• 3 months ago
First broadcast 27th October 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Scott Capurro
Jason Manford
Piers Morgan
Kirsty Gallacher

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 out of 10 cats, great Scott, it's Scott Gaboro.
00:25Another great Scott, Thirsty Gallaher.
00:29And their captain, John Locke.
00:32And facing them tonight, media mastermind, here's Morgan.
00:37Our friend in the north, Jason Manford.
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:44Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example, a giraffe can clean its own ears with its 21-inch long tongue?
01:02Although Mrs Giraffe has got other plans for this evening.
01:063% of Brits never leave a tip, and they're known as the weirdos that live at the tip.
01:19That was less like a laugh, that was more like a rumour going round the room.
01:24Have you heard about the people at the tip?
01:28And you've got a 1 in 20,000 chance of being murdered in the UK.
01:32We don't know what the figure is for Iraq, we sent a guy over there to do the survey and he hasn't come back.
01:37Let's get started.
01:45What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:48We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:53It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:57Dave, Piers, Jason, what have the nation been talking about this week?
02:00Is it more revelations in the McCartney divorce proceedings?
02:04I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want to be the fellow they introduced then.
02:10Alright, alright.
02:13I introduced Heather Mills to Paul McCartney.
02:15Why?
02:17That's exactly what he's asking.
02:19Don't you think she's awful, Heather Mills? I actually quite stick up for her, but it's awful, isn't it?
02:23He's Paul McCartney, he wrote yesterday. She's Heather Mills.
02:27And today, and he'll probably write tomorrow.
02:30He's a relentless worker.
02:35I think the obvious thing though is that mostly when you meet a very beautiful woman, you've seen there's a catch.
02:40There must be a catch, it can't be this good.
02:43And he thought the catch was the leg.
02:45Oh, it wasn't.
02:47She's incredibly unpopular for someone with one leg.
02:50It's like Blunkett, isn't it? He's blind, you think people like him.
02:53Everyone thinks he's a prick.
02:55I mean, you don't like her, do you?
02:57I used to stand up for her, but people used to say, why? And now you think, why?
03:00Because she couldn't stand up herself.
03:03When you think about it, she hasn't really done anything.
03:06We're all greedy.
03:08She had to haunt that old man, he smells like dust.
03:13This would never have happened to the Stones.
03:16None of the Stones would have ever married a one-legged nutter.
03:23The one thing he said was, she threw a bottle of ketchup at him.
03:26And he's still not got it out of his hair, has he?
03:30But the thing is that I like the way even celebrities can't have an argument without doing some product placement.
03:35You know, it's like, oh, he threw some Heinz ketchup at me.
03:39And then he put some Marmite bottles in a sock and hit me over the head
03:42and tried to choke me with Jaffa Cakes and spray jiff in me eyes.
03:48I mean, I don't know who gets the leg, because...
03:51No, more importantly, who gets a disabled parking voucher?
03:55That's worth ten million.
03:57We're all polling here, who's with Hannah?
04:03Right, OK, well, let's have a look and see whether Paul McCartney is up there.
04:10Yes, the McCartney divorce is getting increasingly bitter.
04:13Heather Mills has denied she's a fantasist in a statement released by her lawyer, Rumpole of the Bailey.
04:20Right, Sean, Kirsty and Scott, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:23I think they've been talking about John Reid's come out tough again.
04:26He's tough on, you know, he's tough on immigration.
04:28He's going to restrict the amount of Romanians and Bulgarians that can come here to work.
04:33Basically, loads of Polish people came over here two or three years ago
04:37and are doing all the jobs like cleaning and building.
04:40They're giving British labourers a bad name, aren't they?
04:42Because they're efficient, on time, cheap, polite.
04:47It's a disgrace. They should all be sent home. It's disgusting.
04:51They can have a £1,000 fine, aren't they, for any Bulgarians caught working.
04:54All they have to do is put on a posh accent, don't they?
04:56They learn to speak very posh English.
04:58You say, are you Bulgarian? Of course I'm not, don't be so ridiculous, man.
05:02How do you think I got this job?
05:05I don't know about you, I only employ Eastern Europeans, if I can possibly do so,
05:10because they just do the job and work hard.
05:12Do you run a brothel? Yeah.
05:21Shall we have a look and see if this is one of the most talked about things of the week?
05:31Right, Dave's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:33I think it's probably the news that the Allied forces are considering a timetable
05:36for withdrawal of troops from Iraq.
05:38Because we've sorted it, haven't we? It's all right, no?
05:42We went in as liberators, they assured us.
05:44Liberate the Iraqi people, kill hundreds of thousands of them,
05:47cause complete mayhem in their country.
05:50It's almost as if this war has done you some sort of personal ill.
05:54It's got to be quick, I got fired over it, all right? I'm pretty bitter about it.
05:58I think we should leave because the whole story has gotten so depressing.
06:04We're going to just get in there and whoosh, and raise the roof,
06:08and bring in some hip-hop, and leave.
06:11That's so messy, you know.
06:13All the language they use, that we're leaving Iraq, like it's some sort of relationship.
06:17It's not you, it's me.
06:20I love you, but I'm just not in love with you.
06:23I just think it'd be a great way of leaving your girlfriend.
06:26I mean, obviously, you'd have to hide that 12 to 18 month timetable.
06:30You'd have to be like, oh, it's routine.
06:32But I think that'd be great.
06:33Obviously, she'd see it and go, oh, what's this?
06:35In May, you're going to start acting like a dickhead, so I leave you.
06:37All right.
06:39The question, of course, is just when you invade her sister.
06:42I mean, Iran.
06:46I think we saw it in George W. Bush's eyes when he spoke over the last couple of days.
06:50I don't think he knows what's going on.
06:52I don't think he's got the attention span for a war this long.
06:54No, I think you're right.
06:56Right, let's have a look and see if Iraq is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:02Yes, it is.
07:03Yes, this is the story that British and American forces are under increasing pressure to leave Iraq.
07:08Blair denied he was clutching at straws as he launched Operation Straw Clutch.
07:14Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week in the news?
07:16Is it the news the NHS are going to refuse to treat smokers unless they give up smoking?
07:21Which is obviously the thin end of the wedge situation.
07:24You know, if you've got gunshot wounds, they'll ask you to leave the mafia.
07:29Or, like, if you're a Top Gear presenter and you can't control a jet car.
07:34They'll say, no more petrol for you.
07:37You idiot.
07:40Poor Blair.
07:41Am I the only one who wishes it was Jeremy Clarkson?
07:48Just because he hit you once, don't cry.
07:51He hit me three times and it didn't hurt, all right?
07:53Did he hit you three times?
07:54Yeah, that's the scar there.
07:56You've got a scar?
07:57Yeah.
07:58And we kept running stories on the Mirror about him cavorting with women who weren't Mrs Clarkson.
08:03And eventually he cornered me at the British Press Awards and smacked me three times in the head.
08:08And after the third one I went, is that...?
08:11Is that got a smattering of applause?
08:14Well done, Jeremy.
08:16Well, ironically, because I didn't hit him back because I thought I'd be sacked.
08:19And then three weeks later I sacked anyway.
08:24I like this idea that they're going to refuse smokers operations.
08:28And a few weeks back it was fat people.
08:30Anybody who was obese or fat.
08:32Don't take it personally, mate.
08:33All right, no, that's all right.
08:35There's a reason you get punched.
08:39Sotting that down, my friend.
08:40So, Piers, do you think the NHS should treat people that smoke?
08:43No. People that smoke should just be shot.
08:47Why not?
08:49Hang on. That's a vote for a police state.
08:54It would make smoking a lot more exciting.
08:56Exactly.
09:02I tell you, sales of mints would go through the fucking roof.
09:06I can tell you, the NHS not treating smokers is not one of the top five stories this week.
09:09But it was in the papers.
09:10Fingers on buzzers. What else should we be talking about this week?
09:14Is it Wayne Rooney and his new £100,000 mega deal with Manchester United?
09:19Don't you love the way that every time Wayne Rooney gets a new deal,
09:21we see a picture within 24 hours of Colleen grinning her head off with 27 bags of shopping.
09:27I've got to say, she's earned it.
09:35The problem with these deals is that they're not launches all these people going,
09:39oh, they get paid too much.
09:40And then the footballers counter up by saying,
09:41yeah, but the fans, they're always shouting nasty things at me.
09:44And you're like, for £100,000 a week,
09:46I'd stay in the middle of the pitch at Wembley for two weeks
09:49and let you shout nasty things at me.
09:51But you're a knobhead!
09:52Yeah, I know. One, two, three.
09:54Hello, can I get an account balance, please?
09:56Your mum's a knobhead, yeah, but you should see her house.
10:03She bought him a £30,000 watch for his birthday,
10:07and a Louis Vuitton man bag,
10:10and a gold set from Argos.
10:14You can take the girl out of Liverpool,
10:15but you can't get the catalogue off her, can you?
10:18She also got him a picture of Robbie Williams' arse.
10:22He's doing a moonie.
10:24And there's a danger that he'll mistake it for a mirror, isn't there?
10:29She thought it was a portrait,
10:30because the eye kept following him round the room.
10:33She got all these brilliant people, Mike Tyson to sign things,
10:36U2, and Blue.
10:39They're not together, are they?
10:41Are Blue not together?
10:43Sorry, Jimmy!
10:44What a way to hear it!
10:46Let's have a look and see if Wayne Rooney's up there.
10:50Yes!
10:51Wayne Rooney turned 21 this week.
10:53He received an Aston Martin Priceless Sporting Memorabilia
10:56and a £30,000 watch.
10:58I'll tell you what, though,
10:59he would have been happier with a tyre and a rope.
11:03We've got one more thing to guess.
11:04Fingers on buzzers.
11:05Sean.
11:06Is it the Richmond Council's decision to charge four-by-fours
11:10lots of money to park?
11:12Tell me more about this. What do you think of it?
11:13I've got one.
11:15But I don't live in London.
11:17And I like it.
11:19You like it?
11:20Yes!
11:21They're the most privileged people in society, usually,
11:23people who have four-by-fours,
11:24and suddenly they're a victim.
11:27It's like,
11:28Why are they picking on me?
11:30Just because I've got a four-by-four!
11:32I think it should be more.
11:33It should be £1,000.
11:35Fuck them.
11:41That seems fair enough.
11:43You get let off the fine and all that,
11:45but they encourage you in these electric cars.
11:47Tell me again, how do you make electricity?
11:49It's not exactly a clean fuel.
11:51It's a way to make electricity.
11:52Those big power stations,
11:53there's thousands of blokes
11:55with full heads of hair and balloons.
12:01There's thousands of them.
12:02Dwarves.
12:03It's funny with dwarves.
12:04Thousands of dwarves.
12:07I think they should call it,
12:08you know, they've got names for these taxis
12:10that they put,
12:11and they should just call it
12:12the wanker tax.
12:14That's a bit harsh.
12:15I know.
12:16They should put that more easy.
12:19That's two-nil, dickhead.
12:22I, er...
12:23I'm defending the pregnant lady.
12:25I started it.
12:26I like the fat guy, go on.
12:28Oh, thanks, mate.
12:31This is like a pub car park.
12:34Leave it, it's not worth it.
12:35Dude!
12:37Let's have a look and see if the new four-by-four tax
12:39is one of the most talked-about things.
12:42Yes, it is.
12:43OK, well, I can tell you,
12:44at the end of that round,
12:45Sean's team have two points,
12:46Dave's team have three points.
12:48The next round is called
12:49the poll with a hole.
12:50Here's your first question.
12:5117% of church leaders think
12:53if Jesus came back to Earth now,
12:55he would what?
12:56Be very old?
12:58He definitely points out
12:59that the Da Vinci Code
13:00is a load of bollocks.
13:03I didn't marry Mary Magdalene.
13:05Moved to France.
13:06I hate France.
13:08I think he'd be a bit too soapboxy.
13:10A little know-it-all-y.
13:11Anything?
13:12No.
13:13Clear what you're on about, Scott.
13:14Do you think if he came back,
13:15he would be sectioned on the first day?
13:18Hello, I'm Jesus Christ.
13:19Right, come with us.
13:21Have a nice cup of tea and a sit-down.
13:23Who's to say I haven't come back?
13:29Yes, I am.
13:30That is an exclusive.
13:31Of course, claiming to be Jesus
13:32is quite insulting to the Christians,
13:33but it doesn't really matter,
13:34they don't take it that seriously.
13:35They're probably out there now thinking,
13:36if I get hold of that Sean Lock,
13:37I'm going to bloody well forgive him.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Yeah.
13:40I'll give you a clue on this one.
13:41It's about his choice of vehicle.
13:43He'd have his own jet.
13:44He'd have hoverboots.
13:47Classic hippie-ish.
13:48Is it a VW van?
13:49VW, yeah.
13:50Exactly the right answer.
13:51Oh!
13:55Yeah, this is 17% of church leaders
13:57think if Jesus came back to Earth now,
13:59he would drive a camper van.
14:00I suppose it's better that Jesus Christ
14:02has a camper van rather than a Yamaha.
14:04I don't know.
14:05I don't know.
14:06I don't know.
14:07I don't know.
14:08I don't know.
14:09I don't know.
14:10Jesus Christ has a camper van rather than a Yamaha.
14:11You don't want him doing his kid and killing a kid
14:12and busting his balls on a dustbin lid.
14:1620% of Brits have sent a text message what?
14:19Is it 20% of Brits have sent a text message
14:21when really a bunch of flowers
14:22and the deepest sympathy card
14:23would have been more appropriate?
14:2620% of Brits have sent a text message
14:28playing the game Fuck You Roulette,
14:30which is where you type fuck you into your text message
14:33and then just go for your contacts, like that.
14:35Is it bringing a kiss at the end of the message, then deleting it, then putting it back on
14:42again afterwards?
14:43Do you ever do that?
14:44No, I should.
14:45Yeah, I will.
14:46No, I won't.
14:47I like it when you do, don't I?
14:50It's to do with what you're wearing.
14:51Naked?
14:52Yeah.
14:53What do you mean, Scott?
14:54I'm naked.
14:55Yes, correct.
14:5620% of Brits have sent a text message whilst naked.
15:01I'm in the boot of a car, just gone over a bridge.
15:04I think I'm passing a quarry.
15:05Sounds like an abattoir.
15:07Send help.
15:08Smiley face.
15:09So, at the end of that round, it is three points for Sean, Kirsty and Scott, four points
15:14for Dave, Piers and Jason.
15:15Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out what causes fights in pubs.
15:16Welcome back, Dave.
15:17Have a seat.
15:18The next round is Believe It or Not.
15:36In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
15:38All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:41Dave, Piers and Jason, you're to go first.
15:42Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
16:12Ah!
16:13Ah!
16:14Ah!
16:15Ah!
16:16Ah!
16:17Ah!
16:18Ah!
16:19Ah!
16:20Ah!
16:21Ah!
16:22Ah!
16:23Ah!
16:24Ah!
16:25Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:28Ah!
16:29Ah!
16:30Ah!
16:31Ah!
16:32Ah!
16:33Ah!
16:34Ah!
16:35Ah!
16:36Ah!
16:37Ah!
16:38Ah!
16:39Ah!
16:40Ah!
16:41Ah!
16:42Ah!
16:45Was that, Piers, was that you and Clarkson at the British Festival?
16:50Here is your related statistic.
16:5223% of fights in bars are caused by pub quizzes.
16:55Do you think that's true or false?
16:58It's at least 23%, I mean, they're ideal, aren't they?
17:00Confrontation, pub quizzes, they're brilliant.
17:02Everybody's in on Happy and Jolly, don't they?
17:04They think up really funny quiz team names, don't they?
17:07don't they, like, Quiz Team Aguilera, that's my favourite.
17:11The worst one for my local pub quiz team is that the quiz host,
17:16he looks like a massive, fat Elvis,
17:19and so our quiz team name is always,
17:21I Look Like A Big Fat Elvis.
17:24So when he runs through the points...
17:31Can you think hand up or not?
17:34It's hard being funny, innit?
17:38I don't know, cos, like, you know when you get an answer right
17:41and it's really, really difficult?
17:43Like, the other night I got this one and it said,
17:45in the human body, what's got a molecular weight of 164,458?
17:48And I knew it was haemoglobin.
17:50Anyway, I knew it was haemoglobin.
17:52Cos I used to work in hospital.
17:54And that's great, nobody else could possibly have got that one right.
17:57And then the quiz master starts giving fucking clues out.
18:00Think of maybe a Homo Goblin.
18:03What?
18:04Don't ever go to Scott in the middle of this.
18:12What sort of pub asks you the atomic weight of haemoglobin?
18:16Are you doing pub quizzes at NASA?
18:19OK, Dave, true or false, what do you think?
18:21We're going to say true.
18:23Well, I can tell you that the answer is in fact false.
18:25Only 3% of fights in bars are caused by pub quizzes.
18:28OK. Sean, Scott and Kirsty,
18:30let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:32Hi, I'm Jody Stolove.
18:34I created Chair Dancing,
18:36the exercise program that can be enjoyed by almost anybody.
18:39For example, a family can exercise together.
18:42Chair Dancing is also a good program for people who exercise at work.
18:46Well, that got us going.
18:48Now stretch your arms side and up,
18:50straighten your body and bring your arms down.
18:53Is that March music I hear?
18:55That's March to the music.
18:57And how about playing the trombone?
19:03Grab your orchestra batons
19:05because we're going to conduct the orchestra.
19:08You know the words.
19:10Sing along.
19:12ALL SING
19:18And let's all say...
19:20ALL SING
19:26I'd like to go into the dragon's den with that idea.
19:30The thing about her chair exercise routine
19:32is it would be much more effective if you stood up.
19:35You can go...
19:37You don't have to be sitting down to do that.
19:39Seems like an ironic thing because that is the sound I would make
19:42if I saw a fat woman waddling along.
19:46Kirsty, you had an exercise video, didn't you?
19:48Oh, God, yes, I did.
19:50What were you wearing in the exercise video?
19:52Were you wearing a unitard?
19:54No, I wasn't. I was wearing shorts.
19:56Because I think unitards sound like people that are a bit special but have a horn.
20:02That's why I like them.
20:04Right, here is your related statistic.
20:06On average, Brits spend 41 years of their lives sitting down.
20:10Is that true or false?
20:12It's not all in one sitting, that would be...
20:14Well, I imagine it's more.
20:16But you do everything. You go to school, you're sitting down.
20:19You watch telly, you're sitting down.
20:21You drive a tank, it's not everybody, but you're sitting down.
20:24Trapeze artists, they probably do hardly any sitting down.
20:27They're either swinging through the air or fighting off a clown.
20:30Get off, you dirty little pervert.
20:32Get off. Stop nibbling at my fishnets.
20:36No, she's on a trapeze.
20:38Of course she's doing that, she's on a trapeze.
20:40That's when she's swinging past.
20:42And these are all facts.
20:45I mean, how much time do you spend peeling the sticky tape off your shoe?
20:48A long time. Eight years, maybe.
20:50You add it all up.
20:52How much time do you spend with your hands on your hips?
20:54A lot of... A lot of time.
20:57When you're a kid, you spend your whole time sitting down, don't you?
20:59A kid runs around all day long, I thought.
21:01Yeah, but just to the swings.
21:03Watch telly.
21:05On average, Brits spend 41 years of their lives sitting down.
21:08Is that true or false?
21:10Absolute tommy rot.
21:12I've never heard such a load of old bull to that in all my days.
21:14I think it's true.
21:17I can tell you that the answer is true.
21:19Yes, well done.
21:22So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
21:24and four points for Dave's team.
21:26It's all to play for.
21:28And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:31I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls.
21:33It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:36Here is your first one.
21:38The biggest worry for farmers.
21:40Is it suicide badgers?
21:43Sorry, suicide badgers?
21:45Yeah, suicide badgers.
21:46That sounds like a bad band.
21:48Is it falling asleep every time you've got to check how many sheep you've got?
21:54Farmers, it's quite stressful because they really know what happens when you leave a gate open.
21:59It's carnage within seconds.
22:01It's like ground zero.
22:04Is it like being asleep at night and the scarecrow tapping on your window?
22:10Me and you outside.
22:13I'm just going to put my killing head on.
22:18Is it money?
22:19I'm going to give you that, Scott.
22:23Yes, the biggest worry for farmers is low commodity prices.
22:26Or money, in other words.
22:28The other big problem is that society can't accept that the love between a man and a horse
22:31is just as valid as the love between a man and a sheep.
22:36Okay, celebrity most in need of a makeover.
22:40Cherie Blair.
22:41Oh, yeah.
22:42She's turning into a weeble as well, have you noticed?
22:44From the back, she looks like a weeble.
22:46Looks like she's got a beanbag down the back of her pants.
22:49I think probably the most honourable thing I would do is I bought some pictures of Cherie Blair topless
22:54off the market and didn't publish them.
22:56There are just some things you can't change.
22:58Oh, you just kept them for yourself, you dirty scum.
23:01How about Heather Mills?
23:02She's adopted poshest pout, I think.
23:05That scowl.
23:06Can you do the bane little scowl?
23:08Celebrity most in need of a makeover.
23:10Well, they did one on Ann Widdecombe, didn't they?
23:12That was fantastic, obviously.
23:13But it's pointless, isn't it?
23:16It's like sprinkling glitter on dog shit, isn't it?
23:24She's a bizarre looking woman, isn't she?
23:26She looks like a choir boy with the bends.
23:32Hairdo, and then something's going off.
23:35Pete Doherty.
23:36That's the right answer.
23:40Yes, the celebrity most in need of a makeover is Pete Doherty.
23:43People say Pete Doherty hasn't contributed anything to society.
23:46On the contrary, he's made me introduce a condom
23:48into my fantasy of shagging Kate Moss.
23:54Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:55and the end of the show,
23:56which means the final scores are
23:57Sean Scott and Kirsty have five points,
23:59Dave Pearce and Jason have five points.
24:01It's a dead heat. Everyone's a winner.
24:04Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
24:06and to all of you for watching at home.
24:07That's it from us. Good night.
24:09The Secret Policeman's Ball comes to Channel 4 next week
24:11and they've teamed up with 4Radio
24:13to bring you exclusive downloads
24:15at Channel4Radio.com.
24:18Next up, Wolf Boy has made a hit with Avid's wife.
24:21It's Bo in the USA.