Veep Season 3 Episode 8 Debate
Veep Season 3 Episode 8 Debate
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main
00:21targets here are Maddox and Chung.
00:24Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation, actual and general air of.
00:29Yeah, I want their heads on my wall.
00:32Actual heads.
00:33God, I love this kind of talk.
00:35Gets me aroused.
00:36No.
00:37Sorry, I meant roused.
00:38No, did I mean, I meant aroused, aroused.
00:42Hi, Catherine.
00:44Americano dash a cow.
00:45Thanks.
00:46Whoa, who the fuck is Smiley Face Coffee Boy?
00:49That's Jackson, I hired him to sharpen up Selena's answers, he's a writer.
00:53Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners, just me and my iPad, which I like to call the zinger
00:58selling machine.
00:59Oh, so you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh?
01:02I know it's terrible that the first lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what
01:07she would have wanted, does want.
01:09Okay, let's rehearse the debate.
01:11Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
01:13Let's see, I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball.
01:17Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
01:21Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
01:23Well, I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing congressman from shit-stained Nevada, who's got the newly
01:29dropped balls enough to think that I can run for president.
01:34Kent, you are former sect-athematics.
01:36Don't do the voice, though.
01:38I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
01:42Okay, sect-athematics, where do you stand on crime?
01:45Well, right now I'm coming across pretty hard lines, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
01:52Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try
01:57to out-hard sect-athematics.
02:00They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
02:02What?
02:03Oh, my God.
02:04Well, maybe, I don't know if it's going to be Baywatch, and probably a more up-to-date
02:09reference, but we could...
02:10You know what, son?
02:11You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay?
02:13And even then, you just say, tickle me.
02:15I like his jokes.
02:16They're jokes, right?
02:18Yeah.
02:19Yeah?
02:20Yeah.
02:22All right, everyone.
02:23Drum roll.
02:24No, that's not really a drum roll.
02:26She's coming.
02:27Ready?
02:28She's coming.
02:29I think Gary's about to come.
02:31She's come.
02:32It's too much build-up.
02:33It's too much build-up.
02:34Rebranded.
02:35What do we think?
02:36I love it.
02:37Love it.
02:38I love it.
02:39It looks great.
02:40I never knew you had so much neck.
02:41I know.
02:42You know, I mean that in a good way.
02:43Right.
02:44I mean, I think necks are neat.
02:45I love it.
02:46I love it.
02:47I love it.
02:48I love it.
02:49I love it.
02:50I love it.
02:51I love it.
02:52I love it.
02:53I love it.
02:54I love it.
02:55I love it.
02:56I love it.
02:57I love it.
02:58I love it.
02:59I love it.
03:00I love it.
03:01I love it.
03:02I love it.
03:03I love it.
03:04I love it.
03:05I love it.
03:06I love it.
03:07I love it.
03:08I love it.
03:09I love it.
03:10I love it.
03:11I love it.
03:12I love it.
03:13I love it.
03:14I love it.
03:15I love it.
03:16I love it.
03:17I love it.
03:18I love it.
03:19I love it.
03:20I love it.
03:21I love it.
03:22I love it.
03:23I love it.
03:24I love it.
03:25I love it.
03:26I love it.
03:27I love it.
03:28I love it.
03:29I love it.
03:30I love it.
03:31I love it.
03:32I love it.
03:33I love it.
03:34I love it.
03:35I love it.
03:36I love it.
03:37I love it.
03:38I love it.
03:39I love it.
03:40I love it.
03:41I love it.
03:42I love it.
03:43I love it.
03:44I love it.
03:45I love it.
03:46I love it.
03:47I love it.
03:48I love it.
03:49I love it.
03:50I love it.
03:51I love it.
03:52I love it.
03:53I love it.
03:54I love it.
03:55I love it.
03:56I love it.
03:57I love it.
03:58I love it.
03:59I love it.
04:00I love it.
04:01I love it.
04:02I love it.
04:03I love it.
04:04I love it.
04:05I love it.
04:06I love it.
04:07I love it.
04:08I love it.
04:09I love it.
04:10I love it.
04:11I love it.
04:12I love it.
04:13I love it.
04:14I love it.
04:15I love it.
04:16I love it.
04:17I love it.
04:18I love it.
04:19I love it.
04:20I love it.
04:21I love it.
04:22I love it.
04:23I love it.
04:24I love it.
04:25I love it.
04:26I love it.
04:27I love it.
04:28I love it.
04:29I love it.
04:30I love it.
04:31I love it.
04:32I love it.
04:33I love it.
04:34I love it.
04:35I love it.
04:36I love it.
04:37I love it.
04:38I love it.
04:39I love it.
04:40I love it.
04:41I love it.
04:42I love it.
04:43I love it.
04:44I love it.
04:45I love it.
04:46I love it.
04:47I love it.
04:48I love it.
04:49I love it.
04:50I love it.
04:51I love it.
04:52I love it.
04:53I love it.
04:54I love it.
04:55I love it.
04:56I love it.
04:57I love it.
04:58I love it.
04:59I love it.
05:00I love it.
05:01I love it.
05:02I love it.
05:03I love it.
05:04I love it.
05:05I love it.
05:06I love it.
05:07I love it.
05:08I love it.
05:09I love it.
05:10I love it.
05:11I love it.
05:12I love it.
05:13I love it.
05:14I love it.
05:15I love it.
05:16I love it.
05:17I love it.
05:18I love it.
05:19I love it.
05:20I love it.
05:21I love it.
05:22I love it.
05:23I love it.
05:24I love it.
05:25I love it.
05:26I love it.
05:27I love it.
05:28I love it.
05:29I love it.
05:30I love it.
05:31I love it.
05:32I love it.
05:33I love it.
05:34I love it.
05:35I love it.
05:36I love it.
05:37I love it.
05:38I love it.
05:39I love it.
05:40I love it.
05:41I love it.
05:42I love it.
05:43I love it.
05:44I love it.
05:45I love it.
05:46I love it.
05:47I love it.
05:48I love it.
05:49I love it.
05:50I love it.
05:51I love it.
05:52I love it.
05:53I love it.
05:54I love it.
05:55I love it.
05:56I love it.
05:57I love it.
05:58I love it.
05:59I love it.
06:00I love it.
06:01I love it.
06:02I love it.
06:03I love it.
06:04I love it.
06:05I love it.
06:06I love it.
06:07I love it.
06:08I love it.
06:09I love it.
06:10I love it.
06:11I love it.
06:12I love it.
06:13I love it.
06:14I love it.
06:15I love it.
06:16I love it.
06:17I love it.
06:18I love it.
06:19I love it.
06:20I love it.
06:21I love it.
06:22I love it.
06:23I love it.
06:24I love it.
06:25I love it.
06:26I love it.
06:27I love it.
06:28I love it.
06:29I love it.
06:30I love it.
06:31I love it.
06:32I love it.
06:33I love it.
06:34I love it.
06:35I love it.
06:36I love it.
06:37I love it.
06:38I love it.
06:39I love it.
06:40I love it.
06:41I love it.
06:42I love it.
06:43I love it.
06:44I love it.
06:45I love it.
06:46I love it.
06:47I love it.
06:48I love it.
06:49I love it.
06:50I love it.
06:51I love it.
06:52I love it.
06:53I love it.
06:54I love it.
06:55I love it.
06:56I love it.
06:57I love it.
06:58I love it.
06:59I love it.
07:00I love it.
07:01I love it.
07:02I love it.
07:03I love it.
07:04I love it.
07:05I love it.
07:06I love it.
07:07I love it.
07:08I love it.
07:09I love it.
07:10I love it.
07:11I love it.
07:12I love it.
07:13I love it.
07:14I love it.
07:15I love it.
07:16I love it.
07:17I love it.
07:18I love it.
07:19I love it.
07:20I love it.
07:21I love it.
07:22I love it.
07:23I love it.
07:24I love it.
07:25I love it.
07:26I love it.
07:27I love it.
07:28I love it.
07:29I love it.
07:30I love it.
07:31I love it.
07:32I love it.
07:33I love it.
07:34I love it.
07:35I love it.
07:36I love it.
07:37I love it.
07:38I love it.
07:39I love it.
07:40I love it.
07:41I love it.
07:42I love it.
07:43I love it.
07:44I love it.
07:45I love it.
07:46I love it.
07:47I love it.
07:48I love it.
07:49I love it.
07:50I love it.
07:51I love it.
07:52I love it.
07:53I love it.
07:54I love it.
07:55I love it.
07:56I love it.
07:57I love it.
07:58I love it.
07:59I love it.
08:00I love it.
08:01I love it.
08:02I love it.
08:03I love it.
08:04I love it.
08:05I love it.
08:06I love it.
08:07I love it.
08:08I love it.
08:09I love it.
08:10I love it.
08:11I love it.
08:12I love it.
08:13I love it.
08:14I love it.
08:15I love it.
08:16I love it.
08:17I love it.
08:18I love it.
08:19I love it.
08:20I love it.
08:21I love it.
08:22I love it.
08:23I love it.
08:24I love it.
08:25I love it.
08:26I love it.
08:27I love it.
08:28I love it.
08:29I love it.
08:30I love it.
08:31I love it.
08:32I love it.
08:33I love it.
08:34I love it.
08:35I love it.
08:36I love it.
08:37I love it.
08:38I love it.
08:39I love it.
08:40I love it.
08:41I love it.
08:42I love it.
08:43I love it.
08:44I love it.
08:45I love it.
08:46I love it.
08:47I love it.
08:48I love it.
08:49I love it.
08:50I love it.
08:51I love it.
08:52I love it.
08:53I love it.
08:54I love it.
08:55I love it.
08:56I love it.
08:57I love it.
08:58I love it.
08:59I love it.
09:00I love it.
09:01I love it.
09:02I love it.
09:03I love it.
09:04I love it.
09:05I love it.
09:06I love it.
09:07I love it.
09:08I love it.
09:09I love it.
09:10I love it.
09:11I love it.
09:12I love it.
09:13I love it.
09:14I love it.
09:15I love it.
09:16I love it.
09:17I love it.
09:18I love it.
09:19I love it.
09:20I love it.
09:21I love it.
09:22I love it.
09:23I love it.
09:24I love it.
09:25I love it.
09:26I love it.
09:27I love it.
09:28I love it.
09:29I love it.
09:30I love it.
09:31I love it.
09:32I love it.
09:33I love it.
09:34I love it.
09:35I love it.
09:36I love it.
09:37I love it.
09:38I love it.
09:39I love it.
09:40I love it.
09:41I love it.
09:42I love it.
09:43I love it.
09:44I love it.
09:45I love it.
09:46I love it.
09:47I love it.
09:48I love it.
09:49I love it.
09:50I love it.
09:51I love it.
09:52I love it.
09:53I love it.
09:54I love it.
09:55I love it.
09:56I love it.
09:57I love it.
09:58I love it.
09:59I love it.
10:00I love it.
10:01I love it.
10:02I love it.
10:03I love it.
10:04I love it.
10:05I love it.
10:06I love it.
10:07I love it.
10:08I love it.
10:09I love it.
10:10I love it.
10:11I love it.
10:12I love it.
10:13I love it.
10:14I love it.
10:15I love it.
10:16I love it.
10:17I love it.
10:18I love it.
10:19I love it.
10:20I love it.
10:21I love it.
10:22I love it.
10:23I love it.
10:24I love it.
10:25I love it.
10:26I love it.
10:27I love it.
10:28I love it.
10:29I love it.
10:30I love it.
10:31I love it.
10:32I love it.
10:33I love it.
10:34I love it.
10:35I love it.
10:36I love it.
10:37I love it.
10:38I love it.
10:39I love it.
10:40I love it.
10:41I love it.
10:42I love it.
10:43I love it.
10:44I love it.
10:45I love it.
10:46I love it.
10:47I love it.
10:48I love it.
10:49I love it.
10:50I love it.
10:51I love it.
10:52I love it.
10:53I love it.
10:54I love it.
10:55I love it.
10:56I love it.
10:57I love it.
10:58I love it.
10:59I love it.
11:00I love it.
11:01I love it.
11:02I love it.
11:03I love it.
11:04I love it.
11:05I love it.
11:06I love it.
11:07I love it.
11:08I love it.
11:09I love it.
11:10I love it.
11:11I love it.
11:12I love it.
11:13I love it.
11:14I love it.
11:15I love it.
11:16I love it.
11:17I love it.
11:18I love it.
11:19I love it.
11:20I love it.
11:21I love it.
11:22I love it.
11:23I love it.
11:24I love it.
11:25I love it.
11:26I love it.
11:27I love it.
11:28I love it.
11:29I love it.
11:30I love it.
11:31I love it.
11:32I love it.
11:33I love it.
11:34I love it.
11:35I love it.
11:36I love it.
11:37I love it.
11:38I love it.
11:39I love it.
11:40I love it.
11:41I love it.
11:42I love it.
11:43I love it.
11:44I love it.
11:45I love it.
11:46I love it.
11:47I love it.
11:48I love it.
11:49I love it.
11:50I love it.
11:51I love it.
11:52I love it.
11:53I love it.
11:54I love it.
11:55I love it.
11:56I love it.
11:57I love it.
11:58I love it.
11:59I love it.
12:00I love it.
12:01I love it.
12:02I love it.
12:03I love it.
12:04I love it.
12:05I love it.
12:06I love it.
12:07I love it.
12:08I love it.
12:09I love it.
12:10I love it.
12:11I love it.
12:12I love it.
12:13I love it.
12:14I love it.
12:15I love it.
12:16I love it.
12:17I love it.
12:18I love it.
12:19I love it.
12:20I love it.
12:21I love it.
12:22I love it.
12:23I love it.
12:24I love it.
12:25I love it.
12:26I love it.
12:27I love it.
12:28I love it.
12:29I love it.
12:30I love it.
12:31Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the candidates for tonight's debate.
12:35Joe Thornhill.
12:37Former Secretary of Defense George Maddox.
12:41Vice President Selina Meyer.
12:43Mountain Vice President.
12:45How do you do?
12:46Here's my favorite part where they all pretend like they like each other.
12:49Governor Danny Charles.
12:50Fuck Broadway, this is real acting.
12:51Congressman Owen Pierce.
12:53Nice hair kiss.
12:55I think he actually missed the air.
12:57Welcome all of you.
12:59Let's get started.
13:00There he spills his water.
13:01I swear this kid is literally going to shit himself.
13:04Joe Thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach.
13:08People say you're way out of your league, literally.
13:12Shouldn't you get off the field?
13:14You know, ma'am, I'm just an ordinary guy, and I live in the real America.
13:20I may not know much about running the country, I'll give you that.
13:24But you know what?
13:26Neither did George Washington.
13:28Very good.
13:29Don't compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.
13:32What you need is some coaching, and I want to be your coach.
13:36I want to coach America.
13:39And if you'll have me, well, I guarantee you, we're going all the way to the pennant.
13:49Thank you very much.
13:54Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial.
13:56The focus groups love it.
13:57A typical vote for anybody they recognize.
13:59We could lose to the whale from Free Willy.
14:02Today we're here to talk about records, and my record clearly shows that, unlike some of us, I have been tested.
14:11Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy, and the rest of us get fucking tortured.
14:17When I saved my friend on the field of battle from a burning tank, I wasn't thinking about myself.
14:30I was thinking about my friend.
14:32I was thinking about his family.
14:34Look at him throwing his water everywhere.
14:37He should have been there when the tank was on fire.
14:39How does this kid feed himself?
14:42Mike?
14:43You said Winnie would be here. Where is she?
14:45She's not my dog, Amy, who actually isn't very well at the moment.
14:48I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here, okay?
14:50She's got a problem with an anal gland.
14:52I'm talking about the dog.
14:54Oh, there she is. Hey, tiger.
14:56Ah, hey. So, Gary.
14:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:00Talk to Wendy about Selena.
15:01What?
15:02The thing.
15:03Hi, Wendy. Hey.
15:05We are so excited about the Veep's new look, Wendy.
15:08We think it makes you look younger, but it's age appropriate, I feel.
15:12Nice to see you, too, Gary.
15:13Hey.
15:14Relax, it's a cuff piece, all right?
15:16I'm the style section now. You don't have to do that.
15:18People are being so critical, Wendy.
15:20I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian.
15:22Shit.
15:23I didn't just say that. I'm so sorry.
15:25Amy, stop being so nervous.
15:26Watch, watch me.
15:27Oh, I love your tie.
15:29See?
15:30You're basically brain dead. Don't worry.
15:32Secretary Maddox.
15:33Yes.
15:34You've been with the military exclusively.
15:37What makes you qualified to be the president?
15:39I'm a man of words that the American people can understand.
15:46I'm talking about words like the economy, jobs.
15:54World's worst boy band member ever right there.
15:58It's a simple and direct language.
16:03And, uh...
16:05He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided he hadn't finished yet.
16:09It's a language that I feel the American people want to listen to.
16:16I feel your pain.
16:18You okay?
16:20I'll be better when you walk away.
16:22If only we could all just walk away.
16:25And now to you, Madam Vice President.
16:28Your personal trainer caused some controversy recently and had to be dismissed.
16:33What do you say to the accusation that you care too much about image
16:37and aren't making a real difference to America?
16:40Before I answer it, I'd like to start off by saying
16:43I would like to be the first to thank the kind folks here at the University of New Hampshire,
16:51the faculty, the staff, the students, of course.
16:54Absolutely.
16:55For, um...
16:57Excuse me, Congressman?
16:58Yes.
16:59Yes.
17:00Absolutely.
17:01Great.
17:02I do want to answer that question.
17:04I gotta say, I like this new look.
17:06You do?
17:07Mm-hmm.
17:08Yeah.
17:09Nice.
17:10I mean, it's better than the London outfit.
17:11That hat was crazy.
17:12I did not have anything to do with that.
17:14Ray chose that hat.
17:15Ray the trainer?
17:16Yeah.
17:17Ray has a say?
17:18She does not say nay to Ray, you know what I'm saying?
17:24What kind of stuff?
17:27I did have a fitness trainer.
17:29However, this gentleman did not make any decisions in my office under any circumstances.
17:35I choose my own outfits.
17:37I stay in shape.
17:38I make the decisions in my office.
17:41And I am the best multitasker on my team.
17:44She just said the opposite of what you said.
17:48No.
17:50Yes.
17:51You can't use that.
17:52Please don't use that.
17:53You just gave me a good scoop on Ray.
17:56I'm not gonna ignore that.
17:58Okay.
18:04Hello, Mike.
18:05I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, but then Selena said that he didn't.
18:10So now Wendy knows that Selena's lying.
18:12I'm sorry, Gary.
18:13You lost me at hello.
18:14How are we doing?
18:16Well, Thornhill is still, to use a baseball analogy, winning.
18:20Dan, get on the phone.
18:21Find me Thornhill's snatch now.
18:24Call every whore and mistress in America until you find the right one.
18:29You do remember that he had a breakdown recently.
18:32Oh, Jesus, Kent.
18:34It was like three weeks ago.
18:35Besides, Selena is waiting for the signal.
18:37We need to out this affair.
18:39Yeah, we do.
18:40We need to find the smoking hun.
18:42As in honey.
18:43That doesn't work.
18:44That's not clear.
18:45I got a bad stomach cramp.
18:46I think I might be coming down with a bug or something.
18:48Congressman Pierce, you've served in Congress for four years now.
18:52How does that affect your vision for America?
18:54The America that I see now is a mess.
19:00Our economy is going down the drain.
19:03If our government is going to take everything from us, bar the kitchen sink,
19:09they might want to take the plug as well.
19:14Why a plug?
19:19To plug up the plug hole.
19:23That's a joke.
19:24He's making a joke.
19:26I guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor.
19:29We should put this guy in Vegas.
19:31I mean, anywhere but here.
19:33If newspapers still had cartoonists, they could do something really clever with that plug.
19:38Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us?
19:41Everybody here doesn't hate me, right?
19:46Babe, we have a little situation here.
19:48Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay?
19:51You didn't say anything about FLOTUS, did you?
19:53No, but you just did.
19:55FLOTUS? What about FLOTUS?
19:57I didn't say anything about FLOTUS.
19:59She's a reporter.
20:00Shut up.
20:01Hey, what's going on with FLOTUS?
20:03Nothing.
20:04Nothing.
20:05I have to write about something, so...
20:07Okay, babe, look.
20:08I'm going to give you the Joe Thornhill affair.
20:11Thornhill affair?
20:12What the hell is wrong with you?
20:14That's okay. That's good with me. I'll take that. Good boy.
20:17Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.
20:19Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find it increasingly hard to find work.
20:25How would you address this issue?
20:27Ten bucks he says bring back the draft.
20:29You know, I'm not trying to say that you should join up and serve your country,
20:34but there are other options for young adults.
20:37You know, I'd love to field this one, Governor Chung, if you don't mind.
20:40I'm sorry. The question was directed to me.
20:43This is a question that is very near and dear to my heart.
20:46Are we all allowed to speak at once now? Is that how it's going to work?
20:49You know what? I would like to hear what the coach has to say.
20:52It's manager.
20:53Manager. It's fine.
20:54You know, as someone who has spent my entire professional career working with young athletes,
21:01helping them to achieve their potential and indeed become role models,
21:05young adult unemployment has always been a priority for me.
21:09He's blocking Selena.
21:11He's not smarter than he looks, mind you. He'd have to be.
21:14Seems to me the vice president has taken her eye off the ball.
21:18She's become distracted by the trappings of her office.
21:22I think it's time we stopped worrying about people up on the hill.
21:26Well, according to the dials, Thornhill's still out front.
21:29Okay, we really, really need that woman who fucked him to fuck him.
21:33We need Joe's home.
21:34I'm just waiting for one more source to corroborate the story.
21:37Oh, wait, wait, wait.
21:40This feels better than actually having sex yourself.
21:43Now, as a military man, I know that true leadership takes strategy.
21:49It takes planning. It takes a vision.
21:51Now, today we're not here to talk about personal trainers or baseball or plugs.
22:00I certainly hope that the governor is not suggesting that I haven't been tested.
22:06I've served my entire life under the scrutiny of the public eye,
22:11and I have no skeletons whatsoever in my closet.
22:16The question is, can we all say the same? Here.
22:20I need the story coming out of every TV, phone, laptop and hairdresser in America.
22:24Dan, you get the press ready.
22:25Yeah.
22:26Well, I'm glad you raised that issue, Madam Vice President.
22:30I've got something very important I would like to share with the American people.
22:36I just want to be honest.
22:39Many years ago, I had a brief affair.
22:43I deeply regret it.
22:45He's confessing.
22:47There is any dirty trick that I cannot stand.
22:51And it's honesty and support of my amazing wife, Chrissy.
22:55We got out the other side stronger than ever.
22:59Strong enough for me to tell you this, America.
23:02If you can forgive me.
23:04And you can vote for me.
23:06My amazing wife, Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen.
23:09There she is, my darling.
23:11There she is.
23:14I hate confessions.
23:16Unless they've been beaten out of someone.
23:18Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story, which makes my Thornhill story useless.
23:23So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS.
23:25I can't tell you about FLOTUS. FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.
23:28Then I can run the story on Ray.
23:30I can't let you run the story about Ray.
23:32But I love you, so I make everything better.
23:35This is what our marriage is going to be. This.
23:38It doesn't have to be.
23:40Wait, what are we talking about?
23:42There's always going to be a conflict of interest.
23:45But that's what marriage is, a conflict of interests.
23:48No, marriage is being able to tell each other everything and finding...
23:51Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight.
23:53Gary, get the hell out of my marriage.
23:55Okay, got it.
23:56Mike, I'm really nervous about all these haircut questions.
23:58Nobody cares.
24:01We have 11 million illegal immigrants currently living in the U.S. today.
24:06What do we do about them? Madam Vice President?
24:09I have a very clear strategy that I would like to share with everybody today.
24:17I call it my three R's.
24:20It's time for the three R's.
24:22They are solid as a rock, rock, rock.
24:24Number one, we need to reform.
24:28But we can't do it without bipartisan support.
24:32And that is something that I am confident with my experience I can absolutely secure.
24:39Number two, we need to reaffirm.
24:43We need to reaffirm our commitment to highly skilled legal immigrant workers.
24:52Number three, the third R.
25:01Renew, renew. The third R is renew.
25:03She forgot the third R.
25:05The third R is actually, in fact, let me go back to reaffirm, which was number two.
25:11Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out?
25:13You got a gun? I'll do it.
25:15Immigrants whose descendants, of course, run companies, successful companies like Clovis in Silicon Valley,
25:23where I had the good fortune to visit earlier this year.
25:26Madam Vice President? Yes.
25:27Your time is nearly up. Oh, dear.
25:29You mentioned a third R.
25:31Thank you so much, Andrea. And I'm absolutely going to get to that.
25:36Jesus, that is a wicked twitch.
25:38I can't watch this.
25:39Neither can she, because her fucking eyes don't work.
25:42It is a repel. That's right.
25:47Repel? Why did she say repel?
25:49What is it? Talk like a pirate, Dave?
25:51I mean, we need to repel unwanted immigration.
25:56We need to repel criminals. We need to repel obesity.
26:00We need to repel torturers.
26:03I think I've endorsed a Nazi.
26:04Well, explain the Hitler haircut.
26:06We need to repel the enemies of America.
26:17Maybe I should have gone with two R's.
26:19Hey, I got three F's for you.
26:21You're fucked, you fucking fucker.
26:24Oh, crap cakes. They're loving her.
26:28I know. Seems every time she says repel, she attracts more voters.
26:32We have a question now from a member of our audience, Angela Rodriguez.
26:37My mom lost her house because the banks refused to lower the rates.
26:41My dad passed away and she had to pay for the mortgage out of her savings.
26:45What's he doing?
26:46My mother lost her house.
26:48Don't look at the twitch. Focus on the dead dad lady.
26:52Secretary Maddox.
26:55Yeah, I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to your mom.
27:00And I don't think we should be penalizing any hardworking Americans.
27:08But here's the thing, Andrea.
27:10Angela.
27:11Huh?
27:12Angela. My name is Angela.
27:14Angela. Right, right, right.
27:16There are some loopholes.
27:19There are some loopholes.
27:21What we need to do is to to find those loopholes and find out whether are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes?
27:34What the hell is a legitimate hole?
27:38Don't get me started.
27:40I mean, that's the question that we should be asking ourselves.
27:44If I may.
27:45Please be brief, Congressman.
27:47Absolutely. With regard to holes and notwithstanding the humor that was poked at me earlier.
27:52And I'm certainly a fan of humor.
27:54Can't get by without it.
27:55But I think the point about holes is well taken.
27:58And so circles back to my point about plug holes earlier.
28:02Well, not, not, not, not, not quite.
28:04But it it we we want to find those holes or the loopholes.
28:08Just stop saying hole.
28:11It's not that bad.
28:12I'm telling you, it's not that bad as a whole.
28:14It's not that bad.
28:15But we want to stay above the hole.
28:17We don't want to go down the hole.
28:19He's going to disappear up his own hole hole.
28:22If I get your vote, you won't go down that hole.
28:26I want to bring everybody above the hole.
28:30We all want to live above the hole.
28:34That sounds like a slogan, folks.
28:38And once again, we'd like to express our appreciation to each of the candidates.
28:47Oh, well, you didn't get much of a chance to speak.
28:49No, I did.
28:50Oh, well.
28:51Remember that third R.
28:53Thornhill, 30 percent.
28:55Selena, second, 25.
28:57Chung, 22.
28:58Pierce, nine.
28:59Maddox, eight.
29:02Maddox dialed M for murdered himself.
29:06God, look at Pierce.
29:07He looks like he just got out of sex prison.
29:09He's not going to cry, is he?
29:12Now Maddox's daughter's going to give him the bad news.
29:15Daddy, you fucking blew it.
29:17Daddy, I've never been less proud of you.
29:20Well, thank God for Twitchy.
29:22He really saved us.
29:23I love that little guy.
29:25Now we just got to convince everyone the three R's don't stand for racist, right-wing, and racist.
29:30Oh, shit.
29:31I'm going to get so many questions about this hair.
29:34I gave you, like, a ton of lines for this.
29:36Okay.
29:37That's not reassuring.
29:39Hey, Dan.
29:41Dan.
29:42I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic to your, you know, mental head issues.
29:47So, I'm sorry.
29:49Friends?
29:53Go fuck yourself, Jack and the giant fruit stalk.
29:56Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.
30:05Yeah, okay.
30:07I do not know what I saw in you.
30:09Oh, I do.
30:10It's a less talented, ugly version of me.
30:13It's basically a human comfort blanket.
30:17Remember when I came up with short hair for the long haul?
30:20When?
30:21What?
30:22No.
30:23Cheer up.
30:24Coming second is good.
30:25It's especially true with opening debates.
30:27Also with fucking.
30:28It's not enough we have to win, and if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties.
30:32See, now that's the kind of talk that gets me turned on.
30:34We're going to have another twitch to deal with here.
30:36I wouldn't say repel is a strong word.
30:39It can mean also to push away gently with respect.
30:45I was pretty disappointed in Governor Chung's performance, but I did learn that he used to be a soldier.
30:50Learned that several times.
30:53Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair.
30:56Thank fucking God.
30:59Well, the hole is the hole.
31:03And the hole is the hole that people fall into, and if they fall below the line, they will fall into the hole.
31:09And we want to keep them from falling below the line and then into the hole or off the map.
31:15Because if they're in the hole, how are you going to get out?