Veep Season 3 Episode 1 Some New Beginnings
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00:00I have some very big news, ma'am.
00:18POTUS isn't going to run again in two years.
00:20I'm gonna run.
00:23Together, we are going to make history.
00:25My brain is at your service, ma'am.
00:27We'll see.
00:28I'm gonna make it public.
00:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:30No, you can't wait for Potus to make a statement.
00:32Okay, okay, okay.
00:33West wing.
00:34Well, you were so kind to say so.
00:41I appreciate it.
00:42Yeah.
00:43Oh, thanks.
00:44Thanks for coming today.
00:45Nice to see you.
00:46Thank you so much.
00:47Come forward.
00:48Yep.
00:49Is this one a caucus goer?
00:50Could be.
00:51Is that a Star Wars reference?
00:53A new beginning?
00:54No.
00:55This is actually Some New Beginnings, our next American journey.
01:00Too late to change it?
01:01It is.
01:02Yeah.
01:03Hello.
01:04Oh, this one's caucus.
01:05Oh, that's too loud.
01:06Okay.
01:07Can't say it that loud.
01:08I think you're gonna dig it.
01:10Let's raise minimum wage.
01:11Blind people are people, too.
01:13A very enjoyable read.
01:15It's complex.
01:16I'm exhausted.
01:17Journey is endless, you know?
01:20Global issue.
01:22I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.
01:26God bless you, et cetera.
01:31It's really nice, Gary.
01:33Looks lovely.
01:34Looks great.
01:35I can't believe Selena chose not to be here.
01:37I told Sue to put wedding in her calendar in bold cap letters.
01:41I mean, we took type size to a limit.
01:44She could have been here, which she could have.
01:46She would have.
01:47But she is in Iowa for the book tour, fluffing caucus goers for the presidential run.
01:52I would hate to be that local Iowa guy that's got to take care of her.
01:54Trying to source gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for fags.
01:57Nice day for a Mike wedding.
01:59Oh!
02:00Oh!
02:01Man, you guys should all marry Wendy.
02:03I feel amazing.
02:05And you might even see me cry today, and for once, it's not about work.
02:08I'm a little nervous.
02:09Gary, I'm the one getting married.
02:11You just have to hand me the vows, okay?
02:13Okay.
02:14It's not the Olympic torch.
02:15I did the playlist, too.
02:16Oh, would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of Tesco's for you, Gary?
02:19Okay, easy.
02:20Did you see what everyone's gifting us?
02:22Some new beginnings.
02:24Our next American journey.
02:26Really well written.
02:27They think it's funny.
02:28Like me.
02:29Selena's never been away so long without us before.
02:30I guess this is what it's going to be like when our kids go to college, too, huh, sweetie?
02:34Yeah, dream the fuck on, Dan.
02:36You know, I'm only being nice to you because I know that Selena's going to make me the
02:39campaign manager.
02:40There is no campaign until the president tells the world he's not running again.
02:43Yeah, but when is that going to be?
02:44Christ, it's been two months already.
02:46Unless POTUS is chiseling his fucking statement out of marble, I don't get it.
02:50Dan, Dan, inside voices.
02:51Mike's marrying a reporter.
02:52They're everywhere.
02:53Yeah, everywhere.
02:54Okay, okay.
02:55Wow, look at you, Dan.
02:56You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber.
02:59Yes, please, come forward.
03:01Oh, wow, look at this.
03:03You've got an iPad.
03:04Could you sign it?
03:06Okay.
03:07I'm not sure Mitt will find...
03:09Sign the back.
03:10Oh, do you want me to sign...
03:12Well, just have a look here.
03:13It's...
03:14Wait, so all your books are signed by...
03:15Yeah.
03:16The vice president.
03:17Hi.
03:18Hi.
03:19Oh, what is this?
03:20Is this butter?
03:21In the shape of the great state of Iowa.
03:24Oh.
03:25If it melted, it would become Texas.
03:29This is an absolutely stunning butter sculpture.
03:36So let's tweet a picture of that.
03:38Lock that caucus gore down.
03:40Yeah.
03:41And then let's find a refrigerator and put that in.
03:43You know, butter doesn't need to be refrigerated.
03:45It can be unrefrigerated or refrigerated.
03:48That's not true.
03:49I think it's like a fruit that way.
03:51No?
03:52It's...
03:53Are you getting this?
03:54Rumor over rumor?
03:55Yeah, is this POTUS finally announcing that he's not going to run for re-election?
03:58Well, whatever it is, I'm hearing the West Wing is abuzz like a fly in a shithouse.
04:03Hi.
04:04Hey.
04:05Phone bowl.
04:06Phone.
04:07Come on, put it in.
04:08Oh, you know, I'm not even using it.
04:09You know, I want the camera so I can get some pictures of this magical day.
04:12So you put your phone in the phone bowl or I put it in the punch bowl.
04:15Isn't she funny?
04:16We crack up all the time.
04:17Even when we're having sex.
04:18Come on.
04:19You guys, I've been a reporter for 18 years.
04:21If anything breaks, I promise I will put it into the valves.
04:24Ahem.
04:25Mimi.
04:26Phone in the bowl.
04:27No.
04:28No, I can't.
04:29It'll be 40 minutes tops.
04:30No.
04:31Come on.
04:32What if you were marrying the man of your dreams?
04:35Okay, okay, I'm doing it.
04:37I'm just...
04:38Look at those white little wrinkles.
04:39Yeah.
04:41Eat him!
04:43It's like losing a limb.
04:44I can feel a phantom phone ringing right now.
04:47You look gorgeous.
04:50Is that lip shade coral blush?
04:52Yes.
04:53Wow.
04:54Nicely applied.
04:56I like him.
04:57Yeah.
04:58I want to keep him.
04:59Can I have him, please?
05:00Okay, just for the honeymoon.
05:01Oh, good.
05:02He does bring baby wipes everywhere.
05:03You never know if we're going to need them when we...
05:06Okay.
05:07Got it.
05:10Okay, so the rumor's something to do with sex-death Maddox.
05:12He's making an announcement.
05:13Something big.
05:14Well, thank God you packed a spare piece.
05:16Amy, a good campaign manager always has to think one phone ahead.
05:19Well, you're not a campaign manager yet.
05:21We'll see.
05:22And I'm very disappointed that you have kept a secret spare phone, Dan.
05:26Yes, and I likewise am disappointed that you have not, amateur.
05:31Hang on just one second, please.
05:34So, these rumors, right?
05:37I'm getting Maddox.
05:38What are you getting?
05:39I'm not getting a huge amount, if I'm being honest.
05:42Hey, Richard, no offense.
05:44Not taken.
05:45You're a catastrophe.
05:46Okay, so now you need to just call Mike.
05:49You've got to get to the bottom of this immediately, right now.
05:53Sorry.
05:58It's Vice President.
06:00Hey, ma'am.
06:01Oh, hang on, Mike.
06:02No disrespect meant.
06:03Oh, dear.
06:04It is the title.
06:05It is a little confusing.
06:06No, it isn't.
06:07Oh.
06:08It's Mike.
06:09Could you deal with this wonderfully honest woman?
06:11Sure will.
06:12Uh, Mike?
06:13Hello, ma'am.
06:14Listen, have you had a chance to talk to any of the press guys?
06:18Yes.
06:19It is a wonderful day today.
06:21Look, you maybe want to say hello to Wendy?
06:24Real quick?
06:25Oh, yeah.
06:26I'd love to speak to Wendy, very briefly.
06:28It's the Vice President of the United States.
06:31Hello.
06:32Hi, Wendy.
06:33Congratulations.
06:35Oh, thank you so much, Madam Vice President.
06:38You've met her?
06:39You can call her ma'am.
06:40Ma'am.
06:41Yeah, it's such a happy day for both of you.
06:43It happened so fast.
06:44Mike just makes me laugh.
06:46As a matter of fact, the first time we met, I was carrying this cheese danish and he came up with it.
06:51Then you got married, and I love that story.
06:55Sorry, I couldn't be there.
06:56Oh, it's no problem.
06:57You're in Iowa, and, you know, you have to suckle Iowa.
07:00If anybody knows, let me know.
07:01She's at a book signing.
07:02Book signing.
07:03How is your book signing going now?
07:04Oh, it's going spectacularly well.
07:06We've got a great team working here.
07:10Um, listen, is Mike still there?
07:12Um, Mike is not.
07:15Okay, bye-bye.
07:16Thanks.
07:17Suck.
07:18Hey, ma'am.
07:19Hey, let's get...
07:20Oh, here we go.
07:21Going back on the ball.
07:23Strong rumors today.
07:24There may be a major announcement coming from the defense department.
07:27Okay, Defense Secretary Maddox has slipped his leash.
07:30So far, refused to comment.
07:32Somebody get me actual intel from the Pentagon.
07:35I feel like I'm Joe Public here.
07:36I know nothing, and I don't like that feeling.
07:39Would you like to go to dinner with us later?
07:41Yeah.
07:42What's your favorite word?
07:44Next.
07:48Do you think I offended her?
07:50Can you write to Alice?
07:52Mm-hmm.
07:53This is to get you back.
07:56Uh, I think I need to decompress.
07:59Oh, yeah, absolutely.
08:00Just for a few seconds.
08:01Yes, absolutely.
08:02Understood.
08:03I'm Brenda, just watching you.
08:06And I'm going back to the hotel.
08:07Absolutely.
08:08What should I tell these people?
08:10Oh, Carrie just usually makes up an excuse.
08:12Okay.
08:13Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the vice president has to step out for a moment to take a phone call with a senator.
08:18He's having a big problem.
08:19Um, I...
08:21It's...
08:23Uh, I will be back very soon.
08:25Thank you so much.
08:26Okay?
08:31Oh.
08:35Oh, God.
08:40Love is patient.
08:41Love is kind.
08:43It is not jealous.
08:44It is not pompous.
08:48It is not inflated.
08:49It is not rude.
08:54It does not seek its own interests.
08:56It's...
08:58Uh, it's not quick-tempered.
08:59It's not brute over injury.
09:00It does not rejoice over wrongdoing.
09:03Love bears all things.
09:05Believes all things.
09:06Sends...
09:07Loves...
09:08Ends...
09:09Love never ends.
09:20Oh, God.
09:22I will love you more today than yesterday.
09:27But you are always all of my tomorrows.
09:34I am but a satellite caught in the gravity of your planet, Wendy.
09:40I was headed for the fall when you, Michael, gave me back my spring.
09:59My official statement...
10:01My official statement to the press reads thus.
10:13We are in love.
10:14Come celebrate.
10:15Stand aside, asshole.
10:16Ben?
10:17You see, you catch more flies with honey than with bad language.
10:18Hey, Ben.
10:19Ma'am, the chief of staff of the president.
10:20Yeah, go ahead.
10:21I'm sorry.
10:22I'm sorry.
10:23I'm sorry.
10:24I'm sorry.
10:25I'm sorry.
10:26I'm sorry.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:28I'm sorry.
10:29I'm sorry.
10:30I'm sorry.
10:31Let me see that fist of yours.
10:32Get out of the way, or I'll fucking inhale you.
10:34Good to see your friendly-ish..
10:35face-ish,
10:36who?
10:37Richard Splett?
10:38No, it's nothing.
10:39Listen, you need to get me some Advil, because I got some people in here.
10:45Okay?
10:46Consider it done.
10:47Yeah.
10:48Uh, do you have a purpose on water?
10:49Because I'm all about Feigi..
10:50Uh, your driver's open.
10:51Oh, wow.
10:52The elk suite.
10:54Yeah.
10:55What are you doing here?
10:58I'm on my way to Congressman Cowgill's funeral.
11:01Oh, right. Poor Rick Cowgill.
11:04God, he was a four-foot, eleven-inch stick of dynamite.
11:09A great man inside a small man.
11:12Stick one of those in Ricky's hand, he would have looked like an average-sized man.
11:18So where's the team?
11:19Oh, they're at Mike's wedding.
11:22I kind of miss them.
11:25Oh, it's just Gary. Press ignore.
11:29I now pronounce you husband and wife.
11:37All right! I am single, ladies!
11:40I don't want to do it!
11:44Phew, coming through. I got a jet here that can cut a fucking diamond.
11:48What the hell are you doing here? You weren't invited.
11:51Unless you're the worst man.
11:53Oh, no, I live down the street from Pam Kendall. Her car broke down, so I gave her a lift.
11:56Pentagon, Pam? Did she give you any hint on the Mannix announcement?
11:59No, she didn't give me anything. Except for flirty glances.
12:02What's that stubby thing you got there? Westwingman.net? I've never heard of this.
12:08Come on, man, you're embarrassing yourself. That's the hottest gossip site in D.C.
12:12Yeah? Lifting the lid on the interagency softball league?
12:16Face-to-face with America's wind tycoons. Wow, this is some seriously butterknife-dull shit, man.
12:22No, no, no. Underneath, that's great legit.
12:24So what's Westwingman got on the Mannix thing?
12:26Oh, nothing yet, but he will. If it ain't on Westwingman, it ain't no thing, man.
12:33It's you, isn't it?
12:36Who told you that?
12:38You just dated, dummy.
12:40Fuck! God!
12:42Keep that under your hat.
12:44Yeah, sure.
12:45That's just between you and me.
12:46Uh-huh.
12:47If you will excuse me, I'm at a wedding, and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop, and I am a sex wasp.
12:54Gonna wash those paws, huh, big guy?
12:56You kidding? My pheromones make bitches mum. I'm gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.
13:04Look at this. You pretending to be me, signing a book I didn't even write.
13:09Well, that's politics in a nutsack.
13:12Yeah.
13:13New beginnings, our next American journey.
13:16What do you think of that title?
13:18Well, it's so full of shit, there's a colon right smack dab in the middle.
13:22Oh, God. They kept coming up with all of these awful titles. You wouldn't even have believed it.
13:27Like, um, Footsteps to the Future was one.
13:31Um, Red, White, and You was actually another one, yes.
13:35Hands of Our Children was like a massacre or something.
13:38Fucking sick.
13:39I know.
13:40I was so busy listening to these stupid fucks, I didn't listen to this voice in my own head saying,
13:46This is dog shit. Selena, this is complete dog shit.
13:50No, don't step in it, don't, ah, you just stepped in it, and now look here, it's printed in a book, so that's good.
13:55Look, don't listen to those D.C. assholes, then. You're out amongst the real people now.
14:00These are the people that you love. This is your thing.
14:03You're right, it's true.
14:04So you want to be president of the United States?
14:06Well, I want to be president, it's just that I'm staring down the barrel for 18 months of this shit, you know?
14:1218 months, that's nothing.
14:1418 months is not nothing. 18 months is an entire pregnancy with another entire pregnancy tacked on to the end of it.
14:20Well, I'm a pretty good strategy guy. I could be your midwife, you know, get my hands dirty.
14:29Um, could we go sit in that chair over there?
14:32Oh, yeah.
14:34All right, well, listen, midwife me this then. Campaign manager, Dan or Amy?
14:40Look, forget about Amy, forget about Dan. Two words, Bill Erickson.
14:47No way, he's not available.
14:48He is available, all right? And he's going to be at Cowgirl's funeral, so let's go talk to him.
14:53Oh, my God, he's got the Midas playbook!
14:56Yes!
14:57He got Briggs elected!
14:58Twice!
14:59Twice, that's what I'm saying!
15:01You know, and you actually have a personality.
15:03That's right, I do.
15:04And you never grope waitresses, so...
15:06Right. All right, let's go!
15:07Let's go.
15:08Let's go meet and grieve. We'll meet Erickson and we'll grieve little Ricky.
15:11Yeah, God rest his tiny soul.
15:13I know.
15:14You know, I heard that that dog picked him up and shook him really bad.
15:20Ladies and gentlemen, sadly, the vice president will not be back to finish the signing.
15:26The senator, who I mentioned earlier, his problems have become even bigger.
15:34Come on, let's go, EOB peeps, let's go.
15:37It's my last wedding, come on.
15:39Whoa, Jonah, Eisenhower people only, go.
15:42Well, then what is Wendy doing in the photo, Mike? She doesn't work there, does she?
15:45Jonah, what's the point? You don't show Ben photographs.
15:47The sooner we do this, the sooner we get it done.
15:49Right, the sooner we do this, the sooner we get it done, okay?
15:52Yeah, yeah.
15:535D? I got a 1D.
15:57You keep a second phone there, hypocritical.
16:00Okay.
16:01And horny.
16:02One, two.
16:04Shit on my tits, Maddox just resigned.
16:06What, the sector's gone, really?
16:08Okay, okay, you can have your phones for five minutes, guys, five minutes.
16:11The Wi-Fi password is starboard, 135A, upper case.
16:14Where's the phone book?
16:15I don't know where the phone book is.
16:16Where's the phone book? I need my primary phone.
16:17Shut up, shut up, everybody.
16:20Wait.
16:21What's right here?
16:22Maddox running for president, is that what this is?
16:25Oh, I already have mine.
16:27Team Veep goes into meltdown
16:29as SecDef Maddox news breaks
16:31and upload the money shot.
16:33I hate how he learned English from pornography.
16:36Did you just post that?
16:37I run a gossiptainment site, and this is very gossip-taining.
16:48Sorry, guys, not gonna take any questions now.
16:50Secretary Maddox will be making a statement later today.
16:54This is not a crisis.
16:55Stop flapping your vestigial limbs around.
16:57The line on Maddox is one more old man
17:00has gone off to play chess in the park.
17:02And somebody find out who West Wing Man is,
17:05FYI, it may not be his real name.
17:09Looks like Maddox is making a move.
17:11We're gonna need Erickson now, am I right?
17:13Oh, yeah.
17:14Now more than ever, seriously.
17:16Dan, listen, we're gonna have to do something
17:18if Maddox is actually gonna run.
17:20Yes, ma'am, yes, I was voted most likely to do something
17:23now in my class yearbook.
17:24Just get on it.
17:25Running for what, ma'am?
17:27Yeah, listen, bumpkin,
17:29you blurt out anything to anyone about Maddox running
17:32or POTUS deciding not to run,
17:34the closest you'll get to a political career
17:36will be selling Knicks and masks at a Halloween shop, okay?
17:39POTUS isn't seeking reelection?
17:41Look, I said don't blurt it, you blurted.
17:43You blurted first.
17:44You blurted about running.
17:46You're running.
17:47No, I'm...
17:48What, Ben, can you not keep a cat in a bag for one fucking second?
17:52Now we're gonna have to kill him.
17:54Ma'am, if you need any help with your campaign,
17:56I am real good in a high-pressure situation.
17:59Really? In what sense good?
18:01Well, I was all over that book line thing.
18:03Yeah, I'll tell you what,
18:04get the driver to turn the air conditioning on, okay?
18:06Because I'm boiling up here.
18:08I can do that.
18:11How do I do that?
18:12Just open the door while moving,
18:14climb under the car like Indiana Jones,
18:16pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.
18:19All right, time to cut the cake, everybody!
18:23Watch out, my wife has a knife!
18:27The optimal size for each slice is about a half inch for everybody.
18:30All right.
18:31I got about a half an inch for you.
18:32You exaggerate.
18:33Okay.
18:34Here we go.
18:37Texting behind your back?
18:38Jesus, are you Hendricks texting?
18:40I'm just staying ahead, that's what a good campaign manager does.
18:43No, no, a good campaign manager ain't...
18:47Excuse me.
18:48I'm about to be brilliant.
18:53You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs.
18:55We'll have to crack you open.
18:56Hey, Hepatitis J.
18:58How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?
19:00It's a hashtag hurricane bitch tits.
19:02You don't think maybe we should take that down?
19:04You don't think you should go fist a chimp?
19:06Well, it's just that, you know, you showing us panicking
19:09makes it seem like the Maddox resignation is somehow significant to us.
19:12Mm-hmm.
19:13Why?
19:14Yeah, because he would be a big rival for Selena.
19:17Ooh.
19:19Who wants to run for president?
19:21Yeah, yeah.
19:22Mm-hmm.
19:23Because the president of the United States is not going to run again.
19:27So?
19:29So the president has not yet announced that he's not going to run again.
19:36Cool, that's no problem.
19:37I'll just take it down.
19:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:39Make sure that you do that before Google caches it,
19:41because if that happens, it's on there till the end of the world,
19:43which will also probably be your fault.
19:45What's Google's number?
19:47I don't know. Ask Jeeves.
19:48Do you know anybody at the NSA?
19:50Does anybody here know anybody at the NSA?
19:52Anybody?
19:54Oh, I see you here on this sad day.
19:58Okay, that's Isaac Denisov from change.org.
20:01She hates him.
20:02This boy, ma'am, you hate him?
20:03Oh, yeah, that's the first one you've got right today.
20:05He's a douche.
20:06All right, we've got to find Erickson.
20:08I'll know when I see him.
20:09I never forget a JPEG.
20:11Blake Stewart alert.
20:12Madam Vice President.
20:13Blake Stewart. Oh, my goodness.
20:16Blake won the nomination a decade ago and lost disastrously.
20:21He's going to throw Selena off her game.
20:24Why?
20:25Why? He's the bubonic fucking plague of this party.
20:28I see you're doing a book tour.
20:29I am, yes.
20:30Are you thinking of running?
20:31Oh, no, no, no, no.
20:34I'm just hawking books.
20:36You are going to deny that for six years, then you'll run anyway.
20:39What was it like, the campaign for you?
20:41Exciting. Then exhausting.
20:44Then I died.
20:46Joking.
20:48Kind of.
20:50Well, you're out of it now, so that's good.
20:53I used to think that I failed because of my team.
20:56I didn't have the right chief of staff, campaign manager, comms guys, my then wife.
21:01But, no, it was me.
21:03I just didn't have it.
21:05Well, very few of us do.
21:07Right. Like cowgill.
21:10Poor cowgill.
21:11I kind of wish it was me in that box.
21:15It's good speaking with you, Blake.
21:17Really?
21:18Oh, thanks. I don't hear that a lot.
21:21Oh.
21:24Uh, ma'am.
21:25Oh, yes.
21:26Prime Minister of Scotland is on the line right now.
21:30It sounds important.
21:32Oh, great.
21:33Probably important.
21:34Yes, would you excuse me just for a second?
21:36Hello?
21:37Well, you know what?
21:39We could consummate this marriage right here and no one would notice or give a shit.
21:44We could.
21:45Mm-hmm.
21:46Or...
21:47Or...
21:48We could check our phones.
21:50Gary?
21:54Madam Vice President.
21:56Yes?
21:57I was Rick's nephew.
21:59Are you kidding me? Oh, no.
22:01This is cowgill's nephew.
22:02Oh.
22:03If they tell her who they are, you don't have to say anything.
22:05Mr. Stewart, this is the poem we'd like you to read.
22:10I prepared some closing words, too.
22:14But I was gonna actually ask the Vice President if she would like to say something.
22:20No, it's fine. I'm a terrible speaker anyway.
22:24No, you're not.
22:25Yeah, that's how I lost 49 states.
22:27No.
22:28Well...
22:30Yeah, it is.
22:31Okay.
22:35Hey, what's going on, man? What's cracking? We got POTUS incoming?
22:39May I see your White House pass, Mr. Ryan?
22:41Uh, yes, sir.
22:42Absolutely.
22:44There you are.
22:47Leave.
22:49Uh, but I work here.
22:50Not anymore.
22:51Sir, I think I've temporarily lost your meaning.
22:54Dan, did you go running back to the White House?
22:56Uh, what can I say?
22:57Reception's a little bit spotty here at the center of the universe.
23:00Party is over, Mr. West Wing Man.
23:02There is a dead guy in the pool, and that dead guy is you.
23:05I'm gonna have to call you back. Something truly wonderful has happened.
23:08Okay, I think that there's been a misunderstanding here.
23:10No, no, no, hold on.
23:11One, you were running a news blog while working in office.
23:14It was gossiptainment.
23:15Two, you posted a photo which roused the suspicions of the press.
23:19It has been forwarded to every hack in D.C.
23:21Okay, well, that wasn't me. And I deleted it.
23:24Which made it even worse!
23:25The fact is that your post has made it impossible to sit on the POTUS secret any longer.
23:30So, as a direct result of your actions,
23:33the President of the United States is bringing forward the announcement to today
23:39that he is not running for re-election.
23:42Oh, my.
23:43We'll alert the network, sir. It's gonna be a live announcement.
23:45Don't interrupt any major sporting event, unless it's golf.
23:48And get him out of here, via his desk.
23:51Lord knows what you'll find in there.
23:52Okay, I'm sorry. I think that you might be overreacting to this just a little bit.
23:55No, Terrence, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna hit him?
23:57Sir, please, don't take this away from me, okay?
23:59The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice versa.
24:02Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on out...
24:04You're embarrassing yourself.
24:06Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.
24:08He really doesn't.
24:10See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan.
24:12Fuck you, Dan!
24:13That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.
24:14Sir, did POTUS okay this?
24:16Get him out of here!
24:19How did you survive, Blake? I mean, tell me you're okay.
24:22Are you kidding me?
24:23That bag of wristlets got the nomination?
24:26With that face and that personality?
24:28I mean, look at what I got to work with.
24:30Where's Erickson?
24:31I just heard that he bolted back to D.C. when the Maddox news came out.
24:34All right, fuck it.
24:36I don't need a team. I don't need a campaign manager.
24:39You think I got here just because I got $50 million in the bank of this amazing ass?
24:43Oh.
24:45All right, Cowgill was your congressman, so give me some facts about him.
24:49Go, now.
24:50Okay, yep. He was an amazing fisherman.
24:51Okay.
24:52And he collected beer labels.
24:54What are you gonna do with that?
24:55What? Is it...
24:57I'm going to read a poem by Rick's granddaughter, Maeve.
25:02It's...
25:06Well, you'll see.
25:10We love you, and we'll miss your face.
25:13Husband, father, granddad.
25:17You made the world a better place.
25:21And now you left it sad.
25:27It's okay.
25:51Good afternoon.
25:52Good afternoon.
25:54Well, I was...
25:56planning on keeping this brief.
25:58In fact, I was gonna say short, but, uh...
26:01I know how sensitive Rick was about his height.
26:07You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan?
26:09You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan.
26:13I'm leaving here with my head held high
26:15and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.
26:19That's a four-sash there.
26:22Any last words?
26:25Fuck you.
26:29Rick's life reflects America.
26:32He was an avid fisherman.
26:35And as a congressman,
26:38gosh, did he know how to cast upstream,
26:42to anticipate it.
26:44And when he got that first bite,
26:46whoa, did he reel it in.
26:50He was a nuanced politician
26:53with a mighty big collection of beer labels.
26:58I'll be back.
27:00I'm gonna be back as the fucking president.
27:03It's Jonah Ryan 2026.
27:06Uh, that's the midterms year, Jonah.
27:08Well, then I'll change it!
27:11I'm gonna miss you, Rick Calgill.
27:13Fisherman.
27:14Fisherman.
27:17Congressman.
27:19American.
27:28Well, I blew the fucking roof off of this church, didn't I?
27:31They love that beer label's anecdote.
27:33Why would anyone collect those?
27:35Yeah?
27:37Maddox canceled a statement
27:39because POTUS is going to make one.
27:42The big one.
27:43Are you saying what I think you're saying?
27:45I'm never ambiguous, ma'am.
27:46Not even sexually.
27:49I love politics.
27:50Oh, me too, ma'am.
27:52Ma'am?
27:53Yeah?
27:54Ask Dan.
27:55Oh, Dan.
27:56Hey, Dan.
27:57Ma'am.
27:58Uh, yes, the Maddox statement.
27:59Yeah, I know.
28:00POTUS is about to make a statement.
28:01Ben just told me.
28:02Oh.
28:03Well, did he tell you that it was because a lot of people
28:05saw a post that Jonah made that I forwarded?
28:07What?
28:08You did this?
28:09Well, you know, I don't want to toot my own horn,
28:12but, uh...
28:14Yes.
28:15Yes, I did.
28:16And just like that,
28:17Jonah is gone.
28:18Forever.
28:19Well, all my orgasms have come at once.
28:22That's fantastic.
28:23Yeah.
28:24Yeah.
28:25Now, listen, ma'am,
28:26I wanted to ask you, um...
28:28Yeah?
28:29Would you do me the honor
28:30of making me your campaign manager?
28:32Oh, I gotta go.
28:33Thank you, Dan.
28:37All right, Richard.
28:40Listen,
28:41I want to tell you...
28:42No.
28:43For...
28:44Thank you, ma'am.
28:45Until tomorrow.
28:47What?
28:48Tomorrow?
28:49Book tour, day six.
28:51Cedar Rapids.
28:52Here we come.
28:53Oh, Jesus Christ.
28:54I hate politics.
28:59Oh! Oh! Oh!
29:08Wait a minute.
29:09Wait a minute.
29:11Remember that Jonah guy?
29:12Jonah?
29:13Oh, the seven-foot mouth?
29:14Yeah.
29:15Look at this.
29:16What if I give the Wi-Fi password
29:17out to everybody
29:18on Pennsylvania Avenue?
29:19Oh, God.
29:20Are you kidding me?
29:22He's gone!
29:23This is the best day of my life!
29:26Oh!
29:27Oh!
29:28Oh!
29:29Hey!
29:30Come on!
29:31Ladies and gentlemen,
29:33Vice President Selena Meyer!
29:36Whoo!
29:37You should be here!
29:38Um, I wanted to say
29:39a few words
29:40and speak very frankly.
29:42I was gonna say baldly,
29:44but I know how sensitive
29:46Mike is about his hair.
29:51You know, we all know
29:52how much Mike loves his boat.
29:54And I'll tell you something.
29:56If he ever chose to fish,
29:58I know that he'd be able
30:00to cast upstream,
30:02to anticipate,
30:04and at that very first bite,
30:06reel it in.
30:08Because that's the kind of guy
30:09that Mike is.
30:10Aw.
30:11Oh, gosh.
30:12I'm gonna miss him,
30:13um,
30:15when he goes on his honeymoon.
30:17So here's to Mike and Wendy.
30:20Some new beginnings.
30:23Their next American journey.
30:26Yeah!