First broadcast 1st July 1994.
Gary feels inadequate when he learns that not only Tony - but even George - has had more sex partners than he has but in the pub quiz he tells Dorothy he has had fifty.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Dave Atkins ... Les
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Gary feels inadequate when he learns that not only Tony - but even George - has had more sex partners than he has but in the pub quiz he tells Dorothy he has had fifty.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Dave Atkins ... Les
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30MUSIC CONTINUES
00:50What do you reckon on Troialism, then?
00:52What, the little puppet chap?
00:54No, that's Troy Tempest.
00:56The three-in-a-bed sex, you know, threesomes.
00:58Oh, yeah, yeah, it's good, that.
01:00I once turned down an eightsome,
01:02which is like a threesome plus a fivesome.
01:04Found a load of birds, pulled up at the lights,
01:06one of them stuck her head out the window,
01:08and she says, why don't you jump in and give us all a baby?
01:11A bit forward, wasn't it?
01:13Yeah, it was. They were nuns, actually.
01:16I think they'd have crafted too many at the Happy Eater.
01:19Have you ever tried that role-playing in bed, you know?
01:22Yeah, yeah. I once asked Dorothy to dress up, pretend she was a nurse.
01:26She is a nurse. Yeah, didn't really look like it.
01:29Then she asked me to dress up as a farmer and come and rescue her.
01:33Are you sure she didn't say fireman?
01:35Yeah, she did, as a matter of fact.
01:37Bit embarrassing. I've still got the smock, actually.
01:40Shall we sit down? Why not?
01:42How's your job, Hunk Day?
01:44Oh, well, I don't want to rush into anything, you know.
01:46Yeah, well, it wouldn't hurt to pay a bit of rent, mate.
01:48Am I a bit behind? Well, I'll settle up now, mate.
01:50What's the damage?
01:52657 quid.
01:56Yeah, you know, actually,
01:58I wouldn't mind spending a bit more time round the flat, you know,
02:00cos Des has been put on part-time working,
02:02and she's, like, upstairs all day and I'm, like, downstairs.
02:06It's like that programme. Sad Horny Neighbour.
02:10No, upstairs, downstairs.
02:12Anyway, she's just finished with Denzel, you see,
02:14so I reckon if I make the move now, I'll be in there.
02:16Let's face it, Tony, the only way you'll be in there
02:18is if you're both marooned on a desert island
02:20and she is a poisonous berry or a nut
02:22which makes a tepidly deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful
02:25and desperate for sex.
02:2750-50 chance, I reckon.
02:34No, I'm going to make it a reading area, then.
02:37I'm going upmarket.
02:39Why, Les?
02:40Well, the brewery says I was attracting
02:42too many old men with dribble wagon out of their mouths.
02:47I've got the magazines out of a bin.
02:49Yeah, Les, there's an old fried egg stuck in this one.
02:54Oh, yeah.
02:57Oh, Les, that...
03:05Oh, look, look, it says in this survey
03:07that 12% of all men have paid for sex.
03:09Yeah, I have.
03:11Did you tell Dorothy?
03:12It was Dorothy.
03:16Role-playing, yeah?
03:17No, no, no. She just knew that I was desperate.
03:23How many birds have you been to bed with, then?
03:25Oh, difficult to say, really.
03:27I mean, I think it's important to get experience, don't you,
03:29so you don't feel like you've missed out.
03:31Yeah, yeah.
03:32How many have you had, then?
03:38No, seriously, how many have you had?
03:40I don't know about you, but I stopped counting about 50, you know.
03:4350?!
03:48Kid stuff.
03:50I'm just a bit of a feminist, you see.
03:52I worship women, each and every one of them.
03:54Yeah, not for very long, obviously.
03:56There's two billion of them out there, mate.
03:58It's a race against time.
03:59Yeah.
04:06Dorothy?
04:08Hmm?
04:10You know sex?
04:12Erm...
04:14Is that the one where two people bounce up and down together
04:17with everything flapping about a bit?
04:20That's it.
04:21Ah.
04:22You know how some people have had lots of partners
04:25and other people have had possibly not quite so many?
04:28Mmm.
04:29I love it when you tease me to breaking point with your probing questions.
04:34How many have you had?
04:37You should never ask a woman that question, Gary.
04:39Why not?
04:41Well, if she's had a lot, then she's a slut,
04:44and if she hasn't had very many, then she's a frigid old witch.
04:48Which one are you?
04:53Well, I suppose if I had to put myself in a pigeonhole,
04:56I'd say I was in the woman with disappointing boyfriend category.
05:04What's brought this on?
05:06Nothing.
05:18What would you say was average, though, for a girl?
05:21Erm, 234.
05:23Don't be disgusting.
05:26Well, I don't know.
05:28I suppose it's reasonable for people of our age
05:30to have had up to, well, let's say, a dozen partners.
05:33Twelve?!
05:35For a girl?!
05:37Twelve men have...
05:38Yes, all right!
05:40I'm sorry if you think you're sleeping with a slut.
05:42Oh, no, I'm a bit of a slut myself.
05:44No shortage of frantic humping in my life, I can tell you.
05:47If you took all my ex-lovers and laid them end to end,
05:50they'd probably reach the corner of Manor Road.
05:52No, further, they'd probably go to that tricky little roundabout
05:55by the Texaco garage.
05:56I'd broadcast my seed pretty thickly, I can tell you.
05:59Yes, well, thank you for that traffic and farming update.
06:03Sometimes I've fallen out of one bed and jumped straight into the next one
06:06without so much as stopping to re-time my pyjama cord.
06:09Look, do you want me to get in a taxi and go home?
06:11Or are you suffering from some genuine mental illness?
06:15Sorry.
06:18What's the matter?
06:20I'm sorry.
06:22Look, you know if you've got a problem you want to share with me,
06:25you've only got to say, you know that, don't you?
06:27Well, and you'll understand.
06:28Yeah, of course I will.
06:32D is for dopey.
06:35And donkey.
06:37And dry-cleaning.
06:40And, hey, you do one.
06:44What's this?
06:45Shop.
06:47Delicatessen.
06:53Oh!
06:55Oh!
06:57Oh!
06:58Oh!
07:00Oh!
07:01Oh!
07:12Oh, hi, Tony.
07:13Oh, hi, Debs.
07:19Boo!
07:22Listen, I'm sorry to hear about you and Denzel splitting up.
07:25Oh, it hadn't been going well for a while, you know.
07:28It was just a question of who said it first.
07:30Oh.
07:31So who...
07:32He did!
07:34Would you like to come in and talk about it?
07:35Perhaps I can help piece together your shattered self-respect.
07:38No.
07:39And make you feel less like some bloke's miserable plaything.
07:41Something to be used and then discarded.
07:44Like a toy a child gets at Christmas and quickly loses interest in.
07:48Oh, great, I feel better already.
07:51No problem.
07:54Coffee?
07:55Thanks, I've got my step-class in a few minutes.
07:57Can I come?
07:58Oh, all right.
07:59If you hurry.
08:00Yes!
08:05He used to be my father's, actually.
08:07He once took pictures of us on the beach in Newquay.
08:11They came back with the horizon on a sort of slope.
08:14So after that, we always called the place Wonky.
08:18Mm.
08:19Comical.
08:22The same thing happened the following year in Western Supermare.
08:26But we couldn't think of an amusing alternative.
08:28Western Slopingmare.
08:31That's very good.
08:34It's a pity you weren't on the holiday with us.
08:36Yes, that's one of those tragedies, isn't it?
08:40The year after that, we went to Cardigan.
08:43But we forgot to take the camera.
08:46Funnily enough, we also forgot to take our cardigans.
08:50George, please don't make me sit on your head until you can't speak any more.
08:55Are you all right? You seem very on edge.
08:58Can I ask you a personal question, George?
09:01I'd like to have you up against the wall, Gary.
09:08I've got to take a picture of you for the security pass.
09:15So the thing is, George,
09:16are you entirely happy with the number of sexual partners you've had?
09:19Oh, yes. Marjorie's the only woman I've ever needed.
09:22We're as much in love today as we were
09:24when we first met in that fire-damaged co-op.
09:29Lovely. I'm a little worried about getting your ears in.
09:36George, can I say it's nice to meet a man
09:38who isn't ashamed to admit that his sexual experience is a little bit limited?
09:42Oh, I wouldn't say limited.
09:43When I was a bachelor, I was like a rat up a drainpipe.
09:48Huge smile.
09:53Deborah, I hope that us doing some sport together will, you know,
09:57bring us closer, allow us to spend more time together.
10:00Oh, you never know, do you?
10:02I'd hate you to think it was just a tacky excuse for me
10:04to watch you bending over and sweating.
10:07Maybe if I don't stand behind you, I can watch and learn, eh?
10:22Thank you.
10:53Oh, excuse me, I have to go here.
10:55Why?
10:56Um, because I'm blind and I have to be near my friend
10:59in case I fall off my step.
11:01Thank you.
11:08Hi, everyone.
11:09Today we're going to have a change, so what I need you to do,
11:11I need you all to face me this way.
11:23Could we try one with me looking a little quizzical, you know?
11:27Lovely.
11:28Oh, no, perhaps something this way.
11:30You've probably noticed, this is my happy-go-lucky side.
11:35Anthe, this is for a security pass, not a cover of Italian Vogue.
11:38I'm sorry.
11:39It's just that it's not often I get the chance to be photographed.
11:43Ooh.
11:44I thought you said you had your picture in the local paper recently.
11:47Yes, I did, but it was one of those satellite pictures
11:50you know, you could see the whole of Dorking.
11:53And most of Guildford.
11:55Could I ask you a very personal question, Anthea?
11:58Yes.
12:02How many men have you been intimate with?
12:06Will this affect my Christmas bonus?
12:10Never mind, Anthea.
12:15You're letting this sex business get you down, aren't you?
12:17Well, it's my generation, isn't it?
12:18We're supposed to be at it night and day.
12:20A person my age should have got through enough condoms
12:22to rubberise Ipswich.
12:24Do you want to?
12:25It's not a question of wanting to,
12:27it's my duty as a single guy living in the swinging city.
12:30I should have 200 notches in me bedpost.
12:32It should look like a notchy thing.
12:34Tony's is incredibly notchy.
12:36And how many notches have you got in yours?
12:39Three.
12:42Yes, well, that's not very many, is it?
12:44Thanks a bunch, George.
12:46But does it matter?
12:47Of course it matters.
12:48Women don't respect a man who's only had three partners.
12:50Well, I think you should be proud.
12:52You've resisted trivial involvements.
12:54You've been faithful.
12:56Now, that's rather beautiful.
12:58No, I've just been turned down a lot.
13:03Still, think of the time you've saved.
13:06Saved for what?
13:07Well, that happens all the time, doesn't it?
13:09Oh, Gary, Linda Evangelista and Winona Ryder are here
13:11to make love to you.
13:12No, I'm sorry, I'm saving the time!
13:16Shall I make us a nice cup of tea?
13:22I love these sex sermons.
13:24Yeah.
13:25There's always something frightening,
13:27like one man in eight has had sex with a fence.
13:29It's not something you want to boast about, is it?
13:31Oh, Gary would.
13:32And the way he tells it, before he met me,
13:34he spent his whole life going from one pulsating supermodel
13:37to the next.
13:38He doesn't go into details, he just uses phrases like,
13:40well, I didn't have my trousers on much that week,
13:43as you can imagine.
13:44And then he makes his lip go all funny
13:46up on one side like that.
13:49How's it going with you and Tony?
13:51Oh, I'm just getting over Denzel, really.
13:53Just letting Tony entertain me.
13:55Wouldn't it be less painful to hire a cannon and bore?
13:58I quite like him.
14:00He's a bit like a puppy.
14:03Quite like him.
14:05He's a bit like a puppy.
14:07Sort of runs around, yapping and sniffing
14:10at anything with a bottom.
14:13So, are you going to give it a go?
14:15I don't know.
14:16All depends if he can be a bit more sensitive.
14:19There you go, babe, down your neck.
14:23Hey, chicks, what's got an attractive blonde head
14:25and comes in pints?
14:26LAUGHTER
14:30We were just talking about sensitivity, Gary.
14:35Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
14:37Welcome to the Crown on a typical festive session
14:40for our inaugural quiz night.
14:42APPLAUSE
14:46I take it you're all in your teams already.
14:48That's how you get on with a clean, civilised contest
14:52with no use of encyclopaedias, prearranged hand signals
14:56or mobile phones.
14:58Right, pens and papers at the ready?
15:01Yes, right, question number one.
15:06In which film did Scandinavian beauty Britt Eklund
15:10first get her kit off?
15:12LAUGHTER
15:18Right, number two.
15:21You buy eight pints of Skull
15:24and half a dozen Pernod chasers out of a 20-quid note
15:29and with your change,
15:31how many Johnnies can you get out of the machine in the car seat?
15:37Gary? Yeah?
15:39I'm going home.
15:41No, no, no, no, no, stay, please. Don't get easier.
15:46Question number three.
15:48Mozart's concerto for flute and harp
15:51is in what key?
15:56It's good, isn't it?
15:58That's a joke question.
16:03Real number three is...
16:07In which film did feisty American actress Demi Moore
16:11first get her kit off?
16:13LAUGHTER
16:18Right, now, number four, this is getting a little bit serious here.
16:22What is the average number of sexual partners
16:26a man aged 30 will have?
16:28No peeking at the magazines in the reading area here, eh?
16:34Well, what do you think, Gary?
16:36Er, 50.
16:3850? That's quite a lot, isn't it?
16:41No, no, I think that's about right, 50.
16:43Well, you've never been to bed with 50 women.
16:46Sorry?
16:47There's a serious conferring going on over there.
16:50That's quite right.
16:52First prize, remember?
16:54All the pork scratchings you can eat in five minutes.
16:59That's what I'm thinking hard about.
17:01He said you've never been to bed with 50 women.
17:05Yes, I have.
17:07I can prove it.
17:10OK.
17:17Mmm.
17:19Oh!
17:21Um, it's open!
17:26Hi. Hi.
17:29Oh, it's hot in here.
17:31Yeah, the heating's stuck on.
17:33We'll be down to our skimpy little underthings if we're not careful.
17:37Why don't you open a window?
17:39Oh, no, we can't. We've sealed them up.
17:42Wasps.
17:44Right, shall we start?
17:46What would you like, then?
17:48Cindy Crawford, Linda Robson, Jacqueline Smith,
17:50Marie Helvin, Geri Hall...
17:52I don't mind, actually.
17:54Um, Linda Lussardi, Joan Collins...
17:57Angela Lansbury.
17:59That was a mistake.
18:01Latoya Jackson or Cher?
18:03You've got the lot.
18:05Actually, we're missing an early Raquel Welch, but Gary's got his feelers out.
18:08Who does the best exercises?
18:10We don't exercise to him.
18:12I don't know. You choose.
18:14It's sad, but you seem to be an expert.
18:16OK.
18:23Put the table in against the wall.
18:25Put the table down.
18:37Again, up!
18:43Up!
18:55Oh!
19:09There. Lovely.
19:11I could get quite interested in photography, you know.
19:13Yes, it's a rather good hobby.
19:15I had some very pleasant hours in the darkroom
19:18enlarging those pictures I took the other day.
19:20Oh, super.
19:22Excuse me, does this office have to sound
19:24like an episode of Little House on the Prairie?
19:26Well, we're a bit like that, really.
19:29The little office on the prairie.
19:31Don't be twee, Anthea.
19:42I thought we might send this up to head office,
19:44then they could put it in the staff magazine.
19:46Yes, I can see the caption now.
19:48The London office, shortly before its staff were released into the community.
19:51No more photography, please, George.
19:53It is all work-related.
19:55No, George, I've seen this before.
19:57You're entering that twilight world
19:59where you can't tell if you're a clerk in the security company
20:01or Lord Bloody Litchfield.
20:05Gary, I've made you a little case for your security.
20:09I've made you a little case for your security pass.
20:12Oh, thanks, Anthea.
20:14And I had lots of material left over,
20:16so I've made us all Tupperware pouches.
20:20Thank you very much indeed.
20:22Well, you've seemed a little down in the mouth recently.
20:26Not any more.
20:31George, I'm depressed.
20:33I've got to prove to Dorothy I've had 50 lovers
20:35when I've only had three,
20:36and I now own a hand-embroidered Tupperware pouch.
20:39I meant to ask, who were these three lady friends?
20:43Well, the first one was Pat.
20:45That wasn't her real name. People used to call her that
20:47cos you only had to pat her and she'd let you do the business.
20:51She was nice.
20:52She had a little dimple in her chin.
20:54Used to keep a tree-born mint in it.
20:56The way people put a cigarette behind their ear.
20:58Have it later.
21:02Then there was Leslie.
21:04I suppose I took her for granted a bit.
21:06She left me in the end one Christmas.
21:08She bought me a cashmere coat and a gold tie pin.
21:10What did you buy her?
21:12Tissues.
21:13A box of tissues?
21:15Of course it was a box of tissues.
21:17I'm not going to give her loose tissues. I'm not peculiar.
21:20And then there was Dorothy.
21:22Ah, she's a lovely lady.
21:24Yeah. Yeah, she is.
21:26Of course, she's quite scary.
21:28Exactly.
21:29So how am I going to prove to her
21:30that I need to hire the National Exhibition Centre
21:32to accommodate my ex-lovers when in fact
21:34they'd all fit in one large cardboard box?
21:41Where did you get those marks from?
21:43What marks?
21:44Those marks.
21:46Oh, er, they just come and go.
21:49See, I rescued this cat from a burning warehouse
21:52when I was about 17,
21:54and while I was doing it,
21:56this radiator fell on the backs of my legs.
21:59Oh, nasty.
22:03LAUGHTER
22:09Hey! Hey, Debs!
22:11Deb!
22:13LAUGHTER
22:18Oh!
22:24LAUGHTER
22:33Oh!
22:55Oh, God.
22:57Oh, God.
22:59I'm supposed to wave back, now, am I?
23:03Oh, baldy marine boy.
23:07Right.
23:09There we go.
23:11I can't move it, can I?
23:13Just walk to the end.
23:15Oh, no.
23:18Yeah. Yeah, this is bad.
23:20That's it.
23:24Ooh.
23:26It's not that far down.
23:28Just stand up.
23:31Oh, dear.
23:36Oh.
23:53I tell you, Tony vomited off the top diving board of the pool yesterday,
23:56haven't you?
23:58Oh, very Tony.
24:00Yeah, apparently the filter mechanism exploded.
24:04Yeah, I can imagine.
24:06What was he doing on the top board?
24:08I think he was just standing up there and vomiting.
24:12Trying to impress Deborah, I suppose.
24:14Yeah. Perhaps now I'll stop trying to add her to his list of conquests.
24:17Yeah.
24:19Talking of which, weren't you going to show me evidence
24:22of your incredible sexual career?
24:24OK.
24:26Oh, Gary, it doesn't matter. I don't really want to see it.
24:29It's out in the open. I don't think we should have any secrets from each other.
24:32Here we are.
24:37Here we are. Photos of the women in my life whose existence you seem to doubt.
24:41There. That's Nicola, the day we first met.
24:44I didn't have my trousers on much that week, as you can imagine.
24:49And that's me. Oh, yeah, that's me with Tiffany.
24:52Horsing around.
24:55Don't get me under Tiffany.
24:57What are you trying to prove, Gary?
24:59Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
25:01We've got some letters here somewhere. Here we go.
25:04Here's one from Caroline.
25:06Caroline. Caroline, whatever.
25:08She's a nice girl. Half Cherokee. Interesting.
25:11Her spelling seems to be as bad as yours.
25:13Really? Do you think so?
25:15I think she spells you are the most considerate
25:17and physically astonishing lover I've ever had rather well, don't you?
25:21Listen, Gary, I... I mean, I didn't know about any of this.
25:24And it's...
25:26But it's hurtful.
25:28Well, fair is fair, love.
25:30I mean, you tried to make me out to be a liar and a pathetic guy.
25:36Oh, come on, look, it doesn't matter.
25:39Oh.
25:41There.
25:45Gary, help me properly.
25:49Oh!
25:52I'm not disturbing anything, am I?
25:54No. No, no.
25:56What are you doing with my photographs?
26:00They're my photographs.
26:02That's Mandy Sturges and that one there's Sarah.
26:05Did you go out with Mandy and Sarah too?
26:09They are my... Look, that's me there,
26:11that one with the nice brunette with her back to the camera.
26:14Oh, yeah, that's Anthea, Gary.
26:16What about the letters?
26:18Yeah, yeah, I think the alarm bell started ringing
26:20when I saw the phrase,
26:22yours faithfully, George, crossed out
26:24and then replaced with, all my love, moist thighs.
26:29So you knew?
26:31Oh, Gary, I always know.
26:37Turn it up, it's good, this bit.
26:39Won't it wake Dorothy?
26:41Nah, I recognise her breathing.
26:43We could strap it to the front of the gap,
26:45we could express you, wouldn't we, Gary?
26:50Mm-mm.
26:52We're raising our pelvises
26:55and tilting them.
26:58Tilt that pelvis.
27:00You want to feel good now, don't you?
27:06Hey, I'll tell you what's funny about sex.
27:09Yeah?
27:11When I'm going out with someone, right,
27:13I always get the hearts from me last-but-one partner,
27:15do you know what I mean?
27:17Oh, no, I don't suppose you do, sorry, mate.
27:20Listen, mate, you'd have to be pretty stupid in this day and age
27:23if you measured your success by the number of birds you've had.
27:25You're right, fair play.
27:27You've been doing it all day, though.
27:29Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
27:31How's Debs? Oh, brilliant. Brilliant.
27:33Yeah, things are hotting up nicely. Yeah.
27:35Played squash today. Any good?
27:37Great, yeah. Had to finish early, though.
27:39Yeah, just broke a racket on the back of me head.
27:42Hey, turn it up, turn it up.
27:47OK, then.
27:49Stretch those thighs.
27:52Yep, I know it's hurting.
27:55OK, now.
27:57Up on your haunches.
27:59Let's make every day a product-firming day!
28:05Classic. Classic.
28:09APPLAUSE
28:39Thanks for watching.