First broadcast 6th July 2007.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Trisha Goddard
Greg Rusedski
Alun Cochrane
Glenn Wool
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Trisha Goddard
Greg Rusedski
Alun Cochrane
Glenn Wool
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00♪♪
00:10♪♪
00:19Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Packs,
00:22new ball hits Greg Rzeczki,
00:25Rock of the North, Alan Cochran,
00:29their team captain, Sean Locke,
00:32and facing them tonight, daytime dame,
00:35Trisha Goddard,
00:38comedy canoeer, Glenn Walls,
00:41and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:45Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51-♪♪
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Counts,
00:57a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example,
01:01sleeping through the alarm is the number one reason
01:03for being late for work?
01:05It's particularly bad if you're a fireman.
01:09British people are at least one inch taller
01:10than they were 20 years ago.
01:12That's because 20 years ago, we were all children.
01:18And 97% of all dangerous driving offenses
01:20are committed by men,
01:22which means 3% are committed by bloody women drivers.
01:26Let's get started.
01:28-♪♪
01:35What are you talking about?
01:36That's the name of our first round.
01:38We've teamed up with a leading polling organization,
01:40and they've asked the British nation
01:41what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:42It's our panelist's job to guess the British public's
01:44top five most popular talking points.
01:46Jason, Trisha, and Glenn,
01:48what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:50-♪♪ Is it Diana?
01:52The big concert that happened on Sunday, which was rubbish,
01:56but strangely addictive, that you just couldn't turn off.
01:59It was a real car crash telly.
02:01Um, it was, uh...
02:03-♪♪ Ohhhh
02:05Come on. Come on.
02:08They're making their own jokes now.
02:10There's no... That was never meant.
02:11The favorite bit was Mark Owen from Take That
02:13coming on stage and going,
02:14♪♪ Happy birthday, Diana
02:16Going, well, it's not probably one of our happiest,
02:19I'll be honest with you all.
02:20There are those things where Canadians get accused
02:24Britain of being quite bland and boring, and you managed to wrestle the title quite spectacularly
02:31by putting on that pile of shit.
02:34Was it P. Diddy, or whatever he's called now?
02:39Philip.
02:40Philip.
02:41It stands for Philip.
02:42Philip Diddy.
02:43Philip Diddy.
02:44That's what other people call him.
02:45At one point he said, make some noise if you miss Diana, right, and everyone cheered.
02:53I said, that's not the noise they should make.
02:55The noise they should have made was like pining, like a dog, like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
02:59Scratching the back of their chairs, like that.
03:02I missed the entire concert, because I went to the pub with a hundred Diana lookalikes
03:07that haven't worked for ten years.
03:09I just thought they needed cheered up.
03:12I gutted those girls.
03:15Tell me who you look like.
03:17Oh, here we go.
03:18You look like Shaggy in Scooby-Doo.
03:20Yeah.
03:22Couldn't say I look like a fat Michael Owen.
03:24So, at least yours is a bit of a, yours is a cartoon.
03:27I know, yeah, laugh it up.
03:28I live with this face.
03:30I like the way Harry gave a shout out to his troop in Iraq.
03:35Sorry I couldn't be there, boys.
03:38I wanted to, but been booking ballerinas.
03:43I saw the concert, and I would have rather gone to Iraq.
03:48They should have got Cilla Black and just flew in a big copter at the end and gone,
03:51Harry, you wanted to be there.
03:53You can be.
03:55Bye.
03:57Did you go, Greg?
03:58No, I missed it, but I managed to see Macker and Becker look like two leather-clad men
04:02introducing the acts.
04:04I must have missed that bit while I was being sick in the garden.
04:08He had a leather cap on, didn't he?
04:09Yeah, a leather cap.
04:10I saw a leather cap.
04:11And a Batman belt.
04:12Because he's in Fathers for Justice, but he's not that committed.
04:14Exactly.
04:15I'd like to see the kid again, but, you know, I did just fuck a waitress in a...
04:20It wasn't his, come on.
04:21He denied it in the beginning.
04:22He denied it in the beginning.
04:23When it popped out, there was no denying it.
04:26He didn't even have a DNA test.
04:27He just saw it with ginger ale and went, all right, fair enough.
04:31Was you invited, Tricia?
04:32No.
04:33Jeremy Kyle was there.
04:35That's what I'm saying.
04:36I think he might have got your invite.
04:40I saw Jeremy Kyle in a pub.
04:42Yeah, you always watch, don't you?
04:43I think he's brilliant.
04:44My family are on it.
04:48No, I saw him.
04:49He was in a pub in Manchester, and he was just sat by himself.
04:51But his phone went, and he just went, he picked it up and he went, hello?
04:54What?
04:55Fuck off.
04:56Fuck off.
04:57Fuck off.
04:58Leave that fucking orange juice.
04:59Fuck off.
05:00Like, he was the most rudest person I've ever met in my life.
05:03So I punched him in the face.
05:11Let's have a look and see whether the Diana concert is up there.
05:15Yes, it is.
05:16Third most talked about thing this week.
05:18Apparently, Duran Duran performed at Diana's memorial concert as it's what she would have wanted.
05:22I'm not sure she would have wanted a memorial concert at all.
05:30Sean, Greg, Alan, what else has the nation been talking about?
05:33Wimbledon in the rain.
05:34People are saying it's been the worst Wimbledon ever.
05:36It's been the worst in 25 years.
05:37It's just been on, off, on, off.
05:38So I have to agree.
05:39Are you just saying that because you're not there?
05:41Probably.
05:42A little bit of ego going on there.
05:44The thing I like about tennis is the pun headlines on Wimbledon you get.
05:47So like, if Tim Henman's won a couple of matches, it's Timbledon.
05:51And if it's lots of rain, it's Swimbledon.
05:55If there's lots of arguments, it's Grumbledon.
05:58They're just constantly coming up with any pun that they can work in with Wimbledon.
06:02Like, if it's hot, Wimblehot.
06:07Are you sure you don't work for one of those newspapers?
06:11They're dying for like a nun to walk past.
06:13They go, Wimbledon nun.
06:17I'm a fan of Rafael Nadal because he's got massive arms.
06:20Almost the same as yours, huh?
06:22A bit like mine.
06:23Yeah, check out Alan's guns.
06:24Wow.
06:29But he's huge and it seems weird because you'd think that he'd only have one huge arm
06:35because he's only hitting it with one hand.
06:38Have you got one big arm?
06:39Still got one big arm.
06:40Which one is it?
06:42Don't look down like that.
06:44He's got long arms.
06:51Do you have to do certain things?
06:53Do you have to go, right, I mustn't use that arm for this bit because it's too strong?
06:58Like if you were going to stroke a cat or something.
07:02With your big arm and you go, oh, I've crashed it.
07:08I should have used my weaker stroking arm.
07:15A bit like chicken.
07:16Are you going to say fish for a second?
07:17Don't touch him with that arm.
07:20There was a photo in the paper of some ducklings on one of the courts the other day.
07:24Wimbleduck.
07:28I don't think if you're a little yellow duckling, a little bit risky, that.
07:34Maybe if you're thinking about the game, you could easily just bend down and pick one of them up and twat it.
07:43Okay, let's have a look and see if Wimbledon's up there.
07:46Yes, of course it is.
07:49Yes, Wimbledon's been in the news.
07:51At Wimbledon, Henman has Henman Hill named after him.
07:54Murray has Murray Mound and Greg's got a Baker's opposite the station.
08:00Jason, Tricia, Glenn, what else have the country been talking about this week?
08:03Terrorists driving into Glasgow Airport.
08:06Yeah, the most violent incident in Glasgow that day.
08:09Yeah.
08:12I'm joking, not even close.
08:15What about the luggage handler, the hero?
08:17The luggage handler, he was amazing.
08:18Do you want to see a clip of this fella?
08:19Yeah.
08:20John Smeaton, he's a Glasgow hero.
08:21Have a look at him.
08:22I ran straight down.
08:24Other member of the Republic at the same time have done the exact same thing as me.
08:28We've all ran towards the guy.
08:30We've all tried to get a kick in at him.
08:33Just subdue the guy, get him down.
08:40He kicked him twice, thrown him as hard as he could against a wall, yeah, and then punched him about five times before he realised it wasn't a suitcase.
08:51He's like the Scottish Jack Bauer, that fella, isn't he?
08:54I think they should do the next series of 24 in Scotland.
08:58That would be brilliant.
08:59Beep, beep, beep.
09:01The following takes place between eight and nine.
09:05It took them six months to organise, you think.
09:08And at the end of that, your best plan was to set fire to your car and drive it through the front doors of an airport.
09:14I think the problem is our terrorists are now being trained by Brainiac on Sky One.
09:19They're just watching that and picking up what they can.
09:22There's been, like, three terrorist attempts in a row, and none of them have worked.
09:28And if I was, like, a terrorist that believed in a god that controlled everything, I'd have to start to think, maybe Allah likes Britain.
09:42Let's have a look round here for Tara.
09:43Tara, up there.
09:48Yes, Britain is on terror alert after attacks in London and Glasgow.
09:52There were two doctors on the scene almost immediately.
09:54Unfortunately, one of them was on fire, and the other one was trying to blow himself up.
10:02Sean, what else will the nation be talking about this week?
10:05Obviously, the outrageous abuse of our civil liberties, where we can't smoke in pubs anymore.
10:11It's outrageous. I object to it very, very strongly, mostly because I'm a smoker.
10:17I'm actually very, very hurt and upset by it.
10:19Has giving up smoking affected you in any way, Sean?
10:22No, because I haven't.
10:28You don't smoke, do you, Greg?
10:29No, I don't.
10:31Henman does, though, doesn't he?
10:32There's a rumour going around.
10:34I've heard that Henman smokes, but I think, actually, he doesn't.
10:37He's just doing it in a really desperate bid to be slightly interesting.
10:43I reckon he hates it. He's like...
10:46It's horrible.
10:47Whether he smokes or not, there's no way he smokes like that.
10:51I don't object to the idea of the ban.
10:53What I object to is the fines.
10:55They can ban it, but don't fine us as well.
10:58That's outrageous.
10:59Why?
11:00Just trust me.
11:02I might have the odd one.
11:05They're going to fine me as well.
11:07What I object to is also certain groups have dispensations, don't they?
11:11Care homes.
11:12And also magicians, don't they?
11:14Because they go...
11:19I don't smoke, but I don't drink either, so I don't spend a lot of time in pubs.
11:22What do you do?
11:23I visit whores.
11:31I don't go in pubs, but now all the smokers have come out on the streets,
11:35and now the streets are really smoky, you can't walk anywhere.
11:37I've got to walk into a pub to get a bit of fresh air.
11:39You don't have to wind me up.
11:40But the other thing is you'd find all your whores on the streets.
11:43Actually, that was a joke. I've never visited one.
11:45I like the way you say visited.
11:46Like, I brought some biscuits.
11:49I bought you the Radio Times, you know, you like that.
11:51Very safely.
11:52Stay half an hour, OK?
11:54Well, let's have a look and see whether smoking is in the top five most talked about things this week.
11:59Number one in most talked about thing this week, yeah.
12:02Britain's smoking ban came into force last weekend.
12:05There's a new patch for smokers.
12:06It's a bit of pavement outside the pub.
12:10OK, fingers on buzzers. One more thing to get.
12:11What else have the nations been talking about?
12:13The BBC correspondent, Alan Johnson, who has had a shave.
12:20He's been released. He was kidnapped and he's been let out.
12:23They let him go.
12:24He said that he was in a dark hole, that the food made him ill, and that they were rude.
12:30It just sounds like he was in Butlins for two weeks.
12:34I read the report and it said that they gave him Palestinian food for the first week,
12:37and then after that they gave him cheese and eggs.
12:39You have to respect him, though, because, you know, he's in a foreign country, he complained about the food.
12:44Most British people wouldn't even complain in a restaurant,
12:46let alone when someone's got a Kalashnikov.
12:50It's got a lot of front, doesn't it?
12:51When you're chained to a radiator to go this, it's...
12:54Bit too much basil.
12:57Let's have a look and see if Alan Johnson is up there.
13:00Yes, this is the story that BBC correspondent Alan Johnson has been freed.
13:04Alan Johnson was a little bit disappointed on being released, that he wasn't met by Davina McCall.
13:11At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have three points, Jason's team have two points.
13:18Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:20Our teams choose a picture and then they have to answer a question based on a related statistic or survey.
13:24Sean, Greg and Alan, you're up.
13:27Sean, Greg and Alan, what picture do you want to go for?
13:30I'm going for Big Daddy.
13:32You're going for Big Daddy.
13:33OK, this picture represents dads and it's a word association question,
13:36so I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said when we said dads.
13:39Oh, it's pain, isn't it? Unnecessary pain.
13:41Oh, Sean.
13:42Are you a dad, Sean?
13:44Yes, I am, yeah.
13:45You don't sound very happy about it.
13:47Yeah.
13:48Well, um...
13:49Are you on the birth certificate?
13:51Yeah, of course I am.
13:53You know the people Trisha normally meets, don't you?
13:57You've asked that question before, haven't you?
13:59Are you a dad, Alan?
14:00No, I'm going to be, though.
14:02Just as soon as you meet the right woman.
14:05They don't call me Shaggy for nothing.
14:14So this is baby number one?
14:16Yeah.
14:17You're going to get a better name than that, though, sure.
14:19Yeah, yeah.
14:20No, I'm just thinking, cos from now on it's no sex,
14:22no time together, no attention.
14:25Are you offering him a little bit on the side?
14:27From now on you won't be getting any at home.
14:31She won't even know you're gone.
14:34Jeez!
14:36It's a nice offer, but I think I'm out of your league.
14:46Top word or phrase associated with dads.
14:48Hard-working.
14:49Hard-working? You're having a laugh.
14:51Lazy.
14:52Lazy is exactly right, yeah.
14:56Yes, the word most associated with dads is lazy.
14:58A spokesman for lazy dads said,
15:00Oh, in a minute!
15:03Jason, your team, what do you want to go for?
15:05We're going to go with the dart player.
15:07We're going to go for Andy Fordham, the dart player.
15:09This is a nation's favourite question.
15:10What does the British public prefer, darts or Shakespeare?
15:14Do you think he's holding that during a game?
15:16It's dangerous. Makes darts a lot more exciting.
15:19Imagine if it hit one of his arms, he'd just burst.
15:24And sometimes when Andy Fordham lifts his arm like that,
15:27it's so big and greasy it does look like a kebab shop window.
15:33Come on, these are great athletes you're talking about here.
15:35Yeah.
15:36Great athlete?
15:37Well, that's a British tennis player saying that, so...
15:40I think Shakespeare is shit, so...
15:44I don't mind a couple of the, you know,
15:46the Romeo and Juliet type things not bad,
15:48but he's rubbish at comedy, isn't he? He's not funny.
15:50Well, he was back then.
15:51Was he, yeah? They all went,
15:52Yeah, all right, Willie, very funny, that.
15:55But do you think in 200 years people will find you funny?
15:58I don't think that many people find us funny now.
16:02When I was at university, we spent six weeks...
16:05Did you go to university?
16:06I did go to university, yeah.
16:07What did you study?
16:08I studied...
16:09Northern Studies.
16:10Northern Studies, yeah.
16:11Media and performance, I did.
16:12Wheel tapping.
16:13Salford...
16:16Which university was it?
16:17It was Salford University.
16:18Did it used to be a polytechnic, or a garage?
16:20It's...
16:23I did a bit of drama there, and we studied Shakespeare,
16:26and it was hard in that sort of area of Manchester,
16:28it's quite rough, you know, and there was a lot of, like,
16:30is this a dagger I see before me?
16:32Yeah, give me your trainers.
16:33You know, it was hard to get through.
16:35I can't imagine you acting, though.
16:37You can't imagine me what?
16:38I can't imagine you acting.
16:40Oh, God, I can't...
16:43APPLAUSE
16:48What do the nation prefer, Shakespeare or dance?
16:50I think people prefer Shakespeare.
16:52OK.
16:53I think dance.
16:54I can tell you, dance won.
16:5551% of the population prefers dance.
17:00Is that a dagger I see before me?
17:02No, it's a dart.
17:04So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean,
17:06Alan and Greg, and four points for Jason, Tricia and Glenn.
17:09APPLAUSE
17:13After the break, when we'll be finding out
17:15what your greatest regret is.
17:26Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Caps.
17:28The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:30In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:32All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:34Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:36Because car boot sellers are deemed to be private individuals
17:39and not traders, there's no protection for the buyer.
17:42We secretly filmed our purchases at the next car boot...
17:4515 quid.
17:46..and took along electrical expert Tony Cuthbert.
17:49Tony, would you say this was lethal?
17:51Yes.
17:52We've had it looked at by an expert as potentially lethal.
17:55It's very badly worn.
17:57That's right.
17:58That's potentially lethal.
17:59Turn that off because I'll smash it in bits.
18:01Why would you smash it in bits?
18:03Second!
18:04Oi!
18:05This is lethal.
18:06This is lethal.
18:07There's no anchor for the wire, it can be pulled out.
18:09I know!
18:10Why do you think it's called second hand?
18:12You have a responsibility to the public, don't you?
18:15No, I don't have a responsibility to anybody.
18:17You don't have a responsibility to anybody.
18:19Only to myself.
18:20So it's up to the person to check out whether this is dangerous or not.
18:23Well, I would have thought so.
18:24That's not what happens in the shops, you know.
18:26I don't know.
18:27I'm not a shop.
18:28This is second hand rubbish.
18:34He's just selling stuff at a car boot sale.
18:36Leave him alone.
18:37Completely with him the whole way through it.
18:39Totally with him, yeah.
18:40The other thing is, the bloke goes,
18:41It's potentially lethal, this drill.
18:43So are all drills.
18:46There is a question.
18:4734% of Brits would prefer a trip to a car boot sale than a theme park.
18:51Do you think that's true or false?
18:52True.
18:54False.
18:55There we go. Let's crack on.
18:58The reason people like car boots is because they can haggle the price and stuff.
19:01You can't do that in a theme park.
19:02It's £5 to get on the ride.
19:04I'll give you £3.
19:05Alright, you're not allowed to use the belt.
19:08Whenever I see a ferris wheel, I do think the Millennium Wheel is clearly the best one.
19:12It's so slow, though.
19:13Well, if you scream louder, it goes faster.
19:16Did you not realise that was the system?
19:18No.
19:19Pull on the pikey, they go mental with it.
19:22Patricia, the wheel, it's supposed to be a delightful journey with a view across London.
19:27It's usually foggy or raining, so you can't see anything.
19:29Oh, no, go when it's sunny.
19:34Are you writing any of this down, Patricia?
19:38Have you ever been to Alton Towers?
19:39They've done well, they've started to run out of names of big roller coasters.
19:44So the previous few have been like Nemesis, Oblivion, and then one at the moment is called Rita.
19:53I don't like those teacups.
19:54I actually got beaten up in one once.
19:57You got beaten up in a teacup?
19:59I was doing this teacup ride, and someone punched me in the mouth.
20:04You suffered the gayest ever assault?
20:07I was in the teacup, officer, and this brute hit me.
20:12I was just spinning gently, I was having a wonderful time.
20:15You got punched.
20:16It's a mistaken identity.
20:17Why?
20:18They thought I was someone else.
20:26Okay, so true or false, 34% of Brits would prefer a trip to a car boot sale than a theme park.
20:30True or false, Sean?
20:31True.
20:32True.
20:33Both going for true.
20:34I can tell you the answer is true.
20:3634% of Brits would prefer a car boot sale to a theme park.
20:43So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points to Sean's team and five points to Jason's team.
20:48And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:51Okay, first one, most dangerous sport.
20:54Is it any sport that's played in the vicinity of Alby City?
21:00Greg, is tennis dangerous?
21:01No.
21:02Well, you hit it really hard, don't you?
21:04Yeah, but you've got to remember, the ball's soft, so it's not going to hurt you too badly.
21:06Not that soft, it's not like a sponge ball and plastic rackets like at school.
21:10What about doubles, though?
21:11Have you ever hit somebody on the back of the head when playing doubles?
21:14Yeah, I did that once.
21:16Who was it?
21:17It was Henman, wasn't it? It was Henman.
21:19You hate Henman.
21:21Go on.
21:22Is it five-a-side archery?
21:26The ones that do my head in are the old people, you know, when you see them on local news, and it's like,
21:30oh, now we're going to cut to Ernest, he's 89 today, and he's about to do his first skydive.
21:36Fuck off, Ernest.
21:38You're 89, sit in a chair and wait to die.
21:42That's what you're for.
21:46It's kind of a posh sport.
21:48Polo.
21:49Rugby?
21:50Rugby is exactly right.
21:54Yes, I can tell you the most dangerous sport is rugby.
21:57Rugby was invented at public school when some boys were playing football and thought, this isn't gay enough.
22:03Brit's biggest regret?
22:05Shaving all her hair off.
22:14Was it not letting Harry go to Iraq?
22:17Winning the football thing.
22:19World Cup.
22:21World Cup, we did win it. We haven't stopped going on about it.
22:23Remember when you were about 15, we won it.
22:27Oh, my God.
22:29Was it the repeal of the Corn Laws?
22:321832.
22:33That was stupid, that was crazy.
22:35Because they were good, those Corn Laws.
22:361847, nice call.
22:40Was it 1847? Surely it was 32.
22:42That was the reform act.
22:48What do you think it's going to be like to sleep with a girl?
22:57Brit's biggest regret?
22:59Trisha.
23:08I'll give you a clue, it involves your partner.
23:10When he murdered them and buried them.
23:13Not getting enough sex.
23:14That's the right answer.
23:19Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are...
23:23Sean, Alan and Greg have four points, Jason, Trisha and Glenn have seven points.
23:27They're the winners tonight.
23:33Well, thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
23:36That's it from us. Good night.
23:42If you want to get more from 8 Out Of 10 Cats, download the podcast now at channel4radio.com.
23:48Next, Laura gives her views on her ex-housemates.
23:51She's coming out.