Veep Season 5 Episode 5 Thanksgiving
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TVTranscript
00:00It's time.
00:23Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty of our rich land.
00:28Especially turkey.
00:31But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday is drumstick or cranberry.
00:38Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you honey?
00:42Um, yes, I did.
00:44Yes, she did.
00:45Just hoping to get a few more details about these turkeys that I could maybe give the press.
00:49Like, are they going to hit the minibar tonight at their hotel?
00:51Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights.
00:54But, uh, I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo in Virginia after the ceremony.
00:58Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there.
01:01Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse from their own weight and
01:05die in a year or two tops.
01:08Is there a more fun way to say that?
01:11With the power vested in me, I hereby declare drumstick and cranberry pardoned from the
01:21Thanksgiving dinner table and also for tax evasion.
01:28There we go.
01:29Oh, oh, oh, I think they're trying to fly away.
01:33These birds are filthy.
01:36Dan.
01:37Hey, why have I been greened?
01:40Will you tell our friend over here?
01:41Here, take it easy.
01:42It's just a screw up with the security office.
01:44Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.
01:46I'm going to assign you to Tom James' office.
01:48They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with Congress.
01:52I'll escort him in.
01:53He's harmless.
01:54Unless you've got a sister.
01:55You looking forward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie?
01:58Oh, yes, ma'am.
01:59Where do you spend the holidays?
02:01In Maryland, ma'am.
02:02Oh, that's where I'm from.
02:03I know, ma'am.
02:04Okay, so tell Congressman Price I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys.
02:10So I'm going to expect him to wrap up that Missouri delegation when the House votes,
02:14right?
02:15Well played, ma'am.
02:16Missouri's the largest turkey-producing state in the Union.
02:18Second only to Minnesota, followed by North Carolina.
02:21Maine and Arkansas.
02:22Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag and we can wrap up Michigan.
02:26Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid.
02:29Could somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down?
02:32Oh, ma'am, latest in the Treasury is housing starts are down and unemployment's up.
02:36Any chance we can switch those?
02:38I'll turn the graphs upside down.
02:40Oh, listen, I'm not going to need you this weekend or tomorrow, so you can take that
02:44off, okay?
02:45Oh, fantastic.
02:46My husband and I are having his whole family over for turkey.
02:50Husband?
02:51You're married?
02:52Yes.
02:53Last year.
02:54250 people?
02:56No one from work.
02:57Mom?
02:58Can I have a sec?
02:59Privately?
03:00Sure, honey.
03:01What is it?
03:02Okay.
03:03Uh, well, I was just going to go meet Dad and Monica.
03:04I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving.
03:05Oh, honey, I can't.
03:06But it's the first Thanksgiving since Meemaw's gone.
03:07There's a lot to be thankful for.
03:08Well, we're doing a whole dinner at her house.
03:09I mean, it, er, well, my house.
03:10God, it still sounds so weird saying that.
03:11I'm sorry.
03:12It's okay.
03:13It's okay.
03:14It's okay.
03:15It's okay.
03:16It's okay.
03:17It's okay.
03:18It's okay.
03:19It's okay.
03:20It's okay.
03:21It's okay.
03:22It's okay.
03:23It's okay.
03:24It's okay.
03:25It's okay.
03:26It's okay.
03:27It's okay.
03:28It's okay.
03:29It's okay.
03:30It's okay.
03:31It's okay.
03:32It's okay.
03:33It's okay.
03:34It's okay.
03:35It's okay.
03:36It's okay.
03:37It's okay.
03:38It's okay.
03:39It's okay.
03:40It's okay.
03:41It's okay.
03:42It's okay.
03:43It's okay.
03:44It's okay.
03:45It's okay.
03:46It's okay.
03:47It's okay.
03:48It's okay.
03:49It's okay.
03:50It's okay.
03:51It's okay.
03:52Hey, Mom.
03:53So this is the famous White House Mess.
03:55Oh, very nice.
03:56Joanie.
03:57Yeah, isn't it?
03:58So this was renovated in 1951 by, um...
04:01Hey, uh, I'll be right back.
04:04Okay, just one second.
04:06Oh, is that the Mandarin Chicken Salad?
04:09Looks delicious.
04:10Hey, could I see your badge?
04:12My rusty sheriff's badge?
04:14Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs,
04:18but this is the White House Mess,
04:20and if you can't hear, you gotta have one of these blue bat boys.
04:23Why are you doing this, Jonah?
04:24You see the picture of Grover Cleveland?
04:26Is that a tear in his eye because he knows the rules aren't being respected?
04:31Jesus, fuck you.
04:32Excuse me, sir.
04:33We have an intruder here.
04:34No, we don't.
04:35You know, Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red glistening dog dick.
04:42Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan.
04:44Oh, you too.
04:46Oh, well, I'm ready if you are.
04:48For what?
04:49I want Mr. Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
04:52No!
04:54You don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
04:57I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
05:01Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner?
05:08Good morning.
05:09Happy Thanksgiving.
05:10Are they ready for me?
05:11Yeah.
05:12This election has just been brutal on me.
05:14My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ballsack.
05:18Please.
05:19He wishes.
05:20Ma'am?
05:21Yes?
05:22Mike just announced to the press that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday.
05:23Good.
05:24And we're monitoring a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it.
05:27God, all that exercising and glorious later still can't seem to take off a pound, right?
05:31The haircut's not doing me any favors.
05:33The South Korean PM is asking for a few minutes to discuss.
05:36Yeah.
05:37And the CDC is reporting a few more cases of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry.
05:41Tell the South Korean PM I'll give her a call later this afternoon after, you know.
05:46Wish me luck, though.
05:47Good luck.
05:48Yeah.
05:51Madam President.
05:52Dr. Abernathy.
05:53If you could please have a seat.
05:54Gary.
05:55Dr. Abernathy.
05:56You're here.
05:57I'm here to assist the President.
05:58Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this.
06:00Oh!
06:01Oh.
06:02How are you?
06:03I'm fine, thank you.
06:04I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess.
06:06You're gonna be fine.
06:07Yeah.
06:08You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
06:09In fact, I usually perform things that are a bit more complicated than a D-bagging.
06:12A D-bagging?
06:13Yes.
06:14Is that what you just said?
06:15I thought you said T-bagging.
06:16No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:17That's my department.
06:18He means that literally.
06:20He doesn't know what the other thing is.
06:22And anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time?
06:27It's quite simple.
06:28Okay.
06:29I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis.
06:31It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid.
06:34There's gonna be a little swelling and, of course, a tiny bit of bruising afterwards.
06:37Oh.
06:38Bruising?
06:39Yes, Gary, bruising.
06:40That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin.
06:42Right.
06:43It's not a problem for an actual doctor.
06:45Now, the beauty of this procedure is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday.
06:49And I'll look ten years younger.
06:51Well, that would make you a baby.
06:52Okay, it's...
06:53Shall we get started?
06:54Okay.
06:55Yeah.
06:56Gary.
06:57No.
06:58If you'll please excuse us.
06:59No, it's very easy for me just to sit right there.
07:00I've got it.
07:01Easy.
07:05Officials are reporting a somnolent outbreak that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states.
07:12POTUS is still getting permanently photoshopped.
07:15Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down.
07:18Let's send Tom James out as well.
07:20He's a tall drinker's annex.
07:22The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance.
07:26Do people not understand basic non-parametric statistics?
07:29Or how to cook a fucking turkey.
07:32Oh.
07:33Sir, you're here now.
07:34Good.
07:35So, Ben told me that apparently...
07:36We're being deployed.
07:38Operation Calm the Fuck Down.
07:40Yes.
07:41Come on in.
07:42Just the guy I wanted to see.
07:44Ooh, uh-oh.
07:45I didn't know that number.
07:47The number of the beast, Sidney Purcell.
07:49I don't know why he keeps calling me.
07:51His comprehension of the word no hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.
07:57But anyway, sir, how can I help you?
08:00Got a little something for you.
08:02Carolyn personnel owed me a favor.
08:05Oh.
08:06This is going to wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face.
08:10I think that's genetic.
08:12Now, Egan, I work a little differently to the president.
08:15As far as treating my staff, I try not to act like an alcoholic father who's just stepped on a Lego.
08:21I value openness and straight talk.
08:23You're part of the James team now.
08:25Part of my inner circle.
08:26I'm honored.
08:27So raise your right hand and repeat the oath.
08:32I'm fucking with you.
08:33Come on. Let's go.
08:35That's very good, sir.
08:36Mike, Mike, Mike.
08:37Is this a salmonella epidemic?
08:39Is the president going to make a statement?
08:41She will be making a full statement soon.
08:43Sooner than you think, but only when she's ready.
08:47Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr. Robert Weinberg from the Centers for Disease Control.
08:52Dr. Weinberg.
08:57This is not good.
08:58It's fine.
08:59Everybody's watching football. There's only a couple cases.
09:01No.
09:02Wendy's pissed.
09:03I left her at home with her folks and my folks, plus her kids.
09:07Shit.
09:08I don't even know who's at my house.
09:11I don't even know if they're in town.
09:13I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy.
09:18She still has a great rack, though.
09:23What do you think?
09:24Oh, yeah. You did great, ma'am.
09:26Oh, good.
09:27Excuse me, ma'am.
09:28Hi, guys.
09:29Doesn't she look amazing?
09:32Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.
09:35Ma'am, the salmonella outbreak has mushroomed.
09:38The case is now number over 200.
09:40Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
09:42Should I make a statement?
09:44No, that's not a good idea.
09:45No one should see you while your face is marinating.
09:50Okay.
09:51She just had ten years taken off her eyes.
09:53Yes.
09:54Well, I don't think they left yet.
09:55You just stay hidden, okay?
09:57Doctor's orders, right?
09:58What? What are you asking him for?
10:00He's not a doctor.
10:02I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of.
10:06Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University.
10:10No, you don't.
10:11Maybe we should ask the vice president to make a statement.
10:14No!
10:15He's the old face of this administration.
10:18This is the new face.
10:20It's a beautiful face.
10:22Well, you know.
10:23So, may we go ahead and ask Doyle?
10:25Fine.
10:27It really hurts to roll my eyes.
10:29Okay, yes, ask Doyle.
10:32But don't tell him why!
10:34Wow.
10:36It's okay, it's okay.
10:37Please don't keep touching me every day.
10:41First ever Thanksgiving, there's actually no turkey at all.
10:44Did you know that?
10:45Fascinating.
10:46No, no.
10:47The pilgrims, they ate deer and harvest vegetables like corn, zucchini.
10:51They yelled at Grandpa, obviously, because something was wrong.
10:54Grandpa, obviously, because some truths are eternal, but no turkey.
10:59Thank you, Senator.
11:00You're welcome.
11:01And happy Thanksgiving.
11:02And early Hanukkah.
11:03Yes.
11:04We will be right back after this short break.
11:07Love the Hanukkah bit.
11:08Good.
11:09Jonesing for a cup of coffee.
11:11I mean, sell my sweet white ass on a street corner at Jonesing.
11:15You can't tell me about it.
11:19Oh.
11:20Yeah, sure, yeah.
11:22Also, one cream, splash of half and half, one sugar, one Splenda.
11:26That's not too much trouble.
11:29Not at all.
11:30I'm vegan to please.
11:32Mr. Vice President.
11:33Ben, I would have you to the table, but my wife, she fucking hates you.
11:38As do I.
11:40And we had to throw the turkey in the trash.
11:42That's why I'm here.
11:44We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak.
11:47Oh.
11:48Why doesn't the President make it?
11:49Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery.
11:51She can't make a statement.
11:52You're fucking kidding me.
11:54Why wasn't I informed?
11:55You know, there's a system in place for this eventuality.
11:58It falls between the 24th and 26th Amendment.
12:00She hasn't been sedated.
12:02She's not incapacitated.
12:03So there was no need to invoke the 25th.
12:05Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me.
12:08She's not not incapacitated.
12:10She's just not fully capacitated.
12:13Oh, you fucking people.
12:16I mean, you treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu.
12:20So you're calm, you're confident, you exude a crotchety gravitas.
12:24We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.
12:28So I've spoken to the President.
12:30She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control.
12:34How do you feel about the term turkeypocalypse?
12:37I think that's a term invented by the media.
12:40It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right?
12:43This is amazing.
12:45He's doing okay.
12:47I got an email from that surrogate we met with.
12:50She's on board.
12:52We're putting a baby in her?
12:54Jesus, Mike, I'm gonna put a baby in you if you don't get your head in the game.
12:58Sorry.
12:59Where is the President?
13:00James, do me a favor.
13:01Next time you have a root canal, remind me.
13:03I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk.
13:06Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed.
13:08Instead, he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow.
13:11You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel.
13:17All right, who's up first?
13:19We've got Congressman Yeager.
13:21He's from Wisconsin.
13:22Is he the one with the prostitute problem?
13:25Oh, never mind. They all have that.
13:27House is like a Caligula's room.
13:29Okay.
13:30Okay, well, you got the number. That's a five.
13:32Yeah, I got it.
13:33Happy Thanksgiving. This is the President calling.
13:36Is Congressman Yeager available?
13:40See, President calling herself. That's gonna be very impressive.
13:44I would die.
13:46Yes, Madam President. Hello.
13:48Congressman Yeager, how are you?
13:51Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family.
13:54My wife and I are trying to work some things out.
13:56Prostitutes.
13:58So, I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, Congressman.
14:02Of course. The salmonella outbreak.
14:04Ma'am, have you considered making a statement?
14:06If I have learned one thing about crisis management,
14:09it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people.
14:12If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything.
14:16Bordello Bill is giving me advice.
14:18Maybe you should declare a state of emergency.
14:20Are you able to do that?
14:22Yeah, I am, but unfortunately I have to run.
14:24I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote.
14:27Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye.
14:29Oh, my God. How many more of these do we have to do?
14:32We got Congressman Coffee.
14:34Coffee. Where does he stick his dick?
14:37Here's the statement from Health and Human Services.
14:39Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel?
14:42Yeah, in the Philippines.
14:43Another 60 cases being reported,
14:46including New Hampshire Congressman Harry Sherman.
14:49Geez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender and fed it to him through a straw.
14:53Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right?
14:55Yes. We better go see the black-eyed pig.
14:58Hello?
14:59Big news, babe.
15:01Our surrogate Deborah Lee is a go.
15:03Praise Jesus. Are you kidding me?
15:05We gotta celebrate. Afternoon quickie.
15:08Where? In the basement?
15:10Not this time. Big Mike has a surprise.
15:12I got us a suite at the Willard.
15:14I'll text you the... No, I'll sext you the room number.
15:20Any news on Sherman?
15:21CNN and Fox both say he's critical,
15:24but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
15:27What is this? Is this lint?
15:30You got one of those, um...
15:31Yeah, lint brushes. Right here.
15:38That is amazing.
15:41Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee? I'm running on fumes.
15:44I'm your man.
15:47One cream,
15:49splash of half and half,
15:51one sugar,
15:53one Splenda.
16:01Fuck me.
16:03Yes, Congressman, the vice president is certainly the...
16:07the president that never was.
16:09You know what? Um, actually, I'm gonna have to call you back, Congressman.
16:13Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving. Yes.
16:16What? Sherman's dead.
16:18Oh! Oh, my God, that hurts so much.
16:21Please don't surprise me like that again.
16:23We just got word.
16:24Why couldn't they have waited until after the weekend?
16:28Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen.
16:32Say what now?
16:33We just lost the oldest member of the House,
16:35and our president can't make a statement without a paper bag on his head.
16:38You're missing the big picture.
16:40Sherman was an O'Brien diehard.
16:42That's one less vote for O'Brien and possibly one vote for us
16:46if they can hold a special election in time.
16:48New Hampshire could give us the presidency.
16:51If I'd known that, I would have killed him myself.
16:53June's uncle Jeff is flying down.
16:56He's still the kingmaker in New Hampshire.
16:58God, he is such a, like, a little man, isn't he?
17:01Yes. Fuck.
17:02What?
17:03O'Brien is offering condolences to the widow.
17:05We gotta get somebody to say something about Sherman.
17:08Not Doyle. Anyone but the Veep.
17:10We gotta lance that Doyle.
17:12No promises, ma'am.
17:13What? No promises.
17:15Come on.
17:18What is that?
17:19Oh, it's your Thanksgiving meal.
17:21Why are there two place settings?
17:22You know Charlie's not coming, right?
17:24I do.
17:25That was just for in case you wanted someone to sit with you.
17:29Not to eat, just to talk.
17:32Or be quiet.
17:34I'm not hungry.
17:35Me neither.
17:36You again?
17:37Sherman's dead.
17:38We need you to make another statement.
17:40What is dental surgery code for anyway, Ben?
17:43I mean, is it like anal bleaching?
17:45Because if it is, you should just come out and say that
17:48because the American people, they'll accept it.
17:50In time.
17:51Be honest with you, sir.
17:53She's not looking real good.
17:54And I'll be honest with you.
17:56I don't think you're being honest about being honest.
17:58So, you know what? I want to see the president.
18:01That won't be necessary.
18:03No more messengers, Ben.
18:04If she wants me to do her bullshit,
18:06she can tell me out of her own shining white asshole.
18:10Today's media go-round was a tour de force.
18:14More like a waste of time.
18:17Well, maybe you thought I was too busy sorting through your junk mail folder
18:21to realize you mentioned things like zucchini and Atlantic City and Pfizer.
18:27All clients, of course, of Sydney.
18:29Why is that guy calling me Purcell?
18:31I used a lot of other words, too.
18:34I'm pretty sure I said be and also careful.
18:41I don't know what your endgame is, but I want in.
18:45I'll bring you back human ears for a necklace.
18:47I am your guy.
18:51Didn't you have a nervous breakdown?
18:55It was not a breakdown.
18:57It was just a little bit of psychological indigestion.
19:00You just got back from Nevada.
19:02You lost the recount.
19:03It's got to be a pretty stressful time.
19:05Seems to me like you're spinning out.
19:07At least that's what I'm going to have to tell everyone.
19:10Which would be a shame.
19:13You're right.
19:14I don't even know what we were talking about.
19:16We were talking about your mental state, Dan.
19:22Your lips are looking a little dry.
19:24I just want to see if I have that balm.
19:26Oh, goody.
19:28Ben is bringing over Vice President Doyle.
19:30He insisted on seeing you.
19:32Forgive me, but you have to be nice to him.
19:36What? I know that.
19:38Why is everybody always telling me to be nice?
19:41All right.
19:42Oh, here.
19:46Jesus Horatio Christ.
19:48Andrew.
19:50Wow.
19:51Needless to say, I did not have root canal.
19:54Thanks, guys. I got it.
19:56Sit down, please.
19:57Can I just say how much I appreciate
20:01your coming down on your Thanksgiving
20:04and giving it up to come here.
20:06Sherman may have been from the other side of the aisle,
20:08but he's a decent guy.
20:10I still use the word colored.
20:12Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right?
20:14You can cut the shit, Selina.
20:16I have barely seen you for two months.
20:19Well, apologies.
20:20Okay, listen.
20:21How about that?
20:22I will go out there with my golden boy smile,
20:25give him the Doyle dazzle.
20:27Okay.
20:28But there's something I want in return.
20:30I want to be considered for Secretary of State.
20:33It's the job I've always wanted.
20:36Hugh said that he would give it to me
20:38if he won a second term,
20:40and he also said he'd kick you off the ticket.
20:43See, there's that Doyle dazzle.
20:46And I'm a big fan of it.
20:49Andrew, I'm a woman of my word,
20:53and you have my word.
20:56Fair enough.
20:57Oh, I'm sorry.
20:59I'm a woman of my word.
21:02Fair enough.
21:03Okay, good.
21:04All right.
21:05Say, did Ben do this to you?
21:06Because I can get you to a shelter.
21:08That's so funny.
21:09No, seriously.
21:10I know he says he loves you,
21:12but if you don't press charges,
21:13he's going to kill you someday.
21:15I love it.
21:16Domestic abuse jokes.
21:17They just tickle me.
21:20As most of you already know,
21:22Congressman Harry Sherman passed away today
21:25in a hospital near his home
21:28Hey, I've got something for you guys.
21:30Something big.
21:31I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell.
21:35Up to what?
21:36At each of today's programs,
21:38he mentioned one of Purcell's clients.
21:40I mean, zucchini, Pfizer, farmed salmon.
21:43Tom is not that stupid.
21:45There's a clear pattern,
21:46and I noticed it,
21:47so I confronted him with the evidence.
21:49And?
21:50And he said that I was crazy.
21:52You know what it could be?
21:53What?
21:54That you are fucking crazy.
21:56You were foaming at the mouth during the election.
22:01Tom James.
22:02It was a fucking panic attack.
22:04Tom James.
22:07Goddamn panic attack.
22:09You know it was a fucking panic attack.
22:12Well done.
22:13Congratulations, Ms. McClintock.
22:17Listen, Peter,
22:18I have some giblets and five really hungry people,
22:21so I'm going to need you to be really quick.
22:23No problem.
22:24Fastest gun in D.C.
22:28Do you smell something?
22:30No, nothing.
22:32Just a whiff of romance.
22:34No, I smell something.
22:35Mm-mm.
22:36You didn't smell anything?
22:37Mm-mm.
22:38So what is this Tom James guy like?
22:40Is he tall?
22:41I should get back to work.
22:42The president needs me.
22:43Well, you just got here.
22:45Why don't you tell me about Vegas?
22:46Did you two girls have fun?
22:48Well, one of us did,
22:50but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
22:53Jesus, Ford, the final time,
22:55it was not Vegas.
22:57Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids.
22:59No.
23:00Jordan!
23:01I'll get it.
23:02Do not make me call your fathers.
23:04What the fuck?
23:05You're not answering your phone?
23:06My family hid it.
23:07All right, well, look, I got to run something by you.
23:09I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman.
23:12Who's there, honey?
23:13Just Dan.
23:14Oh, God, bring him in.
23:16It's Thanksgiving.
23:17Please don't make me.
23:19I spoke to the governor.
23:20New Hampshire is going to hold a special election
23:22for the seat before Christmas.
23:24Butt.
23:25Sounds like a big goddamn butt.
23:26Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams butt.
23:32Sherman's widow is about to announce
23:34that she is running for the seat.
23:36I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
23:40We've got a list of vetted names here.
23:42Well, great, why don't you send them right over to me?
23:44I'm running low on toilet paper.
23:45Excuse me?
23:46You don't give me names, Beardo.
23:49No, I give you names, so take your list,
23:51roll it up real tiny,
23:52attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon,
23:54and have it fly up Tubby's dick.
23:57So who's your choice?
23:58You know, I'm grooming my nephew, Ezra.
24:00Heard a lot of great things about Ezra.
24:02Brilliant.
24:03Handsome.
24:04Wife's a solid eight.
24:05After kids, probably still be a seven.
24:07Mark my words, he will be president someday.
24:10But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan.
24:14Besides, for anyone to beat the widow,
24:16they're gonna have to fight dirty,
24:17and I don't shit where I eat.
24:19Well, me neither.
24:20Not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper.
24:22We need a real piece of cannon fodder here.
24:25Some spectacular dumbass
24:27willing to charge this machine gun nest,
24:30sacrifice his name and reputation,
24:32and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in.
24:35So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?
24:39There's only one name on it.
24:42For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the turkey.
24:44That's because I have a special recipe for farmed salmon
24:47with a side of zucchini.
24:49See, they're both clients.
24:50Well, what does it mean?
24:52I don't know.
24:53He doesn't know. Why would he know?
24:55So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie.
24:58What would you like?
25:00You know, I would love a little bit of both.
25:02Oh, you want both, do you?
25:04Yeah, why not?
25:05You know, I'll tell you why not, you shit-sack Casanova.
25:08You have had sex with both of my daughters.
25:10Have you no shame?
25:12Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out.
25:14You know what it is?
25:15You want to fuck my wife too, don't you?
25:17That's it.
25:18Good night, Brookheimers.
25:19Bye, Dan.
25:20Bye.
25:22Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless.
25:25Oh, jeez.
25:26Wow, that is some overbite.
25:28It's like a were-rabbit.
25:30Well, I was advanced for my age.
25:32I had all my adult teeth by age four.
25:34I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age.
25:36Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
25:38Okay, Jeff, I should tell you
25:39that there's not enough white meat to go around.
25:41And I don't want to repeat a 79.
25:43Whatever.
25:44Listen, the reason I'm here,
25:45now that Sherman is dead,
25:46there is going to be a special election
25:48back home for the seat.
25:50And...
25:51Oh, you want me to canvas for Cousin Ezra, the war hero?
25:55No, I want you to run.
25:59You want me to run his campaign?
26:01No, Joe, I want you to run for the seat.
26:12Johnny?
26:14Dear Lord, who guides me and nourishes me,
26:18I set foot on this path that you have laid before me
26:21with a strong arm and a willing heart
26:24to totally rock this shit.
26:26Amen.
26:28The Jonah Ryan story.
26:30Chapter five.
26:31The house kneels before the fucking J-man.
26:34I'm running for Congress.
26:36I'm running for Congress.
26:38I'm running for the fucking J-man.
26:40I'm running for Congress.
26:41Oh, my God, that's great.
26:43Actual Congress or some fancy Lee Congress?
26:45Of course, up against the widow Sherman,
26:47it's going to be like climbing Mount McKinley
26:49with your balls stapled to a piano.
26:51He's got my vote.
26:52Bless her heart.
26:53Ain't a challenge for an inventor
26:54Jonah Ryan can't do.
26:55Ice bucket challenge.
26:56Be back after that.
26:57Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.
26:59Well, it did raise a lot of awareness
27:00for whatever ALS is.
27:01Who is this man?
27:03Richard Splett.
27:04Splett?
27:05Splett.
27:06Ah, okay.
27:07Just for one term here, Jonah,
27:09you're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
27:12Once I'm in, I'm in.
27:14I went to the White House on a three-week placement.
27:17I'm a MRSA infection.
27:18You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
27:20Listen to me, all right?
27:22I'm not asking you.
27:23I am telling you.
27:24Yeah, but it's not my fault
27:25if Cousin Ezra ends up eating my nut dust
27:28and becoming the goofy Paul Simon
27:29to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
27:32Could I talk to you down here just a minute?
27:33Yeah.
27:34Now, listen to me.
27:35You walking trice in me.
27:36I could get dog shit in a condom
27:38elected in New Hampshire.
27:40You are my puppet.
27:41I let you dance,
27:42and when I stuff you back in the toy box
27:44to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful
27:47I ever let your wooden-painted face
27:49take the stage.
27:50Now, do you or do you not understand me?
27:54Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
27:56Jeff!
27:58Hey, leave it.
27:59I don't want you screaming and joking.
28:01Congratulations, sir.
28:02May I be the first to join your campaign?
28:04Absolutely, Chief of Staff.
28:06Please let me earn it.
28:07There will be a vetting process.
28:13Okay, I'll just take a few questions first,
28:16and I'll bring you up again, okay?
28:17All right.
28:18Oh, hey, is it possible to get some
28:20if you were to make love in a turkey's bed?
28:24I'm sorry?
28:25I should add the turkeys were no longer there.
28:28Never mind. I'll be back.
28:30Mike, where is he?
28:33You want to see me, ma'am?
28:34How'd it go with the New Hampshire Napoleon?
28:37He's, uh, got a lot of ideas.
28:39Yeah? Good.
28:40Oh, my God.
28:41Would you look at this?
28:44Somewhere in the world, there's a woman
28:46exactly my age getting her pussy eaten,
28:48and I'm stuck here watching this.
28:50I gotta get out there.
28:57When Admiral Berger first suggested this trip,
29:00it seemed like a very small sacrifice
29:02to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving
29:05with my beloved daughter, Catherine,
29:07and travel here to be with our brave sailors and marines!
29:16And ladies and gentlemen of the press,
29:18I want to thank you for your understanding
29:20as to the secrecy of this trip
29:23and why I've had to be incommunicado
29:26for the last few days.
29:27I also want to take this opportunity
29:29to introduce Congressman Bill Yeager
29:31from the 1st District in the great state of Wisconsin!
29:35They're ready for you, ma'am.
29:36How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie?
29:38It was nice, ma'am.
29:40Where were you?
29:41Maryland, ma'am.
29:43Oh, that's where I'm from.
29:44I know, ma'am.
29:47Okay.
29:48What?
29:49What just happened?
29:51I can't even look at her.
29:53All right.
29:54All right.
29:55Who's ready for some piping hot tofurkey?
29:57Where are the tongs?
29:58Ma'am, I'd be happy to hold your sunglasses for you.
30:00Oh, no, no.
30:01I'm good.
30:02That's tofurkey.
30:04It's made from wheat, protein, and organic tofu.
30:08There you go.
30:10We're going to have a mutiny.
30:11We're going to have a mew.
30:13Let's get some meat on your bones.
30:15Or we'll put this on your bones.
30:16We just got a text from Ben.
30:18He said your trip is playing really well.
30:20Keep waving the flag.
30:22And Jonah's running for Congress in New Hampshire.
30:25What?
30:26What?
30:29What is that?
30:31Oh, my God.
30:37Here.
30:42Shit.
30:43I bet you there's about 20 pieces of corn in here.
30:46Could be more.
30:47Probably fit a lot of corn in there.
30:49Oh, my God.
30:51Death.