First broadcast 22nd July 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Simon Amstell
Iain Lee
Ralf Little
Sarah Beeny
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Simon Amstell
Iain Lee
Ralf Little
Sarah Beeny
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, Streets Ahead, it's Serafini, Lucky Scam, Ian Lee, and their
00:29captain, Dave Spikey. And facing them tonight, popping back from Pop World, Simon Amstel.
00:38From the Royal Family, Ralph Little. And their captain, Sean Locke. Now, break it down for
00:47your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:50Good evening, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, 20% of people marry their first love? What, they've got Lego wives?
01:09Every day in Britain, six newborn babies are given to the wrong parents. I wasn't swapped at birth,
01:14and neither was my identical twin, Wong Chow Lee. The reason half of all relationships break up is
01:21bad sex. My relationship broke up because of good sex with someone else. Let's get started.
01:36What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading
01:40polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:44It's our panellists' job to guess the public's top five most popular talking points. I'll give you the
01:48number one story, it's obviously the London bombings, but what else have people been talking about this week?
01:53Sean, your team to go first?
01:55Well, I think they've almost definitely been talking about the release of the new Harry Potter novel.
01:59It sold something like 10 million copies in an hour, and it's not just kids that read it, it's adults.
02:04I saw a bloke on the train reading it the other day, and I did think to myself, I wonder if when he goes
02:09home for his tea, he has Alphabetti spaghetti, and dinosaur-shaped chicken bites.
02:16You can see he's a woman in the pub, he fancies it, he just runs over and punches her in the arm.
02:22I've read it.
02:23You've read it?
02:24Yeah. It's very good.
02:25Is it?
02:26Yeah, it's very exciting. It is a kid's book, but it makes it very easy to read.
02:32I haven't read any, and people say to me, they say, well, you haven't read it? Like I'm the weird one?
02:38Yeah, I don't give a shit about wizards.
02:42When I see the word wizard on a page, I do that. It's just a natural reaction.
02:47You clap.
02:50Well, I love wizards.
02:52They do that thing as well with the Harry Potter, they bring out, they have the cover for the kids' version,
02:56and then they have an adults' cover as well, so you don't feel embarrassed reading.
03:01But it still says big letters, Harry Potter.
03:04The only reason I haven't read it is I haven't finished all the Mr. Men books yet.
03:09I don't think I'm ready to make that leap.
03:12It was £4.99 in Quicksave, £4.99.
03:15In Quicksave?
03:16In Quicksave.
03:17It's where I buy all my literature.
03:20How much are they knocking Tolstoy out at these days?
03:23Well, it's obviously a lost legacy, you'll spend a fortune in Quicksave while you're there.
03:26Spend a fortune in Quicksave.
03:28You can do a trolley dash and get change for a tenner.
03:32Sarah Beanie, have you read these books?
03:34I actually listen to them on tape.
03:37You're too lazy to even read Harry Potter, which is what it is.
03:40We listen to your advice every week about houses you haven't got a clue how to live, for God's sake.
03:45Actually, that is true. I should be ashamed, shouldn't I?
03:48But they're better on tape, because Stephen Fry reads them.
03:51Yeah, and also you can switch them off and chuck them out the window.
03:55Well, let's have a look and see if Harry Potter was one of the most talked about things this week.
03:59Yes, it was.
04:00Well done.
04:02Yes, the second most talked about thing this week was the story of the launch of the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
04:07I've not read it, but presumably the Half-Blood Prince is Prince Harry.
04:13Dave, over to you and your team. What have the nation been talking about this week?
04:18I think it's possibly Sienna leaving Jude.
04:21That's upset us all.
04:23You know, the desperate, ideal, perfect couple, and he's been cheating with the nanny.
04:27She's kept her diary, because nannies do that, don't they?
04:30And we made love on the pool table. The balls were everywhere.
04:36Well done, Jude.
04:37I thought the answer to that was that, obviously, he's had sex with his nanny, which means he's a classy guy.
04:42I reckon the safe money is that the next nanny will be called Bernard.
04:48Apparently, he said she was so good, you know, we were going to recommend her to the Beckhams.
04:54There's a letter in the paper from Sadie Frost to Sienna saying, you know, don't worry, things will get better.
05:00She's like, why would she listen to her?
05:02I don't get why she would write a letter to the newspaper to her, though.
05:06Because she gleefully hasn't stopped laughing since it happened.
05:10There was a thing in the papers quoting Sadie Frost's PA. What does she do? Cut to her office.
05:18Hello?
05:19Wrong number.
05:24Let's have a look and see whether Jude and his nanny are one of the most popular talking points this week.
05:30Yes, they are. One aye.
05:34Yes, Jude Law was caught sleeping with a nanny. I suspect he'll be on the naughty step for quite some time.
05:40The nanny is the most embarrassing thing Jude's been in since Alfie.
05:46Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week?
05:50Well, something I thought was very interesting was there's a teacher's conference going on
05:54and a leading educational expert suggested they get rid of the word failure from the school vocabulary,
06:00that kids no longer fail because it discourages what I would say,
06:04you can only say like maybe the more less achieving kids, the thicker kids.
06:09I think they should get rid of some other words like late, get rid of late.
06:13Not late, no, I'm early, just not as early as I should have been.
06:17I'm not lazy, I'm energetically challenged.
06:22Or I'm not a liar, I've just got a fat allergy.
06:27I'm afraid that isn't in the top five most talked about things.
06:29My friend Mark had a threesome this week, there you go, it's not on the list.
06:33Unless they did it in Trafalgar Square, I doubt it.
06:37What other thing should we be talking about?
06:38Oh, I don't know, team, any ideas?
06:39We're playing cricket against Australia and we've won the toss, we've won the toss.
06:45Are they talking about that in the pubs up and down the country?
06:47No.
06:48I don't know.
06:49Because we lost the toss.
06:51It's the old enemy, it's Australia, so that's what makes it important.
06:54It's a made-up sport, a sport that lasts for three, four, five days is ridiculous.
06:58What do you mean it's a made-up sport?
06:59They're all made up.
07:01There's not great characters in cricket anymore like Beefy Botham.
07:04You've got Shane Warne, the Australian footballer,
07:06obviously he's always putting it about, isn't he?
07:08He's like, he always insists that no sex during a game.
07:13That's about his limit, really.
07:15Let's have a look and see if the cricket's up there.
07:19Yes, it is.
07:20The fifth most talked about thing this week.
07:24England hasn't won the Ashes for 20 years.
07:26According to the Times, the last time England won, Terry Waite was kidnapped.
07:30Australians are such bad losers.
07:32OK, there's still one to guess. Fingers on buzzers.
07:34What's the most talked about thing this week?
07:36The under-16 lad who sued the police for escorting him home.
07:40The police can escort home kids, even if they haven't been badly behaved, if they're under 16.
07:47And this lad, who's only called W in the papers, took him to the high court and won.
07:53I blame the parents. Fancy calling a kid W?
07:56I know, it's rubbish.
07:57It's that crime boy. We've got crime boy up our way. He's always in trouble.
08:00What do you expect? Crime boy's been asked it again. Get away.
08:06Well, let's have a look and see if kids' curfews is in the top five.
08:13Yes, it is.
08:16There was already a very successful scheme for keeping teenage boys off the streets.
08:19It's known as Internet Porn.
08:21There was already a very successful scheme for keeping teenage boys off the streets.
08:24It's known as Internet Porn.
08:28Right, well, I can tell you at the end of that, Sarah, Ian and Dave have two points.
08:32Ralph, Simon and Sean have two points.
08:38The next round is called the poll with a hole.
08:40We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
08:43and unearthed some fascinating facts.
08:45Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
08:48So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:51Here's your first fact. It's from a survey featured in the Times from April of this year.
08:5543% of UK kids worry that their parents what?
08:58Might get back together.
09:03Most kids, the most embarrassing thing their parents do is start a band.
09:07That'd be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
09:10Dad on bass, mum on drums.
09:14Why don't you just tell us the answers? You've got us all here.
09:16We could be doing important show business work.
09:19Me and Ralph could be opening a fate or something.
09:23Has anyone got a fate they need opening?
09:25No, let's continue with the quiz.
09:27All right.
09:3043% of UK kids worry that their parents...
09:33Are coming to Glastonbury as well.
09:40You don't recognise me, I've painted my face.
09:43You almost mentioned it before.
09:45Because they'd embarrass them.
09:47Correct.
09:51Yes, 43% of UK kids worry that their parents will embarrass them.
09:54I remember I got embarrassed by my dad dancing at a family wedding.
09:57I say family wedding, it was gay pride.
10:0278% of pensioners are satisfied with what?
10:05The walk-in bath.
10:06They're good at the walk-in baths.
10:08Little door on them.
10:10You get in, you shut the door,
10:12you sit down and they've got to fill it.
10:14They've got plenty of time on their hands, obviously, old people,
10:17but they sit in the bath and then they have the bath
10:19and then they've got to drain it before they can open the door to get out.
10:22They sit there and the water goes out and they...
10:24What am I doing in here?
10:27Must be having a bath.
10:28Start all over again.
10:29The water's so bloody wrinkly.
10:31Is it?
10:3478% of pensioners are satisfied
10:37with their new baby with Penny Lancaster.
10:43Is it?
10:4478% of pensioners are satisfied with a bowling form.
10:47They like bowling, don't they? Crane Green bowling.
10:49My granddad played till he was 93.
10:51He played right up till the day he died, the day before I was playing with him,
10:54and he bowled his foot to the end of the green and it was quite good.
10:57And he showed us the floor, there's a floor walking past, he went,
10:59Oh, I'm a there! Oh, I'm a there!
11:01He said, you're a foot in front.
11:03He said, what did he call me then?
11:07So, 78% of pensioners are satisfied with...
11:10A nice cup of tea and a sit-down.
11:12Oh, yeah.
11:13And making that noise when they sit down, going,
11:15Ah!
11:16It's nice going out, but it's nice coming home.
11:21I shall tell you, 78% of pensioners are satisfied with their Meals on Wheels.
11:25OK, your next one is from a survey featured in the Express in May.
11:2993% of cat owners believe their pet helps them what?
11:34Is it drown out the sound of their biological clocks ticking?
11:40Is it help them solve crimes?
11:44Who wouldn't want a crime-fighting cat?
11:47Fit in down the cat club?
11:48It's all right, it's with me. Milk?
11:52I mean, people who do have cats, you can have a lot of fun with cats.
11:55I did have a cat for a short period of time,
11:57and the thing I used to like doing with it is,
11:59you know when you pick a cat up by its front legs,
12:02and you just hold it for a bit, they get longer and longer.
12:06Yeah, they do.
12:07And if you hold them, you can really stretch them out.
12:09You can get...
12:10Start swinging them.
12:13I used to go out the upstairs window and have them out on the street.
12:19They're very comforting, cats.
12:21I think they help with, um, calming down.
12:26Yes, I'll give you that.
12:27Yes, 93% of cat owners believe their pet helps them cope with stress.
12:31Of course, pets can also cause stress.
12:33I was distraught when my dog died.
12:35I had a lot of money riding on that fight.
12:39You should have seen the size of the badger.
12:44So, at the end of that round,
12:45I can tell you that Dave's team have four points,
12:47and Sean's team have three points.
12:50Join me after the break,
12:51where we'll be finding out what Britain's most miserable job is.
12:55Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
12:57Time for What's The Poll?
12:58I'm going to show you five people
12:59who were all popular answers on the same poll.
13:01All our panellists have to do is tell me, what's the poll?
13:04Here is your first person.
13:07Nowadays, everybody can have their own little bit of the Arctic
13:10with a home freezer.
13:12And there are two main kinds.
13:14The first one is called a freezer.
13:16It's a freezer where you put food in the freezer
13:18and it freezes it.
13:21And there are two main kinds.
13:23This one, the upright one,
13:25has the advantage of not taking up too much floor space.
13:30With the second type of freezer, the chest type,
13:32this doesn't happen as much,
13:34although it does take up a lot more floor space.
13:36And I suppose if you're a very small person,
13:38you might find it difficult to find things right down at the bottom.
13:45Celia Smith there.
13:46What poll do you think she might have appeared in?
13:48This is a poll of the most patronising people in the world.
13:51It's not a poll of the most patronising people in the world,
13:53but well done for your guess.
13:58She knows nothing about freezers, that woman.
14:00No.
14:02I know.
14:03I got her a top tips book,
14:05and it says quite clearly that a chicken
14:07should keep fresh in a freezer for six months.
14:09So I put one in on Tuesday, as I look today, it's dead.
14:13Well, it could be people you'd like to cook dinner for you,
14:16but you wouldn't want them to eat it with you.
14:21Thanks very much.
14:22Can you go now?
14:25OK, next person on the poll.
14:43APPLAUSE
14:45Darth Vader there at the premiere of Shrek 2.
14:49What poll do you think Delia and Darth might have appeared on?
14:53Is it a poll of women and fictional emperors?
15:01I'll check for you.
15:04No.
15:05The thing I always wonder about Darth Vader,
15:07if you think about it,
15:08he wears that all the time, doesn't he?
15:10So he never gets any sunlight.
15:11You'd think he'd have rickets.
15:14He'd be a bandy-legged fella, like that.
15:17I bet George Lucas is feeling pretty stupid right about now.
15:21Is it pretty cool who are white,
15:23but actually have the voice of a short, fat black man?
15:28Next up, Justo.
15:32Has Darth Vader got his own range of pasta sauces?
15:36Is it famous asthmatics?
15:41No.
15:44Next person.
15:46Tonight, singing live once again,
15:48Gary Mullan is Freddie Mercury!
16:02Freddie Mercury there.
16:03What poll do you think he might have appeared on
16:05with Delia Smith and Darth Vader?
16:08Is it people you'd be quite surprised to find out were your father?
16:15He was gay, Freddie Mercury, but he was in the closet, wasn't he?
16:18He only came out the day before he died.
16:20And I just thought, really? Who knew?
16:24People really didn't know.
16:25People used to say, he can't be gay, he's got a moustache.
16:27Yeah.
16:28The only people who didn't know
16:29probably were my nan and Brian May, I reckon.
16:33Brian May would just go, no, not Freddie, surely?
16:37He tried to throw us off the scent with Fat Bottom Girls, but...
16:43Let's have a look at the next clip.
16:54Oh, excuse me, Ricky.
16:56Ricky, I did see what you were doing.
16:59It felt good, didn't it?
17:02We all have feelings like this sometimes.
17:04I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room.
17:07I'll be sure to knock next time, OK?
17:14That's not right.
17:15A clip there from a 1975 parental training film
17:18to illustrate mothers.
17:20Why didn't she just knock?
17:21Yeah.
17:22She said she'd knock next time.
17:23She'd made a mistake, she'd learnt from it.
17:27Did she say that?
17:28You absorbed that whole film.
17:31Shame it's not The Crips and Factor, we'd get loads of points.
17:34Surely, she should have checked.
17:36She might have been building an air-fix kit.
17:40What's worse is if you've been doing it to someone on the telly
17:42and fall asleep, when you wake up, she's put a cup of tea there.
17:49Surely, Dave, if your mum put a cup of tea down,
17:51you'd hear the cup rattling.
17:55So, Delia, Darth Vader, Freddie Mercury and mothers.
17:57What's the poll?
17:58Is this people who have no idea how to communicate in a pleasant way?
18:03I thought Freddie's voice touched millions of people.
18:06Actually, apart from him.
18:07Well, you can't have a poll apart from him.
18:10He's the whole object of the game.
18:12It's to do with something that you don't tell anyone.
18:14Secrets.
18:18It's to do with your computer.
18:20Passwords.
18:21Correct.
18:26Yes, they've all appeared on a list of the most popular names
18:28used for computer passwords.
18:30Number one on the list was Gandalf.
18:32That's tough to crack, isn't it?
18:33Right, he's a computer geek. He lives alone.
18:35Let's try Gandalf.
18:38It's Klingon for Gandalf.
18:40We're in.
18:43So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Ralph, Simon and Sean
18:46and five points for Sarah, Ian and Dave.
18:52And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
18:54I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
18:56It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
18:59Here is your first one.
19:00Most miserable job.
19:03I imagine a very miserable job, depressingly more miserable,
19:05would be a director of panda pornography.
19:10Hanging around on set.
19:11Come on!
19:13My terrible job, my worst job I ever had,
19:15I used to work in the kitchens of a psychiatric hospital
19:17and one of my jobs was when the big industrial bins filled up with food,
19:20before they were collected,
19:21my job was to scare the patients away from the bins.
19:25They'd come and try and go...
19:27Try and get food out of the bin.
19:29And I'd have to go,
19:30Yeah, yeah, get away, get away.
19:33You were a scarecrow for mental people.
19:36I had to scare psychiatric patients away from the bins.
19:41Oh, yeah, that was your special job, wasn't it?
19:43You weren't one of them.
19:44No.
19:45No, it was your job, your special job.
19:46You were employed there.
19:47A bit different from the others, yeah.
19:50Yeah, of course, yeah.
19:52I had special boots.
19:53I had special boots, yeah.
19:55Special boots given to him by Napoleon, no less.
19:57Yes.
20:03It is the most miserable job being that woman on the adverts
20:07that Michael Winner tells,
20:08The curb down there!
20:11It's not something really mundane like it's been then, is it?
20:13It's kind of a dull thing you sort of switch off
20:15if someone tells you they work in it.
20:17Oh, insurance.
20:18IT.
20:19Correct.
20:20Oh, well done!
20:22Yes, the most miserable job is working in IT.
20:26Yes, according to the research,
20:27the unhappiest person in Britain is a male IT worker
20:30in his 30s, separated, childless and living in Southampton.
20:33Hello, Clive.
20:37What Brits would buy if money were no object?
20:42Scratch cards.
20:48France, just to close it down.
20:50Oh!
20:51Oh, Dave!
20:52With your finger.
20:56Why can't we have moments like that?
21:01I can't believe you did that for quite a long time
21:03and it looks exactly the same.
21:06Couldn't do the same with yours, could we?
21:07Because it's made of wood.
21:08Your hand would...
21:14Jimmy combs it with a mallet.
21:17What Brits would buy if money were no object?
21:20Two boxes of Ferrero Rocher.
21:24A make-poverty-history wristband made of African gold and ivory.
21:30Come on, what would you buy if money were no object?
21:32Is it cleaner?
21:33I'll give you cleaner, it's actually a live-in maid.
21:40Best way to sell your house?
21:43Is it buying the developer's bible by Sarah Beattie for £18.99 for more good bookshops?
21:51I think the best way is don't mention the massacre.
21:55Let them find out over time from the neighbours.
21:59You're living at 32.
22:02Is it put it on the market?
22:06Is it have an adjustable sales plan?
22:08Remember, a reactive plan is an effective plan.
22:13Thank you.
22:18You've got to get the number one answer, or I'm afraid Channel 4 are taking away your contract.
22:22Send it.
22:23That's the right answer.
22:28Yes, the best way to sell your house is to build an extension.
22:31Oh, that noise tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the game.
22:34So I can tell you that the final scores are Ralph, Simon and Sean have 5 points,
22:37but Dave has 1, with Sarah and Ian with 7 points.
22:43Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:46and to all of you for watching at home.
22:48That's it from us. Good night.
22:54Well, if your wits is wry as Jimmy Carr and guests,
22:57consider a career in comedy via channel4.com.
23:02It's no laughing matter for science.
23:04He's out. Big Brother is next.