• 6 months ago
First broadcast 22nd July 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Simon Amstell
Iain Lee
Ralf Little
Sarah Beeny

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, Streets Ahead, it's Serafini, Lucky Scam, Ian Lee, and their
00:29captain, Dave Spikey. And facing them tonight, popping back from Pop World, Simon Amstel.
00:38From the Royal Family, Ralph Little. And their captain, Sean Locke. Now, break it down for
00:47your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:50Good evening, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, 20% of people marry their first love? What, they've got Lego wives?
01:09Every day in Britain, six newborn babies are given to the wrong parents. I wasn't swapped at birth,
01:14and neither was my identical twin, Wong Chow Lee. The reason half of all relationships break up is
01:21bad sex. My relationship broke up because of good sex with someone else. Let's get started.
01:36What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading
01:40polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:44It's our panellists' job to guess the public's top five most popular talking points. I'll give you the
01:48number one story, it's obviously the London bombings, but what else have people been talking about this week?
01:53Sean, your team to go first?
01:55Well, I think they've almost definitely been talking about the release of the new Harry Potter novel.
01:59It sold something like 10 million copies in an hour, and it's not just kids that read it, it's adults.
02:04I saw a bloke on the train reading it the other day, and I did think to myself, I wonder if when he goes
02:09home for his tea, he has Alphabetti spaghetti, and dinosaur-shaped chicken bites.
02:16You can see he's a woman in the pub, he fancies it, he just runs over and punches her in the arm.
02:22I've read it.
02:23You've read it?
02:24Yeah. It's very good.
02:25Is it?
02:26Yeah, it's very exciting. It is a kid's book, but it makes it very easy to read.
02:32I haven't read any, and people say to me, they say, well, you haven't read it? Like I'm the weird one?
02:38Yeah, I don't give a shit about wizards.
02:42When I see the word wizard on a page, I do that. It's just a natural reaction.
02:47You clap.
02:50Well, I love wizards.
02:52They do that thing as well with the Harry Potter, they bring out, they have the cover for the kids' version,
02:56and then they have an adults' cover as well, so you don't feel embarrassed reading.
03:01But it still says big letters, Harry Potter.
03:04The only reason I haven't read it is I haven't finished all the Mr. Men books yet.
03:09I don't think I'm ready to make that leap.
03:12It was £4.99 in Quicksave, £4.99.
03:15In Quicksave?
03:16In Quicksave.
03:17It's where I buy all my literature.
03:20How much are they knocking Tolstoy out at these days?
03:23Well, it's obviously a lost legacy, you'll spend a fortune in Quicksave while you're there.
03:26Spend a fortune in Quicksave.
03:28You can do a trolley dash and get change for a tenner.
03:32Sarah Beanie, have you read these books?
03:34I actually listen to them on tape.
03:37You're too lazy to even read Harry Potter, which is what it is.
03:40We listen to your advice every week about houses you haven't got a clue how to live, for God's sake.
03:45Actually, that is true. I should be ashamed, shouldn't I?
03:48But they're better on tape, because Stephen Fry reads them.
03:51Yeah, and also you can switch them off and chuck them out the window.
03:55Well, let's have a look and see if Harry Potter was one of the most talked about things this week.
03:59Yes, it was.
04:00Well done.
04:02Yes, the second most talked about thing this week was the story of the launch of the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
04:07I've not read it, but presumably the Half-Blood Prince is Prince Harry.
04:13Dave, over to you and your team. What have the nation been talking about this week?
04:18I think it's possibly Sienna leaving Jude.
04:21That's upset us all.
04:23You know, the desperate, ideal, perfect couple, and he's been cheating with the nanny.
04:27She's kept her diary, because nannies do that, don't they?
04:30And we made love on the pool table. The balls were everywhere.
04:36Well done, Jude.
04:37I thought the answer to that was that, obviously, he's had sex with his nanny, which means he's a classy guy.
04:42I reckon the safe money is that the next nanny will be called Bernard.
04:48Apparently, he said she was so good, you know, we were going to recommend her to the Beckhams.
04:54There's a letter in the paper from Sadie Frost to Sienna saying, you know, don't worry, things will get better.
05:00She's like, why would she listen to her?
05:02I don't get why she would write a letter to the newspaper to her, though.
05:06Because she gleefully hasn't stopped laughing since it happened.
05:10There was a thing in the papers quoting Sadie Frost's PA. What does she do? Cut to her office.
05:18Hello?
05:19Wrong number.
05:24Let's have a look and see whether Jude and his nanny are one of the most popular talking points this week.
05:30Yes, they are. One aye.
05:34Yes, Jude Law was caught sleeping with a nanny. I suspect he'll be on the naughty step for quite some time.
05:40The nanny is the most embarrassing thing Jude's been in since Alfie.
05:46Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week?
05:50Well, something I thought was very interesting was there's a teacher's conference going on
05:54and a leading educational expert suggested they get rid of the word failure from the school vocabulary,
06:00that kids no longer fail because it discourages what I would say,
06:04you can only say like maybe the more less achieving kids, the thicker kids.
06:09I think they should get rid of some other words like late, get rid of late.
06:13Not late, no, I'm early, just not as early as I should have been.
06:17I'm not lazy, I'm energetically challenged.
06:22Or I'm not a liar, I've just got a fat allergy.
06:27I'm afraid that isn't in the top five most talked about things.
06:29My friend Mark had a threesome this week, there you go, it's not on the list.
06:33Unless they did it in Trafalgar Square, I doubt it.
06:37What other thing should we be talking about?
06:38Oh, I don't know, team, any ideas?
06:39We're playing cricket against Australia and we've won the toss, we've won the toss.
06:45Are they talking about that in the pubs up and down the country?
06:47No.
06:48I don't know.
06:49Because we lost the toss.
06:51It's the old enemy, it's Australia, so that's what makes it important.
06:54It's a made-up sport, a sport that lasts for three, four, five days is ridiculous.
06:58What do you mean it's a made-up sport?
06:59They're all made up.
07:01There's not great characters in cricket anymore like Beefy Botham.
07:04You've got Shane Warne, the Australian footballer,
07:06obviously he's always putting it about, isn't he?
07:08He's like, he always insists that no sex during a game.
07:13That's about his limit, really.
07:15Let's have a look and see if the cricket's up there.
07:19Yes, it is.
07:20The fifth most talked about thing this week.
07:24England hasn't won the Ashes for 20 years.
07:26According to the Times, the last time England won, Terry Waite was kidnapped.
07:30Australians are such bad losers.
07:32OK, there's still one to guess. Fingers on buzzers.
07:34What's the most talked about thing this week?
07:36The under-16 lad who sued the police for escorting him home.
07:40The police can escort home kids, even if they haven't been badly behaved, if they're under 16.
07:47And this lad, who's only called W in the papers, took him to the high court and won.
07:53I blame the parents. Fancy calling a kid W?
07:56I know, it's rubbish.
07:57It's that crime boy. We've got crime boy up our way. He's always in trouble.
08:00What do you expect? Crime boy's been asked it again. Get away.
08:06Well, let's have a look and see if kids' curfews is in the top five.
08:13Yes, it is.
08:16There was already a very successful scheme for keeping teenage boys off the streets.
08:19It's known as Internet Porn.
08:21There was already a very successful scheme for keeping teenage boys off the streets.
08:24It's known as Internet Porn.
08:28Right, well, I can tell you at the end of that, Sarah, Ian and Dave have two points.
08:32Ralph, Simon and Sean have two points.
08:38The next round is called the poll with a hole.
08:40We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
08:43and unearthed some fascinating facts.
08:45Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
08:48So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:51Here's your first fact. It's from a survey featured in the Times from April of this year.
08:5543% of UK kids worry that their parents what?
08:58Might get back together.
09:03Most kids, the most embarrassing thing their parents do is start a band.
09:07That'd be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
09:10Dad on bass, mum on drums.
09:14Why don't you just tell us the answers? You've got us all here.
09:16We could be doing important show business work.
09:19Me and Ralph could be opening a fate or something.
09:23Has anyone got a fate they need opening?
09:25No, let's continue with the quiz.
09:27All right.
09:3043% of UK kids worry that their parents...
09:33Are coming to Glastonbury as well.
09:40You don't recognise me, I've painted my face.
09:43You almost mentioned it before.
09:45Because they'd embarrass them.
09:47Correct.
09:51Yes, 43% of UK kids worry that their parents will embarrass them.
09:54I remember I got embarrassed by my dad dancing at a family wedding.
09:57I say family wedding, it was gay pride.
10:0278% of pensioners are satisfied with what?
10:05The walk-in bath.
10:06They're good at the walk-in baths.
10:08Little door on them.
10:10You get in, you shut the door,
10:12you sit down and they've got to fill it.
10:14They've got plenty of time on their hands, obviously, old people,
10:17but they sit in the bath and then they have the bath
10:19and then they've got to drain it before they can open the door to get out.
10:22They sit there and the water goes out and they...
10:24What am I doing in here?
10:27Must be having a bath.
10:28Start all over again.
10:29The water's so bloody wrinkly.
10:31Is it?
10:3478% of pensioners are satisfied
10:37with their new baby with Penny Lancaster.
10:43Is it?
10:4478% of pensioners are satisfied with a bowling form.
10:47They like bowling, don't they? Crane Green bowling.
10:49My granddad played till he was 93.
10:51He played right up till the day he died, the day before I was playing with him,
10:54and he bowled his foot to the end of the green and it was quite good.
10:57And he showed us the floor, there's a floor walking past, he went,
10:59Oh, I'm a there! Oh, I'm a there!
11:01He said, you're a foot in front.
11:03He said, what did he call me then?
11:07So, 78% of pensioners are satisfied with...
11:10A nice cup of tea and a sit-down.
11:12Oh, yeah.
11:13And making that noise when they sit down, going,
11:15Ah!
11:16It's nice going out, but it's nice coming home.
11:21I shall tell you, 78% of pensioners are satisfied with their Meals on Wheels.
11:25OK, your next one is from a survey featured in the Express in May.
11:2993% of cat owners believe their pet helps them what?
11:34Is it drown out the sound of their biological clocks ticking?
11:40Is it help them solve crimes?
11:44Who wouldn't want a crime-fighting cat?
11:47Fit in down the cat club?
11:48It's all right, it's with me. Milk?
11:52I mean, people who do have cats, you can have a lot of fun with cats.
11:55I did have a cat for a short period of time,
11:57and the thing I used to like doing with it is,
11:59you know when you pick a cat up by its front legs,
12:02and you just hold it for a bit, they get longer and longer.
12:06Yeah, they do.
12:07And if you hold them, you can really stretch them out.
12:09You can get...
12:10Start swinging them.
12:13I used to go out the upstairs window and have them out on the street.
12:19They're very comforting, cats.
12:21I think they help with, um, calming down.
12:26Yes, I'll give you that.
12:27Yes, 93% of cat owners believe their pet helps them cope with stress.
12:31Of course, pets can also cause stress.
12:33I was distraught when my dog died.
12:35I had a lot of money riding on that fight.
12:39You should have seen the size of the badger.
12:44So, at the end of that round,
12:45I can tell you that Dave's team have four points,
12:47and Sean's team have three points.
12:50Join me after the break,
12:51where we'll be finding out what Britain's most miserable job is.
12:55Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
12:57Time for What's The Poll?
12:58I'm going to show you five people
12:59who were all popular answers on the same poll.
13:01All our panellists have to do is tell me, what's the poll?
13:04Here is your first person.
13:07Nowadays, everybody can have their own little bit of the Arctic
13:10with a home freezer.
13:12And there are two main kinds.
13:14The first one is called a freezer.
13:16It's a freezer where you put food in the freezer
13:18and it freezes it.
13:21And there are two main kinds.
13:23This one, the upright one,
13:25has the advantage of not taking up too much floor space.
13:30With the second type of freezer, the chest type,
13:32this doesn't happen as much,
13:34although it does take up a lot more floor space.
13:36And I suppose if you're a very small person,
13:38you might find it difficult to find things right down at the bottom.
13:45Celia Smith there.
13:46What poll do you think she might have appeared in?
13:48This is a poll of the most patronising people in the world.
13:51It's not a poll of the most patronising people in the world,
13:53but well done for your guess.
13:58She knows nothing about freezers, that woman.
14:00No.
14:02I know.
14:03I got her a top tips book,
14:05and it says quite clearly that a chicken
14:07should keep fresh in a freezer for six months.
14:09So I put one in on Tuesday, as I look today, it's dead.
14:13Well, it could be people you'd like to cook dinner for you,
14:16but you wouldn't want them to eat it with you.
14:21Thanks very much.
14:22Can you go now?
14:25OK, next person on the poll.
14:43APPLAUSE
14:45Darth Vader there at the premiere of Shrek 2.
14:49What poll do you think Delia and Darth might have appeared on?
14:53Is it a poll of women and fictional emperors?
15:01I'll check for you.
15:04No.
15:05The thing I always wonder about Darth Vader,
15:07if you think about it,
15:08he wears that all the time, doesn't he?
15:10So he never gets any sunlight.
15:11You'd think he'd have rickets.
15:14He'd be a bandy-legged fella, like that.
15:17I bet George Lucas is feeling pretty stupid right about now.
15:21Is it pretty cool who are white,
15:23but actually have the voice of a short, fat black man?
15:28Next up, Justo.
15:32Has Darth Vader got his own range of pasta sauces?
15:36Is it famous asthmatics?
15:41No.
15:44Next person.
15:46Tonight, singing live once again,
15:48Gary Mullan is Freddie Mercury!
16:02Freddie Mercury there.
16:03What poll do you think he might have appeared on
16:05with Delia Smith and Darth Vader?
16:08Is it people you'd be quite surprised to find out were your father?
16:15He was gay, Freddie Mercury, but he was in the closet, wasn't he?
16:18He only came out the day before he died.
16:20And I just thought, really? Who knew?
16:24People really didn't know.
16:25People used to say, he can't be gay, he's got a moustache.
16:27Yeah.
16:28The only people who didn't know
16:29probably were my nan and Brian May, I reckon.
16:33Brian May would just go, no, not Freddie, surely?
16:37He tried to throw us off the scent with Fat Bottom Girls, but...
16:43Let's have a look at the next clip.
16:54Oh, excuse me, Ricky.
16:56Ricky, I did see what you were doing.
16:59It felt good, didn't it?
17:02We all have feelings like this sometimes.
17:04I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room.
17:07I'll be sure to knock next time, OK?
17:14That's not right.
17:15A clip there from a 1975 parental training film
17:18to illustrate mothers.
17:20Why didn't she just knock?
17:21Yeah.
17:22She said she'd knock next time.
17:23She'd made a mistake, she'd learnt from it.
17:27Did she say that?
17:28You absorbed that whole film.
17:31Shame it's not The Crips and Factor, we'd get loads of points.
17:34Surely, she should have checked.
17:36She might have been building an air-fix kit.
17:40What's worse is if you've been doing it to someone on the telly
17:42and fall asleep, when you wake up, she's put a cup of tea there.
17:49Surely, Dave, if your mum put a cup of tea down,
17:51you'd hear the cup rattling.
17:55So, Delia, Darth Vader, Freddie Mercury and mothers.
17:57What's the poll?
17:58Is this people who have no idea how to communicate in a pleasant way?
18:03I thought Freddie's voice touched millions of people.
18:06Actually, apart from him.
18:07Well, you can't have a poll apart from him.
18:10He's the whole object of the game.
18:12It's to do with something that you don't tell anyone.
18:14Secrets.
18:18It's to do with your computer.
18:20Passwords.
18:21Correct.
18:26Yes, they've all appeared on a list of the most popular names
18:28used for computer passwords.
18:30Number one on the list was Gandalf.
18:32That's tough to crack, isn't it?
18:33Right, he's a computer geek. He lives alone.
18:35Let's try Gandalf.
18:38It's Klingon for Gandalf.
18:40We're in.
18:43So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Ralph, Simon and Sean
18:46and five points for Sarah, Ian and Dave.
18:52And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
18:54I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
18:56It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
18:59Here is your first one.
19:00Most miserable job.
19:03I imagine a very miserable job, depressingly more miserable,
19:05would be a director of panda pornography.
19:10Hanging around on set.
19:11Come on!
19:13My terrible job, my worst job I ever had,
19:15I used to work in the kitchens of a psychiatric hospital
19:17and one of my jobs was when the big industrial bins filled up with food,
19:20before they were collected,
19:21my job was to scare the patients away from the bins.
19:25They'd come and try and go...
19:27Try and get food out of the bin.
19:29And I'd have to go,
19:30Yeah, yeah, get away, get away.
19:33You were a scarecrow for mental people.
19:36I had to scare psychiatric patients away from the bins.
19:41Oh, yeah, that was your special job, wasn't it?
19:43You weren't one of them.
19:44No.
19:45No, it was your job, your special job.
19:46You were employed there.
19:47A bit different from the others, yeah.
19:50Yeah, of course, yeah.
19:52I had special boots.
19:53I had special boots, yeah.
19:55Special boots given to him by Napoleon, no less.
19:57Yes.
20:03It is the most miserable job being that woman on the adverts
20:07that Michael Winner tells,
20:08The curb down there!
20:11It's not something really mundane like it's been then, is it?
20:13It's kind of a dull thing you sort of switch off
20:15if someone tells you they work in it.
20:17Oh, insurance.
20:18IT.
20:19Correct.
20:20Oh, well done!
20:22Yes, the most miserable job is working in IT.
20:26Yes, according to the research,
20:27the unhappiest person in Britain is a male IT worker
20:30in his 30s, separated, childless and living in Southampton.
20:33Hello, Clive.
20:37What Brits would buy if money were no object?
20:42Scratch cards.
20:48France, just to close it down.
20:50Oh!
20:51Oh, Dave!
20:52With your finger.
20:56Why can't we have moments like that?
21:01I can't believe you did that for quite a long time
21:03and it looks exactly the same.
21:06Couldn't do the same with yours, could we?
21:07Because it's made of wood.
21:08Your hand would...
21:14Jimmy combs it with a mallet.
21:17What Brits would buy if money were no object?
21:20Two boxes of Ferrero Rocher.
21:24A make-poverty-history wristband made of African gold and ivory.
21:30Come on, what would you buy if money were no object?
21:32Is it cleaner?
21:33I'll give you cleaner, it's actually a live-in maid.
21:40Best way to sell your house?
21:43Is it buying the developer's bible by Sarah Beattie for £18.99 for more good bookshops?
21:51I think the best way is don't mention the massacre.
21:55Let them find out over time from the neighbours.
21:59You're living at 32.
22:02Is it put it on the market?
22:06Is it have an adjustable sales plan?
22:08Remember, a reactive plan is an effective plan.
22:13Thank you.
22:18You've got to get the number one answer, or I'm afraid Channel 4 are taking away your contract.
22:22Send it.
22:23That's the right answer.
22:28Yes, the best way to sell your house is to build an extension.
22:31Oh, that noise tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the game.
22:34So I can tell you that the final scores are Ralph, Simon and Sean have 5 points,
22:37but Dave has 1, with Sarah and Ian with 7 points.
22:43Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:46and to all of you for watching at home.
22:48That's it from us. Good night.
22:54Well, if your wits is wry as Jimmy Carr and guests,
22:57consider a career in comedy via channel4.com.
23:02It's no laughing matter for science.
23:04He's out. Big Brother is next.