First broadcast 10th February 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Scott Capurro
Zoe Ball
Sally Lindsay
Ben Miller
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Scott Capurro
Zoe Ball
Sally Lindsay
Ben Miller
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00-♪ ♪
00:10-♪♪
00:20Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:23from Coronation Street, it's Sally Lindsey.
00:27Actor and funny man, Ben Miller.
00:31And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:35And facing them tonight,
00:37from dancing, it's Zoey Ball.
00:40Howdy, cowboy, it's Scott Capurro.
00:44And their captain, John Locke.
00:48And welcome your master of ceremonies, Jimmy Carr.
00:54Well, thanks very much.
00:56Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:58a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example, in the 2001 census,
01:04400,000 people listed their religion as Jedi?
01:08Which I like, because no-one minds
01:10if you draw a picture of Chewbacca with a bomb as a hat.
01:15There are 529 positions in the Karma Sutra.
01:18I've tried three of them.
01:21Two of them work.
01:24And 76% of Daily Mail readers
01:27think there's too much bad language on TV.
01:30Well, f*** those f***ing f***ers.
01:33Let's get started.
01:35APPLAUSE
01:42What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:45We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:47and they've asked the British nation
01:49what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:51It's our panellists' job to guess
01:53the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:55Shaun's team, you're to go first.
01:57I think it's that guy with the hook
01:59that was imprisoned here in Britain for seven years.
02:02The hook guy with the beard.
02:05What's he called?
02:07You know, the rrrr guy.
02:10Abuhamza.
02:12All right. You too.
02:14Anyway, so...
02:16I wasn't really convinced by the hall
02:19that they found in the Finsbury Park mosque.
02:21We've got a picture of this. Do you want to see this?
02:23Brilliant. There's, like, a wooden spoon.
02:26Seriously, look, there's a wooden spoon.
02:28Some copy decks.
02:30He's got a hook, he can't even hold a spoon.
02:33I think they're all attachments.
02:41You fancy some porridge?
02:47You can nick sausages off people's plates.
02:52I don't think he eats a lot of sausages.
03:00Right, let's see if Abuhamza
03:02was one of the most talked-about things this week.
03:04Yes, he was, the second most talked-about thing.
03:07Abuhamza was jailed for seven years this week
03:09after being found guilty of incitement to murder.
03:12Rumours abound that his escape plan involves a death slide.
03:17Dave's team, over to you.
03:19What else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:21Oh, there could be this international group of scientists
03:24found what they label the lost world in New Guinea.
03:27You know the Kupo Mountains near the Mamutabu Valley?
03:30Oh, just round the back, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
03:33They had this big splash.
03:35They said they'd discovered this lost world
03:37and loads of new species.
03:39And you're thinking, well, yeah, well,
03:41dinosaurs, carnivorous plants...
03:43Massive gorilla. Yeah. Frog.
03:45It's a frog.
03:47And a tree-climbing kangaroo.
03:49That's pretty big news, a tree-climbing kangaroo.
03:53Yeah.
03:54You slipped that in, didn't you?
03:56Yeah.
03:57And he can play the accordion.
03:59Yeah.
04:00But I always think of the things,
04:02when they discover a new species,
04:03it's always named by scientists.
04:05They always give them such dry names or lazy names.
04:07If you take an animal, like, in Africa,
04:09the first time they saw the wildebeest,
04:11and someone went, oh, it's a wild beast.
04:15Let's call it wildebeest.
04:18A moose.
04:19That's a cut name for an animal, isn't it? A moose.
04:21It should be called something like satellite donkey.
04:25Well, let's have a look and see
04:26whether the discovery of new species
04:27is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
04:31Yes, it is.
04:34Sean, Scott and Zoe,
04:35what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:37Well, I think people must have been talking about
04:39the first face transplant
04:41that was performed in France on a French woman.
04:43She fell asleep, I believe, passed out,
04:45and her dog ate her face off.
04:48And they've given her a new one.
04:50Not a new dog.
04:53The detail I thought was interesting
04:55was that they're waiting till it's completely settled,
04:57till the transplants,
04:58before they tell her about the donor of the face.
05:01Apparently he was banned from every bar in town.
05:05Owed gambling debts with the mafia.
05:08Acne.
05:09And was recently sacked as the cartoonist on a Danish newspaper.
05:14I've passed out in a room with a dog,
05:16and the worst thing I've had to do
05:17is wash my jeans in the morning.
05:20Well, let's have a look and see
05:21if the lady with the face transplant
05:22was one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:26Yes, it was.
05:28The fourth most talked about thing this week.
05:31The French face transplant woman, of course,
05:33spoke through an interpreter.
05:34And a dead woman's face.
05:38Surgeons warn there is a danger
05:40if the wind changes, her face might blow off.
05:44Dave's team,
05:45what else have people been talking about this week?
05:47People must have been talking about Preston's split.
05:50Oh, yes.
05:51Preston and Chantal,
05:52there was a lot of attraction,
05:54a lot of electricity in the air,
05:55during the Big Brother house.
05:57Who gives a flying fuck?
06:03I didn't watch it either, Dave.
06:05I was busy.
06:06I was just toasting each of my fingers.
06:09The other one.
06:11They went, ah, ah.
06:13They just went to the other hand.
06:16Nearly two weeks.
06:18Pete Burns got engaged today.
06:20He is the ugliest tranny ever.
06:23I mean, at least Michael Jackson can dance.
06:27Wasn't there some story about
06:28Pete Burns falling asleep on the sofa
06:30and his dog decided not to bother him?
06:33Well, let's have a look and see
06:34if it's one of the top five
06:35most talked about things this week.
06:38Yes, it is.
06:40Yes, this is the story
06:41that celebrity Big Brother star Preston
06:43has split from his girlfriend, Camille,
06:45who said she was sick of fame.
06:47Could she not just wait 15 minutes?
06:51OK, we've got one more thing to get.
06:53Fingers on buzzers,
06:54what else were people talking about this week?
06:56Is it Britney Spears
06:57riding in her car with her baby on her lap?
06:59No, that's not it.
07:00Britney Spears riding in her car
07:01with her baby on her lap?
07:02Oh, that's funny.
07:04The picture looked like
07:05it was the baby driving.
07:07The baby's starving and goes to shops.
07:10I think it's an irresponsible thing to do.
07:13Not as bad as leaving your kid
07:14on the bacon slicer.
07:15That's a no-no.
07:19If you're in the supermarket
07:21and you think,
07:22oh, I've just got to run
07:23and get some washing powder,
07:24just pop him down there.
07:27Has anyone said the thing
07:28when you go to the supermarket
07:29and your kid falls asleep
07:30and you want to run in?
07:31But you can't, can you?
07:32And the thing is,
07:33my kid, he's five,
07:34he's asleep, I know he's safe.
07:35He's not obviously safe,
07:36I really shouldn't know.
07:38Because when we were kids
07:39we got left in the car for hours.
07:40Hang on, Johnny Ball shock?
07:45Think of a number,
07:46that's how long I'm going to be.
07:53Britney Spears was not in the top five.
07:55She claims she sped off
07:56with her baby on her lap
07:57to escape the paparazzi.
07:58Well, that's worked well.
07:59She only made it on the front page
08:00in 56 countries.
08:04You've got one more thing to get.
08:06The riots,
08:07the worldwide global riots,
08:09the response to the Danish cartoon
08:11of Mohammed the Prophet.
08:12And I know people can be offended
08:14because on Chorley bus station
08:15somebody's painted a big cock and balls.
08:19And it's offended ladies
08:20and they won't walk across it.
08:21And it just needs a bit of common sense,
08:23like somebody from Chorley council
08:24came down with a marker,
08:25turned it into a rocket
08:26landing on a planet.
08:29It's fine, just make it
08:30into a birthday cake or something.
08:33I was just going to say
08:34that they were burning Danish flags
08:36and where did they get
08:37a Danish flag from on the Gaza Strip?
08:39Yeah, Flammable Flag Shops.
08:42Audience, would you like to see
08:43these cartoons that have caused
08:44so much outrage?
08:47Are you mental?
08:50Never going to happen
08:51in a million fucking years.
08:53Well, let's have a look
08:54if the Danish cartoons
08:55are one of the top five
08:56most talked about things this week.
08:58Here they are.
08:59The most talked about thing
09:00this week.
09:02Well, this is the story
09:03of the Danish cartoons
09:04of the prophet Mohammed.
09:05Danish goods have been boycotted
09:06all over the Middle East,
09:07but they're not that bothered.
09:08They were having a hard time
09:09shifting beer, pornography
09:10and bacon in the Muslim world
09:12at the best of times.
09:15Now, I had no idea
09:16what the Danish flag looked like
09:17until two days ago.
09:18Turns out it's white and red
09:20with big orangey flamey things
09:21coming out the top.
09:23Well, at the end of that round,
09:24Sean, Zoe and Scott
09:25have two points.
09:27Dave, Sally and Ben
09:28have three points.
09:34The next round is called
09:35the poll with a hole.
09:36We've looked through
09:37hundreds of surveys
09:38past and present
09:39from around the world
09:40and unearthed
09:41some fascinating facts.
09:42Unfortunately,
09:43each statistic is missing
09:44one salient piece of information.
09:45So, it's up to our panellists
09:46to fill in the gaps.
09:4777% of grannies
09:48say they've never seen
09:49a Danish flag.
09:5077% of grannies
09:51think there was less what
09:52in the 60s?
09:54Is it Coldplay?
09:58Is it balsamic vinegar?
10:01Is it 77% of grannies
10:02think there was less
10:03chalice of shag
10:04in a Manchester United
10:05midfielder?
10:08Oh, the 1960s.
10:10I was not getting
10:11any of that.
10:12I'm sorry.
10:13I thought you meant
10:14when they were 60.
10:16I didn't...
10:20Oh, no.
10:21The Wayne Rooney...
10:22OK, now, that's funny.
10:23That was good.
10:27Is there less chance
10:28of consolidating
10:29all your existing lawns
10:30into one easily
10:31repairable lawn?
10:34Is it cock?
10:38You were along
10:39the right lines, Ben.
10:40Sleaze.
10:41Sleaze is exactly right.
10:4577% of grannies
10:46think there was less
10:47sleaze in the 60s
10:48but there was more sex
10:49and their husband
10:50was still alive.
10:53One in three Brits
10:54has what
10:55just to look clever?
10:56Bought the Harry Potter book
10:57with the adult cover.
10:59I did that.
11:00What, you bought
11:01the Harry Potter book
11:02with the...?
11:03Yeah, with the cover
11:04so I could read it.
11:05And then went,
11:06all the way through it
11:07so they knew
11:08what I was reading.
11:09Well, it could have
11:10been all manner of things.
11:11It could have been
11:12Jilly Cooper.
11:13Oh, love her.
11:14You love Jilly Cooper?
11:15Doesn't everyone?
11:16I'm not a big fan.
11:17Have you never
11:18read Riders?
11:19Have you?
11:20Yes, I have.
11:21Did you like it?
11:22No.
11:24Well, I know what I did
11:25once to look clever.
11:26Lied at an interview.
11:27And they know, don't they?
11:28They know straight away
11:29you're lying.
11:30They don't let you off the hook.
11:31It was this job at this hospital
11:32and this consultant
11:33old school,
11:34Rose and all that,
11:35said,
11:36any hobbies?
11:37And I went,
11:38oh yes,
11:39stamp collecting.
11:40He went,
11:41oh, so what country
11:42do you specialise in?
11:43I went, China.
11:44Well, that's unusual.
11:45Oh, fuck, is it?
11:46Why China?
11:47What does he do?
11:48He works there.
11:49Where does he work?
11:50Beijing.
11:51What does he do?
11:52He's an engineer.
11:53Sort of an engineer.
11:54He's a marine engineer.
11:55In Beijing,
11:56all right,
11:57I don't collect stamps.
11:58Let's leave it.
11:59All right.
12:00They have a Sudoku game.
12:01Is that?
12:02Because that's the new trendy thing
12:03to make you look smart.
12:04Is that?
12:05Just fill it in.
12:06Nobody checks it, do they?
12:07Two minutes.
12:08Two minutes.
12:09Is it just?
12:10Read a book.
12:11Is it books?
12:12Read a book.
12:13I'll give you that.
12:14It's buy a book.
12:15I'll give you that.
12:16It's buy a book.
12:17Buy a book.
12:18Yeah.
12:19I'll give you that.
12:20Go on.
12:21Oh.
12:22If confronted by an alien,
12:239% of Brits would what?
12:25Would you go,
12:26bong, bong, bong, bong, bong.
12:28You'd have to be at least
12:29tempted to do that, wouldn't you?
12:30Yeah.
12:319% would probably just
12:32happily slap it and run off,
12:33wouldn't they?
12:34Yeah.
12:35Did you get that, Billy?
12:36Come on.
12:38Is it 9%?
12:39It's probably what?
12:40That's teenagers, isn't it?
12:41Teenagers, they'd probably say,
12:42get a six can of Stella
12:43and I'll give you one.
12:46I used to just say,
12:47could you get a six can of Stella?
12:48Well, you didn't give him one.
12:49No, I bloody didn't.
12:51You're a teenage girl,
12:52your two pack buys a six pack.
12:54I mean, you just have to be
12:55pretty and nice and guys
12:56will do anything for you, right?
12:57I think breasts are great,
12:58by the way.
12:59Thanks for that.
13:00They're great, you know,
13:01in terms of numbers
13:02because, I mean,
13:03half the world has them
13:04and there's two on those people
13:05so there's one for everybody.
13:07Whereas penises,
13:08only half the world has one
13:10so they're more rare,
13:11it's more competitive.
13:12I'm glad you don't teach maths
13:14in a primary school.
13:16Look, kiddies,
13:17two is titties.
13:18You've got two titties.
13:19Kids go, what?
13:20You've got one dick.
13:22I'll tell you what the clue is.
13:23If I give you two titties,
13:24three dicks, one dick,
13:25who's got this?
13:26Jimmy, you got a dick?
13:28Where's the dick
13:29for the mix with the chick?
13:33Buy her a beer.
13:34You're closest with that.
13:35Offer her a cup of tea.
13:36Offer them a cup of tea
13:37is the correct answer.
13:38Oh, I didn't know.
13:40I'm sorry.
13:41Well done, Ben.
13:44Yes, if confronted by an alien,
13:459% of Brits would offer it
13:47a cup of tea.
13:48Lapsang Souchong,
13:49how dare you insult my sister.
13:51I'm the death ray.
13:53Darjeeling,
13:54apology accepted.
13:57So at the end of that round,
13:58it's three points for Sean's team
14:00and six points to Dave's team.
14:03Join us after the break.
14:05Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Tests.
14:07It's time for What's The Poll?
14:09I'm going to show you five people
14:10who were all popular answers
14:11on the same poll.
14:12All our panellists have to do
14:13is tell me, what's the poll?
14:14Here is your first person.
14:15What are you going to sing for us?
14:17Greatest Love.
14:18Oh, fabulous.
14:20In your own time.
14:21I believe our children are future
14:24Teach them well and let them lead
14:27And I believe in love
14:29And I believe in love
14:31And I believe in love
14:33Let them lead the way
14:35Show them all the beauty
14:36They possess inside
14:40I decided long ago
14:42Never to walk in anyone's shadow
14:47Can I ask one thing though?
14:49Have you ever tried singing with teeth?
14:53She has really let herself go, hasn't she?
14:58So Sharon Osbourne,
14:59what poll do you think she might have appeared in?
15:00People you'll not see shopping in Asda.
15:04People who I just don't secretly fancy.
15:10Have you got a bit of a thing for...
15:11Yeah.
15:12Really?
15:13I have.
15:14It's like when you fancy your friend's mum at school.
15:16Except now the friend's mum's grown a bit older.
15:19And is probably up for it.
15:22She's a bit older, you're on the telly more.
15:24Come on.
15:25You want to go to prison?
15:28There's nothing sexier than knowing
15:29you're not going to jail.
15:32Let's have a look at your next person.
15:35Within minutes,
15:36Paul's exclusive has dropped massively in value
15:39as every passing pap spots Britain's hottest couple.
15:42Fucking walking, look at that.
15:44Hosed down all down the fucking street, look.
15:48Paul's having problems keeping up with the chase.
15:51Couldn't leave the van, could I?
15:53Not in that election,
15:54not all the other photographers are there,
15:55all the kit and everything else in it.
15:57Everyone else is working in twos.
15:59It's not an issue, it's just a fact.
16:03Kate Moss there, trying to avoid the paparazzi.
16:05You sure it's not Dyna-Rod?
16:08He doesn't like paparazzi.
16:09The only camera he's got is the one going down your drains.
16:12Is it women who've had a significant relationship
16:15with someone with a drug problem,
16:17but on reflection would probably concede
16:20that the experience, though painful,
16:24had somehow made them stronger?
16:26I'll just check.
16:29No.
16:31Is it women who've woken up in the middle of the night
16:33to find the person pissing in the wardrobe?
16:37Let's have a look at the next person.
16:39I bet you were the school swat and never got kissed.
16:42At arms!
16:43What are you going to do, moisturise me?
16:45With acid.
16:46Oh, you're too late anyway.
16:48My spiders have control of the mainframe.
16:51Oh, you all carried them.
16:54I'm not just a pretty face.
16:56Well, that was either Doctor Who or My Family's Gone Off The Boil.
17:00What poll do you think Doctor Who, Kate Moss and Sharon Osbourne
17:03might have appeared on?
17:04People who have been the subject of knock-knock jokes.
17:07Knock-knock, who's there? Doctor, Doctor Who.
17:10Knock-knock, who's there? Kate Moss. Brilliant.
17:15It's the Brush Squad.
17:17People who've woken up in a phone box
17:19and wondered what year it was.
17:23Right, next person on the list.
17:26It's Shilburg Day.
17:30Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Shardy.
17:35It's Shilburg Day.
17:37We're going to party like it's Shilburg Day.
17:39We're going to sit in the car like it's Shilburg Day.
17:4250 Cent there.
17:44Fiddy was famously shot nine times but has yet to get the message.
17:47Shut up!
17:51So, 50 Cent, Doctor Who, Kate Moss and Sharon Osbourne.
17:55What's the poll? They've all nearly died.
17:57They've all nearly died? Yeah. Go on.
17:59Well, 50 Cent got shot and nearly died.
18:02Doctor Who always kind of nearly dies and then becomes someone else.
18:05Kate Moss supposedly nearly died when she did loads of drugs one time.
18:09It's a very, very good answer. It's entirely incorrect.
18:11Oh, is it? Very good.
18:13Let's have a look at the final person.
18:14This was a proud day for the family
18:16and partly, of course, it's been about this woman.
18:20Catherine Middleton.
18:21And an occasion with its own quirky traditions
18:24like being patted on the head with a leather pouch
18:27containing a fragment of the trousers of a 16th century preacher.
18:31Peculiar, you said it.
18:33Prince William's girlfriend there, Kate Middleton.
18:35They've all been patted on the head by a pair of 16th century trousers.
18:39It's an incredible coincidence.
18:41It's only ever happened once in the history of the world.
18:45They all have fetishised Prince William because we've all done that.
18:49That's not gay, that's patriotism.
18:52Wouldn't you shag your king?
18:54Yeah.
18:55If he needed you, Jimmy?
18:57If the country was in crisis and Prince Charles said,
19:00Jimmy, I need you to make love to me.
19:03He'd go, I'm not gay, I'm just bloody patriotic.
19:07Yeah, you're right, I would give him that.
19:09Eurgh!
19:14Eurgh!
19:16Oh, I'll tell you what...
19:17You face Prince Charles!
19:19So what hold do you think they might have all been on?
19:21People like wearing some of the clothes that they wear.
19:24I'm going to give you that.
19:26I'm going to give you that.
19:28Yes, they all appeared on a poll of fashion icon of 2005.
19:322005, that's so last year.
19:36You're a bit of a fashion icon, aren't you, Mr Jimmy Carr?
19:39Thanks very much.
19:40I'll design a gear from Mattowan.
19:46So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Scott and Zoe have four points,
19:49Dave, Sally and Ben have six points.
19:55And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:58I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
20:00It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:03Here is your first one.
20:05Main reason people don't go to the theatre more.
20:08Smells of old people.
20:11I think the main reason people don't go to the theatre anymore is Ben Elton.
20:15Fear of curtains.
20:18There's too many musicals on now.
20:20Everything is a musical now.
20:22Musicals are great.
20:23Oh yeah, what a surprise.
20:30Why are you so afraid of people that can sing and dance?
20:32Why does that intimidate you?
20:33It doesn't, it just bores the tits off of me.
20:37Ben, you've done some proper acting.
20:39Why don't people go to the theatre?
20:40Because it's very boring.
20:42That's pretty much the answer.
20:43The main reason people don't go to the theatre is that they're not really interested in the theatre.
20:49It's obvious when you say it, isn't it?
20:51Main cause of stress for country folk.
20:54The wet grass everywhere, just grass.
20:57Only grass.
20:59And the strange flying trains in the air with wings.
21:03And the silence.
21:05Definite silence.
21:07Is it badges and hoodies?
21:09Is it trying to get 60 Bosnians in a two berth caravan?
21:13Time for the cabbage picking season.
21:17Actually, probably learning the Bosnian for put cabbage in truck.
21:23I think farmers have a lot of trouble meeting women.
21:26For example, if you've spent the day slicing off chicken beaks and then feeding them back to them, you don't bring it up.
21:32You don't bring it up when you're having a drink with a lady.
21:34You go, what have you been up to today?
21:35Yeah, I've been slicing off chicken faces.
21:40Main cause of stress for country folk.
21:42It's quite an obvious one.
21:43Financial loss would be the main.
21:45Yeah, I'll give you that. It is declining income.
21:50The main cause of stress for country folk is declining income.
21:53Well, they should stop declining it then, shouldn't they?
21:56Of course, the real problem is soaring incest rates.
22:02Smell most likely to put off home buyers.
22:06Gas.
22:10Don't do that!
22:12Burning Danish flags.
22:16That links Africa.
22:19What are you talking about? Girls love that.
22:23Burning hair.
22:26Does burning hair is kind of an odd smell that would turn me off to a house?
22:29Yeah, but is that the most likely thing to turn a buyer off?
22:31How many people do you know that are selling their house because their hair's on fire?
22:36Reason for moving? Well, this.
22:40Smoking.
22:41Correct.
22:48Yes, the smell most likely to put off home buyers is tobacco smoke.
22:51Second on the list was damp. Third was animals.
22:53So if you have a drenched beagle you've just rescued from a medical research facility,
22:57tell him to put his fag out.
23:02Well, that sound tells me that's the end of the round and the end of the game,
23:04which means the final scores are Scott, Sean and Zoe have six points.
23:08Dave, Sally and Ben are the winners with seven points.
23:11Congratulations.
23:14Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:16and to all of you for watching at home.
23:18That's it from us. See you next week. Good night.
23:38.