Veep Season 3 Episode 9 Crate

Veep
Veep
  • 2 days ago
Veep Season 3 Episode 9 Crate

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TV
Transcript
00:00Thank you so much, Victor in Iowa is just the start of the job.
00:20I've worked my whole life.
00:22Oh, please.
00:23Now it's time to make this country work.
00:25Let's take our shirts off and work up a sweat.
00:28Listen to this idiot.
00:29They're not even sound bites.
00:30They're just sounds.
00:31Yeah, but it works, though.
00:32That's the thing.
00:33I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
00:34Well, that's appropriate.
00:35It's the corn state.
00:36What are Thornhill's numbers now?
00:38And please downplay them so I don't cry.
00:40He's killing us.
00:42Please downplay them, I said.
00:44She is downplaying them, ma'am.
00:46People like someone who's normal, okay?
00:48Gritty.
00:49You know, folks who actually eat grits.
00:51I'm normal.
00:52I can be so folksy.
00:54You were doing the folksy thing with folks.
00:59Hello?
01:00We'll push it.
01:01We'll push it more.
01:02We'll push it.
01:03We've got four days left.
01:04Remember when we only had five days left?
01:05Those were good times.
01:06Great times.
01:07Okay, we're gonna get you out in the streets.
01:09Okay.
01:10You know, shopping malls, community centers.
01:11Right.
01:12Farmer's markets.
01:13Right.
01:14You should go to a ball game, ma'am.
01:15Throw out the first pitch.
01:16It's January, Mike.
01:18Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike.
01:21I'll look like Gary here.
01:23Mm-hmm.
01:24Um, what about local phone-in shows?
01:26Great idea.
01:27Talk to some real vote meat, you know?
01:28Yeah.
01:29Rub with a schlub, that kind of thing.
01:30Guys, guys, you gotta get out there.
01:32I'm the stump.
01:33That's a good point.
01:34I mean, nothing says regular American like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.
01:38Okay.
01:39Actually, I had a similar thought.
01:42Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.
01:45What are you, David Coppercock?
01:47If you like humor, man, yes.
01:51Uh, can I get a volunteer?
01:53Me, me, me, me, me, me.
01:54You?
01:55Come forward.
01:56Gary, would you please open the box?
01:58Ooh.
02:00Oh.
02:01What is it?
02:02Check it out.
02:03Oh.
02:04Oh, my God.
02:05Wow, it's a box inside of a box.
02:08Oh, Jesus.
02:09Oh.
02:10Oh, it's a crate.
02:13Wow.
02:14Like that?
02:15I love it.
02:16Are you okay?
02:17That really hurt.
02:18Can you move?
02:19Get up there.
02:20Take it for a test spin.
02:21Yes.
02:22Huh?
02:23See, it's folksy.
02:24That's right.
02:25It's traditional, and it's reinforced with titanium so you won't fall through.
02:28It's fantastic.
02:29You guys, this could be the key image for the campaign.
02:31Me on a crate.
02:32Yep.
02:33I love this.
02:34Ma'am, new donations.
02:35Mark Dugdale from Dugdale Recycling just pledged $30,000.
02:39Okay, so I'll make a call in to him.
02:41I gotta tell you something.
02:43I wanna get away from the politicos.
02:46I wanna talk to you, the regular Joes.
02:49Yeah.
02:50Right?
02:51Yeah.
02:52We also have $2,000 from a guy named Paul Duffy from the local dry cleaner.
02:55Okay.
02:56For $2,000, you don't get a call from me, okay?
02:58Just send him a button or something.
03:00See, the thing is, folks, is that this is a real America, and I wanna say God bless you guys.
03:05Oh, God.
03:06I could watch you do this all day.
03:08You know, they accuse you of not thinking outside the box, but I do think outside the box.
03:13You know what else I do?
03:14I stand on top of a box.
03:15Oh, okay, you can stop now.
03:18You might wanna save that voice.
03:20Yeah.
03:21Good luck with the street shouting.
03:22Okay.
03:23I gotta get back to D.C.
03:24POTUS is having a difficult time with FLOTUS.
03:28Oh, a suicide attempt.
03:30Yeah.
03:31I don't blame her.
03:32Imagine being married to that guy.
03:34I wanna put up with that shit for a second.
03:36No.
03:37This looks good.
03:38It does, right?
03:39Do you wanna stay?
03:40No, I like standing up here and looking down at everybody.
03:46Towns like this are what I call the real towns of America, the real America.
03:52Not like the ivory towers of Washington, folks.
03:56That's not my world at all.
03:58I wanna hear what you see, and I wanna see what you feel.
04:06You know what, guys?
04:08My job is to communicate with you, the people.
04:12Because if I don't communicate, guys, I communi-can't.
04:21By the way, I gotta say, you're doing a great job.
04:23Seriously, you do me better than I do me.
04:26You do yourself a lot.
04:31Joe Thornhill sends his regards.
04:33Whoa.
04:34Okay.
04:35Uh, we'll send them back.
04:37Of course, not his.
04:38Uh, mine.
04:40What are you having?
04:41Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon sausage, fried eggs.
04:45You're having a fried egg with your scrambled eggs?
04:47Oh yeah, it's the egg methy.
04:49It's delicious, you gotta try it.
04:50It's like a chicken came in your mouth.
04:53Okay.
04:58I think eggs are my favorite breakfast.
04:59So how's the medic camp?
05:01It's chaos over there.
05:02People can smell the stench of death, and they're running for the lifeboats.
05:05Really?
05:06Women and tall, talented men first.
05:08You got any offers coming in?
05:11The, uh, Chung camp has expressed some interest.
05:13Interest? No, they're not.
05:16Sorry?
05:17I just spoke with Chris Ellis 15 minutes ago, there's no offer going in to you.
05:21But I'm inspecting one, because my skills are really good.
05:24You've got no skills.
05:25Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure, but you?
05:28If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.
05:31Well, those votes can be very useful to someone.
05:34No, we're way ahead on the living dead.
05:36We didn't need your uncle, or you.
05:38Okay, well, it's not just me, I have an entourage.
05:44You can bring seniors death?
05:46Absolutely.
05:47Like who?
05:51He's not gonna know.
05:53Boom, Isabella Herrera.
05:56Boom, Liz Grant.
05:58Okay.
05:59Ace up the sleeve, booyah, Ally Craig.
06:04Well, that's very interesting.
06:06So we gonna stop dancing, you gonna make me an offer?
06:08Here's my offer.
06:09Take your crazy eggs, stick them up your ass.
06:12Meanwhile, I can now confidently spread the story that Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.
06:17Have a nice day.
06:18Oh, let me pick this up, I still have a job.
06:27Oh my god, it's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan.
06:30Just try to make it look like a regular Craig, Gary, not Thor's hammer.
06:34I like that T-shirt.
06:36Ma'am, Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe is here to speak with you.
06:40Oh god, that Dickensian shit stack?
06:43Yeah, well that shit stack can swing the entire New Hampshire Globe.
06:46That's why they call him the endorser, so Mr. Carter.
06:50Ma'am, a pleasure.
06:52I see you brought your soon to be famous crate.
06:55See our online diary piece for details.
06:58Crate, expectation.
06:59Oh, I love it.
07:01Gary, bring the crate over here.
07:03Okay, yeah.
07:04So what's the piece going to say?
07:06Oh, that it's been reinforced with titanium.
07:08Yes, it has.
07:09And that it cost $1,200 to make.
07:12What?
07:13No, it didn't.
07:15You'd have to be out of your mind to spend that kind of money for a crate.
07:18According to the manufacturer.
07:20No, we don't want that.
07:24Go get Mike.
07:26The thing is, Mr. Carter, you don't want to put your foot through a crate.
07:32She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
07:37That's mean.
07:39All right, I've got to get going.
07:41I've got to go make noises out of my face hole or whatever it is I do.
07:45You know, Quincy's retiring.
07:47The Globe's going to need somebody who's willing to be sucked up to and who likes to eat a lot of lunches.
07:53You think you're mad enough for that?
07:55Leave Selena?
07:56That's not possible.
07:57Is it?
07:59You would see a lot more of me.
08:01Oh, no, that's not good.
08:04I could go look at houses.
08:06Hey, Wendy, hey, Mike, I know it seems weird, but you're actually needed.
08:09Actually, I want to finish my muffin, and then I'll go get...
08:12Look, are you... I'm helping you out. Let's go. Come on. No, let's go. Come on.
08:15That's kind of mean.
08:16That's very rude.
08:17Oh, I so wish we could talk longer, but I'm afraid, yes, we've got this...
08:21Quincy!
08:22Michael!
08:24Thank you for the recipe.
08:26Did you have a nice vacation?
08:28The Globe is doing a piece on the crate.
08:30Oh, yeah, like it costs a million dollars or something crazy.
08:33No, no, no, no, no, there's no story there, Quincy.
08:35Right, that's what I was saying to him. Yes, exactly.
08:38I'll take care of this.
08:39Okay, great, great.
08:41What?
08:42Oh, my God, I cannot stand that affected butt plug.
08:46If I could lift the fucking crate, I'd beat him to death with it.
08:49Okay, we will get rid of him.
08:50Good news, Quincy's agreed to do a more substantial in-depth interview.
08:53We'll schedule it for tomorrow.
08:55That would be the other option.
08:56Splendid.
08:57Yes.
08:58On our way to lunch, wine and branzini wait for no man.
09:01Oh, my goodness.
09:02Until we meet again.
09:03Okay, bon appétit.
09:04Merci.
09:05You fucking douche.
09:06He is a character, though.
09:07I hate those.
09:09Hate.
09:11All right, so, where is Ken?
09:13I think he's still with FLOTUS.
09:15Oh, God, I hope he doesn't give her a crate to stand on.
09:17Otherwise, she's gonna hang herself from the nearest light fixture.
09:21All right, call me.
09:23Anytime.
09:28Honey, honey, come help Mom sort her pills.
09:32You used to love that.
09:34I screwed up, Mom.
09:35I should have never joined Maddox, and now he's finished and I've come home to die.
09:40Well, can your D.C. friends help?
09:43I don't have any friends in D.C., Mom.
09:45They all call me a dick behind my back.
09:47But, like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
09:51Like you always said, honey, haters gonna hate.
09:54Right, exactly.
09:56You know, one day they'll wish they had listened to me.
09:59God, I wish I had a dirty bomb.
10:02Mom, do you think that you could talk to Uncle Jeff for me?
10:05I want a job in my own merits, and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.
10:08You know, we're not on good terms.
10:10Well, you don't have to fuck him, Mom.
10:11You just have to call him.
10:13Don't give me that look.
10:14All right.
10:15It's how D.C. people talk.
10:16I know.
10:17If you want to walk the walk, you have to talk that talk.
10:19Okay.
10:21It's not a radical sense on immigration at all.
10:24It's really more of a practical sense.
10:26Ma'am, that is going to fly with our readers.
10:28Oh, good.
10:29And finally, ma'am, might I ask you the QQQ?
10:33Quincy's Quirky Questions?
10:35Yes.
10:36I ask the same questions to everyone I interview.
10:38A little speciality.
10:40Ah, magnifique.
10:42What person, living or dead, do you most despise?
10:47I really try not to hate anybody.
10:49Because I think it's a negative use of energy to hate another human being.
10:55Ah.
10:56Most people say Hitler.
10:59Um, well, yeah, certainly.
11:01I mean, I'm not a fan of Hitler.
11:04So, change it to Hitler?
11:06Okay, Hitler.
11:08What would you alter about your personality?
11:12Hmm.
11:14I guess I would say that I can be a little bit impatient.
11:18Oh, God, yes, you can be.
11:22So, I guess I would, I should change that.
11:25Neil Diamond gave the same answer.
11:27Oh, what fun. I love him.
11:29Sweet Caroline is so good and Crackling Rosie.
11:32Why does God allow suffering?
11:35Um, well, I wouldn't ever presume to know the mind of God.
11:41Siri, why does God allow suffering?
11:44That said, I think that suffering can engender a kind of resilience.
11:50Although that doesn't really explain childhood cancers and...
11:54Childhood cancers. Excellent answer.
11:58Shall we halt there? I have a recital to attend.
12:01Well, I don't want to keep you from that.
12:03Oh, well.
12:06Always a pleasure. Never a chore.
12:08Yes, there you go. I love the French talking. It's wonderful.
12:11Thank you so much.
12:14Oh, my God. He has his head.
12:17So, up his ass, he can wave out of his mouth.
12:20I mean, honestly.
12:22Ma'am, we have a donation offer from Olivery Systems for $40,000.
12:26Four grand? It's not even worth cashing the check.
12:30I'll have the guys call back. It is a gummy.
12:32Gummy? What's that?
12:34G-U-M-M-I. Give us more money, idiot.
12:37Who changed the code? What happened to Ahada?
12:40How about digging deeper, assholes?
12:42I always call them dicks.
12:44Doesn't stand for anything.
12:51What do I do? What do I do?
12:57There. It's not recording anymore.
12:59Delete it. He knows too much. Delete it.
13:01You can't delete it, because if you do, then he'll know we did it,
13:04and he'll think we said some terrible things, which we did.
13:07Who cares? Let's just throw it in the toilet.
13:09And say what, Mike?
13:10That we dropped it in the toilet.
13:12Guys, guys, guys, you better decide quickly.
13:14Ah, too late. Went to sleep mode.
13:16Uh, Quincy's heading back up. He forgot his phone.
13:18Oh. Uh, Gary, g-g-g-go stall him.
13:21Yeah. No!
13:22Yeah, yeah. You need to stall it.
13:24It's password protected.
13:26Fuck.
13:27Hang on. Hang on. 0-0-0-1. 0-0-0-2.
13:32You cannot be serious.
13:37Mr. Carter.
13:39Hi.
13:40Gary Walsh.
13:41I just wanted to say I'm a big fan.
13:44Oh, thank you.
13:45You are from the South. I hear it in your voice.
13:48I am. Alabama.
13:50I just need to retrieve my cell phone.
13:52You can't go in there at the moment. I'm sorry.
13:54Why not?
13:55I don't know.
13:56Matters of state?
13:58I don't know.
13:59I see.
14:01So where exactly in Alabama are you from?
14:04Don't know.
14:06Birmingham.
14:08Have you heard of Birmingham?
14:09It is a lovely...
14:11I really do need my cell.
14:12I'm going to go talk to them for just a second.
14:14Let's both do that.
14:16Locked me up.
14:17Do the, uh, smash it.
14:18Are you kidding?
14:19Yeah.
14:20You're going to have to... No, I'm not kidding.
14:21Violent solves Everything. Just smash...
14:23You have it. Marvelous.
14:25Bad advice, President.
14:26Oh, hello.
14:27Nope, the light bulb's fine.
14:28Oh.
14:29See? Yeah.
14:30I was just admiring it.
14:31Your, uh, charging portal is so clean.
14:34Do you swab it?
14:35No, but for this relief, much thanks.
14:38Exit pursued by bear.
14:47Well, first I want to apologize for what I said last time we spoke.
14:50You know when I've had a drink, I can be a little...
14:53Bit of a bitch.
14:54Be a little feisty.
14:57So how's the family?
14:59Oh, Lucy's... Lucy's engaged.
15:01That's beautiful.
15:03Yeah, I'm good.
15:04I had one of my blood sugar episodes at CVS the other day.
15:07Mom, nobody cares.
15:09But, uh...
15:10Get to it.
15:11I tell you what.
15:12I'm calling Jeff because I was wondering if maybe you could make a call over to Governor Chung's campaign team
15:18and tell him that JJ needs a job.
15:20No, no, no.
15:21JJ has a lot of job offers.
15:23No, JJ has a lot of job offers.
15:25And maybe Governor Chung.
15:26And maybe Governor Chung.
15:27Want to snap him up.
15:28Want to snap him right up.
15:30Yeah.
15:31Yeah, no, I know he can be.
15:33But I was just wondering if you could help us out, Jeff.
15:38Oh!
15:39What's he say? What's he say?
15:40Okay, oh, he's going to be thrilled when I tell him.
15:44Yes!
15:45So, Lucy, is she pregnant?
15:49No, I wasn't accusing.
15:51I was just asking, is she pregnant?
15:54What is wrong with you?
15:56Well, we all know she's no angel.
15:59She does drugs.
16:00She's got that tattoo.
16:08Mom?
16:10What happened?
16:12He hung up.
16:13He's such a jackass.
16:18But he's going to make the call to Chung, right?
16:20Oh, that's not going to happen.
16:22Oh, Mom!
16:24Oh, you are so annoying!
16:26How do you not just punch yourself in the face?
16:29Call him back.
16:30Oh, Rick, he's not going to answer.
16:33Who else can we call?
16:34Oh, I don't know, Mom.
16:36Is there anyone else in our family that controls the senior citizen vote in New England?
16:40Because that'd be my next fucking call.
16:42This community center, it's got volunteers and homeless people.
16:46And is there anybody else there?
16:47An immigrant family from Syria who had a horrific time getting to America.
16:51They're going to be good to talk to.
16:52Oh, ma'am, ma'am.
16:53All of Aerie Systems just withdrew its donations and so has Dugdale Recycling.
16:57Just now.
16:59Yeah, it's out there.
17:01Quincy ran an online piece about the Gummy Code.
17:04You're kidding.
17:05No.
17:06You can't.
17:08I got it right here.
17:09Any organization donating to the Meijer campaign may want to reflect on how its tight-fisted idiocy is mocked by the woman on the $1,200 crate.
17:22Okay.
17:29Okay, well.
17:34Well, there's just no way out of this.
17:40I mean, you know, not for a sitting vice president who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire.
17:48Do you know what VP stands for?
17:51It stands for Victory Permafucked.
17:57I don't deserve this.
17:59You know, God damn it.
18:01I don't, but you do.
18:03Because you are all losers.
18:07Every motherfucking one of you.
18:10Loser.
18:12Loser!
18:21Madam Vice President, are all your donors idiots or just a select few?
18:28Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility?
18:30Relax, relax.
18:32Hypertension kills.
18:34Did you know how much that crate cost or when did you know it?
18:37The vice president is not here to answer questions right now.
18:39She's here to reach out to the community.
18:41Hey, listen, I'm so sorry about all of this.
18:43You're asking a rhetorical question and the answer is obviously no.
18:46See this?
18:48I'm done.
18:50I'm done.
18:53God, it's so good to hear your voice.
18:55I know it's going much worse.
18:58Let's find us a house, Wendy.
19:00Where we can keep ducks.
19:02For us and the ducks.
19:04Of course, the kids too.
19:06Mike.
19:07I have to go see homeless people.
19:09And see if there's one with a pool.
19:11This is Alida and Fadi.
19:14Hello.
19:15Hello, hi.
19:17Oh, I really want to hear your story.
19:19It is not a nice one.
19:21No.
19:23Life can be...
19:25very challenging.
19:27I mean, sometimes through no fault of your own, it's just one...
19:34disaster...
19:36after another disaster.
19:39The city is very troubled.
19:42Oh.
19:44Right?
19:45Ma'am.
19:47Kent is here.
19:49He's acting weird.
19:51Not normal weird, weird, weird.
19:55What does that mean?
19:59Kent.
20:00Ma'am.
20:02What? Are you okay?
20:04Kind of, in a way.
20:07And also not.
20:08And in a third way, both.
20:11What are you talking about? What is it?
20:12Are we at war?
20:13Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.
20:17The First Lady...
20:19isn't in a good place.
20:21Oh.
20:22Hospital.
20:24Mentally.
20:25POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time...
20:30to looking after her.
20:31Yikes.
20:33At any rate...
20:35Yeah?
20:36He's gonna resign.
20:38Oh.
20:40What?
20:41Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States.
20:45It's not a dress rehearsal.
20:47Not a drill.
20:48You are going to be the President.
20:53Now?
20:54We're not sure when, but very soon.
21:02Where is POTUS gonna live, though?
21:06Where is he?
21:07Yeah, because doesn't he have to move?
21:10Well, yeah, but that's none of your concern.
21:12No, no, no, but I mean, does he have a house?
21:15Somebody will handle that. You don't have to worry about that.
21:22You okay?
21:24I just, I just have to go to the bathroom.
21:27Do you know where it is?
21:28I think it's behind you.
21:37Ma'am?
21:38Ma'am?
21:45Ma'am?
21:46Ma'am?
21:50Hey, ma'am.
21:51You all right?
21:54Yeah?
21:56Gary?
21:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:02I'm gonna be President.
22:05Of course you are.
22:08I mean, there's always hope, ma'am.
22:09We've got plenty of hope in this world.
22:11No, no, no, no.
22:13I mean, uh,
22:15POTUS
22:17is gonna resign.
22:20And I'm about to become President.
22:24Of America.
22:30No, no, no, no.
22:31Oh, don't cry.
22:33Don't cry.
22:35Oh, oh, oh.
22:37Your nose is bleeding.
22:39You're bleeding.
22:40Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
22:42Oh, Gary, what are you bleeding?
22:43What I got inside is my nose bleeding.
22:45What?
22:46What I got inside is my nose bleeding.
22:48Okay, you gotta sit down.
22:50Wait, you gotta sit down.
22:52Gary, you gotta sit down.
22:53Put your head back.
22:54Put your head back.
22:56What I got inside is my nose bleeding.
22:58That's good.
23:00Wait, let me get you a painkiller.
23:02Oh, shit.
23:03Gary.
23:05There's...
23:08There's no toilet paper.
23:10Oh, my God.
23:11Oh, my God.
23:13There's nothing in my back.
23:15Okay.
23:17Oh, it's in the...
23:18It's in the...
23:19What?
23:20Where is it?
23:21It's in the otter.
23:22It's in the otter pocket.
23:24It's in the otter pocket.
23:26What is this?
23:30Oh, shit, that looks bad through here.
23:34No.
23:35Take these things out.
23:38Shove these up there.
23:42That will do the trick.
23:46Why is there a bicycle hook?
23:49Gary.
23:51Seriously.
23:52Why?
23:53Oh, my God.
23:54It looks so disgusting.
23:55I want bicycles.
23:57Oh, I got it.
23:58Here, I got it.
23:59I got it.
24:00Here, shove these in.
24:01Shove these in.
24:04We can't have...
24:05Uh-oh.
24:07Everything all right?
24:13Good.
24:15I need to go.
24:27The president is resigning.
24:29So, Lena is going to be president.
24:34What's going on?
24:35What's up?
24:36POTUS is resigning.
24:37So, Lena is president.
24:42POTUS is stepping down.
24:43So, Lena is going to be president.
24:45Fuck off.
24:48POTUS is going to resign.
24:50So, Lena is going to be president.
24:54Oh, shit.
24:56I was going to raise ducks.
25:00Okay, take two.
25:03I'm so sorry I went away, but now I'm back.
25:06Fadi and Alidik, they've had a terrible time.
25:08No.
25:09Oh, that they have.
25:10They just arrived a month ago.
25:12At the Rye Harbor.
25:14Oh, Rye Harbor.
25:15Oh, that's lovely.
25:17So, you had a safe arrival, which means that Lady Luck was with you.
25:22Our journey was like a horrible dream.
25:26One time we hid in a well for five days.
25:29Oh, good Lord.
25:31A well.
25:34Yeah?
25:37It's happening in 48 hours.
25:43Okay, I gotta go.
25:45But, gosh, good luck with all of your terrible troubles.
25:49And welcome to America.
25:52Okay.
26:00Winner, winner, winner.
26:02Winner, winner, winner.
26:04Okay, okay.
26:06So, as weird as this may seem.
26:09Okay.
26:11You are still running a campaign.
26:13Oh, my God, right.
26:14So?
26:15Somebody has to be here.
26:16Right.
26:17Obviously, I have to go with you.
26:18Yeah.
26:19Because I'm...
26:20My campaign manager.
26:22And you have to come with me, Ben.
26:24That's what all the chicks say.
26:28And, Mike, I need you.
26:29Yes, you do.
26:30And, obviously, I need to come with you because you're my...
26:33Ruthless eye.
26:34Yeah, I have no soul.
26:38And, Gary.
26:39Yeah?
26:40I need you to stay.
26:41What?
26:42Yeah, I need you to stay here to be the face of the campaign and everything.
26:47Okay?
26:48And then, tomorrow, you take a commercial flight back to D.C.
26:52And then we can talk inauguration shows.
26:55Okay, ma'am.
26:56But this is the most important moment of my...
26:58Of your life.
26:59It's going.
27:00It's going awesome.
27:01Sorry.
27:02I just...
27:03I feel like...
27:04I feel like there's anybody right next to you.
27:07I mean, I would absolutely agree that that would be me.
27:12This is better than any of the sex I've ever had.
27:14I mean, almost any of it.
27:15I feel sick, but it's just in my neck, you know?
27:18Wow.
27:19Only 44 other senior press advisors have ever felt like this.
27:24That's right, yeah.
27:25We're the chosen ones, bud.
27:27Oh, it really is all about you, isn't it?
27:29The president announced that he will be stepping down with immediate effect
27:34in order to help his wife...
27:36Oh, no.
27:37...her illness.
27:38He has...
27:39No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
27:41No, no, no.
27:42Fuck me.
27:46Is this soup vegetarian?
27:50I think it's vegan.
27:51Ah, nice.
27:52Oh, so maybe one or two types of beans?
27:55I wouldn't know.
27:56Uh-huh.
27:57I don't make the soup.
27:58Oh, maybe three, actually.
28:01I don't know.
28:02Yeah.
28:03Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
28:07My heart is racing like 200 miles an hour.
28:09Me too.
28:11But that's normal for me, because I'm a...
28:13But that's normal for me, because I'm not a healthy man.
28:17I don't understand this,
28:18because yesterday we're all doing jokes about the box,
28:21now she's commander-in-chief.
28:23How has this happened?
28:25So what's it like working for the vice president?
28:28It's my greatest joy just to stand by her every day,
28:32just to be by her side.
28:34Buy yourself a gun, Mom,
28:36because America's going to have to shoot its way out of this.
28:39Does she often leave you behind?
28:41No, this is the first time.
28:49Oh, I didn't get any salad.
28:51Oh, God, Mom, no, make this stop.
28:54Okay, okay.
28:55No, don't turn it off, Mom!
28:58Well, this must be what it feels like to be happy.
29:06Ma'am, are you okay?
29:08I'm going to be the fucking president.