• 2 months ago
First broadcast 22nd June 2007.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

David Walliams
Rhys Thomas
Griff Rhys Jones
Konnie Huq

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Drake Britton, David Walliams, Fully Restored, Griff Rhys-Jones,
00:29and their team captain, Jason Manford!
00:34And facing them tonight, from Star Stories, Rhys Thomas!
00:39Here's one we made earlier, Connie Huck!
00:43And their team captain, Sean Locke!
00:47Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, Britain consumes over 400 polo mints every second,
01:04but Britain's mum still knows Britain's been smoking?
01:085% of Britain's toddlers are obese, and they're known as waddlers.
01:16Almost half of all men lie to their partners about their looks to keep them happy.
01:20I do. I tell her, I'm dead good-looking, I don't know what's the matter with your eyes.
01:24Right, let's get started.
01:33What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:36We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:41It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:45Jason, your team to go first.
01:49Is it wag weddings? Wag weddings? That happen at weekend?
01:53All footballers got married in, was it 48 hours?
01:56That's right, yeah.
01:57And they didn't get married to each other, it wasn't civil partnerships.
02:00They married ladies.
02:03You sound a little bit disappointed.
02:06What show footballers were they, then, that got married?
02:09OK, there were four. John Terry. That's one.
02:13Michael Carrick. John Terry plays for Chelsea, he's the Chelsea captain.
02:17He also plays for England.
02:18Peter Shelton.
02:19Did they all get married in church?
02:20I don't know if they got married in church, I didn't go, I don't know.
02:23Oh, I see, all right, OK.
02:24Well, you just seem to be an expert on this one.
02:26All right, I'm trying to go through.
02:27Oh, OK, all right.
02:28I thought all of us got married.
02:29I didn't know, I just thought on the way we'd finished...
02:31John Terry, Michael Carrick, is that right?
02:33That's right, yeah.
02:34One of the Neville brothers.
02:35Gary Neville, Gary Neville.
02:36Right.
02:37And another man.
02:39I saw the pictures in the magazine, they all look beautiful.
02:41Some of the wags were orange with envy.
02:45I like it.
02:47It's not green, it's orange.
02:50It was very lavish.
02:52John Terry actually had Lionel Ritchie play at his wedding.
02:55I actually, for my girlfriend's party last year, I hired a Lionel Ritchie look-alike.
02:59You haven't got a girlfriend.
03:02Have you ever got a girlfriend?
03:05How old are you who got a girlfriend?
03:08You're not 12.
03:11We couldn't get Del Boy because he wouldn't come down from Derby on the train.
03:14It's a very glamorous life you lead, isn't it?
03:16What's Del Boy going to do?
03:18I mean, if you get Lionel Ritchie down, of course he's got a look-alike, he sings a bit of a song.
03:22He'll fall through the bar.
03:23He was going to fall through the bar?
03:24Yeah.
03:25What sort of list is this?
03:26That you go, right, Del Boy can't make it.
03:29Lionel Ritchie, can he what?
03:31Second place, second place.
03:33Gary Neville's wedding.
03:34It was proofreading.
03:35It wasn't proofreading, that's the wrong phrase.
03:37I was going through OK magazine, just proofreading it.
03:39Oh, that's right, that's what I was doing.
03:40And I was going...
03:44I was going through one of the magazines, it said, oh, Gary Neville's dad was there, Neville Neville.
03:50I thought it must have been a mistake, but I had a look and he's really called Neville Neville.
03:53Do you think people say to him, do you mind if I call you Neville?
03:57John Terry had pie and mash at his...
04:00That's right, yeah, and one of them had chicken and chips, and the other one had sausage and mash.
04:03They might as well have had it at Heston Services.
04:06Do you wear tops like that on Blue Peter?
04:09Actually, I have worn this on Blue Peter.
04:11I may start tuning in.
04:15John Terry had the best one, because afterwards, in the courtyard, he had the Philharmonic Orchestra doing the theme from Gladiator.
04:20I thought, I want to be there, just...
04:22Can you feel the power of the gladiator?
04:27Water!
04:28Brilliant.
04:29Wooga!
04:32Well, let's have a look and see whether the WAG weddings is one of the most talked about things this week.
04:36Ooh, number four.
04:39Yes, four premiership footballers got married last weekend.
04:42The vicar almost stopped one of the ceremonies when the congregation started chanting,
04:46Who's the bastard in the black?
04:50Sean, Connie, Rhys, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:53I think definitely the big furore over Salman Rushdie being given a knighthood,
04:58which has caused quite a lot of consternation all over the world.
05:02And a lot of people are very upset, particularly in Pakistan, they're very upset about it,
05:06they've been burning effigies of him, the Queen,
05:09basically anything they can make out of a few old socks and jumpers and newspapers.
05:14It's about burning things all the time, why can't they do something else other than burn?
05:17Anyway, so they've...
05:21Where do they get the problem? Is there an effigy shop where they go,
05:23Hello, effigies?
05:25Who would you like? Salman Rushdie.
05:27We're all out of Salman Rushdie.
05:29We've got a Jilly Cooper.
05:30No? Okay.
05:31Isn't it nice to know that Pakistan pays attention to the honours list?
05:34Nobody cares at all over here.
05:36At last, Salman Rushdie's in a place to do something about it,
05:39because let's face it, that's what knights are for.
05:42They should get together, all the knights that hang.
05:44Sir Alan Sugar, Sir Paul McCartney, get on their steeds
05:47and get out there and fight with Sir Salman.
05:50That's what they want to see, isn't it?
05:52I don't think I'd want to see Elton John versus the Taliban.
05:57When you book Rufus Jones, you don't often assume he's going to call for a holy war, but...
06:02What do we think about the other honours?
06:04Ian Botham, who, from the shredded wheat adverts...
06:07Yes.
06:08And the beef adverts.
06:10You can't do both!
06:12Either good food or bad food, Ian!
06:15Ian Botham, he only didn't get his knighthood earlier on because he smoked marijuana,
06:20but it didn't seem to stop Paul McCartney.
06:22He was arrested trying to smuggle hash into Japan one day.
06:25And Lennon got one, but he refused it.
06:28Lennon got one, but he sent it back years later, didn't he?
06:30Yeah, and so did that bloke this week.
06:32A bloke this week from Agent Provocateur?
06:34Yeah, yeah, him.
06:35He makes fancy pants for the ladies.
06:36Yeah, yeah.
06:37And he got given an MBE, and he said, no, I don't want it.
06:39Sounds like he got his knickers in a twist.
06:43You keep talking about marijuana and pants and stuff, and I'm like, I can't...
06:46Oh, I can't talk about that.
06:47Yeah, I can't.
06:48You can't talk about those?
06:49Not really.
06:50You just said it.
06:51Marijuana and pants.
06:52I'll edit this bit out.
06:53You'll just edit it?
06:54This is going to be half an hour of you going, marijuana and pants.
06:57Just one second.
06:58What are the things you like, Connie?
07:08Nobody around this table who has an honour, I don't think.
07:11Jimmy's a dame.
07:12Oh, you're a dame?
07:15It was an accident. I used to work in a factory.
07:17I'd love to see you in a factory.
07:21Oh, the boss's son's in.
07:25Hello, what happens here?
07:27Those drills are very big.
07:30Well, let's have a look and see whether the Queen's birthday honours
07:32is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:36Yes, it is the second most talked about thing.
07:38Yes, this week the Queen announced her birthday honours list.
07:41Beefy Botham has been knighted.
07:43Surely now he'll be known as Sir Loin.
07:47Ian Botham and Alan Lamb famously starred in a series of British meat adverts,
07:51much to the annoyance of Somerset All-Rounder Jeff Chicken.
07:57Right, Jason, your team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:04Do you know what this is?
08:05This is when double acts haven't got their mates.
08:07That's what this is.
08:16Now, the prisoners of fault.
08:18Have you not heard this?
08:19Controversial.
08:20It is a bit controversial, a little bit of news.
08:22So the story is that they're going to release a load of prisoners now
08:25because they're fault.
08:26Early.
08:27Early.
08:28They're releasing them early.
08:29They're releasing 25,000, aren't they?
08:31I assume not all at once.
08:33It's like the start of the marathon.
08:36It all comes steaming out of the prison.
08:38All straight to a bus stop.
08:41Some of them dressed as rhinos, hopefully, just for the comic.
08:44They have said it's only going to be for petty crimes like burglary and drug dealing,
08:49which I think is a good thing because the car boots down there meet is boring at the moment.
08:55Do you know what my biggest fear is going to prison?
08:58Being locked up with four burly, tattooed men.
09:01Your worst fear or most of your video collection.
09:05I'm thinking about it.
09:07OK, let's have a look and see whether Prisons is up there.
09:13Yes, this is the story that prisoners are to be released early because of overcrowding.
09:17To stay in police cells, it costs £1,800 per prisoner per night.
09:21That seems like a lot of money, but it includes dinner, breakfast and tickets to a West End show.
09:25I'm sure it's not the least what the nation will be talking about.
09:28Is it Bernard Manning has died?
09:30Oh, yeah.
09:31Bernard Manning, the famous comedian.
09:33The headline in one of the tabs was racist in peace.
09:36Racist in peace.
09:37It was on the Sun, wasn't it?
09:39Can you believe that's someone's job to write those shit headlines?
09:42Some bloke comes in and goes, racist in peace, see you tomorrow.
09:46All right, that's it, that's his job.
09:49I met Bernard Manning once.
09:51I was doing a gig when I first started out.
09:53I was on stage and I did some joke about poo or wee.
09:55And when I got off stage, Bernard Manning was at the bar and he came over to me and he said,
09:59he said, you could be quite funny, you son.
10:01He's got something wrong with his throat.
10:03Not anymore, he hasn't.
10:04Not anymore.
10:06He says, you could be quite funny, you son.
10:08I said, oh, thanks very much, Mr Manning.
10:10He said, just a little tip for you.
10:12Don't talk about wee and poo on stage.
10:14You know, people find it offensive.
10:17You've been told you're offensive by Bernard Manning.
10:20When I found out he was dead, I went, yay!
10:23Woo! Woo! Like that.
10:26Mainly because I think he'd make a brilliant ghost.
10:31You'd sit down at your dinner, you'd go, little Jewish fella walked into a pub.
10:37My wife is so fat.
10:41He'd be a fantastic ghost.
10:42Why do you think his wife really was fat and he was just stating a fact?
10:46Yeah.
10:48But he probably wouldn't have done it as a joke then, would he?
10:51My wife is so fat she hates herself and sits in her room crying all day long.
10:58Connie, any thoughts on Bernard Manning?
10:59Not a fan, personally.
11:01Has he got a blue Peter badge, Manning?
11:03He's raised a lot of money for charity, I wondered if there was some sort of way...
11:06Well, he has raised a lot of money for charity, but he was a racist, so...
11:10Send him a black one for a laugh.
11:16Let's see if Bernard Manning is up there.
11:17Well, he's definitely not, he'd be in hell.
11:20Let's see if he's one of the most talked about things this week.
11:24Yes, he is the most talked about thing this week.
11:26Bernard Manning died this week, it was a black day for comedy, which he wouldn't have approved of.
11:33He'll be remembered as racist, sexist and homophobic, although we must not forget he was also a big fat fatty.
11:41Right, one more thing to get, fingers on buzzers, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
11:45The Glastonbury Festival, which is happening this weekend.
11:52Isn't that right?
11:53Have you been talking about it? Are you going to go, David?
11:56No, I'm not, because I've already had sex in a tent when I was in the Sea Scouts.
12:03I'm not going, I think I am the only person here who went to the original Glastonbury.
12:07In 1823!
12:10And if you vote for it, we can rebuild it.
12:14When was that?
12:15It was in 1971.
12:16I was born in 1971.
12:17Were you?
12:18Your mother didn't go to a tent in, oh no, never mind.
12:23I went there last year, it was horrible.
12:25They had big beef burger things on, they were cooking about a thousand beef burgers on steel drums.
12:29That's what it was, lots of hamburgers there.
12:31It was full of idiots.
12:32You'd have loved it, I don't know.
12:34It was very muddy.
12:36You'd be like a pig in shit, surrounded by idiots.
12:39It was horrible, I didn't like it.
12:41They'd have lifted you up as one of them.
12:45He's our leader!
12:47Let's see if Glastonbury is up there.
12:54Yes, this weekend is the Glastonbury Festival.
12:56During the festival, Glastonbury is transformed into a city the size of Sunderland,
13:00which, if you want to spend your weekend getting robbed and watching people piss outside, is a slightly cheaper alternative.
13:06Right, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Rhys and Connie have two points,
13:09Jason, David and Griff have three points.
13:16Our next round is pick of the polls.
13:18Our teams choose a picture and then have to answer a question based on a related survey or statistic.
13:22Sean, Rhys and Connie, you're going first.
13:24The bodybuilding lady.
13:25We have her.
13:26That picture represents exercise, and it's a word association question.
13:29I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said when we said exercise.
13:32Gym.
13:34Yeah?
13:35Oh, sorry, I thought you were...
13:39Is it like a noise, like...
13:42I'm just trying to get a picture.
13:43They just walk up to people and they say exercise.
13:45People say, fuck off, or go away?
13:47Generally, they tell them it's a survey.
13:49They don't just walk up and say exercise.
13:51These people think you're instructing them to exercise.
13:53No, because that's funny, because that's what I would say.
13:55If somebody came up to me and said exercise, I would say, fuck off.
13:58I think they should do gym.
13:59Have they got a vending machine?
14:03That's my favourite one.
14:05How much for Jaffa Cakes? This is brilliant.
14:08I come here every day.
14:09I started seeing this personal trainer.
14:11When you say personal trainer, are they people that ask you questions like, how big's your cock?
14:15We had sex last night.
14:18I met him in the changing rooms first, before we did our session.
14:21And he was naked, right, before we even started.
14:23Naked.
14:24Now, there's something about naked men, right...
14:26There's something about naked men.
14:27There's something about naked men I'm not fully comfortable with.
14:31And...
14:33I looked at his cock, Jimmy. I looked at his cock.
14:36Does that make me gay?
14:37Yes, it does.
14:46What is the answer? Come on.
14:51It's to do with your stomach.
14:53Six-pack.
14:54Six-pack is the right answer.
14:55Correct.
14:57Yes, the top phrase people said when we said exercise was six-pack.
15:01OK, Jason?
15:02Yes, it was me!
15:04It was me!
15:06OK, this question is about egomania.
15:10OK, 30% of women would like David Walliams what?
15:14To finger them?
15:22Is that wrong?
15:23That's wrong.
15:25It's a different survey.
15:26OK.
15:27So, 30% of women would like David Walliams what?
15:29Would like David Walliams if he wasn't a poof.
15:34A great big screaming Nancy voice.
15:36You're obsessed with trying to help me.
15:38I don't know about screaming Nancy voice, sometimes he might...
15:40Oh, no.
15:43Have you heard a bit of both, though?
15:44And do you still like coming out, is it?
15:46It seems as if you only come out if you're completely gay and not just a bit gay.
15:49You just have to sort of half open the closet door.
15:54The phrase you're looking for is half rice, half chips.
15:57That's what we call it in the north.
15:59If somebody's a bit of both.
16:00All northerners call it that.
16:02All of us, we all call it that.
16:03Even Alan Bennett.
16:04Alan Bennett was, oh, I tell you, I was once half rice, half chips.
16:09He does that, I don't know why he does that.
16:11That's just what all northerners do.
16:13I know.
16:14But it's the way.
16:17B.
16:1930% of women would like David Walliams what?
16:22I actually know the answer.
16:23It was a survey done before Christmas
16:25and they would like me to come round and have dinner with them.
16:28Do you know who did the survey?
16:30P. E. D. O. R.
16:31The wine people.
16:32So it's P. E. D. O. R. not Saga.
16:36That is the correct answer, yes, indeed.
16:39Yes, the answer is 30% of women would like David Walliams round for dinner.
16:43And that was a survey of the women that have slept with David Walliams.
16:46The largest survey ever conducted.
16:49So at the end of that round it's two points for Sean's team
16:51and five points for Jason's team.
16:56Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
16:58if you can be bothered to save the planet.
17:09Welcome back to Another 10 Taps.
17:10The next round is Believe It or Not.
17:12In this round I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:14All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:17Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:24Cold feet and chill blades can be murder.
17:27So why not try banana socks?
17:29As worn by the Shetland fishermen, I'm reliably informed,
17:32by Kate Smith of Kidderminster.
17:34They're easy to make from scraps of wool
17:36and can even be worn in bed.
17:38Aren't they lovely?
17:39So for added warmth, what about a body warmer?
17:42Or, as Joyce Letchford from Surrey suggests,
17:46an old anorak from a jumble sale with the sleeves cut out.
17:51Just the job.
17:52Remember this jumper from the last series?
17:54Well, we've had it knitted up in lots of lovely colours.
17:57Doesn't it look gorgeous?
17:58All soft and cosy in mohair.
18:01And we're sending that to Joyce Letchford from Surrey
18:04for her body warmer.
18:06Well done, Joyce.
18:11That was Judy Spears giving us some tips on how to keep warm
18:14and recycle at the same time.
18:16Now, here's your related statistic.
18:1825% of Brits say they can't be bothered to recycle,
18:21even if it means the planet will die.
18:23True or false?
18:24They've not specified which planet.
18:26Do you know what I mean?
18:28Like, if it's Jupiter, who gives a shit?
18:30The thing I can't work out what to recycle is, you know, the meat nappy.
18:34When you buy meat and it's got, like, a nappy underneath it.
18:38You know when you buy meat in a supermarket,
18:40it comes in, like, a plastic thing, and then underneath it
18:42is this nappy there to soak up all the blood.
18:44For some reason, calling that a nappy has made it disgusting.
18:48I've never given that a moment's thought before in my life,
18:51but I'm now becoming vegetarian.
18:53It's a nappy.
18:54A nappy for the meat.
18:55I've got clothes out, and I'm thinking, what do I do?
18:57Obviously, I suck it dry.
19:01Does it go in with paper, or do I cook it?
19:03I had that argument with the bin man.
19:05There was a bit of basil sticking out the top of the bin.
19:08He said, that's garden waste.
19:10No, it's not. That's a garmish.
19:14It's nearly going to blow.
19:16What if you wanted to throw away a rake?
19:18A broken rake, or an old wheelbarrow, or maybe some pots.
19:23Where would you throw them?
19:25Garden waste?
19:27If I had them now, I'd throw them at you.
19:30I'm on it.
19:35I think it's true.
19:36True, true, true, true, true.
19:38False.
19:40But we've decided we're going to say true.
19:42Yeah, we can say true as well.
19:43Well, no, because you've got to say false.
19:48We'll say false.
19:49They'll say false, we'll say true.
19:51Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
19:53Yes.
19:5725% of Brits say they can't be bothered to recycle,
20:00even if it means the planet will die.
20:02A carbon footprint is a metaphor
20:04for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your life.
20:07Of course, I don't have one, as I drive everywhere.
20:11So, at the end of that round, it's two points for Sean's team
20:13and six points for Jason's team.
20:18And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:21Here's your first one.
20:22Worst chat-up line.
20:25You don't sweat much for a fat girl?
20:31I'd like to take you out for dinner,
20:32but by the look of it, you've already had dinner.
20:38OK.
20:40Is it 089-899-9111?
20:46Do you get it? Cos there's, like, those chat lines.
20:52Do you know one of the most effective ways to meet women,
20:54particularly single women, if you're on your own,
20:56is to stand outside a bar, have a look and see if there's any women,
20:59throw some confetti over yourself and walk in crying?
21:02That gets a lot of attention from women.
21:05You're in luck, I've decided to go ugly early.
21:10You're in luck I've decided to go ugly early
21:12is perhaps the rudest thing you could ever say to another human being.
21:15I didn't say it.
21:16It's not to you.
21:18It's not to you.
21:19Don't.
21:20It's not to you.
21:23No, don't.
21:24No, I don't like it.
21:25Just come here, come here.
21:26I don't like it, though.
21:28Oh, my God.
21:33That's sexual harassment in the workplace.
21:36Is it, er, get your coat, love, I've got a knife?
21:45You're pretty much there with that.
21:46Get your coat, love, you're pulled.
21:48Correct answer.
21:52Best person to have on your side in a fight?
21:54I'd have Rhys.
21:55I'd have Rhys cos I'd have had to punch him first.
22:00Fern Britton, she bites like she talks.
22:02Dirty.
22:08I once knocked somebody out completely by accident.
22:10I'm quite soft, really.
22:11Basically, this bloke was kicking off with his girlfriend in a bar
22:14and I was having a nosy, like you do, right,
22:16and just having a watch to see what it was about and stuff
22:18and then he caught my eye and was like,
22:20what are you looking at?
22:21I was like, oh, are you two fighting, like?
22:23And, er, I should have said that.
22:26Well done.
22:27It's a rhetorical question.
22:28I realise now.
22:29And he come running at me, like really angry, like to hit me,
22:33and I just went...
22:35And he knocked himself out on me fist.
22:39I'd love you to run into my fist.
22:47I can't believe we've got Connie Huck on the show
22:49and I'm getting the sexual harassment.
22:52Best person to have on your side in a fight?
22:54Used to be a footballer.
22:55Er, Vinnie Jones.
22:56Correct.
22:59Yes, the best person to have on your side during a fight is Vinnie Jones.
23:02Of course, the worst thing about having Vinnie Jones on your side in a fight
23:05is that means you're in a Guy Ritchie movie.
23:10Well, that's how it tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:12which means the final scores are
23:13Sean, Rhys and Connie have three points,
23:15Jason, David and Griff are the winners with seven points.
23:21Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:23and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
23:25Good night.