Veep Season 6 Episode 8 Judge
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00:00I did not expect to find myself on a couch having sex with President Selina Meyer, right?
00:05Honor James.
00:06Oh God.
00:08We got the results back from the first testing of the new host pairing.
00:11People say that you two don't have any chemistry.
00:14I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet.
00:16Please Marie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely.
00:18Dan!
00:20You could shut down the government.
00:24Congressman Ryan votes no.
00:26Lights out!
00:28You're gonna have a birthday next August.
00:32I'm gonna have a party.
00:34Oh really?
00:34In Alabama.
00:36Oh, Alabama.
00:37If I make it, will you come?
00:41Yes, I will.
00:43Oh, Kentucky Fried Christ!
00:58Satan's humidor out here.
01:00My God.
01:01Flying a thousand miles to Alabama.
01:04I mean, is anyone as shocked as I am that I'm doing this?
01:07Well, I'm usually shocked, so probably not the best person to ask.
01:09Here we are.
01:10My boyhood home.
01:11What?
01:12Hey ma'am, I gotta tell you, coming to my birthday is what gave me the strength to get
01:15through that heart attack.
01:15Well, you're welcome.
01:16And when I had my relapse.
01:17You had a relapse?
01:18Mm-hmm.
01:19Oh, I thought you were just being lazy.
01:21Hey Gary, how come your family doesn't have a mongoloid kid on the porch playing banjo?
01:25He grew up and moved to D.C.
01:28Mama!
01:32It's like he's never seen his mother before.
01:34Ma'am, Tim's and the other donors are getting really restless about this lack of progress
01:38on the library, so we need to get some new money ASAP, or we have to give back the old
01:42money.
01:43Well, that's a real snatch to one day, too.
01:44And also, we have another email from Jafar in New York.
01:48I need to see you.
01:49Just email him back a hard no, but make it sound kind of sexy so he knows what he's missing.
01:56Asking somebody who has sex one and a half times a year to do that.
02:01Oh, you must be Amy.
02:02Yes.
02:03Hi, nice to meet you.
02:04And you obviously are Richard.
02:07Because of the glasses, yeah.
02:08And Madam President, it's an honor to have you at our humble home.
02:13It is such a treat to be here in Lynch City.
02:17It's White City.
02:18We can't afford Lynch City.
02:19All right.
02:19Where's Judge?
02:20Your dad's a judge?
02:22Oh, no.
02:23No, Judge isn't back yet from his hunting trip with Stewart.
02:26Stewart?
02:26I don't remember Stewart.
02:27Oh, Stewart's the new Bobby.
02:29Oh, he's always grooming some new associate.
02:32He's loved around here.
02:34He takes his boys real, real serious.
02:37Hi, honey.
02:37Happy birthday to you.
02:39Catherine and Mr. Marjorie have been here and they're just keeping me in stitches.
02:43Okay, it's a lady.
02:46We're finishing up President Meyer's memoir this week.
02:48No one's going to read that.
02:49And darn it, if I haven't been bitten by the writing bug, I want to write a syndicated humor
02:55column like Dave Barry or Irm Mike.
02:58Do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years?
03:02Not at all.
03:02I mean, truth is, I don't even get them anymore.
03:04I just read the news on my phone.
03:06It's so much better and it's free.
03:08Yeah, that makes sense.
03:09Let me just give you a little taste of the McClintock pros, okay?
03:13Oh, God.
03:14The other day, I found my daughter Ellen sitting in her closet eating cello bow rosin.
03:19Creepy.
03:20So I sat her down and we dialogued.
03:22That's not a word.
03:23And we agreed that it was okay for her to sit in her closet and it was okay for her to eat
03:30cello bow rosin, but it was not okay for her to do both at the same time.
03:35I think we both found that solution very rosinable.
03:44Okay.
03:44Well, Mike, if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.
03:48Thank you so much, Leon.
03:50I owe you big time.
03:51And you know what?
03:52I'll send you a couple McClintock morsels just to whet your appetite.
03:55I do not want you to do that.
03:57I will.
03:58Don't.
03:59I'm gonna.
03:59No.
04:00I can't believe y'all are in my house.
04:03I know.
04:03I can't believe you're here.
04:05I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.
04:08Very new south.
04:09Yeah.
04:10Yes.
04:10What does that mean?
04:11No butt fucking Ned Beatty till the after party.
04:14No, there's gonna be a raw bar.
04:16And the very best southern chef.
04:18Yes, who hasn't said the n-word on television.
04:21Well, that's good.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Ma'am, I really think that we need to discuss my doing something other than the library.
04:27Do you have any social skills whatsoever?
04:30I mean, my God, Amy.
04:32We're in the middle of visiting with what's-his-ass' family here.
04:36Right.
04:36Hey, birthday boy.
04:37I need my purse.
04:38I gotta get my eye drop.
04:39Well, hello, the house.
04:41Oh, there he is.
04:42George is home.
04:46Well, look at that.
04:48Hey, everybody.
04:50Not home an hour and Gary's carrying a jimmy-choo purse.
04:55Something never changes.
04:57That's for the president.
04:58The president did.
04:59The president.
05:01Hey, I was just joshing with you.
05:02I was joshing with you.
05:05Don't tear up now.
05:06I'm not, I'm not.
05:06Ruining your mascara.
05:08Hey.
05:08Hello, Mr. Walsh.
05:10Hello.
05:11I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office.
05:14Okay, well, you didn't have to say that.
05:16Thank you very much.
05:18You know what I saw that Tom James being interviewed on the television about the two of you?
05:22Oh, good.
05:23You saw that.
05:24Yeah, I did.
05:25My God, that's a good-looking man.
05:27Looks like he works out.
05:28Where are my manners?
05:30I gotta show you your room so you can freshen up.
05:33Hey, you two girls, I'm sorry.
05:34You're gonna have to share that room downstairs.
05:36I hope you don't mind.
05:37Of course.
05:37We usually-
05:39Come on, come in my mug.
05:41Madam President, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms since you're not official yet.
05:47My mug.
05:48What?
05:48Nope, nothing.
05:49Oh, look at this.
05:51You kept Gary's crib.
05:53It's not Gary's.
05:54It's his brother Bruce's.
05:55Oh, I didn't know you had a brother.
05:57Bruce was his stillborn twin.
06:00He had a huge heart.
06:01Missing all its valves, though.
06:02Ah, here we go again.
06:04When Gary was in high school, he used to say,
06:06Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.
06:10That was fighting words.
06:12Madam President, we're gonna leave you to get settled.
06:16Oh, Gary, can you stay behind for a second?
06:18We have some scheduling things.
06:20I can't sleep in here.
06:21I know.
06:22And your father comes off a little-
06:25Hard on me, I know.
06:26That, too.
06:27Wow, no wonder I couldn't carry this house.
06:30I mean, none of the polling research mentioned a dead son's ghost crib.
06:33The ghost is gone.
06:36I mean, at least we think it's gone.
06:38Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just mama.
06:40I'm gonna sleep in your mom's room or your dad's room.
06:43Okay, okay.
06:44How did you know they sleep in separate rooms?
06:47Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:48I'll tell you something.
06:49If I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, I could open them up for pottery barn kids.
06:54The Daylight Savings Time-loving bureaucrats have been punching the clock
06:59on the taxpayer's dime for too long.
07:03Well, now it's time for me to punch a clock with a hammer.
07:12At least while the government's shut down, we won't have to pay taxes.
07:15That's not how it works.
07:17Oh, homeless people.
07:19Our very own Dan Egan goes undercover in our fourth installment of
07:24Life on the Streets, Tears in the Gutter.
07:30We're back in two.
07:31Guys, let's talk.
07:32I don't know how to say this to you, Danny, but the network is not happy.
07:35We need a game changer.
07:36Okay, well, I mean, we could go back to fucking.
07:39Well, I wanted to wait till after the wedding.
07:41They want you to get an interview with the head of the Jeffersons.
07:43I'm not doing it.
07:44Your job depends on it.
07:45I'm not doing it.
07:47Oh, you're fucking doing it.
07:48You're fucking doing it.
07:49Because I'm not going back to Yahoo fucking style.
07:52And up next, a long-lost letter from World War II finally delivered,
07:57ending a 60-year marriage.
07:59Good morning.
08:01Amy Richards.
08:01Amy Richards.
08:03Matter of fact.
08:03Good morning.
08:04Good morning.
08:04Judge Anima Jean.
08:05Judge Anima Jean.
08:07So how are the plans coming for the 40th?
08:11The crystal came in today, and I am just like, oh, yeah, if you'll excuse me,
08:16I'm going to go fetch your papers.
08:18Now, see?
08:19Look at that.
08:19Look, my brother, with all due respect, the government should get shut down.
08:24And that's the kind of man I could get behind, but bow tie makes him look queer.
08:31Mike, when did you get here?
08:33Just a couple minutes ago, ma'am.
08:35I got this really cheap flight.
08:37I'm really sorry I asked that question.
08:39I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing and burning
08:44because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart.
08:48And no, it wasn't me.
08:50I'm actually really blocked off from all the travel.
08:52And by the way, these baskets are amazing.
08:55Oh, thank you, Mike.
08:56Ma'am, do you think that Mike could benefit from closer supervision?
09:00She's not wrong.
09:01You know what, Amy?
09:02You are now in charge of finishing the book with Mike.
09:05And Richard, you're in charge of the library.
09:08What just happened?
09:09You're in charge of the library.
09:10We're still doing that?
09:11Yeah.
09:12Better get to work, ma'am.
09:13Good luck.
09:14Well, we should get going.
09:15We're actually doing a historical tour of great Southern female writers.
09:19And where they killed themselves.
09:21Catherine, you know, everybody just woke up and they don't want to hear about it.
09:25Get in there, all right?
09:26Madam President, I found this person of interest lurking around out there.
09:30In a Ferrari?
09:31Yeah, in your secret service, Amy.
09:33What is this?
09:34I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.
09:37Did you tell him your first name was Muhammad?
09:39No.
09:39I can vouch for him for the most part.
09:42Get to work, Mike.
09:43Roll those sleeves up to your pit stains.
09:44I need to talk to you.
09:45I got my diary.
09:46This is so inappropriate.
09:48It's not in here.
09:49What?
09:49I don't have my diary.
09:50It doesn't look harder.
09:51It's gotta be in there.
09:52Mike, that diary is all you're good for.
09:54The diary should have lost you.
09:56Every detail of every day in the White House was in that diary.
09:58Where do you think you might have left it?
10:00I did stop to eat at this truck stop diner driving up from Birmingham.
10:04No, you just ate breakfast now.
10:06No, I'm on D.C. time.
10:07It's an hour's difference.
10:08Let's go.
10:09Oh, good.
10:10They have great pancakes.
10:11We'll split a stack.
10:12I don't understand.
10:13What are you even doing here?
10:16Your man Richard told me to come down.
10:18I had some business in the Gulf with Sturgis Energy, but I had to see you.
10:21Oh, please.
10:22Suddenly now, white lives matter.
10:24And it looked like I'm sorry for how I behave,
10:26but everything is different now that my father's died of colon cancer.
10:29Praise be to Allah.
10:30Plus, our family's got a brand new imam who's just a lot more chill.
10:33I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo,
10:37and nobody would say boo.
10:38Well, you're getting me all wet now.
10:39Oh, no, I didn't.
10:40Hey, wait a minute.
10:41Did you say Sturgis Energy?
10:43I did.
10:43Who donated that whole wing to Hughes' Library?
10:45Yeah, Cordy and I are dear friends.
10:46Our houses share a beach path in the vineyard.
10:49We don't let the public use it, of course.
10:51You have me a beach path.
10:52Yeah, Carly Simon is on the other side.
10:54You know, she has this tree that just sort of hangs over the property line.
10:58So, listen, could you do me a favor?
10:59You think you could talk to Cordy about maybe donating a few mil to my library?
11:04I'll make that call for you.
11:05I am forgiving you.
11:06All right, come on.
11:07Plus, we're in Gary's house, and this whole place is like a vortex of sexual confusion.
11:12I mean, witness this.
11:13Oh, my God.
11:14Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich.
11:16Remind you of Jane?
11:17I really got to stop these weekly lunches.
11:19Should have kept the old gray mare.
11:20Your ratings ain't what they used to be.
11:22I hear your days are numbered, boy.
11:24Oh, this just might be the phone call that changes all that.
11:28Hey.
11:29Hold for Congressman Ryan.
11:30Lower the capital gains tax.
11:31Have you seen Bloomberg around here?
11:32To regulate the financial industry, to regulate the loan, to regulate everything.
11:36Congressman?
11:38Dan Egan, to what do I owe the pleasure of this?
11:42There is no fucking way I am going on your show.
11:44Don't hold for Congressman Ryan.
11:46Don't budge on the debt ceiling until you get a private meeting with the president.
11:50You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.
11:54There's no way you're going to get a meeting with Montez,
11:56no matter what five-ish fuckhole here says.
11:59Well, five-ish fuckhole disagrees.
12:01We're going to hold out for the meeting.
12:02I'll be in my car getting drunk.
12:04Hi, Danny.
12:05I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to.
12:10Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark.
12:12That show closed years ago.
12:14Hold for the congressman.
12:15I have another offer coming.
12:17No, wait, Jonah.
12:17I will give you the questions in advance.
12:20Fuck.
12:21Four tickets to Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark.
12:23No problemo.
12:24It'll be right after the interview.
12:26Best seats in the house.
12:28No, no, hey, Jonah.
12:29Jonah, hang up on him.
12:30Greg is basically...
12:31Are these from Trader Joe's?
12:32They're delicious.
12:33Oh, no, they're from Costco.
12:34I get them in a five-gallon bucket.
12:36Look, Jonah, just tell me what you want.
12:37I want you and I to party like we did back when we were best friends.
12:41Uh, when ex...
12:42Uh, yes.
12:44Yes.
12:44Donzo.
12:45Well, then I guess we have a deal.
12:48You said on air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead.
12:51He was a touring member from 90 to 92.
12:54He never officially joined.
12:55I wonder if we should get married in the fall or at New Year's.
12:59No, I was talking to my father.
13:01Ma'am, will you be okay with Congressman Ryan alone?
13:04She'll...
13:05What?
13:05She'll be fine.
13:06Actually, why don't you stay, Candy?
13:08Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president.
13:10Oh, I'm sorry.
13:11Did you just say you aren't going to rape the president?
13:15Of course I'm not.
13:16Why would I say I would?
13:17Why would you say you wouldn't?
13:19Because I wouldn't.
13:20I think maybe your people should come in, too.
13:23Gentlemen?
13:23What did he do, ma'am?
13:24Nothing.
13:25I didn't do anything.
13:26Well, he threatened to not rape the president.
13:28Yeah, that's not a threat.
13:30That's a promise.
13:31Okay, Congressman, first of all, let me congratulate you.
13:34You have accomplished more in one month
13:37than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime.
13:40That's very kind of you to say, ma'am.
13:42Shut the fuck up.
13:42This is my final offer, all right?
13:44Tell Tance he can have his deregulation of the payday loan industry,
13:48tripling of the private prison tax incentives,
13:53and the sentencing reform rollbacks for the mentally ill.
13:56And you'll get rid of daylight savings time.
13:58Oh, my God.
13:59Savings.
13:59I cannot do that.
14:01That is an impossible request.
14:03Why? Because I'm Jewish?
14:04Excuse me?
14:05He's not Jewish yet, ma'am.
14:07Yeah, but I only have two months left for those jiffy Jew classes,
14:10and after that, it's snip, snip, snip.
14:11And as an almost-Jew, I will not stand by with this anti-almost-Semitism.
14:16Why don't you take it up with the Anti-Defamation League?
14:20The fuck is that?
14:21Wow.
14:22Okay, my offer is not going to be on the table for long.
14:25Good afternoon, gentlemen.
14:27Wow, Gary.
14:30What is this crystal?
14:33It's vintage Baccarat.
14:35It's really gorgeous.
14:36Hi.
14:37Yeah.
14:38So I just heard back from Korty.
14:40Right, and?
14:41He was intrigued, but reluctant.
14:44Why?
14:44He's, you know, one of those real good old boys,
14:46and he thinks that you're a little Upper East Side.
14:49Are you kidding me? Me?
14:50Yeah, you know, like a snob.
14:52You've got to be kidding me.
14:53Well, like Eva Gabor in Green Acres.
14:56You had Green Acres and gutters?
14:58Oh, yes, but they censored all the scenes with Arnold Sifu.
15:00You know, I'm technically from the South.
15:02Oh, is that right?
15:02Yeah, Maryland had slaves.
15:04They just didn't secede.
15:06So they had it both ways.
15:07Gary's dad.
15:08You know what, Gary?
15:10Can we invite Korty to your party?
15:12Oh, that's a good idea.
15:13Give the good old boy a good old time.
15:16It's kind of a sit-down dinner, so...
15:19Yeah, but I mean...
15:20Who cares?
15:21Yeah.
15:21Who cares?
15:22Party on.
15:23Great.
15:23Okay.
15:24I'll show that oil-splattered cow fucker that I'm open-minded and non-judgmental.
15:29I love it.
15:31Hey, Gary, I'm wondering if a sit-down dinner's a little stuffy these days.
15:37What? No.
15:40Well...
15:41Maybe.
15:43I want to look at the menu, and I gotta say, I'm not sure this crystal is right.
15:48I think it's a little elitist.
15:50I know.
15:50But not in a good way.
15:52Oh.
15:53Yeah, let's get rid of it.
15:55But make a mental note of exactly what this pattern is,
15:58because maybe we'll rent it for my birthday.
16:00Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls
16:04instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through the neck holes
16:07at Riverbow Casino slot machines,
16:09we would be working at the White House right now
16:11instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop,
16:15in which I guarantee we are the only people
16:17who are not here to score speed or get their assholes licked.
16:20Well, after I ate, I went right to the bathroom
16:22because things started loosening up, you know?
16:25Whenever I drink coffee, usually...
16:26I do not need details.
16:27Okay, let's see here.
16:29Ha-ha! Bingo!
16:31Oh, God, thank you.
16:33Got it. My jacket.
16:35And?
16:36And what? Oh.
16:38No diary.
16:40I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.
16:43It's not urine, okay?
16:44It's probably just water from the urinal.
16:46Let's go.
16:47Hang on.
16:49I can tell you that the diary is not in your asscrap
16:51because I have had a very good view
16:53of the strawberry fields for the last hour.
16:55Look, I lost my belt, okay?
16:56When I went through security at Dulles, I...
17:00I left it at security.
17:02Maybe the diary's there.
17:03Okay, now we're going to Dulles.
17:06Can we get a quick stack of pancakes?
17:08No.
17:08What about my look and my makeup?
17:11I was thinking a smoky bronze eye.
17:14Okay, yeah, good.
17:15Well, well, look at you.
17:18Big shot Washington insider making like an Avon lady.
17:22Well, the president...
17:23Don't interrupt me, boys.
17:25Smoky bronze eye.
17:28God, don't you know that woman needs a pop color.
17:31Classic red lip.
17:32That's what you need.
17:35Ma'am.
17:35How are you?
17:38You can't let your father talk to you like that.
17:40He's always interrupting you and insulting you.
17:44You're absolutely right.
17:45You have to stand up for yourself, stupid.
17:48I'm going to tell you something that I haven't told anybody about Mama.
17:50And I'm going to tell it tonight at the party.
17:52When I was a kid, I was a bit of a tomboy, okay?
17:55All I wanted to do was go hunting with George.
17:58That's it.
17:59But he was always off with Teddy, who was kind of the first Bobby and all this kind of stuff.
18:02Yeah, I think you need to invest...
18:04But then on my 10th birthday, he finally took me out hunting.
18:08And then all of a sudden, the squirrel just popped out.
18:11Wow.
18:11I squeezed my eyes shut.
18:13I pulled the trigger.
18:14Well, the recoil just knocked me out cold.
18:16When I came to, the judge was standing over me with a squirrel.
18:20You were passed out?
18:22Yeah.
18:23And he was standing over you?
18:24Yeah.
18:27Did you have your pants on?
18:29Of course I did.
18:31But listen, what the judge doesn't know is that when I was lying down,
18:34I kind of saw that he pulled a squirrel out of his pocket.
18:38I didn't hit anything.
18:39He just wanted me to feel like a man.
18:41He had a dead animal in his pocket the whole time.
18:43And you know what I did with it?
18:44I skinned it.
18:46And I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
18:49Bam.
18:50Sucka.
18:51Neat.
18:52Ma'am?
18:53Yeah.
18:54Mike and Amy texted that they had to head up to the National Archives.
18:56Okay.
18:57Richard, what do you know about jug bands?
18:59Everything.
19:00What would I do without you?
19:01Well, vice versa, ma'am.
19:03I will tell you one thing.
19:04I think judge was right about the lip color.
19:07He always is.
19:08Yeah.
19:08Jonah, you have to take the Montez deal.
19:11I never thought you'd last more than a week.
19:13But right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington and still get re-elected in November.
19:18Fuck Daylight Savings Time, right?
19:20Just take the deal.
19:21And you could be governor or senator or God help us.
19:25Who knows?
19:27Thank you for your input.
19:28It's very much appreciated.
19:30You can clean out your office.
19:32I don't have an office.
19:33I share a desk with Kent.
19:34Well, then you can clean out your half desk.
19:36It's empty.
19:36You're fired.
19:38Okay.
19:39All right.
19:39See you around.
19:40Never, Ben.
19:41Cafferty.
19:42Yeah.
19:43Yeah.
19:45Am I fired, too?
19:46No.
19:47No.
19:48Very well.
19:49Cordy's gonna love this.
19:51Yeah.
19:51Ma'am, this doesn't seem right.
19:53No.
19:53Yeah, let's lose it.
19:54All right, losing the flag.
19:56No, no, no, no.
19:56The birthday sign.
19:57Oh.
19:57Selena, look who I found.
19:59Who are all these people?
20:01Your guests.
20:02Madam President, let me introduce you to Cordy Sturges.
20:05Cordy, President Meyer.
20:07You need to call me Selena, okay?
20:09Selena.
20:10It is so nice to see you south of the Mason-Dixon line
20:13without your campaign bus behind you.
20:16I think you're teasing me.
20:18You know, President Hughes said the nicest things about you.
20:22Oh, my goodness.
20:23I wish I could say the same thing.
20:28We need a drink.
20:31I'm seven years sober, ma'am.
20:32Uh-oh.
20:33You know, my mother was an alcoholic.
20:35She was a real mean drunk.
20:37Are you mean when you drink?
20:40I get that sense.
20:41I get that sense.
20:43What is this?
20:44This is the biggest one you could get.
20:45It's only got four wheels,
20:46and there's no fucking hot tub in the back.
20:48Just get in the car before someone sees us, Malcolm.
20:51No sex.
20:52All right, playa.
20:53Damn.
20:54Yeah.
20:54We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches.
20:57Actually, I'm just kidding.
20:58I got engaged.
20:58Did you hear that?
20:59Is she a foreigner?
21:00No, just Jewish.
21:02Oh, what's up now?
21:039-11, bitches.
21:05We're gonna fly two planes into the club.
21:08Next stop, Greenwich Village.
21:10Here we go.
21:11Let's go.
21:12Let's go.
21:13Oh, fuck.
21:13Hey, you could have killed me.
21:15That's the problem with you New Yorkers.
21:17You don't appreciate fine weaponry in your Bloomingdale's and your Zabar's.
21:21Cordy, I'm a country girl.
21:23Okay, I think you keep forgetting that.
21:25Like you forgot to clean up that oil spill of yours in the Gulf.
21:31Very good.
21:32Very good.
21:33Okay.
21:34Good, good.
21:35You know, this band hasn't played together since the great washboard feud.
21:38Is that so?
21:39Hey, Brian.
21:40Brian, Beth.
21:41Where are you guys going?
21:42You're the only people I know left.
21:43We're just uncomfortable around so many Confederate flags.
21:47And the lawn jockeys.
21:48I'm sorry.
21:49Happy birthday, Gary.
21:50Oh, thank you.
21:52Gary?
21:53Yeah?
21:54Not a lot of vegetarian options.
21:56I know.
21:57I'm sorry, Marjorie.
22:02Oh, God.
22:03What a mean face.
22:06Yeah.
22:07What's up, y'all?
22:09I just want to say a few words for Gary Walsh's 40th birthday.
22:15Who's Gary?
22:16Like Gary, I, too, was born in the glory that is the deep south of Maryland.
22:22So, you know, Gary and I both have our swimming holes and our fishing holes
22:27and all the holes you could ever possibly want.
22:30Right, Cordy?
22:31Um, but I want to tell you this one particular story.
22:36That's one of my favorite Southern memories.
22:39It's when my daddy first took me hunting for rabbits.
22:44And I got to tell you, my rifle was bigger than I was.
22:47I was just a tiny little thing.
22:50But the Second Amendment certainly did guarantee my right to use it.
22:54Hey, damn straight, huh?
22:56That's right.
22:57So anyway, I aim my shotgun at one of those rascals,
23:01and gosh darn it, the recoil plumb knocked me on my behind.
23:06I'm learning so much about Selena tonight.
23:08Sure enough.
23:09Me, too.
23:10I should update her Wikipedia page.
23:12Showed me the rabbit that I shot.
23:15But what my daddy didn't know, and I'm sorry if I get a little emotional telling this story,
23:22is that I saw him pull that dead rabbit out of his pocket.
23:27He just wanted to make his little girl as happy as a hound dog with a horse's Johnson.
23:34But at any rate, happy birthday, Gary.
23:37And I think the birthday boy would like to say a few words.
23:40Would you like to say a few words, Gary?
23:42Gary, you want to come up?
23:44Huh?
23:45No?
23:45Oh, I think he's feeling a little shy.
23:49So, um, uh, thank you all so much.
23:53And y'all enjoy the party and have a good time.
23:55Yeah.
23:56Well, all right.
24:01That was amazing.
24:02Yeah.
24:03As my father used to say, if that speech was a horse, it'd be a unicorn.
24:07Magical.
24:09I want to put that rabbit story in the book.
24:10Actually, Amy's in charge of the book.
24:11No, Amy's not in charge of the book.
24:13Oh, I wish I had a pen.
24:14Oh, you know, I just remembered I have a photographic memory.
24:16Oh, perfect, perfect, perfect.
24:17Can I talk to you just a second?
24:18Yeah, I want to talk to you, too.
24:20Yeah.
24:20Gary, I'm so sorry.
24:23Yeah.
24:24We have run out of bourbon.
24:25So do you think we could borrow some of your daddy's bourbon from his dash?
24:31Yeah, good, good.
24:33Good, good.
24:35I think that went well.
24:38There you are.
24:39I've been looking.
24:39Oh, my God.
24:41I'm so sorry that there's no food here.
24:44And the baby and I just got so hungry.
24:46And I need you to not be mad at me because I just, I just had, I had one bite.
24:50Brought you a second plate with extra pork.
24:52Imagine not now.
24:54I don't know who you are anymore.
25:02Just do what?
25:04Is that you?
25:05Jesus, Mary and Robert E. Lee.
25:08Gary, you startled me.
25:09What are you doing?
25:10Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.
25:11You snooping on me?
25:12No, I wasn't snooping.
25:13Oh, well, then what are you doing?
25:14Did your lady boss send you down to get a tampoon?
25:18No, that's not until next week.
25:19Ah, where you going?
25:21Hey, where you going?
25:23I tell you, if more people would have seen that side of you during the election,
25:26my God, you would have gotten their vote and you would have gotten mine.
25:29I think you probably would have won.
25:30Well, I'm telling you something.
25:32I want to talk to you, Cordy, about the library that I'm planning.
25:37Don't you walk away from me, boy.
25:40I'd do with you, yeah.
25:42That's my son, I guess.
25:44Nail buffer to the lady president.
25:46Just shut up, Daddy.
25:49I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color
25:56and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me.
25:59I know all about you.
26:01I know your secret.
26:04You, you're a bully.
26:06No, that's not it.
26:06You're a big, fat, flaming bully.
26:10You know, you can take Teddy and Bobby and Stuart and the other Bobby
26:14and you can be their daddy.
26:16I'm getting warmer.
26:17Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.
26:24Mama.
26:26Of course, Gary.
26:27Hey, everybody, hey.
26:29Danny, where the fuck were you?
26:30I've been trying to call you all night.
26:32A, it's Dan, and B, I don't have my phone because this morning's guest dropped it
26:36over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.
26:41Scrappiest underdog in cinematic history.
26:43Congressman Ryan, welcome back.
26:45We, uh, painted the green one green this time so there wouldn't be any confusion.
26:48Oh, perfect, thank you, yeah.
26:49Hey, handsome.
26:50Let the records speak.
26:51I did try to call you.
26:53What is the host of Christmas Pass doing here?
26:56Our interview.
26:57Checkers, bitch.
26:58You fucking kidding me?
27:00Dan, you've heard the old saying,
27:01you gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out
27:03to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.
27:05You're giving her the interview?
27:07Oh, I absolutely am because I hate your stupid perfect face
27:10and when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick
27:13to stay at home and jerk off to Jane McHale.
27:15I just can't hear that story enough.
27:18Thank you, Congressman.
27:19You're welcome.
27:20Dan, great to see you.
27:21I had fun last night.
27:22It was fun.
27:23Good.
27:24Come on with me.
27:24Be right with you.
27:25Well, congratulations, Jane.
27:28You finally fucked me.
27:29In the face.
27:32Do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs?
27:35That's why you should adopt, Amy.
27:36I'm not adopting.
27:37You know, the other day, Ellen was in her closet eating cello bow razzle.
27:41I really don't care, Mysha.
27:42Just, I really don't care.
27:47There it is.
27:49Oh my god, my house keys.
27:52This is the luckiest day ever.
27:54Did you guys find a belt?
27:55No belt.
27:55Wait, this is Leon West's diary.
28:00What?
28:03Oh my god, it is.
28:06So where's yours?
28:08And the little boy with the broken roller skates?
28:11He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.
28:14Who sadly was assassinated.
28:17And now, it's my pleasure to welcome back an old, old friend.
28:22Senior Correspondent Jane McCabe.
28:25If you don't already know my first guest's name, you've been hiding under a rock.
28:30It's Jonah Ryan.
28:31Joining me this morning is Jonah Ryan.
28:35Thank you, Jane, for having me in.
28:37Breaking news from Washington, D.C.
28:39Where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown.
28:43I'm sorry, what?
28:45We go live to the White House.
28:47No, we don't.
28:48No, we don't.
28:48Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say that we found a way
28:52to reach across the partisan divide and build a bridge.
28:55You've got to be kidding me.
28:57I did not authorize.
28:58I'd like to thank Congressman Clarence Clark and his Libertonians.
29:02I did not authorize.
29:02Thank you, Congressman.
29:03I did not authorize.
29:06He's pissing himself.
29:11Beat my wife with a frying pan.
29:13It's even hotter today.
29:15Yeah, I'm sorry the judge couldn't be here to say goodbye.
29:17He went off this morning on a business trip with Stewart to Key West.
29:20Oh, I bet he went off to one of his special holes.
29:22Hey, you two girls.
29:23How you doing?
29:24Yeah, we just cried a lot.
29:26Well, we're stronger for it.
29:27Yeah, I'm glad we're going in separate cars.
29:29I can tell you that.
29:29Imogene, thank you so much.
29:31Oh, you take good care of my Gary, okay?
29:34I've got great kids.
29:36Yeah, sure.
29:36You do whatever you want.
29:37Ma'am, I got a text from Ambassador Jaffar.
29:39He said he talked to Cordy who said he took to you like a hog to Persimmons.
29:42Is that a good thing?
29:43Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs.
29:45Well, I...
29:46And Cordy said all that hollering was a hoot and he wants to make a large donation to the library.
29:51Oh, that's fantastic.
29:52Oh, Gary.
29:53It's just too long between visits.
29:57You got such a hard job.
29:59There's so much I want to say to you.
30:00Well, we just won't say it.
30:02Gary!
30:03It's 105 degrees.
30:04Let's go.
30:04Come on, my God in heaven.
30:06I love you, mama.
30:07Take it easy, Imogene.
30:16Are you still not talking to me?
30:21Because I'm not going to apologize, you know?
30:24I would if I had something to apologize for, but I don't.
30:28I certainly don't need to apologize for anything.
30:31Okay, look it.
30:33Politicians borrow stuff all the time.
30:37Personal stories?
30:38Absolutely.
30:40I mean, you should be honored that I would think your story was special enough to even consider using it.
30:47Did you really like it?
30:49It's actually...
30:50It's like what my daddy used to say.
30:52He used to say if that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn.
30:58Because it was magical.
31:00Oh, that's nice.
31:02I mean, I did come all this way.
31:04I know.
31:05You know, like a thousand miles or something.
31:07So I wish you'd be a little more grateful.
31:10I'm sorry.
31:11I'm sorry.
31:12That's okay.
31:13I accept your apology.
31:16What is this?
31:19It's a children's portion, too.
31:20No.
31:21Yeah.
31:22No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39.
31:27All right, get in there.
31:27Just tear that animal apart.
31:30God.
31:34Oh, yeah.
31:36Oh, it's kind of messy.
31:37Oh, I'm going to help you.
31:40Well, look at that.
31:54You've got to admit, I told it better, though.
31:56Yeah, you did.
31:57You did.
31:58So I just told the senator that that is a non-denial denial.
32:02Like in all the president's men.
32:03It's, uh, I'm sorry.
32:05It's got Robert Redford.
32:09Nope, not taking that one.
32:11All right, cool.
32:13I'll see you at lunch or around the office.
32:20Fuck.
32:24Who despises me like this?
32:26Well, there's President Montez, Tom James.
32:29The White House maids.
32:30The Stuart White working-class voters.
32:34You have to join my league.
32:36I get first pick, and I pick graves.
32:39Why are you picking me?
32:40Because you're so tall.
32:41I can be very flirtatious.
32:45Nope.
32:46One of these days, she's going to make that face,
32:48and that eyeball of hers is going to pop out and shoot across the room.
32:51I know.