8 Out of 10 Cats. S02 E06.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 17th March 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Rob Rouse
Johnny Vegas
Christian Slater
Lauren Laverne

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, back in the West End being one flew over the cuckoo's nest,
00:27Captain Slater, Sassy Lassie, Lauren Lavergne, and their captain, Sean Lapp.
00:35And facing them tonight, Viva Las Johnny Vegas, Funny Man Rob Routs, and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:46Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, there will be an estimated 1.6 billion people in India by the year 2050?
01:06Good news if you're trying to get hold of directory inquiries.
01:10Half of Britain's school children don't know where ham comes from.
01:14Birmingham?
01:17And 40% of women never play any sport, despite the fact they're told in numerous adverts
01:23that they can swim, cycle, and roller skate with a Dalmatian once a month.
01:28Let's get started.
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:38We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:43It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:47Dave, Johnny, Rob, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:50Snow. The worst blizzards in Scotland for 10 years or something.
01:545,000 houses without power, wasn't it?
01:56Glasgow airport shot. That called.
01:58A bloke in Glasgow with a coat on.
02:00That's war. That's good.
02:02There is a serious message, because it is called.
02:04If you know an old person who lives near you, on their own, nip round, pop in, you know.
02:08Use their eating.
02:12They're getting allowance off the government.
02:15Do people really talk about the snow, though?
02:17Oh, yeah.
02:19They're all talking about it up there.
02:22Christian, have you got any idea what's going on?
02:24I can't understand a word they're saying.
02:29I just need your PIN number.
02:31All right.
02:33For the good cause.
02:36OK.
02:41We love the snow in the North, though, don't we? We actually love the snow.
02:43As soon as it comes down, we're out there, aren't we?
02:45Oh, yeah.
02:46We love the snow.
02:48We love the snow.
02:52The port's coming.
02:54No, we're not moving on to that until we've covered snow.
02:58It's white.
02:59It's basically a hard version of rain.
03:05And when it passed me test five months ago, I didn't know you had to take it off the windscreen.
03:11It was a magical invention in Canaria.
03:16Let's have a look and see if snow is one of the top five talking points this week.
03:20Yes, it is.
03:24Yes, everyone's been talking about the cold weather bringing parts of the country to a standstill this week.
03:28During the cold snap, gas prices have more than doubled.
03:31On the upside, it looks like the pension crisis might be over.
03:36Sean, Christian Slater and Lauren Laverne, what have the nation been talking about?
03:40Let's see, the Garrick Theatre, one for the cuckoo's nest.
03:45I think they've been talking about the scandal of the Labour Party selling peerages for cash.
03:53I think it's very strange that they're selling membership to a club which they've said they're going to disband quite soon.
04:00Do you want to join our club?
04:02Yeah, we'll get rid of it quite soon.
04:05You could be Sir Christian Slater for ten grand.
04:07Really?
04:08Yeah.
04:09It's about a million.
04:10It's about a million. Oh, forget it.
04:12I thought about doing that, because you could borrow a million quid, lend it to the Labour Party at the same interest rate you're paying,
04:19and then you're a lord, and when the bank phone up for the money, you go,
04:22do you have any idea who you're speaking to?
04:25£500,000, Michael Flatley paid, just to be lord of the dance.
04:31If he'd have paid a bit more, he could have used his arms. He didn't pay enough, that's it.
04:36Well, let's have a look and see whether Labour selling peerages is one of the top five stories this week.
04:40Yes, it is.
04:43Yes, Labour have been accused of selling peerages by exploiting a loophole where they accept loans instead of donations.
04:49They've been defended by a number of leading peers, Baroness Claims Direct, Sir Ocean Finance, and the Earl of Cornhill.
04:55But most embarrassingly, by Lord Archer.
05:00Christian Slater, how are you?
05:02I'm good, mate. Very good.
05:05What's he on about?
05:07I don't understand a word he's saying.
05:13Dave, Rob, Johnny, what else have they been talking about this week?
05:16Is it anything to do with this Sir Ian Blair fella?
05:19He's the chief of the Metropolitan Police, who apparently he got caught illegally taping a conversation he was having
05:25about the illegality of taping phone conversations, because he likes to tape stuff.
05:30Because usually if you bring him up, he kind of says,
05:32Hi, it's Ian Blair, I should warn you that this conversation is being taped for quality control and training purposes.
05:38Shoot.
05:39Does he want to get permission?
05:41If you're filming them, you definitely need permission, yeah.
05:44Especially if it's with a thermal imaging camera.
05:48I know exactly your body temperature now.
05:51Even at Blackpool, when you got off with the right quirky lass, it ruins the mood.
05:57When you finish with a quirky lass.
05:58Do that teddy bear with the massive eye.
06:04Christian, do you think people should be allowed to tape phone calls?
06:07To tape phone calls?
06:08Yeah.
06:09Is that what you guys are talking about?
06:10Yeah.
06:15It depends. I mean, there's certain conversations I wish I had taped in my life.
06:19Which conversations do you wish you'd taped?
06:20Well, you know, little private, quiet conversations that I wish...
06:24They're distant memories now, and I really enjoyed them when I was having them, so...
06:31Maybe she'd tape them, I don't know.
06:33I wish I'd taped... The other day I ordered a pizza.
06:35I wish I'd taped the conversation.
06:37Because I said, no olives.
06:41It turns out it's got olives in it.
06:43I said, I said, no olives.
06:44He said, no, you didn't say that, mate.
06:46If I taped it...
06:47I know what I said.
06:50I think everything should be taped, though.
06:55I'm taping now.
06:57It's good.
06:58Get that in the teddy bear's head and come to Blackpool.
07:06I was wondering whether, if you're on the phone to someone, and you're not taping it, but you're doing a doodle of them, do you have to tell them?
07:15It's been a bad week for the Blairs, hasn't it?
07:16Because Tony Blair got defeated in the Commons.
07:18Ian Blair.
07:19And apparently Lionel got his tie in his soup.
07:23Christian, do you know who Lionel Blair is?
07:25I love him like a brother.
07:27Yeah.
07:28He doesn't know who Tony Blair is.
07:30Leave Lionel out of it.
07:31I just got here.
07:32I mean, I've been rehearsing this play for the last two weeks, so I've just been working on my lines, pretty much.
07:36I've missed a lot of news.
07:37And you're playing a mental person in this play, are you?
07:39Yeah.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Mental.
07:42Hey, hey, hey.
07:43Maybe you could learn something.
07:44I'm watching, buddy.
07:45I'm watching.
07:46I'd like a shorter version of the Indian.
07:48Oh, yeah.
07:49Say this.
07:50Say, McMurphy, make me big again.
07:53This is your chance.
07:56It's okay.
08:00McMurphy, make me big again.
08:09Yeah.
08:15It's weird.
08:16You're about half a foot already.
08:17We could just do the whole play right here.
08:18Hey, hey.
08:19I could be the nurse and all.
08:20Go on, just strangle me.
08:22I'm really good at running out of breath.
08:26You bitch.
08:35Look at that.
08:36He's brilliant.
08:37I can tell you two are going to be friends.
08:41We were, before the interlude,
08:43we were talking about the police chief, Ian Blair,
08:45taping phone conversations.
08:46Let's have a look and see if it's in the top five.
08:49Yes, it is.
08:50The top story.
08:5353% of people were talking about chief police commissioner,
08:55Sir Ian Blair, secretly taping phone conversations.
08:58Ian Blair now answers his phone by saying,
09:00you have the right to remain silent,
09:01but could you just give me something for level?
09:05Sean's team,
09:06what else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:08The ex-president of Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic.
09:11Slobodan Milosevic has died.
09:12He died alone and friendless in an empty cell,
09:14aged 64.
09:16I love that happy ending, don't you?
09:19They said, oh, he managed to escape justice,
09:21very craftily, by dying.
09:25You crafty devil.
09:28I know how to get off this.
09:31You think Saddam Hussein's thinking,
09:32hey, oh, that's an idea.
09:35It's a shame that Slobodan Milosevic died,
09:37because we could have got them together
09:38and, like, sent them on tour,
09:39the Cage Dictators Tour.
09:41Would have been a bit like King Kong in New York.
09:43Just a big theatre, they open up, but don't be scared.
09:45They're burying him in Belgrade now, aren't they?
09:47But they were trying to work out
09:48whether they were going to bury him
09:49on Heroes Parade or something.
09:52Yeah, the Avenue of Heroes.
09:53That's right.
09:54They had a big debate as to whether to bury him
09:55on the Avenue of Heroes.
09:57I imagine that should have been
09:58the shortest debate in the world ever.
10:00Shall we bury him on the Avenue of Heroes?
10:01No.
10:03The weird thing is, they are.
10:06Dave, I'm on me death.
10:12I don't know what it's like being you now.
10:16Just out of water.
10:17Slobodan Milosevic, Vegas.
10:18Slobodan Milosevic.
10:21Say it again, go on.
10:22Say it again.
10:23Slobodan Milosevic.
10:24Slobodan Milosevic.
10:27I'm not taking piss, I'm trying.
10:28OK, all right.
10:29Look into my eyes, just concentrate.
10:30Slobodan Milosevic.
10:31But break it down for me!
10:33Slobodan Milosevic.
10:36Slobodan and Milosevic.
10:39Fair enough.
10:46Slobodan Milosevic.
10:47Let's have a look and see
10:48whether he's one of the big stories this week.
10:52Yes, the fourth most talked about thing this week
10:54was the death of Slobodan Milosevic.
10:56OK, there's one more thing to get in the top five.
10:58Fingers on buzzers.
10:59Buzz in if you think you know
11:00what the nation's been talking about.
11:01Is it everyone's talk about Basic Instinct 2
11:05with Sharon Stone,
11:06which is apparently going to be even sexier
11:08than the first one when she showed off her Nancy?
11:10And it's now going to be like looking at an old badger
11:13running into the woods.
11:15Bill Oddy's going to go wild for this one.
11:19Badger running into the woods.
11:22Were you at the premiere last night, Christian?
11:24Yes, I was.
11:25Go on, how was it?
11:26Honestly, she looks great.
11:27She does look brilliant for her age.
11:28Somehow, she was pretty hot.
11:29Is this the one Stan Collymore's in?
11:31Yes, Stan Collymore is in the opening sequence.
11:33He's good.
11:34Is Bruce Groblin in it?
11:37Sadly, no.
11:38OK, I'd like to tell you Basic Instinct 2
11:40was not one of the major talking points this week.
11:42Fingers on buzzers.
11:43What else have people been talking about?
11:45The pill.
11:46They've come up with a pill to cure heart disease.
11:48Yeah, it cleans your arteries out.
11:50How can't they get the fat off your arse with a pill
11:52if they can get it out of the ventricles of your heart?
11:54Basically, seal it, bang in the top of it.
11:58Barry Watts' chops.
11:59He's got no on his arse.
12:05I think the consequences are,
12:06basically, it's a slob's charter, isn't it?
12:09It means you can drink, eat,
12:10shovel pies down your face,
12:12sit on the sofa,
12:14watch Flog It for years,
12:16and then just go,
12:19I'm fine.
12:20Let's have a look and see if the pill to cure heart disease is up there.
12:23At the end of that round,
12:24Sean's team have three points,
12:25Dave's team have two points.
12:32The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:34We've looked through hundreds of surveys
12:35from past and present,
12:36from around the world,
12:37and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:39Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
12:41one salient piece of information,
12:42so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:44Here's your first one.
12:45Johnny.
12:47Ah, sir.
12:49Have you...
12:50I need to see a thing.
12:52He can't read.
12:54I can't read, I don't know what it says.
12:56OK, 76% of mechanics don't what?
12:59Don't agree with the consensus view
13:01that Ulysses is James Joyce's finest work
13:03because they actually quite prefer Finnegan's wig.
13:07Service cars properly.
13:08That is the correct answer,
13:09and the next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
13:11We've looked through hundreds of surveys
13:13from past and present,
13:14from around the world,
13:15and unearthed some fascinating facts.
13:17Service cars properly.
13:18That is the correct answer.
13:19Where the hell did I get that?
13:21I'm possessed.
13:24Oh, no.
13:26You're not having a point, dammit.
13:28You're not having a point, I'm hurt.
13:31I've turned off the buzzer.
13:35OK.
13:3775% of actors have what?
13:40Is it a cape and a trilby?
13:44I had one line in the film,
13:45I'm sure it will be cut,
13:46and it was location thing,
13:48and you get put in these little caravans.
13:50Yep.
13:51With chemical toilets.
13:52Yeah, trailers, yeah.
13:53Do you get them as well?
13:54No, it's not glamorous, I know.
13:56No, I got one of those, yeah,
13:58you gotta pump it and do the whole thing.
13:59Really?
14:00Yeah.
14:01So even Angelina Jolie,
14:02when she's off to work in the morning...
14:03Imagine that.
14:04Well, surely you don't think
14:05that if someone's that important,
14:06they get a caravan
14:07and then dig drains for them.
14:09You never know.
14:10You never know.
14:12So, I don't know,
14:1375% of actors have a harem.
14:16Have a harem, yeah.
14:17I thought you said a heron,
14:18like a big flying crane,
14:21like a heron.
14:22Like, this is an ostentatious thing,
14:23instead of a feather boa,
14:24I have a heron.
14:26You could probably phone up and go,
14:27get me a fucking heron.
14:29What was the percentage again?
14:3075% of actors.
14:32All right, it's gone.
14:35Had it been 72%,
14:37I had the funniest answer in the world.
14:4075% of actors
14:41have started their careers
14:42in a school nativity play.
14:44I only say that
14:45because I went to see my son,
14:46he was in his first nativity play.
14:48Which was great.
14:49Where was he?
14:50He was supposed to be Joseph,
14:51but he pissed about in rehearsals
14:52and they made him the innkeeper,
14:53so he screwed up the whole nativity,
14:54I was so proud.
14:55He was the innkeeper
14:56and they came to the door
14:57and the new Joseph said,
14:59I've come from afar,
15:00my wife and I,
15:01she's with child,
15:02is there any room at the inn?
15:03And he went, yeah, plenty of room,
15:04come in.
15:0675% of actors have what?
15:08The fake name or something like that?
15:10Correct.
15:11Yay!
15:1475% of actors
15:15have changed their name.
15:16A lot of entertainers
15:17changed their name.
15:18Norma Jean became Marilyn Monroe,
15:20Reg Dwight became Elton John,
15:21and Paul Gadd became
15:22prisoner H39702.
15:25Have you changed your name, Chris?
15:26No, no.
15:27There's actually,
15:28because my father actually
15:29has changed his name
15:30several times,
15:31but I don't know
15:32how many times,
15:33but he has changed his name
15:34several times in his life.
15:36Has he considered Vegas?
15:39Vegas is great,
15:40that's the best name,
15:41I know.
15:42Can I leave to work again?
15:49So at the end of that round,
15:50Sean, Christian and Lauren
15:51have seven points,
15:52Dave, Johnny and Rob
15:53have two points.
15:56Join me after the break,
15:57we will be finding out
15:58if God has a posh accent.
16:03Welcome back.
16:04The next round is
16:05Believe It or Not.
16:06In this round,
16:07I'll give the panellists
16:08a simple statement.
16:09All they have to do is decide
16:10whether they think it's true
16:11or false.
16:12Sean, Christian and Lauren,
16:13you're up first.
16:14Have a look at this clip
16:15to illustrate your statistic.
16:17Jesus loves the little children
16:21All the little children of the world
16:26Red or yellow,
16:28Little children of the world
16:31Red or yellow, black or white
16:34They are precious in His sight
16:37Jesus loves the little children
16:40Of the world
16:45Cause everything is beautiful
16:51In every way
16:56Like a starry summer night
16:58Or a song of a winter's day
17:07That was Neil Martin
17:08on Seaside Special in 1979
17:10singing about Jesus.
17:11Here is your related statistic.
17:1362% of people who claim to hear
17:15the voice of God
17:16say that he has a posh accent.
17:18Is that true or false?
17:20Firstly, I'm worried that you're polling
17:22people who hear the voice of God.
17:25It's funny when people hear voices.
17:26They always hear voices
17:27to make them do bad things.
17:28Never hear voices say
17:29Go home, do the washing up,
17:30go to bed early.
17:32Have a nice mug of cocoa.
17:34Really?
17:35I should be out killing people.
17:40I had a voice in my head
17:41and it got bored with me.
17:48Do you remember that
17:49The Greatest Britain poll
17:51that was a couple of years ago?
17:52I read that they did an American one.
17:54Do you know who got voted
17:55for the greatest American ever
17:57by Americans?
17:58Jesus.
18:01Seriously, it was Jesus.
18:03Christian, you proud American?
18:04Yeah, right now.
18:05I wouldn't do this like that.
18:08Oh, God.
18:09Okay, true or false?
18:10I'd say yes, they do.
18:11Well, I can tell you
18:12you're absolutely right.
18:13It is true.
18:14Wow, what a feeling.
18:1662% of people who claim to have
18:18heard the voice of God
18:19say he has a posh accent.
18:20Fair enough.
18:21I can't imagine God being a cockney.
18:22You nail my boy to what,
18:23you toilet?
18:25Okay, Dave, Johnny and Rob,
18:27let's have a look at a clip
18:28to illustrate your statistic.
18:29I mean, a bike's a bike.
18:30How would you describe a bike?
18:32If you have a bicycle
18:33but can't really describe it.
18:34No, I'm sorry,
18:36I didn't lock my bike.
18:37I didn't think it necessary.
18:38I just left it in my back way.
18:40And you leave your bike
18:41without a lock.
18:42No one locked-fenced it round here.
18:43Well, somebody fenced it,
18:44didn't they?
18:45And leave valuables
18:46in your saddlebag.
18:47I'd rather not see
18:48what's in the saddlebag.
18:49It's personal.
18:51You leave valuables
18:52in your bag for good.
18:53That was a public information film there
18:54about bike theft.
18:55Here's your related statistic.
18:56Sixteen percent of Brits
18:57would steal a child's bike
18:59if it were their only means
19:00of getting home
19:01after a drunken night out.
19:03Is that true or false?
19:04I'd steal a pram.
19:10You'd have to be pissed
19:11to even try
19:12and ride a kid's bike, though,
19:13wouldn't you, really?
19:14You wouldn't do that,
19:15no, like that,
19:16with them little streamers
19:17coming out of handlebars,
19:18like that.
19:19Get me a life, copper!
19:22Johnny,
19:23if you sat on a kid's bike,
19:24you wouldn't be able
19:25to see the front wheel.
19:27That's the beauty of it.
19:28It's good,
19:29and the posh voice
19:30is going,
19:31use your left hand
19:32and your right hand
19:33and allow gravity
19:34to send you home,
19:35fat fellow.
19:41There's a skip
19:42with a handy ramp.
19:43You can jump
19:44that police car.
19:49It's like watching
19:50a breakdown.
19:53What do you mean,
19:54like?
20:03Dave,
20:04what do you think,
20:05true or false?
20:06True.
20:07Oh, no,
20:08if you've got a little basket
20:09on the front for a kebab.
20:11There's no like it
20:12in seventy
20:13with a snack.
20:16The meat starts to bounce up
20:17and if you catch it
20:18like a seal.
20:24I can tell you,
20:25you're absolutely right.
20:27We got a point.
20:28Yes.
20:29We got a point.
20:30Sixteen percent of Brits
20:31would steal a child's bike
20:32if it were their only means
20:33of getting home
20:34after a drunken night out.
20:35How are the drunk kids
20:36going to get home?
20:37Steal a car, I suppose.
20:38So at the end of that round,
20:39I can tell you that
20:40Sean's team have eight points
20:41and Dave's team have three points.
20:46And the winner is
20:47the name of our final round.
20:48I'm going to give the teams
20:49a series of opinion polls.
20:50It's up to them to buzz in
20:51and tell me who or what
20:52they think came top.
20:53Here is your first one.
20:54Kids' most popular excuse
20:56for not doing their homework.
20:57Is it that they were doing
20:58their kids' homework?
21:00So they couldn't
21:01do it themselves?
21:02What, me and those
21:03teenage mums?
21:04Yeah.
21:05It's one of the complex issues
21:06raised by children
21:07having children
21:08in this country today.
21:09I was driving through
21:10an estate called
21:11Brakemeet and Ball,
21:12which is rough,
21:13and somebody on the bed sheet
21:14out the window
21:15that said,
21:16I'm going to the Oscars.
21:19Christian,
21:20when you were at school,
21:21weren't you in
21:22The Name of the Rose
21:23and Prince of Thieves?
21:24How old were you
21:25when you were in those?
21:26Fifteen, sixteen, yeah.
21:27So presumably,
21:28you didn't have to do any,
21:29you went,
21:30oh, I'm going to the Oscars.
21:31I still had to do schoolwork.
21:32I still had to go to school
21:33and do all that.
21:34I had a tutor,
21:35lovely tutor,
21:36lovely lady.
21:37She helped me out a lot.
21:38Did you sleep with your tutor?
21:39There was a little glint
21:40in your eye that suggests
21:41that your tutor was teaching
21:42you a lot of things.
21:43Thanks for picking that up.
21:44A lot of things
21:46She was lovely,
21:47yes,
21:48and I learned a lot.
21:51Is it that they actually
21:52did their homework,
21:53but it was in the backpack
21:54and they left it unattended
21:55at the bus station
21:56and the police blew it up?
21:58It's not that imaginative.
21:59Is it,
22:00they forgot it,
22:01lost it?
22:02That's exactly it.
22:03I forgot it is the number one answer.
22:05There are various punishments
22:06for a child
22:07that doesn't do their homework.
22:08Lines,
22:09detention,
22:10and a lifelong career
22:11at Dixon's.
22:13Top problem
22:14Top problem
22:15for chronic coughers.
22:17They cough a lot.
22:20Is it not being allowed
22:21to go on
22:22Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
22:25Or is it in the audience?
22:30Is it sneaking up on people?
22:37You wouldn't get much work
22:38in porn,
22:39would you, Gary?
22:45Oh, good.
22:58Pulling a muscle or something?
22:59I mean,
23:00you might pull a muscle.
23:01It's not pulling a muscle.
23:02It's to do with,
23:03it's an aspect of everyday life.
23:04Is it having sex?
23:05Correct.
23:06That's the right answer.
23:10Well, that sound tells me
23:11it's the end of the round
23:12and the end of the show,
23:13because the final scores are
23:14Sean, Christian and Lauren
23:15have 11 points,
23:16Dave, Johnny and Rob have 4 points,
23:17which means Sean's team
23:18are the winners.
23:21Thanks to all our panelists,
23:22our wonderful studio audience
23:23and to all of you
23:24for watching at home.
23:25That's it from us.
23:26Good night.
23:31Black books,
23:32Bill Bailey,
23:33brilliant stand-up
23:34from a bearded, babbling,
23:35bug-eyed lunatic.
23:365 past 11 tonight.
23:38Next tonight,
23:39how karma works
23:40in mysterious ways.
23:41The fab Jon Favreau
23:42and he's a mean...
23:44My name is Earl.