Veep Season 5 Episode 1 Morning After
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00:00My fellow Americans, I stand before you this morning in bare-faced awe of the majesty of
00:23our democratic system.
00:26What a night!
00:28In a democracy such as ours, it falls to the people to choose their president, and that
00:34is what you attempted to do last night.
00:37As it turned out, there's a virtually unprecedented tie in the Electoral College, a somewhat arcane
00:43institution that many scholars believe we should do away with.
00:47I wish to say, on a personal note, that although there is a tie, I am most privileged to have
00:54won the popular vote.
00:56And though this tie may be frustrating, I want to assure the American people, our country
01:02is not leaderless.
01:04No matter who you voted for, I am your president.
01:08Thank you all.
01:09God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.
01:15We're clear.
01:18Can we have the room?
01:19Fantastic speech, ma'am.
01:20Very good.
01:21Three yeses.
01:22Strength, stability, and bullshit.
01:23I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club.
01:27Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?
01:31Two great Greek contributions to society, democracy and getting fucked up the ass.
01:37I've tried both, and they're way overrated, like jazz.
01:40My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.
01:44Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.
01:48I'll tell you something, too, okay?
01:50There is no world in which I'm going to be vice president to that smug Dick Van Dyke
01:55looking motherfucker, Tom James.
01:58Who in the hell does he think...
02:00Catherine, what are you doing with that thing?
02:02Is that on?
02:03Remember when we got back last night, my thesis film about the tie?
02:06She majored in film at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie.
02:08Oh, believe me, I know what she majored in, 65 grand a year, watching movies.
02:13Mom, this is such a historic event.
02:15Can you please just get off of me?
02:17And I never came up with a thesis my advisor liked because I had that thing last semester
02:21where I was tired all the time and...
02:23Okay, we don't...
02:24We don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome.
02:26What about your minor?
02:27Dance.
02:28Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election?
02:32You know, you can't decide, should you dance or should you not dance?
02:35I want you to take this seriously.
02:37You promised me.
02:38I am taking it seriously.
02:39Please, Catherine, stop with the whining, all right?
02:41You're going to shatter the bulletproof glass in here.
02:44How is it that we did not win Delaware?
02:46Okay, is that a yes to my question?
02:51Okay, she can have full access, okay?
02:55Starting right after we address the situation in Yemen.
02:59Honey, it's Yemen.
03:01Life gives you Yemen.
03:03You had to make Yemenade.
03:04Okay, well, I'll come back later.
03:07You always do.
03:10Ma'am.
03:11No.
03:12There's not going to be a film.
03:14The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake.
03:17Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way.
03:19Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death.
03:22Even better.
03:23Amy?
03:25This thing on the side of my face feels like a dog nipple.
03:28It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout.
03:32You know, maybe you just might want to see a doctor just in case.
03:35No, she doesn't need a doctor.
03:36Get her under control.
03:37Amy!
03:38Yeah?
03:39So, what?
03:40Nothing.
03:41I've been on the phone all night with these clueless constitutional law experts of ours.
03:46I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.
03:50Are you back?
03:51No, I'm not back.
03:52I'm just helping out.
03:54Ma'am.
03:55What?
03:56Do you want to see a doctor about the...
03:58It's a stress pimple.
03:59No, it's...
04:00No, I get them on my ass all the time.
04:02It's not a stress pimple.
04:03It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time.
04:06Gary's on it, okay?
04:07Exactly.
04:08Yes.
04:09I don't have the spoon.
04:10Have you tried cider vinegar?
04:12No.
04:13We're using hot compresses.
04:14That's all we need.
04:15For the stress pimple?
04:16Ben got those on his butt.
04:17She should see a doctor.
04:18Amy's back.
04:19No, I'm not back.
04:20No, she's not back.
04:21Ma'am, rave reviews on the speech.
04:22Good.
04:23Oh, and big news.
04:24Oh, God.
04:25O'Brien made a statement.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27I should have said big personal news.
04:29Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China.
04:31Oh!
04:32We were keeping secrets all after the election.
04:34Actually, Wendy was keeping a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping
04:38secrets.
04:39I'm going to be a dad.
04:41You're a nincompoop.
04:42We are in the middle of a tied election.
04:45There is no time for some Chinese baby.
04:49Cancel it and see if you can get your money back.
04:52Fortune cookies say you fuck up big time, round eye.
04:55It's not a big deal.
04:56I don't even know when to expect her.
04:58And, starting today, I'm getting in dad shape.
05:01Counting my steps.
05:03Too bad you're not counting your missteps.
05:04You'd be done by breakfast, right?
05:06I prefer to count my steps in my head.
05:084,383.
05:10Get out of my sight, Kent.
05:12Okay?
05:13I have not forgiven you for this tie.
05:14Ma'am, I have the final house results.
05:19LaFontaine won?
05:21How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people
05:25turn on him?
05:27Three.
05:28And how did Craig lose?
05:29Didn't you go to Indiana like five times?
05:31That may have been the problem.
05:33All right, listen.
05:34From this moment forward, people, I am all about the House vote.
05:38All right?
05:39We are recommending direct engagement with individual congressmen.
05:42That's gotta happen.
05:43Okay.
05:44That's right.
05:45And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do.
05:47Yeah, drive sober.
05:49And take a shit without getting a hernia.
05:51Be the president.
05:52It is imperative that you look presidential right now.
05:56I'm going to visit troops, go on and off of Air Force One as much as possible.
06:02We don't even have to leave the ground.
06:04Ma'am, you may want to consider moving up that Symposium on Race.
06:08Uh, I don't think that we're Symposium on Race desperate yet.
06:12All right?
06:14Hi.
06:15Sorry I'm late.
06:17Strangely, I agree with everything Amy just said.
06:20And if I may also suggest repurposing the election Twitter account to a new POTUS account
06:26to talk directly to the American people.
06:28Great idea, Bill.
06:29Could you, uh, could you step outside for a moment, please?
06:35Sure.
06:38Yeah.
06:42There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room,
06:47and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.
06:49I'm just trying to help the president.
06:51And she appreciates that.
06:53But the U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you.
06:55You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.
06:57Of course.
06:59Well, I spoke to the president, and she's willing to reconsider a full pardon.
07:02If you surrender quietly.
07:04No media.
07:06I just don't want to dominate the news cycle.
07:08Can I just say one thing?
07:09Yes.
07:10Goodbye.
07:15So?
07:16How'd it go?
07:17He took it like a man.
07:19Hmm.
07:20You better get used to that.
07:22Isn't she adorable?
07:24Oh, they all look alike to me.
07:25What?
07:27Not Chinese people, but pictures of children.
07:29How old?
07:31The agency says she's either 16 months or 3 years old.
07:34Do you like your Fitbit?
07:35Oh, yeah.
07:37I am just over 12,000 steps today.
07:39I'm at 3,000.
07:41Did you run to work today?
07:43No.
07:44The job keeps me active.
07:46Office of the President.
07:48Hall, please.
07:50When we come back, the pollster post-mortem.
07:52Why were the exit polls so off?
07:53Oh, Greg!
07:55Greg!
07:56Dan!
07:58Great job last night.
08:00I saw Matt and Curtis crying in the parking garage.
08:02That's fantastic.
08:04Hey, listen.
08:05I was really hoping to get back on,
08:07but they got me waiting in the green room for like two hours.
08:09Spaldy showed up this year.
08:11He's getting his hair done.
08:12He has to go home, I guess.
08:13I killed it last night, right?
08:15Dan, look.
08:16I think you could have a future in this,
08:18but you've got to get out there and make a name for yourself.
08:20You ran one campaign for two weeks
08:21and had a nervous breakdown.
08:23That is medically inaccurate.
08:25All right, go out, win a race
08:27with a Jesus-loving, homophobic, homosexual,
08:29or a racist billionaire.
08:31Then we can talk about a career in TV.
08:37How's Zitzilla looking?
08:39Angry.
08:40You been picking at it?
08:42No.
08:44Well, maybe a little bit, but...
08:47Oh, my God!
08:49What?
08:51It's so hot!
08:53It's supposed to be hot.
08:55And the tea is cold.
08:57Madam President, Chinese hackers
08:59breached an NSA firewall earlier this morning.
09:01Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?
09:03I'll check.
09:05And the director of the Secret Service is waiting to see you.
09:07Well, then send him in.
09:09He's been waiting to see me.
09:11Hi, Keith.
09:13Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
09:15No, it's okay.
09:16It's no bother.
09:18Since you became president,
09:19I mean, apart from the discolored tooth,
09:21but that's obviously not a reason to replace him.
09:23Can they replace the tooth?
09:25No, no.
09:27Ma'am, this is Special Agent Marjorie Polmiati.
09:29Oh, hello.
09:30Hello, ma'am.
09:31Agent...
09:32Polmiati.
09:33Polmiati.
09:34Okay, welcome aboard.
09:37Ma'am, a key requirement for being lead agent
09:39is someone who looks like a president,
09:41especially from behind to provide
09:43an additional decoy target for any would-be assailants.
09:45I'm a perfect match from behind.
09:46Okay, I'll tell you something.
09:48I am not quite seeing it,
09:52only because I'm...
09:57Well, you are...
10:01Ma'am?
10:03Would you mind just giving us a second?
10:05Of course.
10:10Keith, are you really not seeing what it is I'm seeing?
10:14No, ma'am.
10:15Gary, can you help me out here?
10:17She smells completely different, so, you know.
10:19That is not what...
10:21It's not...
10:23Excuse me, ma'am.
10:25I'm sorry.
10:26What?
10:28You've got to see this, ma'am.
10:30Pleasure to meet you.
10:32Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
10:34Oh, shit.
10:36The big story at this moment, Nevada.
10:38With all the votes now tallied,
10:40Senator Bill O'Brien's lead
10:42over President Selina Meyer
10:43is now less than half a percent,
10:45which, by Nevada state law,
10:47would allow for a possible recount.
10:49If President Meyer were to win a recount,
10:51she wins Nevada's six electoral votes
10:53and, therefore,
10:55the presidency.
10:57All the networks have it.
10:59New York Times as well.
11:01Oh, wait a minute.
11:03Wait a minute, wait a minute.
11:05Is this really happening?
11:07I mean, do we actually have a chance at Nevada?
11:09Nevada.
11:11Oh, my God.
11:12We have to move!
11:14What do we do?
11:16Well, ma'am, we need to be sure
11:18that when we get on the ground...
11:20No, shut up, Kent.
11:22You already lost Nevada for me once.
11:24Nevada.
11:25Ben, what do we do?
11:27We need to get a hold of our people in Nevada.
11:29Don't, don't.
11:31Well, the vast majority of Nevada voting
11:33is done by machine.
11:35Once a Nevada Secretary of State
11:37certifies a count,
11:39we'll then have 72 hours
11:40to get a doctorate
11:42in recount procedures in the West.
11:44Excellent work, Richard.
11:46Richard works for me.
11:48You have a doctorate?
11:50Two.
11:52Constitutional law and veterinary medicine,
11:54which was my fallback.
11:56But you were getting my coffee.
11:58Which is much harder
12:00because, you know,
12:02you have so many different moods.
12:04You know, like a half-calf,
12:06a full-calf, macchiato.
12:08Macchia.
12:10You're not even really here.
12:12Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference
12:14in an hour to discuss the recount.
12:16I'm gonna talk in half an hour, okay?
12:18I gotta say stuff before he says stuff.
12:20Listen, you gotta write something up.
12:22I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it.
12:24Yeah, no, we're on the move.
12:26Jonah, with me, please.
12:28This is highly enriched,
12:30weapons-grade bullshit.
12:32How dare she put you in charge of me?
12:34It's an outrage is what it is.
12:36It is an outrage.
12:38She's Uncle Dursley
12:40murdered Harry Potter
12:42living under the staircase.
12:44Do you see that?
12:46But what happens in the Harry Potter books?
12:48He rises up and he kills all the muggles.
12:50I don't think that's what happens.
12:52Actually, I'm sorry,
12:54that lumbar support goes with this chair.
12:56Yeah, we're getting there.
12:58Okay.
13:00So, what do you got?
13:02Am I still standing in bare face awe
13:04of the majesty of our democratic system?
13:06Not exactly, ma'am.
13:08This time...
13:09Okay, okay.
13:11This time, you're simply blessed.
13:13Wow, I thought your last one
13:15was full of revacuous nonsense.
13:17This one is much worse.
13:19Excellent, Mike.
13:21Gary, this is taking longer than it did
13:23for them to paint my fucking full house.
13:25Good afternoon.
13:27Good afternoon.
13:29Yes, oh, wow, look at this full house.
13:31When I think about
13:33this great country of ours,
13:35I have to count my blessings.
13:37Earlier today,
13:39as you'll remember,
13:41I briefed you on the state of affairs
13:43regarding...
13:45It's looking a little worse.
13:47Wherever you stand in the room,
13:49it's still looking at you.
13:51Since that time,
13:53we have been doubly blessed
13:55by new developments
13:57in the state of Nevada,
13:59and I am confident
14:01that all Americans,
14:03including Senator O'Brien,
14:05would agree...
14:06It's stuck.
14:08It is my clear duty
14:10as president
14:12to enforce the laws of this country
14:14after a careful assessment
14:16of what those laws
14:18actually mean.
14:20I am also blessed
14:22to be your candidate
14:24for president.
14:26What is this?
14:28Did it pop? Did it pop?
14:30That Dow is dropping lower
14:32than my balls on a hot summer day.
14:34While the American people
14:36in Temple, Zit Zilla,
14:38just stomped all over Wall Street.
14:40And in that,
14:42we're all blessed.
14:50So, how was that?
14:57Oh, suck my dick.
15:00Panic from the recount
15:02led to a huge sell-off
15:04and the market is so over-margined
15:06that now they're already
15:08calling it Black Wednesday.
15:10Jesus, it's only Wednesday?
15:12O'Brien just issued a statement.
15:14He says the market crash
15:16caused a blotch
15:18on the face of America.
15:20Is that about my pimple?
15:22I don't think it helped.
15:24Gary?
15:26Yeah?
15:28I want to see a doctor.
15:30Okay, I just don't think...
15:32You did this, okay?
15:34All that heat made it grow bigger.
15:36Madam President,
15:38how's it going?
15:40Did he just say Zit?
15:42How come no one ever tries
15:44to assassinate a vice president?
15:46Okay, so what are we
15:48gonna do about the economy?
15:50Oh, why don't we appoint an economy czar for start?
15:52That seems like something.
15:54Like an empty cop car.
15:56They park on the side of the road
15:57at slow speeders.
15:59Those cars are empty?
16:01Okay, you've got to sit down.
16:03Yes, ma'am.
16:04It's time to move up
16:06the symposium on race.
16:08I'm on it, ma'am,
16:10like brown on rice.
16:12Ma'am, Tom James just gave
16:14an interview to the, uh,
16:16bumfuck plane dealer
16:18where he says, and I quote,
16:20I just want to make sure
16:22they are recounting
16:24all the absentee ballots
16:26of our men and women
16:28bravely serving overseas.
16:30What is he doing?
16:32He knows that the military
16:33can't do that.
16:35No, what we have to do
16:37is hang a bell on this guy.
16:39He's completely off book.
16:41No, ma'am, I think that means
16:43that he's learned all his lines
16:45and he no longer needs a script.
16:47No, he's off book.
16:49Off the hook?
16:51No, he's, he's deviating
16:53from the book of the things
16:55that he should do.
16:56You mean off the rails.
16:58Oh.
16:59Fine, he's off the rails.
17:01Well, let's make Tom
17:03go to Nevada.
17:05Well, Zahram,
17:07that'll give him something to do.
17:09All right, we'll do that.
17:11We'll start with that.
17:13Amy, Amy, I just need to
17:15talk to you for one second.
17:17I've got a very big question.
17:19I can't go to Nevada.
17:21I'm sorry.
17:23I have thought about this a lot.
17:25What do you think of Candy Caruso
17:27to head up Nevada for me?
17:29Oh, yeah.
17:31I hear just excellent things
17:33about her.
17:34She's 30.
17:35That's right.
17:36She's still under 30.
17:37She looks older.
17:39You like her.
17:40Yes.
17:41Yeah.
17:42I mean, if you want a super smart
17:44woman who's young and brilliant,
17:46then why not?
17:47Yeah, I really want that.
17:49I really do.
17:51Look, regardless of the recount,
17:53this could mean big things
17:55for Zucchini.
17:56Yeah, good.
17:57We'll talk later.
17:58Bye.
17:59Hey, Danny boy.
18:00Hey.
18:01Sorry you weren't on TV
18:02because I wasn't sure
18:03what I wanted to talk to you about.
18:04Uh-huh.
18:05See, I need to make some changes.
18:06Can you just
18:08let me hold on one quick second?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Shoot off this text.
18:12Sorry.
18:13Go ahead.
18:14You were saying?
18:15I was.
18:16I was saying that
18:18I've really enjoyed my time here.
18:19Oh, good.
18:20And I've learned so much from you.
18:21That's good to hear.
18:22Sorry about that.
18:23Go ahead.
18:24Take that.
18:25Yeah?
18:26Yeah.
18:27Oh.
18:28It's from you?
18:29Is it?
18:30I'm fired?
18:31Yeah.
18:32They're doubling down
18:33on O'Brien,
18:34so you're basically
18:35as useless to me
18:36as a 40-year-old woman.
18:37Okay.
18:38Well.
18:39Oh, interesting.
18:40I'm getting something
18:41back from you.
18:42Yeah.
18:43Oh.
18:44You can't fire me.
18:45I quib.
18:46You know
18:47you're supposed to say quit.
18:48Well, I just fired you anyway.
18:49You can't quib,
18:50you rebard.
18:51Ma'am,
18:52someone opened
18:53a Twitter account
18:54for the pimple.
18:55What?
18:56It's called POTUS,
18:57Pimple of the United States.
18:58Oh, okay.
18:59There are 220,000 followers
19:00as of five minutes ago.
19:01How many Twitter followers
19:02do I have?
19:03Approaching that.
19:04Is there anything
19:05not fucked up
19:06that you can tell me
19:07right now?
19:08Well,
19:09the symposium on race
19:10is all set
19:11for this afternoon.
19:12Oh, good.
19:13Well, that'll be a hoot.
19:14Oh,
19:15czar, she blows.
19:16Excuse me, gentlemen.
19:17Beat the press
19:18on Sunday, Susan.
19:19Hey, Tom.
19:20It's nice to meet you.
19:21Madam President.
19:22How are ya?
19:23I am good.
19:24So,
19:25you're up to speed
19:26on Nevada?
19:27Uh-huh.
19:28And
19:29the market's now.
19:31I saw that.
19:32My God.
19:33Which brings me
19:34to my point.
19:35Um,
19:36I would
19:37like to
19:38officially offer you
19:39No, no, no.
19:40the position
19:41of
19:42No, no, thank you.
19:43economy czar.
19:44Thank you,
19:45but no.
19:46Why not?
19:47You would be
19:48in charge
19:49of the economic crisis.
19:50No,
19:51I would be blamed
19:52for the economic crisis.
19:53Tom,
19:54stop it.
19:55You wanted to be
19:56treasury secretary,
19:57remember?
19:58I don't see how
19:59this is any different
20:00than that.
20:01Respectfully,
20:02Madam President,
20:03I hope you do,
20:04because
20:05if the President
20:06of the United States
20:07can't tell the difference
20:08between treasury secretary
20:09and stock market patsy,
20:10that's pretty disturbing.
20:13Then you accept?
20:16Madam President,
20:17it is a huge honor,
20:19but I have to balance
20:20that against my need
20:22not to do it.
20:24Tom,
20:25I'm asking you
20:26as a president
20:28of the United States.
20:30And respectfully,
20:31I am declining.
20:34I'm not picking up
20:35any respect.
20:37Then you're getting
20:38declining.
20:41And do you know
20:42what Candy Caruso's
20:43real name is?
20:45It's Candace,
20:46and she changed it
20:47to Candy with an I.
20:48If she does that
20:49to her own goddamn name,
20:50how the hell
20:51is she going
20:52to handle
20:53a potential recount?
20:54Good morning, Amy.
20:55This is the President's
20:56schedule,
20:57which, incidentally,
20:58Ms. Caruso is on
20:59right now.
21:00Oh, I'm aware.
21:01Oh, good morning, ma'am.
21:02Good morning.
21:03Okay, I see you.
21:04You stay away
21:05from my face.
21:06I hear you.
21:07But this is a family
21:08recipe from my aunts
21:09in Savannah,
21:10and they swear
21:11I buy it for skin problems
21:12and migraines.
21:13Mm-hmm.
21:14Chickpea paste,
21:15Tabasco,
21:16with just a dash of...
21:17All you're doing right now
21:18is making me hungry.
21:19Right.
21:20So why don't you
21:21do something about that?
21:22Sure, sure.
21:23Snack!
21:24Uh-huh.
21:25Yeah.
21:26Thanks, John.
21:27Mm-hmm.
21:30I think the most important thing
21:31in terms of strategy
21:32is controlling
21:33the narrative.
21:34Oh, I have a saying.
21:35If you're explaining,
21:36you're losing.
21:37Absolutely.
21:38Yes.
21:39I'm right on board with you.
21:40Excuse me, Madam President.
21:41Amy!
21:42Have...
21:43Have you met Candy?
21:44Hi.
21:45It's, uh, Candy
21:46with an A.
21:47Amy with a Y.
21:48Yeah.
21:49Which is correct.
21:50Uh, we are right
21:51in the middle
21:52of an interview
21:53with an exceptionally
21:54wonderful candidate
21:55coordinating Nevada.
21:56Mm-hmm.
21:57And I just...
21:58It's just gonna take a second.
21:59Apologies.
22:00I'll be right back.
22:01Absolutely.
22:02I got you a snack.
22:03Oh, yeah.
22:04Give me that.
22:10It's a great dress.
22:11Oh.
22:14Size two?
22:16Um...
22:18Ms. Caruso,
22:19the President sends her apologies,
22:21but the position
22:22has been filled.
22:23Ooh.
22:24Right this way.
22:25Okay.
22:28And if I need more clothes,
22:29then I'll have you
22:30or Mom send them.
22:31Yeah, fine.
22:32Bye.
22:33Richard.
22:34What's this?
22:35You know Jonah.
22:36Uh, he works for me.
22:37Uh, in fact,
22:38you two used to date,
22:39but you never got over him?
22:40Not Jonah.
22:41Why is Baby
22:42with a beard here?
22:43Oh, good.
22:44You remember Cliff.
22:45He works for me now.
22:46I recruited him from Justice.
22:47The first of many appointments
22:48I intend to make.
22:49Here, Richard.
22:50We need recount lawyers
22:51in each county,
22:52and we need housing
22:53volunteers.
22:54Who do you take care of this,
22:55uh, Jonah?
22:56Uh, Cliff?
22:57My plate is just full
22:58of shit right now,
22:59and I would like
23:00for you to clean that.
23:01You know what?
23:02I'll do it.
23:03Yeah.
23:04You know,
23:05I love talking to people,
23:06anyway.
23:07All right, get out.
23:08I'm...
23:09Out.
23:10Take that cushion with you.
23:11That is disgusting.
23:12Actually,
23:13it goes with the seat,
23:14so it should
23:15probably stay.
23:16I can't understand
23:17a word.
23:18This afternoon,
23:19I asked Tom James
23:21to serve as economy czar,
23:22and to my delight,
23:23he said yes.
23:24Senator James'
23:25selflessness
23:26is an inspiration
23:27to us all.
23:28Whatever useless,
23:29vain,
23:30vapid thing
23:31you're doing right now,
23:32drop it.
23:33Well,
23:34I am enjoying
23:35a delicious sandwich.
23:36I mean,
23:37even more delicious
23:38by the fact
23:39that there's
23:40a homeless guy
23:41watching me eat it.
23:42I need you to get
23:43on this plane
23:44to Nevada with me today.
23:45Been there.
23:46Got fucked by that.
23:47Cut the shit.
23:48You don't know
23:49what you're talking about.
23:50Cut the shit.
23:51You just got fired.
23:52Purcell's told everyone in town.
23:53That fucker!
23:54Right now,
23:55you're about as toxic
23:56as a urinal cake
23:57in Chernobyl,
23:58and I am offering you a job.
23:59You have exactly
24:00zero seconds to decide.
24:01You know,
24:02Candy Caruso
24:03would've asked me nicer.
24:04Sue?
24:05Yes?
24:06The president's remarks
24:07for the symposium,
24:08and...
24:09Caught you.
24:1018,000 steps.
24:11I am Chinese baby ready.
24:12Oh, my God.
24:13Mike,
24:14one of the auditions
24:15for Music Man.
24:16Oh, my God.
24:17Mike,
24:18one of the auditions
24:19for Music Man.
24:20So,
24:21how many flights, Mike?
24:22What do you mean, flights?
24:23As in flights of stairs.
24:24It burns way more calories.
24:25I am at
24:2622 flights today.
24:27Oh.
24:28Stairs?
24:29Things you walk up and down.
24:30Hi, Sue.
24:31Is she busy?
24:32Oh.
24:33Oh, wow.
24:34Never mind.
24:35Oh, looky, looky.
24:36How could you do this?
24:37What?
24:38I gave you my decision.
24:39Oh, suck it.
24:40Excuse me?
24:41Yeah, you heard me.
24:42I only had
24:43a few minutes.
24:44I'm sorry.
24:45I'm sorry.
24:46I'm sorry.
24:47I'm sorry.
24:48You heard me.
24:49I LBJ'd you.
24:50Okay?
24:51I'm the LBJ Queen,
24:52and you are Sergeant Suck-It Shriver.
24:55And now,
24:56you have to excuse me
24:57because this pimple
24:58isn't getting any smaller,
24:59kind of like the national debt.
25:02Hey, Sue,
25:03is Dr. Abernathy here?
25:04Yes.
25:05Okay, send him in, please.
25:06Okay.
25:07Right this way.
25:08Do you mind?
25:09I've got a...
25:10Hi there, doctor.
25:11Madam President.
25:12You know Senator James.
25:13He's our new Economizer.
25:14Congratulations, sir.
25:16Prosperity is just around the corner.
25:17Good, good.
25:18How may I help you?
25:19Well,
25:20you can get rid of
25:21this skittle
25:22that's embedded in my face.
25:23She's also got a mole
25:24near her Spanx line,
25:25and that's even better.
25:26Yeah,
25:27and this thing at my ass
25:28has got to get removed, too.
25:29Okay.
25:30How are you, Gary?
25:31Fine.
25:32You?
25:33Oh, yeah.
25:34See?
25:35That's really deep.
25:36What have you been doing?
25:38Just putting heat on it.
25:39Well, hot heat.
25:40That's the last thing
25:41you want to be doing?
25:42Okay.
25:43It wasn't that hot.
25:44A small cortisone shot
25:45should take care of it.
25:46Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
25:47Oh, yeah.
25:48Come in, come in.
25:49We have to go over
25:50your opening statement
25:51for the symposium.
25:52Sure.
25:53Also, ma'am,
25:54catastrophic mudslides
25:55in Idaho.
25:56The governor is requesting
25:57a federal state of emergency.
25:58This should be cleared up
25:59in 24 hours.
26:00Okay.
26:01Just keep your skin free
26:02of all irritants
26:03for a few days.
26:04Ma'am,
26:05he said no irritants.
26:06You're an irritant.
26:07How much should we lose
26:08Idaho by?
26:09Uh,
26:10well over
26:11212,000 votes.
26:12Then I declare
26:13a state of emergency.
26:14Then I declare
26:15a state of
26:16go fuck yourself.
26:17I'm not spending money
26:18to scrape mud
26:19off a bunch of dirt roads.
26:20You're not from Idaho,
26:21are you, doctor?
26:22No, ma'am.
26:23I don't mean this
26:24to sound insensitive,
26:25but don't you think
26:26that mudslides
26:27are the funniest
26:28kind of natural disasters?
26:29I've always been
26:30partial to sinkholes.
26:31You know,
26:32wah!
26:33Those are hilarious.
26:34Nature's trap door.
26:35Ma'am,
26:36makeup is an irritant,
26:37and we really need that.
26:38Makeup is not
26:39an irritant.
26:40It's an irritant.
26:41It's an irritant.
26:42It's an irritant.
26:44It's not an irritant.
26:45Actually, ma'am,
26:46yes, it is.
26:47Let's avoid any makeup
26:48on the facial area
26:49for at least
26:5048 hours.
26:51Oh,
26:52no,
26:53we're not gonna do this.
26:54But thanks for coming.
26:55Yes, ma'am.
26:56I'll show you out.
26:57We need to take
26:58a peek at this.
26:59Great.
27:00Thank you, doc.
27:01Cold,
27:02compressed Gary.
27:03Whatever.
27:12I'm in.
27:13Took the words
27:14right out of my mouth.
27:15Right?
27:16Yeah.
27:17Ma'am?
27:18Hmm?
27:19Hmm?
27:20Oh, Ben,
27:21and were we able
27:22to get Dr. Weissglass
27:23here today?
27:24Absolutely, ma'am.
27:25Oh, good.
27:26Catherine,
27:27you're documenting this.
27:28Okay.
27:29Welcome
27:30to the first annual
27:31Towards a New Promise.
27:32Ma'am,
27:33don't look into the camera.
27:34Just pretend I'm not here.
27:35But you are here.
27:36Yeah,
27:37but that's the point
27:38of documentary film
27:39is that you're supposed
27:40to get...
27:41I don't understand
27:42why is that you're here?
27:43Ah,
27:44they're ready for you, ma'am.
27:58There he is!
27:59Dr. Weiss,
28:00okay!
28:01Pleasure to see you again,
28:02Madam President.
28:03Oh, I'm so pleased
28:04you're able to make it.
28:05And I'm really excited
28:06to start this conversation today.
28:07Yes, ma'am.
28:08Sam O'Keefe.
28:09Yes.
28:10Also Harvard.
28:11It's hard,
28:12but I think it's going
28:13to be worth it.
28:14Don't you agree?
28:15I agree, yes.
28:17Good.
28:18Madam President,
28:19Lisa Burke,
28:20co-chair of
28:21African American Studies
28:22at Howard.
28:23Oh,
28:24Miss Burke, is it?
28:25Yes.
28:26Yes.
28:27Great.
28:28Well,
28:29every difficult conversation
28:30starts with a sentence.
28:31What the fuck
28:32is going on here?
28:33Why are they all white?
28:34It looks like
28:35the NHL All-Star Weekend.
28:36Okay.
28:37Hello!
28:38Franklin,
28:39Washington,
28:40Morehouse University.
28:41Now,
28:42Morehouse University
28:43is historically
28:44an African American university.
28:45Historic.
28:46Okay.
28:47We need to round up
28:48some blacks and fast.
28:49We need to round up
28:50some blacks.
28:51Don't cheat over
28:52the radio, asshole.
28:53Richard.
28:54Oh,
28:55thank God.
28:56Go get Sue.
28:57We need her now.
28:58Right now.
28:59Yeah.
29:00Folks,
29:01I look around here today
29:02and I see
29:03a rainbow of faces,
29:04you know?
29:05Faces from
29:06the Savannah,
29:07to the cities and towns
29:08of England.
29:09Faces from
29:10from Holland
29:11and even perhaps
29:12Norway.
29:13I don't need
29:14your fucking face, Sue.
29:15You don't look like
29:16the type
29:17that would
29:18call for a fight.
29:19I don't
29:20look like
29:21a character
29:22that would
29:23call for a fight.
29:24So why
29:25do you
29:26have to be
29:27my big sister,
29:28your own little sister?
29:29Is that
29:30why
29:31you're
29:32my sister?
29:33Because
29:34you're
29:35like
29:36Everyone remain calm. We're in total lockdown while we search the premises.
29:40We got her!
29:42Freeze! Put your hands up!
29:44Whoa, whoa! I work here!
29:46Huh? What happened?
29:48Ma'am?
29:49Mr. McClintock, why are there so many people of color in the Meyer White House?
29:52Mike, does President Meyer care about black people?
29:55Just moments ago, Bill Erickson, former director of White House Communications,
29:59was arrested at his Calorama home and taken into federal custody.
30:04Due to the seriousness of the crimes, and despite rumors to the contrary,
30:07a pardon is not on the table.
30:10Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today.
30:15Thank you. That's all for now.
30:18Once again, our top story tonight, disgraced presidential aide Bill Erickson goes into federal custody.
30:23This is a strong move by the president, who was under fire after a disastrous symposium on race
30:28that left some wondering if she had any control over her administration.
30:32No comment!
30:33Wow, he looks puffy on TV.
30:37Prison will get him in shape.
30:39Okay, now I just gotta blow for like five minutes, all right?
30:42When we come back, a wild day on Wall Street, and we'll go live to Nevada,
30:46where armies of staffers and volunteers for the Meyer and O'Brien campaigns
30:51are descending on the desert to monitor and manage the recount.
30:56If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out.
31:00There are no more rooms at this hotel.
31:03Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge.
31:05Do you want to take care of that?
31:08Cliff, we...
31:11Cliff?
31:14Cliff!
31:25Excuse me, are you in line?