8 Out of 10 Cats. S04 E07.

  • last month
First broadcast 1st December 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Vic Reeves
Jade Goody
Chris Addison
John Barrowman

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:15-♪♪
00:19Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats,
00:22country squire Vic Reed,
00:25intergalactic hero John Barrowman,
00:28and their captain, John Locke.
00:31And facing them tonight,
00:33oh, goody, it's Jade Goody,
00:36from the pick of it, Chris Addison,
00:39and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:43Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:51Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats,
00:54a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:56Did you know, for example, 60% of cosmetic surgery patients
01:00are disappointed with the results,
01:02although they look pleasantly surprised.
01:05A quarter of the over-50s are failing to save.
01:08It's Control-S, you old buffers.
01:12While abroad, two-thirds of Brits are more sexually adventurous.
01:16So, look out, Iraq.
01:20And one in four Brits claims that their post has been lost or stolen.
01:25Well, I can reassure you, it was definitely stolen.
01:28Let's get started.
01:30APPLAUSE
01:37What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:42and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:45It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking point.
01:49Sss.
01:51That definitely needed an S on the end of it, didn't it?
01:55Talking point. Sss.
01:58Do the S again. Sss.
02:01Yeah, it's...
02:03It could be one of mine.
02:08Dave, Jake and Chris, what have the nation been talking about this week?
02:11Take that aback with the Inland Revenue Tour, I think it is, basically.
02:16It's not front page news, surely to God.
02:18They've got no... The Beatles have had a hit album.
02:20There's a lady going through the menopause as we speak.
02:25That's how Take That fans speak.
02:27What?
02:28They don't use words, they just go, whoo!
02:31How are you today? Whoo-hoo!
02:34Want a cup of tea? Whoo!
02:37Childline set up a hotline right after Take That and split up.
02:41In 1996, the Samaritans set up a special helpline for distraught fans.
02:45It's the only time the Samaritans have ever been allowed to use the words,
02:48oh, grow up.
02:52On the sponge.
02:54Just fucking grow up.
02:56Why are they called Take That? What's the name mean?
02:58On their video, they had this thing saying,
03:00if you don't like it, throw it in the bin, take that.
03:03That's my favourite thing you've ever said.
03:06Those are the instructions that come with their video.
03:08Well, they said it, they said it.
03:10I've watched it in my caravan with my friends.
03:13Wow.
03:15I imagine that was a par-tay.
03:19Let's see if Take That at number one is up there.
03:22Yes, it is.
03:24Yes, Take That have returned to the top of the charts.
03:27The reunion took longer than expected to put together
03:29because no-one could remember who Howard was.
03:32They spent six months rehearsing with a bloke from the Halifax advert.
03:37APPLAUSE
03:40Vic, Sean and Jon, what have The Nation been talking about this week?
03:43I think they're talking about Michael Grade
03:46going from the BBC over to ITV.
03:50You know, they're saying he got something like eight million
03:52and he's saying he didn't do it for the money.
03:54No. Rubbish.
03:56He's genuinely saying that, though.
03:58He's going to come out in the press and go, it's not about the money.
04:00I don't do a job for the money. What the hell do you do it for?
04:03He said he did it for the challenge.
04:05The challenge being getting all that money in a wheelbarrow.
04:09ITV said it was a real coup.
04:11It's not, is it? No.
04:13A real coup would be when ITV's tanks actually roll into television centre.
04:17That would be... A real coup?
04:19That would be an actual coup.
04:21ITV have done it because ITV apparently is not doing very well at the moment.
04:26So they've stolen Chief from Channel One.
04:29Stolen? Stolen, I mean.
04:32Chief from Channel One to come over and do it.
04:35But what really muddles my brain is...
04:40What muddles your brain?
04:42What muddles my brain is if they've got all that money to offer him,
04:45why don't they just make better TV programmes?
04:52I hope he finally ends Coronation Street
04:54because this first series is really dragging on.
04:58You know what he's doing to Coronation Street? What?
05:00He's going to be CSI Weatherfield.
05:03Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
05:06Yes, indeed it is.
05:08Yes, Michael Grave has announced he's moving to ITV.
05:11ITV needs him. They're in trouble.
05:13I tried to take the Mint the other night and my Sky Plus box started crying.
05:19Dave, Chris, Jade, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:21Chris. Hiya. Hiya.
05:23What have you been talking about? Oh, well.
05:25I've been talking about this Royal Editor of the News of the World, Dave.
05:28Oh, yeah, they've been listening in to people's phone calls.
05:30Yes, I was listening to stuff.
05:32But they've actually been tapping into the voicemail.
05:34That's how they do it, they hack into the voicemail and put some sort of code in.
05:37If you were phoning up a royal like Prince Charles,
05:39you wouldn't leave, like, an important message on voicemail.
05:42If he doesn't answer, you're not going to leave... It's not going to happen, is it?
05:44You're not going to pick up any real news.
05:46It's not going to be like the Queen phoning Prince Charles and going,
05:48Hello, Charles, Mum here. I think I'll abdicate.
05:50Give us a ring later on. You know, it...
05:53It's not going to happen, is it?
05:54No, you'd text that, wouldn't you? Yeah.
05:57The Queen doesn't use a phone. She does.
05:59She doesn't use... No, she hasn't.
06:00She has a big chain of butlers and they just whisper messages along.
06:04God, they're mild.
06:07Let's see if it's up there.
06:12Yes, indeed it is. A News of the World journalist has admitted tapping royal phones.
06:16The journalist will soon be sending messages of his own to his cellmate in Morse code
06:19by clenching and unclenching his buttocks.
06:22Was that a dot or a dash?
06:23Please get out of my bin.
06:28Sean, over to you.
06:29What else have the nation been talking about this week?
06:31The Pope went to Turkey, which sounds like the start of a joke, doesn't it?
06:35The Pope went to Turkey.
06:37The Pope ate a turkey.
06:40He went to Turkey and there was a lot of protests.
06:42I think the interesting thing about it was when he looked at his diary on the Monday
06:45and he went, Turkey? Wednesday? Who put this in?
06:48It is dangerous for him to go to Turkey, though, because it's a very sunny country
06:51and Popes can die in those Pope-mobiles if the Archbishop who's driving them
06:55doesn't crack the window when he...
06:58Are you saying Pope's dying hot cars?
07:00Pope's dying hot car-mobiles, that's what happens.
07:02That may be the most limiting safety campaign ever launched.
07:05If you can save just one life.
07:09Well, I can tell you that the Pope isn't one of the most talked about things this week,
07:11but he did make an official visit to Turkey.
07:13The Pope, ever the diplomat, was very happy.
07:15He said, at least I think it was a warm welcome from what I could understand
07:18of their jibber-jabber language.
07:22Fingers up, buzzers. What else have people been talking about this week?
07:25We think it's the fallout from this KGB poisoning.
07:28That still rumbles on. There seems to be three suspects.
07:30It's either Putin and the Kremlin.
07:32It's either enemies of Putin and the Kremlin who have tried to discredit him.
07:35Or it's a group of ex-KGB spies led by a guy called Igor the Poisoner.
07:41The police said the death was suspicious.
07:43Yeah.
07:44I don't think they should upgrade it to fucking suspicious.
07:49Is he having a traditional Russian burial where they put them in a little coffin
07:52inside a bigger coffin, inside a much bigger coffin?
08:00I think you're fine, David.
08:01A traditional Russian burial, you have to dig your own grave.
08:03Oh, I don't think so.
08:06I think you're fine, David.
08:07A traditional Russian burial, you have to dig your own grave.
08:09Oh, I don't think so.
08:12But don't blame me, blame Stalin.
08:14No, on a serious note, we did that because it was on the planes.
08:18Yeah.
08:19It was in a bag.
08:20Yeah.
08:21Unless they put it in TK Maxx, you'll be fine.
08:26They found it in a restaurant.
08:27They found it in two hotels.
08:29On a humpback whale.
08:31A humpback whale's got a ten-foot dick, hasn't it?
08:34Sounds like the start of a song.
08:36Oh, the humpback whale's got a ten-foot cock.
08:39Doo-dah, doo-dah.
08:41The humpback whale's got a ten-foot cock and it's all hard as a rock.
08:44That's it.
08:47I think I've won money on you singing in the first ten minutes.
08:51Definitely quite a long way to kill him.
08:53It's a lot of effort, isn't it?
08:55It kills him by radiation.
08:57Why don't we just shoot him?
08:58No.
08:59We're going to kill him by radiation.
09:00I think maybe the KGB are having some kind of union issues with their snipers.
09:05The interesting thing about this is the KGB aren't called the KGB anymore.
09:09They're called the FSB, which worries me because I think I've bought a sofa from them.
09:20Let's see if the Russian poisoning is up there.
09:24Yes, it is.
09:26This is the ongoing poisoning story.
09:28Doctors are advising anyone who's come into contact with polonium-210
09:32to shit their liver out and then move house.
09:38Okay, fingers on buzzers. What else have the nation been talking about?
09:41People have been talking about the fact that England lost the first test of the ashes.
09:45What have they been saying, then?
09:46Oh.
09:47Oh.
09:49Oh, dude.
09:51No, he knew it.
09:53Our best chance we've got to keep the ashes is give up cricket.
09:59They didn't play their best bowler, which is a good idea because they should, you know...
10:03Who's he, then?
10:04Monty Panasar.
10:05Actually, Australia have never declared independence, so technically, we always win.
10:13Vic, do you watch cricket?
10:14I like the fellow with the glass eye.
10:18Has he told what sort of bloke you talked about before?
10:20Who? Who up for it?
10:21That cricketer that you mentioned.
10:22Monty Panasar?
10:23Him, with the glass eye.
10:25He's got a glass eye?
10:26Yeah.
10:29Prove it.
10:30You can prove it.
10:37What's that say there?
10:49That's evidence.
10:50That's proof.
10:51Look, what's it say there?
10:52Proof.
10:55Thing is, it's not him because he's got a turban, Monty Panasar.
10:57He took it off on that shot.
11:02Hold on a sec.
11:03That's not a photo.
11:06I've never seen what the ashes look like.
11:08So when you say ashes, I do presume, obviously, when someone dies, that they get turned into ashes.
11:14So what, did you do that? I didn't realise you were Catholic. Can we have that again?
11:17When someone dies, I don't know...
11:19What the fuck is that?
11:21I don't want to die.
11:23She's showing people who I don't want to die. It's me.
11:26I don't want to die. My face doesn't want to die. Neither are these fellas.
11:35Let's have a look and see if the ashes is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:40Yes, it is.
11:42Yes, the ashes continue.
11:43I guess if England wants to enjoy a sporting victory, we're just going to have to wait until Wimbledon.
11:47Come on, Tim.
11:51At the end of that round, it's two points for Sean's team and three points for Dave's team.
11:56The next round is called the poll with a hole. Dave, Jake and Chris, here's your first one.
12:0133% of young men say they would what just to impress their friends?
12:05Anything. They're mad. They're idiots. Climb a pylon, boom a goat, punch a nun. Anything.
12:1133% of young men say they would spunk on a cracker and eat it just to impress their friends.
12:17On a cracker?
12:19No, but that's a big thing in the States with collard greens.
12:21Chocolate digestive, of course.
12:24Of course it's not.
12:25Fig roll.
12:28I don't like fig rolls. I'm allergic. I'm not allergic to them, but I won't eat them.
12:31Why?
12:33Do you not agree with him?
12:34When I was a little kid, I went to a party and there was a game of pin the tail on the donkey and I cheated.
12:41I went like that.
12:42And I pinned it straight on, first go.
12:44Obviously, I thought, got away with it.
12:46And the prize was some fig rolls.
12:49And not only did I cheat, I was greedy as well.
12:51And I ran off and I ate all the fig rolls in one go.
12:55Then I was sick.
12:57And strangely, the thing I didn't learn from that was, don't cheat.
13:00I learned, don't like fig rolls.
13:0933% of young men say they would what just to impress their friends?
13:13Would have a willy implant.
13:15A willy implant?
13:17You make it longer. I watched a programme on it the other day.
13:19Willy extension.
13:20Ah, see.
13:22I'm thinking of having a conservatory put on the end of mine.
13:27For the summer months.
13:30It's a devil to get the planning permission, isn't it?
13:32With something that size, Chris, it is difficult, yes.
13:37Vic, what do you think young men do to impress their friends?
13:39Well, it's obvious. Spend a week in a coal bunker.
13:44Calculate pi.
13:487,000 points.
13:50No, it's not pi, but it has to do with eating something.
13:53No, when I said calculate pi, I meant the mathematical equation, not pi.
13:57Yeah, but words can mean two things at the same time.
14:00Eat a really hot curry.
14:02Exactly the right answer.
14:04Yay!
14:07Yes, 33% of young men say they would eat an unbearably hot curry
14:11just to impress their friends.
14:13Yes, I'll have a number 68, with a number 33,
14:15followed by an extremely painful number 2.
14:19Sean, Vic and John, 99% of the over 50s say
14:21that what has got more difficult over the last ten years?
14:24Being under 40.
14:28Personally.
14:33But there's still 1% that it's not a problem for.
14:37But who is that person?
14:39The time travellers, yeah.
14:41Exactly.
14:42I can't live forever, I'm just not able to die.
14:45It's the doctor who can only live forever.
14:47This is really scary, cos I talk about it like it's actually real.
14:52How frightening is that?
14:54Quite frightening close up.
14:56Over 50s, imagine Countdown.
14:59It's got a lot tougher over the last ten years.
15:02Your brain's going smaller and smaller,
15:04cos it gets to that's how you die, isn't it?
15:06As you get older, you get smaller and smaller,
15:08then it pops out of your ear, then you die.
15:12I'm speaking as an over 50 here.
15:14Remembering stuff.
15:16As you get older, you just forget all sorts of shit.
15:18It's like if you're looking for scissors,
15:20you have to incorporate a little mime when you get to a certain age.
15:23You're going like, scissors, scissors, scissors.
15:25Is that going to help?
15:27Is that some sort of scissor diviner that's going to go,
15:29there they are, there they are.
15:31Sudoku?
15:32No, that only came along a couple of years ago.
15:34When the holiday came back, there was two new phenomenons.
15:37Happy slapping and sudoku.
15:39Which one did you go for?
15:42I used to happy slap people who were doing sudoku.
15:45OK, 99% of the over 50s say that
15:47what has got more difficult over the last ten years?
15:49Come on, Vic, we need these points.
15:51What, playing the bazooki? I don't know.
15:54Walking up the stairs.
15:55Oh, sorry.
15:56It's all right.
15:57Sorry, I just don't come into my head.
15:59Best to get it out quickly,
16:00you don't want any stuff clogging up in there.
16:04I'll give you a clue.
16:05It's to do with being all fingers and thumbs.
16:07Opening a milk carton.
16:09I'll give you that. Opening packaging.
16:15Yes, 99% of the over 50s say that
16:17opening packaging has got more difficult in the last ten years.
16:20The survey was originally about Scottish devolution,
16:23but they witted on about packaging anyway.
16:26So at the end of that round,
16:27Sean, Vic and John have three points,
16:29Dave, Jade and Chris have four points.
16:32Join me after the break,
16:33where we'll be finding out how you'd react
16:35if you saw a man walk on water.
16:48Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
16:50The next round is Believe It Or Not.
16:52Everyone, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
16:55Hey, praise the Lord Jesus, this one.
16:58Get the writing on the back.
17:01All praise the Lord.
17:03All praise the Lord.
17:05All praise the Lord.
17:09Praise God.
17:11Well, it's all fixed in Jesus' name.
17:13We're just, we're just standing in faith.
17:15Amen.
17:16Amen.
17:17That's right.
17:18Have you got a spare wheel?
17:20Well, I don't know whether it's there,
17:22but I know in faith that we've got one.
17:24Amen.
17:25I didn't know that we had no MOT.
17:27Because we were on our way to a glory meeting,
17:29I knew we didn't have a worry.
17:31You see, God doesn't see the MOT.
17:34Because we've got the Lord Jesus Christ with us,
17:37each and every one of us on this bus,
17:39we've been saved today.
17:41We are very, very lucky.
17:42God bless you.
17:52Damn this cheaping bus!
17:55God doesn't see the MOT.
17:59He doesn't like it if you're untaxed, though.
18:02Here is your related statistic.
18:0462% of Brits say they would believe in God
18:07if they saw a man walk on water.
18:09Is that true or false?
18:10Could be ice.
18:11You could be walking on ice.
18:12Technically, on ice, there's a thin layer of water on top
18:16that keeps the ice smooth.
18:17So you are walking on water.
18:19So there is a God.
18:21Many Brits are quite cynical.
18:22I think 62% of Brits wouldn't believe in God
18:25if they saw God walking on water.
18:28David Copperfield walked through the Great Wall of China once.
18:31Saw it.
18:32So he could do it, couldn't he?
18:33He made the Taj Mahal disappear.
18:35Indian tourist board would live it.
18:37Jay, do you believe in God?
18:39I don't just want to sit here and say,
18:40no, I don't believe in God, and I get engraved,
18:42and that's the end of me.
18:43I'd like to think that I could come back as a bee, I think.
18:46You know, most people now have in their wills
18:48that they want to be buried with their mobile phone
18:51on a full charge,
18:53just in case they're not dead and they wake up,
18:55they can call somebody before we get them out.
18:57They're not going to get a signal.
19:00If I was buried with my phone, and I'd like to wake up,
19:03I'd start phoning people up, going,
19:04oh, it's me.
19:10I'd never like to be buried with my phone.
19:14I'd never liked you.
19:18There's a rapper in the States buried in his Cadillac,
19:20because they couldn't find a coffin that was big enough for him,
19:22he was so big, and they buried him in the Cadillac.
19:24Get you out your arse with a crane if you're overweight in America.
19:27That's a bit harsh, that.
19:29I think the best way to get someone out,
19:30someone really big, out of a house,
19:32is with one of those mincing machines.
19:39It does make me worry, though.
19:40What?
19:41Because I like to eat a bit,
19:42and if I ever did overindulge more than what I normally do,
19:45and I did fall asleep, and then woke up,
19:48and I was like, massive.
19:51Out of daddy's arse.
19:53So you're talking about actually having a big meal,
19:55and then just going...
19:58Oh, if you live in a cartoon.
20:00Maybe she's got a ripcord.
20:05OK, back to God.
20:0762% of Brits say they would believe in God
20:09if they saw a man walk on water.
20:11Is that true or false?
20:12We're so used to illusionists, brilliant illusionists,
20:14like Mr Blaine, or Paul Daniels, even.
20:17The way he passed himself off as a magician all those years.
20:21I think they'd say, no, it's false.
20:22What about over here, what do you think?
20:24We're going to say true.
20:25Captain's decision, yeah, 62%.
20:27True.
20:28Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
20:30Yes.
20:35Yes, just 20% of Brits say they would believe in God
20:38if they saw a man walk on water.
20:40Interestingly, 37% of people would believe in God
20:42if they saw a man come back from the dead.
20:44Have they not seen Deal or No Deal?
20:46It's happened.
20:51So at the end of that round, it's four points for Sean's team
20:53and four points for Dave's team.
20:57And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:59I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
21:01and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:04Here is your first one.
21:05Britain's most disappointing day trip.
21:08Asra.
21:11I think the most disappointing day trip would be
21:13to a diabetic's birthday party.
21:18What the fuck, you wouldn't get any cake?
21:20But if you like hummus...
21:25Vic, you've been on a few day trips in your time, surely?
21:28The most disappointing one was the sun.
21:31Very hot and sweaty.
21:33Have you any proof that you went to the sun?
21:35Probably somewhere.
21:39A copper! A copper!
21:50Most disappointing day trip.
21:52Is it Madame Tussauds after a fire?
21:57You are absolutely right, it is Madame Tussauds.
22:02Yes, Britain's most disappointing day trip is Madame Tussauds.
22:05It's basically novelty candles.
22:08Top thing to do before you're ten.
22:11Is get to nine.
22:14That's got to be right up there, isn't it?
22:16Surely, surely.
22:17I think it's appearing you've been framed
22:19falling backwards off a slide and crushing a hamster.
22:24Get adopted by Madonna.
22:28Go to Neverland and drink Jesus juice.
22:31Oh, come on!
22:34You'll find it.
22:36I tell you, when I was ten, if they'd given me the option...
22:39You want to do what with me?
22:40There's a funfair.
22:43I'll be right over, yeah.
22:46Vic, any thoughts?
22:47Well, it'll be ride a sea serpent to Bambury Cross.
22:51No doubt.
22:53Do you have any proof, Vic?
23:06I've got a speeding charge coming up.
23:08Could you come and draw a picture of my car going quite slow?
23:10No worries, I'll just...
23:17I'll do a picture of you in your car
23:19with slow written above it.
23:22Well, that is all they'll need,
23:23because they've sent me a picture of the car going quite fast.
23:27Why not just have him not in the car at all?
23:29Well, I don't think that's a good idea.
23:32Why not just have him not in the car at all?
23:34Exactly, I'll put someone else in the car.
23:38Brezhnev.
23:41OK, top thing to do before you're ten?
23:43It's an overnight thing.
23:44Camp!
23:45Correct.
23:49Yes, the top thing to do before you're ten is camp out in the garden.
23:52Camping with your child is a great way to teach them about wildlife.
23:55That's an owl, that's a fox, that rustling sound
23:57is a really psychiatric patient trying to get through our hedge.
24:02Right, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
24:04which means the final scores are...
24:06Sean, Vic and John have four points,
24:07but Dave, Jade and Chris have one with six points.
24:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
24:14and all of you for watching at home.
24:16That's it from us, goodnight.
24:22And for Jimmy Carr's new DVD box set,
24:24just call 0870 1234344
24:27or click on to channel4.com slash shop.
24:31APPLAUSE