Veep Season 4 Episode 5 Convention
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00:00Now people are always asking me, who is Roger Furlong?
00:20And I always refer them to the same passage in the good book, the scriptures.
00:25Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
00:29All right, let's do it.
00:31Being the first daughter is a big responsibility,
00:34but I'm happy to serve my country and to help out my mom.
00:39Oh, very good. Yes.
00:41I love you, mom.
00:42Oh, no, honey.
00:43You got to say it like you mean it, though, darling.
00:46It's so easy. It's like, I love you, mom.
00:49I love you, mom.
00:50There are great changes coming for this nation and my own life, too.
00:54Last year, I met a boy called Jason.
00:57I don't know. Should she say boy or man?
01:00Yes, that's a good question, ma'am.
01:02It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it?
01:04I haven't been carded for years, like three years.
01:07I just I don't know if this is going to play well.
01:10You know what? I started to feel that way myself.
01:12It's a convention. People love this shit.
01:14How could it not play well? We're in love.
01:16Yeah, it might play well.
01:18It could. I think it might.
01:20Mm-hmm.
01:22I cannot take Karen anymore.
01:24It's been weeks and she is yet to speak a declarative sentence.
01:27Lawyers tend to cover their bases.
01:29I know that from my car accident with a lawyer.
01:33You just tune around, you know, like living next to a highway.
01:36Last year, I met a guy called Jason and we fell in love.
01:41All right, sweetheart, it doesn't sound like you're in love to me.
01:44It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.
01:46Exactly. And we're going to get married.
01:50So I'd like to introduce you to Jason.
01:53Come on out, honey.
01:54It sounds like you're angry.
01:56I am angry.
01:57Well, that's why you sound like you're angry.
01:59Hide it. Conceal it for a second.
02:01Good. Conceal it.
02:03If you eat a zucchini anywhere in mainland North America,
02:06there's a 20 percent chance it's one of my zucchini.
02:09Well, I am such a zucchini fan.
02:12I practically photosynthesize.
02:14Next year, I want 24 percent.
02:17Well, listen, Dan here is the man.
02:18He's fresh from the White House.
02:20He's got a Rolodex that's crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket.
02:23And I want to take zucchini to the next level.
02:26Great. I'm in town till tomorrow.
02:28So any big dogs you can get me in a room with today?
02:31That's going to be tricky.
02:33You know, everyone's out of town for the convention.
02:35So the only people left in D.C. work at CVS.
02:37But Dan's just being modest.
02:39I mean, you know everybody, right, Dan?
02:41Flex that Rolodex, pal.
02:44Uh, yeah.
02:46You ever hear of General Ryan?
02:48No. Old buddy of mine.
02:49We go way back.
02:51Love that guy.
02:52I can get you in a room with him today.
02:54All right, listen, enough business.
02:56Let's eat.
02:57OK.
02:58But probably not fucking zucchini, right?
03:01I'd like to introduce you to Jason.
03:04Come on out, honey.
03:06OK, and now a kiss.
03:09Oh, that needs work.
03:10That needs work.
03:11Which part?
03:12All of it.
03:14How hard is it to kiss somebody?
03:15I know.
03:16I mean, you just put your head close to theirs.
03:17You let your lips touch, you know?
03:19Do I need to demonstrate this?
03:22No.
03:22No.
03:23OK, you can practice the walk on his own time.
03:25We really need to look at the president's speech now.
03:27Hey, human emotion, you can't rush it.
03:29It's not a precise science, Amy.
03:31All sciences are precise.
03:34That's what science means.
03:35That's open to interpretation.
03:37Yes.
03:37Extraordinary.
03:38Ma'am, there's a death row inmate in Louisiana.
03:41Oh, sounds good.
03:42He was given a new drug cocktail, but it didn't work.
03:44So basically, he's not dead.
03:46He's half dead.
03:47Half dead.
03:48Yeah, he's been half-executed.
03:49Awful.
03:50Like being decapitated but surviving.
03:52Happens to chickens a lot.
03:54Well, some might say that we're being
03:56slightly headless ourselves.
03:57We really need to focus on your speech.
04:00OK, well, there is this new execution issue,
04:02so that's the priority.
04:04Right.
04:04Do you think we should issue a statement or a?
04:06Yes, but a statement that can be repurposed if things change.
04:10He dies, he doesn't die, or whatever.
04:12Yeah, that's very clever.
04:16So it's true.
04:18They hacked the data of thousands of dead kids
04:21to directly target bereaved parents
04:23with this charming mailer.
04:26Wow, dead kids.
04:28That never sounds good unless you're
04:29a stressed-out single mom.
04:31This, and they pulled against me?
04:33Sid, I'm out.
04:34No, sir, that's the wrong move.
04:36You can't.
04:36There's only one midget I'm going to let tell me what to do,
04:39and I'm going to go tell her that I'm done.
04:41She doesn't have time to replace you.
04:43What are you going to do, pin a dick on Gary
04:45and give him the job?
04:46She's got a couple hours.
04:48I mean, there's more than enough time in politics.
04:50No, wait a minute.
04:51It's not, tough shitsky.
04:54So I'd like to say to all you young people, join me,
05:01and let's rock these United States.
05:07So remember, we wanted to go more aggressive.
05:09Yeah.
05:10I have a youthful college friend in the enemy camp
05:12with a small brain and a big mouth.
05:14She says that Senator O'Brien's running mate
05:17is going to be Laura Montez.
05:19Montez?
05:20Yeah.
05:21New Mexico Senator Laura Montez.
05:25She's brilliant.
05:27She's pretty.
05:29She's charming.
05:30She's a woman.
05:33She's fucking ethnic.
05:35This is Latina Getty.
05:37I wish I was that guy on death row.
05:39Apparently, he's vomiting black bile.
05:41I don't even care.
05:42This is such a bold move.
05:44It's clever.
05:44It's a really bold move.
05:46Yes, that's what I said.
05:47All right.
05:48There's nothing on the internet about Montez,
05:50except for the usual Photoshop nudity.
05:53O'Brien's really broken us here.
05:56He gets sexy mexy.
05:57What am I stuck with?
05:58Doyle?
05:59Steve Martin's boring older brother.
06:01I mean, it doesn't make any sense to say this,
06:03but I mean, I really, really wish we could give in to Doyle.
06:07Ma'am.
06:08What if we could put Danny Chung on the ticket with us?
06:11That would totally fuck up that fiesta of theirs, wouldn't it?
06:14Ma'am, the vice president's here,
06:16and he looks pissed, even more than usual.
06:19Hi, Andrew.
06:20Ma'am, we need to have one of those one-on-one
06:23conversations.
06:25You know, the kind that you promised we'd have once a week.
06:28Oh, snarky.
06:30OK, yeah.
06:31Let's go have a talk in the bedroom.
06:33It's really dirty in there.
06:34Do you want me to tidy up just a little bit?
06:36Oh, I don't care.
06:37Oh, fuck it.
06:39Oh, sorry for all this crap everywhere.
06:41Hear me out, Selena.
06:43I regret to inform you that I'm stepping off the ticket.
06:46What?
06:47I will stay on as a Veep through the inauguration,
06:49then I am getting in my Dodge, and I'm
06:51getting the hell out of Dodge.
06:54I don't, I don't, I mean, what are you talking, I am furious.
06:58Ben?
06:59Yeah.
06:59Are you hearing?
07:01I don't know if I, if I heard correctly.
07:03Something about resigning.
07:04Yeah, he's, he's stepping off the ticket.
07:07It's a matter of principle.
07:09There is no way on God's green cock
07:12that you can get out on a matter of principle.
07:14That's right.
07:15It has to be a health issue.
07:16Oh, I'm perfectly healthy.
07:18You got prostate problems.
07:19I'm not going to say that.
07:21That's embarrassing.
07:22Exactly.
07:22That's what makes it more real.
07:24I'm not going to lie, Selena.
07:27I said he's not going to lie, Ben.
07:31You know, there's been some very serious allegations
07:34coming from the vice president's office about sexual abuse.
07:38Excuse me.
07:38What?
07:39Jonah Ryan.
07:41Jonah.
07:41Oh, my God.
07:43Those poor interns.
07:44No, no, no.
07:45Jonah's the victim.
07:46Your man, Teddy.
07:47What?
07:48Yeah, he's been fondling Jonah's balls
07:50like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.
07:52I knew nothing about this, Ben.
07:54Nothing, Selena.
07:55So how can he be a man of principle
07:57when you're condoning sexual abuse in your office?
08:01In your office.
08:02The pope?
08:04We'll write a draft.
08:05Come on.
08:06Yeah.
08:06Prostate and that principle, huh?
08:08Yeah.
08:08That's what we'll, we'll go with that.
08:11Oh, OK.
08:14Oh, my God.
08:15What's wrong?
08:15The boy was a goner.
08:16What?
08:17He stepped off the ticket.
08:18What?
08:19In the middle of a convention?
08:21I know.
08:22Chung is our answer to Montez.
08:24He can be our minority retort.
08:25Yes.
08:26Hey, way to work that sexual abuse.
08:30It's like Christmas, except happy.
08:32Ma'am, I'm elated.
08:34This is great news.
08:35That's your lady face.
08:37We need to pick a running mate now, OK?
08:39So do you want to discuss our option?
08:40Has to be Danny Chung.
08:42That's exactly what I was going to say.
08:43Isn't that spooky?
08:44Not even remotely.
08:45OK, go get Danny Chung.
08:47Mike.
08:47Hey.
08:48Oh, my God.
08:49Ah, they found a pulse on the death row guy.
08:51Oh.
08:52Now they can kill him properly.
08:53God, do you think they could do that right?
08:55Death row.
08:56The clue is in the name.
09:00Welcome to the real DC boys.
09:02Dan Central.
09:04Hello, gentlemen.
09:05Sidney Purcell.
09:05Hi, Jonah Ryan.
09:06Oh, Jonah.
09:07Excellent.
09:08Dan, why don't you get these guys some coffee?
09:10Oh, no, you don't get me a coffee.
09:12Although, coffee actually does sound delicious.
09:15Yeah, funny thing that I think the machine's on the fritz.
09:19Is it?
09:20We had coffee earlier.
09:21Oh, there's no way it could be on the fritz.
09:23Just double check and see if it is.
09:25But if it's not, I think I'd take a soy cap.
09:28And Richard?
09:30Eggnog latte if it's in season.
09:31Is it?
09:32No, it isn't.
09:33OK, I'll have a skinny cap and a biscotti if you've got it.
09:36And I'll have a double espresso.
09:37I'll see you guys in a minute.
09:38Fantastic.
09:42Oh, Dan, that's good.
09:43So we are interested in finding the pesticide levers.
09:47Specifically, the levers that make pesticides happen.
09:49And Jonah here is the guy behind the guy.
09:52Isn't that right?
09:53Yeah, oh, I'm the wheel greaser.
09:55I'm the puppet master.
09:56I'm a man of many nicknames.
09:58Poon slayer.
10:00When I'm online.
10:02Video games.
10:03The vice president is leaving the ticket.
10:05Yep.
10:06Wait, what?
10:07The vice president is leaving the ticket?
10:10Yes, yes, he is.
10:11How am I hearing this at the same time as you?
10:15Well, the important thing is that we have a plan B.
10:17Right, Dan?
10:20Yes, I'm going to call my good friend Amy Brookheimer.
10:25She's the president's campaign manager.
10:26She and I are closer than two fat guys in an elevator.
10:28This is not a big deal.
10:29You know, we're building off that.
10:30I'm actually going to go ahead and give her a call, too.
10:32We used to date, so I know her inside and out.
10:35You know, I used to work for Ames.
10:36In fact, we call her Ames for short.
10:37Which, actually, it's long for Amy.
10:40OK.
10:40Let me know when you have her.
10:41Right.
10:43What did I do in a past life to deserve Karen?
10:46I think you must have given the go ahead for Pearl Harbor.
10:49Well, the problem with Karen is that she's
10:50the president's best friend.
10:52Best female friend.
10:53Let's be honest.
10:54OK, everybody, Chung should be here any second.
10:56All right.
10:56I just heard Chung should be here any second.
10:58We've got ourselves a meeting, am I right?
11:00You are right.
11:01Go get him.
11:02Go get him.
11:03Don't look desperate.
11:04Men don't like that.
11:08The first time I spoke here, they called it Chung Mania.
11:12I do remember that.
11:13Chung Mania.
11:14Of course.
11:14And I remember being so excited to have
11:16a mania named after me.
11:18Sure.
11:19I had Chung Mania Mania.
11:21I love it when you tell that story.
11:25It's so funny.
11:27Well, Danny, come January, I would
11:31be so pleased if you would serve alongside me
11:37as my vice president.
11:42You do me a great honor, Madam President.
11:47But I do need to consult my wife.
11:49Oh, of course.
11:49Oh, no, no, no.
11:50Yes.
11:51And my Bible.
11:52Although she is my Bible, so that's two Bibles.
11:54Will you take as many of the 15 minutes
11:57available as you need to make this decision?
12:01Sure.
12:02OK.
12:08Congressman Pierce.
12:09I hear you guys are looking for a new vice president.
12:11Yes, I got to be you.
12:12Oh, no.
12:13I just wanted to wish you guys good luck.
12:15Oh, that's nice.
12:16Fuck off.
12:17I'm busy.
12:19Vice President Doyle stepping off the ticket.
12:21Who made this decision?
12:23It was a joint decision made by the president, vice president,
12:28and the vice president's prostate doctor.
12:3430 years as a senator, and your asshole's getting
12:36more screen time than your face.
12:38I understand you've been feeling up Jonah Ryan.
12:40And by up, I mean all the way up.
12:42Congressman Furlong does not want to hear this.
12:44Oh, which means I absolutely, totally fucking do.
12:47Please go on.
12:48I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls
12:50like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.
12:53I wish someone would sexually assault my staff.
12:56By staff, I mean penis.
12:58Oh, you guys are serious.
13:00No, listen.
13:00I mean, which of us hasn't gotten all up
13:03in some guy's junk, you know, just for a laugh?
13:06I want you to use your dirty hands.
13:08Clean out your desk.
13:09You're fired.
13:11Sir, everything I have done, everything
13:14has been to serve you.
13:16And that goes double for fondling Jonah.
13:22If you've been watching this, this is a fascinating show.
13:25Tell us about the problem.
13:26I know that it's big, the problem and the prostate,
13:30which is not good.
13:32Sounds like you might die.
13:34Madam President.
13:35Here's my guy.
13:37Let's do this.
13:38Let's do this.
13:39You talked with both your bibles, did you?
13:41I have.
13:42And, um.
13:42Yes, come, come, come, come.
13:44I would love to serve you as vice president.
13:46Oh, my god.
13:46But I can't.
13:49Hm?
13:50I can't.
13:51Are you kidding?
13:52What?
13:53How could you possibly say no to this?
13:55Um, could you please stop?
13:56Could you please stop?
13:58Um, all I can say is it's, um, family issues.
14:03What, are you knocked up?
14:04What's the real reason?
14:06What is it?
14:07It's the way you operate, ma'am.
14:10You have a great way of operating.
14:11I absolutely do.
14:12It's terrific, really.
14:13Yeah.
14:14But it's not the way I like to operate.
14:16So I'm sorry, I just can't.
14:18I can see your upset.
14:20I can see you're upset.
14:21No, I'm not.
14:22I mean, I am upset.
14:22Why wouldn't I be upset?
14:24This is bullshit.
14:24I can assure you there is no one more upset than me.
14:27You don't look upset at all, Danny.
14:29That's just military training.
14:31I'm sorry, but I have to address the convention.
14:33No, wait.
14:33Wait a minute, wait, wait.
14:34Sorry, I didn't mean to pull that.
14:35But listen to me.
14:37What comes after V?
14:38President.
14:39President.
14:40Right.
14:41And you never know.
14:42Someday, somebody might just.
14:46I'm sorry again.
14:47Thank you for asking.
14:49I am honored and humbled.
14:50No, you're not.
14:54He said no.
14:54Oh, God.
14:56Actually, let me elaborate on that.
14:58The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.
15:01Okay, this is a curve ball we will need to address.
15:04I've got to announce someone.
15:06What am I supposed to do?
15:06I'm supposed to walk out on stage
15:08and then keep walking till I fall off the other side?
15:10My advice?
15:12Tom James.
15:14Everyone likes Tom James.
15:16I like Tom James.
15:17And I hate everyone.
15:19He has a disabled son, check.
15:21Wounded serving his country, check.
15:23Is the checklist complete?
15:24Yep.
15:25Nope.
15:26We both say nope.
15:27Hey, you know what?
15:28I got an idea.
15:29No, you don't.
15:30You just think you do.
15:30Go on, Gary.
15:31I think you've got something.
15:32Thank you, Karen.
15:33Why don't we ask Doyle back?
15:37He announced he's leaving.
15:38Okay, does anybody want a coffee?
15:41Maddox.
15:42That's right, Maddox.
15:43Minority.
15:44Military.
15:45Oh, that's your V.
15:46Everybody stop having ideas.
15:47You're kidding.
15:48I'm not kidding at all.
15:49Mike, get Maddox.
15:50Find his team.
15:51On it.
15:51I'm on it.
15:52Ma'am, update on the death row guy.
15:53Sue, forget him.
15:54He's irrelevant.
15:55He died.
15:56Oh, finally.
15:57Right?
15:58It's one less thing to worry about.
16:00Where are you?
16:00I need you to go to the convention floor, Todd.
16:03Get Maddox.
16:05Hey, Mike, I hear you guys are looking for a new V.
16:08It won't be you.
16:08Oh, no, no, no, God.
16:09I was just gonna suggest, oh, God.
16:11I was gonna suggest Danny Chung.
16:13He seems like the obvious choice.
16:15He's fit to run.
16:16He's so physically fit.
16:18Thank you so much for this warmest of welcomes.
16:22You know, it reminds me of the first time I was here.
16:26Chung mania.
16:30How will I ever live that down, huh?
16:37Well, of course you know why I asked
16:39to speak with you today, George.
16:41Well, I imagine it's not for my hamburger recipe.
16:46Is it good?
16:48I don't cook.
16:49That was a joke.
16:50Oh, right, sure, sure.
16:51Actually, I have very little sense of taste.
16:55Hence the tie.
16:58Okay, great, great.
17:00Well, I really wanted to know how you might feel
17:03about being my running mate.
17:07Great.
17:08I mean, my people told me I should joke around.
17:11Uh-huh, yeah.
17:12But I'm a fiercely ambitious man.
17:16And I know how to get things done.
17:17Not that you don't, though people say you don't.
17:22Okay, well, we're looking at all options.
17:27Ben is calling me, so I gotta hit,
17:29he just closed the door, so I'm gonna have to head out.
17:32But thank you so much.
17:33I appreciate your coming by.
17:35Yeah.
17:41Wait a minute, you're telling me
17:42that these are all the people
17:43that I vetted before I chose Doyle?
17:45There's so many of them.
17:46Yeah, you didn't like any of them.
17:47Well, that was then, and this is not then.
17:50Olsen pulled, okay.
17:51He's got a drinking problem.
17:52He's got a drinking problem.
17:53Yeah, shoe polish, and he never even shared.
17:55Well, we could go all female, ma'am.
17:58What? Leanne Harris.
18:00Are you trying to blow up the universe now?
18:02Who's gonna go for two women on the ticket?
18:05I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right?
18:08Tom James is a man.
18:10We need a Tom James-y type, you know?
18:13From the South.
18:15And Latino.
18:16Well, he's not Southern or Latino.
18:18Well, what about Culverson?
18:20He's 86.
18:21Yeah, that's why we 86ed him, right?
18:23The candidate needs to live up to and through the election.
18:26Tom James?
18:27God, why is it hard to find somebody for this job?
18:30I mean, it is such a great job.
18:32Such a great job.
18:34Yeah.
18:43Subscribe to a whistle-while-you-work philosophy.
18:47Whew!
18:50This is supposed to be dead.
18:51It shouldn't be in the center.
18:52There's absolutely no way we're gonna be able to-
18:55Ma'am, ma'am, I don't want to sound like a broken record,
18:57but Tom James, Tom James, Tom James.
19:00Okay, stop it!
19:02Just stop it!
19:04Why not?
19:05Amy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way,
19:07but you are being a little irritating.
19:11Well, maybe not a little bit.
19:12A lot a bit.
19:14Then who?
19:17Him?
19:19No, no, fuck no.
19:21Well, he's completely inept, right?
19:24But you can make inept work.
19:26True.
19:27You can say the same of a potato.
19:29Go get Pierce for me, okay, Ben?
19:31We should talk to him.
19:33My head hurts
19:36from all the wondrous possibilities.
19:39Karen, what do you think of Pierce?
19:41Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate,
19:44so we just need to weigh up the pros and cons.
19:46Have you been sent from the future to destroy me?
19:50Because it's working!
19:52I think that each candidate has merits and demerits,
19:55and I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek,
19:57but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks
19:59and then farting out my asshole mouth.
20:01Oh, not even bullshit.
20:04Bullshitting takes talent.
20:06You have none.
20:06You are just a blah, blah, blah, blah bitch.
20:09Okay, Amy, that is enough.
20:12I have bitten my tongue so long
20:16it looks like a dog's cushion,
20:18but no more.
20:20You have made it impossible to do this job.
20:26You have two settings, no decision and bad decision.
20:30I wouldn't let you run a bath
20:33without having the Coast Guard
20:35and the Fire Department standing by,
20:38but yet, here you are running America.
20:41You are the worst thing that has happened to this country
20:45since food and buckets and maybe slavery.
20:49I've had enough.
20:51I'm gone.
20:55Well, I guess she's finished with her little...
20:58Oh, nope.
20:59Look at that, there's more.
21:01You have achieved nothing,
21:04apart from one thing.
21:06The fact that you are a woman
21:08means we will have no more women presidents
21:11because we tried one and she fucking sucked.
21:16Goodbye, ma'am.
21:25Well, that was clearly about me.
21:28She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.
21:34Ma'am.
21:38I'm gonna want to talk to Tom James.
21:41Okay.
21:42Yeah.
21:45Karen.
21:46Yes.
21:47What do you think of Tom James?
21:50What do I think of him?
21:51I think there's a lot to think.
21:57Of course.
22:00That's 202-337-
22:02You don't have to do that.
22:03I don't have to do that.
22:04You don't have to do that.
22:05I don't have to do that.
22:06202-337-
22:07I know what Amy's number is.
22:09Just don't make me look too bad in this one, all right?
22:12Why would I make you look bad?
22:13You're the one that would make me look bad,
22:15but only after you're done making yourself look bad.
22:17To be honest, you guys,
22:18I think you're both tremendous, so.
22:20Holy shit.
22:23Amy's gone.
22:24Holy shit, that's insane.
22:25Well, I'm getting the same thing, guys.
22:28You know what?
22:28Maybe we're getting the same text message.
22:30Oh yeah, we are.
22:31Okay.
22:32I need a plan.
22:36Nothing?
22:37It sounded like you had the plan.
22:38Look, there's two of you.
22:39What, that means we immediately have a fucking plan?
22:41All right, all right, look, look, bottom line,
22:43we cannot let Mr. Zucchini, the human vegetable,
22:45find out about this.
22:46Why would we tell him that?
22:47I don't know, but look, just keep your mouth shut.
22:49Let me do all the talking, all right?
22:51Ian.
22:52Is Amy Bruckheimer out of the phone?
22:56Yeah, I'm gonna throw that over to Jonah.
22:58She was his contact.
22:59They dated for a while, so Jonah?
23:01Jonah?
23:03Thank you, Dan.
23:07Um, Amy's too busy right now at the convention.
23:12She's working at the convention.
23:14She's working.
23:15I heard she walked.
23:16Oh, I had-
23:18Which I am going to do now.
23:20No, no, Ian, listen to me.
23:22I have a little black book, okay?
23:23I have numbers the NSA doesn't even know about.
23:25Have you heard of Mike McClintock?
23:31Okay, you two, get out of my office.
23:33It was a pleasure, sir.
23:34No.
23:35Nope.
23:37No.
23:40Two or three speakers before he speaks,
23:42and that's, uh, we have about 20 minutes.
23:44Tom James, good to see you back.
23:46You miss me?
23:47I know I miss me.
23:48Hey, Mary, how come the world changes
23:51and you remain the same?
23:53Cal, I heard what you said about South Korea.
23:55I think you got the wrong Korea.
23:57Marnie, loving those papers on tort reform so hard,
24:01my wife starts to suspect something.
24:03Teresa, you killed it on front line.
24:06You had to put police tape around the desk
24:08after you were done.
24:09Hey, Natty, what a cool guy.
24:11You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes, right?
24:15Hey, what a great convention.
24:18Best one in four years.
24:20All right, he's on his way up.
24:21Oh my God, do you think this is the right decision?
24:23Maybe we should take a step back and just reassess.
24:26Are you serious?
24:26This guy's an all-American hero, like Evel Knievel.
24:29Yeah.
24:30You're better.
24:31Lovely Knovely.
24:32Come on, Mike, everyone has skeletons.
24:34Ask any bag man.
24:35Not this guy, no.
24:37He has one skeleton.
24:39You're looking at her.
24:40Oh my God, is that why you didn't want to choose him?
24:43Okay, ma'am, showtime.
24:44Okay.
24:51Room service.
24:52Oh, come on, Tom James.
24:56My knight in shining armor.
24:58My damsel in, madam president.
25:01You know Mike McClintock?
25:03Mike, how are you?
25:04Senator.
25:05And Kent Davidson.
25:06Senator, nice to meet you.
25:06I'm Karen.
25:07Gary.
25:08So, Kent, can we offer you something to drink?
25:10I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.
25:15Just a water will be fine.
25:16Absolutely, absolutely.
25:18Excuse me.
25:20I would like something to drink.
25:22Water?
25:23Bourbon, neat.
25:26You need to go straighten up my room.
25:28Hurry up.
25:30So, why don't we just head this way
25:33so we can have a little private gabbing time?
25:37Gabbing time.
25:38Gabbing time.
25:39Excuse me.
25:39That's all right.
25:40It's fine.
25:41Come.
25:42So, you're back in the game, huh?
25:45I certainly am.
25:46Wonderful, how are you feeling?
25:48Good, feels good.
25:50And what about your son, Ryan?
25:51How is he doing?
25:53He's on the mend, he's in a lot of pain.
25:56He inserted these pins in his hip
25:59and it's gonna be a long way.
26:01I don't wanna rush you,
26:03but I do need to ask you this, Tom.
26:08Would you join me on the ticket as my running mate?
26:17Madam President, I had a feeling
26:22that this was in the wind.
26:24Sure, okay, yeah.
26:27I'm afraid, with deep regret,
26:31that I'm going to have to accept.
26:37No, you didn't just do that to me!
26:39I...
26:40Oh, my God!
26:42Guys!
26:43Guys!
26:44Guys, look what I got!
26:45Look what I got!
26:47Sounds like good news!
26:48I got it!
26:49Welcome aboard!
26:49I got it!
26:51You are so bad.
26:52You are naughty.
26:53I just said, would you join me on the ticket
26:56as my running mate, right?
26:57And tell what you just did.
26:58Well, I said, Madam President, it is with deep regret.
27:02Ah, false expectation.
27:05Set her up.
27:06No, no, no, I said, it is with deep regret.
27:09I'm afraid I'm going to have to accept.
27:11Ah!
27:13I can't believe it!
27:14Nicely done.
27:16Very nicely done.
27:17Can you stand it?
27:19I love it!
27:20Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.
27:21What happened?
27:21Oh, my God!
27:22Listen to this.
27:23This is hilarious.
27:25I just said to Tom, you know,
27:27will you join me on the ticket as my running mate, right?
27:29Okay, so then tell what you just did.
27:32Again?
27:33Yeah, definitely, Tom.
27:34Please, please, please.
27:34Oh, it's hilarious.
27:35I can't wait.
27:36I said, Madam President, with deep regret.
27:39No, you didn't get it!
27:41You didn't get it!
27:42That's not even the best part.
27:44Listen, listen.
27:44Then I said, I'm afraid.
27:47I'm going to have to accept.
27:48I accepted.
27:52He accepted.
27:55Oh, it's tremendous.
27:57Welcome to the ticket, Joker.
28:01Yeah.
28:02Okay, you need to go get things going, right?
28:04Gosh, yes.
28:05It is with deep regret I must work.
28:08This is the best announcement
28:09since all those pandas got pregnant.
28:12I know what that means.
28:13Toast!
28:14Deep regret.
28:17Indeed, indeed.
28:19Yeah, well, we have to mark the moment, don't we?
28:22Right.
28:23I tell you what, let's scooch down here just a little bit.
28:26Yeah, there we go.
28:27Take it quick, quick, quick.
28:29Okay, all right, that's fine.
28:30That's enough.
28:31Okay.
28:33I should sit down with Amy Brookheimer,
28:34see where I fit into the plan.
28:36Yeah, I had to let her go.
28:38She went crazy.
28:40Yeah.
28:41So you don't have a campaign manager?
28:43Oh, no, no, no, we do.
28:44Yeah, that's all completely under control.
28:47Our campaign manager is, um,
28:50it can't.
28:52Roger that.
28:53Oh, that was a meeting that I wasn't at.
28:55That is correct.
28:57The press are excited about Tom Jane.
28:59I bet they are.
29:01But we have to tell them
29:02who our new campaign manager is ASAP.
29:04Okay, good.
29:06You can go do that then, that's great.
29:10Okay.
29:11Mm-hmm.
29:12I'd let her die.
29:14I'd let her die.
29:16No, thank you.
29:18Kent.
29:19Yes, ma'am.
29:20Do you have the New York Times?
29:22I can get it for you.
29:23Good.
29:24Definitely.
29:25So she asked me if I would sign her breast.
29:29I said, uh, how about I sign your arm?
29:33She said, well, that's no good.
29:34Who's gonna see that?
29:36What do you think about, you know, the group?
29:39I feel like there are some people
29:40who should be here and some who shouldn't.
29:42That's exactly how the president feels.
29:44Oh, good.
29:45Yeah, which is why she's asked me to let you go.
29:48Interesting.
29:49Yeah.
29:50Your champagne's been laced with polonium.
29:52I mean, not really.
29:53It just lightened up the moment a little bit,
29:55but she definitely wants you to go.
29:59So how are you feeling?
30:01I don't know what to think.
30:03Precisely.
30:04You can just use that, the door right there.
30:07Okay.
30:11All clear, ma'am.
30:15You don't have to risk your own life to save another
30:18like I did.
30:20You don't have to risk your own life to join the Hero Club.
30:24No, every single day, Americans do something that's heroic.
30:30They live in a democracy.
30:32That's real heroism.
30:33Hey, hey, hey.
30:35Oh, thank you.
30:38Did you guys like that kiss?
30:41You did?
30:42Well, you know, it's funny because we actually
30:45bumped teeth there.
30:46I guess you guys missed it, but you know,
30:48we have our whole lives to practice that.
30:51And we will.
30:53You leave this man alone, okay?
30:55Precious cargo right here.
30:58Well, he's my cheerleader.
30:59Yeah.
31:00I gotta get him bop-bombs.
31:03Thank you all so much again.
31:06America!
31:08Yes, thank you.
31:11Do you ever get tired of this?
31:13Really tired of it, yeah.
31:15Oh.