8 Out of 10 Cats. S03 E04.

  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 16th June 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Sally Lindsay
Julian Clary
Dave Johns
Edith Bowman

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, all rise for Julie and Clary!
00:27Afternoon delight, it's Edith Bowman!
00:30And their captain, John Locke!
00:34And facing them tonight, making a rover's return, it's Sally Lindsey!
00:40Geordie boy, Dave Johns!
00:43And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:47Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:52Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example, research says you have a 1 in 3.5 million chance of being killed by a snake bite?
01:07And that figure rises significantly if you're allergic to cider.
01:15A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself, or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.
01:24The average man uses 38 sheets of toilet paper every day. The average woman uses almost twice that much, which is fair enough.
01:31Women have two bottoms.
01:36Let's get started.
01:45What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:48We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:53It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:56Dave's team, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:59I would imagine World Cup. World Cup.
02:02It's been going on a week, no real surprises, but from Sven's tactics, he's a clone, isn't he?
02:07The man's a clone. I mean, all right, we're through, aren't we? We're through to the last 16, but it makes you think, doesn't it?
02:11We play Sweden next, so he's got probably Rooney in goal.
02:15Ulrika up front. I don't know, I'm just guessing.
02:18But mind, the Germans have been trying to put off having all that slagging stuff off with Beckham's family, yeah?
02:23Yeah, indeed, yeah.
02:25They said that his mother was a 50-year-old fat-armed peasant who drinks sangria.
02:30So she'd be right up Wayne Rooney's street then.
02:35They also, they called the Beckham's children dwarves, which is just stupid.
02:40They're children.
02:42Wait until they grow up, then call them dwarves.
02:46It's just stupid, it's calling children dwarves, it's a bit like calling a baby.
02:50Oi, you bald bastard!
02:53Baldy!
02:55Did you see this, Judy? They slagged off his family.
02:57Whose family?
02:58Well, David Beckham's family, in the German press.
03:01They've slagged off his family, they've said they're not very nice.
03:03Oh, well, no, I miss semen.
03:14I went to the World Cup, actually, I went last weekend.
03:17The England fans are very well behaved.
03:18There was a few Polish fans arrested for doing Sieg heils, because that's illegal in Germany.
03:22You're not allowed to do a Sieg heil.
03:23And you can get two weeks in jail for goose-stepping.
03:25Which isn't a problem for most England fans, because they walk like ducks.
03:31The thing with the Sieg heiling, did you hail a cab while you were out there?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Two arms.
03:38I'll tell you something about England.
03:39Brazil only won 1-0, the favourites, 5-1 favourites.
03:41They took Ronaldo off, did you see that?
03:43Took Ronaldo off because he was too fat.
03:46He's enormous, isn't he?
03:47And the coach said, this is the first step, we've got six more steps now.
03:50And I thought, well, he'll not get up them.
03:53You're going to need a chairlift to get him up them.
03:55Well, let's have a look and see whether the World Cup is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
04:01Oh, yes, of course it is.
04:05Sven-Goran Eriksson has lifted the sex ban for England players, despite Colleen McLaughlin's desperate pleas.
04:11A German newspaper this week attacked David Beckham's family.
04:14The paper called his sister a pig, said his mother had the smile of a peasant,
04:18and that his father was nothing more than a kitchen fitter.
04:20Beckham was furious. He said he also does bathrooms.
04:30Sean Steen, one of them they should be talking about this week.
04:32Big Brother.
04:33Are you a fan?
04:34I do watch it, yes. I'm fascinated.
04:36They've been in five weeks, which is like more than you get for murder these days, isn't it?
04:40Who's your favourite?
04:41Oh, I don't, I sort of love to hate people in it, so Grace at the moment.
04:46Bitch.
04:48I think what she is, is she's no idea how unbearable she is.
04:52She thinks, really, she's quite a nice person.
04:55And, in fact, is a massive bitch.
05:00A massive bitch.
05:04You just wish there was somewhere we could all fall up and get her kicked out, don't you?
05:10If only we could have a say.
05:13Want them to sort of have sex, that's the thing, get them in the house and they want them to have sex.
05:17And then they fuzz it out.
05:20They fuzz it out?
05:21Yeah.
05:22That's foreplay, isn't it?
05:24Is that you doing foreplay?
05:25Yeah, that's basically how I do it.
05:27Hello.
05:29Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
05:30I'm Jimmy Carr.
05:31This week they went in with the golden ticket.
05:32The easiest route.
05:33The Kit Kat thing.
05:34Yeah.
05:35They might shoot the winner through the roof of the Big Brother house in a glass lift, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
05:42And it lands on a spike.
05:49I think what they should do, is switch the cameras off and don't tell them.
05:52Yes.
05:54Yes.
05:58They splatter that for another eight weeks and everyone that gets voted out, they come out and there's not even a minicab driver there.
06:06The problem with that is it's such a good idea, I'd want to see it on telly.
06:11Sally, are you watching Big Brother?
06:12No, I've made an absolute partner to watch it.
06:15Well, I'm the same with Corrie.
06:17I like the celebrity one.
06:18Yeah, no, it is kind of trashy, but that's kind of what I like about it.
06:21Is it?
06:22Would you ever do it like Celebrity Big Brother?
06:23No, I wouldn't fancy that.
06:24I wouldn't want to sleep in a sort of dormitory arrangement with who knows who next to you.
06:30There's no fucking chance of finding me in it.
06:38I'm not going to do it.
06:39I'm not going to do it.
06:40I'm not going to do it.
06:41I'm not going to do it.
06:42I'm not going to do it.
06:43I'm not going to do it.
06:45Hey, you might be innocently eating your Kit Kat and find a ticket,
06:51although whether or not you could manage four fingers is anyone's guess.
06:57I feel I'm violated by a pun.
07:04Well, is it a top five talking point? Let's have a look.
07:09Yes, Big Brother is the third most talked about thing this week.
07:12Yes, Big Brother is the third most talked about thing this week.
07:14When Grace leaves the house, she's most looking forward to having some booze.
07:17That shouldn't be a problem.
07:26What else have the nation been talking about?
07:28Is it the Queen's birthday? God bless her, 80 year old.
07:31Is that what it is?
07:32Yeah, because I saw, I was driving through Windsor and on a roundabout they had a big sheet.
07:35Happy 80s.
07:37Does she have two baskies on as well?
07:39She does, which explains why she looks so fucking old.
07:43I'd love her, I'd love her to get to 80 and just get leathered.
07:46Show her arse or something.
07:48See her kind of holding the bar up, downing Zambuca shots.
07:52All she'll probably do is say, thank you very much, have a cup of tea,
07:55go out the back and strangle a pheasant.
07:58That's what she enjoys.
08:01I love that picture of her just finishing off a pheasant.
08:05Just looking around, makes no one look at her.
08:08Apparently her excuse for it, she said, was to put it out of its misery.
08:11I thought they were quite happy living in the woods.
08:15Philip says he's going out the back choking a pheasant, means something completely different.
08:23Sean, have you got any birthday message for the Queen?
08:25I think she's totally unnecessary.
08:27You know, what do we need a Queen for?
08:32What do we need a Queen for?
08:33Bees have a Queen, for Christ's sake.
08:36We don't need a Queen, we're far more sophisticated than bees.
08:38And anyway, they get to shag their Queen, we don't get to near ours.
08:42Have you sent a birthday message before?
08:46Let's have a look and see if it's one of the biggest stories of the week.
08:52Yes, the Queen is now 80.
08:54To celebrate the Queen's birthday, the Royal Mail has issued a commemorative stamp.
08:57A stamp with the Queen's head on it.
08:59Where do they get their ideas?
09:02Okay, Sean, your team, what else are they actually talking about?
09:04I think the X Factor style contest for the Tory Mayor candidate.
09:08David Cameron is another one of his attention grabbing scams.
09:11All the public can vote for whoever they want to be the Tory candidate to stand up against Ken Livingstone.
09:16He is amusingly saying it's not a publicity stunt as well.
09:18What he's basically saying is, we're so useless, we haven't got anyone to beat Ken.
09:22So, any nutter out there who fancies it, some tramp sitting there combing his hair with his shoe, you can run London if you fancy it.
09:32He was on our show actually, he came on our radio show about a month ago.
09:34And the most interesting thing we found out about him was the fact that if he had to shag one of the girls aloud, it would be Cheryl Tweedy.
09:41Well, that was a probing interview, wasn't it?
09:44Yeah, in fact, you're making him sound bad there, but you asked that question.
09:48Maybe he just offered it up.
09:50Maybe he just offered it up.
09:52Hey, how are you doing? Cheryl Tweedy, I did.
09:56Think about the X Factor, they have auditions, don't they?
09:58So, I like the idea of some toothless granny singing Danny Boy while she's banging a tray over her head.
10:04You could go, yeah, we want her to run London.
10:08Danny Boy, all the pipes.
10:13I'm against Ken Livingstone.
10:16She sounds all right.
10:18Right, okay, well, that's your answer. Let's have a look if it's one of the top five most talked about things this week.
10:22It is.
10:24Okay, one more to get fingers on buzzers. What else have the nation been talking about this week?
10:29They've been talking about, which is on the front page of every paper I've seen, is the soft sentencing by judges.
10:34The naming, the Sun has been naming and shaming judges, and they're showing pictures of judges, which I don't think is going to work, because they've all got 17th century wigs on.
10:42They're not going to get a lot of hassle in the street.
10:45In fact, the only time they're going to get recognised is if you're facing them in court, and you're hardly likely to go,
10:51you're that soft judge who gives out all those really lenient sentences, and I think you're doing a great job.
10:5753 people, is it, since 2000 have been released. They've served like five, four, five, six years.
11:03And they've been sentenced to life imprisonment. It's like the life of what, a hamster?
11:07Are we sentencing people in dog years?
11:11The trouble is, if nothing means what it says, if life doesn't mean life, and six years doesn't mean six years,
11:16you might as well bring back hanging, but it doesn't mean hanging, it just means you have to wear a scarf for a while.
11:28What happens to all the crazy judges?
11:31All the mad judges just go like, 30 years!
11:34I think I'll send them down.
11:36It hasn't even started yet, Your Honour. 10 years, shut up!
11:3950 years, who wants it?
11:42Mad judges, go bow-wow-wow.
11:45Can we have a look and see if judges is one of the most talked about things?
11:53200 judges have been named and shamed for being too lenient.
11:57Top of the list was Louis Walsh for letting Lucy Benjamin win Celebrity X Factor.
12:02At the end of that round, Sean, Julian and Edith have three points, Dave, Sally and Dave have two points.
12:07The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:10We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:14Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information, so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:19Sean, Julian and Edith, 32% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs what?
12:24I think he needs to go to jail, because he's in court every bloody week.
12:28He walks out, off his face usually, he gets into an umbrella and he's like,
12:32he walks out, off his face usually, he gets into an uninsured, you know, untaxed car,
12:39crack pipe, a phone in one hand, drives off using his feet.
12:43What's he like?
12:46Perhaps he needs a new spoon.
12:49The amazing thing is, he does all this crime and he never gets put away.
12:54He's going to see that bloody lenient judge, that's why.
12:57He gets arrested so much, right, every time he buys drugs he gets arrested,
13:00so I think he needs a new dealer.
13:07One that doesn't phone the police as soon as he leaves the house, going, yeah, I've just sold it to him.
13:13Do you like his music?
13:15I used to like his music, I don't like what he's done recently.
13:18If you're watching, fuck you.
13:20Choose Radio 1, good luck selling some records.
13:2632% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs what?
13:29A bath.
13:30Correct.
13:34Yes, 32% of Brits think Pete Doherty needs a good bath, and then that bath needs a good clean.
13:40Dave, Sally and Dave, 90% of doormen say the point of their job is what?
13:45Is it mainly opening and shutting doors?
13:49Or twatting?
13:52Did I say that?
13:53Yeah.
13:54I know.
13:55You big London ways.
13:5810% of doormen say the point of their job is to keep them out of prison.
14:01The other 10% didn't understand the question.
14:09Sally, what do you make a doorman, do you like him?
14:10No, not really.
14:12Well, there's a doorman in our local pub, and I went for lunch one day, with my trainers on,
14:17and I went to get something from my car, and he came back and he wouldn't let me in.
14:20Because he had gone seven, and they wouldn't allow trainers.
14:23And you were a celebrity?
14:24And I was on the telly.
14:27I mean, ordinary people I imagine that happens to.
14:30This has happened to a celebrity.
14:34I will give you that, yeah.
14:3990% of doormen think the point of their job is to provide security.
14:43The other 10% presumably think they're modelling bomber jackets.
14:47So, at the end of that round, it's five points to Sean's team, and four points to Dave's team.
14:54Join me after the break, when we'll be finding out if old people have the right to behave badly.
15:11Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
15:13The next round is Believe It Or Not.
15:14I'll give the panellists a simple statement.
15:16All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:19Dave, Sally and Dave, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
15:21I like being older because I can do what I want whenever I want.
15:27Movies are cheaper.
15:29My husband is all mine. No more competition from the job.
15:34I find in retrospect that I spend a lot of time doing meaningless things for people I didn't really like, for organisations I didn't really believe in.
15:43I can't get pregnant anymore.
15:46Some very old people there. Here is your related statistic.
15:4931% of over-65s believe that their age gives them the right to behave badly. Is that true or false?
15:55That sounds awful, but I think it's true.
15:57I think they go, I've said it, I'm old, I'm going to moan.
16:0131% of over-65s think they're living in 1944 anyway, don't they? They don't know, do they?
16:05And they drive that way as well. That's behaving badly.
16:08Last time they passed the test was in a Ceres and Hermod car at El Alamein.
16:11Last time they passed the test was in a Ceres and Hermod car at El Alamein.
16:15Stickers in the back window, I lost a leg at Dunkirk and all that.
16:20They drive as if they're permanently looking for a parking space.
16:25She was 96 and she did wing walking. You know where they go on a plane, on a stunt plane?
16:31When she landed she had the face of a 16-year-old.
16:34All the wrinkles had been blown back down her back and congregated in her knickers.
16:39I remember driving back from Blackpool once.
16:43You've lived a lie.
16:45Rock on.
16:47And there was an old woman driving the opposite way up the hard shoulder.
16:51And I stopped and I said, are you all right, love?
16:54Is this the way to Blackpool?
16:56And I went, no, you've got to all go that way.
16:59And then the other side, they all go that way.
17:01And she just carried on.
17:03There's that old story or urban myth about an old woman following her husband up, who's coming back on the M65,
17:08and saying, be careful, I've just had a report on the radio,
17:12that there's a mad bastard driving the wrong way up the M65.
17:15He said, one mad bastard, there's fucking hundreds of them.
17:23Oh, it's funny up north, isn't it?
17:25They always go shopping on a Saturday dinner time.
17:28They've got a whole fucking week to go shopping, haven't they?
17:32They've got a whole week.
17:34And you're in a hurry on a Saturday dinner time.
17:36They're in the queue with the coupons.
17:38And do you take Birdseye?
17:40And you say, how much is it, £1.75?
17:42Give me a two quid, fuck off, go on.
17:44What is this, Dave?
17:46I can't understand why you keep using the word they.
17:52Get back.
17:54It's a family show.
17:56OK, 31% of the over 65s believe their age gives them the right to behave badly.
17:59True or false, what do you think?
18:00I think it's true.
18:02We all seem to agree on this.
18:04You think it's true.
18:06Well, I can tell you that the answer is false.
18:08Only 3% of pensioners think that their age gives them the right to behave badly.
18:11And the three in question are Foggy, Compo and Clegg.
18:14OK, Sean, Julian and Edith, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:18OK, there's Dick Shepherd, just about to attempt to go through our special seaside special van.
18:24I think it's well and truly on fire now.
18:26Here he comes up for the approach.
18:28Here he goes, keeping his fingers crossed.
18:30And he's through!
18:33Well, he's worked his way through.
18:35It is still on fire.
18:38And let's see if he's going to get out alright.
18:40We're just all keeping our fingers crossed at this stage.
18:43The fire seems to be, no, the fire's still there underneath the bonnet.
18:47They're just at this very moment trying to get him out.
18:50Yes, there he goes.
18:52They're tipping it up.
18:54Still very much on fire, I'm afraid.
18:56And they're just trying to pull him out right now.
18:58Yes, Dick is, I think, alright in there.
19:00Yes, he's definitely alright.
19:02I can see Dick moving inside there, so everything seems to be alright.
19:05Yes, here he comes.
19:07He's alright, ladies and gentlemen.
19:09There he is, Dick Shepherd.
19:11He's made it.
19:13A nice round of applause.
19:15Well done, Dick.
19:17A nice round of applause for Dick Shepherd.
19:19Dick Shepherd there.
19:21You know people talk about, like,
19:22telly wasn't like it used to be.
19:24You know, that was a Saturday night,
19:26it was a show called Saturday Special,
19:28so the highlight of the show was him driving
19:30into a removal van on fire.
19:32That was it.
19:34That was the finale of the night.
19:36You drive into it and then you crawl out.
19:38Ta-da!
19:40OK, your related statistic,
19:4221% of men admit to having done something
19:45that put their life in danger in order to impress a woman.
19:48True or false?
19:50I think it's false.
19:52Because I think it's higher.
19:54Because I think men think
19:56that switching off the PlayStation's
19:58putting their life in danger.
20:03Julian, has a man ever done anything to impress you?
20:06He did come round to my house driving a Fiat.
20:11Did the trick.
20:13Have you?
20:15What, have I ever done anything to impress a woman?
20:17Watch loose, women.
20:19I think the best way to impress a woman
20:20is to get anything you want.
20:26You still were telling me...
20:28That glove, have it.
20:30It's a dashboard from a Vauxhall Viva there,
20:32take it away, it's yours.
20:3421% of men admit having done something
20:36to put their life in danger
20:38in order to impress a woman.
20:40True or false?
20:42It's true.
20:44I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:4621% of men have done something
20:48to put their life in danger
20:50in order to impress a woman.
20:52But in my house,
20:54I turned into traffic
20:56without checking the blind spot properly.
20:58Man, she was turned on.
21:00So, at the end of that round,
21:02it's 6 points for Sean Steve
21:04and 4 points to Gacy.
21:10And the winner is,
21:12is the name of our final round.
21:14I'm gonna give the teams a series
21:16of opinion polls and surveys.
21:18It's up to them to buzz in
21:20Because I was just thinking of the day, I haven't seen one of them for ages.
21:25What about the dragon?
21:27I only say that because a mate of mine put an advert in Loot for advertising a dragon for a laugh.
21:32Right, and this bloke phoned him.
21:34This dragon, is it like a lizard thing? He went, no, it's a proper dragon and everything.
21:38He said, oh, like one of them iguanas, big iguanas.
21:40No, no, it's a big 20-foot dragon.
21:42Oh, you mean like one of them kimono dragons, one of them big ones, them kimono dragons.
21:46No, it's a proper 20-foot, breathes fire, all that.
21:49He went, oh, I better leave it then.
21:54Is it Smurfs?
21:56I've always worried about the long-term future of the Smurfs, because there's only one female Smurf.
22:03Yeah, but she's a slut.
22:06Is that the right answer?
22:08No, it's not the Smurfs.
22:10I'm going to have to tell you the answer. It's the water voles.
22:12Water voles have difficulty reproducing because they can't get it up while Bill Oddie is watching.
22:17What's your kids' favourite thing about summer?
22:20Is it that their knives glint in the sunshine?
22:29Is it fishing for sticklebacks and then making a fat kid eat it?
22:35Stop crying! Eat them!
22:38Yes, it's a great answer.
22:41No, clearly not. You're mental.
22:44If there's anything better that reminds me of summer than setting light to a balm...
22:50...and then standing back, admiring my handiwork from a safe distance...
22:54...while the farmer ran around frantically with buckets of water.
22:57It's somewhere you don't have to go.
22:59Not having to go to school.
23:01Correct answer.
23:05Kids' favourite thing about the summer holidays is no school.
23:08Surprisingly, only 1% of kids said their favourite thing about summer was eating ice cream.
23:12I guess once you've tasted methadone, Gino Ginelli can fuck off.
23:21That sound tells me it is the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:24Which means the final scores are...
23:26Dave, Sally and Dave have 4 points.
23:28Sean, Julian and Edith have 8 points.
23:30They are the winners.
23:32Thank you to our panellists, to our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
23:36That's it from us. Good night.
23:43The award-winning Jimmy Carr stand-up DVD is available now.
23:46To order your copy, call 0870 1234 344 or click under channel 4.com slash shop.
23:53Next, Big Brother live eviction.