8 Out of 10 Cats. S04 E04.

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First broadcast 10th November 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Sally Lindsay
Reginald D Hunter
Louis Walsh
Rhys Thomas

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:19Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:22Star Stories star, Bruce Cummings,
00:25the X-Man, Louie Walt,
00:28and their captain, John Locke.
00:31And facing them tonight, a treat from the street,
00:34Sally Lindsay,
00:36American beauty, Reginald E. Hunter,
00:39and their captain, Dave Sparkey.
00:42Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:51Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:53a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:55Did you know, for example, the average British male
00:57has sex 2,580 times during their life?
01:00Statistically, that means I'm going to live until I'm 197.
01:0669% of Americans believe they will go somewhere after death.
01:09Well, certainly, we're going to lift them off the toilet.
01:14And an octopus has three hearts,
01:16so when octopus couples are having difficulties,
01:18they get together for a heart-to-heart-to-heart-to-heart-to-heart-to-heart.
01:21Let's get started.
01:26What Are You Talking About?
01:28That's the name of our first round.
01:30We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:32and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:35It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:38Dave, Sally, Reg, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:41Saddam Hussein got found guilty this week.
01:43They said he must stand up for the verdicts, and he wouldn't stand up.
01:45And so they got these two court officers to help him up,
01:47and he was picking one up when he turned to them,
01:49and he said, get off me, don't make me bend, you ugly man.
01:53And I thought, he's showing his true colours now.
01:57I liked him up to that, but that's just bloody rude.
02:00He said he didn't want to be hung, he wanted to be shot, like a soldier, didn't he?
02:03I think it's time we compromised.
02:05Do both.
02:07Sting him up by his feet, get him swinging like that.
02:09Three shots a pound, come on.
02:13Maybe that's why he looks so disappointed, cos he wanted to be shot.
02:16Yeah.
02:18Oh, that'll be hard.
02:21Oh, that'll be hard.
02:23It'll be like at Christmas, if you're on a bike and you get a jigsaw.
02:29You know they're going to kill him for bad things he did to lots of people.
02:33I had an idea that they should kill him the way...
02:35You know when they pulled down his statue and they dragged it slightly with cars and tanks?
02:41You know, you've seen the news.
02:43I think they should do the same with him and kill him in that way.
02:45You'll get lots of children, you know, to recreate that dragging down of the statue.
02:49And then put a bit of rope round him with tiny little cars.
02:52What are you looking at me like that for?
02:55This is like watching the news.
02:58And then you just drag him out of the room and he'll kind of fall in half at one point.
03:02And then anyone can just jump on his head.
03:04The thing I thought about him was that...
03:06I was going to say, you can't just move straight off.
03:09What you're saying is they should push him over.
03:11They should slowly...
03:13I sentenced you to death by pushing over.
03:16In America, they don't have executions.
03:18This is totally Christian driven too.
03:20In America, they don't have executions on Sundays or Mondays.
03:23Because on Sundays, God don't want to see no new people on his day off.
03:33And then you don't want to have your people executing somebody on Monday
03:36because you're just back to work.
03:40You should be ready to murder somebody by Wednesday.
03:44He must have done some good for someone.
03:46Was it Mr. Hussein?
03:48He must have done some good for someone.
03:49Yeah, there must be some good things in Iraq.
03:51He was very good to his mum.
03:53Did he kill her?
03:54Huh? Did he kill her?
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah, why not? He's not going to sue us.
03:58Saddam Hussein killed his mum.
04:01Come get me.
04:04Good, well should we have a look and see if Saddam is one of the most talked about things this week?
04:08Of course he is.
04:09The most talked about thing this week.
04:13Saddam has been sentenced to death by hanging.
04:15He thought he found a loophole.
04:16No, Saddam, that's a noose.
04:20Sean, Louis and Rhys, what have the nation been talking about this week?
04:22Four-year-old girl's depressed. She's a bit down.
04:25And she talked to the doctor and he said, yes, she's depressed.
04:29Instead of what he should have done, actually, when he went,
04:31so he should have listened to all her symptoms, he should have just gone,
04:33hold on a sec.
04:34Boom!
04:37And it would have been fine.
04:39Apparently the reason this girl is depressed is because she didn't get into the right primary school.
04:43That was the answer.
04:44Yeah, but the reason she didn't get in is because her parents didn't put the application in time.
04:48So the reason she's depressed is that her parents are a couple of pricks.
04:53She tried to slit her wrist with stickle bricks.
04:59That's a nice image, yeah.
05:00She put her head in the oven, but it's one of those little plastic ones, it's fine.
05:04I, when I was four, I used to get Randy, I used to rub myself against the chair leg.
05:09Honestly, my mum would say, stop that, it's naughty.
05:11And my dad would say, don't tell him, don't stop, he's Welsh.
05:13He'd say, don't tell him to stop, because he might go funny in the head.
05:16And I think I did it until I was about 14.
05:20Get on the chair leg and rub like that.
05:29That's funny.
05:33I don't know how they spotted it, I mean, I don't know how they actually identified her depression.
05:36She's not listening to, you know, Leonard Cohen in a room.
05:41Sort of sat up there smoking, I mean, there's...
05:43She's up in her room listening to the Tweenies' very difficult second album.
05:48Let's have a look and see whether this four-year-old depressed girl is one of the most talked about things of the week.
05:52Oh, it is.
05:57This is the story of the four-year-old girl who's depressed about not getting into the right primary school.
06:01It's not uncommon for small children to get depressed.
06:03I know a baby who cries all day and can't get out of bed.
06:08Doctors knew something was seriously wrong when she stopped laughing at the Chuckle Brothers.
06:11To me, to you, to me, to you. What's the point? Keep it.
06:17Dave Steen, what else should the nation be talking about this week?
06:19I guess the American midterm elections.
06:22People's excited, too, that Rumsfeld resigned, and just, so what?
06:29Bush is not real, but the people who back Bush, those are the dangerous people. You don't never see them.
06:34You know, getting upset with Bush is like some kid coming up to me with a puppet and going, you know,
06:38out of my way, Darkie, and I going, you damn puppet, I hate you!
06:48Ned Vandermeer's mean smile said, Democrats spell disaster for Bush.
06:54Can't spell for shit, can he?
06:57Apparently, the reason they lost was because of the war in Iraq.
06:59It's costing them a billion a week.
07:01Yeah, a billion pounds a week.
07:02Yeah, who's bloody paying for it, eh?
07:04It's us.
07:08Isn't it?
07:09Have you thought about writing for the Daily Mail?
07:12Because you don't seem to understand much, but you seem sort of upset about it,
07:15and that's always one of the key things.
07:17Yeah, my mum buys the Daily Mail, right, only because the ink doesn't come off on your hands.
07:21You know what's keeping it there?
07:22What?
07:23Hate.
07:25So I can sit here with a BNP pamphlet going, no, I don't agree with it, but, you know, it's lovely paper.
07:31Louis, what do you make of the midterm elections, I imagine?
07:34Jimmy, I just, I've never been a fan of Bush.
07:37Never been a fan?
07:43God bless you for your honesty.
07:46Schwarzenegger got back in again as well, didn't he?
07:49Did you hear what he said when he got back in?
07:51I love sequels.
07:53If he loves sequels, why doesn't he go and make Kindergarten Cop 2?
07:57I always felt that that never resolved properly, that film at the end.
08:00What a great film.
08:02I used to like, you know, Schwarzenegger movies back in the 80s,
08:05and something bothered me about those movies were like,
08:07he would be playing these American roles, and no one would notice he sounded different.
08:12And as racist as America is, he would have been like,
08:15Billy, let's get out of here.
08:17Let's get out of here.
08:25You'd think his partner would go, where the fuck are you from?
08:30Right, well let's have a look and see if the midterm elections are one of the most talked about things this week.
08:33Ooh, McEloy.
08:37President Bush was remarkably upbeat about the Democrat victory,
08:40until he found out he wasn't a Democrat.
08:43Donald Rumsfeld has been forced to resign.
08:45He's been replaced by someone more popular, compassionate and caring.
08:48It's a scarecrow of Darth Vader that belches poisonous gas.
08:53Sean, Louis, Rhys, what else have The Nation been talking about this week?
08:56Is it Genesis coming back?
09:00Oh, yeah.
09:01The Nation's thrilled.
09:04I know that you've been talking, you're a massive Genesis fan, aren't you?
09:07Yeah.
09:09Anyone who laughs?
09:10Anyone who laughs, frankly, hasn't listened to enough of their music.
09:15Anyone who still has the ability to laugh?
09:18Hasn't listened to enough of their music.
09:19They're not really coming back, Jimmy, though, because Peter Gabriel's not in the band.
09:22He was the talented one.
09:27It's not one of the most talked about things of the week.
09:29Maybe it will be now. Now everyone knows.
09:32Everyone can start talking about it from this point onwards.
09:35There's people with a sandwich in their mouth going, what?
09:37What?
09:42Get that?
09:44It's true, Genesis are reforming.
09:45Famously, Phil Collins once performed on top of the pumps with a tin of paint
09:48because his wife had run off with a decorator.
09:50The decorator didn't mind because he was fucking Phil Collins' wife and had plenty of paint.
09:57Fingers on buzzers, what else have The Nation been talking about this week?
10:00Britney's divorce.
10:01She divorced her husband.
10:02By text.
10:03By text.
10:05That's come as a shock, though, this Britney thing, hasn't it?
10:07That it's not lasted.
10:08When you saw the wedding, all beautiful and all that, matching tracksuits.
10:12Trailer party, he's got pimp on the back of his.
10:15You know, what went wrong?
10:17Do you think it's a good thing, bad thing?
10:18If they don't want to be married, then yeah.
10:20That's the point of the divorce.
10:24Can't fault you on that.
10:26They were both unhappy.
10:27It's the first good point you've made.
10:30Do you think she was mad to marry him in the first place?
10:32I really don't care.
10:35Thank you very much.
10:39Let's have a look and see whether Britney Spears is one of the most talked about things this week.
10:44Yes, of course it was.
10:46Yes, Britney Spears has split up with Kevin Federline.
10:49I feel sorry for Kevin Federline.
10:50He genuinely thought that they'd be together for the rest of his album's promotional period.
10:55Okay, one more to get.
10:56Fingers on buzzers, what else have people been talking about this week?
10:59Is it this Tory councillor with the racist poem that she's forwarded, emailed on to everyone?
11:04She's not only an evil, stupid cow, she's illiterate as well.
11:07She sent this poem around to hundreds of people and it's just outrageous.
11:11I think it's white folks overreacting.
11:14Because there's two types of racism.
11:16Real racism where people get hurt and can't get houses.
11:19Or there's that fake racism that white people get upset about where somebody's feelings might get hurt.
11:24People are so sensitive now, especially middle class white people.
11:27They're afraid of being accused of being racist.
11:29Sometimes for fun, I'll call a white guy racist who I know isn't racist and just watch him lose his mind.
11:35I'm not racist, no, no, I'm buying you a drink.
11:37I'm going to show you I'm not racist.
11:39Want to fuck my sister?
11:40See, I'm not racist.
11:43The fact you never called my sister as well.
11:47She used that old cliché that said, oh, I didn't mean it offensively because I have friends that are Asian.
11:51Yeah.
11:52Not anymore, you fucking dog.
11:55Cameron can try and pretend that he's got all these forward-thinking, modern, visually metrosexual people in his party.
12:00But basically, if they had their way, they'd build a time machine and it would all go back to 1901.
12:05Conservative means keep things the same, not let's try a samosa, it might be nice.
12:11A lot of people are prejudiced and racist and they don't mean no harm.
12:14Every time I go to Ireland, some white guy at a party says to me,
12:18you know Irish people are considered the Negroes of Europe.
12:20You know, as if I'm supposed to go, no wonder I'm so comfortable here.
12:25I remember I told my dad that.
12:26I was like, dad, you know Irish people are considered the Negroes of Europe.
12:29And he said, goddammit, white folks don't let black folks have nothing.
12:38I lost both feet to racism.
12:39You know, Wordsworth, I wandered lonely as a cloud.
12:41I bet he meant a white one.
12:42I bet he meant a white one.
12:45You couldn't say I wandered as a black cloud, cos that's a, oh yeah.
12:51Rhys, grown-ups talking.
12:55You're just all too clever for me.
12:57I don't watch the news.
12:59I thought this was a programme actually about cats.
13:07Well, let's see if the Conservative Party's race controversy is one of the most talked about things this week.
13:13Yes, the Tories have been dogged by controversy over racism this week.
13:16Eleanor Bland, the councillor who sent an offensive email, denied she was racist,
13:20saying, I have Asian friends, which gave the Tories another reason to sack her.
13:28Well, at the end of that round, I can tell you it was two points for Sean Seaman, three points to Dave's team.
13:35The next round is called the poll with a hole. Here's your first one.
13:37The next round is called the poll with a hole. Here's your first one.
13:3926% of Brits say a TV show has motivated them to what?
13:43Is it, um, shit in a Tupperware box and have a good route through it?
13:48I hate that programme. Gillian McKeith, isn't it, that does the, uh, How Clean Is Your Poop?
13:51You know that table that she shows everyone, that table of food?
13:53Doctor Who?
13:54Oh, look at this. Look at this table of food.
13:55It's exactly the same table that Carrie McFadden shows in the Iceland ad.
14:02A lot of stuff's on telly these days.
14:03I would make me want to invade Poland, because there always seems to be Nazi shows on telly, doesn't there?
14:08History Channel, just Nazis marching.
14:10You've got two sound effects, Nazis marching off.
14:1626% of Brits say TV has motivated them to solve crimes in the Yorkshire Dales.
14:24Has it motivated them to buy a product that isn't available in the shops?
14:28When they get it through the post, they know why.
14:30It's fucking shit.
14:33I once, to my shame, I bought a machine that would rock, rock, rock my way to a flatter stomach.
14:40Jimmy, I think it's to be successful.
14:42Well, your show motivates people to queue up in a car park for four hours.
14:45And be famous, yeah, for a short while.
14:47And be famous, yeah. For a short while.
14:49Yeah, you said it.
14:52What is the X Factor?
14:53You're looking for the X Factor, like it's a special potion or something like that.
14:57It's a syndrome that means you can't get embarrassed.
15:01Is it redecorate your house?
15:03That is the correct answer.
15:07Next question.
15:0858% of swimmers think what helps them go faster?
15:11Engines.
15:14I think sharks.
15:18Depends where you're swimming, doesn't it?
15:20I mean, you don't get sharks in the, only basking sharks around the coast of the British Isles.
15:23And I want, and they're harmless.
15:25Get uni-shark knowledge.
15:27Yeah, ask me anything about sharks and I know it.
15:29What's the life expectancy of a great white?
15:31Oh, depends where it lives.
15:34It might be, it's only got about six months.
15:38Once they're out of the water, they're knackered.
15:42Waxing.
15:43Waxing, shaving your hair off.
15:45Correct answer.
15:46Oh, brilliant.
15:4958% of swimmers think shaving helps them go faster.
15:52Gillette claim to be the best a man can get, but surely that's a blowjob from twins.
15:57Why that happen to Bross?
16:01And how are the McDonnell brothers?
16:05So at the end of that round, Sean, Louis and Rhys have four points, Dave, Sally and Rich have four points.
16:12Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what Americans buy their wives for Christmas.
16:27Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The next round is Believe It Or Not.
16:30In this round I'll give the panellists a simple statement and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
16:35Dave, Sally and Rich, you're to go first. Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
16:41Hi, how are you? I'm Denise from San Diego, California and I'm going to show you how to shoot the AK-47 automatic rifle.
16:48The standard issue to the Soviet block armies, I might add.
16:56There's something about having a gun in your hands and being able to control it.
16:59I don't know what it is, but all the girls talked about it.
17:12You'd be naughty if you were all worried about what they'd shot.
17:16I'll find you the training videos.
17:18Here's your relative statistic.
17:1914% of American husbands have bought their wives a gun as a Christmas present, true or false?
17:24Go ahead and go with, that's probably being true, man.
17:26You want a woman who can just reach down under the pillar and just go,
17:35We are barking at each other now.
17:38I think if they did buy someone a gun, it wouldn't be the main present.
17:43They'd go, oh, and I got you a gun.
17:45Yeah, because you'd be gutted Christmas morning and it's a gun.
17:48You'd be like, ah, is that it?
17:49Well, you'd also never buy the right gun, which you'd never be happy.
17:53How many hints do I have to drop?
17:55I didn't want the AK-47, I wanted the M16.
18:00Did you have a gun at any stage?
18:01I never owned a gun, but parents had a gun and all.
18:05And, you know, they would argue a lot, but they never reached for their guns or nothing.
18:11Because, you know, they civilised and shit.
18:1414% of American husbands have bought their wives a gun as a Christmas present, true or false?
18:18Do you think it's higher?
18:19I do think it's higher, but the option offered is true or false, not possibly more.
18:23Well, if it's not, if you think it's more, then it's false.
18:27Really?
18:28Yeah.
18:30Damn.
18:31You're a real trickster, you know that?
18:43True.
18:44False.
18:46I can tell you the answer is false.
18:50True.
18:52Only 5% of American husbands have bought their wives a gun at Christmas.
18:55OK.
18:56Sean, Louis and Rhys, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
19:00Once every two weeks at Wrexham in North Wales, Barry Manilow fans get together for a Barry night.
19:06Boyfriends and husbands are excluded,
19:08so the Manny lovers can devote all their time and attention to an uninterrupted weekend of Manny lust.
19:14I think I'm more of a fan in the way that I have used Barry's influence to help me in my professional life.
19:23Much of the philosophy in the song, I see the lyrics, I have, well, quite come to live by.
19:30These started off the company that I run today and am very successful in.
19:35And the eyeliner is very interesting because I think I may be one of the first people who have ever painted onto felt.
19:45What I want to know, how did they get in your bedroom?
19:50Here's your related statistic.
19:5143% of Brits say the 80s was the best decade ever. Is that true or false?
19:56Which 80s? The 1680s or the 1580s?
19:58I think they're talking about the 1980s.
20:00I think the voice of wisdom has spoken.
20:03I think the music was better in the 80s, Jimmy.
20:05The music was better? Whose fault's that?
20:08It was the Falklands, Tiananmen Square, on the Donside, but then again, Soda Stream.
20:15They didn't have that terrible show, I love the 80s.
20:20The weather was better then. They had proper winters.
20:23It hasn't snowed since then on Christmas Day.
20:25As in Manchester.
20:26Has it?
20:27Doesn't count.
20:30Pot noodles weren't as advanced.
20:31There was only chow mein and chicken and mushroom then, wasn't it? Now we've got everything.
20:35Oh yes, cuisine has moved on.
20:38Okay, so 43% of Brits say the 80s was the best decade ever. True or false?
20:42Wasn't that British TV show, Minder, on in the 80s?
20:45Yes, it was, yeah.
20:46Yeah, the 80s was the best.
20:49I mean, yeah, they should bring Minder back. It'd be quite good to bring him back.
20:52But actually, with George Cole and Dennis Waterman.
20:54So Dennis Waterman's basically wiping his arse and giving him bed baths now.
20:58Literally, he's Minder.
20:59He's Minder.
21:03He's winching him out of the bath.
21:05Drying him down.
21:06Feeding him, laying him out like that in the bowl.
21:09Okay, so what are you going for? True or false?
21:10I think true.
21:11Yeah.
21:1243% of Brits say the 80s was the best decade ever. I can tell you the answer is...
21:16So true, funny how it seems.
21:19Always in time, but never in line for our dreams.
21:23Head over heels, wing toe to toe.
21:27This is the sound of my soul.
21:30This is the sound...
21:35Can I go to boot camp, please?
21:36No, you're brutal.
21:40So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's five points to Sean Steenman, five points for Dave's team.
21:44It's all to play for.
21:46And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:48I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls, and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:52Here is your first one.
21:53Biggest restaurant faux pas.
21:55Tell you what they don't like in places like the Ivy.
21:57When they come and you've got that big silver dome on your food, and they take it off, and you go...
22:04The Ivy is not that posh.
22:05Where's posh, then?
22:06Which posh restaurant's in Dublin?
22:08Name one.
22:09Abra-Kababra.
22:12Is it coming back from the loo with your skirt and knickers?
22:16Oh, I've done that.
22:19Is it doing a runner from a restaurant late at night?
22:21Yeah.
22:22You get into the taxi rank going...
22:26Where's your jacket?
22:29One of those big foam hands, just so you get more service.
22:37You know when they say here, try a bit of the wine, and you just stay there, and they have to wait until you've tried it, and you just stay there for hours.
22:42You don't drink it.
22:43When he says drink it...
22:44You're brilliant.
22:46You're making me think I might have children.
22:48What?
22:49Yeah.
22:50You're just an adorable little creature that gets things wrong, but it doesn't really matter.
22:54It's lovely.
22:55Like murder.
22:59Is it clicking your fingers?
23:00Correct answer.
23:04Yes, the biggest restaurant in Bhopal is clicking your fingers for the waiter.
23:07Number two on the list was quibbling over the bill.
23:09Oh, no, he's quibbled all over the bill.
23:13OK, next question.
23:14Best way to become famous?
23:17Is it sleeping with Simon Cowell?
23:19Is that how you did it?
23:20No, that's not...
23:27Do you think he has his pyjamas up to about there?
23:33Run faster than anybody else in the world.
23:35I'm going to give you that. It's actually to be a professional sportsman.
23:42Yes, the best way to become famous is to become a professional sportsman.
23:45Just ask the UK's number three cyclist, Derek Chalmers.
23:50I like that.
23:53Because he's not famous.
24:01Most...
24:02Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
24:05which means the final scores are...
24:06Dave, Sally and Reg have six points.
24:08Sean, Louis and Rhys have six points.
24:10It's a dead heat. Everyone's a winner.
24:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
24:14and to all of you for watching at home.
24:15That's it from us. Good night.
24:20The award-winning Jimmy Carr's new live collection DVD box set
24:25is available from Monday.
24:27To order your copy, call 0870 1234344
24:31or click onto channel4.com slash shop.
24:34Next up, toothbrush humour with a toilet brush bow.