Veep Season 3 Episode 7 Special Relationship
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Kyle, we need to blow up the beep's visit to the British pub, okay?
00:20We are running some reverse My Fair Lady shit here.
00:22We're showing she's a regular gal.
00:24Mark, the memorial.
00:26We need a ton of coverage.
00:28It's 100 years from World War I, Selina's back in black, she's looking good, and it's
00:32good morning America, morning with a U.
00:34Sue, I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles, that 65-year-old fucking intern.
00:43Okay?
00:44Dan, if you want to get into the palace at short notice, you're going to have to storm
00:48it yourself.
00:49Okay, Sue, listen, this is me, campaign manager, telling you, schedule a woman to just, you
00:54know, make that happen.
00:56All right, all right, someone get me the Prince of Wales private secretary on the phone,
01:01stat.
01:02It's a tough call.
01:03Then again, you're a tough caller.
01:05Wonderful, wonderful.
01:07Hey, listen, I am thrilled to be here looking presidential, of course, but what about POTUS?
01:14Is there any more news from him?
01:15Well, no, he definitely wanted to come, he had to stay and close the China deal.
01:18He had tickets for a West End musical, something with a duck or a ghost, I don't remember.
01:23Hey, is POTUS having an affair?
01:25Not that I would blame her.
01:26Have you seen her lately?
01:27She's lost a lot of weight.
01:28A lot, right?
01:29Her neck is like stretched cheese.
01:30Yeah, it looks bad now.
01:31Bad.
01:32It's gone bad.
01:33Oh, hello again, Mr. Ambassador.
01:34And you know Peter Mitchell, deputy prime minister?
01:41Yeah, we met in Hong Kong.
01:43Heroin and Chinese food.
01:45Noodles and needles.
01:46Yes, it was actually the solar energy summit in Stockholm.
01:51That's the one, that's the one, same vibe.
01:55100 years since the Great War is so my area, Amy.
01:58How does this sound?
01:59In four years, 16 million perished.
02:02In the silent aftermath, towns grieved for their fallen young men.
02:07This is my masterpiece.
02:08I mean, I'm nailing pathos to the fricking wall here.
02:11Yeah, death, glory, folly, tragedy, it's got all the four main mood groups.
02:15So, have you set up the secret transatlantic security organization meeting with the German
02:20chancellor?
02:21Mm-hmm, at the cathedral, she can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession.
02:24The Brits are gonna be unhappy-er.
02:26I need a stiff fucking drink.
02:29In related news, Ray's talking.
02:32Oh God, to smart people?
02:34Yeah, he's currently with a woman from the Bank of England.
02:36It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM.
02:39You know, because money is just a concept.
02:42You know, we believe in it because we're too scared not to.
02:45There's no intrinsic value to it.
02:47It's not like muscles in your arms.
02:49Okay, well, I think that's quite a superficial analysis.
02:52You know what intrinsic means?
02:53Yeah.
02:54Yeah, I try to learn a word a day.
02:56I love words very ardently.
03:00Yeah.
03:01Sorry, who are you again?
03:03No, the transatlantic security organization.
03:05That's going to Frankfurt and not here because...
03:08Oh, honestly, we haven't made a decision about that yet.
03:11Right, and I hope that honestly isn't one of those words that's lost its meaning
03:16whilst traveling the Atlantic.
03:19What about the censure vote in the House of Commons tomorrow?
03:22How do you think that's going to go?
03:24On spying?
03:25Mm-hmm.
03:26It'll be defeated.
03:27Okay.
03:28Then you probably know that already.
03:32I'm relieved to hear that, I really am.
03:34You know, because the U.S. doesn't spy on its allies.
03:37No, I'm relieved.
03:38We collect data.
03:39Same thing.
03:40Oh, no.
03:41Gary, what do you think?
03:46Well, um...
03:47Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Well, no, please, do share.
03:53I'm just collecting data.
04:00I think it's very nuanced,
04:02and I think there's a lot of different sides
04:05to a lot of different topics that are out there
04:09that I think we could...
04:11Gary, I need that lipstick.
04:13Thank you so much.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Madam out there hobnobbing,
04:17us here in the servants' quarters,
04:19it's like Downton Abbey.
04:20McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat a Cornish pasty
04:24in the paddock this evening.
04:25Who's taste do you bugger?
04:27I love that voice.
04:28It makes me feel inadequate and horny.
04:30It's a dream.
04:32Ray, I don't know if you've met the Deputy Prime Minister.
04:35I think you have.
04:36Ray Wheelans.
04:37Pleasure.
04:38Wellness consultant.
04:39Wellness consultant.
04:40Oh, like a fitness chap?
04:42I'm also a businessman and an author.
04:44Oh, an author?
04:45Would I know any of your titles?
04:47Sixty days, right?
04:49Could abide like God?
04:52My name is Ray, you're okay.
04:55The greater glory in twelve days.
04:57Ray, I need Mary.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Yes, I have seen the numbers, Ken.
05:03I know that she's bleeding blue collars.
05:05So, we're gonna make her look fucking folksy
05:07in a London pub.
05:08Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said
05:10Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager?
05:13I would like to shoot him,
05:15but there are no guns in this country.
05:17Oh.
05:24Stephen, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to Team Maddox.
05:27I'm in London town
05:29and there's gonna be a right royal cockney barrel of turnips
05:32when I dish the dirt on Selina Meyer.
05:35Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent.
05:37Hello, Jonah.
05:40Hello, sir.
05:43Just buying some tickets for Madame Tussauds.
05:46You're an imbecile.
05:51What a charming little pub.
05:54I have to say, this is just the most delightful place.
05:58I can imagine Harry Potter getting loaded in here.
06:01Right, yes.
06:03Although, well, he's a small child, so underage, but...
06:07Oh, right, yes, of course, of course.
06:09Although I think the actor now is quite a grown man.
06:12Yes, the actor, yes.
06:13But the original, the literary version,
06:15which, of course, is the fictional story of a child witch,
06:18so would very much still be considered a minor.
06:21Right.
06:22Actually, I think it's a wizard.
06:24Yep.
06:25Right.
06:26Same.
06:27So you are the owner of the pub?
06:29Amy, the emu has landed.
06:31Jonah's in London.
06:33Oh, shit.
06:34Maddox must have sent him here to spy or something.
06:38Huh.
06:39Jonah Bond, double of fuck off.
06:41I'll see you at the press conference.
06:43What?
06:44I'm also here.
06:45Have you been here a long time?
06:47Oh, I've been running this caf for 25 years.
06:50I've lived around here my whole life.
06:52I see.
06:53Born and bred West Ham fan.
06:55What kind of ham did you say?
06:58West Ham United.
06:59Yeah, they're my local team.
07:01Oh.
07:02Football.
07:03Of course, football.
07:04Right, we call that soccer, actually.
07:07No, here, football.
07:08Right.
07:09We have football there.
07:10And I wonder, actually, what do you call what we call soccer?
07:13That's one thing I don't.
07:14Yeah, football.
07:15Right.
07:16Great.
07:17So what are you having then, man?
07:19Uh-huh.
07:20What am I having?
07:21What would you recommend that I have at this lovely place?
07:23Oh, how about a nice pinot noir?
07:26Oh, that sounds divine.
07:28I love that.
07:29I'm joking.
07:30No, he won't.
07:31I think, to me, you look like a bitter person, maybe.
07:36Which is a type of beer.
07:38Don't worry.
07:39It's just a joke.
07:40Just playing.
07:41Bitter is a horrible beer.
07:43Well, she's going to drink it, and she's going to smile.
07:45Gary.
07:46OK, I got some peppermint.
07:47I got that juice of Windsor.
07:48Do you want me to just put that in my bag?
07:50So, would you like to do the honors, man?
07:52I'm not sure.
07:53Pulling a pint?
07:54Yes.
07:55Oh, yes, I would.
07:56I would absolutely love to do that.
07:57Well, stroll on down, and I'll show you out.
07:58OK, gang, if you guys want to start down here.
08:00All right, guys, the vice president is now going to pull a pint.
08:03Just said that.
08:04Just said that.
08:05Yep.
08:06Yep.
08:07Ooh.
08:08OK, well, cheers.
08:10Here we are.
08:11Cheers.
08:12Cheers.
08:13Cheers.
08:14Mm.
08:15That's lovely.
08:16Ooh.
08:17Ooh.
08:18Ooh.
08:19Ooh.
08:20Ooh.
08:21Here we go.
08:22Ooh.
08:23Hey!
08:24Bottoms up, man.
08:25Get it down, you Selena.
08:27Danny won, sweetheart.
08:29What?
08:30What did you say?
08:31Danny won.
08:32Danny won.
08:33OK.
08:34Danny won.
08:35Danny won.
08:36Danny won.
08:37Danny won.
08:38Danny won.
08:39Danny won.
08:40Danny won.
08:41I'm really eating this up.
08:42I think we just landed a catchphrase.
08:44They're not saying Danny won.
08:46They're saying down and won, moron.
08:49Danny won.
08:51Danny won.
08:52Danny won.
08:54Make her stop saying that.
08:56They're laughing at her like a toddler that they taught to swear.
08:59Hey, ma'am, ma'am, are you feeling OK?
09:01Oh, no.
09:02Yeah, you a little gassy?
09:03Oh, yeah.
09:04Like the Hindenburg.
09:05I think we're good.
09:06I think we're good.
09:07Let's get out of here.
09:08OK.
09:09Thank you guys very much for coming out.
09:10Really appreciate it.
09:11Danny won, guys.
09:12Danny won.
09:13Danny won.
09:14Danny won.
09:15Danny won.
09:16Danny won.
09:17OK.
09:18Danny won is trending.
09:19It's number two under Kate Middleton's bony ass.
09:22You know what?
09:23I thought it was some sort of a Japanese thing that he was saying.
09:25Yeah, like konnichiwa.
09:26Hey, ma'am, I ordered a pot of hot tea for your room.
09:30I'm not having anything else to drink for the next month.
09:34Siri, how many horses died in the First World War?
09:39Why are you asking that?
09:41For the speech.
09:42No, I'm not talking about horses.
09:45Cancel search, Siri.
09:49You're going to look so stunning at the war service, man.
09:52Those guys are going to wish they weren't dead.
09:57All right.
09:58Here's the cherry on top of the most delicious sundae, I must say.
10:05Look how beautiful that is.
10:09What?
10:10What, you think the bigger one?
10:12Don't you think the other hat is a little too hattie?
10:15I don't know.
10:16What do you think?
10:17I think it's London.
10:18Britain is the kingdom of the hats.
10:20I have never heard that phrase.
10:22It's a well-known phrase.
10:23Is it?
10:26Yeah.
10:28I agree with you.
10:29I'm going to go with the other one.
10:30I'm going to go with the other one.
10:31Yeah, why not?
10:32Maybe I can wear this with something else.
10:34I don't know what else I brought.
10:36Or nothing at all.
10:39What?
10:40What?
10:41I don't know what you mean.
10:43You know what that means?
10:44You know what that means?
10:45I don't think we have time for this, do we?
10:47What, horsing around?
10:48Look at these branches.
10:50It's springtime in here.
10:52Gary?
10:53Yeah?
10:54Close the door behind you.
10:55Sure, yeah.
10:57All right, guys.
10:58I need a plan here, okay?
11:00I am Dan with a plan, Egan.
11:02So if I can't work, then you can't work.
11:04Hey, that's like calling back.
11:05We've got to go in there and talk to someone.
11:06No, I'm just, um...
11:08I was just...
11:09I'm just a little role-playing.
11:11Like a Charles Manson defense?
11:13Ah.
11:16Front of the standard.
11:17Ooh.
11:18You've even managed to get yourself in there.
11:20Nicely done, Obi-Wa-Kenobi.
11:22No one reads that rag.
11:24That's one paper.
11:25I can handle one paper, guys.
11:27And you know this about me, all right?
11:29I can chop this thing in two like a disputed kitten.
11:31Oh, pleasant.
11:32Mike?
11:33Yes, ma'am?
11:34I want to talk to you about this speech
11:36for the World War I service, okay?
11:38Very proud of it, ma'am.
11:39I gave this one 100% effort.
11:42As I do everything I write for you.
11:44Okay, I'm not sure about this.
11:46Uh, to honor all who fell
11:49in frozen Flanders fields
11:52and hold their memory fresh.
11:55It's just a little bit too effy for me.
11:57Yeah.
11:58Do you know?
11:59Well, it's kind of the idea, ma'am.
12:00I mean, it's poetic.
12:01Yeah, but we're trying to appeal
12:03to the blue-collar demographic, right?
12:05Not the poets.
12:06I agree.
12:07He agrees.
12:08So, 16 million perished.
12:10No, well, they did, and they died.
12:12So just say that.
12:13The loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend.
12:16That sentence is impossible to comprehend.
12:18Just say, uh, hard to understand.
12:20You know?
12:21In English.
12:22I kind of agree.
12:24Mm.
12:25I could normalify this for you.
12:26No, no.
12:27No, no, no, just listen, just listen.
12:29He's got sort of a working-class touch,
12:31which is something that's valuable,
12:33and we should listen to it.
12:35I printed a copy of the speech from the G folder.
12:38Why does he have access to the G folder?
12:40I don't even have access to the G folder.
12:42Yes, you do, Mike, we all do.
12:44It's the general file on the iCloud.
12:46Everything was much easier when it was just floppy disks.
12:48Uh, to paraphrase my fair lady,
12:50we need to get to the fucking church on time.
12:53One second.
12:54So, Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
12:56Okay.
12:57This is like Gettysburg.
12:58Beneath the...
13:03Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele,
13:05100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for.
13:08Let today be their funeral service,
13:11and we their mourners.
13:13How about this?
13:15There's a whole lot of guys who never came home.
13:19Good guys.
13:21Here's to those guys.
13:23Holy fucking Christ.
13:25What is that, Ray?
13:26I'm just spitballing.
13:27No, Ray, listen, listen.
13:29I gotta stick with Mike's words, you understand, because...
13:31Totally.
13:32It's appropriate.
13:33Thank you, ma'am.
13:34Abe?
13:35Yes?
13:36What's happening with the German chancellor?
13:37Uh, after the speech,
13:38you're gonna meet with him in the side chapel
13:40and tell him that POTUS guarantees
13:42the TSO will be in Frankfurt, not London.
13:44Hey, I'm gonna make a phone call about that right now.
13:47Okay.
13:48Uh, where's Gary?
13:51I'm right here.
13:52What?
13:53Were you there the whole time?
13:55Yeah.
13:56Yeah.
13:59Jonah Ryan, Maddox team.
14:01Is this, uh, Ryantology, Jonah Ryan?
14:03Yeah, one and the same.
14:04I'm a big fan of your website.
14:06Oh, thank you.
14:07Actually, I don't run it anymore.
14:09Oh, what a shame.
14:10I was going to give you a story about Ray Whelan,
14:13Selina Meyer's trainer.
14:14You know, I do still run it.
14:16I was just looking at one of my feeds right now.
14:18Prepare to be astonished.
14:20Oh, I'm ready for anything with that accent.
14:24I can't believe Ray tried to edit my speech.
14:27I feel like Shakespeare when that monkey
14:28tried to make fun of him.
14:30What?
14:31I think that might have been a cartoon.
14:33All right, let's get on with the remembering thing,
14:35and I'll finesse the speech in the car.
14:37Abe.
14:38Yeah?
14:39I know Ray was a little off on the speech,
14:41but, uh, way to see the hat he chose.
14:47In four fateful years, 16 million perished.
14:56This loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend...
15:02This speech is so beautiful.
15:04...must always be remembered.
15:06So beautiful.
15:07Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele,
15:11100,000 bodies...
15:13Right after this,
15:14Selene has to go straight to meet the German chancellor.
15:16Well, hold off that long streak of deputy piss
15:19while she's in there.
15:20And we their mourners.
15:23Let's remember the guys who never came home.
15:28Here's to the good guys.
15:33Boy, they were good guys, weren't they?
15:35They were.
15:40You all right, mate?
15:41Yeah, I'm fine.
15:43Lost your car somewhere?
15:44No, no, no, I'm just, I'm waiting on a guy.
15:47Oh, right.
15:49No, I'm, I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with.
15:53I am waiting on a guy to talk, he's a reporter.
15:55Is he?
15:56Look, you wouldn't get it.
15:57Your jacket is fluorescent.
15:59Oh, I get it, sir.
16:00Really, you do?
16:04General Ryan, Maddox team.
16:06This is Rob from the Daily Mirror.
16:07You've got a story?
16:08Hey, where are you?
16:09What, you want to meet in a fucking car park?
16:11I don't know, I just thought, Watergate, Deep Throat.
16:15No, you son of a...
16:17Look, let's just meet in a pub.
16:20How about a coffee?
16:24Eight pounds for two coffees.
16:26Thank you, America.
16:27Go on, you get four pints of Ruddles for that.
16:29Okay, check this out.
16:32The vice president is fucking her personal trainer.
16:37Ooh.
16:40No.
16:41Not really interested.
16:42Is this all you have?
16:43No, I've got a super-hot British source with a super-sexy voice.
16:46She sounds like Mary Poppins on all fours.
16:48You do realise Mary Poppins would be over a hundred by now?
16:51Yeah, and I'd like a sleeper chimney, eh?
16:53You know what I mean?
16:55No.
16:56Should we just go to the pub?
16:57There's one over there, they'll do a shit coffee.
16:59No, no, no, see, here's the thing.
17:00This guy Ray, he had a blog a couple of years ago, right?
17:03Right.
17:05So I did some research.
17:06So you Googled it?
17:07No, I didn't just Google it, I found this thing, right, called the Internet Archive.
17:11So you Googled it?
17:12I Googled Internet Archive, yes, and I found it there.
17:15But on the Internet Archive, I found screen grabs of his old blog, right?
17:20Mm-hm.
17:21What Ray said was, and I quote,
17:23Obesity is a punishment for sins committed in a previous life.
17:27Fat people have to learn self-discipline until they are rid of the demon that lives within them.
17:34Oh, hello.
17:35Yeah.
17:36What do you have to say about that?
17:38Danny Waugh.
17:39Excuse me one sec.
17:40Ben.
17:41Peter.
17:42Great service.
17:43Yes, no, it was very moving.
17:45I thought the Vice President's speech was quite excellent.
17:50You don't happen to know her whereabouts, do you?
17:53Yeah, she's on the phone, State Department.
17:56Right.
17:58I saw the German Chancellor just now heading towards the Lady Chapel.
18:06Yeah, he was going in there to pray privately.
18:11I overheard him speaking to one of his aides.
18:14Oh, you overheard him, you speak German?
18:18Yes.
18:19Mm-hm.
18:20As they say in Germany.
18:24My German's a little bit rusty, I must admit.
18:26Oh, God. So is mine.
18:30Ich muss wieder zur Schule gehen.
18:35Absolutely. Good times.
18:40At school.
18:41What?
18:42I said I should go back to school.
18:44Yes.
18:45Well, the thing about German is, once it's with you, it stays with you.
18:49It's like riding a ein bike.
18:54Is the Vice President in the Lady Chapel with the German Chancellor?
18:58No, I told you before, she's on the phone.
19:01Mm-hm.
19:02Okay.
19:03Okay, because is that not quite clearly her hat?
19:10No, I don't think it is.
19:13No, that's not her hat.
19:14I think it is her hat. It's definitely her hat.
19:18I'll tell you how I know, because I remember when I first saw it thinking to myself,
19:22what a hideous hat.
19:24It is like she's stuck her head in a swan and it's exploded.
19:31I don't believe it is, sir.
19:33Well, du luchst.
19:37Hilarious.
19:38It means you're lying.
19:40I know.
19:41I know.
19:44Okay.
19:45Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable standing here pretending that we can't quite clearly see the Vice President
19:51in the Lady Chapel with the German Chancellor finalising a deal about the TSO.
20:00Well, I wouldn't say comfortable.
20:03Maybe that's her hat.
20:05I'll see you at the press conference.
20:08Okay, so, unelected loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President.
20:14He says that fat people, no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life.
20:19Yeah.
20:20You know how upsetting that's going to be to fat people?
20:22All of America is fat people.
20:24That's all we have.
20:25All of our children weigh on 300 fucking pounds.
20:28Well, we've got fat kids here.
20:30Well, I've got a fat kid that I can see every afternoon, but that's her.
20:33She's, um...
20:35Right, we'll ambush the Vice President.
20:37We'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.
20:40Seriously?
20:41Yeah.
20:42Oh, my God, you guys are fucking brutal.
20:44This calls for a celebration.
20:45Come on, I'll give you the first pint at least.
20:53And, of course, those volunteers who tend the war cemetery graves.
20:58Let's take some questions.
21:00Nick?
21:01Nick Hadley, Daily Express.
21:02Okay.
21:03Madam Vice President, can you comment on the breaking story about your personal trainer, Ray Whelans?
21:11Or would you like to comment?
21:13Huh.
21:14Well, I don't know what story it is you're referring to.
21:18I'm so sorry, I don't...
21:19He wrote an essay saying obese children are possessed by the devil as a punishment for past sins.
21:28Wow, goodness.
21:30Way to go, Dan.
21:31Way to go, Ray.
21:32Yeah, now just throw the blame around.
21:34Not on me, though, it's not my fault.
21:36Source, I don't know anything about it.
21:38The essay is online, here.
21:39Is it?
21:40Okay.
21:41It's a thoroughly bizarre story.
21:43It's called cosmic balance.
21:46It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
21:48Yeah, well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
21:50I believe in karma.
21:52And does that make me weird?
21:54Yes.
21:55Yes!
21:56It just has quotes leaping out.
21:57Here's one.
21:58Body fat stores all that is bad in us.
22:01Too much, and the host is enveloped in sin.
22:05Guys, I wrote a treatise a couple years ago.
22:09I write a lot of treatises.
22:10It's treatises, Ray.
22:11The normal plural.
22:13Hello?
22:14Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for the lead meal, pearly queen.
22:18My pleasure.
22:19Another one.
22:21Two more, two pints, please.
22:23I was wondering if you were available this evening, by chance you would like to join me for some dinner.
22:28I found a very charming gastropub.
22:30Uh, that sounds lovely.
22:32Brilliant.
22:33Text the details to my cell.
22:34Mobile.
22:35So this idea that fat is fate, that's nonsense, is it?
22:40Um, I am certain that the deputy prime minister would like to move on now to the matters at hand.
22:48Oh, I think we're in it now.
22:51I think we probably should maybe see this through to the end.
22:54What's going on?
22:55Well, where is she?
22:57Yeah, I got this.
22:58I got this.
22:59I can, uh, here's what we're going to do.
23:02Uh, we are going to go big on Prince Charles.
23:05No, no, scratch that.
23:07We're going to cancel Charles.
23:08What?
23:09We're cancelling Charles, okay?
23:10Do you hate fat people?
23:11You know what?
23:12Let me just put this to rest, okay?
23:14I have always been a friend of the fat, full-figured, uh, folks.
23:19Okay, my pretend friends.
23:21I got to go back to D.C.
23:23Something very big has happened, and I got to be there.
23:26What is it?
23:27Taniwa.
23:28Taniwa.
23:29What's that?
23:30Taniwa.
23:31Ah.
23:32Whoa.
23:33Easy, buddy.
23:34Easy.
23:35You'll be okay.
23:36Hey, hey, hey, hey.
23:37You get your hands off me, all right?
23:38I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy.
23:39Okay.
23:40I can.
23:41Whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:42Oh, he's having a heart attack.
23:43You having a heart attack?
23:44No, no, no.
23:45I think he's just having a breakdown.
23:46I think this is like indigestion or something.
23:49I don't think I should have eaten that scotch egg.
23:51Is that that egg with the sausage wrapped around it?
23:54Never mind.
23:55Not important.
23:56Ray, I need to speak with you privately.
23:58Mike.
23:59You're at church.
24:02Yes, sir.
24:03Oh, my God, Mike.
24:05Oh, my God.
24:07I got it.
24:08I got it.
24:09I got this.
24:10I got this.
24:11Siri, Ray Wieland's treatise.
24:15Treatises.
24:16Okay.
24:18People are disturbed by your role.
24:20Yeah, they think folks who are physical can't be cerebral.
24:23They think those two things are separate, that they're not symbiotic.
24:28No, no, no.
24:29You don't understand.
24:30I do.
24:31I do.
24:32Look, people think that, you know, he's a fitness guy.
24:34How can you know about politics?
24:36I guess you can.
24:38Again, I don't think you do.
24:41People think Selena's judgment is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.
24:50What does that have to do with people?
24:51Oh, you're not getting it.
24:53You know, the brain is a muscle.
24:56No, Edison.
24:57That I have sympathy.
24:59I do have the deep sympathy for those who struggle with their weight.
25:05And I will go on to say that even I, as a young teenager, had a bit of a struggle with my weight,
25:11as I'm sure almost everyone here in this room has had at one moment or another in their life.
25:27I can't feel my hands.
25:28Do you feel my hands?
25:29Yeah, I do.
25:30Okay, I can feel them, but that's not how it works.
25:32I'm googling your symptoms right now.
25:33What are your symptoms?
25:34Massive pain.
25:35Yeah, where? In your chest?
25:37Yeah, yeah, like right where my hand is clutching.
25:39The pain is right around there.
25:41I'm trying to help you.
25:42Like under my heart.
25:43Do you taste copper?
25:47I think you're having a panic attack.
25:49No, no, no.
25:51I don't panic.
25:52I'm the fucking Iceman.
25:53That's why I'm the campaign manager.
25:56Call Sue.
25:57What's the code that you put before her number?
25:59001.
26:00I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number before I put the codes in.
26:03Hey, Sue, sorry. Hey, listen.
26:07Holy shit.
26:08How much exactly did you weigh?
26:10Okay, well, at my very biggest, I would say it's probably roughly around 151 or 152 pounds.
26:18I don't know what that translates to in terms of stones.
26:23That's a lot.
26:24Yeah, heavy.
26:25Oh, is it? That's a lot. Okay.
26:27This is like the queen's chair.
26:29We're going to let us back in England again.
26:31I need to research everything Ray Wheeler's ever wrote.
26:34It doesn't matter.
26:35It does matter. This is the fucking queen's china.
26:38It's been something that's, you know, it's a part, it's my history.
26:41And it's, I can't say that I was proud to be as enormous as I was, but there you have it.
26:48What are you looking for?
26:50I'm looking for a napkin to at least cover it.
26:54Behind the curtain.
26:55Put it behind the curtain.
26:56Behind the curtain.
27:01You really don't get it.
27:04So I'm going to keep this very simple.
27:06You're fired.
27:09I get you.
27:11Very simple.
27:14Yes, it is.
27:15Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk.
27:17Let's see where we all are in a month or so.
27:21This is amazing.
27:25Hurry up, Gary.
27:30Oh my God.
27:32What a fucking misery marathon that was.
27:39Where is everybody?
27:40Dan had a nervous collapse. Amy's taking him to the hospital.
27:43Ben went back to D.C.
27:45Kent's firing Ray.
27:47And I'm in charge.
27:50Fuck.
27:51I know, right?
27:52I should just go back out there.
27:55Did you see that?
27:56Yeah, I saw.
27:58Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous, jiggly-ass ass?
28:06Ma'am, but people love people who are like fat and then they're no longer fat.
28:10No, they don't.
28:11Right.
28:12Fat people don't even vote.
28:15They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know?
28:18There's no food in the voting booth.
28:21Ma'am, the House of Commons voted to censor U.S. data monitoring activities.
28:26Huh?
28:27And there's five fat kids outside dressed as Satan.
28:35Already?
28:38You know what we're going to do?
28:39We're going to cancel on Prince Charles.
28:41Gary, we're going to have to get out of here the back way or something.
28:47Gary.
28:48Yep.
28:50Let's go.
28:56God, I hate this stupid country so much.
28:58Nothing makes sense here, you know?
29:00You ask what temperature it is, you get some sort of tiny little number.
29:03I don't know what it...
29:05What? What is that supposed to mean?
29:07Even the plugs here are bigger than the things that they power.
29:13Okay, ma'am, I've got to say something, so do not interrupt me, all right?
29:16I will interrupt you whenever I want to interrupt you.
29:18Okay, okay.
29:19But this is exactly what I...
29:20Mike, right now, if I wanted to interrupt you right now...
29:22Okay, Ray is poison. He's got nothing to do with wellness.
29:24He's a sickness, and you've got him bad, and you've got to get rid of him.
29:28Do you actually think that I don't know that?
29:32I just got Brit-fucked by that balloon animal.
29:36Ray's gone. Trust me.
29:40That is such a huge relief.
29:43He was getting into everything, you know?
29:45I know, I know.
29:46I mean, my God, Dan only hired him as a sex slave.
29:54What?
29:59Dan, he hired Ray as a sex slave, did you not know?
30:07He... he pimped me out?
30:11Yeah, yeah.
30:17Who knows about this?
30:19Uh, me, Amy, and Mike.
30:21Okay.
30:22And Ben, Ken, Sue, everybody.
30:24Everybody pretty much knows men.
30:26Give me my phone. Just give it to me.
30:30Yeah. Dan is so fired.
30:37I've got to say, Amy, you're like an actual friend.
30:40I mean, who wouldn't be?
30:42I've got to say, Amy, you're like an actual friend.
30:45I mean, throughout all this, you know, me being made campaign manager over you,
30:49I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.
30:51Well, I guess I'm a team player, so...
30:53Knock, knock.
30:55Hey, buddy, how you doing?
30:57Am I hallucinating?
30:59Can I please get some better drugs?
31:01How you feeling? You doing okay?
31:03What the fuck are you doing here, Jonah?
31:05Huh? What are you molesting coma patients?
31:08Is that a thing? I might know.
31:10Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats.
31:12No, I'm just here because I wanted to tell you how sorry I am
31:16that you had a massive nervous breakdown.
31:18Oh, yeah.
31:20I also wanted to tell you that I'm the one that broke you
31:24because I broke that personal trainer story.
31:29That was me.
31:31What are you talking about?
31:32Oh, I got a tip from some super hot British chick.
31:35I'm actually going to see her right now.
31:37So those flowers aren't for Dan?
31:39Oh, fuck no.
31:40No, those are for my filthy Mary Poppins,
31:42and I'm going to give her a spoonful of sugar.
31:45Well, how delightful.
31:46I have to go, so get well, and...
31:49Ah, on the other hand,
31:52Selena just fired you as campaign manager,
31:55so take as long as you need.
31:57Take longer.
32:02Sue, forgive me, this is a terrible thing to ask,
32:06but I'm afraid that we're going to have to cancel Prince Charles.
32:10Do you realize how difficult and demeaning it was
32:13for me to set up that meeting?
32:15And it was a try-up, Sue.
32:17You have put me in a hideous situation,
32:19remotely, I might add,
32:21so from now on, remotely is how we will interact.
32:24Sue, there's no need to take that tone.
32:27I'm used to a better class of tone, so just...
32:37Should I take another call?
32:39Of course, okay.
32:41I have to take this outside.
32:43Okay, yep, yep.
32:49My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night,
32:51so I figure it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two.
32:55In what world would that make sense?
32:59You need to get on your running machine and run away.
33:04Running machines don't go anywhere.
33:07I understand. I get it.
33:10Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
33:15Oh, my God. Seriously?
33:18Okay, let's just add it to the fucking heap.
33:23The First Lady has attempted to take her own life.
33:29What?
33:32How?
33:33Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka.
33:35That's why Pote is sent for Ben.
33:37He was touch and go there for a while, but...
33:40Oh.
33:44Really makes you put your own problems into perspective, doesn't it?
33:47Mm-hmm.
33:48Seriously?
33:49It does.
33:51Although your problems are still pretty bad.
33:53Yeah, they are.
33:56I couldn't help but overhear,
33:57but I always thought that lady was a little damaged.
34:00Jesus fucking Christ.
34:03You're fired, okay?
34:05Get out!
34:07Unbelievable.
34:08Isn't it?
34:10All right, so I think this is the last of it.
34:13Okay.
34:14Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.
34:15What are we gonna do about Dan?
34:16I don't care. Miss the last chopper out.
34:18And, uh, Aime,
34:21you are now officially the new campaign manager.
34:26Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
34:28Okay.
34:29So then I'm not in charge anymore?
34:31Correct.
34:32Good, because I could use a nap.
34:36Okay, let's get the merry old fuck out of merry old England.
34:39Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed.
34:43Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
34:46Okay.
35:05Okay, let's check out your chart.
35:07Let's see how you're doing here.
35:09Okay.
35:10All right.
35:11Dan Egan, 67, female.
35:14Unemployed campaign manager.
35:1630 different types of semen pumped from stomach.
35:19Inverted nipples.
35:21Abnormally high douche readings.
35:23That makes sense.
35:24Cancer of the soul.
35:26Traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth.
35:29Chronic cretinism.
35:31Leprosy.
35:32Anal bleeding.
35:34Uh, tiny child balls.