8 Out of 10 Cats. S03 E01.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 26th May 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Alan Carr
Ulrika Jonsson
Ruth Badger
David Baddiel
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Jacks, he's coming home, David DeVeo, from The Apprentice, Luth
00:29And their captain, John Locke
00:33And facing them tonight, sweet, sweet, Ulrika Johnson
00:38Naughty but nice, it's Alan Carr
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr
00:52Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics
00:58Did you know, for example, researchers say 65% of men are happy to have sex on a first date
01:03Happy? We're high-fiving strangers on the night bus
01:07The richest man in the world, the Sultan of Brunei, has 257 lavatories in his personal palace
01:14Must be all that foreign food
01:17And the scent of a human footprint is so strong that even humans can follow it
01:22Although, to be fair, they can see it
01:24It's a footprint
01:26Let's get started
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round
01:37We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:39And they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week
01:42It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points
01:46Sean, David, Ruth Badger, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:50I think they've partly been talking about Big Brother, which has just been on, hasn't it?
01:54One thing I think is interesting about this year's Big Brother is that I've got that bloke on who's got Tourette's Syndrome
01:58And it's going to be very interesting to see what happens at that bit where Davina says
02:01You're live on Channel 4, please do not swear
02:05Because he's going to explode, isn't he?
02:08I did watch a little bit of it and they seem, I don't know if I'm wrong, I may be wrong
02:13But they seem incredibly thick
02:16I mean, it's like they could have gone to Argos with a net and just thrown it
02:20There were 12 people holding it
02:24And they actually go through a selection process, don't they?
02:26What is the selection process? It's just someone saying, are you stupid?
02:29No, are you really stupid?
02:31I think it's either, have you got tits or do you like tits?
02:35That woman, she's called Lee, who's spent £35,000 on her breasts
02:39Have you seen them? They're grotesque, it looks like she's done it in loose change
02:44That's another...
02:49Oh, there's another £5 in there
02:53There is this Kit Kat thing going on at the moment, is there? Have you seen that?
02:55Yeah, yeah
02:56If you eat a Kit Kat, there's a golden ticket and you have to go into the Big Brother house
02:59Oh, Gordon Brown keeps checking in for tour now, I wouldn't have a Kit Kat, why have a Kit Kat?
03:04And you get sympathetic to your ex, because I think I cut it off watching Big Brother
03:08What, sympathetic to him?
03:09Sympathetic, you know, you put it on and within a minute you're going, waiters!
03:15Right, shall we have a look and see whether Big Brother is one of the top five most talked about things this week?
03:19Yes, it is
03:21Yes, 57% of you have been talking about the return of Big Brother
03:25One of the housemates, Imogen, is a former Miss Wales
03:27She won it by wearing a sheepskin coat and shitting down her legs
03:36Right, moving on, Dave, Alan, Ulrika, what have The Nation been talking about this week?
03:40Well, they've released that thing that Nottingham is the most dangerous place to live in England
03:45Well, they think it was Nottingham, there was someone being mugged in front of the sign
03:51But it's just ridiculous, because they said, like, Nottingham's the most for gun crime
03:56and if you live in Leicester, you're more likely to get sexually assaulted
03:59Now, I've seen the people of Leicester
04:02and if I got sexually assaulted, I probably would move to Nottingham and hope to get shot
04:10That's Southend, I don't know if anyone's been to Southend, but that's the safest, isn't it?
04:13And I think, that's Essex, I'm thinking that's full of criminals
04:16But obviously these criminals are commuting, aren't they?
04:20So Nottingham, bang bang, then coming back to Southend
04:23and then when the police come along, it's like that scene from Bugsy Malone
04:26where all the tables turn over, hey, what crime?
04:31Alan, I can tell you that's not in our top five
04:32This is the story that a new study has shown Nottingham to be the most crime-ridden place in the country
04:37You know what Nottingham needs? A sheriff
04:41OK, Sean, David and Ruth, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:45Well, there's a big debate about whether the NHS should fund alternative therapies
04:49Crystals and healing massages, or sort of, I don't know what they do, I don't know what that is
04:55Reflexology
04:57Reflexology and stuff like that
04:59If somebody's got the choice of having something that may make you better
05:02or is going to completely cure you, which one would you choose?
05:05Well, I think the thing is, if it's alternative therapy and they do it for you
05:08you should be allowed to pay them with alternative money
05:14All I know is if I'm in an accident, I want to hear a siren, not wind chimes
05:22I want to go to a hospital, not a bleeding wigwam
05:26I mean, a lot of it is rubbish, look at that aromatherapy
05:29When you smell something, it makes you feel better
05:31Now, my brother does that, but he does it with glue
05:39Reflexology is a load of rubbish
05:41No, it's great! I got pregnant through reflexology
05:44Oh, that wasn't reflexology
05:46I feel like I should be struck home
05:50When I was growing up, you know, it was all alternative therapy in our house, basically
05:54I'm of that age, though, you know
05:56You go to your mum and say, I don't feel very well
05:58She said, I know what you want, you want putting in a bag and shaking up
06:02It was, wasn't it? Laughter was the best medicine my dad always used to say to me
06:06Which is why I went over six and nearly died with diphtheria
06:10I can't breathe, knock knock
06:14Who's there? Don't look, don't look, boo
06:16Can I have someone to help you?
06:18Say, people are also having a car too
06:24Right, well, let's have a look and see whether alternative medicine is in one of the top five talking points this week
06:31Yes, it is
06:33OK, Dave's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
06:36Beckham's party, probably
06:39He was going to have a flypast, this was the interesting thing, wasn't it?
06:41He was going to have like a spitfire and a hurricane and a Lancaster bomber fly over the party
06:46And then they withdrew that, sort of a bit insensitive before the World Cup and all that business
06:50But I'm thinking, that's a missed opportunity, that, isn't it?
06:52Put a tentative David Blaine in it, Gordon Ramsay, P. Diddy
06:56The Osborns
06:58A bomber going over, just one bomb, one phone call, that's all it is
07:03She was excited, though, about the planes coming over because she was hoping one would have a food parcel on it
07:11They had this auction, didn't they? Dubai apartments, diamond encrusted watches, all that
07:15But no meat raffle
07:20Wayne Rooney bid 150,000 pounds, didn't he?
07:23For a weekend with P. Diddy
07:25In P. Diddy's apartment
07:26He's here
07:27Is he?
07:29He could just go and have a chat with him at the buffet
07:32I thought Puff Daddy must have, when he actually saw Wayne Rooney, he thought
07:35God, imagine him crashing around my house for two minutes
07:38Knocking vases over
07:40I'm going to have Shrek in my house
07:44Bashing open doors, not lifting a lid
07:48Where's the beans?
07:49Open all his cupboards
07:52Rumour is that Wayne Rooney's injury is progressing incredibly well
07:55But people forget, you know, he's like 90% monkey
08:00I'll tell you what I found interesting
08:02Posh and Bex have thrown this party for the World Cup
08:04And there you've got our hopeful dancing
08:07And everybody's going, no, because he's the hope to go and win the World Cup
08:10And it was the okie-cokie as well
08:13He kept it in for the left-legged bit
08:18The thing is, you say that, but apparently he's been in this oxygen tent
08:21But he doesn't like it because it leaves him feeling very clear-headed and lucid
08:26Thing is, all tents are full of oxygen, aren't they?
08:29All tents, yeah
08:31I don't go in a hermetically sealed vacuum
08:35I leave the flaps open, add a bit of air in
08:38That's all it was, he just went on a camping holiday
08:41Well, let's have a look and see whether the Beckhams World Cup party
08:44Is one of the most talked about things this week
08:46Yes, it was
08:49Yes, 47% of you have been talking about the Beckhams star-studded World Cup party
08:53Wayne Rooney was seen dancing despite breaking his fourth metatarsal
08:56If you're watching, Wayne, the fourth metatarsal is the one next to the toe
09:00That didn't have any roast beef
09:06OK, two more to go, fingers on buzzers
09:09It's got to be the home office thing, hasn't it?
09:11I mean, there's been so many things going wrong, haven't there?
09:14And the Home Secretary's never like...
09:16They're not admitting it's their problem
09:18They keep blaming the Home Secretary before them
09:20Going, well, that's what happens when you let David Blunkett do the filing
09:29There's a talk about an immigration minister said
09:31He didn't know how many illegal immigrants are in the country
09:34Yes, he said, I haven't got a clue
09:35Well, obviously, because they're illegal
09:39How are you going to find out?
09:40You're going to just go into a room and go
09:41Would all the illegal immigrants stand over there?
09:45Right, there's none in here, Sarge
09:48OK, let's have a look and see if the series of Home Office blunders
09:51Are one of the top five talking points this week
09:55Yes, indeed
09:57Yes, the number one talking point this week
09:59Has been a series of Home Office blunders
10:01The new Home Secretary, John Reid, has launched a five-week knife amnesty
10:05My advice is, don't hand it in like this
10:10OK, one more to guess, fingers on buzzers
10:13We sort of think it might be the Eurovision Song Contest
10:15Because it's not really political, no, it just means nothing, does it?
10:18They just vote for each other, don't they?
10:20Did you see the band that won?
10:21I've got a still of Lordi
10:24See, underneath their masks, it's the Norlands
10:29I wasn't even watching Eurovision
10:31I was channel-opping and I clicked on it
10:34And I thought, Leah's family from Big Brother had got a karaoke machine
10:39I think what Dave said about the political thing
10:42Terry Wogan was going on about that
10:43He was saying the Balkan states all vote for each other
10:45And it's all political now
10:46But I don't understand that
10:48Are you really saying, right, that if Serbia are about to invade Croatia again
10:52And their armies are massed on the borders
10:54Someone's going to go, no, hold on a minute
10:56They gave Boo Banga Bing Bong 12 points
11:00Lay down your arms
11:01Oh, we gave Turkey 2 points
11:03But they gave us bird flu
11:05So, do you know what I mean?
11:08Those guys, they haven't said that they wear masks
11:12Because a lot of people have worn masks and got very successful
11:14Like Kiss and Slipknot and Mick Hucknall
11:18He had a fat suit as well
11:21But I thought maybe they didn't wear masks, they're finished
11:23Maybe they left the sauna on full
11:26Let's have a look and see whether the Eurovision Song Contest was up there
11:30Yes, it was
11:32The Eurovision Song Contest reaches a potential audience of 1 billion people
11:36But an actual audience of 28 gay guys
11:40All dressed as different countries, this is fabulous
11:46Well, at the end of that round I can tell you that Sean, David and Ruth have 2 points
11:49Dave, Ulrika and Alan have 3 points
11:55The next round is called the poll with a hole
11:57We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
11:59And unearthed some fascinating facts
12:01Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information
12:04So it's up to the panellists to fill in the gaps
12:06Here's your first question
12:0772% of women base everyday decisions on what?
12:10Alcohol
12:13Always, it works for me
12:15You've made some great decisions
12:19Yes
12:2372% of women base everyday decisions on whatever pops in their pretty little heads
12:30Come on Ruth, how do you base your decisions?
12:32I'd say the mood of the day
12:33Wish you were in a mood when you came up with that murder mystery thing
12:36Cos that was shit
12:40It's something that ladies do while they sleep
12:42Dreams
12:43Yes, 72% of women base everyday decisions on their dreams
12:49OK, here's your next one
12:5090% of Brits say the high street is overrun by what?
12:53Is it those people, like you're walking along, you feel really good
12:56Excuse me, have you had an accident?
12:58And you're like, no, I always look like this
13:02Is it all people?
13:04Market day in Charlottes is like Cocoon
13:08Why do they give them a heating allowance they're never in?
13:14Is it dog shit and Caffe Nero?
13:16Starbucks
13:17It's retail related
13:19Is it boots?
13:21I love boots
13:22I always say that, boots!
13:24I say boot, well I say you write it that big, I'll say it that big
13:28Is this boots?
13:30I say look, you have to say the customers, you know what I mean?
13:32Make it smaller, I'll say it smaller, come on
13:34Chain stores
13:35Correct
13:39OK, 75% of duck hunters say duck hunting is what?
13:42Something they have to say very carefully
13:48It's dogging with a gun
13:50What do you think about it?
13:51You're foraging around in the bush and then the police are there
13:53What do you say? I was hunting ducks
13:56It's very easy to hunt ducks in this country
13:58because if you think, most of them are fed on bread, aren't they?
14:01So they're all heavily constipated
14:03There's a duck in my local park, honestly, he's like a space hopper
14:07He's just a bit of grease, like that, and he's just more, he's like
14:10We can't get over to Duck Island, do you know where they live?
14:13In the middle of the pond, they live on Duck Island
14:15Is that what he's called?
14:16He lives on Duck Island
14:17All the ducks
14:18It's a fairy tale
14:19No, every park has got a pond, doesn't it?
14:21And there's an island in the middle of it where all the ducks live
14:23and the humans aren't allowed there
14:25We handed it over to the ducks in about 1826
14:28and the ducks have all their own laws, they can hang ducks there and everything
14:32Have you ever had a real good look in the Duck Island?
14:36It's disgusting what goes on there
14:39They're like animals
14:40Yeah
14:41A lot of ducks are heavily constipated
14:43That's not exactly what I have on the card
14:45Oh, really?
14:46It's about how the ducks might feel
14:48Oh, is painless? Is not cruel?
14:51I'm going to give you that, that is near enough
14:5775% of duck hunters say duck hunting is not stressful for ducks
15:01I don't know how duck hunters sleep at night
15:03Oh, hang on, I do
15:04On lovely downy pillows
15:06So, at the end of that round, I can tell you it's 5 points for Sean's team and 5 points for Dave's team
15:12Join me after the break and we'll find out who laughs more, men or women
15:21The next round is called Believe It or Not
15:23In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement
15:25and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false
15:28Sean, David and Ruth, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic
15:31You can also do a laughing yoga, laughing exercise for the heart and mind
15:37What you can do, just laugh, very easy, don't feel shy
15:41Laughing Yoga, Laughing exercise for the heart and mind
15:44What you can do, just laugh, very easy, don't feel shy
16:04I am happy, I am relaxed
16:05I am happy, I am relaxed
16:09Boo-hoo-boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
16:12That was Guru Yogi Ramesh and his own unique brand of yoga.
16:16Here's your related statistic.
16:17The average woman laughs a hundred times a day.
16:20The average man laughs only fifty times a day.
16:22What do you think? Is that true or false?
16:23I think the average woman is laughing maybe twice as much since the latest divorce settlement laws, yes.
16:29I think that could be quite true.
16:30Let's hope so, because I'm going through a divorce.
16:32You're going through a divorce?
16:33I am.
16:33Has he got lots of money?
16:35No.
16:35Are you laughing more since you got divorced or less?
16:38I'm laughing twice as much.
16:40Who's got the money? Him or you?
16:42Hang on.
16:43No, I'm going through one too.
16:44Calm down.
16:44Are you having one as well?
16:46I'm nearly through.
16:48Which one's that with?
16:50I don't know.
16:52Oh, you two just go.
16:56Those are really catty, loose women.
17:00Bruce, I'm going to tell you a real thing that they missed out on this poll program.
17:04It was a real poll. It was in the UK Jewish News, right?
17:08And I was voted the sixth most sexy Jew in the world, right?
17:13Number five was Alan fucking Sugar.
17:18The man who looks like a crumpled tea bag.
17:20Okay, Ruth, if you had to choose between Alan Sugar and David Baddiel, who would you go with?
17:25Alan Sugar.
17:25You're fucking fired.
17:32The average woman laughs 100 times a day.
17:34How do you measure a laugh? 100 times a day is a lot, isn't it?
17:37It could be one laugh.
17:38What is one laugh? Is that...
17:40Or if I go...
17:48Does that count as one or seven?
17:50You can do quite a deep laugh, can't you, Alan?
17:54That's what he uses in dark clubs.
17:56Oh my God, it's you!
18:04What do you think? True or false?
18:05I'd say that's true.
18:06I think it's not true. Ruth thinks it's true, so Sean, you've got the casting vote.
18:09False. It's false.
18:10Absolute... It's not just false, it's poppycock.
18:13It's absolute Tommy Rot.
18:15You're absolutely right, it is false.
18:21Yes, it is false. Women laugh 55 times a day.
18:24Men have a baser sense of humour, so they laugh more.
18:27On average, 69 times a day.
18:2969.
18:32David, Ulrika and Alan, let's have a look at the clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:36MUSIC
18:44Polish a floor and put a rug on it.
18:47You might as well set a man trap.
18:51Why don't you put the kettle on?
18:56And to think he'd only just come from the hospital.
19:01A public information film there highlighting the dangers of cleaning your house.
19:06Here's your related statistic.
19:07Every year, more people injure themselves with vegetables than with chainsaws.
19:12If you put one of these parties that have vegetable-based party games,
19:16Halloween, mate of mine, third-degree burns to his face bobbing for chips.
19:23If he was a little wire basket, Ben, he'd been down as far as the basket.
19:26Come on, Billy!
19:29Who are you? Who are you?
19:32Can't sell too many blisters, mate. No idea.
19:35I mean, chainsaws, they are quite...
19:37You can imagine people injuring themselves, they're quite menacing.
19:40Like, you wouldn't get Eminem coming on stage, would you, with a marrow?
19:44I hate me wife, the bits.
19:47Mofo, you know.
19:50Looks like he's really here.
19:52Yes.
19:53Now, what do you reckon?
19:55If you're stupid enough to injure yourself with a vegetable,
19:57chances are they're not going to trust you with a chainsaw, anyway.
20:01This is definitely true. This is definitely true.
20:04I've put a whole pound on it, whole jets on it.
20:07I'd say it's true. You'd say it's true?
20:09You're not asking them, you're asking us.
20:11I know, I'm just checking in with Badger.
20:14They've got to be true. It's got to be true.
20:16Well, I can tell you that the answer is true. Yes.
20:22Yes, every year, 14,000 Brits injure themselves with vegetables
20:26compared to just 1,200 who injure themselves with chainsaws.
20:29So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that it's six points for Sean's team
20:31and six points for Dave's team.
20:34And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:38I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
20:40and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:43Here is your first one. Top thing men look for in a pub.
20:46I think the top thing I look for in a pub is a door.
20:51I always want to first hear, how do I get in?
20:55And then, I would like a fine selection of organic wines
20:58and world music on the jukebox.
21:01Stop it, you.
21:04Ruth, what do you look for in a pub?
21:06Normally, the bar.
21:09It is drink-related.
21:11A good selection of lagers, beers.
21:13Oh, doubles. Doubles off there.
21:15Happy hour, happy hour.
21:17Happy hour is the right answer.
21:19Yes, come on.
21:21Yes, the top thing men look for in a pub is happy hour.
21:24Most unlucky thing that can happen to you.
21:27Is it leaving war-torn Bathra, having sex with a minging immigration officer
21:33in Nottingham.
21:41That is significantly worse than what I've got down here,
21:44but you've got to remember this is a survey by Direct Line.
21:46The unluckiest thing I've ever heard happen to anybody.
21:48Do you ever hear this story about, this is a true story,
21:50Fabio, the male model, have you ever heard of Fabio?
21:52He was this male model, lived in Hollywood,
21:54and he was on loads of posters in the 80s, thick hair.
21:56This is a true story, he was on a roller coaster
21:58at Disney World, and he was hit in the face with a goose.
22:03A goose, he's going on this roller coaster,
22:05he's one of the best looking men in the world,
22:07and a goose hits him in the face, and ruined his career.
22:09Smashed all his face to smithereens.
22:11Unlucky for him, what about the goose?
22:13The goose got in the papers. Most geese don't get in the papers.
22:15On a similar note, a completely true story,
22:17Aristotle, the great thinker,
22:19he died, Aristotle,
22:21when a hawk or an eagle was carrying a tortoise
22:23that he had taken from the ground for food.
22:25It dropped the tortoise, it fell 10,000 feet,
22:27and hit Aristotle on the head.
22:29Which means that one of the most cleverest men in the world
22:32in that flash of insight,
22:34just before he died,
22:36thought, I've just been hit on the head by a fucking tortoise.
22:38That's his last thought, a great man.
22:40Yeah.
22:42Probably thought, tortoises are heavy.
22:44Let's write that down.
22:48It's to do with kind of homes and, you know,
22:50something that might happen in your home.
22:52Is it your house being flooded?
22:54It's to do with flooding, but something else as well.
22:56You've just decorated, you've just painted.
22:58That's the right answer, yeah.
23:00Yes, according to this survey from Direct Line,
23:02the most unlucky thing that can happen to you
23:04is your house flooding after you've decorated it,
23:06unless you've decorated it
23:08in the style of a fantasy mermaid kingdom,
23:10in which case it's the icing on the cake.
23:14Well, that noise tells me it's the end of the round
23:16and the end of the game,
23:18which means the final scores are
23:20Sean, David and Ruth have six points,
23:22but Dave, Ulrika and Alan have nine points.
23:24They're the winners.
23:26Thanks to our panellists,
23:28our wonderful studio audience,
23:30and to all of you for watching at home.
23:32That's it from us. Good night. See you next week.