First broadcast 5th August 1994.
Gary takes Dorothy for a meal and, after a few drinks, proposes marriage to her - which she accepts.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Gary takes Dorothy for a meal and, after a few drinks, proposes marriage to her - which she accepts.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Item 15, the house dustbin. Now, it's been stolen again, so as part of our neighbourhood
00:51watch scheme, I shall be wiring up the handles of the new one to an enormous electrical charge.
00:55Any objections? It'll electrocute the dustman.
00:57Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking wind.
01:01Why don't we just hide the bin? Good, Tony.
01:04Because the dustman won't be able to find it. Yeah, stupid Tony.
01:08Why don't we leave a note saying the bin's in this shed with a blanket over it?
01:11Now, that is a good idea. Because someone will read the note,
01:16find the bin and steal it. Yes, very poor Tony,
01:19hadn't really thought that one through. Tony, will you stop going through my rubbish?
01:24I haven't. Yes you have, I saw you.
01:27What's that old blouse you're wearing? It's a shirt.
01:38I like it, it's got your smell on it. It's not mine.
01:42I saw the old Greek woman next door putting it into our dustbin.
01:47Can I just apologise for that gross invasion of your privacy, Debra?
01:50You were with him. You went off with a ball of my hair.
01:53A harmless souvenir, I don't know what your problem is.
01:56Listen, I just wanted to find out what makes you tick.
01:59I mean, I can't believe you prefer Ray to me. Oh, don't start that again.
02:02He's got a face like an arse. That is true.
02:05A horrible arse, not even a nice arse.
02:08Ray and I have stimulating conversations.
02:11Conversations. I do conversations, try me.
02:15Girl vicars, global heating. Warming.
02:17Whatever, fans, come on, come on, ask me a subject.
02:20If you were a tenth as interesting as Ray, I would have gone out with you months ago.
02:25Well, I've got to go meet Dorothy down the Pasta Pig for a candle-lit dinner.
02:29Why she couldn't find a restaurant with proper lighting, I don't know.
02:33Come on, ask me a question, anything you like.
02:34What about V80 on fuel, eh? Shocking, eh?
02:38Now, what about the old Channel Tunnel, then?
02:40That's just one great big hole in the ground, innit, what do you reckon?
02:45Sod you, then.
02:50You know what I like about you?
02:53Er, my car?
02:56No.
02:58The fact that I let you sleep with me?
03:02Yes.
03:07Listen, I think we should go home before this candle ignites your breath
03:11and we all die a horrible death.
03:15Oh, seriously, I think you're lovely.
03:19I mean...
03:21Dorothy.
03:22I know, I know, it was a dramatic pause.
03:28Just think what we've been through together in...
03:32In...
03:33In galoshes?
03:35No, in...
03:36Inspector Moore's?
03:39In four years.
03:43Oh, do you know what I like about you?
03:45Yeah, yeah, you've done that one.
03:50Oh, oh, look at that couple.
03:55Is that romantic?
03:57Oh, I think it's time.
04:01I shouldn't think so.
04:02They've had their hands inside each other's trousers since the melon balls.
04:07Oh, that's lovely.
04:11What's your opinion of marriage, hmm?
04:14Are you in favour or do you consider it to be an institution?
04:18As I've said, it's welcome in contemporaries and it's lively.
04:22Why?
04:23Are you going to propose to me?
04:28Oh, why not?
04:32All right.
04:33If you're going to do it, do it properly.
04:35On your knees.
04:36Will you marry me, Dorothy?
04:39Yes, Gary, I will.
04:41Now, do you want the cheesecake or the lemon cillabar?
04:53Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
04:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
04:57I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
04:59I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:01I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:03I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:05I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:09Morning.
05:11How was pasta, Peg?
05:13Fantastic.
05:15Dorothy opted for the linguine with squid cooked in its own ink
05:17and I plumped for a proposal of marriage.
05:19You asked Dorothy to marry you?
05:21Why?
05:23Because I'd drunk a litre and a half of Chianti
05:25and at that particular moment I was very much in love with Dorothy.
05:27Oh.
05:29That's nice.
05:31No, at that particular moment I was very much in love with the waiter,
05:33my country and my cutlery.
05:35I'd have married Yasser Arafat if he'd been single.
05:39You could do worse than Dorothy, you know.
05:41I don't want to get married, I've got my whole life ahead of me.
05:43Apart from the bit I've already had, obviously.
05:45Hey, if you get married,
05:47I'll be your best man.
05:49In me speech I can do that story about when you fell asleep on the train
05:51and those kids stapled your hair to the curtains.
05:53That wasn't funny,
05:55I lost half a pound of hair.
05:57All right,
05:59my problems are just as bad as yours, you know.
06:01Oh, really?
06:03I didn't realise your girlfriend was asleep in your bed
06:05wondering whether to wander down the aisle to the wedding march
06:07or funky weekend by the stylistics.
06:09Listen, the woman I love
06:11has just told me I'm a tenth as interesting
06:13as the estate agent she's going out with.
06:15Yeah, that is bad, I'm sorry, mate.
06:17Yeah.
06:19Why does she prefer Ray to me?
06:21Perhaps he's got a huge knob.
06:25What is it they talk about that's so interesting?
06:27Find out.
06:29We'll be testing out some listening devices at work.
06:31I'll bring one home.
06:33Brilliant.
06:35Hang on a minute here.
06:37We'll be listening to everything that goes on
06:39inside a young woman's flat.
06:41Let's just think about the moral issues here.
06:43I've got no trouble with that.
06:45No, me neither.
06:49If you get married, we can have a great stag night.
06:51That's all a bit seedy, all that, isn't it?
06:53Yeah, brilliant.
06:55Yeah, brilliant.
06:57We've got this brilliant man to a mate of mine.
06:59We got him completely legless,
07:01then chained him to the roof rack of his car
07:03and took him through six car washes.
07:05He came up really nicely, actually.
07:07Yeah.
07:09Someone I knew stripped him naked,
07:11axle grease all over,
07:13shaved a strip of hair off down the centre of his head
07:15and dumped him on the odd shoulder of the M25.
07:17Wow, he must have been an estate for the wedding.
07:19No, he wasn't getting married,
07:21we just didn't like him.
07:24The first wedding I ever went to
07:26was my cousin Benji.
07:28He married this Great Dane.
07:32Is that allowed?
07:34No, no, not a Great Dane.
07:36A Great Dane, a blonde bird from Daneland.
07:38Oh.
07:40In the service, come the bit where she had to say,
07:42I do, she started singing
07:44the 1974 Denmark entry
07:46for the Eurovision Song Contest.
07:48I think the pressure of the thing got to her a bit.
07:50Um, clank-a-bonk, slurr-da-stuff.
07:55The trouble with marrying a bird is, you see,
07:57that you're not going to get conversations
07:59of this sheer quality, are you?
08:01What am I going to do?
08:03Well, just tell her it was a drink-talk
08:05and it must have happened before.
08:07No, it hasn't, actually.
08:09What about last week when you said you were going to kill your parents
08:11and buy her a Toyota Land Cruiser with your inheritance?
08:13All right, all right, just say that she misheard you.
08:15Instead of, will you marry me,
08:17say that you said, will you merry me?
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23Will you merry me?
08:25Yeah, like, will you make me merry?
08:30Thank you, Tony. No problem.
08:34Um, Dorothy,
08:36about last night,
08:38I said some things.
08:40Mmm.
08:43Actually, I've had a hell of a lot to drink.
08:46I can still picture you down on your knees
08:48asking me to marry you.
08:50Did I do that?
08:52I think it was a bit of a mistake
08:54to stay there for the rest of the meal,
08:56but that's probably just me being conventional.
08:58Uneaselocked.
09:01Obviously, most of the things I said
09:03were wise and fascinating, as always,
09:05but, um, some of them
09:07were probably, in the light of day,
09:10if we're honest, foolish.
09:12Which was it when you asked the taxi driver
09:14if he fancied a cuddle?
09:18That was foolish.
09:21I mean, me asking you to marry me.
09:26Yeah, obviously, he wouldn't say that unless he meant it.
09:32It's a big step, isn't it?
09:35You've been bottling it up, haven't you?
09:40We should have...
09:42A full church wedding with an organ.
09:44So do I.
09:46Cooling off period, while we think of that.
09:48No.
09:50Let's do it straight away.
09:52You've made me very happy.
10:07You know, I think marriage is tremendous.
10:10I hate to be cynical, George,
10:12but you think Croydon is tremendous.
10:16No, it's all that sharing.
10:18I hate sharing. It's what people do
10:20when they can't afford one each or something.
10:22You know what I think you need for a successful marriage?
10:25Oh, I don't know. Big nipples?
10:28No.
10:29Two desperate people with nothing else to look forward to?
10:32No, plenty of things in common.
10:34What have you and Marjorie got in common?
10:36Don't tell me you're both members of the North Surrey Association
10:39for the almost completely barmy.
10:41I'm not getting married, George. It's just a horrid, horrid mistake.
10:45Anthea, would you come in, please?
10:47Oh, and, Anthea, can you bring your aqualung and a large pair of pliers?
10:53Only joke, in love. It's a feeble attempt to cheer myself up.
10:56Why? What's the matter?
10:58Why have you never been married, Anthea?
11:00Well...
11:02I was asked once, but...
11:05Don't talk about it if you don't want to.
11:07Um...
11:09No, I'm fine.
11:11What happened then?
11:13I said yes, but then he just started being beastly
11:17and I realised it wasn't going to work out.
11:20What did he do?
11:22Well, he kept...
11:25pulling my hair.
11:27Pulling your hair?
11:29Yes.
11:31It was all over by the time we went to big school.
11:37Oh, for...
11:40Right.
11:42These are listening devices.
11:44I want you both to take one home and try it out around the house.
11:47Why? Because we sell security equipment, George.
11:50I'm sorry if that wasn't pointed out to you when you joined the company 23 years ago.
11:54It says in the instructions they can be installed and operated by an infant,
11:57so I instantly thought of you two.
11:59What is it that you don't like about marriage?
12:02Marriage as such is just settling down.
12:05Such a grown-up thing to do, isn't it?
12:07But you are a grown-up.
12:17Hey, Tom, let's play.
12:19It's a bit juvenile, isn't it?
12:21No, no, no. Single fellas, larking around, having fun, you know.
12:30Have you told Dorothy you don't want to marry her yet?
12:32Oh, I can't, mate. It'll break her heart.
12:35You're not just going to drift into this, are you?
12:37Cos you've got to think to yourself,
12:39will I be happy with this person until we're, like, divorced?
12:43I'll tell her.
12:45Thanks for being her mate, though, anyway.
12:47I just don't want her to have to look for anywhere else to live, you know.
12:52I don't think Dorothy's having you on, do you?
12:54Tony, I think I know Dorothy well enough to know when she's being sincere or not.
12:57I just have to put her off me.
12:59It's like chucking a bird, isn't it?
13:01I wonder if there's anything I can do to make myself less attractive
13:04and make it look like it's their decision.
13:08I wonder if there's anything I can do to make myself less attractive.
13:14Don't think so, mate.
13:25Debra. Hey, did you bring that book thing?
13:27Yeah, it's here, look.
13:29It's in Debra's flat, and then this bit picks it all up.
13:32Ah. How am I going to get it into her flat, though?
13:35I mean, she's not stupid, is she?
13:37I'll have to think of something really ingenious.
13:41Hello. I bought you a plant.
13:45Why?
13:47To apologise.
13:49For what? Oh, I don't know.
13:51I've normally done something that I've got to apologise for, haven't I?
13:54It's a special variety.
13:57It looks like it's about to die, but they're all like that.
13:59Actually, it's very expensive.
14:01It's a dead daffodil.
14:03I just saw you digging it up from our garden.
14:07I'll get a saw. No, no, it's all right. I've got one.
14:10Now...
14:12I see, yes. If I put it here,
14:14you'll be able to see it and it'll remind you of me.
14:17How many more times do I have to tell you, Tony?
14:20I'm going out with Ray.
14:22One. One, two. Oh, yeah.
14:25How is Mr Fascinating and his amazing prize-winning conversations?
14:29Oh, stop acting like a child.
14:32Look, all I'm trying to say is...
14:36What?
14:38He's got a face like an arse.
14:41Tony, I don't claim he's perfect.
14:44I don't even agree with most of the things he says.
14:47All right, he's an estate agent, a bit superficial, but...
14:52But what?
14:54He's still more interesting than you.
14:59Right, home tests.
15:01Listening device number one.
15:03Ease of use out of ten, George?
15:05Twelve.
15:07Out of ten, George?
15:09Eight. Thank you.
15:11Location? The living room.
15:13I positioned the device at approximately 1,900 hours
15:16and made my getaway on foot through our kitchen facility.
15:20Thank you, George.
15:23That's Marjorie.
15:25That's what first attracted me.
15:27Her infectious laughter.
15:29Love is blind, isn't it?
15:31She had some friends round from the Coral Society.
15:34You may remember Marjorie invited you
15:36to their workshop production of Starlight Express.
15:39But you were unexpectedly held hostage
15:42by your next-door neighbour at the last minute.
15:45Ah, yes, yes, I remember that.
15:47Tell me, George, when you married Marjorie,
15:49did you stop wanting to go to bed with other women?
15:51No, not entirely.
15:53I am only human.
15:55Yes, I suppose you are.
15:58Marjorie and I made an agreement.
16:01If either of us had an unfaithful thought,
16:04we'd put ten pence in a box.
16:06Bloody hell, you've been married for 400 years.
16:08That must have cost a bit.
16:10Fifty pence.
16:12I stayed quite well until 1982.
16:14Then I came over all funny in the post office.
16:17And before I knew where I was, I'd blown 30p.
16:22What about Marjorie?
16:24£2,386.
16:27Oh!
16:29I suppose I should say something to her,
16:32but it has paid for five caravanning holidays.
16:38Oh, their rehearsing hair.
16:42Their next production.
16:44Perhaps you'd like to come and see it?
16:46Oh, I would, yeah, but I'm busy that night.
16:48I've got an evening class, yoga for middle managers.
16:51George, the object of this exercise
16:53was to see whether the product would record a normal conversation
16:56and not a bunch of mad middle-aged boilers
16:58banging on about letting the sun shine in.
17:03Anthony, will you bring your cassette in, please?
17:07What was that?
17:09Marjorie got overexcited and started to take her clothes off.
17:12It's happened before, but Marjorie was ready with a blanket.
17:18Thank you, Anthea.
17:20Home tests, listening device number two.
17:23Ease of use out of ten, Anthea?
17:25Oh, yes.
17:27Oh, God.
17:31I can't hear anything. Where did you put it?
17:33I left it on the sideboard so it wouldn't get lost.
17:37Anthea, this is supposed to be a covert surveillance device.
17:41It's not very covert if it's on the sideboard, is it?
17:45Well, I didn't think it mattered.
17:47I was on my own, reading.
17:50You see, my sister's away for the week
17:53at a moped rally in Norfolk.
17:57So you recorded the sound of yourself sitting alone and reading?
18:02That was me coughing.
18:08I'm going to get a gun.
18:12I think I cough again in about 20 minutes.
18:23I live here. I live here with you and Claire.
18:27If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for some judge.
18:30And if it ain't good enough for you, well, you just let me know.
18:43Deb's just been watching EastEnders.
18:45Grant's just had this big barney with Sharon and Michelle's acting really badly.
18:49Hey, do you know, you can hear it really clearly.
18:51During Newsroom Southeast, Deb did this little burp.
18:56Hey, Tony, do you like the way I look?
19:00Well, it's very nice, yeah.
19:02I mean, you're not my cup of tea, are you?
19:04No, it's for Dorothy, to put her off the idea of marrying me.
19:07Oh, yeah, good clothes.
19:09Oh, but terrible smell.
19:11How do you mean, what smell?
19:13Oh, Deb's phone, come on.
19:15Oh, hi, Mum. Yeah, fine.
19:18How's your head?
19:20She's asking her mum how her head is.
19:23Well, you want to go to that doctor that you went to before when you had the dizzy spells.
19:26Oh, she's got to go to that doctor she had before when she had the dizzy spells.
19:30You can just give me the highlights if you like, Tony.
19:33Yeah, everything's all right.
19:35Ray's coming round later.
19:37Yeah, I'm sure it'll be lovely.
19:40Ray's coming round later.
19:42Worst luck, she says.
19:47How do I look?
19:48Disgusting.
19:49Thanks, mate.
19:51Disgusting.
19:52Thanks, mate.
20:09So, how are you, my darling fiancé?
20:14Well, you know me, thick as pig shit.
20:17I must say, it's a pretty brave woman who wants to marry me.
20:20I am that brave woman.
20:23The flies are undone.
20:25Well, let's face it, if it's got a pulse, I'll pump it.
20:35Oh, I love your witty banter.
20:40How was the hospital?
20:42Oh, you know, usual. Several people came...
20:44Whoever told you I'm violently opposed to the national health system?
20:47It's pathetic.
20:48Doctors and nurses...
20:50Sorry if that puts you off wanting to marry me, but there you go.
20:53No, no, I find your plain speaking rather refreshing and challenging.
20:59Oh.
21:02Hello.
21:03Hi, babe.
21:05Mmm. Oh, yeah. Mmm. Mmm.
21:08Oh, yeah, eat me.
21:11How was work?
21:12Yeah, pretty good.
21:13We're taking price hikes pretty much across the whole residential shooting match.
21:17The commercial sector still needs some freeing up,
21:19but the helicopter view is pretty fabby.
21:21You what?
21:24Hey, sugar, my love.
21:26What's that wanky little plant doing on the telly?
21:30Tony brought it up. He wanted to apologise for something.
21:33Hey, come on, you're going out with me now?
21:35I'm going to dump this in the bin.
21:36Oh, that's unfair. Tony's all right.
21:39I'm sorry, I can't agree with you.
21:41I think he is a complete...
21:47KNOCK AT DOOR
21:53Oh, hi, Tony. Hi.
21:55What can I do for you?
21:56I was just wondering how my plant was.
21:59No plants here, mate.
22:01Oh, you want to try a garden centre?
22:03It was looking awfully dead. I'm afraid we threw it in the bin.
22:06Excuse me, that was a present!
22:09Oh, right, yeah, I could tell it was from you.
22:11It was scrawny, served no obvious purpose and neither of us liked it.
22:14Can I have an A, please? Thank you.
22:16Why?
22:17I want to do some cuttings.
22:19How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?
22:22You just make incisions in the green, sticky, uppy bit,
22:25then you put it in the airing cupboard,
22:27a couple of days later, presto, tulips.
22:30Right.
22:33Git. Sod. Creep. Bastard.
22:35Prick. Prat. Wanker.
22:37You look really nice, Deb.
22:39Yeah, doesn't she?
22:41How are your mum's headaches these days?
22:43How do you know about my mother's headaches?
22:45Oh, um, they're doing the rounds, yeah.
22:49My mum's actually thinking of getting one.
22:55Shelves.
22:58Saucer.
23:01Excuse me.
23:07The way I see it, the only good marriage
23:09is one where the bloke goes down to the pub with his mates every night
23:12and gets pissed,
23:14and they talk about who they'd like to shag,
23:17and they slag off their bird,
23:19and they come home and they slap her around
23:21if the tea isn't on the table.
23:23Even if it is on the table.
23:27Oh, well, I know you lads have to enjoy yourselves.
23:31I just think it's good to get these things out in the open
23:33before we commit ourselves.
23:35Have I ever told you my rather controversial views
23:37on how society should cope with the menace of little stray dogs?
23:40No, I don't think you have.
23:42Right, well, I reckon, and this might sound harsh to you,
23:45I reckon they should be rounded up and roasted.
23:48Alive, if need be.
23:50And fed to the homeless, who are a bunch of tossers anyway.
23:57No, actually, that's quite sensible.
23:59For God's sake, Dorothy, I'm talking about roasting pets.
24:02Have you no compassion?
24:04Well, you're the boss.
24:11Yeah, at the weekend, I thought we could go for a drive in the Mazda.
24:14Yeah.
24:16Yeah, the thing about the MX3 is you can ask a lot of her
24:19and she'll give you 110%.
24:21Oh. Yeah.
24:23I'll probably shammy her down before I come on over.
24:26You might want to pop along and watch.
24:29And the Mazda benefits from a surprisingly advantageous MPG, actually.
24:33Couldn't we go and see a film or something?
24:36Yeah, could do. Well, parking won't be a problem.
24:39I can squeeze the old Maz into a space the size of a...
24:42Yeah, well, you know, a very small space.
24:44It's not going well in there, mate.
24:46He's not even interesting. I'm more interesting than him on my uninteresting days.
24:50Course you are. I'm going to have to go and have a word with him.
24:53I'm going to give it one more go and then I'll have to tell her.
25:06I presume Tony hasn't got a car?
25:08No, he used to have this old van for a while.
25:11Oh, yeah, that sounds like a fitting epitaph.
25:13Tony, he used to have this old van for a while.
25:15That's not fair.
25:17And have you noticed how he's always got his mouth open?
25:22Quite apart from the fact that he's got a face like an arse.
25:25Right! That's it!
25:28Shut up, Ray.
25:30What? I'm sorry.
25:32I don't want to go out with you any more.
25:34Why?
25:36He may be a bit of a jerk, but he's considerate and gentle.
25:41You're just boring.
25:45How do you mean, boring?
26:07Hi.
26:14You, Mazda.
26:20Right, these are my conditions if we get married.
26:23Total obedience at all times.
26:25I'm allowed to sleep around when I feel like it,
26:28including with members of your family.
26:31Tony, to live with us forever.
26:35And you have to agree to any sexual act I deem fit,
26:39even if it involves enormous vegetables.
26:44Got that, minge bag?
26:50No, that all seems pretty standard.
26:53I don't want to get married. I was drunk.
26:56It was a terrible mistake.
26:58Please forgive me.
27:00Gary, I have really enjoyed
27:03seeing you suffer for the past 48 hours.
27:07But why would I want to marry a man
27:09who, although sometimes innocently entertaining,
27:12never grew up, only ever thinks for himself,
27:15takes no interest in the world
27:17and whose idea of an elegant lifestyle
27:19is buying the most expensive lager in the off-licence?
27:24Hang on, I'm a bit of a catch.
27:27Tony, why have you just demolished my door?
27:31I just wanted to show you that
27:33even wood won't keep our love apart.
27:37Maybe not.
27:39Perhaps this will.
27:43Oh!
27:50No, I'd be a good husband.
27:52I mean, I'm tall, I'm handsome,
27:54I'd be a good husband.
27:55I mean, I'm tall, I'm humorous,
27:57I've got a steady job.
27:59After years of searching, I've tracked down your G-spot.
28:03I mean, I could take our kids to the zoo
28:06to see the goats and so on.
28:08Yeah.
28:10Yeah, you're right.
28:13Yes.
28:14Yes, I will marry you.
28:24I mean, I'm getting married.
28:26I don't think I am.
28:54¶¶¶