Veep Season 7 Episode 7 Veep
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Math teachers are terrorists.
00:03How about for once in your life you stop complaining and just man up?
00:09I've decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States.
00:14That bastard Ballantyne cut shingles from Type Boy Jonah.
00:17That makes you the governor of Iowa.
00:21You are not going to believe it. Tom James is fucking Michelle.
00:26You're gonna have to bet.
00:28What?
00:30What's going on here?
00:31I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Schmitz about the drone strike.
00:36This is about killing elephants.
00:38Does this affect my numbers, you think?
00:40Yes.
00:50Okay.
00:51All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight.
00:55Governor Calhoun, 420.
00:57Congressman Ryan, 453.
01:00Senator Talbot, 1,785.
01:05Boo!
01:06President Meyer, 1,817.
01:10No candidate has secured a delegate majority of 2,368, so we have no nominee.
01:19Did we win?
01:20Oh, yeah. I'm the president and you're the first lady.
01:23Oh, we would crush it.
01:25And it seems we have ourselves a deadlocked convention, the first since 1952.
01:31Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback.
01:34You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike.
01:37Furlong wants us to see all the candidates for a late night powwow.
01:40No offense, Marjorie.
01:41Some offense.
01:42You know, Mom, you need to tell the party that they never should have held the convention in North Carolina.
01:48Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace.
01:50Guys, who gives a shit where people shit?
01:53That is literally the point, Mother.
01:55Okay, then we agree, right?
01:57Shut up.
01:59All right, we have to get in touch with all the floor whips.
02:02We have to make sure our delegates hold.
02:04I'll whip their whips, ma'am.
02:05You know, the Chinese are ready to fix this whole damn election if I can be the nominee.
02:12No, that is the plan.
02:24How you doing there, John?
02:26Outstanding, ma'am.
02:27That's my hero.
02:28And keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my V.
02:32Because, you know, we might get a few more delegates out of this.
02:35Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic.
02:37Oh, God, is that still a thing?
02:39Two-time Ohio governor, 18 electoral college votes.
02:42Yeah, most importantly, he has a penis.
02:44Right, Governor?
02:46I'm still with you, ma'am.
02:48Till the end.
02:49Like we used to say back in Iraq.
02:51Might want to double-check that penis.
02:53That's Ken's job.
02:55Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out that the official count cannot be trusted.
03:00Oh, no, beautiful mindfuck.
03:02You are not going to desecrate my convention with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
03:07How do you explain that when I add up my delegates with Christian math...
03:12Amen.
03:13...the number is quite different than the official total?
03:16Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, Hep C, Kevin McHale.
03:20No, I wasn't.
03:21My apologies, Mr. Chairman.
03:23Madam President.
03:24What is Leon doing with her?
03:26Installing cameras in all our closets in the bathroom.
03:29So, what did I miss?
03:31Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?
03:35Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.
03:40Oh, well, there it is.
03:42That casual Meyer attitude towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband.
03:47Ex-husband.
03:48Step-husband.
03:49You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
03:54Oh, is that how you feel?
03:55Yes!
03:56Am I right?
03:57I mean, seriously.
03:58Hey!
03:59Hey!
04:00All right!
04:01Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major is treating this brokered convention
04:05like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough
04:09that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.
04:12Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, minus the big-titted part.
04:17We've never had a complaint, have we?
04:18But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split,
04:24we are going to wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons.
04:29That's not a problem for us, right?
04:31Okay, it's fine.
04:32Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay?
04:34None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore,
04:37so it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples.
04:41And what else, Will?
04:42And may the best man win.
04:44And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate
04:49and make tender hate to my rear and mouth in that order at his leisure.
04:54Beautiful. Well done, pig.
04:56Dismissed.
04:58Selina, you got a minute?
05:00Roger, I don't want to hear it.
05:02Selina, we need a ticket.
05:03Just offer her veep.
05:05You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket is gonna make everyone rock hard.
05:09I don't need her, okay?
05:11I've got the diving bell and the governor.
05:13Just make the deal, or what's gonna happen, Will?
05:17Oh, shit, Will left. It was a good one.
05:19Sorry to miss that.
05:20Ma'am.
05:21Oh, God, go away, Amy. Really, your voice is like a crow.
05:24But, ma'am.
05:25I just wanted to discuss...
05:26No, I just...
05:27There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration,
05:32or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present, okay?
05:36I'll be right back.
05:39Caballeros.
05:40Caballeros.
05:41Do you want to close the thing?
05:42Nice try, Amy.
05:43Ben, we've already got Florida. We've got a buttload of delegates.
05:46Amy, your offer is as appealing as a sriracha enema.
05:49So, fuck your offer, and fuck you.
05:52It's always good to see you, Amy.
05:53You, too.
05:54Miss you guys.
05:55Keith, you having fun?
05:56Yes, thank you.
05:57Well, I have to go.
05:59Wow, thank you.
06:01Oh, thank you.
06:02I hope I can count on your support.
06:04What are they clapping like that for?
06:06Congratulations, ma'am, you just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law.
06:10What?
06:11I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard.
06:14The keynote speech was such a hit.
06:16The New York Times?
06:17Krugman is positively cramming his khakis.
06:20Amazing speech last night, Governor Spence.
06:22Thank you, thank you.
06:23What state are you a delegate from?
06:24Ukraine.
06:25A Wisconsin sister state.
06:27Can I get a photo with you, please, now?
06:29Sure.
06:30Absolutely not, thank you, though.
06:31How about I order you two?
06:32No, that's fine.
06:33Sound good?
06:34No, that's fine.
06:35I'm so sorry your wife couldn't make the convention conference.
06:36We have to go, let's go.
06:37Okay, good seeing you.
06:38Enjoy the convention.
06:40Good morning, ma'am.
06:41Some disturbing rumblings from Justice.
06:43Oh, I'm sorry.
06:44Oh, it's okay, Ben.
06:46You've seen behind the curtain.
06:47My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt on the Meyer Fund.
06:51Oh, come on.
06:52Well, that's Leon.
06:54I don't know.
06:55Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them?
06:58It's lip time.
06:59Let's do lips.
07:00No, no, no.
07:01I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination, okay?
07:04Because it's discontinued.
07:05I'm wearing it now.
07:06There's a simple solution for this, okay?
07:08Just ask Kemi to be your VP.
07:10I cannot stand her.
07:13And I don't say that about a lot of people.
07:16Plus, she called me a criminal last night.
07:19You know, Ket and I were up all night doing the numbers.
07:21You know, in the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt,
07:25I would rather cheese grater my clip.
07:28Okay, so we'll put a pin in that.
07:30That too.
07:31Morning.
07:32Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior.
07:34Oh, really?
07:35We're very proud of you for standing up for the trans community.
07:38Oh, well, thank you, Peppermint Patty.
07:40But you're not a...
07:42Oh, no, ma'am.
07:43I'm a cis woman.
07:44Right.
07:45I mean, that's not a crazy question to ask.
07:47Not at all.
07:48You and your gay pals can make me the grand marshal
07:53of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic.
07:56Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men have any natural affinity.
08:01As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted by male homosexuals.
08:05Excuse me?
08:06How'd she feel about tedious lesbians?
08:08Big fan, ma'am.
08:14So how's the piss heard around the world playing with all the delegates?
08:18Ma'am, the NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport.
08:22This is why everyone should just fly private.
08:24You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle.
08:27Oh, God.
08:28Ma'am, Governor DeVito is here to speak with you about his speech.
08:31Okay.
08:32Great.
08:33John boy.
08:35Johnny?
08:37Hmm.
08:39Is he...
08:40Ah!
08:41And there he is.
08:43Governor DeVito.
08:44Yes, my running mate.
08:45Well, not literally, of course, but...
08:48Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech?
08:50I did.
08:51And I have to tell you something.
08:53It is a delight.
08:54I wouldn't change a word.
08:56Isn't that right, Ben?
08:57Absolutely.
08:58So I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers, and I'm...
09:00Okay, okay.
09:01Kent.
09:02She loves your speech.
09:03Especially the line,
09:04there are really three Americas.
09:06I'm so glad you responded to that.
09:07She's gonna use that in her speech.
09:09Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
09:11Well, the most compelling number to me is not a number at all.
09:14It's a concept.
09:15I said pretend, okay?
09:16I was pretending.
09:17My favorite number is Euler's number.
09:19She's also gonna take the line,
09:20no matter what, I will always stand for America?
09:23Well, that's a reference to my legs.
09:24She'll tweak it.
09:25Okay, so are we good then?
09:26Everything cool?
09:27Great.
09:28All set.
09:29Okay, fantastic.
09:30Thank you so much for coming.
09:31Really, honestly.
09:32Bye-bye.
09:33Take care.
09:36So good seeing you.
09:39Take good care.
09:41Hey, Madam President.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:43We're still good on the veep slot, right?
09:45Oh, yeah, 100%.
09:46You're my veep.
09:47All right.
09:48Great.
09:51See you soon.
09:53I want to offer Buddy Calhoun veep.
09:57Okay.
09:58Because with his delegates and all that bodily BS,
10:01the rest of the delegates will have to fall in line,
10:03and Kemi can go and suck lecture circuit dick in hell,
10:07and by hell, I mean the Kennedy schools.
10:09Hey, ma'am.
10:10Yeah?
10:11The floor whips are picking up a rumor
10:12that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi.
10:15Oh, please.
10:16Buddy's not flirting with anything
10:17that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap.
10:19Hey, guys.
10:20God created men's rooms and women's rooms,
10:23not everyone rooms.
10:25I don't think Buddy's going to be taking your veep slot.
10:27I don't want to go into a bathroom
10:29and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals.
10:32I want that person that I'm next to
10:34to be a man, or better yet, lots of men.
10:37Glory, glory, hallelujah.
10:39Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is joining forces with Kemi...
10:42Yeah, we've got to call Kemi right away.
10:44No, not her.
10:46We're going to call Amy, um...
10:48Brookheimer.
10:49Brookheimer.
10:51What are you guys doing here?
10:52You're here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS News?
10:55I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
10:57I've got to go be interviewed by Mike on CBS.
11:00Guess me's been bumped.
11:01Although, you know what?
11:02ABC News is doing a piece on presidential also-rans
11:04who can almost suck their own dicks.
11:06So while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them?
11:08Oh, like you've never tried.
11:09I'm probably going to need that mic.
11:11You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa,
11:14but after your electrifying speech
11:16just two nights ago,
11:18party insiders are calling you Richard Splett,
11:20future of the party.
11:22Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks.
11:24Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my ASL skills,
11:27you know, for the deaf American delegates.
11:31Yeah.
11:32All right, let's talk turkey, Governor.
11:34Oh, wonderful pets.
11:35What about all these rumors that Senator Talbot
11:37is talking to you about a position in her administration?
11:41You know, when you listen to rumors,
11:43you rue more than...
11:45Nope, I don't know where I was going with that.
11:47Works in sign language.
11:50Very cagey.
11:51Jane, back to you.
11:53All clear.
11:54Thanks for hashtagging me.
11:55Richard, that was fantastic.
11:56Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you,
11:5825 things that no one knows about you.
12:00Oh, number ones? I love lists.
12:02Oh, Dan.
12:03Oh, hey, man.
12:04What kind of suit is that?
12:05Hugo Boss?
12:07What's wrong with this suit?
12:08Oh, it's not networking.
12:11Hello, America.
12:13Ma'am, come on in and see me.
12:15Ben, move.
12:16Amy, we've been working together a really long time,
12:19it just occurred to me,
12:20and you've always been kind of like a sister to me.
12:23A daughter?
12:24More like a childless aunt.
12:25I just thought, for old times' sake,
12:27I might throw you a bone.
12:28Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau
12:32to back me on the second ballot tonight,
12:36and we might be able to find something for him at Ben.
12:41Where can he do the least amount of harm?
12:45EPA.
12:47Perfect.
12:52What is happening?
12:54Was she always like this?
12:56It used to be worse.
12:57You haven't heard.
12:59I haven't heard what, Amy?
13:00Oh, shit.
13:02The suspect in the JFK bombing is one Mr. Abdul Azim,
13:08a high school mathematics teacher
13:10whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam
13:13and trigonometry.
13:15So are a lot of people's.
13:16Move. Move.
13:18...teaches 7th grade algebra and 8th grade trigonometry.
13:22Jonah was right.
13:25He was spectacularly right.
13:28And you know what that makes me, sister?
13:31Spidy?
13:32The campaign manager for the next president
13:34of the United States.
13:36So if you want to discuss potential opportunities
13:40for yourself in the Ryan administration,
13:44maybe I'll throw you a bone.
13:49Ma'am, this is bad.
13:52I know.
13:54Do you want me to take care of Amy?
13:56For the last year, I have been crisscrossing the country,
14:01warning America about the threat of math
14:04to our way of life, which is why President Meyer,
14:08Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun,
14:12I have something to say to you.
14:14I told you so.
14:16He told you so.
14:17Yeah.
14:18Oh, hey, do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife,
14:21Beth?
14:22She just got out of rehab today.
14:24Yeah.
14:25And plus, while she was in there,
14:27she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places,
14:29so she's hella even hotter than she was before.
14:32Kill her!
14:33Yeah.
14:34I mean, not her, man, but yeah, sure.
14:37Look, I love America.
14:40But it is time to face facts.
14:43This is a horrific country that is falling apart
14:47because it is full of people who are different than me.
14:50I was right.
14:52And that means I should be president.
14:57All right, that is 34 more delegates from Selena
15:00and 17 from Kemi.
15:02We have Florida.
15:04All right, guys, next stop, the White House,
15:07and then it's payback time.
15:09Mom!
15:10Hi, Klai.
15:11She's out?
15:12Oh, no, I'm all better.
15:13Hi, Beth.
15:14Oh, hi, Amber.
15:15We just got denounced by the ACLU.
15:18We are going to win this thing!
15:22Yes!
15:23Well done, my boy!
15:25We did it!
15:26Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom
15:29someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours
15:33is going to do great things.
15:35I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester
15:38and use the money to get her tubes tied.
15:40We're family.
15:41Come here, you.
15:43You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling
15:46I'm having right now.
15:47I can't remember it.
15:48It sounds like three Germans coming real hard
15:51and saying something that doesn't want them to.
15:53Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.
15:56That's not the only reason I'm here.
15:58I come bearing gifts.
16:00New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours!
16:05Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff!
16:07Give me Vermont.
16:09Yes, this is Jeff Cain.
16:11Sweet talk, then.
16:12Mm-hmm.
16:13Yeah, Jeff Cain, who am I speaking with?
16:16Oh, how's your day?
16:18Uh-huh, uh-huh.
16:20Shut the fuck up!
16:21Listen, you Subaru-driving bulldikes!
16:24You better back Jonah on the next ballot
16:26or you will be leaf-peeping
16:28from inside your own maple-syrup-soaked assholes!
16:34I'll give them five minutes and I'll hit them with bad cop.
16:37They're calling it Ryan Fever.
16:39The former congressman's message is finding a new audience.
16:43Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times
16:47and I'm not even a serial killer,
16:49so I just... Okay, forget it.
16:52Ma'am.
16:53What?
16:54Ma'am.
16:55What?
16:56The captain of the Texas delegation
16:57says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah.
17:02No, no, we cannot lose Texas.
17:03No!
17:04Texas is our firewall.
17:05Right, no, listen, Ben.
17:06What?
17:07You gotta go back to Texas right now, okay?
17:09And just tell them they can violate me
17:11with their assault rifles
17:13and a full slab of ribs
17:15on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks.
17:19You gotta go do that, Ben.
17:20Go do that right now.
17:21Texas is our firewall.
17:22Yeah, do it!
17:23Ma'am.
17:24Ma'am.
17:25You need to see this.
17:26We never got proper answers about the Meyer Fund
17:29or its many foreign donors.
17:31This is Leo.
17:32That is why I've asked the Justice Department
17:34and the FBI to reopen its investigation.
17:36Oh, my God.
17:37The president was in close contact with her husband,
17:40Andrew Meyer, right up until his extremely suspicious step.
17:44Why is this so hard?
17:48I just want to be president.
17:51Do you want six almonds?
17:54No!
17:56This, Kent, is why I was right not to offer her beef.
18:01She's the worst.
18:02Yeah.
18:03Ma'am, all due respect,
18:05maybe you should consider being her beef.
18:12That's not fucking funny, Kent.
18:14I haven't been funny since 1987.
18:17Uh, ma'am.
18:18What?
18:19Adios, New Mexico.
18:23Oh, hey, Ben.
18:26Jesus.
18:27At least he's getting some exercise.
18:29Oh, yes!
18:31Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you
18:33about the Secretary of Congress.
18:35I wish.
18:36Sounds much better than the conversation we were having
18:38about why his urine is pink.
18:40We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are
18:42and had to rule it right back in for the same reason.
18:44Richard, look.
18:45There was no offer, okay?
18:47It was me.
18:48I pulled that turd out of my ass,
18:49covered it in ketchup,
18:50and Politico asked for seconds.
18:51You could have ended that sentence at me.
18:53Listen, one thing is clear
18:54after this runaway Ferris wheel of a convention,
18:56and that's that Montez is going to be president
18:58for another four years.
18:59Well, it makes sense.
19:00She made me proud to be an American again.
19:02Okay, but after that, it's split time.
19:04Oh, well, we can't call it that
19:06unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast.
19:08No, Senator.
19:09This whole Meyer Fund story is a distraction, sir.
19:13The way a magician does tricks
19:15to distract you from how depressing his life is.
19:19And I... I'm gonna... I'll call you back.
19:22So what'd you find out?
19:24Um...
19:25What?
19:26I... I...
19:27Ajay?
19:29Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
19:31He's having a heart attack.
19:32Eight times a charm.
19:33Oh, my God!
19:34Why didn't you stay here with us, Vince?
19:36I don't know the names of any of the floor whips.
19:38We need EMTs up at the Meyer box stat,
19:41white male, type 2 diabetes, also type 1.
19:44Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor.
19:46Ma'am, there's something happening on the floor.
19:48You need to see...
19:49I'm gonna roll you over, ma'am.
19:50I'm gonna roll you over.
19:51No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:53What?
19:54Just look down.
19:55Oh, my God!
19:57You know, I just want to say
19:59I was roadkill on the side of the political highway.
20:03One of the nice things about being dead
20:06is it gives you time to think.
20:08Also, fewer telemarketers.
20:11But I thought, and I thought
20:13that I don't like the direction our party is taking.
20:16Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee
20:18is everyone's just saying the same old, same old.
20:21Run, Tom, run!
20:23Right, Tom, right!
20:24What do you think I'm trying to do?
20:25Right, Tom, right!
20:26Powerful words from Tom James.
20:29Let's go now to Michael McClintock
20:31on the convention floor with Senator Tom James,
20:35whose potential Hail Mary is gaining steam.
20:39I'm reading the wrong part.
20:43Many now say Tom James is the only answer they'll accept
20:47as the brokered convention drags on.
20:50I honestly think I might be in hell.
20:53No such place, ma'am.
20:54The concept of hell is a cultural memory
20:56of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples.
21:01You're making a strong case for hell.
21:03Tom played it perfectly.
21:04He'll clinch a nomination on tomorrow night's ballot.
21:09Knock, knock.
21:11Take state.
21:13Senator.
21:14Here to rub it in, Tom?
21:16No rubbing.
21:17Gary, get...
21:20No, I just came by to see how Ben was.
21:24My first congressional race,
21:25Ben can't have been more than 140 years old.
21:28He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me.
21:31Well, they may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so...
21:35It's what he always wanted.
21:37All right, let's go.
21:38Start your gloating,
21:39make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make.
21:43I didn't come here to make an offer.
21:45I don't have the patience for this, all right?
21:47And I'm certainly not gonna beg.
21:48I'm not asking you to beg.
21:50There's nothing to beg for.
21:51You don't have a political future, Selina.
21:54That is your punishment.
21:56Punishment?
21:58What are you talking about?
22:00I have people who like me,
22:01lots of people with signs.
22:03New Selina now, that is working.
22:05The party and the nation will never forget
22:08all that door you pushed open.
22:11Yes, backwards, in in heels.
22:15Hang in there.
22:18Wait a minute, wait a minute.
22:20Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
22:22Please, come on.
22:25If Tom, when we're not the worst team ever,
22:30we make a really good team.
22:33Please.
22:35Oh, Madam President,
22:37Senator of the New York delegation is on the phone.
22:39Well, it's been fun.
22:41Let's do this again at Ben's next cardio-pulmonary event.
22:46I'll wave at you from the stage.
22:48Yeah, well, that was gloating.
22:50Oh, but...
22:51Yeah.
22:54Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face.
23:18Oh, I could use a drink.
23:22Yeah, me too.
23:27Tom James.
23:29Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot.
23:32I think this is it for me too.
23:34Oh, no, you're gonna be fine.
23:37You're gonna be good as new,
23:39and then we'll figure out my next move.
23:41Well, I had a dozen heart attacks,
23:44and you know, if I play my cards right,
23:47I'll have a dozen more,
23:49but I think this is my last rodeo.
23:51No, Ben.
23:53You're my hatchet man.
23:56You're the hatchet man.
23:58I need you.
24:02How can I do this without you?
24:05Don't be an idiot, Selina.
24:09You know exactly what to do.
24:11No.
24:16Yeah.
24:17Yeah.
24:19Hey.
24:29Hey, do me a favor.
24:32What?
24:35Don't tell my wife and kids, okay?
24:39I mean, I could really use the break.
24:41It's not a problem.
24:43Never met him.
25:01Yeah?
25:04Okay.
25:07Tom's making a move on New York,
25:09so you get a hold of Governor Schnozzelstein right now.
25:13You tell him I want to see him tonight.
25:15I'm not gonna let them take this from me, okay?
25:18Go.
25:25Can't say I blame you.
25:27I mean, that nutmeg state,
25:29indefinable, really turns my hydrant on.
25:32The only difference is that I was
25:34the most exciting conquest of his life,
25:37and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine.
25:40I don't know what you're talking about,
25:42because I am the senator's chief of staff.
25:44Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for now.
25:46But trust me, he will never see you as anything
25:50other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactive
25:53who lets him bend you over his desk
25:56while you close your eyes to avoid coming face to face
26:00with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen
26:04while he drowns your little mermaid back tat
26:08in a pool of jizz and admires his own reflection.
26:12Jesus, wow.
26:14I just hate to see smart women
26:16throw away their political careers on powerful men
26:20who only see them as the gash of least resistance.
26:26Hmm.
26:30I mean, you strike me as a smart woman.
26:35Are you?
26:37Yeah, well.
26:42New York is in the bag.
26:48Congressman, how do you take your coffee?
26:50Decaf.
26:51Okay.
26:53Yep.
26:54Here we go.
26:56So, Congressman, tell me something.
26:59What can we offer up to the Montana delegation
27:02that would really dick-slap them?
27:04And I mean that in a good way, of course.
27:06And I'll tell you something else.
27:07I think that...
27:09You fucking monster!
27:12You soulless, conniving cunt!
27:15Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
27:19Oh, unless it's this.
27:21Right here.
27:22The moment I began working for Senator James,
27:25his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner.
27:30Is that the problem?
27:31Fuck!
27:32Senator James took advantage of his power over me.
27:34He did what?
27:36I had to endure sex acts that included...
27:39Yeah.
27:40It's so great.
27:41What did you offer her?
27:42I didn't offer her anything.
27:44I mean, I helped her with the wording.
27:46Oh, this fuck...
27:47Look, look.
27:48This is my favorite part right here, actually.
27:50I was just this naive, innocent young woman
27:54Innocent young woman?
27:56That's hilarious, don't you think?
27:58That girl doesn't exist anymore.
28:01She's dead, murdered by Tom James.
28:04Oh, yeah.
28:05That is actually all me.
28:07I will take credit for that.
28:08She didn't want to do it, but I was like,
28:10Oh, you've got to.
28:11My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone.
28:15I am now a national fucking pariah.
28:18Why would you do this, Selena?
28:20I guess that the Tom James charm only goes so far with the ladies.
28:24I mean, that's one theory, but...
28:26Oh, listen.
28:27Walt, I've got you.
28:28Is it okay if I don't wave to you from the stage?
28:31Because, you know, with all of this, you know,
28:34I need to keep my distance.
28:36You understand that, right?
28:37Excuse me.
28:40I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption.
28:42What the fuck are you?
28:45Bye, Tom.
28:47Toodaloo.
28:51So emotional, right?
28:53This is why we need a woman in office.
29:01So, well, what else do we need to talk about?
29:05Federal lands.
29:06They need to be protected.
29:08We need more drilling.
29:10For drilling purposes.
29:12Let's frack the crap out of it.
29:14Governor Calhoun, what do I have to do to get your support?
29:17President Meyer, I am a simple man.
29:19I see that.
29:20Of faith.
29:21Oh, uh-huh.
29:22But after this bathroom incident...
29:23Oh, that was just an accident.
29:25Really?
29:26Free to pee you and me, right?
29:28Madam President, homosexuality is no laughing matter.
29:32Okay.
29:33Pernicious homosexuals are luring decent,
29:36God-fearing, heterosexual men
29:39into sin and sweaty degradation.
29:44You know, buddy, I gotta tell you something.
29:48It happens.
29:50And you can't beat yourself up about it.
29:54What?
29:55Never mind. I hear what you're saying.
29:57Let's move forward.
29:58Yes, Governor.
29:59I am prepared to offer you
30:02Secretary of Education.
30:05Well, ma'am...
30:07How about that?
30:08As excited as I would be
30:10to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum,
30:13I am just a little bit uneasy
30:15about all this Meyer fund scuttlebutt.
30:17I'll kill gay marriage in exchange for your support.
30:22I will raw dog a plank,
30:25write up our party's platform,
30:27and I will outlaw same-sex marriage.
30:32Governor, can I get an amen?
30:35You can get an amen,
30:37and I'll throw in a hallelujah.
30:38I love it.
30:39And my endorsement.
30:40Thank you, sir.
30:41Wow.
30:42Wonderful.
30:43Yeah, wow.
30:44I think we're buddies now, aren't we?
30:45Oh, yeah, very much.
30:46Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex?
30:49Well, under certain circumstances, we are, yeah.
30:52So, buddy up.
30:53Buddy up.
30:54Buddy up.
30:55That's a great expression.
30:56Thank you so, so much.
30:58He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay.
31:02Impressive negotiation, ma'am,
31:03but we are still approximately 662 votes short.
31:07I am well aware.
31:08Good.
31:10Ma'am, you wanted to see me?
31:13That's incorrect.
31:16Not in that outfit, but, yeah, come on in.
31:19Amy, um...
31:29I want to offer Jonah the VP slot.
31:32What?
31:33What?
31:34Yeah, it's the only move we have left now,
31:36and we're gonna have to get it done today.
31:38Oh, ma'am, there are still numerous permutations
31:41that can play out here.
31:42You don't have to do this.
31:43Do the goddamn Islamic math.
31:45You're the numbers guy.
31:46Fuck the numbers!
31:48I will not be part of a campaign,
31:50let alone an administration,
31:52that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president.
31:55That is an entirely unacceptable outcome.
31:57Amy, you want to talk some sense into him?
32:00Don't do it.
32:02What?
32:03Don't.
32:04Make Jonah your VP.
32:07Wow, you know what I just remembered?
32:09You are a terrible campaign manager.
32:14Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive,
32:17narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat
32:19away from the presidency,
32:21let alone be the president.
32:23Amy, there's no safer place to stick
32:26Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C.
32:29Being vice president is like being declawed,
32:33defanged, neutered, ball gagged,
32:37and sealed in an abandoned coal mine
32:40under two miles of human shit.
32:44It is a fate worse than death.
32:47Besides, I'm not gonna die,
32:50because I got the heart and the twat
32:52of a high school cheerleader
32:54who's only done anal.
32:57I am, I'm begging you, please.
32:59Ma'am, you're treating me.
33:00Supplicating, besieging,
33:01Let's stick with the end.
33:03No!
33:05I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
33:07I don't even like to change planes here.
33:10Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president.
33:12You got it?
33:13And that's final.
33:14So get off your knees and cut out
33:16this melodramatic bullshit.
33:19Let's go.
33:23What's the rush?
33:24Oh, hey, you're my guy.
33:30Okay, so I think we know why we are here.
33:32Yes, ma'am.
33:33Yes, we do.
33:34I don't know why we are here.
33:35Me neither.
33:36But I love meeting new people.
33:38She is offering you vice president,
33:42you monument of vaginal dryness.
33:49Well, then, no.
33:51I'm sorry?
33:54I said no, as in never.
33:56I will be president or I will be nothing.
33:59And, in fact, if I don't get the nomination,
34:01I might run as a third party
34:03just to fuck your shit up.
34:05You shut the fuck up!
34:07You gum-resist, face-anus,
34:09don't-you-see-you've-just-been-offered-the-second-most-powerful-job-in-the-world!
34:14No, you shut up, Uncle Jep.
34:16I will not let anyone speak to me like that.
34:19President or nothing?
34:21Yeah.
34:22Are you kidding me?
34:23You cockless cockroach!
34:25I'm giving you a chance.
34:27Remember this, Uncle Jep.
34:29I will not sit here and make this ass with you
34:31when they cut over your corpse.
34:34Figure out what the fuck you were!
34:37Okay, fine!
34:39Jesus fucking Christ, I'll be vice president.
34:42Just stop yelling at me.
34:43All right, come on.
34:45Crisis is now a burden.
34:46No, I have one condition.
34:48Oh, shit.
34:49I want my best friend, Richard.
34:50No, and your only friend.
34:51I want Richard to be secretary of barm shit.
34:55Well, we're gonna have to fire Dan.
34:57Why do you want to fire him?
34:59Um, just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier.
35:03You know, feminism.
35:05That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.
35:07Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.
35:09Oh, thank you, Sherman.
35:11Listen, when you have a sec,
35:12I want to talk to you about one of the biggest challenges
35:14facing the country in the 21st century.
35:16Okay, sure. Tell me right now.
35:17Casino licenses in Macau.
35:19Oh, in Mac...
35:20Did you hear that, Keith?
35:21How could you tell me that it is not true?
35:24Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something.
35:28Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage
35:32to get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement.
35:35Catherine, it is just the party platform.
35:38It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do.
35:42Restore faith in democracy?
35:44I mean, we couldn't do that even if we wanted to.
35:47You cannot do this.
35:48I will never forgive you.
35:50Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every mother,
35:53I will never forgive you.
35:54Bazillionaire.
35:55Correct.
35:56Now, listen, Mommy's got a lot of work to do right now, sweetie.
35:59I have to write the press release for my VP pic, so...
36:02Here you go.
36:03Thank you very much.
36:04Why is Jonah helping you?
36:06Started from the bottom, now we're here.
36:08Baka, baka, baka.
36:10Yeah.
36:11Oh, my God.
36:12Are you out of your fucking mind, Graham, ma'am?
36:16Oh, no.
36:17Oh, God.
36:18Okay.
36:19I will never forgive you for this.
36:21Hmm?
36:22Ka-ching.
36:23Yep.
36:24I'm sorry about that, Buzz.
36:25Oh, that's okay.
36:26Cheerio.
36:27And on this history-making 11th valedictory,
36:30it looks like the convention will finally have its nominee.
36:34Great state of North Carolina,
36:37the home of historically black Banff State University
36:41and historically white Duke University,
36:45would like to yield to the great state of Maryland.
36:49Mr. Chairman, I move that Selina Meyer be selected by disproportion,
36:55by acclamation, as our nominee for president of the United States.
37:03All those in favor of nominating President Selina Meyer by acclamation, say aye.
37:10Aye.
37:11All opposed, please say no.
37:13I move the measure is adopted.
37:18We did it.
37:25I was three years old the first time my father put me on a horse,
37:30and I fell right off.
37:37They say experience is the best teacher,
37:40and although my own daughter never learned to ride well,
37:43I have made it my mission in life to teach.
37:46I've waited a long time for this.
37:49Yeah, this Meyer Fund thing isn't going away.
37:52It's stickier than a red wine and curry dump.
37:55We can't have a damaged nominee.
37:57I know.
37:58Somebody's going to go down for this, Selina.
38:00Like myself, I'm only a traveling German businessman.
38:02I've had Dubuque breakfast and breakfast.
38:04Not now, Will. Read the room.
38:06Somebody's got to go down for this, Selina.
38:08I just said I know, Roger.
38:11Congratulations.
38:13Look who I found.
38:15Look who I found.
38:16Oh, hey, John.
38:17Oh, yeah.
38:18So I'm going to take two more lines from your speech, okay?
38:22Here, okay?
38:23That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul after the IED attack.
38:28Yeah, I'm going to tweak it.
38:30And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, but I need you to understand.
38:35Oh, so you'll probably want to cut the line about you being the vice president, right?
38:41Yeah.
38:42Okay.
38:43Let's go.
38:44And pass it on to the next generation in space.
38:48Over the years, I may have been thrown off a few times, but like my daddy taught me,
38:54you always get right back on.
38:57Life's America.
39:01And now, to introduce our party's nominee.
39:05All right.
39:06Break a leg.
39:08John DeVito of Ohio.
39:12Come on.
39:13Come on.
39:15It'd be faster just to lay down and roll.
39:18I know.
39:19Hello.
39:20I'm John DeVito.
39:21And like the soldiers I served with, I'm here to talk tonight about a woman who always
39:26keeps her word.
39:27All right.
39:28Hey.
39:29Hey, Gary.
39:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:31I need you to do something for me.
39:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:34You got something on your teeth.
39:35Hold on.
39:36Sorry.
39:37Just one second.
39:38Anyway, listen.
39:39Yeah.
39:40It's kind of important, actually.
39:41Oh, okay.
39:42And I would also say that it's not easy.
39:44Okay.
39:45And it's kind of also not fair.
39:48You want coffee from across the street?
39:50Yeah?
39:51Ah, I got it.
39:53A little chia seed.
39:55Nah, never mind.
39:57I forget I ever said anything.
39:59You look beautiful.
40:01And you are a lifesaver.
40:03Oh.
40:04Oh, come on.
40:05Yeah.
40:06I couldn't have done it without you.
40:08Don't worry.
40:09I'm not going anywhere.
40:11Not in the state of America.
40:13Selina Mara.
40:21Hi!
40:22I'm Selina Mara.
40:23And I proudly accept your nomination for president of the United States of America!
40:40Even if it took a while!
40:47The journey that we begin tonight has been many, many years in the making.
40:54And it all started in Kabul.
40:58Waking up in a hotel bed.
41:03Davido's a hell of a speechwriter.
41:05Good evening, Mr. Caperti.
41:08You ready for your Spongebob?
41:11Call me Ben.
41:13To make the world a safer, cleaner, better place!
41:20So, where do we go?
41:22President Mayer offered me Secretary of Agriculture.
41:25Yes, Richard!
41:27Secretary of Swagriculture?
41:29Oh my God, yes!
41:31Go back to Washington, baby.
41:33But...
41:34No, no buts, Richard.
41:36If you ever in your life don't think so much, just say yes.
41:39Yes.
41:40Good man.
41:41But, the but was, but you have to fire Dan.
41:44So, I guess you're fired.
41:46What?
41:47Thanks for making this easy with me.
41:50I gotta do an apology.
41:52To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it anyway.
41:54Finally, I wanted to say a word about sacrifice.
42:00To lose something for the greater good.
42:05And when I look back on my 52 years with almost 30 of them spent in public service,
42:14there is no one who has sacrificed more than me.
42:20And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me from standing and walking for my country.
42:35Thank you, and God bless America!
42:51God bless you.
42:53Oh, thank you.
42:57Oh, my God.
43:18Rock and roll!
43:26Rock and roll!
43:31Congratulations, ma'am.
43:34We're going back to the White House.
43:36Congratulations to you, Amy.
43:39You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff.
43:42Huh?
43:43I don't like the way you talked to me the other day.
43:48Yeah.
43:49Yeah.
43:51Yes.
43:56He's a super-v, super-v, super-v babe.
44:01Hi, Sue.
44:04Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President.
44:06The President told me to pencil you in to half-pass.
44:09Go fuck yourself.
44:10Sue, when I am President...
44:12You won't be.
44:13If you want to work for me...
44:14I don't.
44:15Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve.
44:18I am.
44:19Sue, as Vice President of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office.
44:26God damn it!
44:30I'm just gonna pop my head in.
44:31Nice to see you, Amy.
44:35Ma'am, Joint Chiefs are getting a little squirrely about Chinese tank movements near the Tibetan border.
44:40What a bunch of pussies.
44:41And, ma'am, we're expecting a call from the Israeli Prime Minister about the Palestinian food riots.
44:46That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary?
44:48Oh, ma'am, Gary doesn't work here.
44:51I know. Why are you telling me things that I already know?
44:53Sorry.
44:54You know.
44:55But I would be more than happy to get you something to eat. What would you like?
44:58You figure that out.
44:59Why am I coming up with solutions for you? That's your job, right?
45:02Sorry, ma'am.
45:03That's not my job.
45:04Sorry, ma'am.
45:05I mean, the level of incompetence in this office is just...
45:09I'm sorry.
45:22Ma'am, the Israeli Prime Minister is on Line 3.
45:27David?
45:29Shalom.
45:30So what did the Palestinians do this time?
45:33David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine was exactly the same way.
45:37A whiner.
45:41This is your speech for this afternoon.
45:45Jesus Christ.
45:47Oh, no, no. Not you, David.
45:49Yes.
45:51Well, tell me, how can the United States help you?
46:04Good afternoon. I'm Michael McClintock.
46:07With live coverage of the funeral of Selina Meyer, America's first woman president.
46:12While she may have only served one full term, Meyer is fondly remembered for briefly freeing what was once known as the Nation of Tibet.
46:21As well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage.
46:25The former president passed away earlier this week at the age of 76, or possibly 77.
46:31Or according to some sources, 75.
46:33After lying in state in the capital, her casket made the journey to her final resting place.
46:39The Selina Meyer Presidential Library at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts.
46:46Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer to sit in the front row are many former rivals in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and goodwill.
46:58Former President Laura Montez, the Dalai Lama.
47:01Former Vice President Andrew Doyle.
47:03Former two-term president, Kemi Talbot, who will deliver her eulogy.
47:07How does Mike have more hair than I do?
47:09Maybe because he has two testicles.
47:11Oh, Montez looks good. I'd still do her.
47:13Well, count me in.
47:15You know, I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral anyway.
47:17Well, then it's a good thing that you got impeached and they didn't have to invite you.
47:21Catherine, you're missing it.
47:23Coming!
47:24You know, Richard, there are few things in life more difficult than the loss of a parent.
47:28Who wants margaritas?
47:30Over here.
47:32What did I miss?
47:35The presidential motorcade has arrived.
47:37And here comes President of the United States, Richard Splett, and the First Lady, Annette Splett.
47:42Somber, but elegant.
47:44Basking in the glow of a landslide re-election following President Splett's historic three-state solution, Middle East Peace Agreement.
47:52For which he won the Nobel Prize.
48:05We have 48 of El Paco now, 17 on the way.
48:09My daughter is stepping down from NASA to take over the ranch so I can focus on my watchmaking.
48:15We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made.
48:18Best. Best. Our greyhounds are our kids.
48:22Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? I forget her name.
48:26Betcha Ben did, too.
48:28It means he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck.
48:31Sorry.
48:33How long's it been, Ames?
48:35Damn. The last time I saw you, your wife was being born.
48:402019?
48:42Oh, and by the way, if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property in the Laguna Beach area, I'm your guy. It's my son.
48:48You losers waiting around to make sure she's actually dead while you sit in the back row sucking on hard candies like what, Will?
48:56I like Jizz.
48:59Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be.
49:02Holy shit, Ames.
49:05Check it out. I didn't think he'd show.
49:09You know, I heard you never visited him.
49:11Just keep walking.
49:19You'd hate the flowers, but I...
49:25I brought the duvet netting.
49:33Thanks.
49:47And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble.
49:50They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way.
49:54Typical.
50:03But now they've got it, and there she goes, sliding right in there.
50:09We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer.
50:13But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades,
50:18I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved...
50:27I'm sorry.
50:29Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88.
50:38The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia II
50:44passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness surrounded by his loving family.
50:50Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children,
50:54Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation,
50:58an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama
51:03and moved audiences both young and old.
51:06Today, the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure.
51:14Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks.