First broadcast 11th December 1997.
Tony wakes up to find that he has bought a snake from a man in a pub but cannot get rid of it. Deborah and Dorothy meanwhile put pressure on Gary to get rid of his uncomfortable old sofa.
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Luke Gregory ... Young Gary
Paul Stacey ... Mate 1
Paul Bigley ... Mate 2
Barbara Durkin ... Schoolgirl
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
Michèle Winstanley ... Shy Girl (as Michele Winstanley)
Martha Cope ... Cool Girl
Diane O'Kelly ... Serious Girl
Tony wakes up to find that he has bought a snake from a man in a pub but cannot get rid of it. Deborah and Dorothy meanwhile put pressure on Gary to get rid of his uncomfortable old sofa.
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Luke Gregory ... Young Gary
Paul Stacey ... Mate 1
Paul Bigley ... Mate 2
Barbara Durkin ... Schoolgirl
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
Michèle Winstanley ... Shy Girl (as Michele Winstanley)
Martha Cope ... Cool Girl
Diane O'Kelly ... Serious Girl
Category
📺
TVTranscript
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09:10Hello, Zoo?
09:13Yes, I'd like to speak to somebody about snakes, please.
09:35Oh, hello. Yes.
09:38My girlfriend bought a snake off a bloke in a pub last night.
09:43I don't know why. She was very drunk.
09:47Illegal?
09:49Oh, did you say snake?
09:51I meant to say dog.
10:09I found some great stuff down the lining.
10:13Oh, look, my old comb.
10:16Well done, mate.
10:18I lost that in 1978. I used to comb my hair every six minutes.
10:22Yeah, me too. Mind, we were all punks back then, weren't we?
10:25Punks? Yeah, yeah.
10:28With our bondage slacks and everything.
10:31You had to rebel, didn't you?
10:33Oh, God, yes.
10:34Ban the whale!
10:38No, no, I mean...
10:40Save the whale!
10:42Ban other things.
10:44Yeah.
10:45Oh, we used to talk long into the night,
10:49putting the world to right.
10:52Then we'd stroll over to the window, look out and see...
10:56A fox?
10:58No, that the sun had come up and we'd been talking all night.
11:04Yeah.
11:06Oh.
11:15So, are you going to Tim's party?
11:18Nah, he's a wanker.
11:20Are you a wanker?
11:22Terry's gonna be there.
11:24He's a wanker. Tosser.
11:26Wanker.
11:28I'm Mike.
11:30Wanker.
11:31Wanker.
11:32Tosser.
11:33Tosser.
11:34Wanker.
11:36And Mike's mate Cliff.
11:38Wanker?
11:41Wanker?
11:43Tosser.
11:45Wanker.
11:46Tosser.
11:47Tosser.
12:02Excuse me.
12:04Have you seen my bicycle?
12:07Um, well...
12:09Hold on.
12:11Are you going to Tim's party?
12:14Might be quite jolly.
12:17I might go too, then.
12:19Great.
12:21Are you all right?
12:23Yeah.
12:24I think that cigar might be making you ill.
12:27No.
12:28No, I always smoke cigars.
12:38Oh!
12:40Ah.
12:42My first work tie.
12:45God, they were stylish, the 1980s, weren't they?
12:49Yeah.
12:51You never really got the hang of the work thing, did you?
12:54It never quite gelled for you.
12:56Gelled? No, no.
12:58Well, it's not natural, is it?
13:00Man was born to hunt, fight, and kill.
13:04It's not natural, is it?
13:06Man was born to hunt, fish, and forage in the open air.
13:10Well, why aren't you out doing that, then?
13:12You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.
13:15Tell you what's weird about work.
13:17All the pencils.
13:20No, the way you have to sign big cards all the time
13:23for people you don't know who are having an operation.
13:29No, what's weird is the way some people have brilliant careers
13:32while other, possibly more gifted people get left behind.
13:37Yeah.
13:40Oh.
13:52So, this is your desk here, you see.
13:56And this is where George sits, over here.
14:03And this is where we put the post, in the tray marked post.
14:07Oh, and the little card with post written on it fell off last year,
14:11but we stuck it back on with Sellotape, didn't we, George?
14:14Little bits of Sellotape, yes.
14:16OK. Lovely.
14:18I have to say, it is rather sleepy here.
14:21Oh, thank you.
14:25I'm going to be setting up some new systems and procedures,
14:28so any input from yourselves at this juncture?
14:33We've done you a card.
14:37Thanks.
14:40Welcome, Barry. That's very nice, except my name's Gary, not Barry.
14:44I wonder how that happened.
14:47Oh, and some business cards for me.
14:53Manager, Barry Strange.
14:55That should be Gary Strang, there's no E.
15:00And your door sign, only I'm afraid that's in the name of Barry.
15:04Barry, yep, never mind.
15:06Rather than redo the sign, perhaps we could call you Barry.
15:10Whoa!
15:12Anyway, the main thing about work is energy and commitment,
15:15so are you out or are you in?
15:18In what?
15:20That's a fun tie.
15:22Yes, it's...
15:25This sofa's seen some arse, I'll tell you that, mate.
15:28I bet, mate.
15:30You know what it's like when you've got a lovely girl back to your bedside?
15:33Yeah.
15:34And you sit down on the sofa.
15:36Yeah.
15:38It's great, all that, isn't it?
15:40Oh.
15:42Huh?
15:44Oh.
15:47BELL RINGS
15:55Do you like stomante?
15:57It's OK, yeah. Yeah, me too, it's fizzy.
15:59Did you understand that bit in the film where the baby...
16:02Oh! Oh, God, I'm sorry.
16:05Is it all right?
16:07I'm sure it'll be OK.
16:09Do you want me to put some butter on it? How does that help?
16:11I think it makes the swelling all, um...
16:14All buttery.
16:20Can I take you home, please?
16:22Yeah, I'll call you a cab.
16:40I got this new Spanish lava,
16:43which you're supposed to drink straight from the bottle.
16:46Which is an interesting new idea.
16:48I know.
16:50Aren't you going to say cheers?
16:52Cheers.
16:54No clinking?
16:56What?
16:58Clinking.
17:06Oh. Oh, baby.
17:08This is so good.
17:11This isn't going to work.
17:13OK, no problem.
17:15Cheers, mate.
17:41I know it's old-fashioned,
17:44but I don't actually believe in sex before marriage.
17:56Tony?
18:01Back in a minute, mate.
18:03Oh, God.
18:09Sss. Sss.
18:12Here, Snakey, Snakey.
18:16Here, Snakey.
18:20Hello, Snake, mate.
18:29Oh, right.
18:34Yeah.
18:40Yeah.
18:46Get in the bag, you skinny little bastard.
18:54Hey, Tony, mate, come in here.
18:56I haven't finished reminiscing.
18:58Look what I've found.
19:04Great.
19:09Girls' bras, eh?
19:11Girls' bras.
19:13Yeah.
19:15I wonder what it's like putting one on.
19:18I suppose it's a bit like parking.
19:21Yeah.
19:23Sexy parking.
19:25Sexy parking, yeah.
19:27Some girls' bras do up from the front.
19:30Some girls' bras do up from the back.
19:33Mm.
19:34They're both great ways, aren't they?
19:36Yeah.
19:37I think Dorothy was wearing this when we first met.
19:40Oh.
19:41Sorry, could you...?
19:42Oh, yes.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:58Hey, you lot need lining up.
20:00Come on, let's conga.
20:02Come on.
20:03Conga, conga, conga, here we go.
20:05Go on, break out there.
20:07You there, get up there, get up.
20:09Go on.
20:10Shirty out of it, then.
20:13You give me your hands there, like that.
20:15That's it.
20:16Go on, finish, eh?
20:23Everybody say ooh!
20:24Ooh!
20:25Everybody say tease!
20:27Tease!
20:35I think just wearing the trousers on the head would have done it.
20:40I'm Gary.
20:42Dorothy.
20:45You look like fun.
20:47Thanks.
20:49No offence, but you look like a nightmare.
20:53What do you do, Dorothy?
20:55I'm a nurse.
20:57Ah.
20:58What does that involve?
21:01Um, nursing.
21:03Ah.
21:04Interesting.
21:10Do you want to dance?
21:12Um, don't make me conga.
21:15Oh.
21:37Do you want to go out with me, then?
21:41Yeah, all right.
21:44Always works.
21:46Oh.
22:10Now, don't take this personally.
22:16Oh.
22:46Oh.
23:16Oh!
23:23What's in the bag?
23:25A snake.
23:26Oh, yeah.
23:27Back down at the pub, said I could breed from it.
23:32Don't you need two?
23:35No idea, really.
23:37I shouldn't have bought it, really, but you know what it's like.
23:40You've had a few drinks, you think everything's fine,
23:42bloke offers you a snake.
23:44Yeah.
23:45Impressed your girlfriend.
23:47Bag's a personality, nice and long.
23:49Blah, blah, eats mice.
23:52Still, it could have been worse.
23:54We're selling a goat as well.
23:56I could do with a coat.
23:58No, a goat.
24:00I don't want a goat.
24:04Better get this in the van.
24:07Yeah, can you just leave me alone with my sofa for a minute, mate?
24:12Sure.
24:13Take your snake.
24:21Bye-bye.
24:40Too weird, mate.
24:43Oh, sorry.
24:48You get the other end then, mate.
24:53Oh, God.
24:55Come on.
24:56Come on.
24:57Oh, no.
24:58Bloke, bloke.
25:02Where have they gone?
25:04Probably driving around in Tony's van,
25:06trying to find a bin big enough to put the sofa in.
25:09Yeah.
25:10Cheers, blokes.
25:11See you later.
25:12Bye.
25:16Do you think they'll like it?
25:20No, probably not.
25:22Gary's suspicious of anything that hasn't turned ever so slightly brown.
25:26So...
25:28Do you reckon you and Gary will be sitting on this sofa in 25 years?
25:32Probably.
25:33Only the lottery or premature death can save me now.
25:37I can't imagine being without Tony.
25:40Oh, Debs, that's sweet.
25:42No, I mean, he's like having a hump, isn't he?
25:46After a while, you just accept it's there.
25:50Maybe we're not so different after all.
25:52Don't. Now you're scaring me.
26:03Oh, brilliant.
26:08So...
26:09If you could take three blokes to a desert island,
26:14what would it be?
26:16Ah, good one, yeah.
26:21Well, do you want to...?
26:40There you go, and he's ready.
26:44You ever released anything into the wild?
26:46Er...
26:47Yeah, my pet tortoise, Jeff.
26:51Well, we wanted to give him a hard time.
26:56He'd suffered enough.
26:58I was quite cruel.
27:00Still, you mellow out, don't you?
27:02One minute you're blowing up a bucket of frogs,
27:04the next you're moving a pushchair with a little baby inside.
27:10Have you ever noticed the way people of over about 48 years of age
27:15are not comfortable on a sofa, are they?
27:17They always want their own chair.
27:19Oh, well, they're preparing for death, mate.
27:22Want their own vehicle.
27:25It's like the seven ages of man, isn't it?
27:29Birth.
27:30Childhood.
27:31Adolescence.
27:34Sofa.
27:36And then the other three.
27:38Yeah.
27:41Saying goodbye to this sofa is like saying goodbye to my youth.
27:47I'll tell you what I'll miss, though.
27:49From your youth?
27:50From my youth.
27:51Funny haircuts.
27:53Yeah, yeah, I'll miss that.
27:55Firm flesh, cos it all gets a bit wobbly from now on, you know.
27:58What?
27:59Oh, yeah, yeah.
28:00Smingy and a bit wobbly.
28:06But the thing I'll really miss is when you're older.
28:11You can't be stupid, can you?
28:13Oh, I think you can, mate.
28:17Oh, good.
28:55You're welcome.