First broadcast 1st August 1996.
When Dorothy and Deborah go away for the weekend Tony builds a sauna in the shed - or a shedna, as he terms it.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Tracy Whitwell ... Paula
Elizabeth Carling ... Carol (as Liz Carling)
When Dorothy and Deborah go away for the weekend Tony builds a sauna in the shed - or a shedna, as he terms it.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Tracy Whitwell ... Paula
Elizabeth Carling ... Carol (as Liz Carling)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for joining us, and we'll see you next time.
00:30Those must be the two scariest words in the English language.
00:51What?
00:52Sailing weekend. Let's go on a sailing weekend.
00:56In actual fact, I think I'd rather go on a having-your-nose-pulled-off weekend or a sitting-in-sick weekend.
01:04Don't go.
01:05I have to.
01:06Why?
01:07I've already bought one of those shiny yellow hats that sailing people wear.
01:11What is the point of sailing silly little wobbly boats with silly wobbly people on them?
01:18There's nothing silly or wobbly about me and Deborah.
01:22Well, I don't know where you got that idea from.
01:29I think there's only one thing more pointless than sailing.
01:33Asking you to shut your face.
01:36No, flying a kite.
01:39You stand in a wind. You get some dreary slave to run along with it.
01:44It flaps about a bit. It pops to the ground.
01:47You spend an hour winding up the string, and then you go home.
01:51I'll tell you what. In fact, I'll tell a lie.
01:53There is a more pointless thing. Puppet shows.
01:56Staging your own puppet shows and doing the voices of the little characters while wiggling them around.
02:02You really are an incredibly joyless character, aren't you?
02:07No, not me. I'm built for fun.
02:09Really?
02:10Yeah.
02:11All my friends think you're built for pointing at and slapping.
02:18Come to my bedroom and make love.
02:20Why? Who's in there?
02:23With me.
02:24I can't. Deborah's coming down in a minute.
02:27Well, she'll understand. She knows people have to have sex.
02:31She doesn't. She has no idea.
02:33Oh. What am I supposed to do for sex this weekend?
02:36Well, I don't need to draw you a picture.
02:38Look, you know how cramped you felt when I was living here?
02:42You kept going on about needing more quality bloke time, more lager space.
02:47That was last week. I'm changeable. That's why I'm so fascinating.
02:53It's good that we do our own thing.
02:55What's tragic is that your thing seems to be watching TV, drinking beer
03:00and talking to Tony in your unusual homemade grunting language.
03:07Eh? Eh?
03:12Look. Brilliant, innit?
03:18You'll have to help us out with what it is.
03:20No, this is good. I'm doing the garden up for us.
03:23This is one of me stools for me wooden seating area
03:26and there's going to be a wooden barbecue
03:29and a little wooden wheelbarrow with a little wooden wheel.
03:32So wood very much the theme then, Tony.
03:37Yeah, and I'm going to convert the shed into a sauna.
03:42A sauna, really?
03:46What do you mean?
03:48So you won't be begging and pleading Deborah to hop into your converted shed
03:52with you wearing nothing but a little tiny towel, then?
03:55I thought it never even entered my head.
04:08Oh!
04:10It's not made for hats!
04:16I've got to show you me plans before you go away.
04:19What sort of plans?
04:21Here, come and look.
04:23Now, you see, there'll be a seating area here...
04:29..with stools
04:31and there'll be a barbecue here, you see, for Barbies.
04:35Here, toss me over one of those pork chop guys, will you, cobber?
04:41And another tinny from me tuckerbeg.
04:48And if there's any wood left over, I'm going to make a wishing well.
04:51Don't, Tony.
04:53Oh, OK.
04:55Why have you drawn people lying down in the shed?
04:58Yeah.
05:00Right, now, that, I think, is now a sauna.
05:04A sauna?
05:06It's a Swedish thing.
05:08I know. Where's the shed going?
05:11No, you see, I'm converting the shed into a sauna.
05:15I suppose, technically, it'll be called a shedner.
05:19And what happens to all the things that are in the shed?
05:24Yeah, anyway, I hope to have it completed over the weekend
05:27so that when you get back from your sailing weekend,
05:29we can, you know, just pop straight into the sauna.
05:32Apparently, you go in all tense and you come out all floppy.
05:39So I've heard.
05:41And it's really healthy.
05:43Let's say, after half an hour in the sauna,
05:45you can see the dirt oozing out of you.
05:47So it's a bit like sitting in the shed.
05:52Excellent.
05:54Tony, I might argue,
05:57if I really thought for one minute, you would actually do it.
06:00No, no, I am actually serious.
06:02I've even chosen the towels, look.
06:06Bit on the small side, aren't they?
06:09No, no, I checked in Sauna Magazine.
06:11These are pretty standard.
06:14Can you honestly imagine me wearing that?
06:25Very much so.
06:36Wearing that straight now? Yeah.
06:40So you reckon the old sauna's the answer with Deborah, then?
06:43Yeah, yeah, she once told me that the heat makes her feel sexy.
06:46And you reckon she'll still feel sexy lying basically in a warm shed?
06:50No, no, I'll kit it out like a proper sauna.
06:53You know, kitchens of Scandinavians.
06:56What, like Abba? Yeah, yeah, that'd be good.
06:59Or a photo of an open sandwich, that's very Scandinavian.
07:02Yeah.
07:03Hey, you know how Abba is made up of their initials?
07:05Yeah. Yeah, well, I've been thinking, right.
07:07What if Agnetha or Anifred had been called, say, Betty,
07:11then Abba would have been known as Bab.
07:13Yeah.
07:15And if Benny had been called Sven, Abba would have been called Saab.
07:20And if they'd teamed up with the Bee Gees, Barry, Robin and Morris,
07:25then they could have called themselves Brabham.
07:29What are you girls doing?
07:32Water skiing.
07:34Water skiing? Where's your skis?
07:39Some girls.
07:42Hi. Hi.
07:44Hi.
07:45Nice washing.
07:46Nice.
07:47Yeah.
07:49You ever been scuba diving?
07:51Sorry, mate. It's OK.
07:53So, where do you get your shorts?
07:55My mum's got some just like them.
07:58Which of us are you asking?
08:01Either.
08:04I thought you said your mum had some just like them.
08:06They can't be like both of them.
08:08Yeah.
08:10Would you like to come to a barbecue tonight?
08:13You'll be there?
08:26LAUGHTER
08:52Listen, mate, I've been thinking.
08:54We've got to allocate birds.
08:55We can't just steam in there, mob-handed.
08:57We've got to treat these girls with the respect they deserve
08:59as two separate chicks.
09:01Yeah.
09:02And I think Paula is the one for me.
09:04Why?
09:05Well, I don't know. It could be...
09:07It could be a smile.
09:08Smile, yeah.
09:09It could be that little tinkle in her laugh.
09:11Little tinkle, yeah.
09:12But I think it's probably because she's obviously begging for it.
09:16Oh, thanks.
09:17So while you're off playing Who's Bush with your sexy piece,
09:21I get to chat to a librarian friend
09:23about what the weather's been doing.
09:25Yeah, yeah.
09:26I'm a single bloke and you've got Dorothy.
09:28Well, who knows what she's up to?
09:30Give us a handful of your horn.
09:34I mean, it wouldn't be the first time one of us has gone away
09:36for the weekend and she's ended up...
09:38HE GROANS
09:40..shiving up some bloke's mast and hoisting his giblet or whatever.
09:44Yeah.
09:45Yeah, it was with you.
09:47Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry.
09:49It's like when you're sitting on a sofa with a girl,
09:51next minute your tongue's...
09:53Ah!
09:55It's OK.
09:56All right, then, you have Paula.
09:58Quite a fancy cow, anyway.
10:00And they say it's always the quiet ones.
10:02No, I'm owing cow.
10:05OK.
10:10Oh!
10:12I've had a great day building stuff!
10:17Hey, do you know, I always wanted to be a carpenter.
10:21I don't mean in the group, the carpenters.
10:24Yeah, sure, mate.
10:26I once built a treehouse in our garden,
10:28but we didn't have any trees, so I built it on the ground.
10:31It's probably safer, anyway.
10:33Yeah, yeah.
10:34I built a Wendy house when I was little.
10:36Obviously, I called it a Gary house.
10:38I used to eat all my meals in it.
10:40I didn't want to, but my parents insisted.
10:44We did woodwork at school, you know,
10:46but I got chucked out for nailing Dave Tupp into the workboat.
10:49If it wasn't for that, I'd probably be a carpenter now.
10:52And I don't mean in the group, the carpenters.
10:54No, mate.
10:55I don't mean in the group, the carpenters.
10:57No, mate.
11:26What are we doing wrong?
11:27I don't know, mate.
11:28Aren't we supposed to blow on it or something?
11:32Right.
11:33What's wrong?
11:34Blowing it out.
11:37Maybe we should buy some sort of mitre fluid.
11:45Evening.
11:48Hey! Sausage!
11:49Howdy.
11:50How's it going?
11:51Good.
11:52Hey! Sausage!
11:53Howdy.
11:58Should I blow on it? It looks like it's going out.
12:00What we're doing, you see, is letting the flames build up
12:02really quite substantially to sear the juices in.
12:05Sear them in? I reckon you'll scare the crap out of them.
12:14Hi.
12:15Hi.
12:17Yeah, what Tony's doing now is going round
12:19and nicely ensuring that the barbecue stays under control.
12:32Thank you, Tony.
12:33So, can I interest you in a beverage?
12:36What can I get for you?
12:37Do you have anything other than lager?
12:39Er, yep.
12:42My lager.
12:43OK, so you've gone for the lager.
12:46Lovely choice.
12:49Well, allow me.
13:00So, the burgers are on.
13:04Do you know, I think they're nearly done, actually.
13:08So, welcome, welcome.
13:10I must say, you're a great improvement on the last tenant.
13:12She is a squalid old tart.
13:14That's my auntie, actually. She still lives there.
13:16Oh, well, give him my love when you see her.
13:19I'm staying down with her till tomorrow.
13:21I'm having a crazy time in London, you know.
13:24I can be a bit of a wild child, me.
13:26Oh, great.
13:29What about you, Paula?
13:30I've left my husband with the kids.
13:32He's great. I'd really like him.
13:36Carol, did you do that song?
13:39What?
13:40Burgers, Tony.
13:41Yeah. Burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers.
13:43Really?
13:45Cheers.
13:47Oh, there's Jessica on the lawn.
13:49It's a bit out of focus, but she's really cute, isn't she?
13:51Yeah.
13:53You can see how she's grown.
13:54Yeah, upwards.
13:55If you just compare her with a few months back.
13:57Should I go back?
13:58Oh, no.
13:59Oh, OK.
14:00Oh, there's Jessica and Hayley by the swing.
14:06And there's Jessica pushing Hayley on the swing.
14:10And there's Hayley pushing Jessica on the swing.
14:13Oh, and there's the swing. Hayley took that one.
14:18I don't mind being tickled.
14:20No, no, nor do I.
14:22It's like halfway between pleasure and panic, isn't it?
14:25Yeah.
14:27It's really sexy.
14:31Have you ever had an orgasm without being touched?
14:37So, how does that work?
14:40No, I need to be touched.
14:42Not always for very long.
14:47Do you want to go inside and, you know...
14:51Yeah, OK.
14:52No, sure, I understand. You've got your own sense of right.
14:56I said yes.
15:00All right.
15:10HE COUGHS
15:17Oh, look, I forgot about these ones.
15:21There's Jessica and Hayley on the slide.
15:31Nice place.
15:32Oh, you know, it keeps the rain off.
15:34Have a seat.
15:35Thanks.
15:39What work do you do?
15:41You know the wings on aeroplanes?
15:43Yeah.
15:44I make them.
15:49So, what's going to be big in aeroplane design, then?
15:52Oh, everything's going to be fatter and more pointy.
15:58Uh-huh.
16:04You're a lovely lady, Carol.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:13Gary, are you going out with anyone?
16:18Is it serious?
16:19Oh, God, no. No, no, no.
16:22Why are you going out together, then?
16:24I don't want to talk about her.
16:27I want to talk about you.
16:32Your lips.
16:33Your lips...
16:35..are like...
16:37..liver.
16:56I think we should go to bed.
16:59Right, yes. Bed.
17:01Bed it is, then.
17:03Let's do the old bed thing.
17:07Bed, bed, bed.
17:09Bed, bed, bed, bed. Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed.
17:12Hang on a minute, why are you doing this? It's a joke, isn't it?
17:15No.
17:16So, what's in it for you?
17:19Women like sex too, you know, Gary.
17:24Oh, do you?
17:25Oh, do you?
17:32Are you going to phone Gary, then?
17:34Don't know.
17:35Oh, we've entered the lager zone.
17:37He might be willing to tell me over and over how much he loves me.
17:40Oh, at least he tells you.
17:42I've had boyfriends that have needed nine pints
17:44to announce that they think they might be edging towards liking me.
17:47Gary once phoned me from a pub
17:49and told me he loved me 32 times.
17:52I counted. Aw!
17:54He spoiled it slightly by turning up an hour later
17:57with the woman he'd picked up from the chip shop.
18:00He's very loyal, though.
18:02He is. He's lovely.
18:04But part of the problem is he doesn't know how to talk to women.
18:07He's got two chat-up lines.
18:09Hi, my name's Gary, can I stand here?
18:12And, hello, you smell brilliant.
18:16I overheard one of Tony's words, it was,
18:19I always think having a steady boyfriend is like owning your own flat.
18:22You spend ages making it look nice
18:24and then you realise you want to move.
18:26Yeah.
18:27Sometimes, I don't know, I look over at Gary in bed
18:30and, oh, he looks so sleepy and gentle
18:34and his tongue's lolling and I think,
18:36I could have done a lot worse.
18:39And then I think,
18:41how, exactly,
18:44could I have done a lot worse?
18:46Then, Debra says to me,
18:48no, you don't love me, you just want to sleep with me.
18:51And I said, that's nonsense.
18:53So she says, no, it's not nonsense.
18:55So I said, OK, you're right.
18:58Sex always gets in the way.
19:01So let's get it out of the way.
19:04We're having it.
19:05Then it's been had.
19:07It's done, it's over, we've forgotten and it's out of the way.
19:10That was the end of it.
19:12It's done, it's over, we've forgotten and it's out of the way.
19:16That was in 1992.
19:20And in the autumn of that year, right,
19:23I had quite long hair, by the way, in those days.
19:26People used to stop me in the street, ask if they could touch it.
19:30And I tried to snog her during an episode of Emmerdale Farm,
19:34which is what it was still called in them days.
19:38Oh.
19:39Does it off?
19:47Oh.
20:09Hello.
20:11Your friend was a bit tired, so I popped her back into your garden.
20:17That's all right.
20:20Had a nice chat.
20:25I'm jealous, Gary.
20:28I want to be with someone.
20:31Like you.
20:35In a bed.
20:37I'll tell Dorothy.
20:44Hello.
20:46Oh, hello, Dorothy.
20:49Yeah, very quiet.
20:51We had a barbecue and there was just the two of us at it
20:54and nothing happened and now we're all inside
20:56and nothing's still happening, very much so.
20:59Tony, can I have a word with Gary, please?
21:02Yeah, I'll just get him.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:11Why do you want to talk to Gary? I know what he'd say. I can say it.
21:15Well, I've just realised we've been going out for exactly seven years.
21:19I was just feeling a bit sentimental.
21:21Right.
21:25I'll tell him, then. Bye.
21:31Everything all right?
21:33Yeah.
21:35Except it sounds like Gary's either passed out...
21:39..or he's with a woman.
21:43So, that was rather jolly, then.
21:47Mm.
21:49I very much enjoyed it.
21:51Me too.
21:54Thank you very much.
22:00I've got this peculiar feeling.
22:03I can't explain it.
22:05Guilt?
22:07Remind me what that feels like again?
22:10Well, I think you underestimated how strong your relationship with your girlfriend is.
22:14Oh, no, no, no. Extraordinarily shaky. Flimsy.
22:18When we were making love, you said things like,
22:21Dorothy lifts her legs up for that bit.
22:24And Dorothy and I tend to say that till the end.
22:27Yeah, well, still...
22:29And you might want to make a kind of mewing noise now.
22:35Dorothy usually does.
22:37Was that a problem?
22:39Well, it did make me feel like a bit of an impressionist.
22:43Oh, sorry.
22:46Thanks for having a stab at the mewing, anyway.
22:51You're welcome.
22:54I think it's more of a squeak, actually.
22:57No, no, it's a mew.
22:59No, it's a squeak.
23:01Or maybe it's a mew.
23:03I ought to record it, really, then I could have played it.
23:06Gary, you're making it worse.
23:08Worse? OK, I'll stop.
23:11So, you don't do this very often?
23:14It's not for the want of offers, I can tell you.
23:18If I had a quid for every time I've been propositioned...
23:21How much?
23:23Two quid.
23:25Does that include me?
23:27Does that include you? Yes, I think so.
23:29What happened the other time?
23:31Oh, she had to go downstairs and collect more fares or something.
23:38So...
23:40Don't go.
23:42I have to.
23:44Ah, you're right. Go now and leave it as something perfect.
23:48No, I have to go cos we're off to Madame Tussauds.
23:52Ah, well, that's a good reason, too.
24:01So, have you got everything?
24:03Earrings, underwear.
24:06Slight sense of awkwardness.
24:08Yeah.
24:10Oh.
24:17Thank you. Well done.
24:22Bye. Bye.
24:33I did it! I did it! I did it!
24:36I did it! I did it! I did it!
24:42So, that's that, then.
24:44Ships that pass in the night.
24:46Hmm.
24:48Yeah, but you didn't just pass in the night, did you?
24:51You were more like ships that got under the duvet
24:54and gave each other a good see-in to in the night.
24:59Did you see what I was saying about ships?
25:01Yeah. Yeah.
25:03She had this little mole.
25:06You've got to pull yourself together, mate.
25:09You've committed adultery.
25:13It happens.
25:17Yeah, well, I suppose you had a bit of catching up to do, didn't you?
25:20Yeah, yeah, I did.
25:22I mean, you've only been to bed with three women, and that's very, very few.
25:25Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Tony.
25:27Yeah, and since you've been together, Dorothy's been out with, oh, loads of blokes.
25:30Yeah, yeah. Yeah, shut up.
25:32You see, I'm not a moral philosopher, as you know.
25:36No. No. No.
25:38Never have been, never likely to be. Not full-time, anyway.
25:41Full-time, no. No.
25:43But I reckon it's all right to cheat on your loved one
25:47if that person...
25:50..is on a sailing weekend.
25:54No, no, if the other person doesn't find out.
26:00I'm not exactly proud about what I've done,
26:02so keep it under your hat, eh?
26:18Yeah!
26:26Welcome home!
26:28Thanks. I've finished the sauna.
26:31And our girls.
26:38You should have come with us.
26:39Oh, you know, things to do.
26:41Yeah, I had to clear the shed out and everything.
26:44Are you ready for your sauna?
26:46I've put some pictures of Abba up inside.
26:49I'll go and get ready.
26:51Yeah, me too.
26:57So, how was your weekend?
27:01Mad.
27:03What did you get up to?
27:05You know, lads will be lads.
27:09Gary, you seem to want to tell me something.
27:12I, um... I phoned last night.
27:15You weren't around.
27:17Well, I had a cancer way.
27:19Stop it, Gary.
27:20OK.
27:24So, what happened last night?
27:29I passed out and Tony slept with a girl from next door.
27:34Right.
27:36Well...
27:37I thought maybe you...
27:40What, me? Oh, God, no.
27:44Great.
27:46OK. Right, well...
27:48I'm going to go upstairs now.
27:50If you'd like to join me, that'd be... be nice.
27:53Right, I'll be up.
28:02Gary!
28:03Coming.
28:05Gary?
28:06Coming up.
28:11Yes.
28:17Are saunas allowed to have windows?
28:19Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
28:20We had a bit of a fire yesterday,
28:22so, for safety, I'm using gas.
28:34I'll fetch the broom.
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