First broadcast 9th June 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Peter Serafinowicz
Jayne Middlemiss
Johnny Vegas
Reginald D Hunter
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Peter Serafinowicz
Jayne Middlemiss
Johnny Vegas
Reginald D Hunter
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, 18 Stone of Loveliness, Johnny Vegas, look around you,
00:28it's Peter Serafinowicz, and their captain, Sean Locke.
00:33And facing them tonight, why I laugh, it's Jane Middleman, from the US of A, Reginald D. Hunter,
00:41and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:49Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, it costs £164,000 to bring up a child in Britain?
01:05That's why I've sponsored one in Africa. It's only a pound a week.
01:0816% of men use their uniform to impress women. Yes, I work in a toll booth.
01:1639% of Geordies exceed the recommended daily allowance for alcohol.
01:20Turns out, it's not an accent, they're just pissed.
01:33What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:36We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation
01:40what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:42It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:46Dave's team, what do you think people have been talking about this week?
01:48The police raided this chemical bomb factory. Oh, yeah.
01:51Yeah, right, in East London. Well, an MI5 informant said there was a device in the house
01:56capable of releasing a cyanide cloud. In the event, it was a Glade Wisp.
02:01And then they went in and shot somebody, didn't they?
02:04And they said it was in a scuffle, and it turns out it wasn't.
02:07Two days later, they admitted that the policeman, his gloves were a bit too thick.
02:11He had these big, thick gloves on, and I think he's gone,
02:14Against the wall, bang! Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry.
02:18And his lawyer, the suspect's lawyer said, when they came in, he said,
02:22there was no freeze, there was no identification, we didn't even know they were police.
02:27Who did they think they were?
02:30They've got chemical suits on, they've got machine guns.
02:32Is it environmental health?
02:35You'll be mixing your house always with your plastics again.
02:42But the thing about the gloves was, I thought, they said, you know, like, gloves,
02:47you can use gloves, like have big, thick gloves as an excuse for being shit at the trumpet,
02:51but not for shooting somebody.
02:54And all they found was aspirin. Aspirin, that's dangerous.
02:57Well, they won't let you buy three packets, will they, at the supermarket?
03:00You try getting three packets through Asda, you can't do it.
03:03Oh, you might go in the car park and kill yourself.
03:05Look at me basket, love, that's low-fat yoghurt. I'm not on the edge.
03:09They said that when they shot him, they said that he was wearing pyjamas.
03:12And you think, terrorists don't wear pyjamas.
03:15I think you'd be thrown out of Al-Qaeda for wearing pyjamas.
03:19The worst intelligence is a worry, though, isn't it?
03:22The statement they've made recently is, well, we can't find them,
03:25but they might still be in there, or they're somewhere else, or they never existed.
03:28Oh, narrowed it down, then. Fine.
03:31I think the worst thing about this whole story was the police said that,
03:34The worst thing about this whole story was the police said that,
03:37in these times, you should get used to this.
03:40What, 300 blogs turning up and shooting you accidentally when you're in your gym jams?
03:46I've always slept naked, and I've built three fucking atom bombs, and no-one's been round.
03:53Well, that's your answer. Is it a top-five talking point? Let's have a look.
04:00Yes, it is. The third most talked-about thing this week
04:03was the increasingly controversial police terror raid that took place last weekend.
04:07I imagine that even the A-team couldn't have made a weapon with the stuff they found in that house.
04:11I got a Henry the Hoover and some silly bags stuffed in gym jams.
04:22Sean's team, what have the nation been talking about this week?
04:25The man on the roof. He was escaped from the police,
04:28and they trapped him in an alleyway or something, and he got onto the roof,
04:32and that was it, stalemate. And he was on the roof for about 12 hours,
04:35and they sent him up some lunch from KFC, and people thought it was outrageous
04:39that police would spend taxpayers' money on KFC.
04:43Do you want to have a look at the picture of this guy?
04:45It's not actually very good publicity for Nike, is it?
04:49They probably airbrushed that brick out and put a javelin in there.
04:54How long do you think they were planning to keep him up there?
04:56Well, he was up there chucking tiles.
04:59Yeah, he was chucking bricks off the roof.
05:00Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was chucking all the tiles off the roof,
05:02so definition, it wasn't going to be that long of a sit-in before they ran out of a roof.
05:08I'm very concerned about the media coverage on this,
05:11because essentially what the story is saying is that if you want to take a black man down off the roof,
05:15just send him up a bucket of chicken.
05:23Right, that's your answer. Let's have a look and see whether it's one of the top five talked-about things this week.
05:29Yes, it is.
05:34Yes, this is the story of a suspected car thief who bombarded police with bricks from a rooftop
05:39and was given a KFC meal by officers.
05:41One onlooker said, and this is a genuine quote from the Sun newspaper,
05:44it's disgraceful, some innocent people are starving while this chap is being served like a king.
05:52Is that the King of Peckham, is it?
05:55OK, Dave, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week?
05:58It's got to be the World Cup. It started today!
06:03There's one thing the Sun has been really harassing, almost bullying people into having England flags.
06:08Like, if you haven't got an England flag, you're some kind of illegal, immigrant, treasonous,
06:12psycho-terrorist nutter, because you're not going...
06:15Or Scottish.
06:16Yeah.
06:17But it's got a bit out of hand, because I was at traffic lights the other day
06:20and this bloke pulled up next to me and had an England flag,
06:22and he said, where's your England flag?
06:24And I said, look, mate, I don't need an England flag, I drive a Rover.
06:28It comes bottom in every what car poll for handling, safety, economy, comfort.
06:33It's shit. I still bought it. Stick your flag up your arse.
06:38That's his patriotism.
06:45I'm going to enjoy the World Cup, I'm going to pay attention to it in a way I never have before.
06:49See, the thing is, America loves it when you win.
06:52But what's great about here, a few weeks ago I was walking past a pub
06:55and there was a bunch of people celebrating.
06:57So I poked in to see what was happening, and the dude told me they were celebrating the West Ham game.
07:01And I said, oh, they won.
07:03He said, no, they lost, but they played well.
07:07And also, two teams can play and draw here, and people still could possibly be happy about that.
07:13In America, that's just two teams that didn't win.
07:17So I'm learning more about the culture, and what you all see is good enough for victory or near enough.
07:22I'm looking forward to that.
07:32Is it one of the top five? Let's see if it's up there.
07:34Yes.
07:36It is, of course, the most talked about thing this week.
07:41The big news is, Wayne Rooney is fifth.
07:43The big news is, Wayne Rooney is fifth.
07:45Well, he's not, he's got a head like a potato.
07:48OK, Sean Locke, what have the nation been talking about?
07:51They've killed, they've got, well, the lamb is, they've got Al-Zarqawi.
07:56And he was an evil ne'er-do-well.
07:59Yeah.
08:00He'd been a definite villain in a Dickens novel.
08:02Where did the evil start?
08:04Did he, like, have a push bite when he was younger and go,
08:07you can't have a go at me mam's set?
08:10He was killed in a safe house. I don't think so.
08:12I thought it was going to be true.
08:14The walls look safe, but on the roof, big finger like that, is it?
08:18Well, let's see if it's there.
08:26Yes, this is the story that Iraq's most wanted terrorist, Abu Musab al-Khazawi,
08:31has been killed in an operation by the US.
08:33Al-Zarqawi launched a terror group with $200,000.
08:36He was given by Bin Laden.
08:38That was a hell of an episode of Dragon's Den.
08:43APPLAUSE
08:48OK, one more thing to get fingers on, Buzzing.
08:51I think it's the Heather Mills-McCartney divorce.
08:55That's been all over the papers.
08:57And it turns out that she's been doing a bit of porn when she was younger.
09:02It's not porn. It's a sex manual.
09:04Did Paul McCartney not know? Did he not know?
09:07Well, he's claiming he didn't know, but surely he would have known that.
09:10You would know, wouldn't you?
09:11You'd know because you'd keep getting phone calls from dominoes saying,
09:14have you seen our pizza delivery boy?
09:16He said, about two weeks ago.
09:19She wasn't doing that, though.
09:21No, she wasn't doing that.
09:22She was only oiled up, you know, with a German.
09:25The Sun described the pictures as shocking and outrageous and disgusting
09:30and printed the pictures.
09:32I just thought that was rather hypocritical of the Sun newspaper.
09:35I might say that's a very good point.
09:38They're not actually...
09:40I tell you what, Peter, they're absolute bounders, those chaps.
09:44Can I add something?
09:46She had her knickers on, didn't she?
09:48I've not seen a picture of her pie. Have you?
09:51Her pie?
09:53Like, nobody's seen that.
09:55How from Newcastle are you?
09:56She's got a pie!
09:57She's got a pie, Johnny's interested suddenly.
10:01She'll break your heart, Johnny.
10:04So, they're sort of like going, porn, porn, porn.
10:06Ah, ah, ah.
10:07And then on page three, they've got a bird with her tits out.
10:10How do they work that out that she's so bad and then they're printing...
10:13Because she's doing sexy news in brief.
10:15Then tomorrow, page three, they'll have a page three girl
10:18who's going, I think it's great they've killed out the kawi.
10:21I think it's going to completely bring stability to the whole Middle East.
10:24Hang on, hang on, hang on.
10:28If, like, round our way, you knew a one-legged woman was coming into 50 million,
10:34you wouldn't be sitting around taking the piss out of her,
10:36you'd be buying flowers and fucking champagne.
10:41I'm not going to make fun of her, I hope she comes a-calling.
10:47Hi, you don't know me, but I've read about you lots.
10:51I come across as some kind of stalker and I like your ex's music.
10:56I've already given money round to mine and will offer, you know,
10:59a dip in my half-sized bathtub.
11:01It'll mean you'll basically have to have a bathsat on me head.
11:06I'll use a straw and keep spitting water over you.
11:11Call me.
11:12Call me.
11:21Well, is it one of the week's big stories?
11:28It's a shame the McCartneys are breaking up because they were so well-suited.
11:31Heather is, in many respects, like a beetle,
11:33in that she's had her leg pulled off and she's kept going.
11:43So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Johnny and Peter have two points,
11:47Dave, Jane and Reg have three points.
11:54The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:56We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
11:59and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:01Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
12:04so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:06Here's your first question.
12:08The average person spends two and a half years of their life
12:11What?
12:12Is it lost? Two and a half years lost?
12:14Watching lost?
12:17The average person spends two and a half years of their life in Argos.
12:22Searching through the catalogue.
12:24Oh, no, that's easy, me thick-o.
12:28I'm standing here while, you know, there's just three lads upstairs
12:31getting drunk, carrying one lime, and we're going...
12:35Two and a half years of their life, and the three?
12:42Is it having sex?
12:44Having sex?
12:45Yeah.
12:47Two and a half years?
12:48Yeah.
12:49Well, if you add it up all the times...
12:50Yeah.
12:51I'm up to about 15 minutes.
12:57Cooking.
12:58Hang on, he didn't say it right, but he did say it.
13:02Cooking, I said.
13:03Cooking.
13:04Sorry?
13:05Cooking.
13:06What, sorry?
13:07Cooking?
13:08Cooking.
13:09Cooking?
13:10Well, I've got cooking, but I'll give it to you, Daniel.
13:1726% of brides-to-be what before the wedding?
13:20Is it flying from Thailand?
13:28What do you think, Peter?
13:30Does it cover their tattoos and make-up?
13:33Or is it make sure they have at least one fat bridesmaid?
13:37Just the one.
13:39That fat bridesmaid does serve a purpose.
13:48It's to do with how you organise the wedding.
13:50Planner.
13:51Wedding.
13:52Correct answer, Dice, bye.
13:53Oh, brilliant.
13:56Yes, 26% of brides-to-be hire a wedding planner before the wedding.
14:00The good news for wedding planners is, thanks to changes in the law,
14:03they now get to get married themselves.
14:06So, at the end of that round, it's 3 points for Sean's team
14:09and 5 points for Dave's team.
14:12Join me after the break, and we'll be finding out
14:14who would win in a war between America and creatures from another planet.
14:30Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
14:32The next round is Believe It Or Not.
14:34In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement.
14:36All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:39Sean, Johnny and Peter, let's have a look at a clip
14:41to illustrate your statistic.
15:04APPLAUSE
15:23That was from the 1957 B-movie The Brain From Planet Arras.
15:28Your related statistic is as follows.
15:3172% of Americans believe that in a war with creatures from another planet,
15:35America would triumph.
15:37True or false?
15:39Independence Day, America won.
15:41Yeah.
15:42War of the Worlds, America won.
15:43Yeah.
15:44Planets of the Apes, America didn't win.
15:46So I think, if those documentaries are anything to go by,
15:49then 2 out of 3 sounds plausible.
15:52You know my problem with Independence Day?
15:53What?
15:54They won with a laptop, yeah?
15:55Yeah.
15:56They managed to hack into the alien computer and bring down the spacecraft.
15:58I can't get my laptop to interface with the printer.
16:02Good luck with finding a SCART league for the bore.
16:07My problem with War of the Worlds was,
16:09there was no way to stop these aliens
16:11and then suddenly they all just get a cold and they die.
16:13That's the only way you beat them though, isn't it?
16:15Like, in the Triffids, they don't use conventional weapons, it's sea water.
16:19And I think the way to obviously beat aliens isn't with, like, normal weapons.
16:23When they come down, they're on a lovely big buffet, right?
16:26It's all dodgy prawns,
16:28mussels they haven't opened properly,
16:30put a bit of chilli in the tiramisu.
16:34I think it's true.
16:35I think it's terrifying, but it's true.
16:38I think that the alarming thing about that...
16:40Sorry, Peter, can I just clarify?
16:41Aliens are not coming, they're not on their way.
16:44It's just a story.
16:45It's like a what-if.
16:47Oh, I see.
16:48Another one of them factoids that points to how dumb Americans are,
16:51which I don't have no problem with.
16:5372% of Americans believe that they're winning a war against an alien race.
16:58What it doesn't say is that 72% of British people believe that a draw would be good enough.
17:10Sean, what do you think, true or false?
17:12What you're saying is, are Americans thick?
17:14Yes, they are. Thick as pig shit.
17:15Rich?
17:16I hate being put in a position to defend America,
17:19so I won't.
17:24Okay, so you're saying that it's true, are you, Sean?
17:26Yeah, I think it's true.
17:28Well, I can tell you that, in fact, it is false.
17:30Oh.
17:31Only 16% of Americans think they would win in a war with creatures from another planet.
17:36Okay, Dave, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:53Do it, do it, Superman, man, man.
18:16Wow.
18:18Hey, that new Superman film looks amazing, doesn't it?
18:24That was the star-loved dancers there.
18:28Here is your related statistic.
18:3055% of women say they've asked a man to dance to try and work out if he'd be good in bed.
18:37True or false?
18:38I think it's false. Two words, Michael Flatley.
18:40He can dance, he'd be shit in bed, wouldn't he?
18:43Why?
18:44He never uses his arms, does he?
18:45So there'd be no foreplay, then he'd kick the shit out of you, wouldn't he?
18:54Do you think it's true? Have you ever pulled anyone who's a good dancer?
18:58No. But I do think, actually, I do think if they're a good dancer, they can move their hips, yeah, I reckon it.
19:03Oh, I'm doing that so horribly right now.
19:07Why do you pull your face off?
19:08You dance more like you've been hung on some railings, right?
19:13Yeah, I do, ladies.
19:15It's Virgil from Thunderbirds at a party, relaxing after they've saved the world.
19:21I sit down, and I'm brilliant, and the second I get up...
19:25People think you're allergic to music, don't they?
19:28You're so bad, he's got a music allergy!
19:31Turn it off!
19:34What are you going to go for?
19:36I think it's true. I think, well, men can't dance, generally speaking, and women are shit judges of men anyway, so...
19:43Well, I can tell you that the answer is true.
19:50Yes, 55% of women have asked a man to dance to try and work out if he's good in bed.
19:54To be fair, dancing is a good indicator. I tend to dance for about ten seconds, and then I have a bit of a cry.
20:02So, at the end of that round, I can tell you it's three points for Sean's team and six points for Dave's team.
20:11And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:13I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls, and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:18Here is your first one. Britain's top con.
20:23Crisps. Crisps, the biggest con ever.
20:27If you compare the actual weight ratio to cost of actual potato, you get in a bag of crisps. It's disgraceful.
20:34In an average bag of crisps, there isn't even a quarter of an effing potato in there.
20:39Yet they managed to charge upwards of 45 to 50 pence for a bag of them.
20:44It's an absolute disgrace. It's a scandal. It's been going on for years. It's got to stop.
20:48I don't mind when they make a bit of an effort. They turn them into shakes, like Monster Munch. Fair enough.
20:53You get away with that. You've done some work. Charge me a bit more.
20:56But you've sliced a potato, you've fried it, you've put it in a bag. It should cost about three pence.
21:05Is it Kinder Surprise? That's a top con, that, isn't it?
21:08It's not a surprise. It's a plastic toy. You know what it's going to be.
21:11It's a mouse's head. That would be a surprise.
21:15No, then it would be called Kinder Shock.
21:21Top con.
21:22Is it those phone lines that when you phone up, they say you've won a holiday?
21:25No, it's the ones you've been got for sex.
21:29You are both right. But you got it first, so you get the point.
21:33Britain's top con is premium rate phone lines.
21:35Most embarrassing thing that can happen to a man on a night out.
21:38Being with your friend in your flat, just kicking it, deciding to just eat a few aspirin,
21:45then 300 police officers kick the door in, and then they shoot your friend,
21:50and then you feel bad because your neighbour up the street is being bad and throwing stuff at people,
21:57but they gave him a piece of chicken.
22:00I had a very embarrassing thing. I was in a restaurant once, and I was on my own,
22:04and there's two women, they kept looking across at me,
22:08and after a while, about four or five times, I went,
22:11Hi, how are you? Like that, and they went,
22:14and they went,
22:16and then I looked around, I realised there was a menu board above my head.
22:23And I was like,
22:25I realised there was a menu board above my head.
22:35Is it having your flies undone?
22:37Yes, correct answer.
22:43Yes, according to this survey, the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a man on a night out
22:47is leaving his flies undone. On the plus side, though, you do get your own seat on the bus.
22:51Don't you, Johnny?
22:56Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:00which means the final scores are, Sean, Johnny and Peter have four points,
23:03but Dave, Jane and Reg are the winners with eight points.
23:09Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
23:13That's it from us. We'll see you next week. Good night.
23:16The award-winning DVD Jimmy Carr Stand-Up is available now.
23:19To order, call 0870 1234 344 or click onto channel4.com slash shop.
23:25Up next, it's time for The Golden Housemate in Big Brother.