First broadcast 29t June 1995.
To celebrate getting back together again with Gary Dorothy cooks a meal but first Gary and Tony repair to the pub where landlord Les invites them to sample his guest ales.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Tamzin Outhwaite ... Girl in Pub
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
To celebrate getting back together again with Gary Dorothy cooks a meal but first Gary and Tony repair to the pub where landlord Les invites them to sample his guest ales.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Tamzin Outhwaite ... Girl in Pub
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for joining us today.
00:30Hey, I've got a surprise for you.
00:58Don't tell me. You're half man, half cucumber.
01:02No.
01:04You've invented a new sort of hair slide.
01:06No.
01:08I like surprises. Is it, er, pet beaver?
01:10No.
01:12Anyway, you know what it is. You helped me make it.
01:14Oh.
01:16Oh, God.
01:17Oh, no. It's not something horrid, is it?
01:19What?
01:20Like a presentation set of your bodily fluids.
01:24No. I'll show it to you later.
01:26It'll cheer you up.
01:27Yeah. What's the matter with you, Dorothy?
01:29Isn't it blindingly obvious?
01:31I'm going out with Gary again.
01:34You don't have to.
01:35I do.
01:37I've obviously been condemned to a lifetime of perpetual misery
01:40by the god of crap boyfriends.
01:45Probably get Bill Wyman next.
01:49Or Mr Bean.
01:50Oh. He's funny.
01:53You should be happy.
01:54I know girls who physically assault other women to go out with me.
01:57Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:58No, it's lovely going out with you again.
02:00It's just that, I don't know, I feel as if we've been here before.
02:03Like we're going round and round in circles,
02:05repeating the same old mistakes.
02:06Yeah, all right, all right. You made your point. Shut up.
02:09You see what I mean?
02:11I want to have a proper relationship,
02:13a relationship where we talk about things.
02:15Things other than what sort of knickers Betty Rubble wears
02:18and the Flintstones.
02:19Oh, yeah, I phoned this mate.
02:21Apparently they're little furry ones.
02:23It's not important, Tony.
02:26Oh, look, love.
02:28Tonight is the start of a new phase in our relationship.
02:31We'll have a lovely meal.
02:32I know, I'm cooking it.
02:34Well, exactly.
02:35Each one of us brings our special strength to the relationship.
02:39So mine seems to be cooking. What's yours?
02:41I'll have a pint of lager, please.
02:44No, my strength is enjoying eating the food that you've prepared.
02:48You see? I mean, it's uncanny.
02:50It's uncanny.
02:51That's just one way that we're both working together
02:53in perfect harmony.
02:57Don't touch it cos that hurts. Oh, sorry.
03:06No, you carry on. Have a nice romantic evening.
03:08Don't worry about me.
03:09I'll probably just stay here and play backgammon with Les.
03:12Les plays backgammon?
03:14You'll be telling me next you stopped signing his name
03:16with a big shaky cross.
03:18We just get the board out and sit with it.
03:20Look like two dandies.
03:25Dorothy, as part of the Crown's continuing search
03:28for excellent service, can I offer you a goodbye gherkin?
03:33Thank you, no, Les.
03:34This is my month for not eating poisonous bar snacks.
03:37Can I bend your blokes here for a second?
03:39Well, if you're going to do it properly,
03:41it's going to take longer than a second.
03:43I'm sorry, Les, but me and my lady
03:45are having a very nice candlelit dinner for two tonight
03:48and nothing is going to get in the way of that.
03:50You can finish your pint if you like. OK.
03:53Hey.
03:54Love, don't you worry.
03:56Everything's going to be different from now on.
04:10Sorry.
04:11So I reckon they should push Barnby forward,
04:14capitalising on his speed across the park.
04:16Park, yeah.
04:17And that would release Sherringham
04:19to fulfil his roving brief up front,
04:22feeding off loose balls.
04:24Balls, yeah.
04:27What's he talking about?
04:28I've got no idea.
04:29Sounds like it could be football.
04:31Oh, God.
04:32No clichéd barman.
04:34Do they think men only talk about football,
04:37booze and birds?
04:39How's your pint?
04:40Brilliant.
04:41Let's get rid of tonight.
04:42Her place.
04:43Do you know, I think I might have a real chance of cracking her this time.
04:46Yeah, magic.
04:47I mean, if I'm honest,
04:48I don't think I've come on to her very subtly in the past.
04:50No.
04:51Mooning her in Waitrose in front of her friends.
04:54I mean, if I'm hard on myself,
04:56that probably was a bit of a mistake.
04:58Yeah.
04:59Buying that monk dog with a pop-up erection.
05:03You've always been there for her, haven't you, downstairs?
05:06Oh, yeah.
05:07Often pissed up at seeing other birds.
05:09Always, yeah.
05:10Les, what was it you wanted me for?
05:12Oh, yeah.
05:13The brewery's bunged me these guest lagers.
05:15I wanted your opinion on them.
05:17This one's from Bulgaria.
05:19It's called sod.
05:20Oh, I'm sorry, Les.
05:21I've got a special lady waiting for me at home.
05:23And what does Dorothy feel about that?
05:26Who is Dorothy, Les?
05:28Oh.
05:29I thought we'd been going out for five years.
05:33All right, we'll have a cup of cold tea.
05:43PHONE RINGS
05:45Tony, it's me.
05:47I'm running late.
05:48Can you record Baywatch?
05:50Cheers, mate.
06:01Tony, I've still got your Nevada CD and watch.
06:04This is me.
06:05This is me.
06:06This is me.
06:07This is me.
06:08This is me.
06:09This is me.
06:10This is me.
06:11This is me.
06:12This is me smashing them with a hammer.
06:17Hey, Gary, if you get in,
06:19can you record that documentary about king penguins
06:21and their fascinating wintry world?
06:23Tell me.
06:24Oh, um, Baywatch.
06:28Message for Gary Strang.
06:30You requested information on the Sun and Skin Naturist Club.
06:33Unfortunately, single men aren't eligible to join.
06:36Sorry.
06:42Hi.
06:43Hi.
06:44Debs?
06:45Yeah, it's me.
06:46Can you come down and rescue me?
06:48I think I'm going to kill myself.
07:00What's this one called?
07:02Binky.
07:05I think it's Indonesian.
07:06It's not as good as sod, but it's better than that Russian one.
07:09What's that called?
07:11Plop.
07:14I'd better be getting back. Dorothy will be waiting.
07:16Yeah.
07:18So, Debs, right, I'm not going to rush in like I have done before.
07:22I'm really going to, like, woo her,
07:24as if it's the first time we've met.
07:26Yeah.
07:27Now, where was I?
07:28Oh, yeah.
07:29Now, either the governor's got to go,
07:32we've lobbied it to the eye feller up front,
07:35or he's got to drill it to fit on the carpet.
07:38Yes, or the apricot man could do a pass
07:40over across the nutmeg off the sock.
07:42Am I right, Tony?
07:43Yeah, yeah.
07:44If you play the sock master, like you say,
07:46when you've got three points written blind.
07:48Yeah.
07:49You see, I've been studying the shoulder stats,
07:51and this'll tickle you, Les,
07:52but you've got to go all the way back to West Ham
07:54for a diagonal counter, Rabbit.
07:59Well, do you think that's just bollocks, Les?
08:03I've got to go and serve someone.
08:07So, woo her.
08:09Woo her.
08:11Woo, woo, woo her.
08:13Woo, woo, woo her.
08:15I've got this book on chat-up lines,
08:17and you know what really works?
08:19Yeah, yeah, run along, darling,
08:20I want to talk to your pretty friend.
08:22I didn't mention that.
08:23Oh, here's another one, I came up with this one.
08:25It's good, you'll like this.
08:26Is that your chest, or are you just keeping
08:28two really big round things warm for a friend?
08:32This book says that women respond to three things.
08:35That's flattery, the protection that only a bloke can give,
08:39and a sense of humour.
08:40I see, so your best chat-up line would be,
08:43hello, gorgeous tits, I've got a shooter in me pocket,
08:46how many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
08:50Oh, no.
08:51Too much?
08:52Too much, no.
08:53It's more like, um,
08:54can I tell you how much I love your eyes?
08:57By the way, I'm a doctor.
08:59By the way, I'm a doctor.
09:01Can I get you a glass of the old fire water?
09:07That's a bit wanky, isn't it?
09:12I'm going to adapt it for Deborah, you see,
09:14so it'll go,
09:15Debs, can I tell you how much I like your hair?
09:19By the way, I'm thinking of training to be a doctor.
09:23And isn't it strange how the last chocolate in the box
09:25is always a coffee cream?
09:27Observational humour, lovely.
09:29Yeah, no, please, you just advance then to the next stage.
09:32Oh, that'll be penetration, will it?
09:36Heavy petting leading inevitably to mutual masturbation.
09:40No, I'll ask her if she's free maybe to go to a restaurant.
09:44Oh, yeah?
09:45Then gradually break down...
09:46Oh, well, I'm sorry, I haven't got the time,
09:48you're taking too long.
09:49You don't keep Dorothy waiting,
09:51not more than a couple of hours anyway.
09:53Well, you have a nice meal, mate, you deserve it.
09:55I know I sound like a hard-balled playing dog
09:57whipping take-me-as-you-find-me kind of a guy,
09:59which I am,
10:00but when you've got something as special as me and Dorothy,
10:02you don't jeopardise it by two more binkies over him,
10:04whatever the ladies want, please.
10:08Bloody hell, though.
10:09You sure you don't want to ring the pub?
10:11No, that's the great thing about going out with Gary.
10:15You know you're going to be disappointed,
10:17it's just a question of how often and how much.
10:20The trouble with Tony is, if he tries it on, I feel sordid,
10:23if he doesn't, I feel unattractive.
10:25What's worse?
10:26Unattractive.
10:28I wonder what he'd do if he said to him,
10:30come on then, let's do it, get your policeman out.
10:35I did once, he thought I was joking.
10:37Mind you, I suppose he might have been still a bit wary
10:40of the time I told him to take off all his clothes
10:42and wait for me in the shed.
10:45How long was he there?
10:47Three and a half hours.
10:50Still, it's quite an attractive proposition, though.
10:54No, there wasn't enough room.
10:56The lawnmower was in the way.
10:58I'm not sitting on the bit that collects the grass.
11:02Gary and I did it in my parents' shed once.
11:05That was a phrase of ours for a while.
11:07Fancy a quick shed?
11:10It's when we were going through this stage
11:12of trying to do it in unusual places.
11:14What was the most unusual place?
11:16Dudley.
11:20It's Tony's fault, though, sod him.
11:22If he was to be a bit more thoughtful,
11:24just once, I'd say, what the hell?
11:27What's that?
11:29It's Gary's getting back together present.
11:32Oh, God, I hope it's not Jurassic poke.
11:38He's been begging me to let him get it out of the video shop.
11:41He's been begging me to let him get it out of the video shop.
11:48Oh, my God.
11:51Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...
11:56Hello, Dorothy.
11:59This is your... This is your home.
12:02Where you live, with your parents, still,
12:05even though you're well into your 30s.
12:08You brought me home to meet them shortly after we met.
12:11Well, a couple of years after we met, they were very busy.
12:16It was on this lawn that you played as a child
12:19with your childhood friends.
12:24It was on this lawn that you used to play as a child
12:27with your childhood pals.
12:29And then later, as an adult, with me, your new pal.
12:32Your bloke.
12:34Your bloke.
12:36Your shipmate on life's heaving love boat.
12:42No, I'm in security equipment, actually.
12:44Handle most of the major burglar alarm systems.
12:47We just took an order from Ostend, which is in Belgium,
12:51so we're really pushing out into Europe, you know.
12:54I took the order myself, processed the whole shooting match
12:57within three working days. Really quite good going.
13:02Tony?
13:04Yeah. So, um, what do you girls do in the evenings?
13:08We go out. Great.
13:11So how did you happen upon Les' watering hole?
13:14I mean, two girls in a pub by themselves.
13:17To me, that spells G-A-N-G-E-R.
13:23To us, it's spelt M-A-R-L-B-O-R-O.
13:27Oh.
13:30Middlesbrough.
13:32We needed some fags.
13:34Marlborough.
13:36Oh.
13:38Can I just say that I love your nose?
13:41Yeah. Well, we're off now, so you'll have to love somebody else's.
13:44No problem. Thanks for the drinks.
13:46Cool. Girls, you've forgotten you could buy gherkins.
13:51This is where we had our first date.
13:53You had a lamb korma and I had, um, something brown
13:57in a smingy sauce.
13:59After two hours, I knew I'd never look at another woman lustfully again.
14:06The only trouble with girls is they don't appreciate the place
14:10of the public house within the cultural fabric of this great nation.
14:14Oh. It's not something you can learn, is it?
14:17Oh, it's not...
14:19I mean, you can get a book about it.
14:21Oh, you can get a book about it from a bookshop.
14:26Or a library.
14:28But you can't learn about it.
14:30No, no. It's because...
14:32You can't learn it because it's a blend of 1,000 years of...
14:36Yeah, of blokes sitting around talking.
14:39Talking, yeah.
14:41You see, Dorothy, for instance, she doesn't understand
14:43that lager is a metaphor for life itself.
14:48The beer mats are the, if you like, the squidgy ground beneath our feet.
14:53The glass.
14:55The glass is like the clothing around our body.
14:58Only glass clothing.
15:00Yeah.
15:02And the lager itself is the body
15:05with its lovely foamy little curly little hair.
15:08Yeah, and the peanuts.
15:10You see, the peanuts...
15:14They're just peanuts, really.
15:17I've tried to explain to Deborah that there's more to pubs
15:21than there are to blokes sitting around getting drunk,
15:24talking crap and telling jokes.
15:26Well, sometimes when you're going out with someone,
15:29it's necessary to show them who's the boss.
15:32And in my case... Dorothy is.
15:36Yes, but is she, actually?
15:39You see? Is she?
15:42Yes, she is.
15:44Yes, she is, but she isn't tonight,
15:47because tonight marks the start of a new phase in our relationship,
15:50a phase in which I call the she'ses at the time.
15:53I've got to go.
15:55Off you go, my son.
15:57You have a good night, old boy.
15:59Yeah, you don't know anything I wouldn't do.
16:01Well, so I'll have sex with a couple of ostriches then, eh?
16:04God bless you. All the best.
16:06Tasty bar snacks, freshly prepared on the premises.
16:09Got a couple of cold sods to go with that.
16:14And do you remember, this is where we celebrated the year of going out together?
16:19And afterwards, I vomited in here...
16:24..and then you put me in a minicab over there.
16:30I want to be in it.
16:32You said I could be in it.
16:36So, this is Tony.
16:38Hi.
16:40I first...
16:42I first met you, Dorothy, must be, ooh, two years ago,
16:46and I knew then that I was in the presence of a super person.
16:52Do you remember that time when you stopped over
16:54and I saw you coming out of the bathroom after you'd had a bath
16:57and your towel dropped off and I saw you in the nude?
17:02And then there was that time when I came home early
17:04and caught you and Gary doing the business on the lounge table
17:07and you pretended to be doing those stretching exercises.
17:10And then there was that time.
17:12What are you doing?
17:14Hello, Dorothy. Do you remember the time we both came back early
17:17and we found Tony sitting alone watching a video with his trousers around his ankle?
17:25Hello?
17:27PHONE RINGS
17:29Dorothy? Lovely.
17:31I'm so glad you and Gary are back together.
17:34Hello?
17:36Oh, hello, it's you.
17:38Yeah.
17:40Yeah, no, I'm lovely.
17:44Lovely person, yeah.
17:48Yeah. Yes, I understand what you're saying.
17:50You're saying I'm a lovely person, yes.
17:53Yeah. Yeah, I'm watching it now.
17:57Oh, what can I say?
18:03Yeah, well, Tony's mate needed the camera back
18:06cos he wanted to film his wife's hip replacement operation,
18:09so it's all done in a bit of a hurry, I'm afraid.
18:12Look, Gary, are you actually coming home tonight?
18:15Or have the brewery finally given in
18:17and allocated you your own table to live under?
18:19Well, I've been a little delayed
18:22because first this old fella got a scampi fry stuck in his throat
18:27and we had to wait until the ambulance came
18:30and then there was a power cut
18:32and we couldn't even see the exit for quite some time.
18:35Gary, I don't care.
18:37Just come home now and have some of the meal I lovingly prepared for you
18:41three hours ago and we'll go to bed.
18:44Bed?! Bed's for sleeping people!
18:47Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!
18:51Hello, Colour Me.
18:53This is me outside Monty's,
18:55the restaurant where we celebrated, as you'll remember,
18:58our second anniversary of knowing each other.
19:01Unfortunately, I drank eight pints of something which seemed to disagree with me.
19:05Now, sit.
19:08You could have left me here,
19:10but because it was largely liquid,
19:12it ran right down the back of my back.
19:16See?
19:19We must always be together.
19:22Promise me you'll never leave me.
19:25Do you mind if I don't, Gary?
19:27Leave yourself. We'll be home in a bit because it's nearly closing.
19:31Gentlemen, please!
19:34We've got homosexuals to go to!
19:38There's somebody who wants to say hello.
19:41Hello.
19:45Bye.
19:46That was Tony!
19:51They're coming home.
19:53How drunk are they?
19:55Oh, I've heard worse.
19:57I can tell when Gary's seriously pissed cos he starts singing or telling me he loves me.
20:01And I'm really in trouble when he starts singing he loves me.
20:04Or maybe I'll wait and see if Tony comes home in a romantic mood.
20:09We are sailing
20:13We are sailing
20:17Home again
20:21Across the sea
20:25We are sailing
20:30Stormy waters
20:34To be near you
20:38To be free
20:41Get him down!
20:45We are sailing
20:49We are sailing
21:01We are sailing
21:05We are sailing
21:09Home again
21:14Across the sea
21:19We are sailing
21:23Home again
21:28Home again
21:58We are sailing
22:03Home again
22:08Home again
22:13Home again
22:18Home again
22:23Is that a plough?
22:30What does a bloody plough look like anyway?
22:34I am kneeling
22:39I am kneeling
22:44On the floor
22:49Outside the pool
22:55Oh, come out. Come out.
22:59I've had it. I've had it. I've had it.
23:01Ah, no. I dropped them again.
23:03Shall we use my keys?
23:05Keys? That's a good idea. I was looking for me bollocks.
23:14I'm going to knock on Debra's door.
23:16That can't do any harm, can it?
23:18That's the convenient thing about calling on people in the middle of the night.
23:21They're always in.
23:24I'm really ready to seduce her now.
23:26I've planned it in the minutest detail.
23:29What are you going to say?
23:32Say?
23:35I don't know that.
23:38Oh, say. Yeah.
23:40I'm going to compliment her on her hair, as we discussed.
23:44And then I'm going to subtly ask her out for a tea.
23:47For a scone.
23:49And I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
23:51And she'll smile sweetly.
23:55I'll just shout out.
23:59Debra!
24:01I f***ing love you!
24:05Come down!
24:07I want you!
24:10Shh!
24:16I think Dorothy's like this.
24:18How does she do that?
24:20I don't know. I just can't think. I don't know why.
24:24That's not working.
24:26Shh! I'll make it ring.
24:28Ring! Ring!
24:33Dorothy?
24:35It's me.
24:37Gary.
24:39Your boyfriend.
24:41There, see?
24:43There's a couple of bottles of plop in it for you.
24:47Dorothy, I've got my flap open and I'm begging you to let me enter.
24:56Maybe just a weeny bit louder.
24:59Dorothy!
25:02Dorothy!
25:06Dorothy!
25:09You've got the right hands.
25:11Yeah?
25:12Yeah.
25:13It looks like it.
25:14Yeah. All right.
25:16What I'm going to do is break in.
25:18How?
25:19Well, I'll tap lightly on this pane in the door with precision tapping,
25:25break it and put my hand in and open the door.
25:28Oh, I'll do it. I'll be good at that.
25:30No, I want to do it. This is my door.
25:36BELL RINGS
25:46BELL RINGS
25:55BELL RINGS
25:57BELL RINGS
26:09Honey, we're home!
26:11Mum, we're homey!
26:13Sorry about the noise.
26:15There was a slight glass hazard in the foyer.
26:24I'm glad I've caught you up.
26:26You woke me.
26:28Oh.
26:30Can I give you a scone and some protection?
26:36Leave me here.
26:38Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?
26:42You don't!
26:44Who says you do?
26:46Just stay here in your flat.
26:50God, you are irritating.
26:53I just wanted to say that I'll always be here for you,
26:58waiting for your call, standing by, forever ready.
27:06All right?
27:09What?
27:15And then we tried to leave again,
27:17but this woman came in and said,
27:20Would you believe it?
27:22Her car needed a whole new gearbox.
27:26So there we were, with these little cogs,
27:29and just the light, and there's this torch.
27:32It's rubbish.
27:35Oh, you were lovely.
27:40I love you
27:47I love you
28:07I am sitting
28:12I am sitting
28:35You're not coming, are you, Dan?
28:41You're not coming, are you?
29:11You're not coming, are you?