Veep Season 3 Episode 10 New Hampshire
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00:00A sensational turn of events at the White House.
00:19Reportedly even Schmidt-Hughes makes his final exit.
00:22Our thoughts are with him and Lena Meyer prepares to step into the most powerful shoes in the
00:28world.
00:29How will Selina Meyer be feeling, I wonder, as she finds herself about to become president?
00:34I can't believe it.
00:35This is insane.
00:36Am I dreaming?
00:37Do I have my pants on?
00:39Ma'am, I don't want to piss on your bliss, but I'm going to need you back in New Hampshire
00:43very, very soon.
00:44Okay.
00:45But I've got something to do really soon.
00:47I'm trying to remember what it is.
00:49What is it again, Mike?
00:51Hmm.
00:52I think you're becoming president of the United States!
00:55Yeah!
00:56We rule!
00:57What?
00:58You do it, in fact.
00:59Yeah, I rule.
01:00Hey, you know what, guys?
01:01We have to be careful, though, not to look too happy, you know, because of FLOTUS.
01:05I just got a voicemail from Beyoncé wishing you well.
01:08Shut up.
01:09I swear to God.
01:10What?
01:11What?
01:12Yeah.
01:13Oooh!
01:14Oh my God.
01:15I can't believe it!
01:16I know.
01:17Wow.
01:18How did she get your number?
01:19I have no idea.
01:20Yay, yay, yay.
01:21Ma'am, you can't get too distracted by being president because you're still campaigning
01:23to be president.
01:25I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that.
01:28Oh, oh.
01:29She's calling me a single lady.
01:31Here it comes.
01:33Celebrity support for Selena Meyer floods in.
01:35Stars take to Twitter to share their adoration for the first female.
01:38Support for notable celebrities such as Katy Perry and Will.i.am.
01:45Oh my God.
01:46You did this for me?
01:48Holy shit.
01:49It's like Lollapalooza.
01:51This is awesome.
01:52It's like I'm a beetle.
01:53Well, you got the haircut for it.
01:55Congratulations, ma'am.
01:56First female president.
01:57I'm so happy to be alive to see this.
01:59I'm so happy it's me.
02:00I want to see all these people.
02:02All my people.
02:03I see all of you.
02:05Congratulations, ma'am.
02:07Anything you want, I'm at your beck and call.
02:10Thank you so much, Senator Suckup.
02:12Ma'am, you're now only a point away from Chung.
02:15Presidential bounce.
02:16Yeah, bounce that, you dumb dick.
02:18Hey, how's it going?
02:20Look, from Ashton Kutcher's assistant, Ashton says congrats.
02:23Assistant?
02:27More people.
02:29Ma'am, it looks like Pierce, it looks like he's about to pull out of the race.
02:34One down, three to go.
02:36It's all falling into place.
02:37Hey, Sue.
02:38Hi, ma'am.
02:39The oath will take place tomorrow at 12 noon.
02:41Yeah.
02:42You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
02:44Goodbye, China.
02:46Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
02:50Those fuckers.
02:51God, can't we just take them out?
02:53Is Jack Ruby still alive?
02:55Ma'am, you need to decide your first international visit.
02:57It's not going to be Canada, and I want to get rid of Leslie Carr.
03:00He has no fucking energy, ironically.
03:02He has to be Canada, always is, otherwise they sulk.
03:05Well, so let him sulk.
03:06I mean, who's going to notice?
03:07I want to go to Brazil.
03:08Did you say Leslie Carr?
03:09Yeah, I said Leslie Carr.
03:11Hey, Gary, I need a protein.
03:13Where is Gary?
03:14Oh my God, we left him in New Hampshire.
03:16Do you know how to get a protein bar?
03:18Yeah, that's what I need.
03:19Can you?
03:20I don't know who that is.
03:21God, there's so many people in here.
03:23It's like a Mormon orgy.
03:24Well, it's the presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so.
03:27Why is my coat like this?
03:29Oh, Sue.
03:30When are we moving into the Oval Office?
03:32Three days time, ma'am.
03:34I want to get a meeting with Jim Marwood and Mary King right away.
03:36Set that up.
03:37Yes, ma'am.
03:38Great idea, ma'am.
03:39Reach across the aisle immediately.
03:40Right.
03:41It's very presidential of me, don't you think?
03:43Absolutely.
03:44You're not turning into a yes man, are you?
03:46Yes, you're right.
03:47I'm not.
03:48Hey, Ben.
03:49Where did Ben go?
03:50He was just here.
03:51Ben?
03:52Ben?
03:53Yeah.
03:54Here, boy.
03:55Come to me.
03:56Sure.
03:57And then could you guys get out of here?
03:58Sure.
03:59Do you want me to tell you which of those two to fire?
04:00Kent.
04:01Just kidding, Kent.
04:02Wow.
04:03I didn't expect it to happen like this, right?
04:04What if I'm not ready?
04:05You're going to be fine.
04:06Were you having fun out there?
04:07Yeah.
04:08Those, you know.
04:09Yeah.
04:10Yeah, well.
04:11It's just, you know.
04:12Yeah.
04:13Yeah.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Yeah.
04:16Yeah.
04:18It's just going to be so much fun.
04:19It's going to be DEFCON fun.
04:20And I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
04:24What?
04:25Yeah.
04:26I need all your experience, buddy.
04:30Don't ask me that.
04:32But I am asking you that.
04:34It just destroyed me.
04:36I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year.
04:39And I didn't even lose any weight from it.
04:42No, you weren't.
04:43None of that is true.
04:44What are you talking about?
04:46You told me you would midwife me through this campaign.
04:48Do you remember that?
04:49Yeah.
04:50So guess what?
04:51I am 10 centimeters dilated.
04:54I'm fully effaced.
04:56I mean, this presidency is crowning.
04:58I need you.
05:00Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ.
05:04If you don't do this, I'm going to bring back prohibition.
05:11In my opinion, this is a very smart midwife.
05:13Ben Cafferty continues in his role as chief of staff.
05:16He's so Washington.
05:17His blood type is D.C.
05:20And so to recap, after her inaugural address,
05:23the incoming president will convene the National Security Council
05:27and then meet with the joint chiefs of staff,
05:29her cabinet, and congressional leadership.
05:31Okay, who's in charge here?
05:33Clue, it's me.
05:35So, with our candidate distracted by being president of the United States,
05:42we need each and every one of you.
05:44Thank you for interrupting your studies, your startups,
05:46your retirements, your federal sentences.
05:48The Iranian Council of Ministers has asked
05:50on what would be a good time for the president to call.
05:52Wow.
05:54That is unprecedented.
05:56Also, we have to schedule calls for the U.K. Prime Minister,
06:00for China, and for the Vatican.
06:02It's like a Google Maps vast kissing.
06:04This is an historic moment.
06:06And I'm not talking about this first female president thing.
06:09I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary.
06:15Big crowd today.
06:16Did something important happen that I'm missing?
06:18Oh, we're in the White House.
06:23Any questions?
06:24You know what?
06:25I'll do the first one myself.
06:26Mike McClintock, why are you so darn handsome?
06:32Why are you laughing at that one?
06:34Now let's work hard and win this puppy, yeah?
06:39Hi.
06:40Oh, hi.
06:41Hi.
06:42Hello again.
06:43Remember us?
06:44Please remind me of the names.
06:45Kelly.
06:46Richard.
06:47That's right.
06:48I had a camera.
06:49We just got here.
06:50Yeah, I saw the bat signal.
06:52Dynamic Duo came in.
06:54Batman.
06:55Boy Wonder.
06:56Young Lady Wonder.
06:57Lady Wonder.
06:58Yep, we're grateful to have you, so thank you all.
07:00So what should we do?
07:01We can hit the phones real hard.
07:03Yeah, oh, I'll hit the phones until I have a sore throat and a hot ear.
07:07Yeah, you know, I tend to rock a hands-free myself.
07:09That's great.
07:10Then hit the phones.
07:11Okay, great.
07:12Um, who should we call?
07:13Yeah, we really need like a list.
07:15Ask your supervisor.
07:16Yes, ma'am.
07:17Yep, absolutely.
07:18Uh, who is our supervisor?
07:20You know, we can find that on our own.
07:22Yeah, that's easy to find out.
07:26Mr. Reagan.
07:27Sir.
07:28How are you?
07:29Fine.
07:30I'm wondering why you asked me to a meeting in here.
07:32I want to bring bad news to the closet.
07:35That rumor that went around about Danny Chung engaging in torture in Iraq?
07:39Yes, sir.
07:40It's been traced to its source.
07:42The River Dam.
07:43Who is saying this?
07:44The Post.
07:46You understand that you will need to resign?
07:48Sir, look, I can find a solution, okay?
07:51Just give you 24 hours?
07:53Like in a movie?
07:54No, I mean, yes.
07:57Please.
07:58You have six hours.
07:59We can't afford 24.
08:00Thank you, sir.
08:01I'm in your debt forever.
08:02Or for six hours, depending on how you do.
08:04I'll see you then.
08:05Alternatively, goodbye forever.
08:11Mike.
08:12How'd it go?
08:13They fucking loved me in there, Ben.
08:15My bit about gun control killed.
08:17My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious.
08:21Man, it's such an adrenaline rush.
08:23I am so pumped!
08:25Well done.
08:26Thank you so much.
08:27You're welcome.
08:28And if you do another press briefing on no sleep again, you're fired.
08:32Hey, Ben.
08:33Ben, Ben, Ben.
08:34You know how you told me that, uh, that Jones' unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
08:39I never said that.
08:41Yeah, you did.
08:42We had a beer and you told me that.
08:44No, you misheard me, Dan.
08:46Um, torture is a terrible thing.
08:48You know, I told you and I was telling you, I wasn't telling you what I told you.
08:52The fuck stops here, Dan?
08:54Look, Dan.
08:55I know you probably want to gloat, but I'm done with D.C.
08:59So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever
09:06or go to Wall Street.
09:07I don't know.
09:08One of the two.
09:09I haven't decided.
09:10Oh, all right.
09:11Well, you know, it's just because, you know, we happen to have a position for you on our
09:13team.
09:14No fucking way.
09:15What?
09:16Oh, God.
09:17We just need you to deny to the press that the job is done.
09:20Oh, God.
09:21We just need you to deny to the press that the Chong torture rumor came from our office.
09:25So you want me to lie?
09:27Yeah.
09:28But Dan, I've never told a lie in my life.
09:34That was a lie.
09:35Try to keep up, Egan.
09:36The rumor is the rumor came from us.
09:38All right.
09:39So you just say that you got it from the web and the web can't be trusted.
09:42I can't do that.
09:43The web made me.
09:44I can't denounce it.
09:45That's like Peter denouncing Christ or worse.
09:49Hello.
09:50Dan Egan.
09:51West Wing.
09:53What's up, Rachel?
09:54How are you?
09:57I would love to go for margaritas.
09:59Just to warn you, though, I do like to lick the rim.
10:02Okay.
10:03Bye.
10:04Who was that?
10:05Oh, do you know Rachel Marsh?
10:07Red hot Rachel from the speaker's office?
10:10Three pack of Kleenex, Rachel?
10:12Yeah, I know Rachel.
10:13What can I say?
10:14West Wing perks, buddy.
10:16Do you win?
10:17How much time do I have to think about it?
10:18Two seconds.
10:19I'm in.
10:20Great.
10:26Sir, what are you doing in here?
10:28This is not your manhole.
10:30I'm moving in.
10:31No, you're not.
10:32You need a bigger office.
10:33That's far away.
10:35This is prime real estate.
10:36I couldn't be any closer to the Oval Office if I had, by some triumph of common sense,
10:41a desk actually in it.
10:43I don't want your office next to mine.
10:44I do not want you on top of me.
10:46Well.
10:47I'm going to be.
10:48So, work with it.
10:49Wait a second.
10:50What are you doing in here?
10:51This is my office.
10:52See?
10:53My calculator's on the desk.
10:54No, Selene said this was going to be my office.
10:56You don't need an office.
10:57You have a bag.
10:58Okay.
10:59That's bullying.
11:00Why don't you take it up with the president?
11:02Why don't you call the Chief Justice and get them both in?
11:05And so it begins.
11:07Actually, it really does.
11:09We've got to go.
11:10She's about to ascend.
11:12There will be a low-key swearing-in.
11:15Just a few people in a White House State Room.
11:18There will be no pomp or ceremony for Selene.
11:20In just 15 minutes' time, America will have its first female president.
11:28I'm so proud of you, Mom.
11:30Oh, honey bunny.
11:31Thank you so much.
11:32I couldn't have done it without you.
11:34Well, what have I done to help?
11:37Oh, a million things.
11:39Are you kidding me?
11:40You know, just being there and being you there and all.
11:46Ma'am, are we ready?
11:47Yes.
11:49Would you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?
11:52I, Selene Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear.
11:55I, Selene Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear.
11:58That I will faithfully execute.
12:00That I will faithfully execute.
12:02The office of President of the United States.
12:05The office of President of the United States.
12:07And will to the best of my ability.
12:09And will to the best of my ability.
12:11Preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.
12:16Preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.
12:25So help me God.
12:26So help me God.
12:28Congratulations, Madam President.
12:30Thank you very much, Mr. Chief Justice.
12:39Ma'am.
12:41Dan!
12:42What the fuck is this?
12:44What are you talking about?
12:46You got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
12:50Jonah, you have a job in the White House, alright?
12:53That was the deal.
12:55I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan.
12:58Okay?
12:59Those are my people.
13:01I'm getting so much online hate.
13:03There are memes of me being burned alive.
13:05Oh, wow.
13:06There's one of me fucking at church.
13:07There's one of me fucking a chicken while dressed as Bin Laden.
13:10The chicken is dressed as Bin Laden, or you're dressed as Bin Laden?
13:13No, I'm dressed as Bin Laden, Dan, and it's really well done.
13:16So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9-11 victims.
13:21Oh, wow, that is tough.
13:23I want a new deal.
13:25I want to get closer to the action.
13:27I'm like a boom-up on a porn shoot right now.
13:29I'm sorry, man, but, you know, I can't have a terrorist chicken fucker next to the President.
13:34Security risk.
13:35Hey, ma'am?
13:36Yes?
13:37Do you remember that time in New York when you said that if this day ever came, you'd wear those special shoes?
13:41Well, I've had them ever since.
13:44Do you remember?
13:47Uh...
13:49Oh, uh, of course.
13:52Yes.
13:54That's so tough, Shane.
13:55Isn't that cool?
13:57You're like Prince Charming.
14:00Perfect shoe for the day.
14:04Perfect shoe for the perfect moment.
14:08And the perfect life of a perfect woman.
14:12This is like Kathy Bates in Misery.
14:15Beautiful shoe for a beautiful...
14:17Okay, that's enough, though.
14:19Take it in. Enjoy the speech.
14:21I will.
14:22You're gonna be great.
14:24So exciting. It's like a wedding or something.
14:27Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck.
14:34Oh, my God.
14:36It's like she's walking on a carpet of mice.
14:39Jesus Christ, Gary.
14:40Those real shoes or those fucking dog toys?
14:43Sounds like that theme from Psycho.
14:49My fellow Americans.
14:51The oath I have taken today is a solemn one.
14:54Excuse me.
14:56I stand before you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
15:00Excuse me.
15:02I stand before you and before God as one who...
15:08Oh, my God. You know better than that. You know better than that.
15:21You have not elected me as your president by your votes,
15:25but I ask that you accept me as your president.
15:28Yep. President squeaks to the nation.
15:31Thank you, and God bless America.
15:58Ma'am, that was amazing.
16:02Amazing speech.
16:04Take these fucking shoes and shoot them in the fucking head.
16:08Yeah, I'm so sorry.
16:10Now, I am the most powerful person in the world, is that correct?
16:13Yes, ma'am.
16:15Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up.
16:18It's my legacy.
16:20Got it?
16:22No fuck-ups.
16:24Ma'am, taking Leslie Kerr away from State has freaked the Iranians out.
16:30They trust him.
16:32Wait a minute. Hold on. I didn't let anyone go from State.
16:35Madam President, you asked me to swap out Leslie Kerr.
16:38No! Leslie Carr.
16:41Carr. C-A-R-R. That bitch from Energy.
16:45Remember I made that joke about she didn't have energy?
16:49Her name is Leanne Carr, ma'am.
16:52Oh, fuck it is.
16:54Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
16:57Oh, my God. What have you done to me, Kent?
16:59Sorry?
17:01You should have questioned the name.
17:03I should have. Yes, I apologize, Madam President.
17:06Can we say that it was just an error?
17:08No, ma'am. The entire world would notice that.
17:11Yeah, it's terrible PR.
17:13You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fucking Lincoln Memorial.
17:16Yes, I am still here.
17:18Oh, my God. Is this gonna hurt us in the polls?
17:20I can't see how it won't.
17:22What does that mean? Is that a yes?
17:24If you mean to say yes, then say yes. You're the fucking yes man.
17:27Yes.
17:29Okay, here's what you're gonna do.
17:31You go to New Hampshire and you attach some electrodes to the corpse of my campaign, okay?
17:36I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna deal with this Leslie Carr bullshit.
17:39Leanne Kerr.
17:41Okay, whatever the fuck.
17:43What man is named Leslie, for fuck's sakes?
17:45Leslie Nielsen.
17:47Leslie Moonves.
17:49Leslie Frazier, the coach of the Vikings.
17:51Huh?
17:52Good speech.
17:54Ma'am, Secretary Maddox would like a meeting stat.
17:56No, stat.
17:58He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
18:00Got it.
18:05Welcome to the White House.
18:07History books with a squeaky clean speech.
18:10The relationship with Iran grows considerably more tense.
18:13It was a mishearing which led to a misspeaking which led to a misfiring.
18:18Human error.
18:20Yeah, simple human error.
18:22Human?
18:24Several separate humans, Sean.
18:26I mean, we all make mistakes.
18:28Just ask your mom and dad.
18:30Has President Meyer spoken to the President of Iran?
18:33I'm not able to answer that.
18:35Otherwise I'd have to have you killed.
18:37Does the President believe this is a moment for levity?
18:41Uh...
18:43No.
18:45She does not.
18:47Does not.
18:48Two hours in office and already President Meyer is making Iran irate.
18:52Imagine what she could do in 24 hours.
18:55Imagine Selina Meyer is the only person keeping your children safe at night.
19:00Cause she is.
19:02Let's vote her out and make the Commander-in-Chief the Commander-in-Brief.
19:06That is some powerful stuff.
19:08Makes you think.
19:10I'd say to take a break from the phones, a couple of rude calls.
19:14It does hurt your feelings.
19:16You know, F this, shove your whatever into your what.
19:19I mean, just get some fresh air, we'll be right back to it.
19:23I think they were deprived of fresh air at birth.
19:27Okay, Maddox is going to withdraw.
19:29How does this work for us?
19:31He might endorse Selina, but Jeff Kane was backing him.
19:35He can bring in the senior citizens.
19:37They only got one vote left in them.
19:39We need it.
19:41Do we really want to push the Jonas Uncle alarm?
19:43We have to.
19:44We need warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in the card.
19:48Kent, your rhetoric, as always, is inspiring. I am calling Dan.
19:53Okay, Amy, yes, I'll find him.
19:56I mean, how hard can it be?
20:00Hey, Jonah.
20:02You know, buddy, I have been mean, and I'm sorry.
20:05What kind of idiot do you think I am?
20:07Is there a choice?
20:09I only have one asset that you would be interested in, and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
20:14Great, so you'll get us Uncle Jeff.
20:16Oh, no, I'm just getting started.
20:19I want West Exec parking for the cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
20:23No, that's impossible.
20:25Well, then you better possible-ize it, Dan.
20:27And I want somebody that works for me.
20:30I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.
20:33Oh, you want a Jonah.
20:35Yeah, I want a Jonah.
20:37And henceforth, they will no longer be known as Jonas.
20:39They'll be known as Jimmies, or Pepes, or Saras, or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be.
20:45And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay?
20:48See, I'm on to you already.
20:50Shit, I gotta go.
20:52You know what? They should be called Dan's.
20:55Well, that was an awkward cabinet meeting.
20:58Leanne Carr knows I definitely tried to fire her.
21:00She found some fucking energy now.
21:02How are we doing with the office moves, Sue?
21:04Two more days, ma'am.
21:06Oh, okay.
21:07What?
21:09Maddox and Pierce just publicly endorsed Chong.
21:11This means you could come in third.
21:13Ma'am, shit just in.
21:15Goddammit, I know.
21:17I can't be president and come in third.
21:19We're gonna have to go to New Hampshire now.
21:21Excellent idea.
21:22All right, I'll pack you up.
21:24Maybe pack a squeaky coat.
21:26All right, call Amy right now.
21:28Tell her I need a photo op or something.
21:30We need like a hospital or a school or a factory, okay?
21:32Just not a hospice.
21:34I can't risk some fucker flatlining right next to me.
21:35Maybe Chong didn't torture that guy,
21:37but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls.
21:39Jesus.
21:41If I come in third,
21:43this could be the shortest administration in history.
21:45Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency.
21:47No, that won't happen.
21:50Isn't this plane amazing?
21:52Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chong?
21:58Okay, so what does Jonah's uncle want exactly?
22:01Long-term?
22:03Medicaid?
22:05Medicare task force and social security reform.
22:07But for now, we can give him a private ten minutes
22:09and, of course, picture with the president.
22:11Oh, will he agree to that?
22:13You are the president, ma'am.
22:15Oh, my God.
22:17Right.
22:19All right, so as long as he can guarantee us
22:21the blue hair ballots, right?
22:23No, ma'am, he's an AARP lobbyist.
22:25All right, he's got old people coming out of his ass.
22:27Haiku version Jeff Cain will buy us some bodies.
22:29I want that polling place to look like
22:31an assisted living facility, okay?
22:33So we'll do the photo op, Gary?
22:35Gary says photo op, ma'am.
22:37It's at a factory that makes protective gear
22:39for firefighters.
22:41I think that's great, ma'am.
22:43Everybody loves firefighters.
22:45Everybody wants to keep them safe.
22:47Yeah, everybody wants to fuck them, too.
22:49God, I would love to fuck a firefighter.
22:51Hey, I'm the president.
22:53I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
22:55All the other ones have.
22:57I hope I can count on your vote.
22:59Can I?
23:00Yes!
23:02I can tell you're going to vote for me.
23:03Obviously, the most important aspect
23:05of the suit is the fact that it's...
23:07Fireproof?
23:09Is that right?
23:11I got an A, good.
23:13She is so good at making people believe
23:15she's good with people.
23:17Yeah, she's doing great.
23:19She's on fire.
23:21The great advantage that she has
23:23over the other candidates in this race
23:25is that she's the president.
23:27She's not the president.
23:29Fireproof, can't be made of tissue paper,
23:31can't be made of cashmere.
23:33Would you excuse me?
23:35I'll be right back in just a second.
23:37We've got to go back to D.C.
23:39Why?
23:41You got the oath wrong, ma'am.
23:43You didn't say preserve.
23:45Yes, I did.
23:47No, not really.
23:49You said pre, and then Mike fell into the lamp.
23:51The speaker insists that you take it again
23:53and that the oath isn't legal
23:55and that you're not the president.
23:57I am the president.
23:59I'm not going back to D.C.
24:01I'm staying in New Hampshire.
24:03You can do it.
24:05No, I've got a better idea.
24:07Get a local judge to do it.
24:09Wait, wait, wait.
24:11Isn't that going to look just a little bit tacky?
24:13It's like I'm trying to get sworn in
24:15by an Elvis impersonator.
24:17Think about it.
24:18No, no, no.
24:20That could be really great for us.
24:22Play up to New Hampshire's already
24:24inflated sense of self-importance.
24:26Exactly.
24:28I got it.
24:30I'm on it.
24:31Let's move on to the detachable inner portion
24:33of the suit, which is water resistant.
24:35Oh, because you're holding a fire hose.
24:37Yes, say again.
24:39Madam President, I'm so sorry to interrupt again.
24:41Sorry.
24:43Oh, I'm so sorry.
24:45Got to put out another fire over here, I guess.
24:47Shit.
24:49What is it?
24:51Iran is officially pissed
24:53that you fired Leslie Kerr.
24:55Apparently they like the guy.
24:57It must be the beard.
24:59What does officially pissed mean?
25:01You made an official statement
25:03that could spook the markets,
25:05you know, spike gas prices.
25:07You've got to reinstate Leslie Kerr.
25:09Period.
25:11We believe that that would be a PR disaster.
25:13So you'd rather piss off blue-collar truck drivers
25:15than their chicken-frying wives?
25:17No.
25:18We're surrounded by these people.
25:20Keep your voice down.
25:22Get him on the phone.
25:24Hi.
25:26Now I am all yours.
25:28Excuse me.
25:30I'm sorry to interrupt.
25:32A Diane Appleby, a local federal judge,
25:34is going to be here in 15 minutes.
25:36Okay.
25:38Sir, do you have a private room
25:40that we could use very briefly
25:42for some official White House business?
25:44Well, I don't know.
25:46Maybe perhaps your office?
25:48Madam President, Leslie Kerr.
25:50Excuse me.
25:52Leslie?
25:54My office is being treated for black mold.
25:56You don't have to wear protective masks.
25:58Would that be a problem?
26:00I just want you to know
26:02that the AARP is very close to my heart.
26:04That's good to hear.
26:06I am so pleased
26:08that we can count on your support.
26:10Happy to help, ma'am.
26:12And you know what I want to do?
26:14I want to do a photo with you
26:16after I'm done with this swearing-in business.
26:18And could young Jonah also be in the photograph?
26:21Sure.
26:23Ma'am, can I say
26:25that I am just honored to be a part of your team
26:27and that I will serve you faithfully
26:28as your new president.
26:30That's lovely.
26:32Ma'am, the room's clear.
26:34The judge is ready for the swearing-in.
26:36And Catherine's here?
26:38I don't know.
26:40She must be stuck in traffic.
26:42Well, I need her.
26:44She's got to hold the Bible.
26:46Oh, I could do that.
26:48No?
26:49No.
26:51I'm sorry I'm late.
26:53Ah!
26:55My baby is here!
26:56Thank you very much.
26:58Sorry to interrupt, Your Honor.
27:00I'm just going to make the shot a little better.
27:02Okay.
27:04So maybe here is good.
27:06Okay.
27:08I, Selena Catherine Meyer...
27:10This is an historic moment.
27:12I mean,
27:14I like this one better than the first one.
27:18The Constitution of the United States.
27:20It's good.
27:22You know, she's the people's president.
27:24This looks ordinary. It looks relatable.
27:26It's horrible.
27:28She looks like she's in Flash Things.
27:30They're going to have a field day with that haircut.
27:32Thai ladyboy made head of sweatshop.
27:35Second time lucky for Selena as President Meyer's second...
27:39Things are not looking good for Selena Meyer as New Hampshire makes...
27:42With victory now confirmed for Governor Danny Chung,
27:45it's a race for second place here in New Hampshire.
27:48I think that there were fundamental issues with the New Hampshire campaign,
27:51and I just wish I'd have been here earlier to advise you.
27:53Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine.
28:00That's good. We won Dixville notch.
28:03It's got a population of 12, Mike.
28:05I know, Dan, but it's famous.
28:07Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
28:10He didn't win New Hampshire either.
28:13Look,
28:15Bedford hasn't come in yet. That's a big one.
28:18We take Bedford, we got a shot.
28:20We lost Bedford.
28:21Shit, just now?
28:23No, while you were sleeping, Mike.
28:25I wasn't sleeping. What about Durham?
28:27Their numbers are the same as the last time you asked me, two minutes ago.
28:32What's going on? What are you hearing? Is there any news?
28:35Chung won. Right now we're just waiting to see...
28:37Oh, wait, Greg at CNN's calling it.
28:39Oh, did I come in second?
28:41Shit, Thornhill took it by 1%. You came in third.
28:44Oh, delete that.
28:47In what world would that photograph work?
28:49It's 1%. That's nothing.
28:51I mean, you're basically second.
28:53You're second in our eyes, I'll tell you that much.
28:59Thank you, New Hampshire.
29:05I stand before you tonight,
29:07not in triumph,
29:09but in humility.
29:11Not with a sense of entitlement,
29:13but with a sense of responsibility.
29:16So?
29:17Are they ready for us?
29:19Oh, whatever. I don't give a shit.
29:21Gary?
29:22Yep.
29:23Come on.
29:24Yep, yep, yep, yep.
29:26Yep.
29:47I've got so many staples in this box.
29:50Shit.
29:52I want a desk by the window.
29:54Yeah?
29:56Shit.
29:57Proud to jump on it?
29:59Well, I'd be on the first floor,
30:01so that really wouldn't work, would it?
30:03I guess I don't do a lot of stapling.
30:05Asshole.
30:07Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
30:09Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
30:11Excuse me.
30:12Don't get too confused.
30:14I'm not confused.
30:16Excuse me.
30:18Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
30:20I came in third, Amy, okay?
30:22Even the Nazis came in second.
30:46Oh.
30:48Oh.
30:50Oh.
30:52Oh.
30:54Oh.
30:56Oh.
30:58Oh.
30:59Oh.
31:01Oh.
31:03Oh.