• 6 months ago
First broadcast 29th July 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Scott Capurro
Rob Rouse
Jayne Middlemiss
Johnny Vegas

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, it's Viva Johnny Vegas,
00:26Funny Man Rob Rouse,
00:28and their captain Dave Spikey.
00:31And facing them tonight,
00:33Y.I. Man, it's Jane Middleman.
00:36Howdy, partner, it's Scott Capurro.
00:40And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:44Now, make some noise for your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:51Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:55a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, a hippo can open its mouth wide enough
01:01to fit in a four-foot child?
01:03And that's according to a grieving scientist.
01:07In China, it's considered rude to save a drowning person
01:10because you might interfere with their fate.
01:12I'd love to see their version of Baywatch.
01:16And the male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth
01:19up to seven miles away.
01:21And that fact also works if you remove the word moth.
01:29Of course, I have to point out they smell of lovely patchouli oil.
01:34Let's get started.
01:42What are you talking about? That is the name of our first round.
01:45We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:47and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:50It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:54I'll give you the number one story this week.
01:56It's obviously the aftermath of the London bombings.
01:58But what else have people been talking about? Dave.
02:01I think people have been talking about the launch of the space shuttle.
02:04That's what I think. Discovery. Eventually.
02:06It was cancelled early on in the month, wasn't it,
02:08because they had a problem with the fuel gauge.
02:10Isn't the captain a female? Exactly.
02:12I might have possibly nipped out to the shops
02:14and possibly not bothered to put any fuel back in there.
02:19Might possibly have stood there with the keys going,
02:21I don't know.
02:23I went to spa,
02:26but my mam rang, so I had to go home.
02:29She's called Eileen Collins, isn't she?
02:31That's not the name of an astronaut.
02:33That's your Auntie Eileen, that, from across the street.
02:35She's also 48, isn't she?
02:36That's quite near the age where ladies start to go through the change.
02:40Which might not be a good time to be in space.
02:43She's entering the Earth's atmosphere.
02:44She goes, oh, I'm burning up.
02:45No, it's just re-entry, Eileen.
02:48I'm going to put my head in the fridge.
02:49No, that's the main door, you fool!
02:52It's weird how confident the scientists are, though,
02:54because they told the public when they found out there was a problem,
02:56they just wiggled a couple of wires and all the problems went away.
02:59They wiggled some wires.
03:01That's like switching your batteries running in your remote.
03:06The first one, the old-faced one,
03:07they said a piece fell off, form insulation,
03:10the size of a briefcase.
03:12That's fine.
03:13Size of a suitcase.
03:14They measure insulation in America, that.
03:17And for horses, that's a measurement of horses.
03:19Insulation, luggage.
03:22Let's have a look and see if the NASA mission
03:24is one of the top five most talked about things.
03:26Yes, it is.
03:30Right, Sean Stevens,
03:31what have the nation been talking about this week?
03:33Well, one of the things that's come out this week
03:34is the hospital reports.
03:36Every hospital gets graded, don't they?
03:37They get three stars, two stars, one star.
03:39I think instead of stars, they should have skulls.
03:43If a hospital's got one skull, it's quite good.
03:47Five skulls, there's some nutter in there with a chainsaw.
03:51There's nothing better, though, I think, outside a hospital,
03:53seeing people smoking in pyjamas.
03:58And then putting the ash in the top pocket.
04:02I can tell you that Britain's failing hospitals
04:04is actually the seventh most talked about thing this week.
04:06So, Dave, what else have the nation been talking about?
04:08This parrot that keeps telling everybody to fuck off.
04:12The story is this lorry driver had this parrot, right,
04:14and then he emigrated to Australia and left it to a sanctuary.
04:16But it's said in the paper it's been watching
04:18post-watershed television with him, right?
04:21Because there's a tour around this sanctuary,
04:24and the moor went up to it and went,
04:25oh, parrot, and it went, fuck off.
04:28And there was a vicar with him, and the vicar went, stop it,
04:30and he went, you can fuck off.
04:34I can tell you that parrots are not on the list.
04:37Why not? What kind of country are we living in?
04:40There was a time when all we discussed was parrots.
04:43Parrot-related stories, parrot memories.
04:46Oh, fucking parrots at Christmas.
04:50Sean, Jane, Scott.
04:52Is it the water shortages, the drought,
04:54that they're saying there is a big drought?
04:57Now, Jimmy, I'm no scientist, but it's been raining all week.
05:02Where's the drought?
05:04The thing is, we're going to have a drought,
05:06and there's going to be hosepipe bans.
05:08What do you do with hosepipes, though?
05:09You just squirt each other and stuff?
05:11Or you can...
05:12Oh, dear.
05:16I was talking to someone, they said,
05:17what happens if you get caught using your hosepipe,
05:19doing a hosepipe ban?
05:20You get a £1,000 fine.
05:22And if you don't...
05:25Is it a lot?
05:27And if you don't pay that, you can go to jail,
05:29and that's got to be the most uncool thing to be in jail for,
05:31hasn't it?
05:33Bank robbery, fraud.
05:35No, hosepipe.
05:39Is it global warming?
05:40Is that the reason?
05:41Is it because Europe uses too much oil?
05:43Is that why?
05:44Sorry, Europe uses too much oil?
05:47You're having a laugh.
05:53Right, let's have a look and see if droughts are on the list
05:55of top five fucked about things.
05:57Yes, it is.
05:58Well done.
06:02The reservoirs are half empty, or half full.
06:04Come on, look on the positive side.
06:07OK, fingers on buzzers,
06:08what else have people been talking about this week?
06:11Oh, I think Lance Armstrong's won his seventh Tour de France,
06:15which is amazing in itself.
06:17And he rides for the Discovery team.
06:19And basically, I'm not an expert,
06:21but apparently there's five in the team,
06:23and the other four basically block,
06:24and it's all tactical and all that.
06:26I don't know if you've seen Lance Armstrong's team,
06:28and four fat blokes on grifters.
06:35Imagine being the one awkward team member,
06:37where they go, you know,
06:38he's biting his neck, give him yours.
06:40I can't, my mum said you're not allowed on it.
06:44Can't let him have my goat.
06:47We've 20 metres, go on home if she sees it, I've had it.
06:51Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the 2020 cast
06:54of Last of the Summer Wine.
07:022020, you're going down a hill behind that panel,
07:05like that, going...
07:07That desk out of control.
07:08This is going to tip over and we all just...
07:13I've just been smiling casually.
07:15I can't understand a word they're saying.
07:18So I'm just going along.
07:20Yeah, it's like a Romanian clown act.
07:24Do you remember we were doing the five most talked about things?
07:30Some time ago.
07:33Well, let's see if Lance Armstrong,
07:34winning his seventh Tour de France, has made the list.
07:37Yes, it has.
07:42Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the seventh time,
07:44having famously lost a testicle to cancer.
07:47Incredible to have won riding side saddle.
07:52OK, you've got one more to get your fingers on buzzers.
07:55Is it class sizes are going up to 60?
07:58Tell me more.
07:59Well, class sizes are going up to 60, that's it.
08:03They had that at my school.
08:0660 kids in my class, 30 girls, all pregnant.
08:14They're saying you should have 60 kids in a class,
08:16which is obviously, that's not a class, that's an assembly.
08:19Sorry, what's the reason?
08:21Because they've run out of teachers and, you know,
08:22they haven't got enough schools and stuff like that.
08:24No, it's the new contract that allows teachers to plan lessons,
08:30which means they have less time to teach,
08:32which means they've got to double classes,
08:34because of the bureaucracy of teaching,
08:36rather than trusting people that you give a job in the first place
08:39to be able to do what they do.
08:42Yes.
08:47Let's see if school class sizes is on the list.
08:51Yes, it is.
08:54Yes, this is the story that the government plans
08:56to increase school class sizes to 60.
08:58Government spin doctors have said that doubling class sizes
09:01will now halve the time it takes supply teachers
09:03to have nervous breakdowns.
09:05Of course, we also have the problem of child obesity to contend with,
09:09so going to class now will be like climbing into a giant flesh jigsaw.
09:15I'll tell you what, though,
09:17they'll need broadband.
09:19At the end of that round,
09:20Sean, Jane and Scott have two points,
09:22and Dave, Johnny and Rob have two points.
09:27The next round is called the poll with a hole.
09:29We've looked through hundreds of surveys,
09:30past and present, from around the world,
09:32and unearthed some fascinating facts.
09:34Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
09:37so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
09:39Sean's team, one in four golfers is what?
09:42Too fat to play a real sport.
09:46One in four golfers is Jimmy Tarbuck.
09:51I can't get it through the windmill.
09:56Imagine if crazy golf was actually played by the mentally ill.
09:59It would be a lot more exciting.
10:01Televise that, stick it on Channel 5, you've got a show.
10:05What's this guy? He's an absolute lunatic.
10:08Hang on, he's stoned his head in with a putter.
10:11This is great TV.
10:15In love with his caddy.
10:18For him, the 19th hole doesn't mean the bar.
10:22I had a lesson once, I had one lesson, it traumatised me,
10:24I never played again.
10:26I hit this ball, I hit it quite well,
10:28but I hit a woman walking across the fairway,
10:30and I went in the clubhouse, and I went,
10:31is there a doctor in the house?
10:33And it's blocked, luckily, not his stomach.
10:35I said, I've hit this woman.
10:36He said, where have you hit her?
10:37I said, it's between the first and the second hole.
10:43He said, you've not left much room for a bandage.
10:48That story's not true, is it, Dave?
10:52I've, you've...
10:53Lost.
10:54No, he did, he has.
10:56One in four golfers believes that municipal courses
11:00should be used for development, like, property-wise,
11:04rather than let commoners enjoy their sport.
11:07That is it, you've got the right answer.
11:09Come round to the right answer.
11:10Have I?
11:11Come on.
11:12One in four golfers is...
11:13Is it working class?
11:14I'll give you that.
11:15One in four golfers is actually a manual worker.
11:17Yes!
11:22Of course, every time someone mentions teeth,
11:24they're off for two hours.
11:27Dave, Johnny and Rob,
11:28your first one was featured in The Times, March 2004.
11:31Accountants what more than any other profession?
11:33I think it's kill.
11:36Of course, they get very restless when it gets dark.
11:38All those numbers, they just merge into words,
11:40don't they, from Satan?
11:42Accountants lie to you and tell you that you don't need receipts
11:46and you just give all your money to them in cash form
11:48more than any other profession.
11:51Is it accountants who use that Sudoku as some sort of foreplay?
11:56Look, I've done it, all the numbers.
11:57Oh, fucking great, well done.
12:00Is it accountants waste more time at work than other professionals
12:05just with their calculators,
12:06just kind of putting in numbers and going,
12:08oh, look, it says booblers.
12:11Use their personality as contraception.
12:15It's something that they do in their spare time.
12:17Kiting.
12:18Smoke.
12:19Cigarettes.
12:20Drink.
12:21Alcohol.
12:22Have an herbicide.
12:23Have sex with dogs.
12:25I shall have to tell you,
12:27accountants read for pleasure more than any other professionals.
12:30Oh, boring.
12:33Well, I'm sorry.
12:35What did you have in mind?
12:37Have sex with dogs.
12:41Sean's team, your next one.
12:4262% of Brits think their grandmother is what?
12:45Taking her fucking time with the tea.
12:50You're going to be surprised when she wakes up in that care home.
12:55Left in the car on a hot day.
12:58That's just careless and wrong.
13:0160% of Brits think their grandmother is sure.
13:05Using the computer at night.
13:09Like going on the computer and downloading pictures of a man and a donkey.
13:14It's on a beach and it's perfectly harmless, isn't it?
13:17Some nostalgia website.
13:19Flat pool in the 50s.
13:22Trying to get Coronation Street on the microwave.
13:2662% of Brits think their grandmother is hot, like attractive.
13:30Like, you know.
13:32Yeah, Scott, because you know so much about your thing.
13:35Women talk to gay men a lot because they think we're listening.
13:40Their grandmother is lovely, she's cute, she's cuddly.
13:42It's kind of about the advice she might give you.
13:44Is it wise?
13:46Yeah, you can have that, yeah.
13:5062% of Brits think their grandmother is usually right.
13:53I worry about mine, Nan.
13:54She's alone in the house and she falls.
13:56Does she make a noise?
13:59So at the end of that, the scores are Johnny, Rob and Dave have 3 points.
14:02Jane, Scott and Sean have 4 points.
14:06Join me after the break where we'll be finding out what the nation's little boys want to be when they grow up.
14:20Welcome back, 8 out of 10 cats.
14:22It's time for What's the Poll?
14:23I'm going to show you five people who were all popular answers on the same poll.
14:26All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll.
14:29Here is your first one.
14:30Sherlock Holmes, a wonderful detective.
14:34He's the one to catch the Brits and get them all arrested.
14:38He never fails to crack the case, so once you're over asking,
14:41How do you know that it was me?
14:44I said it's elementary.
14:48Sherlock Holmes there, as represented by the 1980 Cracker Jack team.
14:52What poll do you think Sherlock Holmes might have appeared on?
14:55100 Sexiest Victorians.
14:59The thing about Sherlock Holmes is a lot of people don't realise that he's a fictional character.
15:04They don't realise that he's like Tintin or Michael Winner.
15:09They actually think he's real.
15:10And I could perfectly see there'd be a poll of other people who think are fictional characters.
15:15That's not the answer though, it's a good guess.
15:16Is it people who'd be well worth ringing if you were being stalked by a ghoulish hound?
15:24I don't know whether that's the poll, let me check.
15:28No.
15:30Is it the most requested character for the limited edition Mr Potato Head?
15:38No, not what I got on the card.
15:40OK, let's have a look at the next person on the poll.
15:46So Sherlock Holmes and Rod Stewart, what poll might they both have featured on?
16:03Is it men who aren't returning my calls?
16:06I've heard and out.
16:09Is it a poll of men with lesbian haircuts?
16:13All I know is in the photo are those his arms.
16:15Is he actually strangling someone?
16:17Those are his arms going down, he's strangling them.
16:19And they're going, oh!
16:22People who were very big in the 19th century.
16:25Is it someone you'd call if your teenage daughter has gone missing?
16:30I'm afraid not, not what I got on the card.
16:32Let's have a look at the next person.
16:33You're my world, you are my night and day.
16:39Then it's the end of my world, the end of my world, the end of my world.
16:50Or it's the end of your singing career, that's for sure.
16:58Simon Cowell claims to be able to spot talent in Milo.
17:01Well, anyone could spot Michelle McManus in Milo.
17:05What poll do you think Simon Cowell, Rod Stewart and Sherlock Holmes might have appeared on?
17:10Is it people who've got a nice pair of puppies?
17:14I think he's smiling, he's about to put them in a sack.
17:19Is it men who pull their trousers up near their man breasts?
17:23Men do that, otherwise they get older.
17:24Women do it as well with skirts.
17:25My auntie Dorothy at the wedding the other day had a white pleated skirt on, it was there.
17:30A white pleated skirt with a little pink hat, she looked like a shuttlecock.
17:36I think it's a poll of people who wouldn't make you a cup of tea, even if they were making one for themselves.
17:43Let's have a look at the next person.
17:45Children need constructive routine, they need discipline, boundaries, guidelines, consistency.
17:54It's not nice, is it?
17:56Come on, Joshua!
18:03Children are like animals in a zoo, they're begging to be put in their place.
18:10Super nanny Jo Frost there, just like Mary Poppins, she says a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
18:16It also keeps the diabetic kids quiet.
18:20So, what's the poll?
18:22These lifestyle gurus like this nanny woman, they just tell you they're bleeding, obvious.
18:26It's like that Tracy Cox woman on Would Like to Meet, the Australian lady goes,
18:29if you're trying to flirt with a guy, when you're talking to him, look at him in the eyes, just rub your tits a little bit.
18:36Let him know you like him, maybe try and lick him.
18:41Is it best exports from Britain, because they've all made it big in America?
18:47That is the right answer.
18:52Yes, they all appear in a poll of America's favourite British people.
18:56Of course, the Americans think that all British men are repressed and uptight.
18:59When I heard that, I was angry, I was upset, but I managed to hide it.
19:04So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Johnny, Rob and Dave have three points,
19:07Jane, Scott and Sean have six points.
19:11And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:14I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
19:16It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:19Here is your first one.
19:20What boys want to be when they grow up?
19:23Hong Kong phooey.
19:25Number one super guy?
19:26Yes.
19:27I always wanted to be a bin man, when I was a little boy.
19:29And my mum said, why do you want to be a bin man?
19:31And I'd say, well, because then I can go to work, get really dirty, and then you can't tell me off when I come home.
19:35And, you only work one day a week.
19:38Brilliant.
19:39Bin men, though.
19:40That's a long time ago, when I was growing up.
19:42It's changed a lot, hasn't it?
19:44Because, like, we wanted to be steam train drivers, that was the number one thing.
19:46Yeah.
19:47Well, you know, my mate, Dennis.
19:49Dennis Tatler, if he's watching.
19:51He used to think that steam train drivers steered trains.
19:54He used to think that's why they weren't hanging out the window all the time.
19:59That, Dave.
20:00What?
20:01Is the correct answer.
20:04Yeah, what boys want to be when they grow up is train drivers.
20:07It is at least slightly more realistic than the second thing on the list, which was a professional footballer.
20:11Unless, of course, you're watching this in Scotland,
20:13where all you've got to do to become a professional footballer is to sidestep polio,
20:17and you're automatically in the national squad.
20:20What girls want to be when they grow up?
20:23Is it Jude Law's childminder?
20:27I think when girls want to grow up, they'd like to contribute to society in some way.
20:31Oh, wouldn't that be lovely?
20:33They've invented nothing.
20:35The x-ray, that's it.
20:36Marie Curie, apart from that, virtually everything, they've just come up with fuck all.
20:41You say that, hair tongs.
20:43Probably a bloke, probably Nicky Clark came up with it.
20:46Oh, will you all shut up!
20:50As an ugly woman, I must protest.
20:55Is it the human rights lawyer feeling that Jordan?
20:59Is it ballerina?
21:01Ballerina is number ten.
21:02You know ballerina, I haven't ever been to the ballet once.
21:05You've been to the ballet?
21:06Yeah.
21:07Some sort of mix-up, was it, Dave?
21:08It was a proper ballet.
21:09Is it in your capacity as fire officer?
21:13Is it a job?
21:14Yes, it is a job.
21:15Lawyers, teachers, doctors.
21:17Nurses.
21:19Nurses is the right answer.
21:24What girls want to be when they grow up is a nurse.
21:27Florence Nightingale is credited with inventing modern nursing.
21:30She was a kind, considerate, big-titted slag.
21:35Of course, we don't want to stereotype here.
21:37There are, of course, male nurses, or to give them their official title, male nurses.
21:45This is from a survey featured in the Telegraph, May 2005.
21:48Most difficult everyday object to use?
21:50Bookaroo.
21:51What?
21:52Bookaroo.
21:53Everyday...
21:55Everyday object.
21:57Is sobriety an object?
22:01That's a dream, Johnny.
22:03Is it a toilet brush?
22:05I've never had one, and my mum came round the other day, and she said,
22:07you've got to get a toilet brush, and I've been using it for a week,
22:09and I'm going back to paper.
22:14It's not a toilet brush, no.
22:16Is it numshackers?
22:18Fucking remote controls that do the three-in-one.
22:21To do with the remote control?
22:23Video.
22:24Correct.
22:26Yes, the most difficult everyday object to use is the video recorder,
22:30so if you're watching this on a video, you're probably thinking,
22:33this is the weirdest episode of Midsomer Murders I've ever seen.
22:39Well, that noise tells me that it's the end of that round, and the end of the game.
22:42That means the final scores are, Johnny, Rob and Dave have five points,
22:45but Sean's team are the winners, with eight.
22:50Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:52and to all of you for watching at home.
22:54That's it from us, goodnight.
22:59Something unexpected pops up in a bear's tail tonight
23:02when we meet the biological parents.
23:04You can see that at 10.35.
23:06Coming up next on 4, Kamal, beautifully dressed,
23:09is about to be evicted in Big Brother.