Veep Season 7 Episode 3 Pledge
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00:00I love you too, Tom. Go fuck yourself.
00:03There's our new leader.
00:05Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
00:07Okay, well, you're about to see how a campaign is really...
00:11No, that's not him.
00:13The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tannis told me you were the best, and because...
00:18Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.
00:21Is chocolate bad for dogs?
00:23Oh, not bad. Definitely.
00:24Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
00:27Well, they're both equally good people.
00:29I would like to schedule an appointment. It's for an abortion.
00:31Have you met Senator Talbot?
00:33I'd like to say she's the future of the party.
00:35She's running for president?
00:43Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy!
00:46As a woman, and a woman of color, I know these struggles firsthand.
00:52Whose time is it?
00:53Our time!
00:54When is our time?
00:57Let me hear you! Whose time is it?
01:00It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the Yuzmatoz,
01:04and then filled her all up with Snoozely Scuzz.
01:07How is this possibly even working for her?
01:10Sociopolitically, protest chants have proved an effective method...
01:13Off.
01:14Kimmy's crowds are huge.
01:16You know what else is huge, Amy?
01:18Not even really showing.
01:20You look beautiful.
01:21And how about the 24 hours a day free media coverage that she's getting?
01:25MSNBC has something on you.
01:27Put it on this eye thing.
01:29...pain showing signs of trouble.
01:31Oh, Christ.
01:32Andrew Myer, husband of President Selina Myer...
01:34Ex-husband.
01:35Okay, everything looks great. Ready when you are.
01:37I know.
01:38Let's go, ma'am. We're all waiting for you.
01:40Here we go.
01:41Hello!
01:48No, this is great. This is great.
01:50Okay!
01:52University of Iowa!
01:56People come up to me, they say,
01:58why do you want to be president?
02:02And I say, it's time to finish the unfinished business of four years ago.
02:09Say it with me.
02:11Time to finish the unfinished business.
02:15Without the four years ago.
02:17Okay.
02:19Iowa, what do we want?
02:21Time to finish the unfinished business.
02:24No, not new Selina, no!
02:27What do we want?
02:29When I say shit, you say show.
02:31Of four years ago.
02:38I was so far ahead.
02:39How are you losing Iowa?
02:42And did you see the new cover of Time magazine?
02:45Yes, our angels re-enter.
02:47I had a tummy fever.
02:48Three exclamation points.
02:49It's a pandemic.
02:50Well, somebody sneezed on our campaign,
02:52now we're bleeding out our assholes.
02:54Hi, guys!
02:55Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule.
02:57What?
02:58You're making an appearance at the Waterloo County Fair.
03:00Block and tackle retail politics.
03:02Yeah, retail.
03:03Eat a few corn dogs.
03:05Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food.
03:09I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.
03:11Okay, folks, where is Keith Quinn?
03:15I have the New York Times interviewing him about running the campaign.
03:18Maybe somebody should be interviewing the Times
03:20about why they write so much about modern dance.
03:2336 hours in Snoozeville.
03:25That was my major.
03:26Okay, how are we going to RU486 Kemi's campaign?
03:31No offense, Amy.
03:32Mom, do you have to act that way?
03:34I mean, Kemi is super impressive.
03:37And I'm not going to lie, ma'am, very much my type.
03:40You're kidding.
03:41Clearly I have a thing for strong women.
03:43What's happening?
03:44Strong women, my God.
03:45Pick Elaine.
03:46Jesus.
03:47Ma'am, Kemi just picked up two senators in a union.
03:49A good union or like teachers?
03:51Local 74 Iowa asbestos workers.
03:53Wow.
03:54Okay.
03:55There you go.
03:56Actually, my uncle's a shop steward in the 74.
03:58Asbestos killed him.
03:59Oh, no.
04:00I'm sorry, Richard.
04:01Asbestos was the name of their pit bull.
04:03It was a rescue that killed his first owner.
04:05That's why you have to go to breeders.
04:06Okay, order, order.
04:07First item, debate prep.
04:09That's how we beat Kemi.
04:11Fine.
04:12Stupid handshakes, opening statement,
04:15thank you to date rape university.
04:18First question.
04:19Madam President, how do you explain the accusations
04:22the Meyer Fund and your husband Andrew Meyer
04:24stole millions from you?
04:25Oh, no.
04:26Andrew Meyer's my ex-husband.
04:27Yeah.
04:28And I have had virtually no contact with him
04:30at this point.
04:31Uh-oh.
04:32Oh, okay.
04:33We're going to take a quick five, guys.
04:35Fantastic.
04:36Her Achilles cock.
04:37Andrew.
04:38I see Monty got a new paint job.
04:40Monty and I are still together.
04:42Better than ever, in fact.
04:43No, Felicia is my paralegal.
04:46Oh, God, we're all going to jail.
04:48We'll wait in the car, okay?
04:49Can you please find me a real green juice
04:52somewhere in Iowa?
04:54God, I'm drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian
04:56who just got to the big city.
04:58Ma'am.
04:59Not yet.
05:00So much for debate prep.
05:01Actually, that was our best one yet.
05:03Hey, Aime.
05:04Hey, Dan.
05:05Happy abortion-y.
05:07Oh, my God.
05:08What?
05:09What?
05:10Don't they all know?
05:12Okay, I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.
05:16Ooh.
05:17Richard, you're running yourself ragged
05:18working on both campaigns.
05:20I feel a little embarrassed.
05:21I mean, two jobs is no big deal.
05:23In fact, it's a spelt family motto.
05:25Splent.
05:26Ah, spelt.
05:27It's my mother's side of the family.
05:28I think you should definitely quit Selena.
05:30I would if I could.
05:31Actually, I tried to quit last week,
05:33and the president gave me a raise.
05:34So quit Jonah.
05:35He gave me a raise, too.
05:37Some people say I'm not fit to be president,
05:39that I'm dangerously unskilled.
05:42But when I debate my fellow candidates
05:44in the debate this Saturday,
05:46I'm finally going to set the record straight,
05:48because that's when the gloves come off.
05:54Senator James,
05:55you pledged to bring jobs back to America.
05:58Ah!
06:00President Meyer,
06:01you say you're tough on crime, huh?
06:04Well, then why am I not in prison
06:06for punching the president?
06:08Senator Talbot,
06:09I think your tax plan is a whack plan.
06:13Psych!
06:15Ah!
06:17Undisputed president of the United States!
06:20I'm Jonah Ryan,
06:21and I want to suck this message's hot clam.
06:23Me, too.
06:24When do we roll that out?
06:25We don't.
06:27You went completely off script.
06:29I ad-libbed.
06:30Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing.
06:32You should have heard his wedding vows.
06:34He did a really funny Chinese voice.
06:36Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.
06:38We focus-tested the ad,
06:40and most people are uncomfortable
06:41watching a white man
06:43kick a black woman in the vagina.
06:45Well, I don't see vagina color.
06:48Why don't we just kick President Meyer instead?
06:50The debate committee just emailed me
06:52to say that there are so many candidates
06:54that they've decided to host two separate debates.
06:56One for candidates polling with at least 5% of the vote,
06:59and another one for those polling with less than 5%.
07:01And good news...
07:03Uh, no, that's bad news.
07:05I'm at less than 5%?
07:07Well, you know, in the plus column,
07:08the undercard debate will be first,
07:10which means we'll have no problem
07:11getting out of the parking lot.
07:12Oh, no, that's bad news, too.
07:13It's, uh, stacked parking.
07:15Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund.
07:20I thought we both understood I was lying.
07:22You do know I'm running for president, right?
07:25Madam P, got a moment?
07:27Can you fuck off?
07:28Can do, skipper.
07:30Okay.
07:31Lee, do you happen to know
07:33if Marjorie has the complete ledgers
07:35to all the Meyer Fund accounts?
07:37Yes, I'm sure that she does.
07:41That's too bad.
07:42You know, I think I'm gonna pop by her office
07:45and see if it's locked.
07:47For once, will you tell me the truth?
07:49How much money did you steal?
07:51Technically, it was you that stole the money from the fund
07:53because I signed your name on some documents.
07:55Oh, my God.
07:56Don't worry, Lee.
07:57I'll keep you out of it.
07:58Yeah, don't worry, Lee.
08:00You won't get pregnant.
08:01I'll pull out and come on your back.
08:03Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.
08:06General Statler, how are you?
08:08Sorry to keep you waiting.
08:10Come on in.
08:11Madam President, I have been trying repeatedly
08:13to get your office to sign off on a presidential funeral plan,
08:16and since your tenure was so unusually brief,
08:19I took the liberty of using President Ford's ceremony
08:22as a template.
08:23Oh?
08:24Uh, that's not gonna work.
08:26He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck
08:29into a quarry.
08:31My vision for when I die...
08:33If you...
08:34No, I am gonna die.
08:35Hmm.
08:37It's more of a sort of a Princess Diana thing,
08:41but classy.
08:43But no Prince Charles.
08:44Oh, yeah.
08:45He's worse than the mother.
08:46Oh.
08:47Oh, that's a good idea.
08:49Let's make a list of everybody
08:51we don't want invited to my funeral.
08:53Yeah, and put Andrew at the top.
08:56Already there.
08:57Begging your pardon, ma'am,
08:58but these plans should have been made
09:00before you left office.
09:01Oh, put Montez on the list.
09:03Well, you know, I could get re-elected.
09:05Ma'am, why don't we just jump right to embalming options
09:08to minimize decomp during the rotunda viewings?
09:11Hughes, do I really want to get embalmed?
09:14Yeah, the neck.
09:15Oh, that's true.
09:16Yeah.
09:17Right.
09:18General Ryan,
09:19General Ryan, outsider's insider.
09:21Make sure to vote.
09:22Hey, Teddy.
09:23Teddy, check this out.
09:24Teddy, look.
09:25What am I doing?
09:26Wait, no, get the big one.
09:27Oh, yeah.
09:28Oh.
09:29Oh.
09:30Teddy, isn't he so funny?
09:32He's hilarious, Mrs. Bryant.
09:35Why don't you eat this, Congressman?
09:38Okay.
09:39Great.
09:40There you go.
09:42All right.
09:43Congressman Ryan.
09:44Yeah.
09:45How do you feel about being relegated
09:46to the undercard debate?
09:47Oh, no comment.
09:49I deserve to be in the real debate
09:51as much as Selina Meyer and that hot new black lady.
09:54It is literally the definition of retarded.
09:57Congressman has a very busy schedule.
09:59All right.
10:00General Ryan, candidate for president.
10:01What the fuck, Teddy?
10:02You can't say retarded in front of a reporter.
10:04Why?
10:05Is he retarded?
10:06No, but you might be.
10:07No, my pediatrician ran the test.
10:09Besides, if I was, you'd know.
10:11I'd have retard face or whatever.
10:13You look different.
10:14You have to watch what you say.
10:18Wait.
10:19Who are you calling?
10:20No, don't tell my mom.
10:22It's Teddy, yeah.
10:23I'm calling in the favor.
10:24Hey, Teddy, look.
10:25It's shooting in my mouth.
10:30BuzzFeed rented this house for all their reporters.
10:32Babe, why are you wearing that hat?
10:34Well, ever since I got it,
10:35they stopped calling me old guy.
10:37Now, I'm hat guy.
10:39It's fat guy.
10:40Hey, Mike, have you given any thought
10:42to that thing that we talked about?
10:44I think it would be really good for Ellen
10:47if we adopted another baby from China.
10:50Wendy, we're barely making ends meet.
10:52Ever since the Felix Wave piece,
10:54BuzzFeed's been climbing up my ass.
10:56Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer.
10:58And I'm not.
10:59I gotta go help Ellen with her Mandarin.
11:01All right.
11:02Ellen, ni hao.
11:04That means hello, Mike.
11:06Have fun, baby.
11:07Hey, fat guy.
11:08Did I hear you're kind of having trouble
11:10meeting your article quota?
11:12Maybe.
11:13You interested in some study buddies?
11:16Didn't I used to be hat guy?
11:18I think it was always fat guy.
11:26Oh, wow, what a crowd.
11:29Hi.
11:30I hope you'll vote for me.
11:32Caucus.
11:33They don't know what that word is.
11:35Good point.
11:36Hi, Mom.
11:37Don't tell me.
11:38Are these all of your children?
11:39That's a busy beaver.
11:40Yes.
11:41Yes, indeed.
11:42Hey, kids.
11:43Were you all just petting the animals?
11:45Yes.
11:46Great.
11:48Where's Kemi?
11:49Senator Talbot is currently using her campaign app
11:52to host a digital town hall.
11:54Jesus hashtag Christ.
11:55Do we even have an app?
11:56Of course we do, ma'am.
11:57The current version only asks for donations
11:59and, for some reason, deletes your address book.
12:02Technically, it's more of a virus.
12:04I had it, but I had to delete it
12:05because it was making my phone hot.
12:07Hello.
12:08Yes.
12:09Madam President,
12:10I have a question and two follow-ups.
12:12You do?
12:13How do you feel about Governor Calhoun
12:14accusing you of being unfit for office
12:16because of your complicity in your husband's alleged crimes?
12:19He's my ex-husband, Mike,
12:21and I think we're all getting pretty tired
12:23of these cheap personal attacks.
12:27Perhaps that kind of thing plays well in Nevada.
12:30Nevada.
12:31Nevada.
12:32But I challenge Governor Calhoun
12:34and the other candidates
12:36to join me
12:39in a non-negative pledge.
12:43I think it's time to start talking about
12:45the issues that affect real Americans.
12:49Thanks.
12:50Wow, Mike, you said an actual thing.
12:52How the fuck did that happen?
12:54It's like flowers for algina.
12:55I understand that reference now.
12:57It's a book.
12:58Oh, by the way, have you seen Andrew?
13:00I got to get a hold of him.
13:02I'm starting to think he's ripping me off.
13:04What we do at Crawford Bloom Associates,
13:07we work with high-profile clients like yourself
13:10to make sure that not only are they understood,
13:14but more importantly, never misunderstood.
13:17We want you to put your best foot forward
13:19and not in your mouth.
13:21Exactly.
13:22Oh, it's a good one. I like that.
13:24I like these guys.
13:25Okay, so you went to the fair yesterday.
13:28Yeah, let's talk about the specific incident
13:31that brought you to us.
13:33Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
13:35Yes, exactly.
13:37Now, when you said that word, Congressman,
13:39is there, I don't know, another word
13:41that you could have used?
13:43Had the same meeting.
13:44Uh-huh.
13:46And there's no wrong answers?
13:48No.
13:50Um, mentally retarded?
13:53No, that's wrong.
13:56I see where your head is at, though,
13:58and you are technically correct.
14:00Thank you. Thank you.
14:01Yes, and technically also, though,
14:03you see how you're still using
14:05the same form of the hurtful word?
14:07You're feeling what I'm saying?
14:08Yeah, not really.
14:10Can I get another bagel?
14:11It might be a great time to introduce
14:13a new strategy that we have developed here
14:15called 360-degree perspective-taking.
14:19Oh, God, is that like math?
14:20Actually, it's just a way of using empathy
14:23to help avoid hurting other people's feelings.
14:27That's so gay.
14:29Um, what?
14:30Excuse me?
14:31Oh, guys, come on.
14:33I didn't mean, like, gay gay,
14:35or, like, this guy and his husband are gay.
14:37I meant gay, like, uh, mentally retarded.
14:41Okay, you know what?
14:42Stephanie, I need a minute.
14:44I just need one minute.
14:45Okay.
14:46So sorry. Thank you.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Is this guy on his fucking period?
14:50What is it?
14:51Ow!
14:52♪♪
14:55My dumbslut sister was supposed to be
14:57my abortion ride,
14:58but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found,
15:00so I'm...
15:01Oh, that makes sense.
15:03Yeah.
15:04Well, would you mind?
15:06Unless you plan on fucking her again
15:08while she's passed out.
15:09She doesn't call that rape, by the way.
15:10That's just regular sex to her.
15:12I will get my keys.
15:14Don't wear white pants!
15:16Big news, ma'am.
15:17Governor Calhoun announced
15:18that he's signed on to your non-negative pledge.
15:20Oh, what a pussy.
15:21Ma'am, every candidate has made the non-negative pledge,
15:24including Tom, James, and Kimmy.
15:26Look at you!
15:27You've got chocolate all over your face like a child,
15:29but you're an adult.
15:30Adorable!
15:31Also, the dog mayor of Lurleen has passed away.
15:35I'm sorry, Richard.
15:36Oh, my God.
15:37What? Who?
15:38The dog that I...
15:39Oh, no.
15:40We should probably send someone to the funeral.
15:42Well, make Amy go.
15:43Where is that fatty McFatty hiding today?
15:45She aborted her unborn fetus.
15:47Okay, well, darker a day's pay than Richard.
15:49Do you want to go?
15:50It would be my honor to attend.
15:53Winner!
15:54Honey, I think that's enough.
15:56These are clearly made with child labor.
15:58Hold this.
15:59What are you, some kind of green beret?
16:01I was an agricultural advisor.
16:03Nothing more.
16:06God won't punish you!
16:08Richard is murdered!
16:10Just keep your head down, Amy,
16:11and I'll part the redneck's seat.
16:13All right, all right, back off.
16:15Come on, make some room.
16:16106, think of the innocent children!
16:19106, think of the innocent children!
16:22Oh, you want me to think about the children,
16:26you hog-fingering fucks?
16:28Well, I did think about this.
16:30I considered it, and I cried,
16:32and, yeah, sucked my cock.
16:34I even prayed a little.
16:35And here I am.
16:36So you can back the fuck off,
16:38you hypocritical cunts,
16:39before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house
16:42and protest your husband
16:43whacking it to your daughter's seventh-grade yearbook.
16:46That sign's misspelled.
16:47Come on, Ken.
16:48Yes, yes.
16:49Oh, and I hope you'll all caucus for Selina Meyer.
16:51Do Selina now.
16:54Oh!
16:55Morning, Henry.
16:56Ben.
16:57Yeah?
16:58Um, Kenny killed her boyfriend.
17:00What?
17:01How is this not all over the news?
17:03Well, her records were sealed.
17:04She was 16.
17:05Yeah, she accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
17:08She is an actual murderer?
17:11Yes.
17:12Who drives an import?
17:14Oh, my God.
17:17I think I'm gonna cry.
17:19We gotta spread this news like Kenny's boyfriend's guts
17:23all over the pavement.
17:25Well, actually, he was, uh, decapitated.
17:28Here.
17:29Ma'am.
17:30You do this, Ken.
17:31Ma'am, you can't use this.
17:32Social media is exploding with praise
17:34for your non-negative pledge.
17:38Well, why did you war on something?
17:40You drew that.
17:42Winner.
17:43Oh!
17:44I did it!
17:45I did it!
17:46I did it!
17:47Congratulations.
17:49You can ride the rest of your day at the Waterloo County Fair.
17:52I don't want this.
17:54Okay, is there any way we can accuse Kenny
17:57of murdering her boyfriend, but in a positive way?
18:01Madam President?
18:02Yes?
18:03Guess your age, guess your weight.
18:04Oh.
18:05Um...
18:06Okay.
18:07Okay, what was that?
18:08Nothing.
18:09Where's Secret Service?
18:10Just came out of nowhere.
18:11Okay, Ms. Burkheimer,
18:13I do need to warn you about some of the surgical risks involved.
18:16Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation.
18:18Yep, 10-4.
18:19Body's Wonderland.
18:20Can I just sign the consent form?
18:22Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option of viewing the ultrasound.
18:26Less talk, more abortion.
18:27Patient has declined.
18:31I am as sure as I will be.
18:35Okay, we're going to give you some medicine now to help you relax.
18:38Oh, yeah?
18:39You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?
18:42I need.
18:43Everyone's always telling me to relax, and I'm not good at relaxing.
18:46Well, I don't want to relax, because I hate relaxing so much.
18:51Ooh.
18:52Wow.
18:53There you go, tough guy.
18:55Very good.
18:57Just real quick, is that the Berkeley VC-10?
19:00That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of VagVax.
19:03I'm sorry, who is this man?
19:05That's Dan.
19:06Yeah, I'm the proud father to not be.
19:09Here you go, ma'am.
19:10Uh-huh.
19:12Madam President.
19:13Yes.
19:14And the crowd goes wild.
19:19What is up with the clubfoot countess?
19:22I think she's worried that she might beat her up in the girls' bathroom.
19:25Give her a swirly.
19:26Oh, no.
19:27Yeah, you would have.
19:29Okay.
19:30You know what?
19:31Can you just...
19:32Sure, yeah.
19:33Madam President, I do believe that we are literally and figuratively out to pass her.
19:38Oh, God, it's really too bad, because I've got something so juicy on this post-racial America.
19:45How juicy?
19:46I mean, fresh-squeezed Billy Carter juicy.
19:49But I can't use it, unless...
19:53Unless he wondered?
19:55Unless you wanted to break the pledge first.
19:59You want me to go back on your word?
20:04No, forget it.
20:05Forget...
20:06This never works.
20:07No, no, no, no, no.
20:08Selena, listen.
20:09You've got no reason to trust me based on...
20:11Yeah, trying to screw me out of the presidency, then trying to actually screw me,
20:16then screwing me, then writing a book about screwing me.
20:20Also discussed it on television.
20:22Lovely.
20:23Yeah.
20:24I go negative on Kimmy.
20:26Yeah.
20:27Once she's gone...
20:28The party's stuck with us, like it's supposed to be.
20:32And that is why I know I'm wrong, and I would like to apologize for the hurtful words that I used.
20:38And not just because there is a camera.
20:41Although, if there is a tape, we would appreciate it and any copies of that tape to pray and reflect on.
20:53Come on, guys.
20:57Are you deaf?
20:59Are you deaf?
21:00Did you not hear what Kimmy said?
21:02What is wrong with you?
21:03Are you fucking retarded?
21:05Oh, my God!
21:06I'm so sorry.
21:07I'm so sorry.
21:10No, no, no, no, no.
21:11I'm so sorry.
21:12No, it's okay.
21:13I accept your apology.
21:17I really love that sweater.
21:20One voter at a time, Teddy.
21:22But, Jonah, there were two of them.
21:24I know.
21:25I have left literally hundreds of messages, none of which you've returned, which is why I am writing this e-mail.
21:30Andrew.
21:31Hey, Mike, you good?
21:32Actually, I'm under a little bit of pressure.
21:33My wife wants to adopt a new kid, and my old boss's ex-husband maybe stole our life savings.
21:38So, I'm trying to write him a letter, but I can't focus on anything because it's so dirty in here.
21:42And bright, and oddly windy, right?
21:45Oh, hey, do you have any more of those concentrating pills?
21:47Yeah, no.
21:48I think you've had enough.
21:50I've had enough, Andrew.
21:52Mike McClintock has had enough!
21:56This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral.
21:59I mean, even the governor's here.
22:02Who are all these people?
22:04Novelty Mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism after tornado chasing and coming in town to buy Sudafed.
22:11Is that a mayor as well?
22:13No, it's just a cat.
22:15Could you imagine?
22:17This isn't Nebraska.
22:19Richard, can I speak with you after the service?
22:21Of course, Judge.
22:23How's the search for the new successor?
22:25Sadly, the mayor was fixed, and cloning was too expensive.
22:28That's what I want to talk to you about.
22:30Would you like me to neuter the new mayor?
22:34We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers.
22:36There's jokes on them because you can't sue the president.
22:39Jonah, I know this is just the undercard debate, but it's still important.
22:43Well, hello!
22:45Oh, no.
22:46Jonah, you should have worn a costume.
22:47What the fuck?
22:48I gotta debate Dumbledore?
22:50Listen, okay, he's just the protest candidate. Ignore him.
22:53What's most important is you have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.
22:59Don't worry about it. I got it handled.
23:02I wrote down all the words not to say.
23:04Okay, that'll work.
23:08Welcome back to tonight's debate featuring candidates polling between 5% and not statistically significant.
23:15I'm Bri Ramachandran Shulhoff.
23:18Let's turn our attention to foreign policy, Congressman Ryan.
23:21Bring it on, Bri.
23:22Your question is about Africa.
23:24Pass.
23:25With China challenging American hegemony across the African continent,
23:29should we adopt a more aggressive policy of forward deployment
23:32by sending U.S. ground troops into countries like Niger?
23:37I'm sorry, you can't say that.
23:41I mean, only he can say that.
23:45Say what, Niger?
23:47No matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.
23:51Congressman, I think you're confused.
23:53She's referring to the African nation.
23:55Uh, African American nation?
23:57Of Niger.
23:58Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy.
24:02What did he say?
24:03No, he said it, not me.
24:05But, for the record, I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word,
24:12and I think it would be best if those troops were...
24:16Can I just say, making friends overseas is powerful magic.
24:20Bri, if you ask him any question, it's going to be powerful magic.
24:23You know what, I'm going to ask him a question.
24:25What's your solution to fix our failing public education system?
24:29Well, longer school years, free breakfast, and magic.
24:34Oh, come on.
24:36Little Richard will be very happy for his daddy, the new mayor of Berlin.
24:41Catherine, he won't be making memories for another 22 months.
24:44Hey, I think that went pretty well, right?
24:46Well, I just got here, so I'm going to say yes.
24:48Want you to add the Dalai Lama to this list, because I'm going to be the only stiff at my funeral.
24:53Oh, look at this.
24:55Congressman Ryan.
24:56And this must be Mrs. Ryan.
24:59Or do you go by your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan?
25:01Oh, either.
25:03Oh, no, ma'am, she's my half-sister.
25:05Step.
25:06Step.
25:07Step.
25:08Madam President, Congressman Ryan, I'm glad you're both here.
25:11It seems I have been appointed the new mayor of Berlin.
25:14Oh, Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle.
25:18Oh, all right.
25:19But don't you have to be a dog?
25:21Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.
25:24But sadly, I have to tell you that I can no longer work for your presidential campaign.
25:28Oh.
25:29Oh, of course.
25:30I'll be sorry to lose you.
25:31Me too.
25:34Ma'am.
25:35Hmm?
25:36Ma'am.
25:37What?
25:38Excuse me.
25:39Yes?
25:40I just published a piece on BuzzFeed entitled An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer.
25:44Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer, I have invested my entire life savings with you and have yet to see a single dollar in return.
25:51What? Mike's entire life savings?
25:53So then we're talking about, what, six dollars?
25:55The term Fonzie Scheme is referenced.
25:58Okay.
25:59And the article as a whole is not cool.
26:00Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.
26:04And find me Tom James.
26:11Fuck.
26:15It's that guy's phone.
26:18Dude, your mom's on the phone.
26:19She sounds pissed.
26:23And that's why, as a woman, and a woman of color, my entire life has been training for the Oval Office.
26:31If I could just add on to that, Greg.
26:33No, Greg.
26:34Yeah.
26:35Okay, sir.
26:36I have actually sat in the Oval Office and made tough decisions, life and death decisions.
26:47And believe me, the many, many accomplishments of the Meyer administration were no accident.
26:55What?
26:57What?
26:58Oh, did you say, I'm sorry.
26:59Did you say something, Senator?
27:00No.
27:01Okay.
27:02I'd like to hop in.
27:03You know what's funny?
27:04I think I know what President Meyer is striving at so artfully.
27:09Is that she would like me to tell you that Senator Talbot here accidentally murdered her boyfriend in a reckless car accident when she was 16 years old.
27:18But you know what?
27:19I'm not going to stoop to your level and say that.
27:21Okay.
27:22I'm not.
27:23I'm not sure what you mean, Senator James.
27:25I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this kind of underhandedness from a woman whose husband, Andrew Meyer.
27:31Ex-husband, in fact.
27:32The two of you, according to your former press secretary, used the Meyer fund to defraud millions of dollars.
27:39Oh, that.
27:40Our obese children from our adult illiterates from an emerging democracy.
27:43Completely.
27:44Our military families.
27:45So where are you headed after this?
27:47I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden.
27:50Only one talking point, but they do stick to it.
27:52Did you know that President Meyer had a heart attack a couple of years ago?
27:56She covered it up.
27:57Okay.
27:58Well, you had a heart attack.
28:00This was a Meyer prostate procedure.
28:03If I may interject, please.
28:05I think that the American people deserve more from the next president than a bunch of politics' usual mudslinging.
28:13Oh, boy.
28:14That Kimmy really has it going on.
28:16And it brings me no joy to revisit one of the worst events of my childhood.
28:21In which, yes, I was in a car accident that killed a dear friend.
28:27But I have looked up to President Meyer since I was a little girl.
28:31And I have heard her many, many explanations for her ex-husband's activities at the fund.
28:37And I accept them all.
28:39Well, you know, if, oh, you do.
28:43I do.
28:44And frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it.
28:46I think we all are.
28:47Yeah, well, I know I am.
28:49And as far as both of your medical issues go, it's TMI, people.
28:54It's TMI.
28:57And I would just like to add to that.
28:59Hold that thought, Governor Calhoun.
29:00We're going to take a quick break and then we will be right back with more of the presidential debate.
29:05Live from Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, in just a moment.
29:13And we're clear.
29:17Oh, my God.
29:18Oh, my God.
29:19Sorry, Mom.
29:20Back in two minutes.
29:21All right, you've got to help me.
29:22Somebody's got to tell me what to do.
29:24Hit her with the economy.
29:25There's no way her college loan plan can pay for itself.
29:28Neither can mine, Ben.
29:29None of these plans can.
29:31Do you have your debate cheat sheet?
29:32Yes, it's right here.
29:33All right.
29:34Ma'am, this is your funeral black ball list.
29:36And all of you are on it.
29:38We need to muddy her up.
29:40Something as bad as Andrew.
29:42Drugs.
29:43Lesbianism.
29:44Mom, Mom, stop, okay?
29:45If you don't win, we are all going to have to rally behind Kennedy.
29:49Catherine, who cut your hair?
29:50Yeah.
29:51One minute, Madam President.
29:52Please head back to the stage.
29:54Okay, um, Aloha Kemi Talibah Talbot.
29:59That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks.
30:02Talibah, Talibah.
30:03That's an old chestnut.
30:04Mom, I am begging you, as the mother of a mixed race child.
30:08Stop it!
30:10Stop!
30:11My God!
30:12I have had it with this whimpering and whining from you and your generation.
30:19It's time for you to grow a pair and man the fuck up!
30:26Not bad.
30:29Whether your ceiling is made of glass or covered in peeling lead paint,
30:35as a woman and a woman of color,
30:37I want to challenge our notions of economic justice.
30:41Senator Talbot, I met a farmer.
30:44Let me tell you something about justice, Senator.
30:47When I was coming up as a lawyer,
30:50I didn't have to remind everyone I was a woman every ten seconds
30:54because they never let me forget it.
30:56I smiled all through the casual grabbing of my behind
31:01and all the secret meetings on the golf course that I wasn't invited to.
31:05So how about giving a little thanks to the women like me
31:09who built the ladder that you used to get up onto your soapbox.
31:14How about for once in your life, you stop whining,
31:17you stop complaining and just man up!
31:20Because I honestly, I...
31:24Yeah, that's right, you heard me.
31:26Man up!
31:27You know, let's just say it like it is.
31:29That's it.
31:35Congratulations, Kev.
31:38From Drake University,
31:39this has been CNN's first Iowa presidential debate.
31:43I'm Greg Hart.
31:44Good night.
31:52Oh, I'm so proud of you.
31:55Madam President, may I say...
31:59Thank you, Greg.
32:01Wonderful job.
32:02You did it, ma'am.
32:03God bless America.
32:05You did it, ma'am.
32:06God bless America.
32:08For hating women almost as much as I do.
32:11Get out of my way.
32:15She won?
32:16Man up.
32:19That's really good.
32:20Who came up with that?
32:22Catherine.
32:24How you doing?
32:25Feels like someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.
32:32Oh, before I forget.
32:34Frozen maxi pads soaked in comfrey extract.
32:37My own personal recipe.
32:38That is so nice.
32:40And also cold and disgusting.
32:44Just, um, I'm going to need that back when you're done,
32:47because Leon will pay big bucks for it.
32:49Oh, God.
32:52Dan, did I make a mistake?
32:54What if I never get...
33:00Yeah?
33:01Ames Bo Bames.
33:02Teddy Sykes.
33:03How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive,
33:07physically repugnant underdog to historic victory?
33:11You want me to join Jonah's campaign?
33:14Such as it is.
33:15What do you say?
33:16I want to be campaign manager.
33:17I would need to be campaign manager.
33:19So you shall be.
33:20I'm not going to lie.
33:21It's going to be really hard and no fun.
33:24We have got a bit of a problem.
33:26You are in luck because my schedule just got scraped clean.
33:30We will talk soon.
33:31Yes.
33:32Get up.
33:33We have something to celebrate.
33:35All right.
33:36Yeah, five minutes.
33:38See, when you do good things, good things happen to good people.
33:42I'm such a good person.
33:47Ma'am, I was hoping I could have some more responsibility.
33:50Yes.
33:51Yes.
33:52Can you make me a waxing appointment?
33:54I'm feeling patriotic.
33:56Full bald eagle.
33:57I just found out from my stupid stepfather.
34:00Father-in-law.
34:01From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was created by Muslims.
34:06How are we doing with non-college educated whites?
34:09Look at this.
34:10Underwater, ma'am.
34:11Then how about college educated whites?
34:13In South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
34:17I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement.