First broadcast 16th June 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Sally Lindsay
Julian Clary
Dave Johns
Edith Bowman
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Sally Lindsay
Julian Clary
Dave Johns
Edith Bowman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, all rise for Julie and Clary!
00:27Afternoon delight, it's Edith Bowman!
00:30And their captain, John Locke!
00:34And facing them tonight, making a rover's return, it's Sally Lindsey!
00:40Geordie boy, Dave Johns!
00:43And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:47Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:52Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example, research says you have a 1 in 3.5 million chance of being killed by a snake bite?
01:07And that figure rises significantly if you're allergic to cider.
01:15A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself, or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.
01:24The average man uses 38 sheets of toilet paper every day. The average woman uses almost twice that much, which is fair enough.
01:31Women have two bottoms.
01:36Let's get started.
01:45What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:48We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:53It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:56Dave's team, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:59I would imagine World Cup. World Cup.
02:02It's been going on a week, no real surprises, but from Sven's tactics, he's a clone, isn't he?
02:07The man's a clone. I mean, all right, we're through, aren't we? We're through to the last 16, but it makes you think, doesn't it?
02:11We play Sweden next, so he's got probably Rooney in goal.
02:15Ulrika up front. I don't know, I'm just guessing.
02:18But mind, the Germans have been trying to put off having all that slagging stuff off with Beckham's family, yeah?
02:23Yeah, indeed, yeah.
02:25They said that his mother was a 50-year-old fat-armed peasant who drinks sangria.
02:30So she'd be right up Wayne Rooney's street then.
02:35They also, they called the Beckham's children dwarves, which is just stupid.
02:40They're children.
02:42Wait until they grow up, then call them dwarves.
02:46It's just stupid, it's calling children dwarves, it's a bit like calling a baby.
02:50Oi, you bald bastard!
02:53Baldy!
02:55Did you see this, Judy? They slagged off his family.
02:57Whose family?
02:58Well, David Beckham's family, in the German press.
03:01They've slagged off his family, they've said they're not very nice.
03:03Oh, well, no, I miss semen.
03:14I went to the World Cup, actually, I went last weekend.
03:17The England fans are very well behaved.
03:18There was a few Polish fans arrested for doing Sieg heils, because that's illegal in Germany.
03:22You're not allowed to do a Sieg heil.
03:23And you can get two weeks in jail for goose-stepping.
03:25Which isn't a problem for most England fans, because they walk like ducks.
03:31The thing with the Sieg heiling, did you hail a cab while you were out there?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Two arms.
03:38I'll tell you something about England.
03:39Brazil only won 1-0, the favourites, 5-1 favourites.
03:41They took Ronaldo off, did you see that?
03:43Took Ronaldo off because he was too fat.
03:46He's enormous, isn't he?
03:47And the coach said, this is the first step, we've got six more steps now.
03:50And I thought, well, he'll not get up them.
03:53You're going to need a chairlift to get him up them.
03:55Well, let's have a look and see whether the World Cup is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
04:01Oh, yes, of course it is.
04:05Sven-Goran Eriksson has lifted the sex ban for England players, despite Colleen McLaughlin's desperate pleas.
04:11A German newspaper this week attacked David Beckham's family.
04:14The paper called his sister a pig, said his mother had the smile of a peasant,
04:18and that his father was nothing more than a kitchen fitter.
04:20Beckham was furious. He said he also does bathrooms.
04:30Sean Steen, one of them they should be talking about this week.
04:32Big Brother.
04:33Are you a fan?
04:34I do watch it, yes. I'm fascinated.
04:36They've been in five weeks, which is like more than you get for murder these days, isn't it?
04:40Who's your favourite?
04:41Oh, I don't, I sort of love to hate people in it, so Grace at the moment.
04:46Bitch.
04:48I think what she is, is she's no idea how unbearable she is.
04:52She thinks, really, she's quite a nice person.
04:55And, in fact, is a massive bitch.
05:00A massive bitch.
05:04You just wish there was somewhere we could all fall up and get her kicked out, don't you?
05:10If only we could have a say.
05:13Want them to sort of have sex, that's the thing, get them in the house and they want them to have sex.
05:17And then they fuzz it out.
05:20They fuzz it out?
05:21Yeah.
05:22That's foreplay, isn't it?
05:24Is that you doing foreplay?
05:25Yeah, that's basically how I do it.
05:27Hello.
05:29Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
05:30I'm Jimmy Carr.
05:31This week they went in with the golden ticket.
05:32The easiest route.
05:33The Kit Kat thing.
05:34Yeah.
05:35They might shoot the winner through the roof of the Big Brother house in a glass lift, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
05:42And it lands on a spike.
05:49I think what they should do, is switch the cameras off and don't tell them.
05:52Yes.
05:54Yes.
05:58They splatter that for another eight weeks and everyone that gets voted out, they come out and there's not even a minicab driver there.
06:06The problem with that is it's such a good idea, I'd want to see it on telly.
06:11Sally, are you watching Big Brother?
06:12No, I've made an absolute partner to watch it.
06:15Well, I'm the same with Corrie.
06:17I like the celebrity one.
06:18Yeah, no, it is kind of trashy, but that's kind of what I like about it.
06:21Is it?
06:22Would you ever do it like Celebrity Big Brother?
06:23No, I wouldn't fancy that.
06:24I wouldn't want to sleep in a sort of dormitory arrangement with who knows who next to you.
06:30There's no fucking chance of finding me in it.
06:38I'm not going to do it.
06:39I'm not going to do it.
06:40I'm not going to do it.
06:41I'm not going to do it.
06:42I'm not going to do it.
06:43I'm not going to do it.
06:45Hey, you might be innocently eating your Kit Kat and find a ticket,
06:51although whether or not you could manage four fingers is anyone's guess.
06:57I feel I'm violated by a pun.
07:04Well, is it a top five talking point? Let's have a look.
07:09Yes, Big Brother is the third most talked about thing this week.
07:12Yes, Big Brother is the third most talked about thing this week.
07:14When Grace leaves the house, she's most looking forward to having some booze.
07:17That shouldn't be a problem.
07:26What else have the nation been talking about?
07:28Is it the Queen's birthday? God bless her, 80 year old.
07:31Is that what it is?
07:32Yeah, because I saw, I was driving through Windsor and on a roundabout they had a big sheet.
07:35Happy 80s.
07:37Does she have two baskies on as well?
07:39She does, which explains why she looks so fucking old.
07:43I'd love her, I'd love her to get to 80 and just get leathered.
07:46Show her arse or something.
07:48See her kind of holding the bar up, downing Zambuca shots.
07:52All she'll probably do is say, thank you very much, have a cup of tea,
07:55go out the back and strangle a pheasant.
07:58That's what she enjoys.
08:01I love that picture of her just finishing off a pheasant.
08:05Just looking around, makes no one look at her.
08:08Apparently her excuse for it, she said, was to put it out of its misery.
08:11I thought they were quite happy living in the woods.
08:15Philip says he's going out the back choking a pheasant, means something completely different.
08:23Sean, have you got any birthday message for the Queen?
08:25I think she's totally unnecessary.
08:27You know, what do we need a Queen for?
08:32What do we need a Queen for?
08:33Bees have a Queen, for Christ's sake.
08:36We don't need a Queen, we're far more sophisticated than bees.
08:38And anyway, they get to shag their Queen, we don't get to near ours.
08:42Have you sent a birthday message before?
08:46Let's have a look and see if it's one of the biggest stories of the week.
08:52Yes, the Queen is now 80.
08:54To celebrate the Queen's birthday, the Royal Mail has issued a commemorative stamp.
08:57A stamp with the Queen's head on it.
08:59Where do they get their ideas?
09:02Okay, Sean, your team, what else are they actually talking about?
09:04I think the X Factor style contest for the Tory Mayor candidate.
09:08David Cameron is another one of his attention grabbing scams.
09:11All the public can vote for whoever they want to be the Tory candidate to stand up against Ken Livingstone.
09:16He is amusingly saying it's not a publicity stunt as well.
09:18What he's basically saying is, we're so useless, we haven't got anyone to beat Ken.
09:22So, any nutter out there who fancies it, some tramp sitting there combing his hair with his shoe, you can run London if you fancy it.
09:32He was on our show actually, he came on our radio show about a month ago.
09:34And the most interesting thing we found out about him was the fact that if he had to shag one of the girls aloud, it would be Cheryl Tweedy.
09:41Well, that was a probing interview, wasn't it?
09:44Yeah, in fact, you're making him sound bad there, but you asked that question.
09:48Maybe he just offered it up.
09:50Maybe he just offered it up.
09:52Hey, how are you doing? Cheryl Tweedy, I did.
09:56Think about the X Factor, they have auditions, don't they?
09:58So, I like the idea of some toothless granny singing Danny Boy while she's banging a tray over her head.
10:04You could go, yeah, we want her to run London.
10:08Danny Boy, all the pipes.
10:13I'm against Ken Livingstone.
10:16She sounds all right.
10:18Right, okay, well, that's your answer. Let's have a look if it's one of the top five most talked about things this week.
10:22It is.
10:24Okay, one more to get fingers on buzzers. What else have the nation been talking about this week?
10:29They've been talking about, which is on the front page of every paper I've seen, is the soft sentencing by judges.
10:34The naming, the Sun has been naming and shaming judges, and they're showing pictures of judges, which I don't think is going to work, because they've all got 17th century wigs on.
10:42They're not going to get a lot of hassle in the street.
10:45In fact, the only time they're going to get recognised is if you're facing them in court, and you're hardly likely to go,
10:51you're that soft judge who gives out all those really lenient sentences, and I think you're doing a great job.
10:5753 people, is it, since 2000 have been released. They've served like five, four, five, six years.
11:03And they've been sentenced to life imprisonment. It's like the life of what, a hamster?
11:07Are we sentencing people in dog years?
11:11The trouble is, if nothing means what it says, if life doesn't mean life, and six years doesn't mean six years,
11:16you might as well bring back hanging, but it doesn't mean hanging, it just means you have to wear a scarf for a while.
11:28What happens to all the crazy judges?
11:31All the mad judges just go like, 30 years!
11:34I think I'll send them down.
11:36It hasn't even started yet, Your Honour. 10 years, shut up!
11:3950 years, who wants it?
11:42Mad judges, go bow-wow-wow.
11:45Can we have a look and see if judges is one of the most talked about things?
11:53200 judges have been named and shamed for being too lenient.
11:57Top of the list was Louis Walsh for letting Lucy Benjamin win Celebrity X Factor.
12:02At the end of that round, Sean, Julian and Edith have three points, Dave, Sally and Dave have two points.
12:07The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:10We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:14Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information, so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:19Sean, Julian and Edith, 32% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs what?
12:24I think he needs to go to jail, because he's in court every bloody week.
12:28He walks out, off his face usually, he gets into an umbrella and he's like,
12:32he walks out, off his face usually, he gets into an uninsured, you know, untaxed car,
12:39crack pipe, a phone in one hand, drives off using his feet.
12:43What's he like?
12:46Perhaps he needs a new spoon.
12:49The amazing thing is, he does all this crime and he never gets put away.
12:54He's going to see that bloody lenient judge, that's why.
12:57He gets arrested so much, right, every time he buys drugs he gets arrested,
13:00so I think he needs a new dealer.
13:07One that doesn't phone the police as soon as he leaves the house, going, yeah, I've just sold it to him.
13:13Do you like his music?
13:15I used to like his music, I don't like what he's done recently.
13:18If you're watching, fuck you.
13:20Choose Radio 1, good luck selling some records.
13:2632% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs what?
13:29A bath.
13:30Correct.
13:34Yes, 32% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs a good bath, and then that bath needs a good clean.
13:40Dave, Sally and Dave, 90% of doormen say the point of their job is what?
13:45Is it mainly opening and shutting doors?
13:49Or twatting?
13:52Did I say that?
13:53Yeah.
13:54I know.
13:55You big London ways.
13:5810% of doormen say the point of their job is to keep them out of prison.
14:01The other 10% didn't understand the question.
14:09Sally, what do you make a doorman, do you like him?
14:10No, not really.
14:12Well, there's a doorman in our local pub, and I went for lunch one day, with my trainers on,
14:17and I went to get something from my car, and he came back and he wouldn't let me in.
14:20Because he had gone seven, and they wouldn't allow trainers.
14:23And you were a celebrity?
14:24And I was on the telly.
14:27I mean, ordinary people I imagine that happens to.
14:30This has happened to a celebrity.
14:34I will give you that, yeah.
14:3990% of doormen think the point of their job is to provide security.
14:43The other 10% presumably think they're modelling bomber jackets.
14:47So, at the end of that round, it's five points to Sean's team, and four points to Dave's team.
14:54Join me after the break, when we'll be finding out if old people have the right to behave badly.
15:11Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
15:13The next round is Believe It Or Not.
15:14I'll give the panellists a simple statement.
15:16All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:19Dave, Sally and Dave, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
15:21I like being older because I can do what I want whenever I want.
15:27Movies are cheaper.
15:29My husband is all mine. No more competition from the job.
15:34I find in retrospect that I spend a lot of time doing meaningless things for people I didn't really like, for organisations I didn't really believe in.
15:43I can't get pregnant anymore.
15:46Some very old people there. Here is your related statistic.
15:4931% of over-65s believe that their age gives them the right to behave badly. Is that true or false?
15:55That sounds awful, but I think it's true.
15:57I think they go, I've said it, I'm old, I'm going to moan.
16:0131% of over-65s think they're living in 1944 anyway, don't they? They don't know, do they?
16:05And they drive that way as well. That's behaving badly.
16:08Last time they passed the test was in a Ceres and Hermod car at El Alamein.
16:11Last time they passed the test was in a Ceres and Hermod car at El Alamein.
16:15Stickers in the back window, I lost a leg at Dunkirk and all that.
16:20They drive as if they're permanently looking for a parking space.
16:25She was 96 and she did wing walking. You know where they go on a plane, on a stunt plane?
16:31When she landed she had the face of a 16-year-old.
16:34All the wrinkles had been blown back down her back and congregated in her knickers.
16:39I remember driving back from Blackpool once.
16:43You've lived a lie.
16:45Rock on.
16:47And there was an old woman driving the opposite way up the hard shoulder.
16:51And I stopped and I said, are you all right, love?
16:54Is this the way to Blackpool?
16:56And I went, no, you've got to all go that way.
16:59And then the other side, they all go that way.
17:01And she just carried on.
17:03There's that old story or urban myth about an old woman following her husband up, who's coming back on the M65,
17:08and saying, be careful, I've just had a report on the radio,
17:12that there's a mad bastard driving the wrong way up the M65.
17:15He said, one mad bastard, there's fucking hundreds of them.
17:23Oh, it's funny up north, isn't it?
17:25They always go shopping on a Saturday dinner time.
17:28They've got a whole fucking week to go shopping, haven't they?
17:32They've got a whole week.
17:34And you're in a hurry on a Saturday dinner time.
17:36They're in the queue with the coupons.
17:38And do you take Birdseye?
17:40And you say, how much is it, £1.75?
17:42Give me a two quid, fuck off, go on.
17:44What is this, Dave?
17:46I can't understand why you keep using the word they.
17:52Get back.
17:54It's a family show.
17:56OK, 31% of the over 65s believe their age gives them the right to behave badly.
17:59True or false, what do you think?
18:00I think it's true.
18:02We all seem to agree on this.
18:04You think it's true.
18:06Well, I can tell you that the answer is false.
18:08Only 3% of pensioners think that their age gives them the right to behave badly.
18:11And the three in question are Foggy, Compo and Clegg.
18:14OK, Sean, Julian and Edith, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:18OK, there's Dick Shepherd, just about to attempt to go through our special seaside special van.
18:24I think it's well and truly on fire now.
18:26Here he comes up for the approach.
18:28Here he goes, keeping his fingers crossed.
18:30And he's through!
18:33Well, he's worked his way through.
18:35It is still on fire.
18:38And let's see if he's going to get out alright.
18:40We're just all keeping our fingers crossed at this stage.
18:43The fire seems to be, no, the fire's still there underneath the bonnet.
18:47They're just at this very moment trying to get him out.
18:50Yes, there he goes.
18:52They're tipping it up.
18:54Still very much on fire, I'm afraid.
18:56And they're just trying to pull him out right now.
18:58Yes, Dick is, I think, alright in there.
19:00Yes, he's definitely alright.
19:02I can see Dick moving inside there, so everything seems to be alright.
19:05Yes, here he comes.
19:07He's alright, ladies and gentlemen.
19:09There he is, Dick Shepherd.
19:11He's made it.
19:13A nice round of applause.
19:15Well done, Dick.
19:17A nice round of applause for Dick Shepherd.
19:19Dick Shepherd there.
19:21You know people talk about, like,
19:22telly wasn't like it used to be.
19:24You know, that was a Saturday night,
19:26it was a show called Saturday Special,
19:28so the highlight of the show was him driving
19:30into a removal van on fire.
19:32That was it.
19:34That was the finale of the night.
19:36You drive into it and then you crawl out.
19:38Ta-da!
19:40OK, your related statistic,
19:4221% of men admit to having done something
19:45that put their life in danger in order to impress a woman.
19:48True or false?
19:50I think it's false.
19:52Because I think it's higher.
19:54Because I think men think
19:56that switching off the PlayStation's
19:58putting their life in danger.
20:03Julian, has a man ever done anything to impress you?
20:06He did come round to my house driving a Fiat.
20:11Did the trick.
20:13Have you?
20:15What, have I ever done anything to impress a woman?
20:17Watch loose, women.
20:19I think the best way to impress a woman
20:20is to get anything you want.
20:26You still were telling me...
20:28That glove, have it.
20:30It's a dashboard from a Vauxhall Viva there,
20:32take it away, it's yours.
20:3421% of men admit having done something
20:36to put their life in danger
20:38in order to impress a woman.
20:40True or false?
20:42It's true.
20:44I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:4621% of men have done something
20:48to put their life in danger
20:50in order to impress a woman.
20:52But in my house,
20:54I turned into traffic
20:56without checking the blind spot properly.
20:58Man, she was turned on.
21:00So, at the end of that round,
21:02it's 6 points for Sean Steve
21:04and 4 points to Gacy.
21:10And the winner is,
21:12is the name of our final round.
21:14I'm gonna give the teams a series
21:16of opinion polls and surveys.
21:18It's up to them to buzz in
21:20Because I was just thinking of the day, I haven't seen one of them for ages.
21:25What about the dragon?
21:27I only say that because a mate of mine put an advert in Loot for advertising a dragon for a laugh.
21:32Right, and this bloke phoned him.
21:34This dragon, is it like a lizard thing? He went, no, it's a proper dragon and everything.
21:38He said, oh, like one of them iguanas, big iguanas.
21:40No, no, it's a big 20-foot dragon.
21:42Oh, you mean like one of them kimono dragons, one of them big ones, them kimono dragons.
21:46No, it's a proper 20-foot, breathes fire, all that.
21:49He went, oh, I better leave it then.
21:54Is it Smurfs?
21:56I've always worried about the long-term future of the Smurfs, because there's only one female Smurf.
22:03Yeah, but she's a slut.
22:06Is that the right answer?
22:08No, it's not the Smurfs.
22:10I'm going to have to tell you the answer. It's the water voles.
22:12Water voles have difficulty reproducing because they can't get it up while Bill Oddie is watching.
22:17What's your kids' favourite thing about summer?
22:20Is it that their knives glint in the sunshine?
22:29Is it fishing for sticklebacks and then making a fat kid eat it?
22:35Stop crying! Eat them!
22:38Yes, it's a great answer.
22:41No, clearly not. You're mental.
22:44If there's anything better that reminds me of summer than setting light to a balm...
22:50...and then standing back, admiring my handiwork from a safe distance...
22:54...while the farmer ran around frantically with buckets of water.
22:57It's somewhere you don't have to go.
22:59Not having to go to school.
23:01Correct answer.
23:05Kids' favourite thing about the summer holidays is no school.
23:08Surprisingly, only 1% of kids said their favourite thing about summer was eating ice cream.
23:12I guess once you've tasted methadone, Gino Ginelli can fuck off.
23:21That sound tells me it is the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:24Which means the final scores are...
23:26Dave, Sally and Dave have 4 points.
23:28Sean, Julian and Edith have 8 points.
23:30They are the winners.
23:32Thank you to our panellists, to our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
23:36That's it from us. Good night.
23:43The award-winning Jimmy Carr stand-up DVD is available now.
23:46To order your copy, call 0870 1234 344 or click under channel 4.com slash shop.
23:53Next, Big Brother live eviction.