First broadcast 10th March 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Krishnan Guru-Murthy
Frankie Boyle
Les Dennis
Chantelle Houghton
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Krishnan Guru-Murthy
Frankie Boyle
Les Dennis
Chantelle Houghton
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Les is more, it's Les Dennis!
00:27Here's the news, it's Krishnan Guru-Murthy!
00:30And their captain, Sean Locke!
00:34And facing them tonight, from Big Brother, it's Chantel!
00:38Taking the high road, Frankie Boyle!
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:51Well, thanks very much. Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, 14% of cat owners think their cat is more important than their job.
01:03And the thing is, if they think that, they're probably right.
01:07Most deaths in hospitals are between the hours of 3 and 4 in the afternoon.
01:12All I'm saying is, it's only a countdown conundrum, don't have a stroke about it.
01:19And the average man will spend 2,965 hours shaving during his lifetime.
01:26It's the bit round the balls that takes the time.
01:29Let's get started.
01:37What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:45It's our panelist's job to guess the public's top five most popular talking points.
01:48Krishnan, Sean and Les, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:51I think definitely the ongoing Tessa Jowell story.
01:55She's left her husband now, or separated from him.
01:57I think you can be a bit hard on Tessa Jowell though.
01:59Because, I mean, the point is that she didn't know about the gift.
02:03And she didn't know that her mortgage had been paid off.
02:06And she didn't actually know she was married to David Mills until she read about it in the Sunday Times.
02:12The thing is that, I mean, some people say that, did they split up genuinely or was it an attempt to save her career?
02:18Apparently what really ticked the balance was when she found out for the last ten years he hasn't been sending off the pools coupons.
02:25He's been pocketing the money.
02:27He's obsessed with money, isn't he? Because he's married a woman called Tessa.
02:33Let's do this!
02:36Aren't we asking quite a lot of our politicians to actually notice £350,000 in their bank account?
02:41For some of us it's a lot of money.
02:44Channel 4 News, they paid a big bucks.
02:48But as relationship blunders go, it's quite serious, isn't it?
02:51It's not like he's come home pissed and had a slash in the wardrobe.
02:56You know, you could get over that.
02:58He's ruined her career.
03:00You know, that's quite a serious thing to do, isn't it? Ruin someone's career.
03:03You can't make that up with breakfast in bed.
03:05Some politicians ruin their own careers by going on Big Brother.
03:10Do you like me to be the cat?
03:12Yeah, OK.
03:17So that's going to be a very different kind of AI, I think.
03:21Did you like the fellow? Did you like George Galloway?
03:23At first I thought he was really crafty, he had shifty eyes and everything.
03:28But it completely changed my mind about him by cheating and lying.
03:31And then I realised that, from a gut instinct, he was a very horrible man.
03:36And do you know what?
03:37Sorry, at first you thought he had shifty eyes.
03:39And then you realised he was horrible.
03:42He really changed your mind, didn't he?
03:44Yeah, I realised he was horrible, then I realised that he was actually all right.
03:47But he weren't all right, because he turned out that he was actually horrible.
03:50When someone changes your mind, you've got to end up in a different place than when you started.
03:53That's the whole nature of changing one's mind.
03:55Do you know what the funny thing is?
03:57I was on a shoot today, right, and I come out, right, on...
04:01I'm living the dream.
04:07No, right, I am living the dream.
04:09But I walked out, right, on a street, a London street, with no one else around.
04:13And who do I bump into?
04:14Batman.
04:17No, George Galloway.
04:19Yeah, because he's following you.
04:22Was he in the back of a van with some binoculars?
04:25Oh, what a coincidence, Chantal.
04:28How was it when you bumped into George, then? Did you...?
04:30He asked me how my nan was, which was the first question that came out of his mouth.
04:35How is your nan?
04:36My nan's fine.
04:37Are you sure that isn't just a slang expression he uses?
04:41How's your nan?
04:44In some places they call it a pitter.
04:48Well, let's have a look if Tessa Gow is one of the most talked about things this week.
04:52Yes, it is.
04:54Dave, your team, what else have The Nation been talking about this week?
04:57The Oscars.
04:58I liked Reese Witherspoon saying that she dedicated the whole thing to all the men that had ever dumped her.
05:04And you think, well, they don't care, do they?
05:06They're all sitting in the pub going, I've shagged that Oscar winner.
05:09I mean, I was lying about Hal Berry, but I have shagged this one.
05:14The thing is that you've got Reese Witherspoon, who earns $28 million a film.
05:18She's got all those pubs, right?
05:20Right?
05:29And they're packed.
05:31You can't get served on a Friday.
05:34Flash beef Brokeback Mountain, didn't it?
05:36It was controversial, though, wasn't it? I mean, I thought those guys in Brokeback Mountain were shafted.
05:40I think the best thing about watching the Oscars is actually watching the nominees sit there when the winner's announced.
05:51Because I've been there. Not actually at the Oscars.
05:53Not the Oscars, no.
05:55Have you never been to the Oscars?
05:56No, the Challenge Game Show Awards.
06:04I've sat there, and you sit there with the camera on you.
06:08Probably a throwaway camera, isn't it?
06:11You have to sit and smile for it, though.
06:14Let's have a look and see whether the Oscars were one of the most talked about things this week.
06:19Yes, they were.
06:2147% of you were talking about the Oscars.
06:23It was a vintage year, with films nominated dealing with such controversial issues as racism, homosexuality, gender reassignment and suicide bombers.
06:31Britain won an Oscar for a film about a plasticine dog that likes cheese.
06:37What else have the nation been talking about?
06:39Is it Kate Moss? One of her inner sanctum.
06:42She said when she went to South Africa, she stayed at Nelson Mandela's house, where she took cocaine.
06:48Nelson Mandela's house.
06:50Isn't that where Del Boy lives?
06:55That's probably what's happened.
06:57There's been a mix-up.
06:58She was in Peckham buying gear.
07:02I just like the idea that he would have to go back to jail, because he found a load of coke in his toilet.
07:06Bit unfair, wouldn't it?
07:07Come on, Nelson, get back here.
07:11Dave, have you been following the Kate Moss thing?
07:12Well, yeah.
07:13At some party, she snorted a line off the carpet.
07:16And it must have been like when you're oovering at home, everybody pick your feet up.
07:22Well, she does this advert now.
07:23She's on some advert on the television for make-up.
07:25She always pops up on that.
07:26She gets out of this car in the morning.
07:27It's, oh, does she look so lively and fresh-faced.
07:30Home, where's that energy come from?
07:33Bolivia.
07:34Bolivia.
07:36I can tell you that Kate Moss wasn't one of the most talked-about things this week.
07:39In a recent interview, Kate Moss complained of memory loss.
07:42She said, yeah, it's terrible.
07:43I get these flashes of bright lights, and I find myself standing around doing nothing in my pants.
07:47That's your job, love.
07:48You're a model.
07:51I'll take it over to you.
07:52Is it Chico being number one and generally a Muppet?
07:57He's a sort of manufactured pop act who they've manufactured by melting down Peter Andre and a couple of Spaniels.
08:07So could you get off the fence?
08:08Tell me what you think about him.
08:11I don't know.
08:12He's a sort of goat herding anomaly from Morocco.
08:16The last time you would have had a proper goat herder on the top of the pops will have been as part of Freddie Mercury's Rider.
08:27Excellent.
08:28What do you think of him, Chantal? Do you like him?
08:31Who are we talking about?
08:35We were talking about Chico.
08:37Oh, Chico.
08:38He's a minor celebrity of no consequence.
08:42We'll have a look and see whether Chico is one of the top stories this week.
08:46Yes, he was.
08:48Everyone, it seems, has been talking about Chico reaching number one.
08:51Chico's real name is Yusof Slimani.
08:54But if you were to shout, it's Yusof Slimani time on a plane, you'd be wrestled to the ground and someone would take your shoes off.
09:03OK, fingers on buzzers. What else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:06They've been talking about Tony Blair's great revelation that he waits for God to judge him on the war in Iraq.
09:14On Parkinson?
09:15Yes.
09:16Did you see it?
09:17Yes, I did. It was quite outrageous, wasn't it?
09:19I hope for his sake God's not called Allah.
09:24The first thing is, what's he doing on Parkinson?
09:27That is the softest ride you can get.
09:30Parkinson might as well give you a foot massage and a happy finish.
09:36I'd chat you long time.
09:40If Michael Parkinson asked you a question and you told him to piss off, he would.
09:46If God was really judging Blair, he'd have made him appear on Divina.
09:50And the other thing I thought in that interview was amazing was when Michael Parkinson said,
09:54what's your special relationship with George Bush?
09:56He goes, what I like about George is, when he says something, when he says he can do something, he does it.
10:01So he's the political equivalent of Ron Seal, basically.
10:07I say something and I does it.
10:10Well, let's have a look and see whether Tony Blair is one of the top five talked about things this week.
10:14Yes, it is.
10:19Yes, everyone's been talking about the fact that Tony Blair was on Parkinson justifying his decision to go to war.
10:24Next week, Saddam Hussein is giving his side of the story on Dez and Mal.
10:30OK, there's one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers. What else have people been talking about?
10:34Is it the story that if you take your kids on holiday out of term time, you can go to prison?
10:39The thing is, if you go on holiday and leave your kids in school, you're in even more trouble.
10:44They don't like that at all. That's very bad.
10:47And if you stay at home and send your kids on holiday, especially if it's summer like Vietnam...
10:54Krishnan, you've got kids. Would you take them on holiday during term time?
10:56I would.
10:57What if you're in prison and someone says, what are you in for, Krishnan?
11:00Tuscany in March.
11:03Yeah, couldn't help myself.
11:07I reckon you'd be very respected by the other prisoners.
11:09I reckon you'd be very respected by the other prisoners.
11:11Yeah, yeah.
11:12I took them to Alton Towers. I'm a Roman.
11:17Let's have a look and see whether taking your kids on holiday during term time is one of the most talked about things.
11:22Yes, it was.
11:23Yes, this week it was ruled that children aren't allowed to go on holiday in term time.
11:27The offending parents face jail.
11:29Imagine being locked up in a cramped cell.
11:31No windows, terrible food, people crying and vomiting.
11:34And then when you get back from your easy cruise, you face prison.
11:37Well, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Les and Krishnan have three points.
11:40Dave, Chantel and Frankie have two points.
11:45The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:47We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:51Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
11:54So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:56Here's your first question.
11:5725% of women pretend to be pleased when what?
12:00They never ever are.
12:02I mean, sorry, um...
12:04Is everything alright at home?
12:08Is it when their husband brings them flowers from the garage?
12:11Do you get annoyed at that?
12:12I don't.
12:13Flowers from the garage?
12:14I've never had flowers from the garage.
12:15Off a lamp post then.
12:19That's just lazy, isn't it?
12:20It's just lazy.
12:23It's one of the sins, yes.
12:24When their husbands get their photos published in Reader's Wives.
12:27Oh, Dave!
12:29Brilliant.
12:30Oh, they accepted them.
12:33Well, hold on, they got the town wrong.
12:34We're not from Doggister.
12:41That's happened to Dave, hasn't it?
12:44He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:46He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:48He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:50He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:51He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:52He wouldn't put a chain on his face.
12:53He wouldn't put Charlie on it.
12:54I've seen you!
12:56The black mark on it.
12:58I'd recognise that silver bonce anywhere.
13:01I'll give you a clue.
13:02The answer is related to gift giving.
13:04Something else you buy a lady.
13:05What else do you buy ladies?
13:06Underwear.
13:07Underwear.
13:08Correct.
13:09Well done.
13:12OK.
13:1380% of Brits think monkeys should not what?
13:1680% of Brits think monkeys should not go near Pete Burns.
13:19No.
13:20Because he'll kill them.
13:21He'll kill them?
13:23Make a coat out of them.
13:24Oh yes, he had his monkey coat.
13:26I'd like to have seen this coat.
13:27Did he wear it?
13:28Yeah, yeah.
13:29He wore it a lot.
13:30Was it all the faces?
13:33I'd love that.
13:34A coat just made out of monkey faces.
13:36That would really freak people out at night, wouldn't it?
13:38You just step into the light.
13:40I like that.
13:42Have you ever been to Chessington Zoo?
13:43Where they mix the fun fair and the zoo.
13:45I went there.
13:46And the roller coaster goes over the gorilla's cage.
13:49And I swear, as I was going over, one of the gorillas looked up and just saluted me.
13:55You know, for my evolutionary superiority.
13:59He's waiting for a go on a tyre.
14:03I'm in a magic mouse going, woo-hoo.
14:06He's going, you beat me.
14:09Monkeys should not be kept as pets.
14:11Or not be kept in cages.
14:13That is the right answer.
14:14There you go.
14:15Well done.
14:16Well done.
14:2080% of Brits think monkeys should not be kept as pets.
14:23Which is fair enough, because although it would be fun to have a monkey around, you get very emotionally attached.
14:27And when it dies, it's heartbreaking.
14:29Also, have you ever tried to flush a monkey?
14:37My mum had a monkey as a pet.
14:39But it tore up their house in India.
14:41And so she had to kill it.
14:46Any more heartwarming stories of your youth?
14:50She didn't have to kill it like that, though, did she?
14:54How did she kill it?
14:55No, she didn't kill it. That was a joke.
14:58I think she just got rid of it.
14:59No, no, I'm with you. I think she did kill it.
15:01He's trying to cover up for his mum.
15:02Your mum killed a monkey.
15:05Your mum killed a monkey.
15:09So at the end of that round, it's four points for Sean's team and five points for Dave's team.
15:13Join me after the break, when we'll be finding out if Britain is the angriest nation in Europe.
15:29Welcome back. The next round is called Believe It or Not.
15:32In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement.
15:34All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:38Sean, Les and Christian, have a look at this clip to illustrate your statistic.
15:41Fuck off!
15:42That's what you can do if you want to do.
15:44Look, I'm down bloody here and don't fucking, don't bloody, come down bloody, like a bloody pest in the way.
15:52Fuck ask you to come in and have a cup of tea and then you're telling me what the fuck.
15:56Jesus Christ couldn't tell me what the fuck to do, never mind you.
16:06Sean's dad, then.
16:11I like the idea that he's going towards Shane Ritchie doing a Daz advert.
16:19I'll give you two for this.
16:24Okay, here is your related statistic.
16:26Britain is the angriest nation in Europe. True or false?
16:30How would you measure who's angrier than who?
16:32If you took the Scots out, we'd probably be alright.
16:35I don't know, I think English football fans are the only people who when they visit another country, the police there have to go into special training weeks.
16:45And you know that every time there's like a tournament in Spain or something, the local police are all in a field beating cows to death with a truncheon.
16:53Get some practice in.
16:55Yeah, but Scotland, I went to Scotland once when all the rugby was on and all there was was like fat men with no tops on kicking each other in the straight.
17:02That was our Mardi Gras.
17:07We can't be the angriest nation. I mean, we get angry, but we just get quite vexed. We never follow it through.
17:12If you're on the phone to somebody getting really, really annoyed on the phone, our idea of getting angry is getting angry when you've hung up.
17:17And then it's like, yeah, right, yeah, no, you see, you're not, yeah, okay, right, oh, fair enough, yeah. You wanker!
17:26People argue with me, they say I'm Keith Chegwin and I say, no, I'm not.
17:30And they say, yes, you are. And they row with me. I'm not Keith Chegwin, you bloody are. I'm Les Dennis, don't be ridiculous, he's dead.
17:40I actually had somebody say that to me.
17:43Bless him.
17:45Can we just get on with this?
17:48He looked at you like you were a young monkey.
17:52Like he was just going to rip you apart like a chicken wing.
17:56That looks like, that's me after meeting your mum.
18:00Britain is the angriest nation in Europe. True or false? What do you think, Sean?
18:04No, it's false. It's the Swiss. They're livid.
18:07You're going for false?
18:08False.
18:09False.
18:10You are right.
18:13I can tell you that the answer is false. Britain is Europe's second most angry country after Portugal.
18:19Which means that Portugal go on to meet Iran in the final.
18:24Dave, Chantelle and Frankie, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:29One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
18:34I know what that is. Wasn't that the day that you visited Scotland?
19:01For those footballers, they love a sale.
19:04Okay, your related statistic is 12% of British men admit having been reduced to tears during a shopping trip. True or false?
19:12I only cried once and it's when I went to DFS and bought a saw for full price.
19:18The one day of the year.
19:20I've been very upset by stuff I've bought. I fell out with this girlfriend of mine because, you know, she seemed really upset.
19:26Because she thinks there's a big difference between, like, semi-skimmed and banana flavoured milk.
19:32It's milk! Come on! It's just nitpicking!
19:37I've been in a supermarket and people come and say, what are you doing here?
19:40And I'm like, well, I'm doing my shopping. Every now and again I've got to eat.
19:45It's kind of like they think there's a celebrity Asda somewhere, you know, that we all go to.
19:50There is actually, Les, you haven't been invited.
19:57I don't know.
20:00That was nice, the little showbiz, yeah.
20:05Okay, so 12% of British men admit having been reduced to tears during a shopping trip. True or false? What do you think?
20:10We all think it's true.
20:11You think it's true? Well, I'm afraid you're wrong.
20:14Actually, just 3% of men have broken down and cried during a shopping trip.
20:18In their defence, they were shopping for their wife's coffin.
20:22It's the ones you would have wanted. What, the first one you saw?
20:26So at the end of that round, it's 5 points for Sean's team and 5 points for Dave's team.
20:33And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:35I'm going to give our teams a series of opinion polls and all they have to do is buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:41Here is your first one. Most entertaining moment of 2005.
20:46For me, it was the woman who had her arm bitten off by a lion.
20:52Did you see that?
20:54She was feeding this lion a chicken sandwich and it took her arm off.
20:58That's funny, that, isn't it?
21:01Well, I mean, no, because she's English, so what did she do?
21:03Because, you know, if you're English and you have an accident, your biggest worry is, has anybody seen you?
21:07You know, like, you have to walk into a lamppost when you're going down the street.
21:10You might have a hairline fracture in your skull, but has anybody seen you?
21:14There's blood coming out of your ears, but no, I'm all right, I'm all right.
21:17And I'm just wondering whether she went, come on.
21:20And everybody's like, are you all right? Yeah.
21:25What am I like?
21:28Chantelle, any idea? What was your best moment of 2005?
21:31When I bought a really nice pink dress that I wanted for ages.
21:34Me too!
21:40Most entertaining moment of 2005.
21:42Give us a clue.
21:43Well, OK, the clue is it's a British poll and it's a sports-related thing.
21:48Is it the Ashes?
21:49Correct.
21:53Yes, the most entertaining moment of 2005 was England winning the Ashes.
21:56I remember the moment we won. I was just getting up to turn off the telly.
22:01OK, most common way people mistreat pet rabbits.
22:04I'll tell you something you could do with rabbits.
22:06It's cruel, but it's not terminal.
22:09What you do is you get the rabbit, get its ears, and you tie the ears to the hands of a clock.
22:16And at midday, everything's fine.
22:20But as the day goes on...
22:27And then around about half six...
22:30Did you learn that off his mum?
22:33Is it chopping its foot off for luck?
22:36Is it taking it greyhound racing?
22:41That would be brilliant to throw one in, though, wouldn't it?
22:44A little fat one.
22:45Run!
22:47I don't know.
22:48Jimmy, actually.
22:49Tell them they're adopted.
22:54No.
22:55The most common way people mistreat pet rabbits is not giving them clean water.
22:58It's actually very important.
22:59I recently gave my pet rabbit a nice hot bath with some onions and a bit of salt.
23:04With some onions, garlic, and dumplings.
23:07Dumplings is the name of my guinea pig.
23:12Right, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the game,
23:14which means the final scores are...
23:16Sean, Les, and Christian have eight points.
23:18Dave, Chantal, and Frankie have five points.
23:23Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:25and to all of you for watching at home.
23:26That's it from us. Good night.
23:28Tomorrow night at eight, a three-headed attack on the great and good
23:31from Bremner, Bird, and Fortune.
23:33And that's followed at nine by Hugh Grant discovering his potential father-in-law
23:37is more of a godfather figure in the romantic mob comedy,
23:41Mickey Blue Eyes.