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First broadcast 27th June 2008.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

Lee Mack
Frankie Boyle
Vanessa Feltz
Matt Littler

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Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, he's not going out, Lee Mack.
00:25She's not shutting up, Vanessa Phelps.
00:28And their team captain, Sean Locke.
00:31And facing them tonight, Hollyoaks boy, Matt Lutler.
00:36Glaswegian joy, Frankie Boyle.
00:40And their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:49CHEERING
00:52Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:55a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example,
00:59one in four people think that using an electric toothbrush is lazy?
01:02Yeah, what's wrong with traditional foreplay?
01:05LAUGHTER
01:0762% of Scots spend more than 30 minutes on the phone every day.
01:11Hello, it's me again, I'm having another heart attack.
01:14LAUGHTER
01:19And a plastic bag in a landfill site takes 1,000 years to rot away,
01:24so in a sense, it is a bag for life.
01:27LAUGHTER
01:28Take that, M&S.
01:30Let's get started.
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:41We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:43and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:50Jason, Matt, Frankie, what will the nation be talking about this week?
01:53Wimbledon.
01:54Well, they're all there. Hewitt is there, Federer, Murray,
01:58the Williams brothers are there, so they're all...
02:01LAUGHTER
02:03They're all pretty good.
02:04Tim Henman is doing the commentary for the old beeb
02:07and it's going to be weird for him to stay in the full two weeks, I think.
02:10I think halfway through the commentary, he's not doing so well,
02:13someone just goes, come on, Tim!
02:15Do you watch the Wimbledon?
02:17Yeah, I watched Andy Murray beat the French guy.
02:19I was quite surprised he beat him and the French guy didn't just surrender after a couple of sets.
02:23Nice.
02:25There's a new word, isn't there, because it's Henmania,
02:28and now they've got Andymonium.
02:30And I said, really? It's got Andymonium.
02:32I said, really, it should be called Andypandemonium, shouldn't it?
02:35I think miserable-looking bastard Murray as well, isn't he?
02:39Yeah, as opposed to your good self, Frankie.
02:42I'm not a 21-year-old millionaire who looks like
02:45I let him near the umpire's chair, he'd hang himself off it.
02:51It's so boring, tennis, that the slightest thing,
02:54the crowd go mental, like it's the most hilarious, shocking thing they've ever seen.
02:57Federer's opponent sat next to him, do you see that bit?
03:00The crowd reacted like he'd picked up a ball boy,
03:03swung him round by the ankles and thrown him into the crowd.
03:05Why did he throw the sweaty... It's horrible.
03:07They throw their sweaty headbands into the...
03:09We were in here for about three hours, sweaty like...
03:11Imagine if Vanessa at the end just got her knickers off and went...
03:16The press are obsessed with knickers, aren't they?
03:19If you were going, I can see her knickers, I can see her knickers,
03:22you'd be down as a pervert, you'd get arrested.
03:24The son could just go to the tennis,
03:26go, look at her knickers, she's got red runs on,
03:28it's equivalent to standing at the bottom of stairs at work,
03:31just going, I've seen your knickers.
03:33For some reason, it's fine.
03:35Don't you think that those sound effects,
03:37when they go... every time they serve,
03:39and if you combine that with porn,
03:41where everyone's always going...
03:44Don't you think it just puts ordinary people under colossal pressure?
03:48Cos, like, very often, you're being shagged,
03:51and you don't want to make any noise, you just want to go...
03:55You don't always have to go...
03:58You just always want to go...
04:02Why don't you just get them to shag you
04:04and put the tennis on in the background?
04:07APPLAUSE
04:10Let's see how many people are talking about Wimbledon this week.
04:13It's the most talked-about thing.
04:15Wimbledon this week.
04:17Yes, Wimbledon started this week.
04:19Tim Henman is commentating this year,
04:21which means the chances of him winning the competition
04:24are exactly the same as last year.
04:27Sean, Vanessa and Lee,
04:28what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:31There's Nelson Mandela's birthday concert in Hyde Park,
04:34and there's Glastonbury as well.
04:36Then everyone's worried about Amy Winehouse.
04:38Will she be well enough to make it?
04:40Her dad, Mitch, says she's got emphysemia,
04:43which I think, at 24, that must be some kind of record.
04:46By the time she's 30, she'll have scurvy and rickets.
04:49She'll be going in a bath chair with an ear trumpet.
04:53Have you seen the pictures of her this week?
04:55She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:04APPLAUSE
05:07The thing they used to do at Glastonbury,
05:09they're a bit ironic,
05:10so they'd have someone like Tom Jones on or Shirley Bassey,
05:13but it's gone way too ironic this year.
05:15This year, they've got Will Young on,
05:17Neil Diamond and Shaky Stevens.
05:19It's like a wedding disco.
05:21You say, Shaky Stevens will be brilliant.
05:23He won't. He'll be shit, cos he's shit.
05:27Would you be tempted to go to Glastonbury?
05:29Yeah, I'm going to Glastonbury.
05:31You get killed tonight, don't you?
05:33I feel good.
05:35You should go to all the stone people at Glastonbury...
05:38LAUGHTER
05:40..and make yourself all white,
05:42and then just unzip the template out and go...
05:46What, do you think Hollyoaks is on a big screen at Glastonbury?
05:49It's a little more mental than putting Jay-Z on, is it?
05:52It's Jay-Zed.
05:53Is it Jay-Zed now?
05:54Yeah, it's in England. It's Jay-Zed now.
05:56You're over here, you play Viruses.
05:58It's Jay-Zed.
06:00APPLAUSE
06:04I did a wedding festival, and all the tents are really close.
06:07You can hear the bands, they're not that far away.
06:09There was a band on stage when I was on,
06:11and there was a thrash metal punk band,
06:13and their finale was, the lead singer has a shit onto a towel...
06:17Oh, no!
06:18..then gets the towel and swings it round...
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21..and then throws it into the crowd.
06:23What, he's nicked your act?
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27APPLAUSE
06:29It would be great if Nelson did that, wouldn't it?
06:33You were not expecting that, were you?
06:36Wow, that's a body!
06:38A 90!
06:40OK, well, let's see if the big concert weekend
06:42is one of the most talked-about things this week.
06:45APPLAUSE
06:48Yes, it's the Glastonbury weekend.
06:50Kelly Osbourne is going to be filming a video diary
06:52of the shenanigans backstage.
06:54I didn't even realise the shenanigans were playing.
06:57A concert to celebrate Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday
07:00is also happening.
07:02Scheduled to perform is Amy Winehouse.
07:04Amy Winehouse has lung damage,
07:06but was told it will improve if she gives up drink and drugs.
07:08I won't hold my breath.
07:10And she can't.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13They originally thought Amy had TB,
07:15which she caught from the badger that lives in her head.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:20Jason, Matt, Frankie, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
07:23Is it Big Brother?
07:24I thought the blind guy would have been more entertaining.
07:27I wanted to see him take a shit in the diary room and spend...
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32..two hours looking for the flush.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36APPLAUSE
07:39Well, I can tell you, Big Brother is not one of the most talked-about things this week,
07:43but it was the fourth week of Big Brother.
07:45Jennifer has warned Big Brother that she's anti-fox hunting and anti-abortion.
07:49Well, that's ruined that task.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:53OK, Sean, what else has Britain been talking about this week?
07:55Er, Valerie Singleton.
07:57Yes, Valerie Singleton was at pains to make it clear
08:00that anyone who said she'd ever had a lesbian affair was lying cos she hadn't.
08:04This is a fairly dormant rumour which has now been raked up by Valerie Singleton,
08:08so now everyone's saying, is she a lesbian?
08:10It's not a rumour, it's one of the cornerstones of all knowledge.
08:14Valerie Singleton, you go, she's a lesbian, it's a fact.
08:17And her saying she's not a lesbian has kind of pretty much rocked my world.
08:21Vanessa, let me ask you, as a woman,
08:23it's not a terrible thing to be called a lesbian, is it?
08:25And it's not, you know, a defamation of character.
08:27No, no, it's not a terrible thing.
08:29But it depends how you do it, if you go, you lesbian.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33You've got to go, you lesbian.
08:35That's not nice, is it? It's the way you say it.
08:37Yeah.
08:38Lesbian!
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40That's nice.
08:41Come in!
08:43Lesbian!
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45Ah, ah, everyone.
08:47That's not very nice.
08:48In the story, it said that she had sex with Peter Purvis while they were, er...
08:52Which is a great name for someone who's having sex, Purvis.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:56She said that she got it on with Albert Finney.
08:59But she said that they never had sex, they thrashed...
09:01This is the quote, thrashed about a bit on the bed.
09:04What does that mean exactly? I'm trying to think.
09:06I'll show you.
09:07Come on.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:11That was my penis screaming.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:15APPLAUSE
09:19I can tell you that Valerie Singleton
09:21was not one of the most talked about things this week,
09:23but it was in the news.
09:24Valerie Singleton denied any lesbian allegations
09:26and was so shocked by the rumours that she dropped her pool cue
09:29and spilt bitter down the front of a dungarees.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32What else did the nation be talking about?
09:34Soldiers spotting the UFOs in Shropshire.
09:37Ooh.
09:38Yeah.
09:39Tell me more.
09:40I don't know what they're doing in Shropshire,
09:42like some weird sort of Yoda-esque bloke going there,
09:44alien going,
09:45Ooh, we must be in Shrewsbury Town Hall, we must be.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49I haven't described it as a cylindrical object
09:51with things protruding out the side,
09:53so that's just a plane.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:56My problem with unidentified flying objects is
09:58if they identify it, then it's just a flying object.
10:00And if at any point it lands, it's just an object.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:04And then you've just seen an O.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07Let's see if soldiers spotting UFOs
10:09is one of the most talked about things this week.
10:12Yes, it is.
10:13Speaking in at number five,
10:15this is the story that soldiers spotted UFOs in Market Drayton.
10:18The incident is set to be made into a movie
10:20entitled The Goose That Flew Over Market Drayton.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:24Fingers on buzzers, what else are people talking about?
10:26BUZZER
10:27Is it the... Well, it's been Gordon Brown,
10:29it's his first year in charge, and...
10:31They've brought out an equality bill this week, haven't they?
10:34Yeah.
10:35And this has caused consternation in papers
10:37like the Daily Mail and the Express.
10:39They're saying that women will be more equal than men.
10:41Yeah.
10:42The easiest way to explain this to Vanessa is
10:44if I got paid 100 money,
10:45then if you did the same job,
10:47you'd be paid 100 money as well.
10:48Yes.
10:49Sounds good to me, mate, doesn't it?
10:51Are you thinking about shopping and cake?
10:52Ah, yeah.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54Age.
10:55They say there's no more age discrimination at work.
10:57So they've got to start employing older people at work.
10:59You would hope that there was some sort of...
11:01I don't want to be watching Babe Station with a 90-year-old.
11:04You know what I mean?
11:05Hey, speak for yourself, son.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08The first thing I want to see gotten rid of
11:10with discrimination,
11:12with this old people and young people and all that,
11:14is the preferential treatment
11:16that old people get on the bus.
11:18Because it winds me up.
11:20They pay less and they get the best seats.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23It's not the best seat, it stinks of piss.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27I don't trust Brown, mate.
11:29He looks terrible, Brown.
11:30He looks like a sad face
11:32that somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:37It's true.
11:38Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is?
11:43He probably thinks Tony Blair's put on weight
11:45and had a fucking stroke.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:50APPLAUSE
11:53Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
11:57Yes, this is the story of the new Equality Bill.
12:00It aims to improve the lives of ethnic minorities,
12:02women and the elderly.
12:04It's been codenamed Project Rusty Lee.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08Also this week, Gordon Brown has pledged
12:10to give the poorest families £200
12:12to help them climb the social ladder.
12:14For some, £200 is the difference between living in poverty
12:17and living in poverty with a PlayStation.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:22OK, there's one more thing to get.
12:23Fingers on buzzers.
12:24What else have we got?
12:25Is it the football European Championships?
12:27The football?
12:28Yeah.
12:29Tell me more.
12:30It's been weird, the Euros,
12:31because it's been weird not being there, isn't it?
12:33It's sort of like in the summer
12:34when all the other kids are playing outside
12:36and you're not allowed out, you've had to go to bed early.
12:38You're looking out and you're like,
12:39Mum, but Romania's there.
12:40You're like, well, I'm not Romania's mum, am I?
12:42LAUGHTER
12:43Have you been watching them?
12:45I've seen a few, but my mate's really into the Italian football,
12:47so he's always watching it.
12:48So I'm upstairs angry,
12:49and I can just hear him downstairs cheering.
12:51Whee!
12:52So, a bit annoying.
12:53I didn't even realise you were gay.
12:54Brilliant.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56Did you see the Germany-Turkey game?
12:58Yeah.
12:59TV just crashed for about 40 minutes.
13:02They just froze the screen and said,
13:04sorry, no pictures, there's a thunderstorm in Austria.
13:07So we had to listen to the radio commentary through the telly.
13:10Well worth the two grand for that iDef telly.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14So this morning I thought, I'll watch it again.
13:16It's on iPlayer,
13:17and the BBC have kept the 40 minutes or whatever you can't see
13:21on iPlayer.
13:23So basically what they're saying is
13:24if you missed it the first time, you can miss it again on iPlayer.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28Making the unmissable missable.
13:30Shall we have a look and see if football's
13:32one of the most talked about things this week?
13:34Yes, it is.
13:37Yes, the European Cup final is on Sunday.
13:40England not qualifying means we can now watch games neutrally.
13:43Games like Spain versus the Nazis.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:47So at the end of that round, Sean, Lee and Vanessa have two points,
13:49Jason, Matt and Frankie have three points.
13:51APPLAUSE
13:53Join us after the break.
13:54We will be finding out the worst thing that can happen at a wedding.
13:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:05Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
14:07Our next round is called Pick Of The Polls.
14:09Sean, what do you fancy answering a question on?
14:11Erm, Naomi Campbell.
14:13Lovely, Naomi Campbell. OK.
14:15This is an audience poll question.
14:17Naomi Campbell escaped jail this week
14:18after she was accused of another assault.
14:20So we polled the studio audience and asked them,
14:22would you work for Naomi Campbell?
14:24She's got 200 hours of community service
14:25because she went mental on a plane.
14:26She has, and it's not the first time she's had run-ins with the Lord.
14:29Yeah, she's done community service before, didn't she, in New York?
14:31Yeah.
14:32Because she hit her assistant with a BlackBerry.
14:34And when you first read it, you go,
14:36that's not that bad, is it?
14:38A pumpkin, I can understand.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41She just got a pumpkin and put it on her head like that.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:45Looked a bit like you, actually, wouldn't it?
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49APPLAUSE
14:53For our Halloween special on this show,
14:55I just light a candle in my mouth.
14:58You just blow it and his eyes go out.
15:00LAUGHTER
15:03But she went mental on a plane, didn't she?
15:05She went... Well, it was Terminal 5, I believe, and lost her bag.
15:08The first thing she said was,
15:09it's because I'm black and famous,
15:11and I think you'll find that BA are an equal opportunities bag loser.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16They don't use anyone's bags.
15:18Doesn't care whether you're Prince or pauper.
15:20What do you think of her, Vanessa? Do you like her?
15:22She's not an endearing person.
15:23If I were to work for her,
15:24I know the role I'd like to fulfil, actually.
15:26I wouldn't mind being her Brazilian waxer
15:28and pouring molten wax all over her pudendra.
15:31I think that would be a nice job.
15:33Well, same here, but for very different reasons.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36Lee, have you ever had a hissy fit?
15:38Like a proper showbiz hissy fit?
15:39No, I'm a very calm and relaxed person, Jimmy, you know that.
15:42I take everything in my stride.
15:43Don't fucking interrupt him.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46Kate Moss, she never does anything like this.
15:48You see a picture of her pretty much every day,
15:50but you never hear her voice, do you?
15:52The reason Kate Moss doesn't speak is she's very beautiful,
15:54but actually, she talks like this.
15:56Hello, I'm Kate Moss.
15:58I'm very excited about my new Topshop raise.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01I've totally changed myself!
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04You have never been so sexy?
16:06Yes.
16:07OK, so what are you saying, Sean?
16:09Would our studio audience want to work for Naomi Campbell or not?
16:12No, absolutely not.
16:13OK, I can tell you, you are right.
16:15APPLAUSE
16:16Yes, 75% of our studio audience
16:18said they would not work for Naomi Campbell.
16:20Naomi remains an important role model
16:22for every young, aspiring, total fucking bitch.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:26Jason, what do you fancy answering a question on?
16:29Er, what's the goal? Speed cameras, I think.
16:32According to statistics, what's the worst invention,
16:35speed cameras or religion?
16:37I think it's got to be speed cameras it's worse,
16:39because speed cameras have made people fly planes into large buildings.
16:44That's never happened with religion, has it?
16:46Oh, no, it's the other way round.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:50Near me, there's a school.
16:52You can only go 20 mile an hour all the time.
16:54Where I think what they should do,
16:56is say it's 20 mile an hour between 8 o'clock and half past nine,
17:00and then between 3 o'clock and about 5 o'clock.
17:03And that way, that will stop kids wagging school.
17:06You know, for the rest of the time, you're allowed to do 100, right?
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Get in school, you little shit, right?
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13The 20 mile an hour speed limit round a school encourages lechery,
17:16doesn't it? Nice and slow.
17:19If you hit me at 30, there's an 80% chance I'll live,
17:22and if you drive past me at 20,
17:24there's an 80% chance you'll go to prison.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:33OK, so what are you going to go with?
17:35You're dead, so you know there's another side.
17:37Is there a Hollyoaks heaven?
17:39No.
17:40No?
17:41It's called a bill.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43APPLAUSE
17:49OK, so what are you going to go with?
17:51It must be religion.
17:52Religion? We're going to go religion.
17:54I can tell you, speed cameras are worse than religion.
17:5715% of people thought speed cameras were the worst thing ever invented.
18:00Only 3% of people thought religion was the worst thing ever.
18:03APPLAUSE
18:04The next round is Believe It or Not.
18:06In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
18:08All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
18:11Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate their statistic.
18:13People think that reception jobs are boring,
18:16but it's what you make the job.
18:18PHONE RINGS
18:19Good afternoon, which video?
18:20Bloody hell.
18:21Hello, Robert, how are you?
18:22I've been phoning for hours.
18:23Sorry to keep you waiting.
18:24All right.
18:25HE GIGGLES
18:26The way I get rid of pent-up pressure is by laughing...
18:30LAUGHTER
18:32..and joking with people, because you certainly don't want to cry.
18:35Can we move the car park, please? No.
18:37You want to look professional on reception.
18:39Yes, yes.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:43I used to do a chicken over the tannoy.
18:51But I was banned from doing it.
18:53Everyone thinks I'm mad here, anyway.
18:55Charlotte, please.
18:56Oh, you want to speak to Charlotte?
18:58Well, I don't know whether I want to put you through.
19:00Oh, I'm doing nicely.
19:01I'll be through. All done.
19:05Would the owner of the blue escort...
19:08The worst job.
19:09Well, er...
19:11I tell you what, I wouldn't like to be the Prime Minister.
19:15APPLAUSE
19:20I wouldn't want to be the Prime Minister.
19:22Well, love, you are in luck.
19:24If I went into somewhere and I went,
19:26oh, can I get the key for that, and they went,
19:28yeah, oh, oh, let's go...
19:31LAUGHTER
19:32The related statistic from that,
19:3422% of receptionists admit they've taken revenge
19:37by tampering with their boss's coffee.
19:39Is that true or false?
19:40Where does tampering...
19:42What's the difference between tampering and poisoning?
19:44Like, for example, did the Kremlin tamper with Litvinenko's sushi?
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50I think the line is when you get your cup of coffee, you go,
19:53urgh, or you get your cup of coffee and you go, urgh.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58What I would do for revenge is I'd get the mug, right?
20:02I wouldn't tamper with the coffee, right?
20:04But I'd just, every day, I'd just tap the handle
20:07with like a little toffee hammer or something.
20:09And over the course of a couple of years...
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12..it would loosen, loosen, and one day they'd pick it up,
20:15and then I'd go, yes.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:18OK, true or false?
20:19I think it's false. I think it's less than that.
20:21You think? I think it's true, I would.
20:23OK, we'll go with true.
20:24True. False.
20:26I think it's false.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28You're overruling, OK, you're going false.
20:30I can tell you the answer is false.
20:32Yeah.
20:33APPLAUSE
20:36Yes, only 5% of receptionists have taken revenge
20:39by tampering with their boss's coffee.
20:41They say revenge is best served cold, and revenge is sweet.
20:44So really what they're saying is, revenge is ice cream.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:49So at the end of that round, it's four points for Sean's team
20:51and four points for Jason's team.
20:53APPLAUSE
20:55And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:57Here's your first one.
20:59Worst thing to happen at a wedding.
21:02Is it saving your brother's life but then getting run over in a process
21:05and then dying in OB's arms?
21:08LAUGHTER
21:10Because you died at a wedding.
21:11That's exactly what happens, yeah.
21:12So you've been written out of this thing?
21:14Is that what's happened? What do they say?
21:16No, they're keeping him in after he's died, Jimmy.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:19He's playing a coffee table for the next six years.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:23I am going back, though, I'm going back to direct it.
21:25Do they direct Hollyoaks?
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28Really?
21:30I thought it was just done with CCTV cameras.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:34What would make you cry at a wedding?
21:36Is it when the first song they play is,
21:38I still haven't found what I'm looking for?
21:40LAUGHTER
21:42I reckon if the bride gets taken off by an eagle.
21:45Like that.
21:46Ah!
21:47Ah!
21:49And then the church is getting smaller and smaller.
21:51Ah!
21:53And then...
21:54Ah!
21:56LAUGHTER
21:59I'll give you a clue. It would make the bride cry.
22:01The groom is set with the chief bridesmaid.
22:03Correct. That's my answer.
22:05APPLAUSE
22:07Exactly.
22:08Yes, the worst thing that can happen at a wedding
22:10is the groom goes off with the bridesmaid.
22:12Of course, the biggest wedding of the year was Wayne and Colleen's.
22:15Colleen warned the stag party not to play any pranks on Wayne
22:17that would ruin the wedding photos.
22:19I'm afraid to say, Colleen, that ship has sailed.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:24Britain's favourite word.
22:26Knockers, fanny, tits, flange.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:30I won it again before Frankie.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:34LAUGHTER
22:36It's our favourite receptionist from earlier's back.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:41I think it's gusset.
22:43It's saucy but it's not revolting.
22:45Is this what you put in the phone cards?
22:47Saucy but not revolting, gusset.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:51It's derived from the Latin.
22:53Bollocks.
22:55That's Latin, isn't it? Bollocks.
22:57Is it? Old Latin, yeah.
22:59Old Latin, yeah, from the east end of...
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03It describes a stupid or foolish person.
23:05BUZZER
23:07Nobbed.
23:09It begins with an N, nincompoop.
23:11Right answer.
23:13APPLAUSE
23:15Yes, Britain's favourite word is nincompoop.
23:18Number three on the list is mum, as in,
23:20I fucked your mum, you nincompoop.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:26which means the final scores are Sean, Lee and Vanessa have five points,
23:29Jason, Frankie and Matt have five points.
23:31It's a dead heat. Everyone's a winner.
23:33Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:35and to all of you for watching at home.
23:37That's it from us. Goodnight.
23:39APPLAUSE
23:43Later, ten past eleven tonight on Channel 4,
23:46Gordon Ramsay meets a meatloaf.
23:48Not Cookson. Well, I hope not.
23:50Lots of bad out of hell in the kitchen.
23:52Sylvia's time to shine.
23:54APPLAUSE