Men Behaving Badly. S01 E01. Intruders.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 18th February 1992.  Deborah moves into the apartment above Gary and Dermot.  Harry Enfield ... Dermot Martin Clunes ... Gary Leslie Ash ... Deborah Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy Ian Lindsay ... George Valerie Minifie ... Anthea

Transcript

00:00You

00:30I

01:00Oh

01:12Yeah, I left your teabag in I thought my tongue had fallen out for a minute

01:17Well, you won't be needing your tongue now Lisa's ditched you will you?

01:22We're supposed to be going on holiday together, I've already bought my flip-flops

01:26You can't afford a holiday. I can

01:30Tax rebate tax rebate. You've never stayed in a job long enough to pay tax

01:34Oh, maybe they give you money back if you collect enough p45

01:41I'll buy Lisa a fabulous present something with a lot of straps

01:46Aren't you forgetting something?

01:48Do I owe you some of this? No Dermot you owe me all of it

01:51If you buy so much as a newspaper with it, I'll nail your head to the fridge

01:55How am I supposed to keep this mortgage up if you don't pay the rent?

01:58You could always sell one of your kidneys

02:04You're really upset about that girl, aren't you?

02:08You you want to talk about it

02:12Yeah, I wouldn't mind yeah

02:15Well, it's always gonna be sad when you first split up with someone, you know, you remember all the little things you used to do together

02:24What was she like in bed was she a moaner

02:28All right

02:30I'm cooking tonight. What do you fancy anything that takes my mind off sex toad in the hole

02:40Something wobbly and an oyster sauce. Yes. Okay

02:43Snap out of it. You've got a new job to look forward to today. Great

02:47Selling is a very challenging occupation. I'm no good at it

02:50I'll tell you what if you drop into the office at lunchtime

02:53You can give me the money you owe me and I'll teach you how to deal with the public

02:56Well, I thought I'd just sort of let them mill about

03:00Mill about what's supposed to happen then?

03:03Well, I hope they you know, go home

03:07Then I can't work it out. You're either very stupid or you're very very stupid

03:13It's Dorothy coming over tonight. Yeah, I don't know just turns up these days

03:19I'm gonna dump her why

03:21We've been going out together for two years. She's worn out

03:26Oh

03:29She's be really enthusiastic in bed and then she met you

03:34No, I mean she knows what I like I know what she likes

03:39After a while you want it the way you like it. Oh with someone else. Yeah

03:44So, how are you gonna tell her?

03:47Well, I have to make it look like it's her decision

03:50Start with the moody silence. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll give her a couple of hours moody silence. Loll your head a bit. Yeah

03:57Lull my head

03:59Moody silence then I'll ask her for my keys back. So I need a bit of time to discover myself

04:05She'll say that's it. Our relationship is going backwards. Let's call it a day and I'll look shattered

04:11Call her a cab before she changes her mind. Yeah, good idea

04:14I'll stand in the window all sort of tearful waving the cab off a little eyes all wet lip all quivery

04:24Then you mean go and get a pizza

04:30That's the thing, isn't it I mean 20 years ago where men had no respect for women they just used to say you're chucked

04:37But now we do respect them. We have to lie to them sensitively

04:44I

04:50Can't

04:51The wheel clamp. Yes, you're already familiar with the door knob. Yes

04:57Look at that a

04:58knob wheel

05:01It's a door clamp George the crap idea

05:06I won't hurt you probably I

05:09I couldn't understand some of your last tape the letter to Burrage security products. So I've tentatively typed in

05:17disappointing standard of design

05:19I've warned you about this before haven't I auntie?

05:21I want you to go away and put back in what I actually said

05:24Conceived by a moron and engineered by a git is how I believe I phrase

05:29You don't think that's a bit

05:31Undiplomatic auntie. Yeah, we are trying to sell reliable security equipment here

05:34These people send me a safe that a small animal could open with a bag over its head

05:39Perhaps we could settle for adding the word utterly to my suggestion. I'm sorry auntie. My git is not negotiable. I

05:47Let you take my bollocks out last week. They left a nasty

05:54You really take security seriously, don't you? Well George

05:58I'm just trying to create a crime-free society where children can grow up free from corruption

06:02I don't know why I hate the little bastards, but they

06:05Well, perhaps you ought to move to the country like Marjorie and me don't get much crime there

06:11Bit of pilfering from bird tables, but otherwise

06:15Logan a flat upstairs for me moved out yesterday. I reckon we'll have squatters in before you can say government housing policy

06:21That's a biro. You're sharpening George. I

06:25Could never be a squatter, you know having to share the bathroom with people you haven't been properly introduced to

06:33I

06:35George

06:37How are you? Oh, I can't complain

06:39depressed poor totally shagged out

06:42How'd it go this morning? I was very busy. I'd spent half the morning hiding inside a kitchen cabinet until it calmed down

06:50Standard of workmanship in those cabinets is incredible, you know, I mean you expect the odd screw head to show

06:55Wouldn't you should be out there selling pushing yourself? Shouldn't he George? Yes got to be aggressive

07:03Salesman show me what you can do sell that to George

07:09Do you wanna buy this George not really

07:14All right, let's recreate market conditions you're trying to sell this security device to George who's a little old lady

07:22Could I be Welsh eh, I'd like to be a little old Welsh lady

07:27If it helps, yeah

07:29Am I gonna be Welsh too? It always comes out Pakistani

07:33Doesn't bloody matter just do it. Will you this is for your benefit

07:39Madam the impregnator on door clamp provides a second line of defense against unwelcome guests. Well, that's a mercy

07:50I'll just get my assistant to show you how it works

07:55This mobile marvel fits easily over handles rendering the door unopenable. Yes. Thank you. I'll have one of those

08:02great, so

08:03When do you leave Wales and come to London then? Oh, it's quite a funny story attached to that

08:09We were out gathering sleet and so

08:13Oh, I enjoyed that. Can I play it with a stutter next? No

08:18Dermot have you got me the money?

08:20Tonight. All right. Yeah

08:23That's not bad, is it?

08:25British ingenuity

08:26That would have taken 400 strong Japanese working around the clock to come up with an idea like that

08:32Even the most determined intruder will have trust

08:38You're like a bull in a Chinese shop, aren't you?

08:45Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible

08:50I

09:00Crushed the peppercorns in a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well, I haven't got one deal here

09:09If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon

09:19I

09:32Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again

09:36How'd it go?

09:38knackered

09:39Fell asleep against this woman on the bus

09:43She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her show

09:50I

09:51Tell me you're your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board

09:56Not for me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas

10:01That makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi-naked women in bits of white underwear

10:06Not really these sofas already had semi-naked women in them

10:11Squeezed up to let me sit down

10:13That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex. It's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food

10:20I

10:25What are you cooking anyway, well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish in a rather subtle juniper sauce

10:31Followed by jelly and ice cream with hundreds and thousands. Yeah good

10:36Need something to take my mind off Lisa. Yeah, I thought all my best beer matrix

10:43Why did she leave me if she shouldn't have slept with her best friend

10:50Women don't like that much today her teeth went all kind of clenched like in Dallas

11:02Is this mine no good I'm gonna change I'll change it for something useful like a curry

11:08I

11:19Think a woman's gonna move in upstairs. I found a letter addressed to someone called Debra great. What's it say?

11:33Mother enjoyed a holiday in France, but the weather was a bit disappointing

11:37France I was your Deborah. You muppet there. No, I'm sensitive and artistic

11:48Yeah, it's on the side I'll bring it out in a minute

11:58German oh

12:00I

12:03See it's a duvet

12:05Well silly old me I thought for a minute there you'd spent all the money you owe me on a new suit you

12:09piece of scum

12:12I'm looking after it for a friend. No, you're not

12:15It's an investment. No, it isn't. It's a bloody new bloody suit you bastard

12:22It's not my fault whenever I see a check I go out of control. I'm the same with tight black skirts actually

12:30We are talking about here. What would you say if I emptied your wallet and went out on a spending spree?

12:34I'd say what can you buy these days for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down a beach? Shut up

12:41And what else have you bought for yourself? Nothing?

12:45Well, what's in that bag? Oh, it's a cookery book

12:49You expect me to believe that do you you're always saying you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time

12:56Yeah, all right not there's anything wrong with fish fingers she'll clap toast

13:03Take those stupid sunglasses off

13:07That's something women find hard to believe isn't it two men can have a quiet evening in on their own enjoying a thoughtful and civilized

13:13conversation

13:15What were you talking about this morning?

13:18Patsy Kensett's bicycle

13:20No

13:24No, no about you chucking Dorothy

13:26You sure, you know what you're doing? Yeah

13:29She taught you everything, you know, like what Oh sex

13:34The way I'd heard it you've been pressing all the wrong buttons down there for years

13:39Well, she put me right in a few technical details. Yes. She said it was like sleeping with a badly informed Labrador

13:51Oh

13:51Honestly the potholes in your road

13:53Lily came off my bike twice 12-hour ship without so much as a Mars bar between bedpans

13:58Then the lifts go on the blinker. I've got a hysterectomy stuck between two floors

14:03Evening darling. Don't tell me you were cooking Gary

14:07Hello dermis. Hello Dorothy. You're looking well hear that Gary a

14:12Compliment remember compliments they embarrass me. Anyway, you know, you're looking well. You're a nurse

14:21I

14:21Thought I'd pay you a spontaneous visit. What have you two been up to?

14:25Yeah, you know discussing life women the meaning of it all

14:30That's what turns me on about you Gary

14:32You're not just a burglar alarm salesman. You're also fantastically shallow

14:38If you must know I was trying to comfort poor Dermot who's sitting there destroyed for the love of a woman

14:44So I'm beginning to pick up the pieces

14:47And I prefer it if you didn't arrive like this unannounced and interrupt your brain dead ideas about women

14:54Yeah, well, I'm gonna go run myself a bath

15:00See what I mean, she just barges in well you gave her the keys and he says she could let herself out I

15:09Don't see what the problem is. I wouldn't at least we'll get a clean bath at the end of it

15:15I'll tell you mate. It's over. I'm gonna start the moody silences

15:23You started yet, you're gonna wait for her to come back

15:41What's the matter with your neck

15:45The funniest thing happened to me at the hospital today this bloke came in with an aubergine

15:51Can you pay a bit of attention? I mean something's wrong here

15:55That what it is

15:57Look I'd like my keys back. You want to finish with me. Is that it go that inside?

16:07No, I

16:10Just think that we both need more time on my own

16:16To

16:17Discover myself to thank you to discover myself. I mean, it's nothing to do with you. It's all it's all me. I mean a

16:25Personal space thing and I need the personal space

16:30to discover

16:32The person within myself. It's a it's a it's a it's it's a voyage of discovery

16:39You see what I mean

16:49So

16:51You think we should split up then? I do if you're unhappy. Yes. Yeah

16:57And you can cope with the idea of being on your own. Well hasn't been much fun lately. Has it hasn't it?

17:04Something I think the only thing that's keeping us together is sex

17:06Yeah, even with a badly informed Labrador as Dermot informed me sorry Dorothy

17:15Well

17:18Here are your keys

17:23So this is it

17:25Seems to be and you're okay. Well

17:31Obviously you don't go out with the person for two years without I know I know I know I'm upset too

17:35I was gonna say without wanting to try out a few other people

17:39There's no need to be callous if you want to finish it fine

17:44I'll just have to go on with my life

17:47See how things work out with Graham

17:51Graham

17:57Friend what sort of friend?

18:00Friend

18:02You know

18:04friend

18:05What the talking to kind of friend or the taking each other's clothes off kind of friend?

18:11Isn't it well you're honest with someone you make a commitment to them and then you find out they got a bloody friend

18:20What's this friend got that I haven't well, he doesn't just sit there adjusting his underwear he talks to me I talk to you

18:27He's sensitive. I'm sensitive. He's a doctor

18:30I'm sensitive

18:34I

18:37Look perhaps I don't need quite so much time to myself. I

18:44Can't bear the thought of not sleeping with you again. I

18:49Know

18:53I'm a bit confused. I

18:56Know

18:58Do you love me noodle? I love you donkey

19:05I

19:10Didn't tell me I had a new friend Thomas. We haven't known each other long. Hi, I'm Deborah. I bought the flat upstairs

19:16Hello, Gary flat downstairs

19:19Yeah, oh, this is a Dorothy's my she's a nurse

19:24Does anyone know what this is yes, I took the precaution of

19:28Mobilizing your door total security see I just touched it and it fell off. Yeah. Yeah

19:33Well, they're the concept still need some fine-tuning. It fell onto the bridge of my foot

19:39Treatment I'll be giving it I'm fine. You put your foot in a sling or something

19:43No, thanks, but I have to go measure up. I'm moving in tomorrow

19:46Oh, you can't go measuring up after a serious foot injury. Yeah have some wine

19:50So

19:55Will you be living in a sharing situation? No. Oh, do you all live in this flat? No, no, no

20:02No, she lives with her mother miles away

20:07So, uh, it's just you then on your own yes at the moment

20:13Just the one person then. I know let's run through the numbers again. Shall we?

20:19So you bought the upstairs flat or the flat upstairs as we call it

20:29Have you got anyone helping you move in? Yeah, a friend of mine's got a van. He's gonna give me a hand

20:33I'm afraid there'll be a bit of humping upstairs

20:41Well, if you need me, I'm completely here

20:43But your bathroom is just above my bedroom so I can hear you taking a shower

20:53Anyway, tell me about yourselves. Well Gary and I have been going out together for a couple of years now

21:01But we were just off to bed weren't we donkey

21:06You

21:08Well, we can get to know each other properly later on yes, yes

21:14Yes, and you drop in any time at all night or day or dusk

21:19Actually, I wanted to ask you a favor

21:21I don't have a spare set of front door keys and I was hoping I could borrow some from you

21:27Uh-oh. Look here are some

21:32For our front door in case your facilities haven't been connected up yet. You need to borrow some electricity

21:39Thanks, that's kind. Oh wait, I've brought a little moving in present. Oh

21:46Thanks chocolates. They're Belgian. Never mind. That's love

21:53Really

21:55Absolutely. Brilliant. Wait a minute. I've got a present for you. I'll go and get it

21:59Unfortunately chocolate irritates Gary's bowels

22:01Oh

22:03Dear, well, it's so difficult to know what to buy especially for me. I find Gary responds well to anything from a toy shop

22:10I bought this to well to give to ever moved in upstairs

22:15You think it's appropriate. Absolutely. He can read that and then try out some of the ideas on us

22:23You really didn't have

22:25I

22:29Let's make love your guide to improbable sex

22:34You don't waste much time do you?

22:44It's meant to be a cookery book you are pathetic

22:48Pathetic

22:53Sorry about my flatmate embarrassing

22:57Let me take this off you and burn it. I ought to be going. What's so soon? Let's get together sometime for a meal

23:10She fancies me

23:18You

23:48You

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