First broadcast 25th July 1996.
Tony discovers that Gary has been hoarding a large nest egg in the flat and tells everybody they know, including George and Anthea, who demand a pay rise.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Tony discovers that Gary has been hoarding a large nest egg in the flat and tells everybody they know, including George and Anthea, who demand a pay rise.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for joining us today.
00:30My name is David and I'm a professor at the University of Michigan.
00:32I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:34I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:36I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:38I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:40I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:42I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:44I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:46I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:48I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:50I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:52I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:54I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:56I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
00:58I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:00I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:02I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:04I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:06I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:08I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:10I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:12I'm here to talk to you about how we can make a difference in the world.
01:14When you freeze things, they all go stiff.
01:16When you freeze things, they all go stiff.
01:18And if you leave things out in a room, like bread, that goes stiff too.
01:20And if you leave things out in a room, like bread, that goes stiff too.
01:22And if you leave things out in a room, like bread, that goes stiff too.
01:24Stiffness. Interesting.
01:26Did you have that chin yesterday?
01:28Huh?
01:30Sorry, I'm not being rude, but you do seem to be becoming a little bit roly-poly.
01:32Sorry, I'm not being rude, but you do seem to be becoming a little bit roly-poly.
01:34What do I mean?
01:36A touch of the Podgemeister, a bit of a fatster.
01:38What do I mean? A touch of the Podgemeister, a bit of a fatster.
01:40No, mate, no.
01:42Oh!
01:44Bad news.
01:46Dear Mr Strang, unfortunately, owing to a heavy work schedule,
01:48my client Kylie Minogue is unable to meet you and your friend Tony for a doughnut.
01:50my client Kylie Minogue is unable to meet you and your friend Tony for a doughnut.
01:54Right, let's start it.
02:12£33,000?
02:14£33,000?
02:16£33,000?
02:18£33,000?
02:20£33,000?
02:22£33,000?
02:24£33,000?
02:26£33,000?
02:28Gary, you know you always said you only had a couple hundred pounds?
02:30Gary, you know you always said you only had a couple hundred pounds?
02:32Yeah.
02:34Well, don't get me wrong, mate, but you're a bit of a lying bastard, aren't you?
02:36That is private!
02:38Where did you get £33,000 from?
02:40I've been thrifty.
02:42So have I. How come I've only got £6.40?
02:47Oh, that's a nice little nest egg, isn't it?
02:49No, it isn't.
02:51I'm on £33,000, like you.
02:55I want to be able to walk into a shop feeling like a king.
02:59I've had a steady job for 15 years, Tony.
03:02How many jobs have you had in that time?
03:0472.
03:06You see, I'm more experienced than you at jobs.
03:08I should be getting paid more.
03:10And my auntie left me some.
03:12Oh, well, you see, that's not fair.
03:15When people die, they should leave their money
03:17to the poor and needy people like me,
03:19who don't even know where the next pair of pants is coming from.
03:25Give me some of your money, mate.
03:27No, no.
03:29And don't tell Dorothy I've got any money in the bank, will you?
03:32Why not?
03:34Because I want her to keep taking me as I am,
03:36just a really nice, simple bloke.
03:39Simple bloke. Yeah.
03:47Tony.
03:50I think you're putting on weight.
03:52Oh, I've just got podgy bones.
03:55What?
03:56He said he's just got podgy bones.
03:58I've just got podgy bones.
04:02Yeah!
04:04And that, so that'll be...
04:06£14 rent, please.
04:09That's £14 more for me.
04:12I'll just put that with the rest of my money over here.
04:18Eight.
04:20Eight.
04:24Yeah! Three!
04:28Oh, no, no, no, no!
04:32Six pounds, please.
04:35That's all right.
04:36I can pay that out of the £14 I've just won,
04:39leaving me £8 spending money.
04:43You really are looking a bit chubby.
04:46No, it's the light in here.
04:48We all look fat.
04:51If Kate Moss was playing with us right now, we'd be saying,
04:54come on, it's your go, fatty Moss.
04:56Roll the dice with your chubby fingers.
04:58Try not to knock anything over with your chunky great arms.
05:01Shush, shush, shush, shush now.
05:03Well, whose go is it now in the Monopoly game?
05:06Oh, I hate this game. Why?
05:08Well, it's so mean-spirited, isn't it?
05:10I mean, the object is to make everybody else bankrupt.
05:13Oh, is it?
05:15I think it'd be good if there was a game where the winner was,
05:18say, the person who helped the most old ladies across the street
05:21or gave the most money to charity.
05:23Absolutely, I agree.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:31So, um, how much of your £33,000 are you going to give to charity?
05:38I told you, that's private!
05:41I only sold Dorothy.
05:43And me. And Debs.
05:45Great. And everyone at the corner shop.
05:47They all seemed interested.
05:50Look, we think it's great that you've got money.
05:53I think you could spend it a little more creatively.
05:56No, no. I spend literally thousands of pounds of cash every week.
06:01What on? You've got no car, no hobbies,
06:05you've got no other friends to spend your money on.
06:08I've got Clive.
06:10Gary, Clive isn't a friend, he's a worm.
06:16You cut your own hair,
06:18you buy all your clothes at Tim's trouser warehouse,
06:21you buy five pairs of socks for a pound,
06:23you've never bought any nice things.
06:26I bet Terry Waite spent more than you in his hostage years.
06:30I buy nice things.
06:32What, like the lager jam you sent away for?
06:34Yeah, that sort of thing.
06:36I've never seen you give any money to charity.
06:38Well, let's be honest, who of us actually does?
06:40I was trying to... You do, actually.
06:42Yeah, no, actually, of course, I do.
06:44I buy poppies.
06:46Well, you bought a poppy in 1989.
06:49You make me iron it every year.
06:52Well, Tony's my charity, isn't he?
06:54He never pays me any rent.
06:55I'm running a one-man shelter group here.
06:57I bet I could get a grant from the council for my work with Tony.
07:03All right, I'll give some money to charity right bloody now.
07:08Yeah!
07:09Gary, you owe me some rent.
07:11In your dreams, chunky.
07:15I tell you what, they're trying to raise money
07:17for new operating tables at the hospital.
07:19I've got a form here.
07:20All you've got to do is fill in your credit card details.
07:22Fine.
07:24So how much are you going to give?
07:26Oh, let's not muck about.
07:27I reckon I could stretch to a whole table.
07:29How much do they cost these days?
07:30£5,000.
07:32Fine, £5,000?
07:35Yeah.
07:37Well, why don't we just give them our table?
07:41Uh, no.
07:42No, these are special adjustable tables.
07:44You've just got to put a phone book under one of the legs.
07:47It's not very interesting, is it, really, an operating table?
07:50Why don't I just give them a big bag of cotton wool balls or something?
07:53No, fine, Gary.
07:55If you don't want to give any of your money to help...
07:58All right, you fill it in.
08:00Put what you like.
08:11Thanks.
08:12So what did you put down?
08:14£5,000.
08:16You said that'd be fine. Is it all right?
08:18It's fine, fine.
08:19So I'll see if I get this first thing tomorrow morning, then.
08:21Yep.
08:42Right.
08:59Right.
09:02£550.
09:06Five?
09:08Fifty.
09:10Oh, God.
09:12Biro.
09:13Biro, biro, biro.
09:34Gary, what are you doing in my bag?
09:36Mm-hm.
09:38I think you'd feel a lot more relaxed
09:40if you didn't have my rape alarm in your mouth.
09:45You rest on a bit, love.
09:46I'll take this in the other room and quieten it down a bit.
09:49No, no, here, here, now, now.
09:58Thanks for the money, Gary.
10:00It'll make you feel good about yourself.
10:03Yeah.
10:05Yeah.
10:08Hello, can I speak to the manager of credit card payments, please?
10:11Yes, I'll hold.
10:13Oh, it's always bloody green sleeves, isn't it?
10:16Yes, bloody green sleeves.
10:20What is?
10:21When they put you on hold.
10:23Banks, they make £2 billion a minute.
10:25You'd think they could splash out in a bit of Pavarotti,
10:27but oh, no, they'd rather get some tone-deaf eight-year-old
10:30shut in a small room with a crappy little electric organ.
10:33Have you got something on your mind?
10:35Flexible bloody friend-mind knob.
10:38Oh, hello, yes.
10:40I recently filled in one of your lovely forms
10:42to make a charitable donation, which is very me.
10:46I just wondered if I might make a slight alteration to the amount.
10:51Why not?
10:53Well, it wasn't my fault, my secretary did it.
10:56Yes, I probably will be sacking her, actually.
10:58Oh!
11:00Oh!
11:02Anthea!
11:04It's all right, it's all right.
11:07Are you honestly saying...
11:09Oh, you are?
11:10Right, well, look, listen, why don't we settle this quietly?
11:13I'll bung you half a monkey, you get yourself a nice frock or something.
11:16Not happy doing that? OK, OK, fine, yep, bye-bye.
11:20What's the matter?
11:22Nothing, it's personal.
11:23Is it connected with the £33,000 you've got lying around your bank account?
11:28Who told you?
11:29Tony rang us.
11:32Yes, yes, I'll hold.
11:35Oh, what a surprise, green sleeves.
11:37What a musical bloody treat.
11:41Sorry, is my head swivelling or something?
11:44You said you had to have a bigger pay rise than us
11:46because you didn't have any money.
11:48You said you were going to have to take a part-time job as a nanny
11:51to make ends meet.
11:54Yes, hello, I'd like to report a stolen credit card, please.
11:57I need to stop all payments immediately.
12:00She's gone to get a form.
12:02You didn't buy us Christmas presents
12:04because you said you needed the money to buy a loaf of bread for Christmas Day.
12:07And a sausage for Boxing Day.
12:10Yes, well, I was lying.
12:13Hello? Yes, the name's Gary Strang.
12:16Now, I don't know exactly how it went missing,
12:18but I did brush against a nurse outside the local hospital
12:21and I think my wallet may have gone missing then.
12:24Yep, about five foot two.
12:26Dark hair.
12:28What?!
12:46Oh!
12:53Oh!
13:06Bermuda Triangle
13:08Look at it from my angle
13:12Bermuda Triangle
13:14Look at it from my angle
13:21I did knock.
13:23Is that a slimming machine?
13:25Where?
13:26Oh!
13:28Oh, er...
13:29Yeah.
13:31I wanted to apologise for going on yesterday about you putting on weight.
13:36It's horrible when men do it to women and...
13:39well, I shouldn't have.
13:43Don't worry about me.
13:45I'm just, er, doing a bit of fine-tuning to me muscles, you know.
13:51Where did you get it from?
13:52Oh, Ken, the landlord down at the Crown.
13:55Do you know, when he was at school, they used to call him Fat Ken.
13:59It's no wonder people spend their lives feeling obsessed about their weight.
14:03Kids can be so cruel.
14:05No, this was the teachers.
14:09But it was good because another really fat kid called Ken joined the school,
14:13so Ken became known as Not-As-Fat-As-Really-Fat-Ken-Ken.
14:18Oh, quite a range.
14:20Mm.
14:21A hip, thigh and arse diet.
14:23Yeah.
14:24It's like the hip and thigh diet, only it's more about arses.
14:27Arses, yes.
14:28Yeah, yeah.
14:29Fat is a feminist issue.
14:31Hey, Lardy, the new lad's diet book.
14:36I'm not on a diet.
14:37Ken left me here by mistake.
14:39He's been on this binge diet cycle for years.
14:42Mainly binge, you know.
14:43Just wanted me to show him some exercises,
14:45you know, to sort of firm him up.
14:51Tony, why don't you admit you're on a diet?
14:55I think more of you, to be honest.
14:57I'm on a diet.
14:59But why are you so ashamed about admitting it?
15:02Diet's for girls.
15:03What?
15:04Diet's for girls.
15:05No, they're not.
15:07Where do you find you put the weight on?
15:09It's just here on me tummy.
15:11It's hard to shift, isn't it?
15:13Yeah, problem areas, eh?
15:15You know, with me, it goes straight to my bottom.
15:18Oh, sure.
15:23I only put weight on because I'm trying to live up
15:27to an impossible role model imposed on a society
15:30geared blindly to youthfulness.
15:32So it's nothing to do with a big, greasy breakfast, then?
15:35No.
15:37So, if I lose me gut, will you sleep with me?
15:40No, Tony.
15:41It'd be a really good incentive for me.
15:43I don't care.
15:44I'll let you go on top and everything.
15:47That makes no difference.
15:49Oh, OK.
15:51So, which diet are you going to go on?
15:53Well, I was thinking about the cod liver oil diet,
15:56but I just realised that, well, that would make me vomit,
15:59so I thought I'd try that one.
16:02Oh, the lager diet.
16:04What a surprise.
16:06The lager diet.
16:08What a surprise.
16:10You know, Tony, having one thing in your diet
16:12really isn't very healthy.
16:14Yeah, I know, it's OK, cos you're allowed to smoke as well.
16:19Thanks, pizza bloke.
16:20Keep the change, even though it's nearly £1.50.
16:26Oh, Gary, don't you think you've rather overdone it?
16:29No.
16:36Tony, are you sure that you don't want some?
16:39Yeah, yeah.
16:41How's your diet going, mate?
16:43It's brilliant.
16:44Do you know, I really don't feel hungry at all.
16:48So, um, how long's it been, Tony?
16:51Er...
16:53One hour, 18 minutes.
16:56Tony...
16:58you've got a little bit of dribble coming out of here.
17:01Thanks.
17:03Look, if it doesn't work,
17:05I'm sure Gary would be glad to pay for you to go to a health farm
17:08out of his vast personal fortune.
17:10Er, yeah.
17:12Or I was thinking that you could buy me a van,
17:15like the one I used to have, you know,
17:17only this one wouldn't explode so much.
17:19Or an enormous drum.
17:21I've always wanted an enormous drum to hit.
17:23Hello?
17:25Hello, Clive.
17:27Who told you?
17:30No, I won't buy you anything.
17:34Um, Gary,
17:36guess who I got a phone call from this afternoon.
17:40The actor Christopher Timothy?
17:43No.
17:46The police.
17:49The pop group?
17:52No, the law enforcement group.
17:54Right.
17:56They told me that you'd rang them
17:58and said that I'd stolen your credit card.
18:00No, no, no, no, no.
18:01What I actually said was that I'd...
18:03Gary, here's your chequebook.
18:06Write a cheque for £5,000, please.
18:09And if I don't, you'll never...
18:11Never have sex with you again, that's right.
18:15Please don't make me...
18:17£5,000!
18:21Hello?
18:23Mm-hm.
18:25Mm.
18:27Gary, do you want to buy Clive a dog?
18:29No.
18:31No, Clive doesn't.
18:33There.
18:36So, that's the name you're going under these days, is it?
18:40Jean-Jean Gabor.
18:52You've added holes to that cardigan deliberately.
18:55No, I haven't.
18:58Strang.
19:00No, you cannot have any money.
19:02I've told you, and the same goes for Dad.
19:13Yes?
19:14I've had a request from my friend
19:16who runs the Dorking Ramblers.
19:18She says the society's going to go under
19:20unless they have some funds immediately.
19:23So, am I so horrible that that's all I mean to people now,
19:26just a walking wallet?
19:27Yes. I'm afraid so.
19:29Why? It's still the same old Gary,
19:31the same old cheery anecdotes,
19:33the same old smiley personality.
19:36Strang.
19:38No, Clive, you cannot have a dinghy.
19:42Ah, yes, Marjorie knows an elderly lady
19:44whose fence was blown up.
19:46Oh, no, I mean, no, I've had enough of this, right?
19:49I've had enough of this.
19:54Oh...
19:59Hungry.
20:02Very hungry.
20:08Oh...
20:10No.
20:12Must be strong.
20:24Oh, no!
20:46Oh, no!
20:53Not to lose more weight!
21:24Ah!
21:26Ah!
21:53What else?
21:56Ah!
22:22Oh, no!
22:24How did that happen? It's gone up!
22:54Ah!
23:10Hello.
23:12I've spent all my money.
23:14Well done, mate!
23:16Now you're just like me again.
23:18Yeah.
23:20What have you bought?
23:22Oh, no!
23:27Hello, Dorothy.
23:29Come downstairs, I've got something to show you.
23:33No, it's got nothing to do with my genitals this time.
23:37It's something for you and Deborah.
23:42Parrot's lager!
23:48Mmm!
23:50So, none of your money's left, then?
23:52No, mate, it's all gone.
23:54Because when all is said and done, what does money get you, actually?
23:58Actually?
23:59Erm, a good time, personal dignity, mobility
24:03and lots of shallow but attractive young chicks.
24:06Yeah, there is that.
24:08Hello, girls.
24:10I've spent all my money.
24:12Wait till you see what I got you.
24:14Oh, I can see you're on the bits-of-sale pizza diet.
24:19These were really expensive.
24:24And there's one for you.
24:27And there's one for my mate.
24:29These are, erm, fake, presumably.
24:31No, they've all got certificates
24:34and you got an extra one for being my girlfriend.
24:39No, Gary.
24:41Now, go on, it's not an easy job, I know that.
24:45Well...
24:47I... I feel terrible now.
24:50Well, you spent 15 years in a job you hate
24:53and saved up all your money and now...
24:56Well, I've spent it all now.
24:59You never get the balance quite right, do you?
25:02Eh?
25:06Eight. Eight.
25:10Yeah! Three.
25:14No chance. I'm nervous.
25:17Really nervous.
25:20Oh, yeah! Get out of jail, free card!
25:24Is that just for Monopoly or does it work in real life, too?
25:28I think it's just for Monopoly.
25:30Oh.
25:34You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know,
25:40is that it is a temple.
25:42Yeah.
25:44It's just that my temple seems to have grown
25:47into a slightly larger temple.
25:50With a big wobbly dome.
25:53Anyway, there's a lot of nonsense talked about fat, isn't there?
25:57I mean, nobody ever went up to Winston Churchill and said,
26:01hey, Winnie, you can't lead Great Britain into victory
26:04in the Second World War because you're a bit of a chubber.
26:09Excuse me, Mr Meatloaf,
26:11you seem to be carrying a few extra pounds around.
26:14I'm afraid you can make no more hit records
26:16until you can squeeze into some smaller denims.
26:21Do you want another oyster?
26:23No, thanks, mate. I disagree with me.
26:26No, we don't.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:58So, what's it like to be poor, then?
27:01Well, you know, the good thing about giving five grand
27:04is I've done my bit and I own me own operating table.
27:09That's good, that.
27:11So I could be sat in a pub with my mates,
27:13I could say, well, let's go sit round my operating table.
27:16We'd all go round there and all the physicians,
27:19they're in the middle of an operation.
27:21A head operation. Yeah.
27:23Or an operation to remove an unexplained vegetable
27:25from a human aperture.
27:27Yeah.
27:29And I'd just say, excuse me,
27:31me and my mates want to sit round me operating table
27:33and we'd just chat and all the medical people would leave.
27:36Yeah.
27:38Hey.
27:40Thanks for me watch, mate.
27:42Oh, don't. I'm really touched.
27:44You're making me blush.
27:47They are all fakes, though, aren't they?
27:50Course they are. Yeah.
27:52How did you tell?
27:54Well, mine's going backwards, see?
27:57Here are some, pick yourself another.
28:00Have this one, this one's good,
28:02because this one has got 21 jewels.
28:04Huh? What's that for, then?
28:06No idea.
28:08So, you've got almost all your money left over, then?
28:13Yeah. Yeah?
28:15Shh, not a word.
28:17So, how many standard cans of lager
28:21would that buy, then, in the offy?
28:23If you think I'm going to fritter away
28:25my hard-earned about 31,684...
28:33I'll pick some up in the morning.
28:35Yeah.
28:55¶¶¶