First broadcast 22nd June 2007.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Rhys Thomas
Griff Rhys Jones
Konnie Huq
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Rhys Thomas
Griff Rhys Jones
Konnie Huq
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Drake Britton, David Walliams, Fully Restored, Griff Rhys-Jones,
00:29and their team captain, Jason Manford!
00:34And facing them tonight, from Star Stories, Rhys Thomas!
00:39Here's one we made earlier, Connie Huck!
00:43And their team captain, Sean Locke!
00:47Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, Britain consumes over 400 polo mints every second,
01:04but Britain's mum still knows Britain's been smoking?
01:085% of Britain's toddlers are obese, and they're known as waddlers.
01:16Almost half of all men lie to their partners about their looks to keep them happy.
01:20I do. I tell her, I'm dead good-looking, I don't know what's the matter with your eyes.
01:24Right, let's get started.
01:33What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:36We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:41It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:45Jason, your team to go first.
01:49Is it wag weddings? Wag weddings? That happen at weekend?
01:53All footballers got married in, was it 48 hours?
01:56That's right, yeah.
01:57And they didn't get married to each other, it wasn't civil partnerships.
02:00They married ladies.
02:03You sound a little bit disappointed.
02:06What show footballers were they, then, that got married?
02:09OK, there were four. John Terry. That's one.
02:13Michael Carrick. John Terry plays for Chelsea, he's the Chelsea captain.
02:17He also plays for England.
02:18Peter Shelton.
02:19Did they all get married in church?
02:20I don't know if they got married in church, I didn't go, I don't know.
02:23Oh, I see, all right, OK.
02:24Well, you just seem to be an expert on this one.
02:26All right, I'm trying to go through.
02:27Oh, OK, all right.
02:28I thought all of us got married.
02:29I didn't know, I just thought on the way we'd finished...
02:31John Terry, Michael Carrick, is that right?
02:33That's right, yeah.
02:34One of the Neville brothers.
02:35Gary Neville, Gary Neville.
02:36Right.
02:37And another man.
02:39I saw the pictures in the magazine, they all look beautiful.
02:41Some of the wags were orange with envy.
02:45I like it.
02:47It's not green, it's orange.
02:50It was very lavish.
02:52John Terry actually had Lionel Ritchie play at his wedding.
02:55I actually, for my girlfriend's party last year, I hired a Lionel Ritchie look-alike.
02:59You haven't got a girlfriend.
03:02Have you ever got a girlfriend?
03:05How old are you who got a girlfriend?
03:08You're not 12.
03:11We couldn't get Del Boy because he wouldn't come down from Derby on the train.
03:14It's a very glamorous life you lead, isn't it?
03:16What's Del Boy going to do?
03:18I mean, if you get Lionel Ritchie down, of course he's got a look-alike, he sings a bit of a song.
03:22He'll fall through the bar.
03:23He was going to fall through the bar?
03:24Yeah.
03:25What sort of list is this?
03:26That you go, right, Del Boy can't make it.
03:29Lionel Ritchie, can he what?
03:31Second place, second place.
03:33Gary Neville's wedding.
03:34It was proofreading.
03:35It wasn't proofreading, that's the wrong phrase.
03:37I was going through OK magazine, just proofreading it.
03:39Oh, that's right, that's what I was doing.
03:40And I was going...
03:44I was going through one of the magazines, it said, oh, Gary Neville's dad was there, Neville Neville.
03:50I thought it must have been a mistake, but I had a look and he's really called Neville Neville.
03:53Do you think people say to him, do you mind if I call you Neville?
03:57John Terry had pie and mash at his...
04:00That's right, yeah, and one of them had chicken and chips, and the other one had sausage and mash.
04:03They might as well have had it at Heston Services.
04:06Do you wear tops like that on Blue Peter?
04:09Actually, I have worn this on Blue Peter.
04:11I may start tuning in.
04:15John Terry had the best one, because afterwards, in the courtyard, he had the Philharmonic Orchestra doing the theme from Gladiator.
04:20I thought, I want to be there, just...
04:22Can you feel the power of the gladiator?
04:27Water!
04:28Brilliant.
04:29Wooga!
04:32Well, let's have a look and see whether the WAG weddings is one of the most talked about things this week.
04:36Ooh, number four.
04:39Yes, four premiership footballers got married last weekend.
04:42The vicar almost stopped one of the ceremonies when the congregation started chanting,
04:46Who's the bastard in the black?
04:50Sean, Connie, Rhys, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:53I think definitely the big furore over Salman Rushdie being given a knighthood,
04:58which has caused quite a lot of consternation all over the world.
05:02And a lot of people are very upset, particularly in Pakistan, they're very upset about it,
05:06they've been burning effigies of him, the Queen,
05:09basically anything they can make out of a few old socks and jumpers and newspapers.
05:14It's about burning things all the time, why can't they do something else other than burn?
05:17Anyway, so they've...
05:21Where do they get the problem? Is there an effigy shop where they go,
05:23Hello, effigies?
05:25Who would you like? Salman Rushdie.
05:27We're all out of Salman Rushdie.
05:29We've got a Jilly Cooper.
05:30No? Okay.
05:31Isn't it nice to know that Pakistan pays attention to the honours list?
05:34Nobody cares at all over here.
05:36At last, Salman Rushdie's in a place to do something about it,
05:39because let's face it, that's what knights are for.
05:42They should get together, all the knights that hang.
05:44Sir Alan Sugar, Sir Paul McCartney, get on their steeds
05:47and get out there and fight with Sir Salman.
05:50That's what they want to see, isn't it?
05:52I don't think I'd want to see Elton John versus the Taliban.
05:57When you book Rufus Jones, you don't often assume he's going to call for a holy war, but...
06:02What do we think about the other honours?
06:04Ian Botham, who, from the shredded wheat adverts...
06:07Yes.
06:08And the beef adverts.
06:10You can't do both!
06:12Either good food or bad food, Ian!
06:15Ian Botham, he only didn't get his knighthood earlier on because he smoked marijuana,
06:20but it didn't seem to stop Paul McCartney.
06:22He was arrested trying to smuggle hash into Japan one day.
06:25And Lennon got one, but he refused it.
06:28Lennon got one, but he sent it back years later, didn't he?
06:30Yeah, and so did that bloke this week.
06:32A bloke this week from Agent Provocateur?
06:34Yeah, yeah, him.
06:35He makes fancy pants for the ladies.
06:36Yeah, yeah.
06:37And he got given an MBE, and he said, no, I don't want it.
06:39Sounds like he got his knickers in a twist.
06:43You keep talking about marijuana and pants and stuff, and I'm like, I can't...
06:46Oh, I can't talk about that.
06:47Yeah, I can't.
06:48You can't talk about those?
06:49Not really.
06:50You just said it.
06:51Marijuana and pants.
06:52I'll edit this bit out.
06:53You'll just edit it?
06:54This is going to be half an hour of you going, marijuana and pants.
06:57Just one second.
06:58What are the things you like, Connie?
07:08Nobody around this table who has an honour, I don't think.
07:11Jimmy's a dame.
07:12Oh, you're a dame?
07:15It was an accident. I used to work in a factory.
07:17I'd love to see you in a factory.
07:21Oh, the boss's son's in.
07:25Hello, what happens here?
07:27Those drills are very big.
07:30Well, let's have a look and see whether the Queen's birthday honours
07:32is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:36Yes, it is the second most talked about thing.
07:38Yes, this week the Queen announced her birthday honours list.
07:41Beefy Botham has been knighted.
07:43Surely now he'll be known as Sir Loin.
07:47Ian Botham and Alan Lamb famously starred in a series of British meat adverts,
07:51much to the annoyance of Somerset All-Rounder Jeff Chicken.
07:57Right, Jason, your team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:04Do you know what this is?
08:05This is when double acts haven't got their mates.
08:07That's what this is.
08:16Now, the prisoners of fault.
08:18Have you not heard this?
08:19Controversial.
08:20It is a bit controversial, a little bit of news.
08:22So the story is that they're going to release a load of prisoners now
08:25because they're fault.
08:26Early.
08:27Early.
08:28They're releasing them early.
08:29They're releasing 25,000, aren't they?
08:31I assume not all at once.
08:33It's like the start of the marathon.
08:36It all comes steaming out of the prison.
08:38All straight to a bus stop.
08:41Some of them dressed as rhinos, hopefully, just for the comic.
08:44They have said it's only going to be for petty crimes like burglary and drug dealing,
08:49which I think is a good thing because the car boots down there meet is boring at the moment.
08:55Do you know what my biggest fear is going to prison?
08:58Being locked up with four burly, tattooed men.
09:01Your worst fear or most of your video collection.
09:05I'm thinking about it.
09:07OK, let's have a look and see whether Prisons is up there.
09:13Yes, this is the story that prisoners are to be released early because of overcrowding.
09:17To stay in police cells, it costs £1,800 per prisoner per night.
09:21That seems like a lot of money, but it includes dinner, breakfast and tickets to a West End show.
09:25I'm sure it's not the least what the nation will be talking about.
09:28Is it Bernard Manning has died?
09:30Oh, yeah.
09:31Bernard Manning, the famous comedian.
09:33The headline in one of the tabs was racist in peace.
09:36Racist in peace.
09:37It was on the Sun, wasn't it?
09:39Can you believe that's someone's job to write those shit headlines?
09:42Some bloke comes in and goes, racist in peace, see you tomorrow.
09:46All right, that's it, that's his job.
09:49I met Bernard Manning once.
09:51I was doing a gig when I first started out.
09:53I was on stage and I did some joke about poo or wee.
09:55And when I got off stage, Bernard Manning was at the bar and he came over to me and he said,
09:59he said, you could be quite funny, you son.
10:01He's got something wrong with his throat.
10:03Not anymore, he hasn't.
10:04Not anymore.
10:06He says, you could be quite funny, you son.
10:08I said, oh, thanks very much, Mr Manning.
10:10He said, just a little tip for you.
10:12Don't talk about wee and poo on stage.
10:14You know, people find it offensive.
10:17You've been told you're offensive by Bernard Manning.
10:20When I found out he was dead, I went, yay!
10:23Woo! Woo! Like that.
10:26Mainly because I think he'd make a brilliant ghost.
10:31You'd sit down at your dinner, you'd go, little Jewish fella walked into a pub.
10:37My wife is so fat.
10:41He'd be a fantastic ghost.
10:42Why do you think his wife really was fat and he was just stating a fact?
10:46Yeah.
10:48But he probably wouldn't have done it as a joke then, would he?
10:51My wife is so fat she hates herself and sits in her room crying all day long.
10:58Connie, any thoughts on Bernard Manning?
10:59Not a fan, personally.
11:01Has he got a blue Peter badge, Manning?
11:03He's raised a lot of money for charity, I wondered if there was some sort of way...
11:06Well, he has raised a lot of money for charity, but he was a racist, so...
11:10Send him a black one for a laugh.
11:16Let's see if Bernard Manning is up there.
11:17Well, he's definitely not, he'd be in hell.
11:20Let's see if he's one of the most talked about things this week.
11:24Yes, he is the most talked about thing this week.
11:26Bernard Manning died this week, it was a black day for comedy, which he wouldn't have approved of.
11:33He'll be remembered as racist, sexist and homophobic, although we must not forget he was also a big fat fatty.
11:41Right, one more thing to get, fingers on buzzers, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
11:45The Glastonbury Festival, which is happening this weekend.
11:52Isn't that right?
11:53Have you been talking about it? Are you going to go, David?
11:56No, I'm not, because I've already had sex in a tent when I was in the Sea Scouts.
12:03I'm not going, I think I am the only person here who went to the original Glastonbury.
12:07In 1823!
12:10And if you vote for it, we can rebuild it.
12:14When was that?
12:15It was in 1971.
12:16I was born in 1971.
12:17Were you?
12:18Your mother didn't go to a tent in, oh no, never mind.
12:23I went there last year, it was horrible.
12:25They had big beef burger things on, they were cooking about a thousand beef burgers on steel drums.
12:29That's what it was, lots of hamburgers there.
12:31It was full of idiots.
12:32You'd have loved it, I don't know.
12:34It was very muddy.
12:36You'd be like a pig in shit, surrounded by idiots.
12:39It was horrible, I didn't like it.
12:41They'd have lifted you up as one of them.
12:45He's our leader!
12:47Let's see if Glastonbury is up there.
12:54Yes, this weekend is the Glastonbury Festival.
12:56During the festival, Glastonbury is transformed into a city the size of Sunderland,
13:00which, if you want to spend your weekend getting robbed and watching people piss outside, is a slightly cheaper alternative.
13:06Right, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Rhys and Connie have two points,
13:09Jason, David and Griff have three points.
13:16Our next round is pick of the polls.
13:18Our teams choose a picture and then have to answer a question based on a related survey or statistic.
13:22Sean, Rhys and Connie, you're going first.
13:24The bodybuilding lady.
13:25We have her.
13:26That picture represents exercise, and it's a word association question.
13:29I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said when we said exercise.
13:32Gym.
13:34Yeah?
13:35Oh, sorry, I thought you were...
13:39Is it like a noise, like...
13:42I'm just trying to get a picture.
13:43They just walk up to people and they say exercise.
13:45People say, fuck off, or go away?
13:47Generally, they tell them it's a survey.
13:49They don't just walk up and say exercise.
13:51These people think you're instructing them to exercise.
13:53No, because that's funny, because that's what I would say.
13:55If somebody came up to me and said exercise, I would say, fuck off.
13:58I think they should do gym.
13:59Have they got a vending machine?
14:03That's my favourite one.
14:05How much for Jaffa Cakes? This is brilliant.
14:08I come here every day.
14:09I started seeing this personal trainer.
14:11When you say personal trainer, are they people that ask you questions like, how big's your cock?
14:15We had sex last night.
14:18I met him in the changing rooms first, before we did our session.
14:21And he was naked, right, before we even started.
14:23Naked.
14:24Now, there's something about naked men, right...
14:26There's something about naked men.
14:27There's something about naked men I'm not fully comfortable with.
14:31And...
14:33I looked at his cock, Jimmy. I looked at his cock.
14:36Does that make me gay?
14:37Yes, it does.
14:46What is the answer? Come on.
14:51It's to do with your stomach.
14:53Six-pack.
14:54Six-pack is the right answer.
14:55Correct.
14:57Yes, the top phrase people said when we said exercise was six-pack.
15:01OK, Jason?
15:02Yes, it was me!
15:04It was me!
15:06OK, this question is about egomania.
15:10OK, 30% of women would like David Walliams what?
15:14To finger them?
15:22Is that wrong?
15:23That's wrong.
15:25It's a different survey.
15:26OK.
15:27So, 30% of women would like David Walliams what?
15:29Would like David Walliams if he wasn't a poof.
15:34A great big screaming Nancy voice.
15:36You're obsessed with trying to help me.
15:38I don't know about screaming Nancy voice, sometimes he might...
15:40Oh, no.
15:43Have you heard a bit of both, though?
15:44And do you still like coming out, is it?
15:46It seems as if you only come out if you're completely gay and not just a bit gay.
15:49You just have to sort of half open the closet door.
15:54The phrase you're looking for is half rice, half chips.
15:57That's what we call it in the north.
15:59If somebody's a bit of both.
16:00All northerners call it that.
16:02All of us, we all call it that.
16:03Even Alan Bennett.
16:04Alan Bennett was, oh, I tell you, I was once half rice, half chips.
16:09He does that, I don't know why he does that.
16:11That's just what all northerners do.
16:13I know.
16:14But it's the way.
16:17B.
16:1930% of women would like David Walliams what?
16:22I actually know the answer.
16:23It was a survey done before Christmas
16:25and they would like me to come round and have dinner with them.
16:28Do you know who did the survey?
16:30P. E. D. O. R.
16:31The wine people.
16:32So it's P. E. D. O. R. not Saga.
16:36That is the correct answer, yes, indeed.
16:39Yes, the answer is 30% of women would like David Walliams round for dinner.
16:43And that was a survey of the women that have slept with David Walliams.
16:46The largest survey ever conducted.
16:49So at the end of that round it's two points for Sean's team
16:51and five points for Jason's team.
16:56Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
16:58if you can be bothered to save the planet.
17:09Welcome back to Another 10 Taps.
17:10The next round is Believe It or Not.
17:12In this round I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:14All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:17Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:24Cold feet and chill blades can be murder.
17:27So why not try banana socks?
17:29As worn by the Shetland fishermen, I'm reliably informed,
17:32by Kate Smith of Kidderminster.
17:34They're easy to make from scraps of wool
17:36and can even be worn in bed.
17:38Aren't they lovely?
17:39So for added warmth, what about a body warmer?
17:42Or, as Joyce Letchford from Surrey suggests,
17:46an old anorak from a jumble sale with the sleeves cut out.
17:51Just the job.
17:52Remember this jumper from the last series?
17:54Well, we've had it knitted up in lots of lovely colours.
17:57Doesn't it look gorgeous?
17:58All soft and cosy in mohair.
18:01And we're sending that to Joyce Letchford from Surrey
18:04for her body warmer.
18:06Well done, Joyce.
18:11That was Judy Spears giving us some tips on how to keep warm
18:14and recycle at the same time.
18:16Now, here's your related statistic.
18:1825% of Brits say they can't be bothered to recycle,
18:21even if it means the planet will die.
18:23True or false?
18:24They've not specified which planet.
18:26Do you know what I mean?
18:28Like, if it's Jupiter, who gives a shit?
18:30The thing I can't work out what to recycle is, you know, the meat nappy.
18:34When you buy meat and it's got, like, a nappy underneath it.
18:38You know when you buy meat in a supermarket,
18:40it comes in, like, a plastic thing, and then underneath it
18:42is this nappy there to soak up all the blood.
18:44For some reason, calling that a nappy has made it disgusting.
18:48I've never given that a moment's thought before in my life,
18:51but I'm now becoming vegetarian.
18:53It's a nappy.
18:54A nappy for the meat.
18:55I've got clothes out, and I'm thinking, what do I do?
18:57Obviously, I suck it dry.
19:01Does it go in with paper, or do I cook it?
19:03I had that argument with the bin man.
19:05There was a bit of basil sticking out the top of the bin.
19:08He said, that's garden waste.
19:10No, it's not. That's a garmish.
19:14It's nearly going to blow.
19:16What if you wanted to throw away a rake?
19:18A broken rake, or an old wheelbarrow, or maybe some pots.
19:23Where would you throw them?
19:25Garden waste?
19:27If I had them now, I'd throw them at you.
19:30I'm on it.
19:35I think it's true.
19:36True, true, true, true, true.
19:38False.
19:40But we've decided we're going to say true.
19:42Yeah, we can say true as well.
19:43Well, no, because you've got to say false.
19:48We'll say false.
19:49They'll say false, we'll say true.
19:51Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
19:53Yes.
19:5725% of Brits say they can't be bothered to recycle,
20:00even if it means the planet will die.
20:02A carbon footprint is a metaphor
20:04for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your life.
20:07Of course, I don't have one, as I drive everywhere.
20:11So, at the end of that round, it's two points for Sean's team
20:13and six points for Jason's team.
20:18And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:21Here's your first one.
20:22Worst chat-up line.
20:25You don't sweat much for a fat girl?
20:31I'd like to take you out for dinner,
20:32but by the look of it, you've already had dinner.
20:38OK.
20:40Is it 089-899-9111?
20:46Do you get it? Cos there's, like, those chat lines.
20:52Do you know one of the most effective ways to meet women,
20:54particularly single women, if you're on your own,
20:56is to stand outside a bar, have a look and see if there's any women,
20:59throw some confetti over yourself and walk in crying?
21:02That gets a lot of attention from women.
21:05You're in luck, I've decided to go ugly early.
21:10You're in luck I've decided to go ugly early
21:12is perhaps the rudest thing you could ever say to another human being.
21:15I didn't say it.
21:16It's not to you.
21:18It's not to you.
21:19Don't.
21:20It's not to you.
21:23No, don't.
21:24No, I don't like it.
21:25Just come here, come here.
21:26I don't like it, though.
21:28Oh, my God.
21:33That's sexual harassment in the workplace.
21:36Is it, er, get your coat, love, I've got a knife?
21:45You're pretty much there with that.
21:46Get your coat, love, you're pulled.
21:48Correct answer.
21:52Best person to have on your side in a fight?
21:54I'd have Rhys.
21:55I'd have Rhys cos I'd have had to punch him first.
22:00Fern Britton, she bites like she talks.
22:02Dirty.
22:08I once knocked somebody out completely by accident.
22:10I'm quite soft, really.
22:11Basically, this bloke was kicking off with his girlfriend in a bar
22:14and I was having a nosy, like you do, right,
22:16and just having a watch to see what it was about and stuff
22:18and then he caught my eye and was like,
22:20what are you looking at?
22:21I was like, oh, are you two fighting, like?
22:23And, er, I should have said that.
22:26Well done.
22:27It's a rhetorical question.
22:28I realise now.
22:29And he come running at me, like really angry, like to hit me,
22:33and I just went...
22:35And he knocked himself out on me fist.
22:39I'd love you to run into my fist.
22:47I can't believe we've got Connie Huck on the show
22:49and I'm getting the sexual harassment.
22:52Best person to have on your side in a fight?
22:54Used to be a footballer.
22:55Er, Vinnie Jones.
22:56Correct.
22:59Yes, the best person to have on your side during a fight is Vinnie Jones.
23:02Of course, the worst thing about having Vinnie Jones on your side in a fight
23:05is that means you're in a Guy Ritchie movie.
23:10Well, that's how it tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:12which means the final scores are
23:13Sean, Rhys and Connie have three points,
23:15Jason, David and Griff are the winners with seven points.
23:21Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:23and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
23:25Good night.