Veep Season 6 Episode 1 Omaha
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The United States of America has a new president.
00:03I hate this country.
00:06Your mother decided to leave the bulk of her estate to Catherine.
00:10The bulk?
00:11We don't want our private life to be politicized.
00:14I respect that. We'll keep it under the gaydar.
00:17Should I call you colleague now?
00:19I wouldn't.
00:20We just elected Jonah.
00:22Raise your right hand, please.
00:24You have a lump on your left testicle.
00:27She's three.
00:28She has the head circumference of a six-year-old.
00:31I'm six.
00:33TV offers.
00:34Like an agent.
00:35You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.
00:38Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
00:40Grab your coonskin cap and let's get out of here.
00:42Oh.
00:43The only president to pee sitting down since FDR.
00:46Is that going to be my legacy, then?
00:48I pee sitting down sometimes if it's going to be a longing.
00:51Okay.
00:59Well, this last year has been fun.
01:03You know, really fun.
01:05I mean, I'm not going to lie.
01:07You know, to have gotten so close to the presidency
01:11and then have the American people and Congress reject me was, um...
01:18was devastating.
01:23Was devastating.
01:26But, um, I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine
01:33by the name of Selina Meyer.
01:37And I like her.
01:39That's fantastic.
01:41If you're just joining us, former president and my old boss,
01:46Selina Meyer is with us live for her first public appearance
01:49since the historic vote in the House of Representatives one year ago today.
01:53Madam President, whine now.
01:55Well, Dan, I realize that I have more of myself to give.
02:00This is a big day, people.
02:01Campaign starts right now because we are going to make Buddy Calhoun
02:05the next governor of this dried coyote turd of a state.
02:08My campaign manager and fiance, Amy Bruckheimer.
02:11You should say campaign manager.
02:13I love that enthusiasm.
02:14Reminder, Nevada is the sagebrush state.
02:17So saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin fuckers.
02:20We are going to drag this state into the 20th century.
02:23That's right, I said 20th.
02:25Tracy, how we doing on yard signs?
02:28Writing a memoir, I feel, is a debt that a president owes to history.
02:33Well, amen.
02:34And I'm doing my best to help the scholars of the future
02:40reckon with the mire years in America's great tapestry of history.
02:51Now, your predecessor, President Stuart Hughes,
02:55his memoir has reportedly fetched an advance of $20 million,
02:59while yours is...
03:01Yeah, I'm really much more focused on the tapestry itself,
03:05the weave, the thread count, the old lady at the loom.
03:10We're looking for a few small tweaks in federal tax law
03:13concerning independent contractors,
03:15which brings us to our very own mover and shaker, Beltway Ben.
03:19Thanks, Hayden.
03:21What we need to do...
03:25I don't have a slideshow thingy, sorry.
03:29It's called a deck.
03:30Great.
03:32So, what we need to do is to get this onto the desk of Congressman Jarvis.
03:37Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance.
03:40I'm sorry, Ben, here at Uber and in the rest of the world,
03:44the word Chinaman is considered inappropriate.
03:47No, no, no, it's okay.
03:49My wife is Oriental.
03:51All of them have been.
03:53Kind of got yellow fever.
03:58Now, you've recently drawn some criticism.
04:01You've offered an 11th-hour pardon of billionaire, private prison magnate
04:06Sherman Tanz, who's under indictment of tax evasion and bribery charges.
04:10I have pardoned hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders,
04:14many of them adults, who never learned to read, which is a tragedy.
04:19But Sherman Tanz...
04:20And that is why I'm taking this opportunity to announce
04:23my charitable organization, the Meijer Fund for Adult Literacy.
04:29Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to Sherman Tanz...
04:32And AIDS.
04:34Wow. AIDS.
04:37Yes, AIDS. AIDS is a big part of the tapestry.
04:42Explain. Connect the dots for me.
04:44My fellow representatives, my conscience demands that I speak out
04:48against H.R. 723, the so-called Healthy School Lunch Act.
04:52Dessert is an apple.
04:54I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these.
04:58When I was a kid, I ate Sloppy Joe's, pizza on a bagel.
05:03The only green bean I ate was a green jelly bean,
05:07and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car.
05:12I will fight against green beans the same way that I fought
05:16against my deadly disease called cancer.
05:22For the children.
05:24Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget
05:27that I was the first female president before Montez.
05:31Oh, that's right.
05:33Speaking of President Laura Montez,
05:36she won the Nobel Peace Prize for her work in Tibet.
05:39Unprecedented. What did you think of her speech?
05:42I didn't really get a chance to see it because I was out of the country.
05:49This is really great.
05:52Uh-oh.
05:54Time for bubblegum.
05:57Bubblegum, gum, gum, bubblegum.
06:00Before I let you go, I've got to ask what we're all thinking.
06:04The White House.
06:06So you're definitely not going to run again in three years.
06:08I have no plans to run at this time.
06:12I'm also very busy with adult literacy.
06:16And AIDS.
06:17And AIDS, yes. We must never forget AIDS.
06:20Certainly not.
06:21Very special thank you to our very special guest, President Selina Meyer.
06:25He's a great guy.
06:27Back to you, Jane.
06:29Thanks, Danny.
06:31Danny Egan's been filling in as my co-host this week,
06:34and we think that he is doing a terrific job.
06:38We'll be right back with more CBS This Morning.
06:42Camera clear.
06:43Okay, well, we got that done.
06:45Madam President, it's so good to see you.
06:48Oh, for goodness sake.
06:49You let your hair grow.
06:51We should have lunch now that you're back.
06:53Good, good.
06:54Wonderful, wonderful.
06:56What is she like?
06:57Oh, I love her.
06:58Because I've heard she's a complete gash and a half.
07:00Yeah, she really is.
07:01Yeah, right.
07:02Jane, thank you so much for doing this.
07:04I know.
07:05I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better.
07:06Oh, come on, come on.
07:07Everything's yes.
07:08Gary.
07:09Dan.
07:10So, how did I do?
07:11Somebody tell me how I did.
07:12Oh, my God, you were fantastic.
07:14Literally anyone.
07:15You were great, ma'am.
07:17Thank you, Richard.
07:18Oh, absolutely.
07:20I need my coat, and I need my purse.
07:22Mm-hmm.
07:23Can you believe this?
07:25The anifuckinversary of the historic House vote.
07:28I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape,
07:32except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil.
07:35I love candles.
07:36Hey, Richard, what else do we have lined up for me?
07:38You've got interviews the rest of the day, ma'am.
07:40Yeah, but you've got to call Wellner at the Times.
07:42Indianapolis Times, got it.
07:43And Time Magazine.
07:45Let's get in touch with them,
07:46because the world really needs to know.
07:48About the gangbang thing?
07:50Well, I know you.
07:52Oh.
07:53Hey, hey.
07:54Hey.
07:55How are you?
07:56Sublime.
07:57Yeah?
07:58Just sublime.
07:59So you didn't think I came off too...
08:01Insane?
08:02Not at all.
08:03Really?
08:04Yeah.
08:05Oh, good.
08:06What about when you threw the Hughes question at me
08:07about the advance?
08:08Yeah, I didn't actually watch the interview,
08:10but everybody's talking about how gorgeous you looked.
08:13Oh, good.
08:14Yeah.
08:15You want to try that new place I was telling you about?
08:17I've got a bowl.
08:18But I will catch up with you all later, though.
08:20So, wait a minute.
08:21You're not coming back to the office?
08:22No, I've got an unofficial lunch
08:24with a potential big foreign donor for the Meyer Fund.
08:28Oh.
08:29That could get us into trouble down the line.
08:30Senor Ocampo is having trouble nudging his visas through,
08:33so I called our friends over at the State Department.
08:35That definitely will.
08:36I look forward to seeing you in your entirety a little later.
08:41So...
08:42Nice.
08:43Okay.
08:44Bye.
08:45Adios.
08:46Okay.
08:47Not a word.
08:48Seriously, not a word.
08:49All right?
08:50Ma'am, they're saying it's going to take an hour longer
08:52to get to the offices because of traffic.
08:54What?
08:55What's going on?
08:56President Montez is in town addressing the U.N.
08:58It's going to be pretty exciting.
09:00Minute of your time, Congressman Powder.
09:02Absolutely, Roger.
09:04What?
09:05Congressman, minority house leader for life.
09:08Do you know what the chief agricultural product
09:10of my district in Ohio is?
09:12I'll give you a hint.
09:13It's like Will's wife's clit.
09:15Mangoes?
09:16No.
09:17Tell him, Will.
09:18Green beans.
09:19That's why I spent two months jamming them
09:21into that school lunch bill.
09:23Like what, Will?
09:24Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth
09:27at a public restaurant well-known for that purpose.
09:29I don't know if you can hear me
09:31over the sound of your ball tumors metastasizing,
09:34but Americans don't care what poor kids eat.
09:37Actually, Congressman,
09:38better-tasting school lunches poll surprisingly well.
09:41It's a real hot-button issue.
09:42Kent Davison, how the mighty have fallen.
09:45You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot,
09:48see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties?
09:51Although you might have to lie about working for Meyer.
09:54He's already got a job much better
09:56than sponging up jizz, right, Kent?
10:01Let's go, Will.
10:02Make me feel better.
10:12Son of a Sam.
10:14Offices in the South Bronx.
10:16Take this.
10:17I can't stand this anymore.
10:18Well, you should be in the meat-packing district.
10:20I know.
10:21It's so chic.
10:22Exactly.
10:23I mean, I'm not the president of the Dominican Republic, you know?
10:25Kent Davison, be so lucky.
10:26Congressman Diaz said the optics of you in the Bronx
10:28are really good.
10:29Okay, well, then maybe I can host Showtime
10:31at the Apollo next week.
10:32I'll check on that.
10:33No, don't.
10:34We love you, Serena!
10:35Oh, I love...
10:36Ugh.
10:37Ugh.
10:38I mean, whose balls did I twerk to end up here
10:41in the Triangle Shirtwaist offices?
10:43I mean, seriously, this is the worst place
10:45they've ever stuffed an ex-president,
10:47and I'm including JFK's coffin.
10:49Ooh, I'm gonna get you the same one.
10:51Oh, yeah, good.
10:52Um, are there any messages for me?
10:54No, ma'am.
10:55Okay.
10:56You were wonderful today.
10:57Oh, thank you.
10:59Who is that woman?
11:00I can find out.
11:01No, it doesn't matter.
11:02Ma'am, the National Association for Transgender People
11:05would like to give you an award.
11:06Oh, well, that's nice.
11:07Tell them I accept.
11:08Them?
11:09It's her.
11:10Her.
11:11Him.
11:12I don't know.
11:13Tell the bearded ladies I'm coming.
11:14And your editor called about the pages to your book?
11:16You're six months behind.
11:17You know what being an ex-president is like?
11:19It's like being a man's nipple.
11:21People go right by you to jerk off a dick.
11:24Oh.
11:25Really.
11:26All right, so, listen, Richard,
11:27from now on, I'm going to be only about
11:31speaking engagements, okay?
11:33Cha-king, cha-king, cha-king, right?
11:36It's cha-ching, cha-ching.
11:37No, it's cha-king.
11:38Okay.
11:39I'm going to start out by calling Mutual of Omaha,
11:41and I'm only flying there private,
11:43and I'm certainly not going to cover that expense.
11:45Is now a good time, Mom?
11:46Marjorie, come on in.
11:48You know, Marjorie,
11:49since you're now heading the Meyer Fund,
11:51it would be a good idea for you not to call me Mom
11:54here in the office.
11:55Of course, now, yes.
11:56So, did you see today's interview?
11:59I didn't know you were going to give me AIDS.
12:01Marjorie.
12:06That's funny.
12:07You did?
12:08Are you making a joke?
12:09No, sir or ma'am.
12:11We can't do anything about AIDS.
12:13Who are you, Ronald Reagan?
12:15Hi, everyone.
12:16Hi, darling.
12:17Your daughter's here to see you.
12:18How are you, sweetie?
12:20What brings you to this neighborhood, honey?
12:22Buying chicken blood for a voodoo rite?
12:24I came to take Marjorie to lunch.
12:26Okay.
12:28I have AIDS now.
12:30That's hilarious.
12:32I don't get it.
12:33I mean, it's her delivery.
12:34I don't know.
12:35What delivery?
12:36Mom, I saw your big interview.
12:37Yeah, I know.
12:38Wasn't I just so great?
12:40It was just really nice to see you out there again.
12:42You know, not just sitting in the house in your bathrobe with Gary.
12:46Yeah, we play backgammon.
12:48Or at the institute.
12:49At the spa.
12:50The spa.
12:51The spa.
12:52Spa.
12:53Right.
12:54Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
12:55She doesn't like Mom.
12:56What?
12:57Sure, darling.
12:58I just wanted to give you your checks for this month.
13:03Ma'am, the Apollo is a soft pass.
13:05Okay, can I have a moment with my daughter?
13:07Yep.
13:08Catherine, honey, a lot of the staff has been complaining
13:12because they feel kind of cramped, and they're not in Midtown.
13:17But I think that will require a little bit more cash.
13:21Okay, you know what?
13:22If you want to talk about a money thing, you can talk about it with Marjorie.
13:26Great.
13:36Marjorie, when Mother died and she gave Catherine all of her money.
13:43You've been over your budget the last few months.
13:45Okay.
13:46You know, there's an old Chippewa saying,
13:48the coyote always howls on its lonely back.
13:51You know what?
13:52I'm not that interested in what the coyote has to say,
13:55unless he's writing me a check.
13:57Yes, ma'am.
13:58Yeah.
14:01Ma'am, me again.
14:03Ma'am, me again.
14:04The secretary's name is Jenninger?
14:06That can't be right.
14:07Seventy-nine grand.
14:09You better sign me up for some food stamps.
14:12Maybe look into an application.
14:14This fucking country.
14:16There he is, my golden boy, Danny.
14:19Killing it.
14:20Danny.
14:21Look, between you and me,
14:22the network's going to name you Gene's permanent co-host on Friday, so...
14:25Fuck my face.
14:29Do you know what's wrong with that salad?
14:32Uh, no.
14:33Figure it out.
14:35Yeah, I guess I should have told you.
14:37She got rid of our last three co-hosts.
14:39Wait, what?
14:40Yeah, probably wrecked their careers, too.
14:46Stevie.
14:47Stevie, Stevie.
14:48What's up?
14:49I have an idea that I think is really going to impress the network.
14:52Have you ever heard of Congressman Jonah Ryan from New Hampshire?
14:55Great interview, charming guy.
14:57I can get him on the phone right now.
14:58Hey, ma'am.
14:59Yeah?
15:00I got big news from the White House.
15:01Oh, really? What?
15:02They want you to pick an artist for your official presidential portrait.
15:06Well, I'd rather still be president.
15:08Oh, that's true.
15:09You know what?
15:10Get me whoever painted Ambassador Stone's wife
15:14and made her look like not a twat.
15:16Uh-huh.
15:17I mean, that was real artistry.
15:18Hey, where's... Hey, Richard?
15:20Uh, yes, ma'am.
15:21What's going on with the speeches?
15:23Uh, let's see.
15:24Well, we have the National Auto Dealers for $100,000.
15:27You've got to be kidding me.
15:29That's half of what Hughes gets.
15:31That is pure sexism.
15:33You call those people back and you tell them
15:36that I was the first female president of the United States
15:40and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar.
15:44Yes, ma'am.
15:45And tell them I'll stand at a glass podium and wear a short skirt.
15:48What about Omaha?
15:50They won't give us a private jet.
15:51And you shouldn't have to touch anything without a private jet.
15:53I know.
15:54Plus, they won't cover Andrew's fee.
15:56What? What's Andrew's fee?
15:58It's my fee.
16:00Omaha, small potatoes, zero gravy.
16:03I know some guys in Abu Dhabi
16:05who are looking for a license to import sand.
16:08No, I want Omaha.
16:10Lee, their offer was a slap in the face.
16:14Hey, Andrew, I don't care if it's a punch in my big, hairy dick.
16:19Okay? Go!
16:20Yep.
16:21And then I'll jump out of a cake with tassels on my sagging tits.
16:27What? What is your fee?
16:29It's akin to a finder's fee.
16:31What do you find?
16:32Besides the most beautiful woman in the world.
16:35Oh, God.
16:39So sappy.
16:41Hey, babe.
16:42We found a video of a woman who says she did cocaine
16:44with Governor Steptoe's wife in college.
16:46Wow.
16:47Hey, purple mountain's majesty.
16:49We need to put together an attack ad yesterday the fuck day,
16:51so give me five options from party girl to co-corporate cock.
16:55Oh, you know what?
16:57I actually went to high school with Kristen Steptoe,
16:59and she's a lovely gal, so...
17:01My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick,
17:04she would let you fuck the hole in her septum.
17:06Oh, boy.
17:07Look, I think I'm going to have to put my foot down on this
17:11and just say we're not going to use that.
17:14Okay. Is that all right?
17:16You're making an executive decision.
17:18Right? I mean, don't you think?
17:20No, I like that.
17:21Yeah, so...
17:22So you're the boss.
17:23Okay, yeah, so my foot is down on that.
17:24Great.
17:25Okay, great.
17:27Just you, cock whore.
17:29Madame is up 950 points.
17:32Nice!
17:33No, no, no, no, uh-uh.
17:34You don't want to do that.
17:35See?
17:36You put these here and here.
17:38Yeah.
17:39You see how that's better for you?
17:40Yeah, so much better.
17:41Do you actually understand that?
17:42Yeah, very much so.
17:43Okay.
17:45Because honestly...
17:46Who could that be at this hour?
17:47It's only 7.
17:48Richard.
17:49Oh, hi, Gary.
17:50Uh, this is...
17:51Now's not a good time.
17:52Is that Richard?
17:53Excuse me.
17:54Richard, come in.
17:55Hey, what's going on with Omaha, by the way?
17:57Oh, yes.
17:58Walter Pallenberg's jet is unavailable
18:00because he's taking it on a fuck tour of South America.
18:02Okay.
18:03Of course.
18:04It's weird that his assistant told me that.
18:05Oh, I'm sitting there.
18:06Want something to eat?
18:07Are you hungry?
18:08We've got a lot of food here.
18:09Catherine, I'm home.
18:11Oh!
18:12Marjorie, hi, we're in here.
18:14Come join the party.
18:15This is like Grand Central Station here, right?
18:17I know.
18:18Good evening.
18:19You know what?
18:20Just move whatever.
18:21You know what we're actually going to do?
18:23Now she's mad.
18:24Hey, Marjorie, I want to add something to the fund.
18:27Sort of to balance out the AIDS.
18:30Something fun.
18:31Ooh, how about Vets for Pets?
18:33I don't know what it is, but it sounds good.
18:35Yeah, or, I don't know, stuttering?
18:38Those people really make me laugh.
18:41Oh, excuse me.
18:43I'll go put together a list of some fun causes, Mom.
18:46Oh, that mom thing.
18:48Let's not do that here, either.
18:49Selina.
18:50Well, I don't know.
18:51Ma'am.
18:52Yeah, that's it.
18:53All right, time to write this book.
18:55Where were we?
18:56Uh, first sentence.
18:58Then, uh, let's jump into the Middle East.
19:01Now, I'm trying to remember,
19:03what was the name of that Iranian trade minister?
19:06Oh, Gerard Hajjadi.
19:07Do you know what I remember from that day?
19:09Oh, look, you missed that white one right down there.
19:12Yep, got it, yep.
19:13Hit that.
19:14Let's call Mike again.
19:15Ow.
19:16God.
19:17Be careful, because that cabinet's valuable.
19:19Phone rings.
19:22McClintock residence, Ellen speaking.
19:25Is your father available?
19:27He's not my father.
19:29Yes, I am, sweetie.
19:30I am your father.
19:31Remember I adopted you?
19:32Uh, hello.
19:33Hey, Mike.
19:34How, wow.
19:35How are you?
19:36Uh, a little crazy.
19:37Milo's all about cheese sticks.
19:40Do I have to call a doctor?
19:42I think he's, like, at a kennel or something.
19:44I can't hear you.
19:45Sorry, ma'am.
19:46I'm in the baby bubble.
19:47You gotta hit him in the nose with a newspaper.
19:50That'll quiet him down.
19:52Mike?
19:53Listen, we're trying to figure out,
19:54if you can hear me,
19:55what happened on the Middle East trip.
19:58Hang on.
19:59He's got his book.
20:01May 3rd, en route to Tehran, Air Force One.
20:04May 3rd.
20:05Red pepper strips?
20:08No, no, no, no, no.
20:09Not what you ate, Mike.
20:11Just tell me.
20:12No, no.
20:13I want that.
20:14Okay.
20:15I just want to know what happened.
20:17Jesus.
20:18Uh, oh, yeah, yeah.
20:19We met with Trade Minister Jihadi.
20:21Oh, Trade Minister Jihadi.
20:23That's what I said.
20:24I'm on the phone, okay?
20:25You're as bad as these dogs.
20:27Is that her?
20:28Ma'am?
20:29Tell her now.
20:30Tell her, or I'll tell her.
20:31Okay.
20:32Hang on.
20:33Wendy and I were talking
20:34that if you're gonna keep using the diary,
20:36maybe you should, uh, start paying me.
20:39What?
20:40Okay, fine.
20:41I don't give a shit.
20:42I thought I'd never work again.
20:44Me too.
20:46Former ma'am, there are new stories
20:48about the Sherman Tans pardon
20:49in the Washington Post and Indianapolis Times.
20:52Does anybody have anything else to focus on in the world?
20:55You know, where the fuck is the tsunami when you need it?
20:58But the good news is,
20:59we just received a large donation from Sherman Tans.
21:04Oh.
21:05Well, don't put that in the fund.
21:07Also, guess what I found outside?
21:09Did that homeless man die?
21:11Oh, no.
21:12Uh, Mike?
21:13Madam President?
21:15Oh, my God, look at this place, you guys.
21:17What happened to your lip?
21:19Oh, Maude bit me.
21:20Ah, should put her down.
21:22That's my daughter, ma'am.
21:24It was a cute story.
21:25We were playing in the backyard,
21:26catch the tiger, and I was the prey.
21:28She got up on top of me.
21:29Did you bring the diary?
21:31Yeah, I got it.
21:32And I don't think we ever discussed salary.
21:34We should probably iron that out, so...
21:36Oh, yeah, you get paid when the book's finished.
21:39Okay.
21:40And, uh, what's the timeline for that?
21:42I don't know.
21:43No?
21:44No.
21:45Okay.
21:46Oh, and, boy, I took the Acela up.
21:47It's pretty steep.
21:48I'd love to get reimbursed.
21:50Yeah, well, also when the book's finished.
21:52Oh, right.
21:53Then you get that reimbursement.
21:56Find some space for yourself out there.
22:00But wait, I need the diary.
22:03Okay.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Uh, ma'am, great news.
22:08We got Marty Leonard's G5 for Omaha.
22:11Oh, really?
22:12Uh-huh.
22:13Great, all righty.
22:15Omaha's a go, go, go.
22:17Ma'am, you've been to Omaha before,
22:19and you didn't really care for it.
22:22Um, okay, look.
22:25Is there something...
22:26I'm gonna tell you something, okay?
22:28Okay, okay.
22:29But it's top secret.
22:30Ooh, I love secrets.
22:33I'm gonna go to Omaha because...
22:36Okay.
22:37Omaha is a 20-minute drive right across the border...
22:40Okay, okay.
22:41...to Council Bluffs, Iowa...
22:44Beautiful.
22:45...where they have their annual Madison Monroe dinner.
22:50Mm-hmm.
22:51Which you have to go to
22:53if you're gonna run for president again.
22:56Huh?
22:58I'm gonna run for president again.
23:02That is a great idea.
23:06I know, I know.
23:07I think you're definitely ready for this.
23:10Yeah, I feel so great about this.
23:13You should.
23:14Yeah.
23:15Are you sure you're ready for this?
23:17So I'm gonna tell the whole family about it tonight,
23:19you know, I mean, such as it is, whatever,
23:22and if any one of them objects,
23:24then it's okay, I just won't run.
23:26Well, I mean, you got my vote.
23:28Why would I need your fucking vote?
23:30You wouldn't.
23:31You wouldn't.
23:32It's just a crazy idea.
23:33Hey, I'mma...
23:36Get out.
23:37No, get out.
23:38Guards!
23:39Oh, my God.
23:40Your cancer's bullshit.
23:41No, I did have cancer.
23:43I had to go through six weeks of chemotherapy.
23:45All my hair fell out, including my pubes, Dan.
23:48Come on, you never had any pubes.
23:50But guess what?
23:51People liked it, okay?
23:53They felt sorry for me.
23:54I even got four-and-a-half pity handies out of it,
23:56so I kept shaving.
23:58What's the big fucking deal about it?
24:00Big fucking deal?
24:01Jesus, you look like you should be underground
24:03worshiping an atomic bomb, you human fucking pap smear.
24:06How dare you speak to a cancer survivor that way?
24:08Oh.
24:09Hey, let's go.
24:10I got two minutes.
24:11Yeah, yeah.
24:12Do not tell anyone about this.
24:14You know, I didn't think it was possible
24:15for you to look more like a giant cock.
24:17You know, I guess it's true what they say.
24:18You are what you eat.
24:19Were you eating an entire fucking tanning bed?
24:21I got an idea.
24:22I just want to draw a urethra.
24:23Get out of here.
24:24Stop.
24:25It'll be funny.
24:26It'll be funny.
24:27It'll happen.
24:28Stop it.
24:29You're a dick, Dan.
24:30Welcome back to CBS This Morning.
24:32Joining me now is freshman congressman Jonah Ryan
24:35of New Hampshire,
24:36who recently had a close shave with cancer.
24:38Don't.
24:39Now, congressman,
24:40you were really on the razor's edge there for a while.
24:42Stop it.
24:43Did you ever get in a lather about the...
24:45Stop it.
24:46...bald truth of your own mortality?
24:47You know what, Dan?
24:48F you.
24:49You think you're such a big shot
24:51just because you're on TV
24:53and you have a fancy tie and a tiny little microphone?
24:56Everybody on TV sucks.
24:58It's not nice, Dan,
24:59to make fun of other people
25:01who are supposed to be your friend
25:03just because I look like a penis.
25:07Oh, get a fucking chair.
25:13How do I even get out of here?
25:17That was congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire.
25:22And we're clear.
25:24Shit, Stevie, I had no idea
25:26anything like that was gonna happen.
25:28I totally understand
25:29that the network has lost confidence in me.
25:31Are you kidding me?
25:32This is great TV.
25:33You're the fucking man.
25:34Great job.
25:36Oh, fuck me.
25:37And no more goddamn bronzer.
25:40Okay, guys, I called this family meeting
25:43because I have something very exciting
25:46that I want to talk to you about.
25:48But if anybody has any objections,
25:51I will absolutely not do this.
25:54Okay?
25:55We are behind you no matter what, Leigh.
25:57Yes.
25:58I know that this last year
26:00has been not very easy for all of us,
26:03myself included,
26:05but I have decided
26:07that I am going to run for president again.
26:12Yeah.
26:14What?
26:16No.
26:18You-you can't do that.
26:20I can't do that.
26:22Well, yeah, I can, honey.
26:25I...
26:26What?
26:28Well...
26:30Huh?
26:32I don't see that coming, do you?
26:35Andrew, can you help me out here with this?
26:39Actually...
26:40Nobody thinks this is a good idea?
26:42Please don't do that.
26:44You can't do this to us.
26:46Catherine, let me just explain something to you, sweetie.
26:48All right?
26:49I really don't care what you think.
26:51I'm going to run for president again.
26:53Yeah.
26:54Okay?
26:55Mom is going to be president again.
26:57But you said that if any one of us
26:59objects that you're not going to do it.
27:01Yeah, but I didn't expect anybody to object.
27:04Did I?
27:05This was a test, folks,
27:07and you all failed.
27:08Yeah.
27:09You really did.
27:10Oh, I just...
27:11You really did.
27:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:13Family meeting is not...
27:14No, I don't want to...
27:15I don't want to hear it, okay?
27:17Family meeting is adjourned.
27:19La, la, la, la, la.
27:20Everybody up.
27:21Get up, get up.
27:22Out, out.
27:23I love you, but get out.
27:26Is that good?
27:27You like that?
27:28It's good.
27:29Yeah?
27:30What's good about it?
27:31I...
27:32What do you like?
27:33Don't know.
27:34What do you want me to say?
27:35I want you to talk dirty.
27:36You know.
27:37Oh, really?
27:38Yeah.
27:39Oh, my God, you do.
27:40This is a really nice penis.
27:44No, like, how do you do it work?
27:46Tell me you'd rather take it up the ass
27:48than attend another meeting of the Board of Regulators.
27:51Except with just no regulators, okay?
27:54Okay, I would rather take it up the ass
27:57with the Board of Regulators.
27:59No Board of Regulators.
28:00No, I said that.
28:01Well, this is stupid.
28:02I am not some tease-teared casino coos
28:04who will let you jizz all over her face
28:05with a handful of tips.
28:06Yeah, I like that.
28:07Keep going.
28:08Tell me more.
28:09What's her name?
28:10Susan or something?
28:11What's her deal?
28:12You know what the problem with the Board of Regulators is?
28:13They are all appointed by these partisan hacks
28:15who antiquated this fuck-up.
28:17Okay, I'm sorry I brought that up.
28:18I think that they know shit from a hole in the...
28:20It was going well before that, though, I thought.
28:22Oh, just forget it.
28:28You shouldn't even be a Board.
28:30Is it okay if I finish?
28:31I'm not your mother.
28:33Lookie, look, who's here.
28:35Wow.
28:36Madam President.
28:37I haven't seen you forever.
28:39No, well, I was gonna come by a couple times,
28:41but they said...
28:42I'm so sorry to hear about Uber.
28:44Oh, God, a bunch of dumbass millennials, you know,
28:47too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.
28:49You want a drink?
28:50Absolutely.
28:51No, let me get that for you.
28:52No, I have it.
28:53Great.
28:54So, listen, um,
28:56I am gonna be making a speech
29:00at Mutual of Omaha on Monday,
29:03and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.
29:09Um, is that the, uh, the same Omaha
29:13that's a 20-minute drive from Council Bluffs, Iowa
29:16and the Madison Monroe Dinner on Monday night?
29:18Maybe.
29:21Son of a bitch, you're, uh, gonna run for president.
29:25Oh.
29:27Well, what if I were, hypothetically?
29:29Hypothetically?
29:30Mm-hmm.
29:31Ma'am, you can't run for president.
29:33Mm-hmm.
29:34You don't have the party support,
29:36you don't have the donor support.
29:38What if I told you that I had Tans on board?
29:42Hypothetically.
29:43Shlomo Tans is radioactive.
29:46He can read the newspaper on the toilet
29:48by the light of his own shit.
29:50Okay, but then you and I could, um...
29:55No, no, I cannot.
29:57I-I'm-I'm out.
29:59Oh, may God forgive me.
30:01I...
30:02I'm taking the Jonah job with Kent.
30:05I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't watch you lose again.
30:08There's nobody out there
30:09who wants to see a Meyer comeback, Selina.
30:11It's...
30:13It's over.
30:18Well, I was speaking hypothetically.
30:21I mean, you of all people should know that, Ben.
30:25Jesus Christ, you know?
30:26I wanted you to come here because I was wondering
30:29if you wanted to join the board of my, uh,
30:31Meyer Fund for AIDS and Adult Literacy.
30:36It'd be an honor.
30:37Hmm, okay.
30:39Thank you, ma'am.
30:40Yeah.
30:41You know, uh, maybe, you know,
30:43if we teach them how to read a condom wrapper,
30:45they, uh, wouldn't get AIDS in the first place.
30:47Okay, see? There's hope.
30:49Hmm.
30:53You know, ma'am, um,
30:56you're one of only 46 people who became...
30:59Okay, ma'am.
31:00Good night, good night, good night.
31:02Good night.
31:09Hmm?
31:20Ma'am, we're all set for private jets to Omaha on Monday
31:23and back from Council Bus on Wednesday.
31:25Coming back from Omaha on Monday.
31:29Madam President.
31:31Hello.
31:35Good morning, this is Captain Stevens.
31:37I'd like to welcome you all aboard Flight 327
31:40Omaha to New York.
31:42Do you want a window or aisle?
31:45I don't want anything here.
31:48Hmm.
31:52CBS This Morning with Jane McKay
31:56and introducing Danny Egan.
32:00I'm Jane McKay.
32:02And I am Dan Meade Egan.
32:05And here's what's going on in your world.
32:10Sir, I'm sorry, you're going to need to gate-check your bag.
32:13It's complimentary.
32:17I need hand sanitizer.
32:19Ma'am?
32:21Ma'am?
32:27Hi.
32:37I want a library.
32:39The Kennedy Library is a reference point
32:41because, you know, he was also a part-termer.
32:43Right.
32:45I am a ballin', bachelor, sexual congressman.
32:49Being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.
32:52I hate homophobia.
32:54You're using an awful lot of paint for down there.
32:56Maybe use it for up here and focus on this.
32:58Oh, yeah, let's give the people what they want.
33:00Okay, that's really...
33:02I'm sorry, that was too much.
33:03...way out of line.