Veep Season 4 Episode 1 Joint Session
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00:00Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!
00:20Thank you for making history! We're the first woman presidents, right?
00:29Well, I am. You're not, Michael. I am.
00:32Ow! You're hurting my hand!
00:34Hi!
00:35Oh, I see you!
00:38Thank you. Well, I'm getting jiggy with it.
00:40I'm gonna get that Philip Roth book back to you. I haven't forgotten about it.
00:44God, I can't even hear myself!
00:47Am I talking? It's hard for me to hear me!
00:52Thank you, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President,
00:56members of Congress, my fellow Americans,
01:02I'd like to begin today
01:10by saying a few words.
01:19You know, some content would be nice in this speech.
01:22This is just noise-shaped air.
01:24I know. And she's reading it tomorrow out loud in front of an audience.
01:30Hi, boss.
01:31Are you still juicing?
01:32Yeah.
01:33Mike trying to be healthy.
01:35It's like a potato trying to whistle.
01:36Wendy and I made a deal. If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.
01:40What did you think of the draft from last night?
01:42Pota says the speech is too vague.
01:44I thought she wanted it vague.
01:46I guess we did too good a job.
01:48So, we still don't know what's going in her speech to the joint session.
01:50I mean, what do we do? Google it like a best man speech?
01:53It'll come together. It always has.
01:55With every president I've been comp director for.
01:57Mom, what do you say?
01:58This would be my second.
02:00And, actually, it didn't always come together with President Hughes.
02:03We had many failures.
02:05I guess I just got used to it.
02:07Great pep talk, ma'am.
02:11Ma'am, Ben is getting Amy's direct mail plans for you to approve.
02:14Then you meet the Attorney General, Reese Chicago,
02:16after you swear in Ann James' housing sec.
02:19Yeah.
02:20You have five priority calls in a holding pattern,
02:22which can happen between Moldova and skin cancer.
02:25Okay.
02:26And then you have a potential 15-minute break.
02:28All right, during which I can sleep
02:30and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth.
02:32Don't count on it, ma'am.
02:34U.S. warship on exercise has just collided with a Greek fishing boat.
02:37Two fatalities, ma'am.
02:39Oh.
02:40Yeah, we're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral.
02:42I'll arrange for you to make a statement, ma'am.
02:44Yeah, because I'm the presidency.
02:46Everything's my fault now.
02:48Hey, do I have time to talk to Jim and Dan and Mike?
02:50No, you don't.
02:51I want to.
02:52Then you can.
02:53Right.
02:54The opening's good.
02:55The stuff about Hughes and FLOTUS, Section A.
02:58There isn't an A.
02:59We're numbering the sections.
03:01We are?
03:02We are.
03:03We agreed on numbers, so Section A is now Section 1.
03:05Harvard education right there.
03:07Hey, who is that?
03:09Oh, I want to say Chloe?
03:12Ellie?
03:13Allie.
03:14No, it's Allie.
03:15There are a million young women around here,
03:17and they all look exactly the same to me.
03:19You big lady racist.
03:21Hey, guys.
03:22I had an idea.
03:25It smells like Puerto Rico in here.
03:27I'm juicing.
03:30Okay, so, how about this idea?
03:33How about if we take the cut section of the President Hughes draft,
03:37and we put it together with the spendy section of my family's first draft, right?
03:42Plus with the breastfeeding business.
03:44Yes, ma'am.
03:45That's files Mike 11A1 and Mike 11A11.
03:49That's for my reference.
03:50Okay.
03:51Ma'am?
03:52They still haven't found the three missing hikers.
03:54Kathy will keep you updated.
03:56Oh, thank you.
04:00Who is that?
04:01Hey, who is Kathy?
04:04I gotta go.
04:06All right, come on.
04:07That was the actual President of the United States?
04:10It never stops being cool.
04:11She calls me Mike.
04:13That is your name.
04:14Obviously, we're gonna need to talk about President Hughes.
04:18You know, thanks a million, take it easy.
04:20Let's just keep it short, though.
04:22And then, that's where we put in my vision for the future.
04:26Okay?
04:27For now, just put a marker that just says future whatever.
04:30It's just that I've got an intelligence briefing that I've gotta get to.
04:32Okay?
04:33Okay.
04:34You know what we should do is prioritize.
04:35Because there's like the cutty and the spendy.
04:38Oh.
04:40Suckers.
04:43Hey, ma'am.
04:44I can't go on this intelligence briefing with you.
04:46Right.
04:47Is there anything that you need?
04:48I got those Dutch eye drops you requested.
04:50No, I don't need you, Gary.
04:52Great, great.
04:53I just thought I'd ask.
04:54Here's your coffee.
04:55No.
04:56Okay.
04:57Yeah, um, ma'am.
04:59Have you given any thought to the Vice President being at these meetings?
05:03Oh.
05:05You know, I mean, I wouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as Veep.
05:11No.
05:12Unfortunately, the precedent has been set for this meeting.
05:15So, I wouldn't want to go change things up.
05:17No, it's this early stage.
05:18Exactly.
05:19Right.
05:25The President needs the bag.
05:26Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:28She only needs the bag.
05:29Okay.
05:30It's not that simple.
05:31Hey, hey, hey.
05:32Easy.
05:33You're holding it wrong.
05:34You're holding it wrong.
05:38Ladies be crying.
05:39Pimps be dying.
05:41It's Jonah Ryan.
05:42Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice.
05:45I was right.
05:46Hello, sir.
05:47Come with me.
05:49This is a man hang now.
05:51It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore.
05:55And that was just Dan.
05:58Hey, big guy.
05:59How's it hanging?
06:00Oh, you know, pretty good.
06:01Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon.
06:03Rock hard, covered in pussy juice.
06:06You like that?
06:07I got a ton of them.
06:08You can ask me again.
06:09Hey, how's it hanging?
06:10Like a fat meat fence post.
06:11Mr. Ryan?
06:12Oh, Mr. Vice President.
06:13Hello.
06:15Hello.
06:16Thank you for asking me to stop by.
06:17You know who won the war?
06:20I believe that we did.
06:21We did?
06:22No.
06:23Not the grunts in the front.
06:25It was the fellas behind the scenes.
06:28The intel gatherers.
06:30The code crackers.
06:32I need you to be my West Wing wiretap.
06:36I need you to spy for me.
06:37Yes, sir.
06:39Selena freezing you out, old-timer?
06:41Oh, absolutely.
06:42The cycle of abuse continues.
06:44Like the Catholic Church.
06:46Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.
06:48Oh, boom.
06:49Lean down.
06:50High five.
06:51All right.
06:54That's it, Jonah.
06:56Yes, sir.
06:57Thank you, sir.
06:59Yeah, he's a good kid.
07:02Excuse me a second.
07:03So, you hate me, right?
07:06I'm sorry?
07:07No, no, I'm kidding.
07:08We're buds.
07:09But I'm the Vice President's Chief of Staff.
07:11You know, you came to see him directly.
07:13I didn't know you were coming, so...
07:15Oh, I'm sorry.
07:16I didn't mean to not...
07:18I didn't mean to step out of line.
07:20Oh, no.
07:21We're friends forever.
07:22All right.
07:23Okay, cool.
07:24Well, thanks.
07:25You're a good man, Jonah.
07:26We need guys like you.
07:27Because this game takes guts.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Yeah.
07:33And it takes balls.
07:35Whoa.
07:37You got him, buddy.
07:44Yeah, elevator's here.
07:46Yeah, the Vice President likes you.
07:49I like when he likes people.
07:51So, just text me before you come over.
07:54I'll always let you in.
07:58Okay.
07:59It was great talking to you.
08:03I don't want to be stuck with the Hughes plan.
08:06Some dead guy's plan.
08:08Well, he's not dead, ma'am.
08:09No, it's fun for me to say, though.
08:11What are the numbers here in the latest polling on Families First, huh?
08:15Raising kids out of poverty and helping working moms?
08:17Yeah.
08:18Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason.
08:20But they only ever vote with their phones,
08:22usually for other poor young moms who can't sing.
08:25All right.
08:26Well, thank you for these numbers, guys.
08:29You're welcome, Vice President.
08:30But, I mean, there has got to be a way to have the cuts and have the Families First bill.
08:36What about the military?
08:37Would they go for more cuts, you think?
08:39Yeah, we just got to do a cock thumb.
08:42What? What did you say? A cock thumb?
08:44Yeah.
08:45What is that? Tell me. Do not show me.
08:47Well, we propose a radical cut to the military, cutting off the cock.
08:51The Joint Chiefs, in turn, propose their own more reasonable cut, cutting off the thumb.
08:55Commonly known as negotiating.
08:58Okay.
08:59Okay, well, let's cock thumb.
09:02I really don't care for that term.
09:05Madam President?
09:06Yeah?
09:07The Prime Minister of India has sent you this.
09:09Why?
09:10I can't really work it out, but I'll put in a time for you to thank him.
09:14No, I don't want that.
09:16No duck?
09:17No.
09:18It's a dead duck.
09:21Madam President, there will be a way to do both of these things.
09:25Cuts and spending.
09:27No, you can absolutely do two contradictory things at once.
09:31For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home.
09:35And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.
09:38Ma'am, this job will never be easy.
09:40Ma'am, don't I know it. Oh, my God.
09:42I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. You know that feeling?
09:45Yeah.
09:46Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Inkley just so he could get two weeks in bed?
09:50Yeah, I'd buy that.
09:52All right, so we'll cock thumb the Joint Chiefs.
09:54What do you think they're going to offer?
09:56I don't know. Two, three billion?
09:58You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield.
10:00Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay.
10:02Get about ten bucks for that.
10:04Yeah, yeah.
10:05Lewis, Pennsylvania numbers.
10:07I need them up to date in two days to go, so work it out.
10:09I have the new figures on absentee ballots and early voting.
10:12Great. Take a chopper up and add it to the top of the pile on my desk.
10:15Mr. Cafferty wants to know our direct mail plans.
10:18The President needs to make a decision.
10:20Cuts or spending on the families building.
10:22Chicken and egg scenario.
10:23Yep, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.
10:27What's in the speech?
10:29Will the President cut the deficit or spend on families?
10:32Austerity or playgrounds?
10:34She's considering her options.
10:36Or she doesn't have a clue.
10:38We cannot afford to fall behind.
10:41We're neck and neck with Chung.
10:43And have you heard the Thornhill rumor?
10:45Of course I have, Amy.
10:47I'm the White House press secretary.
10:49But imagine I haven't.
10:52He might quit.
10:54Stop running against Lena for the nomination.
10:56And my assistant tells me via cue card that Erickson wants a meeting.
11:01Thornhill quitting is good.
11:03No, wait, you're...
11:05No, no, it's good.
11:07No. If he folds, Chung gets his votes.
11:10Candidate poker.
11:11Well, don't blame me for this, Amy.
11:13Don't shoot the messenger.
11:15I just gave you the message.
11:17You're being shot by the messenger.
11:19Well, it's still not good.
11:22There's still no content in this speech.
11:24It's like a diet souffle.
11:26I know, I know.
11:27Sue, does the president have any spare time this afternoon for an extra speechwriting meeting?
11:31Can mice levitate, Mike?
11:33Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouth eyes?
11:36No.
11:37Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions.
11:40Hey, if this bag was not returned to me in the condition I expected,
11:43there was a lot of loose lids.
11:45Do you know...
11:47A lot of changes, huh, buddy?
11:49A lot of changes, huh, buddy?
11:51Yeah.
11:53All right, so look, in terms of actual...
11:55I mean, most meetings I don't even have security clearance for a Navy steward to bring her drinks in.
11:59I barely see her.
12:01You can just use the FLOTUS window.
12:04Looks right down under the Oval Office.
12:06You can?
12:07Sure. A lot of anxious first ladies use it.
12:09Okay, that's ignored.
12:11But thank you for your concern.
12:12Mike, you can barely cope.
12:14How are you finding the new setup?
12:16I'm actually kind of famous now.
12:18Are you sure about that?
12:19Yeah.
12:20I got recognized on the street today.
12:22Guy had already met me and then forgotten he met me,
12:25and then recognized me from TV,
12:27and then remembered me again.
12:29That's a great story, Mike.
12:31Oh, hey.
12:32If any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here,
12:36you can just ask a West Wing vet, okay?
12:38Oh, how's the, uh...
12:39How's the new Veep's office?
12:41What?
12:42The new Veep's office.
12:44That's great.
12:46Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good.
12:48It's great.
12:50Me? Doyle?
12:52I mean, come on. I mean, Teddy.
12:54Of course, Teddy.
12:56So good over there, guys. So good.
13:00It's my pleasure to meet you, Mr. Erickson.
13:02Good.
13:05It's a nice room.
13:07For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary.
13:10It's discreet. There's no D.C. people here.
13:13I booked it using the name Laszlo Whittaker.
13:16Was Vladimir draw attention to myself already taken?
13:20A coffee?
13:21Skinny latte.
13:22Americano, triple shot.
13:24How about any sides? Maybe a sandwich?
13:27I took a protein bar. I'm allergic to macadamia nuts.
13:29Got it. No deadly macadamias for Mr. Erickson.
13:32Almond croissant, sparkling water.
13:34I'll take a water, too.
13:35Oh, you know what?
13:36I'm just going to grab a pen and paper.
13:37Let me write this down.
13:39Or I will remember it using my brain.
13:42I've got a pretty good one.
13:43Illinois Institute of Technology.
13:46I'll cut right to the chase.
13:47Good, because that last minute was a very long minute.
13:50Is Joe...
13:51Joe Thornhill quitting?
13:52Nice question. I was just asking it.
13:55Joe's not quitting, but the rumor's half right.
13:57I've just quit as his campaign manager.
14:00Why would you do that? The fuck for it?
14:02Joelton Joe has hit the top of his bounds.
14:04Does he realize that or is he going to find out on ESPN?
14:08No. He's very, very stupid.
14:10I thought he'd be an interesting challenge, but he's a boring chore.
14:14Your job is very interesting.
14:16Well...
14:17Challenging. Very exciting job.
14:20My job? Yes, it is.
14:23The job I have is a very good job.
14:30Gary.
14:32Hey, Sue. How's it going?
14:33I was just in here.
14:34I get it, Gary.
14:35You look pretty.
14:36You don't need to pretend.
14:37All I need to know is, has the black binder from her desk been moved?
14:41The black binder?
14:42Yeah, yeah, yeah. It has.
14:44Okay.
14:45Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle,
14:47and she still just radiates.
14:50Okay.
14:52Do you think Selena will win?
14:53Tough fight, but she can win.
14:55You said she can win. I asked if she will win.
14:58I'm sorry. Was that sparkling or still water?
15:00And what kind of croissant?
15:02I definitely remember the rest.
15:04Okay.
15:05I'm leaving this hotel room.
15:07Goodbye, Amy. Goodbye, Leslo.
15:12He just quit being Thornhill's campaign manager.
15:15Wonder what he'll do next.
15:16He's the best campaign manager in America.
15:18One of them.
15:19He could have any job he wants.
15:20Yeah.
15:21He could have your job.
15:23You know, I'm saying all this out loud, and I probably shouldn't be.
15:26Thanks, ma'am.
15:27Would you like me to take away the signed letters and the black binder?
15:30How did you know I signed this?
15:32Oh, I have a sixth sense.
15:34And a seventh for when I need it.
15:36Gary?
15:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:38Do you have my hand cream?
15:39Oh, yeah. I got the new formula from La Prairie.
15:42No, no. Just give me the whole tube,
15:43because you can't come into this next meeting either.
15:46And I'm totally fine with that.
15:48Well.
15:49Well, Joint Chiefs are on their way.
15:51We should hear their big clanking balls any second,
15:54and then all the paintings will fall off the walls.
15:57Oh. Hey, Gar?
15:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:59What is the coffee that the Navy stewards use?
16:02Oh, I can only imagine.
16:04It's heaven.
16:05Oh.
16:06It's like Colombian tongue sex.
16:08Wow.
16:09Why don't we ever use that coffee?
16:10I don't know, but you love our old coffee.
16:12Nah.
16:13No.
16:15Reservoir dogs, huh?
16:18Excuse me?
16:19I've never actually seen it, but as I understand,
16:21there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.
16:24What do you think they're going to offer us?
16:26Uh, two billion dollars, three tops.
16:28Uh-huh.
16:29So, you ready for these buzz cut bozos?
16:32What are you talking about?
16:33I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men.
16:37I.E., men.
16:39Well, that's what we do best.
16:40That and farting during First Communions.
16:43It's funny.
16:44I don't really think of you as a man.
16:46Oh. Okay.
16:48Oh, here they are.
16:49Ma'am, Joint Chiefs of Staff.
16:51Gentlemen.
16:52Madam President.
16:53Please come in, take a seat.
16:55I understand you're on the war path.
16:58I get that.
16:59I think it's your favorite path.
17:07Vampires!
17:08Stop!
17:09If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now.
17:12That's a life lesson, courtesy Joby One Kenobi.
17:15It's not cool, man.
17:17What are you even doing?
17:18I'm keeping an eye on the President.
17:21Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable at the book depository next door?
17:24Can you just leave, please?
17:25It was a joke.
17:27Hey, do you know Teddy Sykes over in the VP's office?
17:30Teddy? Yeah.
17:31He's a great guy.
17:32He is?
17:33He's really, really hands-on.
17:35Oh.
17:37Okay.
17:38Why do you want to know about Teddy?
17:40He played this joke, and I mean, it was really funny.
17:43But I don't know, it was just, it was a little weird, and...
17:47What's the President doing?
17:48It looks like she's having a meeting with the Joint Chiefs.
17:51I don't think it's scheduled.
17:53We know you need cuts, but a further $25,000 reduction in active military troops is unthinkable.
17:59Yeah, but here I am, I'm thinking it.
18:01The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
18:04Kent majored in fortune cookies.
18:10Oh, my God! Are you okay?
18:12You look okay.
18:14Your predecessor said that a force of $420,000 would be more than adequate.
18:21Yeah, that's horse hockey.
18:22Forgive me, forgive me, ma'am.
18:24No, no, no forgiveness needed.
18:26I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit.
18:29Okay, well, let's see.
18:31We're stuck.
18:32We'd like to propose an alternative cut.
18:35Oh, okay.
18:36An alternative cut.
18:37That sounds interesting, doesn't it, Ben?
18:39Very interesting.
18:40Very interesting.
18:41The N620 submarine lacks a mission.
18:43It was designed for an outdated Cold War scenario that's gone the way of the fax machine and the VCR.
18:49Okay, so what does that mean in terms of numbers ballpark-wise?
18:53I mean, if we were to scrap this program, you suggest?
18:56$50 billion.
18:59I'm sorry, could you say that again?
19:01$50 billion.
19:03Five.
19:04Zero.
19:05Followed by a bunch of zeros.
19:07Nine.
19:09Yes.
19:10All right, well, you know, I think, well, you know, this gives us something to think about.
19:16This is page three, I think it is.
19:18Yeah, well, I think we might have different numbers.
19:22I think Lassie's trying to tell us something.
19:25POTUS, there's a Joint Chiefs meeting happening now.
19:28Oh, shit.
19:29God damn it.
19:30I told you, Teddy.
19:31Sir, can I sit down?
19:32I think I split my diaphragm.
19:33I need you to run.
19:40Okay.
19:42$50 billion.
19:44That was masterly, ma'am.
19:46Oh, my God.
19:47Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive.
19:49That wasn't a cock thumb, that was a cock cock.
19:52Yeah, I nearly puked.
19:54How big is $50 billion?
19:56Get it in here in $5 bills and I'm going to climb it and see if I get frostbite.
20:04Oh, Andrew.
20:07Oh, Andrew.
20:10Heard there was a meeting.
20:11Yes.
20:12It was just a little lighthouse cleaning, dusting, really.
20:15I ran all the way here.
20:16Well, you know what?
20:17You're in phenomenal shape for a man of your age.
20:20It's just extraordinary.
20:21Are you thirsty?
20:22Do you want something to drink?
20:23No, I have a lot to do.
20:27Okay, bye-bye.
20:28Oh, wait, Andrew.
20:29Would you close the door behind you?
20:31Thanks.
20:33It's been nice to see you.
20:37We bet on American workers.
20:40We bet on American ingenuity.
20:42Guys, this writing is absolutely fantastic.
20:46It's 50 shades of great.
20:49Really.
20:50Thank you, Madam President.
20:51All a day's work that also took all night.
20:54How do I look?
20:55Beautiful, beautiful.
20:57Actually, let me take these glasses out.
20:59It looks like you have a penis.
21:01What?
21:02Which you can totally pull off if you had to.
21:05Gotta go.
21:06Good luck, Madam President.
21:07Bye.
21:08Well done, guys.
21:09I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
21:14The shit is gonna hit the fuck?
21:15No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck.
21:17Why would shit hit fuck?
21:18Shit doesn't hit fuck.
21:19I've read the speech.
21:21So, my friends here.
21:22Oh, sorry, guys.
21:24This is the military-industrial complex.
21:26Military-industrial complex.
21:28These are the president's flying monkeys.
21:31Is this about the submarine jobs?
21:32Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen.
21:34Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger?
21:37It's Congressman Furlong to you, Gray Elvis.
21:40And, yes, this is about specifically 1,900 submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo.
21:47The N620s are for a threat that doesn't exist.
21:50We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.
21:52And they cost $50 billion.
21:54$50 billion.
21:55And I'm gonna say dollars again.
21:57Dollars.
21:58You think the whole sub is made in one place?
22:01Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state.
22:05And then this little round fucking window comes from another place.
22:08All right?
22:09And the fuel rods are from cheesedick Wisconsin.
22:12We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere.
22:15So, take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you.
22:21Hey, Dabby, the house elf.
22:23We've had enough.
22:24Just get out.
22:25Okay.
22:26I'm gonna say bye-bye to the family's first bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death grip you to fuck.
22:32Live long and fuck off.
22:35Speech is already in the teleprompter.
22:37She's on her way down.
22:38I'm gonna have a fucking heart attack.
22:40Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike?
22:43I'm gonna go talk to the president.
22:46Hey, Mr. Speaker.
22:48Thrilled for you, ma'am.
22:49Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim.
22:51Absolutely thrilled, really.
22:53Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm.
22:54Couldn't be more thrilled.
22:55That is sarcasm.
22:56No, it's not.
22:57It is, I see it.
22:58Yeah.
22:59Ma'am.
23:00Oh, hi, Ben.
23:01What's with that deputy dog face you got going?
23:04Well, there's a lot of districts that won't support the submarine cuts.
23:08So, if you go ahead, they're gonna kill...
23:10They're gonna kill my family's first bill.
23:12That's the longest shit of it.
23:14Okay.
23:15We're gonna have to find the money somewhere else, okay?
23:17Just in high school, in ninth grade or something.
23:20Just take the submarine cuts out of this speech.
23:23Okay.
23:24Change it.
23:25Hurry up.
23:26Mr. Speaker!
23:27The President of the United States!
23:35She's on stage.
23:36Okay, okay, okay.
23:37One of us needs to write some new text,
23:39and I really need to stop shallow breathing.
23:41Voters have spoken.
23:42We cut the cuts.
23:43Okay, Sue, we need to go to that section of the speech.
23:46I don't think I can edit that section
23:47and still have someone see the top of the speech.
23:49Let me see what happens if I...
23:51That's what happens.
23:52We're the first woman president, right?
23:55Well, I am. You're not, Michael.
23:57I'm listening to you,
23:58but I'm shaking somebody else's hand.
24:01This is the strangest feeling.
24:03Oh, it's you!
24:04That is you, right?
24:05It's him.
24:06Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:09Hurry up.
24:10How come you type with only two fingers?
24:12You're not a sloth.
24:13No, wait.
24:14She's got the hard copy, right?
24:16I mean, that's her backup shoot right there.
24:17Great.
24:18She reads that while we edit this.
24:19Okay, okay.
24:21I have her glasses.
24:23What?
24:24I've got her glasses.
24:25You should not have those.
24:27Why have you blinded the president, Gary?
24:29They were ruining the line of her dress,
24:31and I didn't want to...
24:32No one hates me more than I hate myself, please.
24:34You're wrong there.
24:35You run into the chamber,
24:36and you give her the glasses,
24:37and you keep running until you hit the ocean.
24:39Go, Gary. Chamber now.
24:40Too late. She's already at the podium.
24:42Okay, well, I've killed her. I've killed her.
24:43Okay? Yeah.
24:44Thank you, Mr. Speaker,
24:46Mr. Vice President,
24:48members of Congress,
24:50my fellow Americans.
24:53I'd like to begin today
25:02by saying a few words.
25:08I'd like to ask for some time to think
25:12about President Hughes
25:15and the former first lady.
25:18So let's take a moment to bow our heads
25:22and remember their contribution to this great nation.
25:26They're not dead.
25:39I've done it. I rule so hard.
25:42Don't stop. Give me the USB.
25:44Oh, shit. I always get it wrong.
25:46It's 50-50 chance I never get the right side up.
25:51God bless them.
25:53What people. What people.
25:56There are literally no words.
26:00Come on, come on. Hurry up.
26:02People want to know who I am,
26:05and I want to tell them so much.
26:11It is up, and the eagle has noticed.
26:16My entire career just flashed before my eyes.
26:19It's incredibly impressive.
26:21But its government was in safe hands.
26:24No, that's... that's the wrong phrase.
26:27Huh? What?
26:28I think I put this new stuff in mic one, one, A, one,
26:32not mic one, one, A, one, A.
26:34But that could be the other way around.
26:36This version still has placeholders in it,
26:38and it says future whatever.
26:40So today I don't just want to talk about the present.
26:44I want to talk about the future.
26:49Whatever we have in store
26:56cannot be known.
26:58But given time, it can be understood.
27:03The past was once the future.
27:06The future is, I should say, unknown.
27:09It is in fact unknowable.
27:11She's bebop speaking.
27:13So I'm asking you to meet me at the station
27:18and join me as we board a train
27:22bound for a place called the future.
27:26I detest jazz, but this is impressive.
27:29We will be ready for that future whatever.
27:37I'm almost crying.
27:39I didn't know I could still almost do that.
27:41But now, but now it's time to roll past the future,
27:46to move on and do so very, very quickly.
27:50When we think of what is to come,
27:52we think of our children.
27:54Superb. We're back on track.
27:56And the rest of the speech is okay?
27:58Yes, absolutely.
27:59Uh, uh, no.
28:01And when we think of our children...
28:04I think this version still has
28:06President Hughes' old spending plan in it.
28:09We will invest $60 billion
28:13in the new N620 submarine fleet.
28:18God damn it.
28:20That's a further $10 billion investment
28:26in this vital and modern defense system.
28:29Yeah!
28:34Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan.
28:36He's not fucking dead.
28:39Do you think she noticed?
28:41I think so, Mike.
28:43What the hell was I reading?
28:46You were supposed to take the submarine cuts out,
28:49not spend an extra $10 billion on them.
28:53Gary?
28:55Glasses?
29:00I mean, this speech
29:04was supposed to perfectly define my presidency.
29:10Okay.
29:12Now fix these.
29:14Whole cities of children
29:16were going to be saved from poverty.
29:19Instead, now,
29:21that money is going to fund
29:25obsolete metal giant dildos.
29:33Do you have any idea what...
29:40You need to be far away from me.
29:43Get out of my office.
29:52Okay.
29:54Ma'am, I know you need to be alone right now.
29:57It's just that these sign-offs...
30:00I'll just leave those.
30:02Yeah?
30:07Sorry, ma'am.
30:08You said not to interrupt,
30:09but we have a campaign meeting scheduled for right now.
30:12I know, Amy.
30:14I'm descheduling as I exit.
30:18Madam President, I know you kicked me out,
30:21but we just droned the wrong guy's truck in Yemen.
30:24Thank you, Ben.
30:25Great.
30:26Guess I'll write a report.
30:28Hey, ma'am, I got...
30:29Get out!
30:30Yeah.
30:36Madam President, sorry to interrupt.
30:38Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead.
30:41Could you please leave?
30:43Sorry, Madam President.
30:46Wait.
30:47What hikers?
30:51What hikers?