First broadcast 20th June 1996.
Gary and Dorothy are back together whilst Tony is busking his way around Europe so Dorothy moves her things into the flat.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Gary and Dorothy are back together whilst Tony is busking his way around Europe so Dorothy moves her things into the flat.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Category
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TVTranscript
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04:35There are similarities, obviously.
04:38What will we do with his room?
04:40Well, if you like, we can turn it into a shrine in his memory.
04:44Can we?
04:46You could use it to do sewing in or whatever.
04:50Girl things.
04:52I think maybe a shrine.
04:55LAUGHTER
05:01Buenos dÃas!
05:04Guten Tag!
05:07Bon Jovi!
05:10Harry!
05:11It's your old flatmate, Tony.
05:13Returned from several weeks on the road,
05:15visiting some of Europe's fascinating capital cities
05:18and out-of-the-way places.
05:20Harry!
05:21Harry!
05:23LAUGHTER
05:32Sofa!
05:38Sofa!
05:40Sofa!
05:42Sofa, sofa, sofa, sofa!
05:45Oh!
05:49CRASH!
05:53LAUGHTER
06:06Fridge!
06:10Fridge!
06:12Fridge!
06:14Fridge, fridge, fridge, fridge!
06:17Full of lager!
06:19Lager!
06:23Same things.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:42Debs, hi.
06:44Guess who?
06:46No, try again.
06:49No, it starts with a T.
06:51Yeah, T, T, O, T, T...
06:53Tony! Yeah!
06:56Did you miss me?
06:58I've thought of nothing else.
07:00Oh, hey, did you get me a postcard from Amsterdam?
07:03Yeah, nude woman squatting on tulips.
07:08Hey, Deb, I've got a surprise for you.
07:10I'll pop up later and show you.
07:12Listen, I met some really brilliant bearded blokes.
07:16Where do you stand on beards?
07:18Oh, Tony, my life hasn't been going really well at the moment.
07:22I'm not interested in beards.
07:24Yeah, but do you like the maximum beardy look?
07:28Or do you go for, like, the Noel Edmonds-type face hair?
07:31Or maybe something in between?
07:37Huh.
07:40HUMMING
07:54SCREAMING
08:01Take anything you want, but don't hit my face.
08:06Gary.
08:09It's me.
08:15You see?
08:17Oh, it's Tony!
08:27So, who are you?
08:30Oh, no, it's a beard.
08:32Yeah, I got really hungry in Barcelona.
08:34I had to swap my razor for a piece of ham.
08:36Yeah, I tried to offer the woman in the shop me spare pants,
08:39but she said they were only worth a tomato.
08:41Oh. Yeah.
08:42Did you get me a postcard from there?
08:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:45It's not often you see a naked woman bullfighting, is it?
08:48No.
08:50I think they're trying to phase that out.
08:52Yeah.
08:53So what was your favourite country?
08:55What's that little one just outside Holland?
08:57Belgium.
08:58Belgium, yeah, that was good.
09:00Great chips.
09:01How about Spain?
09:03Not so good. A bit long, you know, and a bit misshapen.
09:07Generally, though.
09:08Generally, quite tasty, and you get quite a lot for your money as well.
09:11Italy, though, better chips down the back of our sofa, mate.
09:14So you've had quite a lot of chips there.
09:19What do you think?
09:20Mm.
09:21I've trimmed it down a bit for Debra, you know.
09:23Yeah.
09:24But I'm not sure if she'd prefer a beard or a moustache.
09:27You wouldn't do me a favour, would you?
09:29Pop upstairs and find out if she'd prefer me with a beard or a moustache.
09:32It's amazing.
09:33Tash, paper bag on your head, car parked on your face, it's all the same to her.
09:38So what do you have to do to get a present round here?
09:40Oh, yeah, hang on for me.
09:43Let's see.
09:44Ah!
09:50Wow.
09:51I picked this up in a lager souvenir shop in Munich.
09:54Yeah?
09:59It's a lager mitt.
10:00Yeah, it's a labour-saving device, saves you having to grip the can.
10:05Hey!
10:06Hey!
10:11Cheers, mate.
10:12Cheers.
10:16Takes a bit of getting used to.
10:19Listen, mate, what's happened to the fridge?
10:21It's full of green stuff.
10:22Oh, yeah, that was Dorothy's idea.
10:24She thought it was time we experimented with keeping food in it.
10:26Oh.
10:28So, everything all right with you two?
10:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine, fine, yeah.
10:32Nothing changed while I was away?
10:34No, no.
10:37I'm just going to go upstairs and ask Deborah about your beard.
10:39Yeah.
10:40Right, mate.
10:41Oh.
10:46It's a bit dark in here, isn't it?
10:48Is it?
10:50What are you trying to do, grow your own mushrooms?
10:53No.
10:54Of course not, pretty little thing like you.
10:58Would you like me to snuggle up under your blanket?
11:01Rather I didn't snuggle, OK.
11:18What do you want?
11:19Well, I'd quite like to snuggle up under your blanket.
11:21No!
11:24OK, um...
11:26I have a problem.
11:28You've got a problem.
11:30Have you lost your job?
11:32Have you been let down or bored to death by your last four boyfriends?
11:35Have you got excruciating period pains?
11:38No.
11:40Have you got an £800 visa bill you can't pay,
11:43negative equity, a feeling of worthlessness
11:45and a permanent headache?
11:48So, anyway, my problem...
11:51You knocked about a bit when you were young, Debra.
11:55Oh, thanks.
11:56No problem.
11:58You've been around the block a few hundred times,
12:00chat girls, you're no stranger to the old boy meets girl,
12:04girl shags boys, sex war shenanigans.
12:08What is your point?
12:10You know what it's like when you live with someone
12:12of the opposite, you know, sexual grouping?
12:16Yes.
12:17Yes.
12:19What's it like?
12:22Is this about Dorothy moving in with you?
12:25Might be.
12:28Well, it can be quite lovely.
12:30Great.
12:31There's good and bad points, obviously.
12:33Good and bad points. It's a bit of a mixed bag.
12:36But the biggest thing is you really get to know each other.
12:41Mm.
12:44Still, on the plus side...
12:47you get to have sexual intercourse as and when you want to.
12:53I'm sure you and Dorothy will be fine.
12:56Yeah, we'll be all right, won't we?
13:03So, how are you?
13:05Oh, I'm having a whale of a time.
13:08Excellent.
13:09Oh, by the way, do you like moustaches?
13:13I don't care.
13:14OK. Only asked.
13:17IN GERMAN
13:31Pop! Pop!
13:32Hey, that's fun. It's very European.
13:34Yeah, I'm not quite sure I got all the lyrics right.
13:37Not to worry.
13:38This German guy taught me Klaus,
13:40you know, while he was taking me fingerprints.
13:42Used to go storm when I was busking.
13:44People used to come out of shops to listen.
13:46I bet they did, mate.
13:47Yeah.
13:50Hey, hey.
13:51What country's got the sexiest birds, then, eh?
13:54All right, well...
13:55I reckon if you took a Swedish bird's buttocks...
14:00Yeah.
14:01..a German bird's breasts...
14:02Oh.
14:03..an Italian bird's face...
14:05Yeah.
14:06..and a Swiss bird's thighs...
14:07Oh, God.
14:08..you'd have something for even the most hardened Eurosceptic.
14:12So, did you get the opportunity to do much
14:15skiing down the old pink run, eh?
14:21Do what, mate?
14:23Sex!
14:24Sex?
14:25Yeah!
14:26Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course!
14:27Yeah?
14:28Yeah!
14:30Well, tell me, then.
14:33Well, I was busking in Germany
14:36and this bird smiles at me
14:39and she licks her lips all slow,
14:42even though they don't need licking.
14:44And she put a little phone number in me tin
14:46and I frang her up later on and...
14:48Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
14:49Oh, great.
14:51So, there was that one and...
14:54Oh, yeah.
14:55I was hitching down the French River area
14:58and this bird...
14:59This bird pulls up in an open-top sports car
15:02and as we're driving along, she says she feels all hot.
15:05Oh, I don't feel so hot.
15:08She starts to ease her skirt up.
15:10So, you didn't have sex with anyone, then, did you?
15:14No, no.
15:15I had a bit of a language problem.
15:17Klaus taught me the German for,
15:19you have a lovely face, please may I buy you some coffee?
15:22I found out a week later I've been saying,
15:24don't come any closer or I'll fetch Mr Knobbly.
15:33Good luck, mate.
15:34Cheers, mate.
15:36I've always liked the French.
15:38What was that, then?
15:40No, I don't mean liked, I mean hated.
15:42Hated, yeah.
15:43Hey, I'll tell you one thing about the French women, though.
15:46Yeah.
15:47You know they don't shave under their arms?
15:49Yeah.
15:50Well, I met this bird in a bar in Paris, right,
15:52and the hair under her arms was so long, she put it in a bun.
15:55Oh, God, they'll eat anything, won't they?
15:58Frogs legs, snail...
16:00No, mate, no, no.
16:02No.
16:03A bun.
16:04No, like women have on the top of their head.
16:06Oh, yeah.
16:08Hey, did you find out if Debs preferred me with a moustache?
16:11Yeah, she said yeah.
16:12Oh, this is great, mate.
16:15Me and you down here,
16:16commenting intelligently on the issues of the day.
16:19Debs upstairs, all sexy.
16:24Dorothy popping in now and again for chats.
16:30Actually, she's moving in.
16:32What?
16:34She's moving in?
16:37But she'll want me to move out.
16:40I've got nowhere to go.
16:42I like it here, mate.
16:44You can't release me into the community.
16:50Don't do this to me, mate.
16:52No, you're right.
16:54I'll tell Dorothy I've changed my mind.
16:58Thanks, mate.
16:59Don't get me wrong, I really like Dorothy.
17:02I know, you slept with her, didn't you?
17:05I'm sorry.
17:06But what happens when you live with a woman?
17:09Huh? She'll fill the place with cushions.
17:12Cushions, yeah.
17:13Yeah, she'll make you drink your beer out of a tumbler.
17:15And they say things like,
17:16if you're going to fart, will you please go and do it in the garden?
17:20That's true.
17:21Yeah.
17:23Bottom line is, mate, we're mates.
17:26And we know how to have a good time.
17:28Yeah, we do, don't we?
17:29We do.
17:30We're mates.
18:00Oh, my God.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:48George, did you live with Marjorie before you married her?
18:52No.
18:53To us, getting married was like going on a lovely picnic.
18:57And as Marjorie pointed out, a picnic's never as nice
19:00if you've nibbled the pork pie before you've spread your rug.
19:08No, I can see that.
19:10But what if you've already nibbled your pork pie many, many times?
19:14In fact, you're a little bit tired of pork pie,
19:16why would you bother going on a bloody picnic at all?
19:20No, I think you're thinking too much about this.
19:23You should do things like me, sort of in a daze.
19:28I'm just not sure if I'm ready to live with someone.
19:31Can't be that bad, you already do.
19:33Tony, he's a bloke.
19:35Well, what's the difference between a man and a woman?
19:38Tell him, Anthea.
19:41Well...
19:43men tend to be more heavily built round the shoulders.
19:48And they keep their small change in their trouser pockets.
19:53And they jingle it occasionally.
19:56Whereas women tend to keep theirs in a little purse.
20:00Well, thank you, Anthea, for those insights.
20:03Oh, I don't know.
20:04Dorothy and I have been getting on so well together,
20:07why should we spoil it by her moving in with me?
20:10Anyway, where would she sleep?
20:13In my bedroom.
20:15Oh, of course.
20:19So, where would you sleep?
20:24In the cupboard under the stairs. Go to your room, Anthea.
20:28It's no good, George, I'm going to call her.
20:34Hello?
20:35Can I speak to Dorothy, please?
20:37Yes, the scary one.
20:39Well, where's she gone?
20:42Right, thanks.
20:44I thought of one.
20:46Women tend to like cushions more than men, don't they?
20:50And women like having their knees rubbed with a twig.
20:54Or maybe that's just Marjorie.
20:57According to the hospital, Dorothy's taken the afternoon off
21:00to move in with her boyfriend.
21:02Dorothy's got a boyfriend?
21:04Me, George.
21:07Dorothy?
21:09Is that me?
21:11Oh, yeah.
21:13Oh!
21:15Oh, oh, oh.
21:18Oh.
21:20Oh.
21:22Oh, well.
21:24We've missed you.
21:26Yeah, I've been out. Going round Europe.
21:28I know.
21:30Yeah.
21:32Hey, what do you think of the gear, eh?
21:34Picked it up on me travels.
21:36Lovely.
21:38Er, did you keep the receipts?
21:40No.
21:42It's me big chance to wow Deborah
21:44with me clothes and me new face hair.
21:46You don't think you stand a better chance doing it by phone?
21:49Eh?
21:50No, good luck.
21:52Tony, um, it's a bit, er...
21:54lopsided.
21:56Oh, no!
21:58Yeah.
22:01Listen, Tony, while you were away,
22:03Gary and I have been getting on really well.
22:05I...
22:16Ta-da!
22:20Me!
22:22I'm back.
22:24I'm back.
22:30Deborah?
22:32HE HUMS
22:51So?
22:54I've moved in.
22:56Great.
22:58I had a bit of a ram of parents,
23:00so I thought I'd move in straight away.
23:02They're not too happy about it, then?
23:04My mum said she'd prefer it
23:06if I was moving into a mobile home with Hannibal Lecter.
23:09Oh.
23:11Suddenly feels like quite a big step.
23:18You seem to have brought
23:20a country craft calendar into the flat.
23:24Yeah, er, don't be frightened.
23:26October's all about how to ferment your own wine
23:28out of whatever's lying around in the fridge.
23:30Which would be lager in your case, obviously.
23:33You've covered up Sharon.
23:36Yeah, well.
23:38Got me here now.
23:40Yeah, of course.
23:43Don't worry, she's still there.
23:50Oh, you didn't seem to have any cushions,
23:52so I brought some.
23:59Something wrong?
24:01Er, got something to say.
24:03What?
24:05Nothing.
24:07Um, well, I thought Tony could stay here for a little while
24:10until he sort of realises he's in the way.
24:12Of course.
24:14You know that could take some time.
24:16No, it'd be fun, the three of us living here.
24:18We could teach Cassidy when they go to Bolivia, on a trip.
24:22That'll make you Robert Redford then, yeah?
24:24Yeah.
24:26Well, good luck in the role.
24:28Thanks.
24:30So, what do people do when they live together?
24:40Oh!
24:49So, this Turkish sales rep and me are driving along,
24:54and we can't understand a word of each other's language.
24:58So I start to do me cheese impression,
25:01you know, using the international language of cheese.
25:04I managed to make that last a good couple of hours.
25:07Then I got me guitar out
25:10and decided to play him a Kylie song.
25:13And he had to stop the car suddenly and drop me off.
25:19I was lying on me back in this field in Bulgaria
25:23and I had this really amazing dream
25:26that when I came back, you'd really like me
25:29and we'd be together forever
25:31and everything was going to be all right.
25:35And I think the dream would have gone on longer,
25:39only I had this bad sausage in Romania
25:44and I woke up to find I'd been sick in me sleeping bag.
25:49Still, these are the hazards of being on the road.
26:04So, basically, nothing will change?
26:06No.
26:07Dorothy understands that we men are a force of nature,
26:11like the wind.
26:14Or sleet.
26:15Sleet, yeah, we're like sleet.
26:17So, I'll just go on paying rent as before.
26:20Yeah, well, you've never actually paid it yet, though, have you?
26:23Not as such, no.
26:25Now, I'm not a royal buff, as you know.
26:28No, no, no, not a buff, no.
26:30No.
26:31But you could, of course, argue
26:33that Prince Charles and Lady Di's biggest mistake
26:36was living together.
26:38Yeah, yeah.
26:39I mean, they might still be together now
26:41if she'd just stayed over a few nights, you know.
26:44He left a bottle of Head & Shoulders and a spare sports bra
26:47round at the palace.
26:50In a little plastic bag?
26:51In a little plastic bag, exactly.
26:53Yeah, and then when Prince Charles stayed at her place,
26:56he'd have his own little plastic bag waiting for him
26:58containing his spare royal toothbrush.
27:01Yeah.
27:02And his spare royal contact lenses.
27:04Yeah.
27:05And his royal contact lens fluid.
27:07And a book, in case he'd read both of Di's.
27:10Yeah.
27:13Cool, he had the pick of the European princesses, didn't he?
27:17The whole thing of Luxembourg and Duda, wherever.
27:22Yeah.
27:25So, if you could make your own princess...
27:30Yeah.
27:31..who would you go for?
27:33Well, for the face, I think it'd have to be
27:35Princess Carolina Monaco.
27:37And I'd give Di the shout on the flat tummy.
27:40Yeah.
27:41And if you're talking arses...
28:07LAUGHTER
28:17LAUGHTER
28:37MUSIC
28:56XBOX SOUND