8 Out of 10 Cats. S03 E08.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 14th July 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Vic Reeves
Eamonn Holmes
Joan Rivers
Holly Willoughby

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, on Regents, Vic Reed, the Skies Little Women, Damon Hull,
00:29and their captain, Sean Locke!
00:32And facing them tonight, the one and only, Joan Rivers!
00:37Dancing on ice, it's Ollie Willoughby!
00:40And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, last year, British women spent £280 million removing unwanted body hair.
01:04Surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to Germany.
01:09Women blink almost twice as much as men.
01:11Brilliant! Think of the stuff we can get away with!
01:16And 54% of taxi drivers think we shouldn't join the Euro.
01:20We didn't conduct a survey, they just told us that.
01:23Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:34We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:36and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:39It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:42Dave's team, what have the nation been talking about?
01:44It's the World Cup, we think.
01:46I think the final probably largely will be remembered for the antics of the French captain, Zinedine Zidane,
01:51who was going to quit at the end of the game anyway, but decided to take early retirement.
01:55He nutted this guy in the chest.
01:57And the clip they always show is when he walks off, desolate, taking some bandage off,
02:01he walks past the World Cup, doesn't he?
02:03Which is like, there on a plinth.
02:05And I thought it would be really, really funny if he walked off like that,
02:08and went, I'm having that and all.
02:12Because he was going to get it back off him.
02:14You go and get it, I'm not getting it off him.
02:17And they reckon that he said that the guy, Matarazzo, accused his mother,
02:21said that his mother was a terrorist whore.
02:23Oh, so what? Any woman over 50 goes, thank you for thinking that.
02:27If you said your mother's an old, ugly pig in a big burka, you'd go, how fucking dare you?
02:32Your mother's an old whore, well, thanks.
02:36I have a compliment.
02:38Sorry, you think being called a whore is a compliment?
02:40If you don't have a tampon in your purse, you're glad someone thinks of you sexually.
02:44Absolutely.
02:47What is a terrorist whore? How does that work?
02:49A terrorist whore is a woman who's sexy but heavy around the middle because she's wearing a bomb.
02:53Right.
02:56I think there's another thing, an important point to make about the World Cup.
02:59One of the reasons that the Italians won there was that they were a very fresh team.
03:02They had lots of energy, compared to other teams.
03:04And that's because Italian football is, well, we all know it's fixed.
03:08So technically, they haven't played a competitive match all season, those players.
03:12The whole season, they've been playing games where they just kick off, knock it back a bit.
03:15Time for the penalty? Yeah, go on, over you go.
03:18Are you a football fan? Do you want to play in soccer?
03:20I don't understand. I'm not. I'm Jewish.
03:23We don't play sports, we sell you the equipment.
03:26I mean, it's just...
03:28The saddest thing I saw, the whole World Cup, was after England went out, I went into a supermarket.
03:33And on special offer, they had half-price England World Cup celebration cakes.
03:38Who, in their right mind, if England won the World Cup, would go,
03:42Hooray!
03:49England!
03:50England!
03:51Just cake spraying everywhere.
03:53Everyone's going,
03:54Oh, boy!
03:55Come on!
03:56I want a cake!
03:58Shall we have a look and see whether the World Cup and Zinedine Zidane
04:01is one of the most talked about things this week?
04:03Yes, of course it is. The number one talking point.
04:06Zinedine Zidane head-butted an Italian player who accused his mother of being a terrorist whore.
04:11Zidane was brought up single-handedly by his mother, who had to work two jobs.
04:15She was a terrorist and a whore.
04:20Obviously, we don't mean that.
04:22Sean, Eamon and Vic, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:25David Cameron's got another attention-grabbing headline scheme idea,
04:29where we should apparently understand teenage hood-wearing characters.
04:33He wants to cuddle them in the park, doesn't he?
04:35He thinks things through.
04:36Because teenagers, the last thing they want is cuddles, isn't it?
04:39What's he got planned for goths?
04:41They don't want to be cuddled.
04:42For goths.
04:43When I see a goth, I don't see a goth. I don't see an individual goth.
04:45I see two disappointed parents.
04:52And they're thinking,
04:53They're thinking, he used to be such a lovely boy, now he looks like a slutty girl.
04:58Joan, are people wearing hoodies a problem in the States?
05:00I don't know.
05:01At my age, when I see someone coming at me with a hood,
05:03I run, because I figure it's the Grim Reaper.
05:08Did he say he formed his opinions after watching that film, Kidulthood?
05:11Yeah, he did, yeah.
05:12So his criminal justice act's going to be based on what, Police Academy 6?
05:18Holly, any thoughts on hoodies? Do you like them?
05:20I don't think I want to hug one.
05:22They might nick my wallet while I'm giving them a cuddle.
05:25I'll be honest, I think if they get a hug from you, they will have other things on their minds.
05:29Even more easier about you.
05:31I don't think they'll be thinking about that, I think the blood might be somewhere else.
05:36He just comes out with stupid statements all the time.
05:38Nobody would be surprised if he said something like,
05:40I've got an idea, elastic houses.
05:45It's small, if there's only two of you, but if you've got some people around, you just stretch it out.
05:50There we go, elastic houses.
05:52That's a good idea.
05:55Moon harnesses.
05:58Really?
05:59Yeah.
06:00Why?
06:01It just could work. Throw a harness over the moon, two handles pull it near.
06:06It comes nearer and nearer and nearer, we get more gravity and begin to float.
06:13It makes sense.
06:14You're a one man think tank.
06:17OK, well let's have a look and see whether Cameron's campaign for hoodies is one of the top five most talked about things.
06:21It is, but it is, but it is.
06:25The Sun has launched a campaign to hug a hoodie, or in other words, restrain them until the police arrive.
06:32OK, Dave, Joan and Holly, what else have the nation been talking about?
06:35Artificial sperm.
06:36Artificial sperm.
06:38Men won't be needed anymore.
06:39Yes they will, until a Petri dish can buy you a diamond bracelet.
06:43They will still be needed.
06:45You romantic you.
06:48No, but it upset me terribly, because I belong to Ower Eaters Anonymous, and sperm is 450 calories a swallow.
06:57So if they're going to find this new sperm, make it no-cow sperm.
07:01Sperm-lite.
07:02Sperm-lite.
07:03Sperm-lite.
07:04It makes sense. Think about it.
07:06You know, you're dieting all day, and then you go...
07:18You should think very carefully before they make men redundant, because there are consequences.
07:24Who's going to bring the bins out?
07:25It's very true.
07:26The summer's going to be ruined. Who's going to do the barbecue?
07:28I think some little things have missed. Like, who's going to put all the ships in the bottles?
07:31Yeah.
07:35I reckon in six months, they'll all be living in caves.
07:38They'll be tidy, though.
07:39Yeah.
07:40OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
07:44Yes, it is.
07:45Yes, this week, fertility scientists have produced mice using artificial sperm.
07:49There were worries in the tabloid press that the artificial creation of sperm will make men redundant.
07:54Fortunately, the sperm are kept in jam jars, so you'll need a man to get the lid off.
08:01OK, over to you, Sean.
08:02I think that cash for peerages, that's bound to be there.
08:06That Lord Levy, he's actually...
08:08He's a lord, and he's been accused of selling cash for peerages, and raising money for Labour Party,
08:13and he's been arrested.
08:14And Tony Blair may be questioned by police, may be taken down to a police station.
08:18Do you know anything about this at all, Joan?
08:20Very little. I just know that Tony Blair was upset, and he head-butted Lord Levy.
08:26That's all I heard.
08:28But I believe in that. I think if you can get to be...
08:31Look at Dame Edna.
08:32It suddenly brings to light a lot of people. You say, how?
08:36Dame Edna.
08:37Dame Edna.
08:38Dame Edna is one of the examples you're bringing in here.
08:40Lord Snooty.
08:41Yes.
08:44Cary Duckiller, how did he get his title?
08:47There's your answer.
08:48Something gone on there.
08:50Joan, seriously, would you be interested in being a Lord of the Realm?
08:52In a second, because I could slap servants so easily.
08:56I look at my... Oh, Naomi Campbell, she is my idol now.
09:00She just goes around slapping...
09:02Here, just slap someone that's on your level, they'll hit you back, you know.
09:06But Naomi Campbell just says, you stupid bitch.
09:09Whap, whap, whap.
09:10Now bring my tea.
09:12Thank you.
09:13And I just think that's fabulous.
09:16Should we have a look and see where that Lord Levy is up there?
09:18Yeah, I think we've tackled the subject in depth, Tim.
09:25Fingers on buzzers. One more to go. What else is the next one going to be talking about?
09:28Is it where they're going to build loads of nuclear power stations to cater for our energy demands in the future?
09:34But people say they're not safe.
09:35Well, I interviewed the industry secretary during the week, Alastair Darling, and the whole question of safety,
09:40there's a lot of concern about that, and he said it's not a problem that he would give it three thumbs up.
09:49Well, I think they should consult the people of Sellafield.
09:52Well, I went beachcombing near Sellafield, and there's a crab with paws.
09:59Actually, furry paws, and he was licking his lips.
10:04Where is this beach?
10:05It's near Morecambe, it's the only place you can have a puddle and get your feet saturated at the same time.
10:10I can't imagine anyone who would want to live next to a nuclear power station.
10:14Where are they going to put them? There's just going to be such an uproar about it.
10:17On the moon.
10:19It's the solution to everything.
10:20Of course it is. It's a big redundant ball of shite.
10:26But there is no solution so far to the energy crisis. One of the solutions has been put forward.
10:31David Cameron's put a windmill on his house, hasn't he?
10:33Yeah.
10:34That's what it does. It doesn't power any electricity. It powers his crackpot ideas machine.
10:40He's got it in his kitchen. He's just wearing it round.
10:42Dook-a-dook-a-dook-a-dook.
10:43Hug a hoodie.
10:46Money trees. Wow.
10:48The thing is, as well, it's like they go,
10:49oh, yeah, we can't just burn fossil fuels because, you know, our children are our children's children.
10:53Is it just me that thinks...
10:54Fuck them.
10:58Not probably.
11:01Right, let's have a look and see whether nuclear power is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
11:06Yes, it is.
11:07Yes, the government has given a go-ahead for a new wave of nuclear power stations to be built in the UK.
11:13They should also build wind farms next to them.
11:15That way, when it all goes wrong, the fallout will be blown towards France.
11:21At the end of that round, I can tell you Sean's team have three points, Dave's team have two points.
11:28The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:30We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world,
11:33and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:35Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
11:38so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:40Here is your first one.
11:4150% of Brits think what is a good way to protect your home?
11:45Pebble dash it.
11:47Everyone thinks you're skint.
11:50Just have a few porcelain animals in there.
11:52A clock with Elvis on it, or something like that.
11:55You just have shit in your house.
11:57I've got a clock with Elvis on it.
11:59What's wrong with that?
12:02It's usually a mirror as well, and I don't like it.
12:06You obviously like Elvis. Well, you look a bit like him.
12:08It doesn't make sense, because you're like a double.
12:14Joan, any thoughts on how to protect your home?
12:16Just look weird.
12:18OK, Joan.
12:22They'll cross the street to avoid you.
12:26Come on in, little boy.
12:32Would you like a cookie?
12:40How do you protect your house, Vic?
12:42Well, I suppose it's a portcullis.
12:47It involves getting together with a group of people.
12:49Neighbourhood watch.
12:50Correct answer. Well done, Eamonn Holmes.
12:53Yes, 50% of Brits think joining Neighbourhood Watch
12:56is a good way to protect your home.
12:58There's a thin line between Neighbourhood Watch
13:00and keeping Tom.
13:01I've reported several things to the police,
13:03like the shocking lack of foreplay at number 47.
13:07OK, next question.
13:0813% of what say their job puts people off dating them?
13:12Paperboys.
13:16Paperboys? I don't think you can stop Joan.
13:20Come in, little boy.
13:27Vic, any thoughts? What job would not attract you to someone?
13:29I expect it's lepers.
13:35A hangman. A hangman would be horrible.
13:37Somebody has to do it.
13:38I'll give you a clue.
13:45Is it an evil dentist?
13:49Yes, it is.
13:55We want the points, Vic.
13:58I'm going to have to tell you what this is.
13:5913% of teachers say their job puts people off dating them.
14:02I suppose it's hard to find the time to meet people
14:04when you don't finish work till 3.30 in the afternoon.
14:08So at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean's team
14:10and two points to Dave's team.
14:14Join us after the break when we'll be finding out
14:16what you think about new-age therapies.
14:27Welcome back.
14:29The next round is Believe It or Not.
14:31In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
14:33All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:36Dave, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
14:39There are many modern cults,
14:41but only Transcendental Meditation will teach you to fly.
14:45It's literally doing this and getting up and doing it.
14:51An athlete would obviously be able to get further.
14:54The more... the lighter you are to the relationship of the power in your legs,
14:58the further you will get.
15:14Yogic Flying Man, here is your related statistic.
15:1736% of Brits think that new-age therapies are utter nonsense.
15:21Do you think that's true or false?
15:23I was very sceptical and then I wasn't feeling well
15:26and they said, try one of those organic coffee enemas
15:31and it worked like a million bucks.
15:34They threw me out of Starbucks, I can never go back.
15:38I went to Hong Kong when I was really ill
15:40and I went to a traditional herbalist Chinese shop
15:43and I went in and tried to communicate.
15:45I did that stupid thing that we do and I went,
15:47soar, soar, shiver, shiver.
15:51I don't know why I shiver.
15:53You have anything for me?
15:57Night nurse.
16:01I recently got attuned in Reiki.
16:03Oh, that's channeling...
16:05It's kind of like a healing energy that you are the channel for.
16:09And it's really weird because I think it really works.
16:11Sorry, do you want to buy some magic beans?
16:14You can do Reiki as well, can't you?
16:16I used to be a hippie, I've sort of, I've moved on.
16:19What's that? What's that?
16:21But she does Reiki?
16:22Do you make her?
16:25Quite right.
16:26What did she look like that was doing the Reiki?
16:28What did she look like?
16:29Yeah, it was like this gorgeous girl doing Reiki of you.
16:33It was like, ooooh.
16:36I think that makes a big difference with a man.
16:41If we were both Reiki instructors, who would make you guys feel better?
16:46Come on, shut your eyes.
16:48Come on, Howie.
16:49Shut your eyes so you won't know who does which first.
16:51Now, one of us is going to go on one side, one of us is going to go on the other side.
16:54Right, you're going to what, heal me?
17:11Which side felt better?
17:12I think the left hand side felt like it would be slightly more expensive.
17:17And the right hand side felt like if you're on a budget in a hurry, why not?
17:22Which side was which?
17:23I was the budget in a hurry.
17:24Thanks.
17:28I wish you'd have gone further, but you were probably thinking of the calories, weren't you?
17:3236% of Brits think new age therapies are utter nonsense.
17:36True or false?
17:3736%, I'd say that's true.
17:39I can tell you the answer is true.
17:43Yes, 36% of Brits think new age therapies are utter nonsense.
17:47It's sad that they're so cynical, but it's probably just because their chakras are closed.
17:52Sean, Vic and Eamon, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:56Sean, Vic and Eamon, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:02You may have met a few people who like doing this sort of thing.
18:06It's a nuisance, I agree, but pretty hard.
18:09You have certainly seen thousands like this.
18:12They're not a nuisance, they're a real danger.
18:16Stop it!
18:17Come here, what do you think you're up to?
18:19You've probably infected thousands of people already.
18:22What do you think this is for?
18:25Close your eyes.
18:30Close your eyes.
18:36Now, handkerchief, sneeze.
18:39Handkerchief, sneeze.
18:40See what I mean?
18:44That's the idea.
18:51Well, that was a public information film about sneezing etiquette.
18:54To illustrate your statistic, 71% of people say that British manners are worse than they've ever been.
19:00True or false?
19:01Piss off.
19:05I'll tell you what really upsets me, is minicab drivers.
19:08You find out if a minicab's come to your house and they hoot the horn outside your house.
19:12They don't come and knock, they hoot your horn.
19:14And suddenly I just feel like I'm his girlfriend or something.
19:18I'm actually sitting there in his car like...
19:21And I'm thinking, don't...
19:22Who?
19:23Come and get me.
19:25People who knock on the door once.
19:32Who does that?
19:33Minicab drivers.
19:34Do they?
19:35If they're not just outside honking the horn, they come in and go...
19:38And do you know what is that?
19:39There's a pan falling off the...
19:43Joan, do you think we've got better manners than the Americans?
19:46Oh, I think so.
19:47I think so.
19:48Once in the last 21 years, a man opened a car door for me.
19:52Once.
19:53And we were on the motorway at the time.
19:58Had it with you, bitch.
20:0071% of people say that British manners are worse than they've ever been.
20:04Do you think that's true or false?
20:05Is it true?
20:06I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:10Yes, 71% of Brits think that manners have never been worse.
20:14The other day I stood up for a pregnant woman on the bus.
20:16Well, I wasn't going to fight her sitting down.
20:19So at the end of that round, it's six points for Sean's team and three points for Dave's team.
20:25And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:27I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls.
20:29It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:32Here is your first one.
20:33What's the best thing about getting old?
20:39Why me?
20:41I think it's that you start to lose your memory and Alzheimer's.
20:46Have I told you this already?
20:49I was at a family do a while ago and I was in the bathroom.
20:52And I was in the bathroom, shut the bathroom door and went,
20:54what the fuck, what am I doing in here?
20:58I don't think I want the toilet.
20:59Do I want the toilet?
21:01No, I don't want the toilet.
21:03Maybe I'm washing my hands.
21:04Maybe that's something in my teeth.
21:06No idea.
21:07And what they say is go back to the place you set off from.
21:09So back in the lounge, there you go, straight away,
21:11Uncle's having a heart attack, I've gone for his tablets.
21:21It's also very easy getting down, but it's very hard getting up.
21:25Right.
21:26Which is why Clinton never slept with a girl over 30,
21:28because she couldn't get out in time.
21:31She'd be like, down there, here comes Hillary.
21:40This one.
21:43That one is there.
21:44The most depressing thing about getting older?
21:46Tutting at things.
21:48I tutted at a squirrel the other day.
21:51What had the squirrel done?
21:52He tried to make a leap from like, it was really silly,
21:55he was never going to do it.
21:56Two trees and the branches were so far apart.
21:59And he went up there and I thought, he's not going to try and do that.
22:03And he tried and went...
22:06No one's got the right answer yet.
22:07Is it dying?
22:08Is it dying?
22:09Yeah.
22:10Look at your team-mates and reconsider that answer.
22:16The red steps.
22:18Alright.
22:21Is it illness?
22:22That's the great answer.
22:26Most annoying thing about supermarkets?
22:29Is it the veg on entry?
22:31Never understood that.
22:32Why do they put the vegetables, all the vegetables and the fruit, first to go in?
22:36You haven't bought your meat or your fish yet,
22:38so you don't know what you're going to have with it, do you?
22:41You kind of have to guess what meat they might have,
22:43buy the appropriate vegetables to suit that meal,
22:47but you don't even know what you're going to have yet.
22:49You've just got to, in this dream, hope, for God's sake,
22:52they've got chops.
22:54Because I've bought potatoes and I've bought some broccoli,
22:57and that goes with chops.
22:58If you've got no chops, I've got it all the way back there.
23:03Word for word.
23:05Hayman, do you ever go to supermarkets anymore?
23:07Of course I do.
23:08You open them?
23:11Yeah, every morning at six.
23:14Q's.
23:15That is the correct answer.
23:16I knew it!
23:19I'll tell you who I blame for the Q's at supermarkets.
23:21Girls Aloud.
23:23Yeah, there's a Morrison somewhere, five checkout girls short.
23:31Well, that sales tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:33which means the final scores are Sean, Vic and Hayman have eight points,
23:36Dave, Joan and Holly have four points, so Sean Seam are the winners.
23:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:43and to all of you for watching at home.
23:45We'll see you next month for our Big Brother special.
23:47Until then, goodnight.
23:52And Vic Reams takes part in a brand new series next week
23:54about the stuff we all used to get up to at school,
23:56The Law for Playground, next Friday at 9.30.
23:59Next at four, Nicky's about to say bye-bye in the Big Brother live eviction,
24:02and after that, Ian Wright is the host for The Friday Night Project at half-ten.