• 5 months ago
First broadcast 2nd June 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

David Walliams
Debra Stephenson
Frankie Boyle
Mark Berry (as Bez)

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, from Little Britain, it's David Walliams!
00:27Off of Corey, Deborah Stevenson!
00:30And their captain, Sean Locke!
00:33And facing them tonight, twisting my melon, it's Ben!
00:38Scottish hard man, Frankie Boyle!
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:50Hello! And welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, 8% of men have paid for sex. Most recently, Paul McCartney.
01:06Rome has more homeless dogs per square mile than any other city in the world.
01:11What they need is a Korean pope.
01:15And approximately 75% of human poo is water. Still, if I'm thirsty, I tend to have a Diet Coke.
01:22Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:34We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:39It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:43Deborah, Sean, David. Hi!
01:46What have the nation been talking about this week?
01:48John Prescott. John Prescott, yes.
01:50Because he was seen playing croquet on his lawn.
01:58But why croquet? This can't be a sport. I'd have thought it'd be darts or spitting.
02:03How did he suddenly get a taste for that?
02:06To be fair to you, he was using a sledgehammer.
02:09And the balls just shattered into dust.
02:13Also, he shagged a fat lady.
02:17That's never good, so that doesn't help.
02:19He was also down in the public same day, spending £425 of taxpayers' money on getting around him for everyone.
02:26So I've read today in the paper, the Daily Mail.
02:29You don't describe me as a Daily Mail reader, Ben.
02:32I like the cross-gossip.
02:34You must think, what have I done wrong? He's had sex with the secretary and he's played croquet.
02:38The American vice president shot someone in the face.
02:43What is croquet? Is it just like polo for people who are too fat to get on a horse?
02:50It'd be the strangest reason to have to resign ever.
02:53He played croquet. Get him out.
02:56How do you run the country? How do you do it?
02:58Do you have to have night vision goggles and a laser beam?
03:02You'd expect him to be in an office somewhere doing something, taking a call or something.
03:08Is everything OK? All right, bye.
03:13Is Prescott really totally in charge when Blair goes away?
03:16He's totally in charge.
03:18Have you ever seen that picture in Heat where Tony Blair was torso of the week?
03:21It's a slow week for Heat, isn't it?
03:23Have you ever seen that?
03:24Funny enough, Dave, no, I don't take Heat.
03:27Deborah? No, I didn't see it.
03:29It's like you don't read Heat.
03:31Are you making a judgement about me? Yes.
03:35Go on, what, where he was torso?
03:37Where he was torso, they have it in Heat.
03:39Don't let people pretending they don't read Heat!
03:41Everyone reads Heat!
03:43I don't. I don't read Heat.
03:45You do!
03:48No, basically, they have a torso of the week. They have a sort of handsome man.
03:51And one week, just before the election, it was Tony Blair.
03:53He was on holiday. He was on the phone and showing he had quite a fit body.
03:56But he looked really good. He looked very buff.
03:58So I voted for him.
03:59Are you coming out now? Is this the moment?
04:03No, I'm just saying Tony Blair's got a really hot bod.
04:06That's all I'm saying.
04:09Right, let's have a look and see if Prescott is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
04:14Yes, it is.
04:17Yes, this week there were renewed calls for Prescott to quit.
04:20When I say renewed calls, it was actually people shouting,
04:22Fuck off, fatty!
04:26Dave, Frankie, Fez from the Happy Mondays.
04:28What have the nation been talking about this week?
04:30The Home Office is on its arse.
04:32That's what they've been talking about.
04:33Another week, another fiasco.
04:34500 police, was it? Raided Ford Open Prison.
04:37What was they looking for?
04:38I think there's some criminals in here. I don't know.
04:41Break the door down, Bill. Break the door down.
04:43It's open. It's open. It's alright.
04:46I don't think people realise how open some of these prisons are.
04:48Because I'm currently doing four years for fraud.
04:52It's that easy.
04:53Any thoughts on the Home Office, Fez?
04:55Well, where would we be without them?
04:57We won't have any passports.
05:00We won't be able to go on holidays, you know what I mean?
05:05I imagine you at customs, when they see you coming,
05:07they must throw a party.
05:10Do you ever get laid through, Fez?
05:11All the time.
05:12Mostly so I can look at my innocent face and say,
05:14That man is OK, let him through.
05:16I think they look at your face and think he's taken all the drugs
05:19before we got here.
05:21Well, there's always that.
05:23Why is he dancing?
05:27Right, so your guess is the Home Office.
05:28Let's have a look and see whether it's one of the top five
05:30talked about things this week.
05:32Yes, it is.
05:35Yes, there have been more Home Office scandals this week.
05:38500 mentally ill foreign criminals are still on the loose.
05:41They're being hunted for by the Home Office, the police
05:43and the producers of Big Brother.
05:46Sean, what do you think?
05:47What else have the measures been talking about?
05:49Have they been talking about Big Brother?
05:51Because there's two new housemates,
05:53and one of them, called Sam, is a transvestite.
05:57I find that distasteful.
06:03A man dressed as a woman on television is disgusting.
06:09Is he the one that's got an 11-inch penis?
06:12No, that's Pete's that's got a big penis.
06:15My three-year-old boy is convinced that I have a willy.
06:17Because every time I go into a public loo,
06:19and he'll go and then I'll go,
06:21and then he just seems to want to shout out in a really loud voice,
06:24Mummy, you've got a willy!
06:26It's just so embarrassing,
06:28because I know people in there are probably going,
06:30Oh, he's that one from Coronation Street.
06:32And other people are going, What, Hayley?
06:36I don't watch Big Brother, but I can see why people do watch it,
06:39because it's like having pets that you don't have to feed.
06:43You've got all these pets, you watch them,
06:45but you don't ever have to really do much to them.
06:47You just turn them on, they're there, running around.
06:49You know when you were a kid, when I was a kid,
06:50I had a bucket of snails.
06:52Did you have a bucket of snails?
06:53That's a very different life to me.
06:55You had a bucket of snails, and you've never read Heat magazine.
07:00I used to lift the lid off, and then all the snails would be there.
07:03And I sometimes used to take one of them out for a ride,
07:05just put them on the crossbar and just go out for a ride.
07:08That must have freaked your snail out on your crossbar,
07:10he or I'd be like, Fucking hell!
07:15Good job I've got a crashing wheel.
07:20I used to play with snails in my Wendy house.
07:22We've got something in common.
07:24You've also both got cocks.
07:33A weird thing happened one day, because one day I was watching them,
07:35and they all turned.
07:37Suddenly there was this moment, they were all staring at me
07:38with their glistening little prongs.
07:40All of them, 36 of them, staring at me.
07:42And I sort of shiver, I went, Urgh.
07:44And then one of them moved, another one moved,
07:46and I realised it was just a coincidence.
07:49Right, so you've guessed Big Brother.
07:51Is it a top five talking point?
07:54Yes, it is.
07:56Yes, 42% of you were talking about Big Brother.
07:59The housemate with Tourette's, Pete, says he wants to have a sex change.
08:02That'll be a tough conversation with the doctor.
08:04I'd like you to remove my...
08:08Dave, your team, what have the nation been talking about?
08:10Is it the World Cup?
08:12It's good the way that Sven-Goran Eriksson's been experimenting,
08:15and one of his experiments, he's created this thing called Peter Crouch,
08:20which is a sort of cross between a man and a ladder.
08:25I don't know why he has to do a robotic dance to look freaky,
08:28he already looks like a cross between a terminally ill schoolboy and a flamingo.
08:34He says he's going to do that every time he scores in the World Cup.
08:37So that's it then, innit? We're not seeing that again.
08:40Everyone's obsessed with Rooney's Foot, aren't they?
08:42You two interested in Rooney's Foot?
08:44Yes, he's hurt his foot, I know.
08:46But if he's that good, can't he just play with his other foot?
08:52How many times are they going to x-ray Rooney?
08:54Because it'd be a tragedy if he, like, came on in the final and died of cancer.
09:01Theo Walcott made his debut, didn't he?
09:02The youngest ever player in England since, well, Gary Glitter disbanded the Fiverside team.
09:11He's really, really young, isn't he?
09:13You swore at the referee, sent him to the naughty step.
09:17Ben, you've got a World Cup single out.
09:19I have on the 19th. Totally unofficial, of course.
09:23Really?
09:24What, are you only going to be able to buy in car parks?
09:27Do you get a free eighth with it, do you?
09:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:32How does it go?
09:33It goes...
09:34Don't go to yard house.
09:36No, it don't, it goes...
09:37It goes...
09:44So the World Cup is your answer. Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
09:48Yes, it is.
09:50Yes, the number one story is the build-up to the World Cup.
09:53There was an injury scare for young Theo Walcott.
09:55They suspect his voice may have broken.
09:59Right, there's one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
10:00What else have the nation been talking about?
10:03Is it the unmarried couples?
10:04Have you been talking about that?
10:05The fact that unmarried couples have been given the rights of married couples,
10:08so that if they split up, they can have all the money, or split the money.
10:12You're not having 50% of what I've got.
10:15We've discussed this.
10:18Isn't the thing about this story that a lot of men are worried
10:21because they might lose half their stuff,
10:23but actually I'm in quite a strong position because my stuff is shit,
10:28and I would gladly trade it for two years of sex.
10:32I mean, Oxfam wouldn't take my CD collection.
10:34If someone is going to hump me for two years,
10:36they can have the fucking record player.
10:40What a lovely sentiment.
10:43It's like a songbird's call, that, isn't it?
10:45You can hump me for my CDs.
10:52So, equal rights for cohabiting couples.
10:54Let's see if it's one of the top five talked about things this week.
10:56Yes, it is.
10:57At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, David and Debra have three points,
11:00Dave, Bez and Frankie have two points.
11:06The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:08We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
11:10from around the world, and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:13Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
11:16so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:18Here's your first question.
11:19What is the average age of a woman in the UK?
11:23So, it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:25Here's your first question.
11:26One in three people who visits Alton Towers has what?
11:29Has been sick in the hood of their cagoule.
11:36Do the mime again.
11:40It comes out quickly, it goes straight back.
11:43I reckon people practise their faces before they go, they're like...
11:49Apparently, all they...
11:50Do that again.
11:52No, do that one.
12:01I think Bez has got the answer.
12:02Are you ready?
12:03One in three people who visit Alton Towers has...
12:05A packed lunch.
12:14Get the gear through security.
12:19Always thinking, are we, Bez?
12:21I'll give you a clue, they shouldn't be there.
12:23Or haven't paid to get in.
12:24Taking a day off sick.
12:25Correct answer.
12:29Yes, one in three people who visit Alton Towers has phoned in sick to get the day off work.
12:33Yeah, I'm not coming in today, I'm not feeling very well.
12:37OK, here's your next question.
12:38Two percent of men admit they wouldn't what again?
12:47Is it email a Nigerian diplomat, your bank details?
12:51He's got £25 million in nowhere to put it.
12:54What do you think, Bez?
12:55I won't sell you, cos I do most things again.
13:00It's something that you tend to do around the ages of 17 or 18?
13:03Oh, get breast implants for a bet.
13:08I think you'll find that's £25 you owe me.
13:12They wouldn't take their driving test again, cos they've already taken it and they've got a licence.
13:17That is the correct answer.
13:21Yes, two percent of men admit they wouldn't pass their driving test if they took it again.
13:25I'd easily pass, I'm a brilliant driver.
13:27Last year I got 25 points.
13:32OK, 82% of people what while swimming?
13:35Get quite wet.
13:39What are you doing, swimming-wise, at the moment?
13:41I'm training to swim the Channel.
13:43Why would you do that?
13:45For a good cause, Jimmy, which is sport relief.
13:47It's an incredible feat, cos that's like doing three marathons or something, isn't it? One go.
13:51It probably makes you feel like a lesser man.
13:55I certainly don't feel as butch as you.
13:58It's quite an incredible undertaking. How much are you planning to raise?
14:01However much, you know, people...
14:02Well, there's 80p guaranteed from me.
14:04Thank you very much.
14:05And how do people contact you?
14:06They go to the sport relief website.
14:08Are you worried, if you do backstroke, are you worried about hitting your head on France?
14:13Oh dear, oh dear.
14:15I've already done it.
14:17I swam the Channel.
14:18I'm not paying those ferry prices.
14:21I didn't have a, you know, a boat or a support or back-up or any photos.
14:25No-one believes me.
14:28What's the point anyway? You can't carry the booze back, can you, while you're swimming?
14:31No, no, I was pushing a suitcase in front of me all the way.
14:36You're going to be gutted when you see the Daily Mail this weekend.
14:38They've got France for a pound.
14:43I think it's a brilliant thing to do. What do you think? A brilliant thing?
14:45It's quite a brilliant thing.
14:47Good luck.
14:4882% of people walk while swimming.
14:51Can you give us a clue, James?
14:52I'll give you a big clue.
14:53People think you're doing it when you're on your mobile phone.
14:56Talk to yourself.
14:57Talk to yourself is exactly right.
15:01Yes, 82% of people talk to themselves while swimming.
15:04Mainly, they're saying,
15:05Oh, that's better.
15:10So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that it's 4 points for Sean's team and 4 points for Dave's team.
15:15Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out what special powers the nation would most like to have.
15:33Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Counts.
15:34The next round is called Believe It Or Not.
15:36In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement,
15:38and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:41Dave, Bez and Frankie, you're to go first.
15:43Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your fact.
15:46This is the latest project from US rapper R. Kelly.
16:14She moves.
16:15And then,
16:16He looks at the cabinet.
16:18He walks to the cabinet.
16:20He goes to the cabinet.
16:22Now he goes in the cabinet.
16:24Now pause the movie, cause what I'm about to say to y'all
16:28is so damn twisted.
16:30Not only is there a man in his cabinet,
16:32but the man is a midget.
16:43That was R. Kelly there, and his hip-hop opera trapped in the closet.
16:46That is unbelievably entirely serious.
16:48Midget, midget, midget.
16:52I'm not joking.
16:54What was going on with the pie?
16:55Well, the pie, there's a slice missing from the pie.
16:58She's allergic to cherry.
17:00Something's not right.
17:02Better check in the closet.
17:04Closet, closet.
17:06The thing is, if you come home,
17:08and you think that your wife's having an affair,
17:10is the first place that you look under the sink?
17:13Well, here is your question.
17:1567% of married men confess to having a dark secret
17:19they will never tell their wives.
17:21True or false?
17:22What, a dark secret they will never tell their wives,
17:24but will tell someone taking a survey in a supermarket?
17:29Or is it like, say, for instance, I used to work in a hospital,
17:31and my wife used to be in charge of the special care baby unit,
17:34and she was on nights, and I went to a doctor's party
17:36to call in afterwards when I had a few drinks.
17:38And for a laugh, swapped all the identity bands on the baby's over.
17:46Oh, but then went back, but then actually forgot
17:48to make a note of which ones I'd swapped,
17:50and as long as you get a good one, it doesn't matter, does it?
17:53David's going to be here next week, because he's going to jail.
17:5767% of married men confess to having a dark secret
18:00they will never tell their wives.
18:02True or false?
18:03Do you have a dark secret, Deborah?
18:04There's no secrets.
18:05You're a beautiful cock.
18:08Sometimes, you know, women get back to their homes
18:11and shockingly find that their husbands have dressed up in their clothes.
18:16If a man was to come back to the house
18:19and find the woman dressed in men's clothes,
18:21it wouldn't really be that much of a shock, would it?
18:23Maybe your son saw your husband dressed in your clothes.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:35We've solved the mystery.
18:37What do you think, is that true or false?
18:39Yeah, I reckon that's probably true.
18:41Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
18:43In fact, just 11% of men admit having a dark secret
18:46they would never share with their wives.
18:48John Prescott had a dark secret he wouldn't share with his wife.
18:51And a chocolate orange.
18:53Sean, David and Deborah, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:57Now meet Catherine Bent of Devon, Cornwall,
19:00whose physical reaction to water is so strong
19:02that she has literally pulled this way and that
19:05in the direction of the underground stream she locates before his farm.
19:08Since she discovered her gift three years ago,
19:10Catherine has located 300 deep boreholes
19:13and has been right 98 times in every 100.
19:16How does she do it?
19:17No-one really knows, but scientists say that her body cells
19:20are unusually sensitive to physical and chemical changes in the earth.
19:23All Catherine knows is that her reactions are so violent
19:26that she is sometimes pulled off balance and ends up flat on her face.
19:30APPLAUSE
19:32Do you know who that is?
19:34Go on.
19:35I know who that is.
19:36Go on, who is it?
19:37Peter Crouch's mum.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:39That was Catherine Bent from Cornwall,
19:41demonstrating her ability to divine water.
19:44Here's your related statistic.
19:46When asked what special powers they'd most like to have,
19:49the majority of Brits chose the ability to fly.
19:52Is that true or false?
19:54It may be false, because mainly people say they want to have things like X-ray vision.
19:58Most of the time people want special powers to do pervy things.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:03Surely you could do a lot of perving if you were able to fly.
20:06You could just hover over a car park at night time
20:09like some big kind of sex kestrel.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:14What special powers do you have, David?
20:16I already have special powers.
20:19Really?
20:20I have very strong gaydar.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:27When asked what special powers they'd most like to have,
20:30the majority of Brits chose the ability to fly.
20:32True or false?
20:33I'd say that was true.
20:34I'd say it's false.
20:35Well, I'd say it was true.
20:37Well, I'm sorry, but...
20:39Oh, our first row!
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42I think people would choose invisibility.
20:44Well, I don't think they would.
20:46Well, what do you think, casting vote?
20:48Deborah, Deborah, go with me, David.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:52I'm sorry, David.
20:53False.
20:54You think it's false?
20:55Well, I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.
20:5755% of Brits chose the ability to fly.
21:00It is worth remembering that dressing like a superhero
21:03does not give you special powers, or indeed the right to see your children.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:08So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
21:10and four points for Dave's team.
21:12APPLAUSE
21:14And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:16I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:19It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:22Here is your first one.
21:23Person Brits are most likely to hang up on?
21:26Someone they didn't know was asthmatic.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:31When I get a wrong number, I don't let on that it's a wrong number.
21:34I like doing that.
21:35So when someone phones up and says, like,
21:37is Mandy there, I go, oh, hold on a minute.
21:39Then I put the phone on the side and I shout,
21:41so my voice, Mandy, get up the stairs!
21:44Mandy, you stupid cow, get out!
21:50And they go back to the phone and go, she's just coming.
21:59Get someone close to you.
22:00Their ex.
22:01Mother-in-law.
22:02Their ex is the right answer, Dave. Correct.
22:04APPLAUSE
22:05Yes, the person Brits are most likely to hang up on is their ex-partner.
22:08Ex-partner thing that most frightens kids the rising cost of cigarettes
22:19Is it being tucked in by uncle Trevor is it spongebob no pants
22:30Is it a seal with the dad's face
22:38That's number two on the list
22:44Scary-noises the correct answer
22:49Top wish Brits want to come true David if you get a one wish in the world, what would it be to make you happy?
22:54I
23:01Had one wish what would it be skip five numbers to the bowling spools? That's the correct answer
23:11The top wish that Brits want to come through is winning the lottery
23:14Number four on the list is sleep with the world's most beautiful man stroke woman. What Nadia?
23:19Well
23:21That's how tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show
23:24Which means the final scores are Sean Dave and Debra have five points Dave bears and Frankie have seven points
23:30Oh
23:43Giving away his dosh at 1030 Randy reckons it could be a brain worm
23:49But next up Caesar is on the high road, but not before a chit-chat with Davina
23:59You