Veep Season 5 Episode 7 Congressional Ball
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00:00Congresswoman Nickerson, I just want you to know
00:03that I won't forget my friends in Congress.
00:05These are fabulous.
00:06Wow.
00:07Her people say she wants the mugs.
00:09Would you like to keep the mugs for your...
00:12Minivan?
00:13How did you know I have a minivan?
00:15Just a good guess.
00:17Before I ran for Congress, I was a stay-at-home mother of six.
00:22Oh, yeah.
00:24I tell you, if I could not get there in a minivan,
00:26then I wasn't going.
00:28Right.
00:29You know the drill.
00:30Indeed I do, yeah.
00:32I mean, my license expired a few years ago,
00:34but I get the general idea.
00:36So, Penny.
00:37Penny.
00:38We want to reauthorize the amphibious fighting boat
00:43and have them built in your district.
00:48I saw a blanket out front that said Air Force One on it.
00:52It looks really beautiful.
00:54Let's get one of our care packages,
00:55and then we can throw one of those blankets in there.
00:58With the throw pillows?
00:59Yeah.
01:00So, what do you think?
01:01Can I count on your support?
01:02Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
01:04Bless your pea-picking heart.
01:07Would you like to call someone from Air Force One?
01:10That usually freaks people out.
01:12My gosh.
01:13My Donald.
01:14He has chemo today.
01:15Fantastic.
01:29Let me tell you something else about Selina Meyer,
01:33our commander-in-thief.
01:35Check out the tits in the third row.
01:38I could dribble those things like basketballs.
01:41She has destroyed the economy,
01:43made a mess of the Middle East,
01:45she ruined Thanksgiving,
01:47and that's all in just ten months in office.
01:50Kent says June is up another five points.
01:53Wait, what?
01:54We're going to win in Nashville.
01:56And we're going to win in Peterborough,
01:59and Keene,
02:00and Brattleboro!
02:02Yeah!
02:03My name is Jonah Ryan, and I...
02:06Love Jack!
02:14Like, the Navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore.
02:18Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it
02:21is in Congresswoman Nickerson's district?
02:23Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities,
02:27then our Navy and our allies will be very glad
02:30we have the military capabilities we need.
02:32Drop the puck?
02:33Common hockey term.
02:35Uh, Donna?
02:36A question about the president's daughter, Catherine.
02:38Is it true that...
02:39Uh, I just heard the buzzer.
02:41That is the end of the third period.
02:42See you at the next face-off.
02:44You know, with Nickerson's support,
02:46that clinches Colorado for us four to three.
02:48That doesn't look like Santa.
02:50The White House officially celebrates Diwali, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,
02:53and Walid al-Nabi, the alleged birth date of the prophet Muhammad.
02:57Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
03:00Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine,
03:03and, you know, her condition.
03:05What? She's a lesbian, Mike.
03:07She's not a werewolf.
03:08Although either one would explain why she never shapes her legs.
03:11Anything else?
03:12Yeah.
03:13The Hill's 50 hottest staffers list is out.
03:15Oh, great.
03:16When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out?
03:19I can't wait to see who's number one this year.
03:21I voted for Mike.
03:22I hate that thing.
03:23Every year it means a month of horny Sunday days looking down my blouse.
03:27So their methodology is unsound.
03:29I don't think you're in it this year, Amy.
03:31There you go, Amy. Problem solved.
03:32Oh, my God. Candy Caruso, rank 17.
03:34Look at this picture.
03:35No way. Look who's 21.
03:37Gary.
03:38What?
03:39Who's 22? The elephant man?
03:41Oh. Oh, my God.
03:43Hey, 21.
03:4521.
03:46Hmm.
03:47Grow's hip tea, okay?
03:48Or I'm gonna 86 you.
03:50Ooh, we just got an endorsement from The Courier.
03:52And the emails from Tom Petty's lawyers keep on getting angrier and angrier.
03:55How am I not on The Hill's 50 hottest staffers list this year?
03:59This year?
04:00It's the 50 hottest staffers, Jonah,
04:01not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.
04:04I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan,
04:08except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there
04:09because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal.
04:13The whole point of the 50 hottest is not to be on it.
04:16Are you number 26, Mr. Regan?
04:18Yeah, five years in a row now.
04:19It's to use it to learn who to fuck.
04:21Who?
04:22Find a woman who was on it last year but not this year.
04:24I mean, that's like a make-her-pay-for-dinner situation.
04:27Does that work?
04:28If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
04:31Wow.
04:33You're a fantastic campaign manager.
04:36Yeah.
04:37Fucking Gary's number 21?
04:39What?
04:40Well, that just makes a mockery of the very idea of hot rankings.
04:44Oh, it makes sense.
04:45It's got beautiful eyes.
04:47Madam President.
04:48Hello, gentlemen.
04:49Children.
04:50All right, let's get to this.
04:51Let's make it quick.
04:52Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now,
04:54and would you please, please try and keep it clean.
04:57Madam President,
04:58tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party
05:01for congressional members and their families.
05:03Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach.
05:05Ben will keep the offer straight.
05:07Kent will keep a running tally.
05:08Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires.
05:10And once you're all done with them,
05:12I'll move in and squirt a half-gallon of ropey jism
05:15into their mottled congressional cornholes.
05:18Oh, you made it so far, and then you just...
05:22Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add?
05:26Nope.
05:27Roger took my thing about ropey jism.
05:29Right.
05:30Thank you, Madam President.
05:32I will see you tomorrow night, right, Tom?
05:35Yes.
05:36Okay.
05:37Okay.
05:44Dirty.
05:45Just dirty and shady.
05:47Door.
05:48Door.
05:51So?
05:53What the fuck is Tom up to?
05:55Why was he meeting with Purcell at a Korean barbecue place?
05:58You know, my word is the opposition.
06:00You think Tom is helping O'Brien?
06:02But what could O'Brien offer him
06:03that's better than the vice presidency?
06:05Literally anything.
06:06Oh.
06:07Tom wanted Secretary of the Treasury.
06:10I said no.
06:11Ah, fuck.
06:13Ma'am, you just have to keep nailing down those votes, all right?
06:1626 votes, and it's over.
06:18Okay, guys, we gotta keep an eye on Tom tomorrow night.
06:21Really.
06:22Yes, ma'am.
06:36Yes?
06:37I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me.
06:42Not today.
06:46All right, the next question's for Mr. Ryan.
06:48Would you vote to raise the debt ceiling?
06:50Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said,
06:53oh, what a feeling.
06:55I am dancing on the debt ceiling.
06:57Okay, A, Lionel Richie is not dead,
07:00and B, what the fuck does that even mean?
07:02New Hampshire loves my zingers.
07:04It's my personality that has gotten us this far.
07:07No, I am the one who got us this far,
07:10you sentient enema.
07:12All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question.
07:14I hereby solemnly promise to never vote
07:16to raise the debt ceiling without budgetary offsets.
07:19Lord knows I stick to my grocery budget every week.
07:22Mother Mary dry humping a pillow,
07:24that is what I call natural talent.
07:26What was your name again?
07:27Judy Sherman.
07:28Oh, come on, Richard's only winning
07:30because he gets to be the easier person,
07:32and I have to be me.
07:33All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah.
07:35Richard's not going to get the subtleties of...
07:37Just shut the fuck up and move!
07:41I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman here
07:43on the fiscal responsibility.
07:45In fact,
07:47teacher, allow me to present you with this apple.
07:50Feel my dick.
07:51I am rock hard for you right now, mister.
07:53You think I'm kidding. Feel it.
07:55Shit.
07:56What?
07:57Local news stations were running footage from the rally.
08:00You said Brattleboro.
08:02So?
08:03So Brattleboro just happens to be in Vermont.
08:06Since when?
08:07Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow
08:10connected by a covered bridge,
08:11but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here.
08:13How do you not know this shit?
08:14I don't know.
08:15Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade,
08:17but my teacher was a fucking bitch.
08:19Jonah, watch your language.
08:20All right, well, obviously,
08:21Erickson had trackers at the event.
08:23Richard, who do we have tracking the widow?
08:25Nobody.
08:26Then go out there and buy a camera
08:29and videotape everything she does.
08:314K or 1080p?
08:32Just buy any fucking camera.
08:34You and I have to talk.
08:35If you were, like, 10% less black,
08:38I could make you president.
08:42No. No. No.
08:44Let's get it out.
08:45We talked about this.
08:46The wife of Congressman Platt designed it.
08:49Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba?
08:51Did you tell her that?
08:53Are you wearing cologne?
08:55A little.
08:57Smells like birdseed.
08:59Hi, Mom.
09:00Hi, darling.
09:01Hi, Marjorie.
09:03Don't you look...
09:05Strapping.
09:06Strapping.
09:07Thank you, ma'am.
09:08What's happening with these tentacles here?
09:10Are they gonna get put away or something?
09:14I have a question.
09:15I need to know how you gals
09:18want to play the whole gay thing.
09:20I'm sorry, I don't know.
09:22Mike has been getting a bunch of questions
09:24and interview requests and, you know, et cetera, et cetera,
09:26and I just don't know how you want to handle that.
09:29Do you want to just play it like Ellen
09:30or do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?
09:33You want to play it more like a mystery?
09:35Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping
09:38that we could keep things on the down low.
09:40Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine?
09:42Because I don't know what you're trying to say.
09:44Madam President, if it's all the same to you,
09:46we don't want our private life to be politicized.
09:50Okay, I get that. I respect that.
09:53We'll keep it under the gaydar.
09:56So, great. I'll tell Mike.
09:59Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
10:04Would you listen to this?
10:07Who doesn't love a cappella?
10:09Right? It's like a magic trick.
10:12Because there are no instruments, of course.
10:14Madam President, Tom James, 8 o'clock.
10:17Okay.
10:22You mean 11 o'clock? Over there?
10:25Seriously, can you really not tell time?
10:28Sorry, ma'am. I just thought it meant close.
10:30Ma'am?
10:31Yes?
10:32The fluffers have done their work.
10:33It's time for the orgy to begin.
10:35Okay, let's get that done.
10:37Oh, look, Catherine, you fixed that there, didn't you?
10:40Yeah, except it's still just a redness in the back.
10:44It needs to pull...
10:46Maybe you can help her, Marjorie.
10:48Just pull it back, sweetheart.
10:50Oh, all my friends are here.
10:53Madam President, hello.
10:54Merry Christmas.
10:55Thank you so much for having me.
10:56Hello, Congressman Yeager.
10:58And this must be Mrs. Yeager?
10:59It's not his wife.
11:00Okay.
11:01This is one of my staffers, Nadia.
11:02She's a prostitute.
11:04Well, would you like a picture for your friends and for your family?
11:09You've got to...
11:11There we go.
11:14And I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
11:16and I can count on your support, can't I?
11:17100%. Merry Christmas and happy new year.
11:19Wonderful. Thank you.
11:20This is Congressman Baines from Arizona.
11:22He saw Leo Bryan.
11:24Let's get a picture.
11:26There we go.
11:28And you're out of here.
11:30You can go.
11:31Catherine's 23 years old.
11:32She's very gay.
11:33Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two.
11:36Please?
11:37All right.
11:38I'll talk to everyone.
11:39I owe you.
11:40I mean, I'd hate to be off sides.
11:42But?
11:43You know, hockey.
11:45Hockey, great sport.
11:48Mike, are you dating a hockey player by any chance?
11:50You notice the hockey references?
11:52Oh, shit, I thought they were seamless.
11:54Listen, you can't say a word,
11:56but our surrogate is pregnant,
11:58and I've been talking to somebody in the NHL
12:00about a job as director of communications.
12:03So win or lose,
12:05I'm out of here.
12:07Oh, let me get my goodbyes out of the way now.
12:09Congressman, the president would love
12:11to have a clutch with you in the green room.
12:13Oh, of course.
12:14Great.
12:15Hey.
12:17Carson City, Nevada.
12:19Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string.
12:22You're the only woman who's ever threatened
12:24to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.
12:26Yeah, ninth till young.
12:28Knock yourself out.
12:29Yeah.
12:30Madam President,
12:31we are looking to build a 9-11 memorial in Bozeman.
12:35That sounds superb, wonderful,
12:38because, you know, never forget, right?
12:40That's right.
12:41Always remember.
12:42But can you remind me exactly
12:44what happened in Bozeman on 9-11?
12:46This is mainly focused on our first responders.
12:49Oh, that's so important.
12:51Our first responders were terribly traumatized
12:54by what happened to the first responders in New York.
12:57Yeah, I get that.
12:58That's, uh, that's...
13:01Wow.
13:02Yeah, Ben.
13:03You know, I am sure there's a little something
13:05we could find somewhere for such a great project.
13:08Mm-hmm.
13:09Roger, what do you think?
13:11Oh, I'm sure we can just slip it under the skirt
13:13of the homeland security budget.
13:14Tell him why, Will.
13:15The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself.
13:20Excuse me.
13:21Aren't you Gary Walsh?
13:23What did I do?
13:24You've got to come meet my daughter.
13:25She saw you in the hill.
13:27Oh.
13:28She's single, divorced, has a kid,
13:30but he's really a sweetheart.
13:32Oh, how nice.
13:33God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him.
13:35They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.
13:41You having a good time, Emmy?
13:42Uh-huh.
13:43I can't believe how many compliments
13:44I'm getting about the hot list.
13:46Do people around here have anything better to talk about
13:49than the stupid hot list?
13:50Amy, do you want some advice?
13:52Definitely not.
13:53Listen, don't worry so much about what's up here, okay?
13:56Worry about what's in here.
13:58And if you work at that,
13:59I'm telling you, you're going to be back on the hot list, Amy.
14:02I'm not saying you're going to be in the top 20,
14:04but you will be in the lock for, like, mid-40s.
14:08Yeah.
14:09Look at him, smiling.
14:11Like his shit's all pine-fresh smelling.
14:14Uh, okay.
14:16What are you doing?
14:17You're looking at yourself in the mirror?
14:19You look wonderful.
14:20Yeah.
14:22Madam President!
14:24This is Connie DiNimbetto, the Morgan.
14:26She's the chairman of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
14:29Actually, she's the only member of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
14:32I'd like to take just a moment of your time
14:35to talk to you about your environmental policy.
14:38Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
14:39I know it's politically risky,
14:41but you know, a carbon tax is the only way to go.
14:45Yeah, you met my daughter, Catherine?
14:46No.
14:47And this is her special friend, Marjorie.
14:49I want to get a picture of all of us.
14:51Oh, no, Mom, we don't want to take any photos.
14:53Sure we do. We're dying to do that.
14:55So, um, here we go. Right here.
14:57Let's all say, girl power.
14:59Girl power.
15:00Girl power.
15:01Listen, I wish I was hip enough to hang here with you all,
15:03but I've got to go deal with later.
15:05You're a busy girl.
15:06Tell Liz I love her.
15:07Oh, I will.
15:08Okay.
15:09She'll love that.
15:10Okay. Bye.
15:11Bye-bye.
15:14The Brandeis high notes.
15:16All right, tonight we've got the bowling alley appearance,
15:19and we can't have any more gaffes.
15:21I got it. I got it.
15:23The widow saw me filming her, and she got mad.
15:25She called me some truly awful things.
15:27Oh, thank you, Satan.
15:29I think this is a game changer.
15:34Thank you all so much for coming.
15:37Oh, my God, I got it.
15:39I think I got it.
15:41You know, I think I see what happened there.
15:43Richard, you good boy.
15:45I went to turn it on, but it was already on,
15:48so I turned it off.
15:50Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off,
15:52so I turned it on.
15:54Oh, I had such plans for you, Richard.
15:57Congressman Baxter, I completely believe you
16:00about the whole men's room incident.
16:03It sounded very plausible to me.
16:05So I want to also wish you a Merry Christmas.
16:07Thank you so much.
16:09Is this Paul Graves, Purple State?
16:11He could go either way.
16:13Like Baxter.
16:15I didn't know Jim Owens was working for Graves.
16:17Yeah.
16:19Oh, man, that was your one work friend.
16:21He wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him.
16:24Come on, it's been a long time. Go talk to him.
16:26I can't.
16:28Mike, Madam President, everyone knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,
16:31but if I'm gonna cross party lines
16:33and hand you the presidency,
16:35I'm gonna need something big.
16:37Okay, how big?
16:39Why don't we go with, uh,
16:41Secretary of State?
16:43Well, at least we know you don't need big balls.
16:46Got large stones, for sure.
16:49I think, um,
16:51it's something we might be able to accommodate.
16:54Excellent. Then, Madam President?
16:56Yes?
16:58You have my support.
17:00Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.
17:02Congressman, hey, enjoy the party, okay?
17:04Have fun.
17:06Ooh, we got great news.
17:08That's fantastic.
17:10I know it.
17:12Oh, what about Doyle? You promised him state.
17:14He knows I don't keep my promises.
17:16You should know by now.
17:18I love your district.
17:20And I love your district.
17:22I love them both.
17:24Hey, where have you been?
17:26What?
17:28Turns out Nickerson is back on the fence.
17:30She said she was going to endorse you and support you.
17:32She did.
17:34And I said maybe you'd remember better
17:36if I fucked your brain through your ear hole.
17:38And then what did she say?
17:40She was pretty furious about it, sir.
17:42Ben, you gotta...
17:44I'm on it.
17:46Why is Tom over there chanting it up with Yeager?
17:48I don't know. I'll handle it.
17:50No, no, I don't need your subtle charm on this.
17:52Bill!
17:54Hi, just wanted to reconfirm
17:56that I can still count on your vote.
17:58I've been doing quite a bit of soul-searching
18:00and I'm afraid I need to listen to my conscience.
18:02Conscience?
18:04The fuck are you talking about?
18:06After much prayerful consideration,
18:08I have decided to abstain from the upcoming
18:10congressional tie-breaking vote in Congress.
18:12Abstain?
18:14Yes, ma'am.
18:16But then no one wins, you dumbass.
18:18I was warned that you would say some hurtful things.
18:20Okay, hold on. Let me see if I can just explain this to you
18:22in terms that you might understand.
18:24Okay?
18:26Your chief of staff,
18:28Nadia, is it?
18:30Yes.
18:32Okay, and she's down on her knees
18:34and she's got your balls in her hand
18:36and she's working your shaft
18:38just the way you like it.
18:40And moments
18:42before you're about to come
18:44all over her stupid
18:46Slavic face,
18:48she says,
18:50after much prayerful consideration,
18:52I have to abstain
18:54from the upcoming
18:56blood job.
18:58Are you Nadia in this situation?
19:00Just get out of my sight.
19:02Oh, fuck.
19:04Okay.
19:06Let me guess. Jaeger's abstaining.
19:08Yeah. Nickerson, too.
19:10Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien.
19:12He's asking people to abstain.
19:14What the fuck is happening?
19:16If no one gets a majority in the House,
19:18the vote goes to the Senate.
19:20I explained this on election night.
19:22Tom James is an acknowledged
19:24master of the Senate's rules and procedures,
19:26so if it's up to the Senate,
19:28Tom is our next president.
19:30Well, we must be stopped.
19:32Is it too late to get
19:34Doyle back? We forgot to invite him
19:36tonight. That's great.
19:38Tom! Ma'am.
19:40Congressman Griffin. Hello. This is Griffin.
19:42How are you? I'm very well, thank you, ma'am.
19:44Good. But I've been watching you all night
19:46and I know what you're up to.
19:48Oh?
19:50You're trying to get up the courage
19:52to ask me to dance.
19:54Guilty.
19:56Ma'am, I would be honored.
19:58Oh. Thank you.
20:04How are you?
20:10I think all this meeting
20:12and greeting has really made me work up an appetite.
20:14I'm starving.
20:16Do you ever get the chance to eat at these things?
20:18You know what I really have a hankering for?
20:20What's that? Korean barbecue.
20:22Do you like Korean barbecue?
20:24It's okay.
20:26There's this great place that I heard about.
20:28It's in Annandale.
20:30What is the name of it? I'm trying to remember.
20:32Oh, right.
20:36The cocksucking backstabber.
20:40Keep dancing, Tom.
20:42Don't stop dancing.
20:44Don't look around.
20:46Can I help you?
20:48Ma'am, let me explain.
20:50What that...
20:52You know what?
20:54I think maybe we should go and talk in private.
20:56That's perfect timing, isn't it?
20:58Yes.
21:02Thank you all.
21:04Come. You can't get away.
21:06Let's go.
21:08Right. We're going to do it.
21:10How stupid are you,
21:12you motherfucking snake?
21:14After meeting with Marwood and Purcell,
21:16I know all about how you're trying to
21:18fuck me with that abstinence
21:20program of yours.
21:22Underneath this whole
21:24honorable, decent, wholesome
21:26Boy Scout crap of yours,
21:28I know exactly who you are.
21:30Oh, you do?
21:32Yes, I do.
21:34Right. So I don't have to explain
21:36that I am not someone who would piss away
21:38my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions.
21:40What?
21:42I'm talking about that pretty boy,
21:44Charlie Baird, for God's sake.
21:46What? Charlie Baird?
21:48What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?
21:50I don't know. He's got nothing to do with it.
21:52The point is...
21:54Oh, my God. You're such a liar!
21:56You're such a liar!
21:58Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?
22:00Because I happen to believe
22:02in something called public service.
22:04Oh, bullshit!
22:06Okay. Well, now I got no fucking idea.
22:08I'll tell you why. Because you wanted to be
22:10closer to the presidency
22:12and to me.
22:14Oh, my God. You wanted it so bad
22:16you could taste it.
22:18This is unbelievable. Please.
22:20You are lying now
22:22just like you lied back then,
22:24just like you lied
22:26about that night in the cab with the green shoes.
22:28Oh, well, now
22:30I got no idea what you're talking about.
22:32Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
22:34You remembered the green shoes that night,
22:36but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me?
22:38Come on. Come on!
22:40No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.
22:42Well, you got me.
22:44I'm gay, so...
22:46Just admit it. Just say the truth
22:48for once in your life.
22:50Come on, Tom.
22:52You wanted to fuck me that night.
22:54Just say it. Will, will you stop it?
22:56Just say it. You wanted to fuck my brains out.
22:58All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out.
23:00There you go. And now you're trying
23:02to fuck me tonight.
23:04No, I am fucking you tonight.
23:06What?
23:14I mean, if I never see the White House again,
23:16it'll be too soon.
23:18It's funny, you know, I love my job.
23:20I've been working for Congressman Furlong since I was 15.
23:22Oh.
23:24Mike, where's the president? And where's Tom?
23:26I don't know.
23:28What, are you drunk? Maybe.
23:30Mr. Hip Flask.
23:32Listen, I'm a high-functioning alcoholic,
23:34and you're a sloppy weekend drunk.
23:36Now get with it.
23:38Ma'am?
24:05Hi, Jonah Ryan. Thanks for coming out tonight.
24:07Let me know if you have any questions.
24:09Hi, Jonah Ryan, running for Congress.
24:11I hope I can count on your support.
24:13This is my boss, Polly. She's going to be showing me the ropes today.
24:15Oh, Polly, look at this.
24:17Big shoes. You know what that means, right?
24:19Uh, big feet?
24:21Can't argue with that. Maybe you should run for Congress.
24:23Your name is Jonah, right?
24:25Yeah. So why does your shirt say
24:27John H. Ryan?
24:29Fuck.
24:31This is good.
24:33This is working.
24:35Ah, bowling alley's always a good choice.
24:37I mean, skating rink's good for a male candidate,
24:39but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.
24:41Hi, I'm J...
24:43Hey, Jonah,
24:45could I get a child-size 12, please?
24:49What are you doing here, Teddy?
24:51Looking forward to some bowling.
24:53Although pocket pool is more my game.
24:55You listen to me, you fucking weirdo.
24:57I was a victim,
24:59but I am not going to let you define me.
25:01Nice blog, Mary.
25:03You know what? People like you,
25:05you look like us,
25:07but there's a little piece missing.
25:09You're like a different species,
25:11and one that I hope gets struck from the earth,
25:13because you're a bully,
25:15and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies.
25:17Yes. Yes, he does.
25:21Yeah. Yeah, this is a no-haters-out.
25:25Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball finally bear here
25:27exactly two seconds to get the fuck out.
25:29Our work is done here.
25:31Tell Selena hello.
25:33Yeah, great place for an event,
25:35and the teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom
25:37thought so, too.
25:39Oh, looking good, 26.
25:43Hello?
25:45Ma'am, have you seen Tom?
25:47A couple of times.
25:49Good.
25:51I need Nickerson, I need Yeager,
25:53because we're going to finish this.
25:55Okay, walk this way.
25:57Gotcha.
25:59Hi, Ryan.
26:01Can I have a few minutes of your time in the green room?
26:03The green room? That sounds historic.
26:05Oh, it is. It's where Woodrow Wilson
26:07had some of his most significant strokes.
26:09Really? Yeah.
26:11Hey, buddy. Hey.
26:13Hey. It's been a while.
26:15Look, about how things went down at the end,
26:17I am so sorry. I should thank you,
26:19because it was a wake-up call for me
26:21to get out of the insanity of D.C. politics.
26:23Amen to that, brother.
26:25Ugh, this place sucks.
26:27Listen, I have lined up a sweet
26:29private sector gig.
26:31Well, on the QT, I got something in the works, too.
26:33I am the new
26:35Director of Communications for the NHL.
26:37You got the hockey job.
26:39Perfect.
26:41Where are you headed?
26:43I'm going to CL
26:45International Time.
26:47That sounds great.
26:49Listen, anytime you want caps tickets,
26:51you hit me up, buddy, all right?
26:53CL International. And congratulations.
26:55Oh, you, too. Mazel. Good luck.
26:57Yeah.
26:59Fuck.
27:01If you think that you are getting those worthless
27:03toy boats now,
27:05I'm going to shut down those factories
27:07faster than you can bedazzle a fucking
27:09sweatshirt. Let's cut the shit,
27:11Selena. Oh, here it is.
27:13All roads through Colorado
27:15go through me, and the toll
27:17just went up. You're playing a
27:19very dangerous game of chicken
27:21and a dead fucking hen.
27:23Because if I don't win the White House,
27:25O'Brien is going to sink
27:27your stupid boats, and you're going to
27:29look like a hair-sprayed asshole
27:31in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.
27:33And if I do win,
27:35I will have my administration
27:37come to your shitty little district
27:39and shake it to death like a
27:41Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm going
27:43to have the IRS crawl
27:45so far up
27:47your husband's colon,
27:49that they're going to wish the only thing
27:51they find is more cancer.
27:53Good God.
27:55So, can I count on
27:57your vote? Or do I need
27:59to shove a box of White House M&Ms
28:01up your stretched-out six-baby vag?
28:03Mm.
28:05Yes, you can count on my vote.
28:07I think I want to hear
28:09an okie-dokie
28:11Annie Oakley.
28:13Okie-dokie Annie Oakley.
28:15Oh, super duper
28:17super duper?
28:19Now get the fuck out of here, Congresswoman.
28:21Merry Christmas, Amy.
28:23Oh, Candy Caruso.
28:25That is who you are.
28:27I'm surprised to see you here
28:29after what happened in Nevada.
28:31Nevada?
28:33I told POTUS that there are other
28:35qualified people out there for special advisor,
28:37but she insisted she couldn't think of any,
28:39so...
28:41Guess what?
28:43I am engaged.
28:45To whom?
28:47Gary Welsh.
28:49You know Gary Welsh?
28:51Gary Welsh?
28:53He was supposed to be on this
28:5558 POTUS thing that I'm in,
28:57but they got his name wrong.
28:59They spelled it incorrectly.
29:01Turns out there's an actual guy by that name.
29:03They put him in instead.
29:05That's just a bad thing.
29:07I'm sorry to hear that, but happy for you.
29:09All that.
29:13The whole president of the United States
29:15needs me, so...
29:17Take care.
29:21Hey, O.B., grab your coonskin cap
29:23and let's get out of here.
29:25Oh.
29:27Okay.
29:29Wasn't you.
29:31What?
29:33You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is.
29:35You're a typo.
29:37But like you said, it's not up here.
29:39It's what's in here.
29:41I have my regards to your wife.
29:43Yes, ma'am.
29:45She's the head of the Red Cross in Racine.
29:47Did you know that?
29:49You can count on my vote, Madam President.
29:51That is a promise.
29:53Oh, yes, it is a promise.
29:55Well, ah.
29:57I guess this party is officially now over.
29:59So how did we do?
30:01We're about at the same place we were
30:03at the beginning of the ball.
30:05Plus graves.
30:07He could have secured plant,
30:09Good evening.
30:11We begin with some shocking footage
30:13of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan,
30:15all captured on amateur video.
30:17We do have to warn you, though,
30:19Ryan's language is extremely graphic.
30:21People like you,
30:23you look like us,
30:25but there's a little piece missing.
30:27You're a different species,
30:29one that I hope gets struck from the earth.
30:31Fuck me, Amadeus.
30:33Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at.
30:35God, Polly's not gonna think
30:37that I was yelling at her, will she?
30:39Why don't we call her publicist and find out?
30:41Wait a second.
30:43Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle.
30:45Oh, definitely.
30:47Hey, Jonah, I'll get a, uh,
30:49child-size 12, please.
30:51What are you doing here?
30:55Well, I don't know what happened there.
30:57You did literally the exact same thing.
30:59Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right.
31:01I did the exact same thing.
31:03After the national elections,
31:05Polly may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough,
31:07but after stabilizing the economy,
31:09the House vote
31:11is starting to look like a gimme putt.
31:13I mark my words,
31:15the president will end up
31:17atop the leaderboard, just like
31:19N.B. Park or Lydia Coe
31:21or any of the other great female golfers
31:23in the LPGA Tour.
31:27I would like to get back to
31:29questions about the First Daughter's
31:31lesbianism.