First broadcast 2nd June 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Debra Stephenson
Frankie Boyle
Mark Berry (as Bez)
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Debra Stephenson
Frankie Boyle
Mark Berry (as Bez)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, from Little Britain, it's David Walliams!
00:27Off of Corey, Deborah Stevenson!
00:30And their captain, Sean Locke!
00:33And facing them tonight, twisting my melon, it's Ben!
00:38Scottish hard man, Frankie Boyle!
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:50Hello! And welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, 8% of men have paid for sex. Most recently, Paul McCartney.
01:06Rome has more homeless dogs per square mile than any other city in the world.
01:11What they need is a Korean pope.
01:15And approximately 75% of human poo is water. Still, if I'm thirsty, I tend to have a Diet Coke.
01:22Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:34We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:39It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:43Deborah, Sean, David. Hi!
01:46What have the nation been talking about this week?
01:48John Prescott. John Prescott, yes.
01:50Because he was seen playing croquet on his lawn.
01:58But why croquet? This can't be a sport. I'd have thought it'd be darts or spitting.
02:03How did he suddenly get a taste for that?
02:06To be fair to you, he was using a sledgehammer.
02:09And the balls just shattered into dust.
02:13Also, he shagged a fat lady.
02:17That's never good, so that doesn't help.
02:19He was also down in the public same day, spending £425 of taxpayers' money on getting around him for everyone.
02:26So I've read today in the paper, the Daily Mail.
02:29You don't describe me as a Daily Mail reader, Ben.
02:32I like the cross-gossip.
02:34You must think, what have I done wrong? He's had sex with the secretary and he's played croquet.
02:38The American vice president shot someone in the face.
02:43What is croquet? Is it just like polo for people who are too fat to get on a horse?
02:50It'd be the strangest reason to have to resign ever.
02:53He played croquet. Get him out.
02:56How do you run the country? How do you do it?
02:58Do you have to have night vision goggles and a laser beam?
03:02You'd expect him to be in an office somewhere doing something, taking a call or something.
03:08Is everything OK? All right, bye.
03:13Is Prescott really totally in charge when Blair goes away?
03:16He's totally in charge.
03:18Have you ever seen that picture in Heat where Tony Blair was torso of the week?
03:21It's a slow week for Heat, isn't it?
03:23Have you ever seen that?
03:24Funny enough, Dave, no, I don't take Heat.
03:27Deborah? No, I didn't see it.
03:29It's like you don't read Heat.
03:31Are you making a judgement about me? Yes.
03:35Go on, what, where he was torso?
03:37Where he was torso, they have it in Heat.
03:39Don't let people pretending they don't read Heat!
03:41Everyone reads Heat!
03:43I don't. I don't read Heat.
03:45You do!
03:48No, basically, they have a torso of the week. They have a sort of handsome man.
03:51And one week, just before the election, it was Tony Blair.
03:53He was on holiday. He was on the phone and showing he had quite a fit body.
03:56But he looked really good. He looked very buff.
03:58So I voted for him.
03:59Are you coming out now? Is this the moment?
04:03No, I'm just saying Tony Blair's got a really hot bod.
04:06That's all I'm saying.
04:09Right, let's have a look and see if Prescott is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
04:14Yes, it is.
04:17Yes, this week there were renewed calls for Prescott to quit.
04:20When I say renewed calls, it was actually people shouting,
04:22Fuck off, fatty!
04:26Dave, Frankie, Fez from the Happy Mondays.
04:28What have the nation been talking about this week?
04:30The Home Office is on its arse.
04:32That's what they've been talking about.
04:33Another week, another fiasco.
04:34500 police, was it? Raided Ford Open Prison.
04:37What was they looking for?
04:38I think there's some criminals in here. I don't know.
04:41Break the door down, Bill. Break the door down.
04:43It's open. It's open. It's alright.
04:46I don't think people realise how open some of these prisons are.
04:48Because I'm currently doing four years for fraud.
04:52It's that easy.
04:53Any thoughts on the Home Office, Fez?
04:55Well, where would we be without them?
04:57We won't have any passports.
05:00We won't be able to go on holidays, you know what I mean?
05:05I imagine you at customs, when they see you coming,
05:07they must throw a party.
05:10Do you ever get laid through, Fez?
05:11All the time.
05:12Mostly so I can look at my innocent face and say,
05:14That man is OK, let him through.
05:16I think they look at your face and think he's taken all the drugs
05:19before we got here.
05:21Well, there's always that.
05:23Why is he dancing?
05:27Right, so your guess is the Home Office.
05:28Let's have a look and see whether it's one of the top five
05:30talked about things this week.
05:32Yes, it is.
05:35Yes, there have been more Home Office scandals this week.
05:38500 mentally ill foreign criminals are still on the loose.
05:41They're being hunted for by the Home Office, the police
05:43and the producers of Big Brother.
05:46Sean, what do you think?
05:47What else have the measures been talking about?
05:49Have they been talking about Big Brother?
05:51Because there's two new housemates,
05:53and one of them, called Sam, is a transvestite.
05:57I find that distasteful.
06:03A man dressed as a woman on television is disgusting.
06:09Is he the one that's got an 11-inch penis?
06:12No, that's Pete's that's got a big penis.
06:15My three-year-old boy is convinced that I have a willy.
06:17Because every time I go into a public loo,
06:19and he'll go and then I'll go,
06:21and then he just seems to want to shout out in a really loud voice,
06:24Mummy, you've got a willy!
06:26It's just so embarrassing,
06:28because I know people in there are probably going,
06:30Oh, he's that one from Coronation Street.
06:32And other people are going, What, Hayley?
06:36I don't watch Big Brother, but I can see why people do watch it,
06:39because it's like having pets that you don't have to feed.
06:43You've got all these pets, you watch them,
06:45but you don't ever have to really do much to them.
06:47You just turn them on, they're there, running around.
06:49You know when you were a kid, when I was a kid,
06:50I had a bucket of snails.
06:52Did you have a bucket of snails?
06:53That's a very different life to me.
06:55You had a bucket of snails, and you've never read Heat magazine.
07:00I used to lift the lid off, and then all the snails would be there.
07:03And I sometimes used to take one of them out for a ride,
07:05just put them on the crossbar and just go out for a ride.
07:08That must have freaked your snail out on your crossbar,
07:10he or I'd be like, Fucking hell!
07:15Good job I've got a crashing wheel.
07:20I used to play with snails in my Wendy house.
07:22We've got something in common.
07:24You've also both got cocks.
07:33A weird thing happened one day, because one day I was watching them,
07:35and they all turned.
07:37Suddenly there was this moment, they were all staring at me
07:38with their glistening little prongs.
07:40All of them, 36 of them, staring at me.
07:42And I sort of shiver, I went, Urgh.
07:44And then one of them moved, another one moved,
07:46and I realised it was just a coincidence.
07:49Right, so you've guessed Big Brother.
07:51Is it a top five talking point?
07:54Yes, it is.
07:56Yes, 42% of you were talking about Big Brother.
07:59The housemate with Tourette's, Pete, says he wants to have a sex change.
08:02That'll be a tough conversation with the doctor.
08:04I'd like you to remove my...
08:08Dave, your team, what have the nation been talking about?
08:10Is it the World Cup?
08:12It's good the way that Sven-Goran Eriksson's been experimenting,
08:15and one of his experiments, he's created this thing called Peter Crouch,
08:20which is a sort of cross between a man and a ladder.
08:25I don't know why he has to do a robotic dance to look freaky,
08:28he already looks like a cross between a terminally ill schoolboy and a flamingo.
08:34He says he's going to do that every time he scores in the World Cup.
08:37So that's it then, innit? We're not seeing that again.
08:40Everyone's obsessed with Rooney's Foot, aren't they?
08:42You two interested in Rooney's Foot?
08:44Yes, he's hurt his foot, I know.
08:46But if he's that good, can't he just play with his other foot?
08:52How many times are they going to x-ray Rooney?
08:54Because it'd be a tragedy if he, like, came on in the final and died of cancer.
09:01Theo Walcott made his debut, didn't he?
09:02The youngest ever player in England since, well, Gary Glitter disbanded the Fiverside team.
09:11He's really, really young, isn't he?
09:13You swore at the referee, sent him to the naughty step.
09:17Ben, you've got a World Cup single out.
09:19I have on the 19th. Totally unofficial, of course.
09:23Really?
09:24What, are you only going to be able to buy in car parks?
09:27Do you get a free eighth with it, do you?
09:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:32How does it go?
09:33It goes...
09:34Don't go to yard house.
09:36No, it don't, it goes...
09:37It goes...
09:44So the World Cup is your answer. Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
09:48Yes, it is.
09:50Yes, the number one story is the build-up to the World Cup.
09:53There was an injury scare for young Theo Walcott.
09:55They suspect his voice may have broken.
09:59Right, there's one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
10:00What else have the nation been talking about?
10:03Is it the unmarried couples?
10:04Have you been talking about that?
10:05The fact that unmarried couples have been given the rights of married couples,
10:08so that if they split up, they can have all the money, or split the money.
10:12You're not having 50% of what I've got.
10:15We've discussed this.
10:18Isn't the thing about this story that a lot of men are worried
10:21because they might lose half their stuff,
10:23but actually I'm in quite a strong position because my stuff is shit,
10:28and I would gladly trade it for two years of sex.
10:32I mean, Oxfam wouldn't take my CD collection.
10:34If someone is going to hump me for two years,
10:36they can have the fucking record player.
10:40What a lovely sentiment.
10:43It's like a songbird's call, that, isn't it?
10:45You can hump me for my CDs.
10:52So, equal rights for cohabiting couples.
10:54Let's see if it's one of the top five talked about things this week.
10:56Yes, it is.
10:57At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, David and Debra have three points,
11:00Dave, Bez and Frankie have two points.
11:06The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:08We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
11:10from around the world, and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:13Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
11:16so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:18Here's your first question.
11:19What is the average age of a woman in the UK?
11:23So, it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:25Here's your first question.
11:26One in three people who visits Alton Towers has what?
11:29Has been sick in the hood of their cagoule.
11:36Do the mime again.
11:40It comes out quickly, it goes straight back.
11:43I reckon people practise their faces before they go, they're like...
11:49Apparently, all they...
11:50Do that again.
11:52No, do that one.
12:01I think Bez has got the answer.
12:02Are you ready?
12:03One in three people who visit Alton Towers has...
12:05A packed lunch.
12:14Get the gear through security.
12:19Always thinking, are we, Bez?
12:21I'll give you a clue, they shouldn't be there.
12:23Or haven't paid to get in.
12:24Taking a day off sick.
12:25Correct answer.
12:29Yes, one in three people who visit Alton Towers has phoned in sick to get the day off work.
12:33Yeah, I'm not coming in today, I'm not feeling very well.
12:37OK, here's your next question.
12:38Two percent of men admit they wouldn't what again?
12:47Is it email a Nigerian diplomat, your bank details?
12:51He's got £25 million in nowhere to put it.
12:54What do you think, Bez?
12:55I won't sell you, cos I do most things again.
13:00It's something that you tend to do around the ages of 17 or 18?
13:03Oh, get breast implants for a bet.
13:08I think you'll find that's £25 you owe me.
13:12They wouldn't take their driving test again, cos they've already taken it and they've got a licence.
13:17That is the correct answer.
13:21Yes, two percent of men admit they wouldn't pass their driving test if they took it again.
13:25I'd easily pass, I'm a brilliant driver.
13:27Last year I got 25 points.
13:32OK, 82% of people what while swimming?
13:35Get quite wet.
13:39What are you doing, swimming-wise, at the moment?
13:41I'm training to swim the Channel.
13:43Why would you do that?
13:45For a good cause, Jimmy, which is sport relief.
13:47It's an incredible feat, cos that's like doing three marathons or something, isn't it? One go.
13:51It probably makes you feel like a lesser man.
13:55I certainly don't feel as butch as you.
13:58It's quite an incredible undertaking. How much are you planning to raise?
14:01However much, you know, people...
14:02Well, there's 80p guaranteed from me.
14:04Thank you very much.
14:05And how do people contact you?
14:06They go to the sport relief website.
14:08Are you worried, if you do backstroke, are you worried about hitting your head on France?
14:13Oh dear, oh dear.
14:15I've already done it.
14:17I swam the Channel.
14:18I'm not paying those ferry prices.
14:21I didn't have a, you know, a boat or a support or back-up or any photos.
14:25No-one believes me.
14:28What's the point anyway? You can't carry the booze back, can you, while you're swimming?
14:31No, no, I was pushing a suitcase in front of me all the way.
14:36You're going to be gutted when you see the Daily Mail this weekend.
14:38They've got France for a pound.
14:43I think it's a brilliant thing to do. What do you think? A brilliant thing?
14:45It's quite a brilliant thing.
14:47Good luck.
14:4882% of people walk while swimming.
14:51Can you give us a clue, James?
14:52I'll give you a big clue.
14:53People think you're doing it when you're on your mobile phone.
14:56Talk to yourself.
14:57Talk to yourself is exactly right.
15:01Yes, 82% of people talk to themselves while swimming.
15:04Mainly, they're saying,
15:05Oh, that's better.
15:10So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that it's 4 points for Sean's team and 4 points for Dave's team.
15:15Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out what special powers the nation would most like to have.
15:33Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Counts.
15:34The next round is called Believe It Or Not.
15:36In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement,
15:38and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:41Dave, Bez and Frankie, you're to go first.
15:43Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your fact.
15:46This is the latest project from US rapper R. Kelly.
16:14She moves.
16:15And then,
16:16He looks at the cabinet.
16:18He walks to the cabinet.
16:20He goes to the cabinet.
16:22Now he goes in the cabinet.
16:24Now pause the movie, cause what I'm about to say to y'all
16:28is so damn twisted.
16:30Not only is there a man in his cabinet,
16:32but the man is a midget.
16:43That was R. Kelly there, and his hip-hop opera trapped in the closet.
16:46That is unbelievably entirely serious.
16:48Midget, midget, midget.
16:52I'm not joking.
16:54What was going on with the pie?
16:55Well, the pie, there's a slice missing from the pie.
16:58She's allergic to cherry.
17:00Something's not right.
17:02Better check in the closet.
17:04Closet, closet.
17:06The thing is, if you come home,
17:08and you think that your wife's having an affair,
17:10is the first place that you look under the sink?
17:13Well, here is your question.
17:1567% of married men confess to having a dark secret
17:19they will never tell their wives.
17:21True or false?
17:22What, a dark secret they will never tell their wives,
17:24but will tell someone taking a survey in a supermarket?
17:29Or is it like, say, for instance, I used to work in a hospital,
17:31and my wife used to be in charge of the special care baby unit,
17:34and she was on nights, and I went to a doctor's party
17:36to call in afterwards when I had a few drinks.
17:38And for a laugh, swapped all the identity bands on the baby's over.
17:46Oh, but then went back, but then actually forgot
17:48to make a note of which ones I'd swapped,
17:50and as long as you get a good one, it doesn't matter, does it?
17:53David's going to be here next week, because he's going to jail.
17:5767% of married men confess to having a dark secret
18:00they will never tell their wives.
18:02True or false?
18:03Do you have a dark secret, Deborah?
18:04There's no secrets.
18:05You're a beautiful cock.
18:08Sometimes, you know, women get back to their homes
18:11and shockingly find that their husbands have dressed up in their clothes.
18:16If a man was to come back to the house
18:19and find the woman dressed in men's clothes,
18:21it wouldn't really be that much of a shock, would it?
18:23Maybe your son saw your husband dressed in your clothes.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:35We've solved the mystery.
18:37What do you think, is that true or false?
18:39Yeah, I reckon that's probably true.
18:41Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
18:43In fact, just 11% of men admit having a dark secret
18:46they would never share with their wives.
18:48John Prescott had a dark secret he wouldn't share with his wife.
18:51And a chocolate orange.
18:53Sean, David and Deborah, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:57Now meet Catherine Bent of Devon, Cornwall,
19:00whose physical reaction to water is so strong
19:02that she has literally pulled this way and that
19:05in the direction of the underground stream she locates before his farm.
19:08Since she discovered her gift three years ago,
19:10Catherine has located 300 deep boreholes
19:13and has been right 98 times in every 100.
19:16How does she do it?
19:17No-one really knows, but scientists say that her body cells
19:20are unusually sensitive to physical and chemical changes in the earth.
19:23All Catherine knows is that her reactions are so violent
19:26that she is sometimes pulled off balance and ends up flat on her face.
19:30APPLAUSE
19:32Do you know who that is?
19:34Go on.
19:35I know who that is.
19:36Go on, who is it?
19:37Peter Crouch's mum.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:39That was Catherine Bent from Cornwall,
19:41demonstrating her ability to divine water.
19:44Here's your related statistic.
19:46When asked what special powers they'd most like to have,
19:49the majority of Brits chose the ability to fly.
19:52Is that true or false?
19:54It may be false, because mainly people say they want to have things like X-ray vision.
19:58Most of the time people want special powers to do pervy things.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:03Surely you could do a lot of perving if you were able to fly.
20:06You could just hover over a car park at night time
20:09like some big kind of sex kestrel.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:14What special powers do you have, David?
20:16I already have special powers.
20:19Really?
20:20I have very strong gaydar.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:27When asked what special powers they'd most like to have,
20:30the majority of Brits chose the ability to fly.
20:32True or false?
20:33I'd say that was true.
20:34I'd say it's false.
20:35Well, I'd say it was true.
20:37Well, I'm sorry, but...
20:39Oh, our first row!
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42I think people would choose invisibility.
20:44Well, I don't think they would.
20:46Well, what do you think, casting vote?
20:48Deborah, Deborah, go with me, David.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:52I'm sorry, David.
20:53False.
20:54You think it's false?
20:55Well, I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.
20:5755% of Brits chose the ability to fly.
21:00It is worth remembering that dressing like a superhero
21:03does not give you special powers, or indeed the right to see your children.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:08So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
21:10and four points for Dave's team.
21:12APPLAUSE
21:14And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:16I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:19It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:22Here is your first one.
21:23Person Brits are most likely to hang up on?
21:26Someone they didn't know was asthmatic.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:31When I get a wrong number, I don't let on that it's a wrong number.
21:34I like doing that.
21:35So when someone phones up and says, like,
21:37is Mandy there, I go, oh, hold on a minute.
21:39Then I put the phone on the side and I shout,
21:41so my voice, Mandy, get up the stairs!
21:44Mandy, you stupid cow, get out!
21:50And they go back to the phone and go, she's just coming.
21:59Get someone close to you.
22:00Their ex.
22:01Mother-in-law.
22:02Their ex is the right answer, Dave. Correct.
22:04APPLAUSE
22:05Yes, the person Brits are most likely to hang up on is their ex-partner.
22:08Ex-partner thing that most frightens kids the rising cost of cigarettes
22:19Is it being tucked in by uncle Trevor is it spongebob no pants
22:30Is it a seal with the dad's face
22:38That's number two on the list
22:44Scary-noises the correct answer
22:49Top wish Brits want to come true David if you get a one wish in the world, what would it be to make you happy?
22:54I
23:01Had one wish what would it be skip five numbers to the bowling spools? That's the correct answer
23:11The top wish that Brits want to come through is winning the lottery
23:14Number four on the list is sleep with the world's most beautiful man stroke woman. What Nadia?
23:19Well
23:21That's how tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show
23:24Which means the final scores are Sean Dave and Debra have five points Dave bears and Frankie have seven points
23:30Oh
23:43Giving away his dosh at 1030 Randy reckons it could be a brain worm
23:49But next up Caesar is on the high road, but not before a chit-chat with Davina
23:59You