Veep Season 7 Episode 5 Super Tuesday
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Because I signed your name on some documents.
00:02Oh my God.
00:03Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven?
00:07Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a mayor.
00:09I happened to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia
00:13and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon.
00:18Ma'am, you don't want to see this.
00:20Poll watchers are reporting that over 48,000 black voters were turned away.
00:25I think the Chinese just deliver.
00:28Oh, I need an itinerary.
00:29Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.
00:33Wait, I'm fired?
00:34I believe her words were, if I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.
00:47The latest Super Tuesday polls are in.
00:49You're up three in Texas, eight in North Carolina, up two in Massachusetts.
00:54We fly back to Virginia tonight, pop into Alabama on the way,
00:57and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City for an hour and a half rally.
01:01That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.
01:06Looks like Kemi's got full protection from the Secret Service.
01:09What kind of affirmative action bullshit is that?
01:11Here's your speech, ma'am. I dumped it down even more.
01:14Good, because the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.
01:19Kemi has been getting some death threats.
01:21Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, okay?
01:24I mean, I get some, don't I?
01:26Oh, so many.
01:27Here's a couple that came in while you were on the plane.
01:29I'm going to break your fat arms and strangle you.
01:32Wait, I don't have fat arms.
01:34That's just criminally insane and regular insane.
01:37Pick another one.
01:38Yeah.
01:39A plausible one.
01:40Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face.
01:42No.
01:43Just make up some death threats that are nicer.
01:47Okay, I'll come up with a dozen.
01:48Wait a minute. Before I go on stage, where are we now?
01:53I want to say the South.
01:57Gary, go find out where we are.
01:58Yeah.
02:04Ma'am, there is a small change to the speech.
02:06We no longer use the Rosa story.
02:08What are you talking about? It kills every time. Tears.
02:11Rosa was deported this morning.
02:13They identified her from details in your speech.
02:16Well, that's impossible because I made her up.
02:18Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee
02:22who has four kids and the exact same dad in jobs.
02:25Oh, my God, you conjured her.
02:27Yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass hole.
02:30Madam President, there is comment that a federal grand jury in New York
02:34is getting ready to indict your husband, Andrew Meyer.
02:36But there is popular rumor that he's hired a new legal team
02:39and is making a deal with prosecutors.
02:41Now, I can't hear you, so you're going to have to repeat that.
02:45You're going to have to repeat it.
02:46That can only mean one thing, ma'am. Andrew's going to flip on you.
02:49God damn it.
02:51Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in.
02:54But last I heard, he can't run for office and be in prison.
02:57Well, maybe in a house he can.
02:59Ma'am, this Andrew thing is everywhere.
03:01Your unfavorables are rising past accidental ethnic slur
03:05right into men's room incident.
03:07Oh, God.
03:08Catherine?
03:09Okay, this is the face of clinical depression, ma'am.
03:12With the hair of a mental patient.
03:14I can't remember.
03:15Listen, honey, Daddy is in hiding again,
03:19and I know he calls you to borrow money sometimes.
03:22Fight your own battles, Mother, okay?
03:24I'm really struggling right now.
03:26You know what?
03:28If anyone should be depressed, it's me.
03:30But I am stable as fuck.
03:33Your lawyer's waiting.
03:35Karen.
03:37Madam President.
03:38Oh, I'm glad to see you.
03:40You too.
03:41Andrew might be cutting a deal which would just destroy me.
03:46I have to stop you there, ma'am.
03:48Andrew has hired me as his new attorney.
03:51Oh, thank God.
03:53So you can talk him out of this deal, right?
03:55But it's a very good deal.
03:57For him.
03:58Karen.
04:00You understand that when I am elected president again,
04:06I can issue Andrew a full pardon, right?
04:10I wish you hadn't told me then.
04:12And yet I'm also glad that you did.
04:14I might be able to use it against you.
04:17I wouldn't unless I have to.
04:20Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.
04:23It's always a pleasure to see you as well.
04:26Sure.
04:27Okay, well, listen.
04:28Will you tell Andrew that I'm going to be in New York on Friday?
04:31So he can just come and talk to me directly.
04:35I can't advise my client to do that, but I might.
04:38Oh, man.
04:39Any luck with the human Mobius strip?
04:41Andrew's cutting a deal.
04:43I could go to jail.
04:44I don't look good in jumpsuits.
04:46I mean, I do, but I don't, you know.
04:48What?
04:49Ma'am, we've got incoming.
04:51I've got a buddy at WAPA who's working on a story about South Carolina
04:55and possible foreign election interference.
04:57Okay, first of all, call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole.
05:03And I don't know anything about foreign interference.
05:05And stop staring at me like I'm some sort of teenage runaway that you just strangled.
05:10Yes, ma'am.
05:11Oh, my God.
05:13First Andrew and now this Washington Post Chinese thing?
05:17I mean, my God.
05:19This is like having two different senators with their hands up my skirt,
05:23which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.
05:27Without going into any legally incriminating detail, ma'am, how deep are you?
05:33Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.
05:36Wait, so Quinn is the in-house Chinese asset?
05:39Yeah.
05:40I thought it was Kent.
05:41I assumed it was you.
05:42What's our play moving forward here?
05:44The Joseph Goebbels playbook.
05:46Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.
05:49Let's deal from the best.
05:51You need to get rid of that Chinese money, ma'am.
05:53Gary, just book me on the friendliest news show possible.
05:58Copy that. Mike, it is.
06:00Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-base.
06:03Faith-based.
06:05On religious shit ASAP.
06:07I don't know how to do that.
06:09I don't even know how to get there.
06:11Just give it to one of those gay converting Baptist colleges
06:15to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a triceratops.
06:20Wow.
06:21All right, Congressman Slenderman.
06:23I won't say his name.
06:24Now that Florida has moved its primary to Super Tuesday,
06:27we are going to stay here and focus all of our efforts.
06:29No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas
06:31so she could give me a handjob in a hot spring.
06:33It's my birthday.
06:35Your particular brand of crazy is pulling very high here in Florida,
06:39especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers,
06:42storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads.
06:45And deadbeat moms.
06:47Those are my peeps.
06:48So we are launching a brand-new fundraising initiative.
06:52Next month, donate $38 for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.
06:59$38?
07:00It's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother.
07:03If Selina Meyer did this, she'd get like $1,000
07:06because she's like 1,000 years old.
07:08Selina would kill to be 38.
07:10She's been lying about her age for years.
07:12Whatever, I'd still do her.
07:13I'm down to clown.
07:14Holy shit, Bruckheimer, when you get an abortion,
07:16you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic,
07:19not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.
07:23Well, hello, darling.
07:24Hi.
07:25What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger trowel your way out of?
07:29Uh, Jonah's rape dungeon?
07:31Oh, in your face!
07:34All right, anyway, I have the pleasure of informing you,
07:37Congressman Slenderman.
07:39I'll beat you to it.
07:40Oh, shit.
07:41All right.
07:42Our government has assigned you your very own Secret Service detail.
07:46Whoa, what?
07:47Special Agent Youngblood.
07:48Youngblood?
07:49Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.
07:51Congressman Orion, it's an honor.
07:52Oh, yeah!
07:53This is like looking in a mirror.
07:55Yeah, a hot mirror.
07:56I'll be right outside, sir.
07:57Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated,
08:00but the killer, may God guide his hand,
08:02will just have to work a little harder.
08:04Hey, can I get some of that body armor?
08:05Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy.
08:08Thank you, it pays quite well.
08:10Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening.
08:13Well, we gotta go.
08:14Will's got a full day ahead of him.
08:15Tell him what you gotta do, Will.
08:16Well, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.
08:19Which is?
08:20Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls
08:23so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.
08:26Goodbye, Amy.
08:27Jonah.
08:28Bye, Will.
08:29Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Ryan.
08:30Today you're sweating, you consider yourself a hero?
08:32Sit your hawk asses down!
08:36Not you, Richard.
08:37I'm gonna pick one of you minimum wage media monkeys
08:40to ask three pre-approved questions, pre-written by me,
08:43and she's gonna owe me for the rest of her life
08:45unless I said she and I don't mean you.
08:49Let's say I got here not a moment too soon.
08:51Because President Mayer fired you?
08:53Look, Richard, we have an incredible opportunity here.
08:57I mean, the entire country thinks that you're a hero.
08:59Well, except for the 7-Eleven truthers.
09:01They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day,
09:04but there's no Jewish people in Little Lane, so...
09:06Richard, you need a chief of staff that has real D.C. experience.
09:11Mr. Mayer, the lieutenant governor
09:13still wants to set up a time for your awards ceremony.
09:16Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan, my new chief of staff.
09:19Sure.
09:20Dan, there's no easy way to say this,
09:23but given your reputation,
09:26there's no dipping your quill in the company ink.
09:29Copy that. I mean sex.
09:31Got it.
09:32By that, I mean Willa.
09:33I wouldn't be doing my job, Madam President,
09:35if I didn't ask the question that's on everybody's mind.
09:38Is that a new hairstyle?
09:39And your ex-husband, Andrew,
09:41is about to be indicted in the Southern District of New York,
09:44which is not a question, actually.
09:46Well, what we really should be talking about
09:49is Senator Talbot's husband
09:51and the long-standing accusations against him.
09:54Oh, well, let's go with that one.
09:56That sounds juicy.
09:57Plus his tax evasion.
09:58Wait, Senator Talbot's husband is cheating on his taxes?
10:01Well, that's what people are saying.
10:03How is nobody looking into this?
10:04I mean, why isn't the press covering this?
10:06Are they biased against you?
10:08Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.
10:11You know, it's getting so you can't believe
10:13anything the media says about anyone's husband.
10:16It's really a treat for me to come on a show
10:19that's fair and impartial.
10:21When does this air?
10:23Well, it's streaming now.
10:24Oh, I see. And what time will that be?
10:26You're going to lead off with a nod
10:28to the anti-vaccination movement.
10:30Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot
10:32for something you don't even have?
10:34Yeah, I didn't get clay vaccinated
10:36because it causes autism.
10:37And now he just has a little bit of autism.
10:39Yeah, and when I was a kid,
10:41they said the best case scenario was I had autism.
10:44Fucking look at me now.
10:45Don't use that line up there.
10:47Don't yell at him,
10:48because loud noises make him flip out.
10:49Right, there's a gun in the front row.
10:51Don't...
10:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:53I made you look.
10:55You're on.
10:56Wish me luck, Michio.
10:57Hey, how you doing from Clearwater?
11:00If I could digress from my prepared remarks...
11:04How would anyone know?
11:05I want to talk about my opponent.
11:07President.
11:08Selina Meyer.
11:10Has anybody noticed that she's been
11:12like 55 years old forever?
11:14Yeah, I mean, come on.
11:15She is totally lying about her age, right?
11:18Kill her!
11:19Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.
11:21How old are you really, Selina Meyer?
11:24Huh?
11:25I mean, when are you from?
11:27When are you from?
11:30When are you from?
11:32When are you from?
11:34When are you from?
11:36When are you from?
11:38They have an actual crowd there?
11:40What, are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?
11:45Ma'am, this is not a big deal.
11:47Just show him your birth certificate.
11:49While we're at it,
11:50why don't we show him my estrogen patch prescription
11:53and a Polaroid of my stretch marks?
11:55You mean your wisdom stripes?
11:57I have always been open and transparent
12:00about how old I am.
12:02Yeah, 55.
12:03I believe it's 53.
12:04Late 40s.
12:05You're all correct.
12:06Well, look who cleans up nice.
12:08Can I get a quick fiver, Madam P?
12:09Yeah.
12:10Oh, Gary, that reminds me.
12:12I need to switch out my estrogen patch.
12:14Should I slip an all-swirl-up-her-dress-drone for you?
12:17You can surprise me.
12:18Yeah, oh.
12:20Ma'am, uh...
12:21Yeah, it's fine.
12:22They know everything.
12:24Me so complicit, me go jail long time.
12:27All right, the Houston Chronicle is reporting
12:29that Kemi voters have somehow got the idea
12:32that if they vote in the primaries,
12:34they're gonna get an IRS office.
12:40Keith, I don't want to know how you did that.
12:43Oh, well, Facebook will walk you through it step by step.
12:46You know what?
12:47Maybe it's best if you don't update us so much.
12:49But there is just one other matter.
12:51Okay.
12:52President poet Deng Dao has been arrested for...
12:55Well, they'll figure it out after they shoot him.
12:58What does that have to do with me?
12:59As the woman who freed Tibet,
13:01I'm guessing they'll want you to support them publicly.
13:04Okay, Keith, as much as I hate poetry,
13:08I'm not gonna do that.
13:10Yeah.
13:11Until this Washington Post thing blows over,
13:13we're gonna keep our wangs
13:14out of your Chinese fucking finger trap.
13:16Yeah, right.
13:17All right, I'll tell them.
13:19They insist on hearing bad news right away.
13:21Fine.
13:22Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex,
13:24you might want to ask him about his business with China.
13:30What?
13:31See what he says.
13:35Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese?
13:37I-I don't know.
13:39I mean, he's always had a thing for Asians.
13:42So do I,
13:43but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury
13:45about, you know, you and China...
13:47This is supposed to be just a little, simple bit
13:51of a matching ring!
13:53Fuck!
13:56I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like.
13:59You wear it.
14:00Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina.
14:02Hmm.
14:06March Gilright Medal of Bravery.
14:08Mayor Richard Splett of Lurleen
14:09demonstrated remarkable hair wisdom.
14:12Look at that. I'm telling you, Richard,
14:14this is just the beginning, all right?
14:16Oh.
14:17Sidney Purcell of all the mid-priced steakhouse chains
14:21in northeastern Iowa.
14:22Oh, sorry, Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell.
14:24He represents the very good people
14:26at Con Ag Chem Family Farms.
14:28Ah, well, this man needs no introduction.
14:30Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself.
14:32Would you care to join us?
14:34Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
14:35That's a great idea.
14:36You know, I'm actually really glad
14:38that I happened to run into you.
14:40There is a vote coming up in the state senate
14:43regarding pesticide regulations.
14:46That's right.
14:47And there's an empty seat up there.
14:49Do you know anything about pesticides?
14:51Not as much as I'd like.
14:52That empty seat in the state senate,
14:54it could be yours.
14:55You know, down at the feed store,
14:57they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.
14:59Well, we've paid for seven studies
15:00that say that it doesn't.
15:02Seven? Wow, seven.
15:03That's good enough for me.
15:04Lucky seven.
15:05You can't argue with science, can you?
15:07I'm gonna get some drinks.
15:08You guys stay here, talk, get to know each other.
15:10You know what I want, right, Ted?
15:11What do you want, Mayor?
15:12Well, to read those reports.
15:15Okay.
15:16I'm sorry.
15:17Um, you look so familiar to me.
15:19Did, uh, did we...
15:22Oh, no.
15:24I'm an OBGYN.
15:26You brought a woman into my clinic
15:28to have her pregnancy terminated.
15:31Could you be a little more specific?
15:33I'm actually worried she might have
15:34some sort of thyroid issue
15:35because of her eyes.
15:36Oh, Amy.
15:38Yeah, Amy.
15:39Reminds me, I got an Apple Pay here for my half.
15:42Hey, can I buy you a drink?
15:43Can you buy me half a drink?
15:45I don't know.
15:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:48This is insane.
15:50My husband has never done
15:51a legal thing in his life
15:53in his entire life.
15:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:58When women fall apart,
16:00they really fucking fall apart.
16:05Take the coconut out of my knee sleeper
16:07tomorrow morning.
16:08And you know what you need to do?
16:09You need to use tweezers this time
16:11because I really thought
16:12I could taste your fingers.
16:14I'm sorry.
16:15These, by the way,
16:16are completely hideous.
16:18Catherine heard this.
16:19Oh.
16:20Oh, that's too much.
16:22It is.
16:23But thank you.
16:24What?
16:25Leaving late.
16:26Okay, yeah.
16:27Got your message.
16:30Wow, I've been trying
16:31to track you down for days.
16:33Hearing you say that
16:34really takes me back.
16:37Ha.
16:38Okay.
16:39Out.
16:40Excuse me.
16:41I have work to do.
16:43Are you really trying
16:45to cut a fucking deal here?
16:47Whatever.
16:48I mean, my God,
16:49do you understand
16:50this could cost me
16:51the presidency, Andrew?
16:52I had no choice.
16:53Oh, that's what you said
16:54about Catherine's
16:55freshman year roommate.
16:56She had done a gap year abroad.
16:57She was not a true freshman.
16:59And now I'm hearing about you
17:02and the Chinese.
17:03That's funny.
17:04You're the third person
17:05who's asked me about that
17:06this week.
17:07A U.S. attorney,
17:08a reporter from
17:09the Washington Post.
17:10Since when are you
17:11doing business with him?
17:12Actually, you.
17:13Your name is all over.
17:14I really married
17:15that gay guy
17:16my mother liked.
17:17A couple of years ago,
17:18a few Beijing businessmen
17:19approached me,
17:20and they wanted
17:21the investment expertise
17:22of the former president's
17:23disbarred ex-husband.
17:24No big deal.
17:25And we cleaned
17:26a teeny tiny bit of money
17:27through the Meyer Fund.
17:28Low nine figures.
17:29And that faith-based thing
17:30was a godsend.
17:31Wait a minute.
17:32You're not
17:33talking about
17:35Wait a minute.
17:36You know Keith Quinn?
17:37I know him as Luther.
17:38We met in Macau
17:39at the shark fights.
17:40Do you want me
17:41to take the raisins out?
17:42Out!
17:43Yep.
17:44Yes!
17:46If we could find
17:47a fall guy...
17:50Gary?
17:52I honestly,
17:53I don't think
17:54people are gonna buy
17:55that a guy who calls
17:57vaginas
17:58crinkum crankums
18:00is gonna be able
18:01to pull off
18:02some sort of
18:03million dollar fraud.
18:04Come on.
18:05Well, it, uh,
18:06it would absolutely
18:07destroy Catherine,
18:08but, um...
18:12Martyr?
18:14That's kind of perfect.
18:16Besides,
18:17women's prison.
18:18Yeah.
18:19Wall to wall,
18:20crankum crankum.
18:21I'm not touching you.
18:22Oh, okay.
18:23I'm not touching you.
18:24Thank you for looking into that.
18:25Jonah, we still need
18:26a copy of your birth certificate,
18:28and the New Hampshire
18:29vital records office
18:30cannot find it, so...
18:31Oh, yeah.
18:32No, that makes sense.
18:33I was born in Toronto.
18:34Toronto...
18:36Canada.
18:37I don't know.
18:38Just cancel the press conference.
18:40Absolutely not.
18:41Do you have any idea
18:43how crazy
18:44all of this talk
18:45about Selena's age
18:46must be making her?
18:48We are turning
18:49the screws
18:50on that miserable
18:52poultry net.
18:53Ha ha ha!
18:55Jesus, Amy.
18:57God, is that
18:58what a real orgasm
18:59feels like?
19:00Ugh,
19:01do we even have those?
19:02That's what
19:03I've been telling you.
19:04All right, fine.
19:05I'll call my mom.
19:07Oh, and I should probably
19:08call Rick's mom, too,
19:09just because she's probably
19:10still pretty sore
19:11from last night
19:12when I was all up
19:13in that puss-eye.
19:14In that puss-eye.
19:16In that puss-eye.
19:18Well, what are you
19:19gonna do about it?
19:20Ah!
19:21Ow!
19:22Marjorie,
19:23I'd love to talk to you
19:24for a second
19:25about the Meyer Fund.
19:26There's something I'd like
19:27to speak with you about
19:28as well, ma'am.
19:29Oh, okay.
19:30As you know,
19:31I'm a very
19:32traditional woman,
19:33though I do seek to topple
19:34the patriarchy
19:35by queering
19:36heteronormative tropes.
19:37Are you talking about
19:38your outfit?
19:39As I was saying.
19:40I love your daughter
19:41very much.
19:42I know that you do,
19:43Marjorie,
19:44um,
19:45pomiade,
19:46and I have to say
19:47that I love the work
19:48that you do
19:49on the Meyer Fund
19:50very much.
19:51Thank you, ma'am.
19:52Although I personally
19:53don't know anything
19:55about it,
19:56because you're the
19:57complete mastermind
19:58behind it, right?
20:00I think I can see you
20:01nodding your head yes.
20:04Are you recording
20:05this conversation, ma'am?
20:06That is a bizarre
20:07thing to say.
20:08Well, the flowers
20:09have been moved.
20:10Um...
20:12Andrew's phone.
20:13I refuse to allow you
20:14to implicate me
20:15in your financial misdeeds,
20:16ma'am.
20:17They're not misdeeds.
20:18They were
20:19exploited opportunities.
20:21Oh, there's my phone.
20:22Yes, she found it.
20:23I'll spare Catherine
20:24this shameful episode.
20:25Despite the fact
20:26that you are taking
20:27of the most
20:28reprehensible people
20:29I have ever met.
20:30What?
20:31Where did that come from?
20:32Seriously.
20:33By some magical combination
20:34of abuse and neglect
20:36managed to create
20:37the perfect daughter.
20:38Oh, well.
20:39And that's why
20:40I would like to ask
20:41both of you
20:42for Catherine's
20:43hand in marriage.
20:44Oh!
20:45Well, you have
20:46our blessing.
20:47Yes, you have
20:48our blessing.
20:50Absolutely.
20:51Thank you very much.
20:52Can I ask you
20:53a question, Marjorie?
20:54Of course, ma'am.
20:55Why would you
20:56leave me out?
20:57When I can get
20:58the milk for free.
20:59Very good, ma'am.
21:00What?
21:01I'm leaving now.
21:02For the record.
21:03It's that I'm not
21:04a...
21:05Oh, God.
21:08Lee?
21:11I honestly
21:12never thought
21:13it would come to this,
21:14but I've had
21:15a suitcase packed
21:16and ready to go
21:17by the door
21:18for the last 20 years.
21:19What?
21:20I still have
21:21Meemaw's boat.
21:22The Labor Day?
21:23You told me it sank.
21:24I told you
21:25I reported it
21:26sunk to insurance,
21:27and I could
21:28take it down to Cuba,
21:29and from there,
21:30you know I've long
21:31felt a deep connection
21:32with the land of Israel
21:33and their
21:34non-extradition treaty.
21:36You can't just
21:37disappear,
21:38and I can't have people
21:39thinking I'm Jewish
21:40or right in the middle
21:41of the primaries.
21:42It's the best thing
21:43for both of us.
21:44The only thing
21:45they have on you
21:46is me.
21:47Well, that's the most
21:48romantic thing
21:49you've ever said to me.
21:50But I'm gonna need
21:51some walking around money.
21:52There we go.
21:53What?
21:54Fuck.
21:57Fuck.
21:58Can you give me 24 hours?
22:00Yes, yes.
22:05I guess this is goodbye.
22:07I guess so.
22:10Well,
22:12goodbye.
22:18Hey, Andrew,
22:19what are you doing?
22:20Oh, yeah,
22:21I should probably
22:22go out the back door.
22:23Your false accusations
22:24are working, ma'am.
22:25Oh, then they're
22:26no longer false.
22:27It's basically
22:28a two-woman race
22:29to see who is less
22:30offensive to the
22:31American people.
22:32That's the best
22:33explanation of democracy
22:34I've ever heard.
22:35Also, they found
22:36Rosa Sanchez
22:37in El Salvador.
22:38Who?
22:39The fake real woman
22:40from your speech
22:41just in the nick of time.
22:42She was about to be
22:43stoned by the
22:44local child army.
22:45Okay, guys,
22:46um, last night...
22:47I don't like when
22:48people feel they have
22:49to get closer
22:50to talk to me.
22:51It usually means
22:52something.
22:53I saw Andrew.
22:54Prosecution rests.
22:55We talked about
22:56a trip he might take
22:58out of the country.
23:00I will add tampering
23:01to our list of charges.
23:02But if we were able
23:03to give him
23:04a going-away gift,
23:06uh, he might be able
23:07to turn it into
23:08a staycation.
23:10And bribery.
23:11Gary?
23:13Yes?
23:14How much is left
23:15in that whole
23:16faith space?
23:18Faith-based.
23:19I spent it all
23:21on Bibles for the homeless.
23:25You spent millions...
23:28Yes, yes, I did.
23:30...on leather-bound
23:31hobo toilet paper.
23:33Hmm.
23:34Well, I hope they don't
23:35use the New Testament
23:36for that.
23:37I need to speak
23:38with Keith Quinn.
23:39Did I do something wrong?
23:40Ma'am, go.
23:41Not Keith Quinn.
23:42Yes.
23:43What, you have
23:44a better idea?
23:45Yes, not Keith Quinn.
23:46No, go.
23:47Ma'am, ma'am, it's time.
23:48It's time.
23:49Oh, okay.
23:51I was an alcoholic.
23:52I was in a relationship
23:54with a blonde,
23:55uncaring,
23:56thug-eyed
23:57rageaholic.
23:58I used to work with someone
23:59just like that.
24:00Oh, my gosh, folks.
24:01Our best friend of the show,
24:03President Selina Meyer,
24:04is on the line
24:05calling us today.
24:06Hello, Mike.
24:07How are you?
24:08Great.
24:09Hope you got the invite
24:10for the baby shower.
24:11Hint, we could still
24:12use the changing table
24:13or bye-bye ping-pong.
24:14Oh, that's actually
24:15a cute name.
24:16Are you gonna keep that?
24:17Munch!
24:18I'm calling
24:19because I wanted
24:20to talk to you
24:21about Senator Talbott's
24:22husband.
24:23I have been hearing
24:24from hardworking
24:25American people
24:26from all walks of life
24:28that what he's into
24:30is way beyond tax fraud.
24:32I need some help
24:33for me ex.
24:34From your friends
24:35in the east?
24:36Oh, I thought we were
24:37putting our little arrangement
24:38on the back burner.
24:40Madam President,
24:41Senator Talbott
24:42has just released
24:43a statement.
24:44I'm gonna read it
24:45so I get it right.
24:46You are simply
24:47attacking her family
24:48from your own problems
24:49and that you are the one
24:50who is guilty of fraud.
24:51Guess what, Mike?
24:52I have a special announcement.
24:54My daughter, Catherine,
24:56is getting married
24:58to her lady friend, Marjorie.
25:00That's amazing.
25:01Isn't that great, buddy?
25:02Well, the Bible
25:03is actually very clear.
25:04Um, but now I have to run.
25:05It's been such fun
25:07talking with you
25:08and I'm sure
25:09we'll connect later.
25:10So, Andrew?
25:13I'll take care of it.
25:14Okay.
25:15Any date for the wedding?
25:16Huh?
25:17Any date for the wedding?
25:18Oh, who gives a shit?
25:19This has been
25:20a very difficult decision,
25:21but, no,
25:22I will not be running
25:23for state senate.
25:24There's just so many things
25:25I still want to do
25:26for the good people
25:27here in Lurleen.
25:28Like my own pet issue,
25:29which, as many of you know,
25:30is pet issues.
25:31And I certainly hope
25:32I'm not letting anyone down,
25:33especially my new friend, Sydney.
25:34Are you referring
25:35to Sydney Purcell,
25:36the Con Ag Chem fam?
25:37I'm so sorry
25:38that you don't have
25:39any time for more questions.
25:40Actually, Dan,
25:41that did sound
25:42like a question.
25:43Yes, Sydney Purcell,
25:44the super generous guy,
25:45offered me all sorts
25:46of great stuff,
25:47like a brand-new
25:48kitchen appliance,
25:49or a brand-new hot tub,
25:50like the Lieutenant Governor has.
25:51But I'm not supposed
25:52to talk about that.
25:53Mayor's Club,
25:54are you saying
25:55that Con Ag Chem
25:56made you an offer
25:57to run for office?
25:58No, no,
25:59that's not what he said.
26:00He didn't say that.
26:01No, no, no,
26:02Dan is right.
26:03Sydney made the offer.
26:04Con Ag Chem is a company.
26:05Can't talk.
26:06It's hilarious
26:07they're a talking company.
26:08Where would the mouth even be?
26:09Ma'am,
26:10the press is out there
26:11waiting for you.
26:12Rosa is going to spend
26:13the night here in Boston.
26:15No mini-barque.
26:16This sit-down
26:17is going to give us
26:18a nice little boost
26:19for the Latino vote.
26:20All right.
26:21Hold up.
26:22Ma'am, I'm sorry,
26:23there's no easy way
26:24to tell you this.
26:25Oh.
26:26Your mother's boat,
26:27the Labor Day,
26:28exploded off the coast
26:29of Florida this afternoon.
26:30Andrew was the only
26:31person on board.
26:34No, uh-uh,
26:35because he was
26:36going to Cuba.
26:39Allegedly.
26:42Ma'am,
26:43maybe we could just
26:44cancel this Rosa thing.
26:46No.
26:47The Latino vote, Ben.
26:53I'm so sorry.
26:54He was my ex-husband.
27:05Hello.
27:06Oh, wow.
27:08Rosa.
27:09Oh, my good friend.
27:12That's not Rosa.
27:13No.
27:14Oh!
27:15There she is.
27:17That must be your mother.
27:19My sister.
27:20Your sister.
27:22Familia.
27:23Rosa, you have had
27:25quite a journey.
27:27They put me on a plane
27:28and sent me to Mexico.
27:29That's terrible.
27:31I did nothing wrong.
27:32No, well,
27:33I did nothing wrong.
27:35I'm just trying to run
27:37for president here.
27:38You don't know how lucky
27:39you have it, really,
27:40to tell you the truth.
27:41I mean,
27:42the next thing you know,
27:43everything can change.
27:45It just goes
27:46like that, right?
27:48Okay.
27:49I think we need to
27:50wrap this up here.
27:52We've got a busy schedule.
27:53I just want to say
27:54thank you, President Montes.
27:56Sure, why not?
27:57God bless you.
27:58Madam President,
27:59quick question.
28:01I want to be alone.
28:12Mom, I can't believe
28:13that you ruined
28:14Marjorie's proposal
28:15all over the Internet.
28:17Catherine,
28:18I have just gotten
28:19some terrible news
28:20about your father
28:22being lost at sea.
28:24And you are up my ass
28:26about some proposal bullshit?
28:29For real?
28:30Too late, Catherine.
28:31Too late.
28:35Hey now,
28:36you're not a grilled chicken
28:37Caesar in a Miller light.
28:38I need to talk to you.
28:39Oh, sure.
28:40I'm all ears, m'lady.
28:42Was it you?
28:44Excuse me?
28:45Andrew is blown up.
28:47Did you do that?
28:49Did you fucking do that?
28:51Hey, hey, hey!
28:54I have no idea
28:55what you're talking about,
28:56Madam President.
28:57But you did say
28:58to take care of it.
29:00No, I didn't.
29:01I said for you
29:02to pay him off.
29:03I distinctly remember you
29:04saying
29:06take care of it.
29:07Okay, sure.
29:08But I didn't say it
29:09in a take care of it
29:11kind of way.
29:12I just said
29:13take care of it.
29:14And it was pretty clear.
29:15You said
29:16take care of it
29:17and then
29:18you gave me
29:19a look.
29:20Not a blow him to kingdom
29:22fucking con look.
29:24No, no, no.
29:25Listen, your eyebrows
29:26did not move at all.
29:27Because I have had Botox.
29:30I abhor violence
29:32of any type.
29:33Yes, yes.
29:34Okay?
29:35But I have seen plenty
29:36of blow him up looks.
29:37Oh, I'm sorry.
29:39Okay.
29:42Oh.
29:43Oh, my God.
29:45Let me get you
29:46some tissues.
29:47Okay.
29:48Okay?
29:59I'm going back
30:00to my room.
30:01Oh, okay, okay.
30:05It's okay, Catherine.
30:07Catherine, Mommy's here.
30:09Mommy's here.
30:11Okay, Mommy has to go.
30:13Mommy has to go.
30:19Sorry, Catherine.
30:21Mommy's here.
30:22What do you think it says?
30:24I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.
30:25When do the new Kents come out?
30:27Do we have any friends at State?
30:29We have to find someone
30:30who can read Mandarin
30:31but have no idea
30:32what it means.
30:33Like a brain damaged Chinaman.
30:34Or woman.
30:35Or woman.
30:36Sorry.
30:37Or the adopted child
30:38of someone
30:39who has brain damage.
30:43Do you know what would help
30:44sell this birth certificate,
30:46Professor,
30:47is actually finding
30:48the fucking birth certificate.
30:49Yeah, I know.
30:50God, Mom,
30:51don't you have a file
30:52marked important shit
30:53that has baby teeth in it?
30:55My VHS copy of Night Eyes 2
30:57starring Shannon Tweed?
30:58Yes, yes,
30:59and that's the first place
31:00I looked.
31:02What's that?
31:03Oh, there it is.
31:04Okay, Joni,
31:05we really need to talk.
31:06No, we don't have time to talk.
31:07America is waiting
31:08for my leadership.
31:09Oh, excuse me.
31:10I think I'm going to be sick.
31:14Uh-oh,
31:15I think I know
31:16what that's about.
31:19Hey, young boy.
31:21You know,
31:22I think you're doing
31:23a great job, sir.
31:26I have repeatedly called
31:29for Selena Meyer
31:30to release her birth certificate,
31:32but as everybody
31:33on my elementary school
31:34playground knows,
31:35I am not afraid
31:36to show you mine.
31:37In fact,
31:38here it is.
31:39This is my birth certificate.
31:42Name,
31:44Jonah Joy Ryan.
31:46Weight, six pounds.
31:47Length, 26 inches.
31:49Yeah, that's right, 26 inches.
31:51Mother, Nancy Kincannon.
31:53Father...
31:57Excuse me.
32:01Jonah.
32:05Now it's your turn, Selena.
32:07Selena Meyer.
32:11Lloyd is my real dad.
32:14Oh, of course he is.
32:16I tried to tell you
32:17a hundred times, Joni.
32:20You want a snack?
32:21No, I'm not talking meat.
32:24Fine.
32:26Mac and cheese.
32:28I can't believe this.
32:30And ketchup.
32:31That's why we went to Canada.
32:33We didn't tell anyone
32:35because Lloyd and I
32:36are second cousins.
32:37Oh, God.
32:38Mom, that is vomitrocious.
32:41I could have been born
32:42with something wrong with me.
32:43You know what?
32:44I never thought that
32:45this would be a problem
32:46and the two of you eloped.
32:48So I just decided
32:50not to think about it.
32:52Because that's the best
32:53solution sometimes.
32:54Wait, is Lloyd still my dad?
32:56Yeah, nobody knows.
32:57But you're now
32:58officially my stepsister.
32:59Half-sister.
33:01I'm sorry, I think
33:02I'm going to be sick again.
33:04Mac and cheese is ready.
33:06Do you have any apple slices?
33:08You can have anything
33:09you want, honey.
33:10I want Lloyd
33:11to not be my dad.
33:14Me too.
33:16Ma'am,
33:17you said you weren't
33:18going to be here.
33:19Surprise.
33:20Do you want to meet
33:21baby Henry?
33:22He's so cute.
33:23Yes, but often
33:24when a child gets
33:25a new baby brother,
33:26they can feel neglected
33:28and low self-esteem.
33:30Catherine.
33:31Well, yes, exactly.
33:32And she didn't even
33:33have a baby brother.
33:34I think they feel
33:35the same way too
33:36as a dad sometimes.
33:37Yeah, so I think
33:38I should probably go
33:39and see Alan right now.
33:41Sure.
33:42Does anybody want
33:43to meet baby Henry?
33:44No.
33:45Hi, Alan.
33:46I'm your Auntie Selena.
33:48And this is Uncle Benny.
33:50And this is...
33:52Chief Strategist
33:53Kent Davidson.
33:54How do you do?
33:55Hi.
33:56Honey, can you do me a favor?
33:57You know what?
33:58I've got this piece of paper.
33:59I don't know what it says.
34:01I think maybe
34:02it's in Mandarin.
34:03Did you bring me a present?
34:04It's in the car.
34:05Cool.
34:08Let's see.
34:09I just talked to my guy
34:10in the Southern District.
34:11They're dropping
34:12the investigation
34:13into the Meyer Fund.
34:15No!
34:16Without Andrew,
34:17the whole thing
34:18just blew up.
34:19Sorry.
34:20Well, what are you gonna do?
34:21Also, the Post is spiking
34:22its election interference stories.
34:24Oh, my God!
34:26What?
34:27Is this what it feels like
34:28to be a man?
34:30Who's Montez?
34:32What? Montez?
34:34Montez.
34:35Wait a minute.
34:36Let me see what you wrote.
34:38By giving Meyer
34:39the nomination,
34:40they can ensure
34:42a Montez presidency?
34:44I want to be president
34:45when I grow up.
34:46You cannot.
34:47God damn it.
34:48We can't even commit treason.
34:50Right?
34:51What about my present?
34:52Uh, I'm giving it
34:53to your brother.
34:54More than a dozen
34:55Iowa government officials
34:56are in hot water.
34:58The Lieutenant Governor,
34:59along with several
35:00state senators,
35:01have all been arrested
35:02for accepting
35:03improper campaign contributions
35:05from ConAid Chem Family Farms.
35:07Bye-bye, Sidney.
35:09Dan, I'm glad you're here.
35:11Uh, the Governor called.
35:13He wants me to resign
35:14as mayor effective immediately.
35:15What?
35:16You didn't do anything wrong.
35:17That's what he said.
35:18He's appointing me
35:19to the new Lieutenant Governor.
35:21Yes.
35:22Richard, that is
35:23what I'm talking about.
35:24You see?
35:25You stick with me, right?
35:26Oh, now that we're
35:27moving to Des Moines,
35:28Willa is fair game.
35:29And DTF.
35:30Diverticulitis flare-up.
35:32So if you go out to eat,
35:33you can only have rice.
35:34Good to know.
35:40I've got way more
35:41foreign policy experience
35:42than that half-wit Chemie.
35:44I think it's pronounced
35:45half-white.
35:47Am I getting my meeting
35:48with President Liu?
35:49Face-to-face,
35:50I can convince anyone
35:51of anything.
35:52That's not true.
35:53Incorrect.
35:54You're both wrong.
35:55Well, you're right.
35:56114 million wires
35:58from the Seychelles
35:59to Malta,
36:00then back to the Seychelles.
36:02Invention.
36:04That is highly classified.
36:07I'm sorry, Selena.
36:09You have left me
36:10with no choice.
36:14That was your phone.