First broadcast 6th November 1997.
After Gary has proposed to Dorothy, with a condom as a ring, they embark on their stag and hen nights.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Race Davies ... Sally-Anne
Clare Perkins ... Deborah's Friend
After Gary has proposed to Dorothy, with a condom as a ring, they embark on their stag and hen nights.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Race Davies ... Sally-Anne
Clare Perkins ... Deborah's Friend
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00What's on? I can't tell, the screen's too small.
00:22We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd
00:26split up. Close the door quietly on your way out, then. Gary, when I was away on that sailing
00:35weekend, did you sleep with someone? Sorry? When I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
00:50How do you mean, woman? A woman, you know? They're the ones with what you and Tony call
00:59shirt potatoes. Did you? No, no, no way. No way, absolutely not. Ask Tony. Yeah, you did
01:11then. It was the most meaningless experience of my life. It meant as much to me as putting
01:18a tortoise in his box for the winter. You said yourself, love, sex without commitment
01:23is just two people stuffing body parts into each other. And to be fair, you've done quite
01:28a bit of stuffing yourself. Let's not do stuffing with other people anymore. Well, I've got
01:34it out of my system. You could lock me in a room full of women wearing nothing but little
01:37white pants and I'd probably just want to chat. Maybe we should get married. No, I mean
01:45it. Yeah, all right, we tried everything else. Do you know what I mean though? It might
01:54show people that we're serious about each other. Wouldn't buying a dog make the same
01:59point but in a slightly more fun way? Maybe we could relax, stop looking over our shoulders
02:05for something better. And could we have a proper telly in bed? Yeah. All right, let's
02:12get married. Propose to me properly.
02:17Oh, Gary. It's lovely.
03:17So is Dorothy going to wear white? No, I think she's thinking of brown or grey. Oh, look
03:44at that. Wedding night lingerie. Oh, God. Oh, blimey. Beer? Yeah. Do you reckon you'll
04:11ever get married? Oh, yeah. I'd marry Deb's tomorrow. Yeah, of course. Oh, no, I can't
04:17do tomorrow. I've just remembered they're giving away free teas down the library. You
04:21know, the great thing about marriage is you can stop all that messing about. It's like
04:25the old saying, isn't it? Why go out for a steak when you've got a hamburger at home?
04:29No, I've got that wrong, haven't I? Yeah. Still, sometimes you really want to wolf down
04:36Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me? Of course,
04:50mate. Oh, mate. So, the stag night. Oh, the stag night. Can I say, let's not have it
05:02too sleazy. I just want a bit of a cliché, all that. Yeah, right. Strippers, obviously.
05:07Obviously. So, looking forward to it? Yeah. I just feel a bit sad that I'm not marrying
05:26someone else. Come on, Gary's sort of special. What other man would offer to pierce his
05:35nipples as a wedding present? Tony. Apart from Tony. Yeah, maybe that's the problem.
05:43I mean, you could never imagine if Humphrey Bogart had married Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca
05:49that he'd have been happy to spend his honeymoon night dabbing disinfectant on his nipples.
06:02Hello, Tony. Hello, Tony. Hello, Dorothy. Or should I say, hello, Gary's future little
06:14lady. Yes, you can say that, but I'll have to kill you. It's weird, isn't it? In a week's
06:22time, you are going to be Gary's other half. I thought we'd already established that Gary's
06:27two halves are Homer Simpson and Ethel Merman. How's it going, Tony? Oh, did I tell you?
06:33Gary's asked me to be his best man. Yeah, we had that first. I have to arrange a stag night
06:39And it says here in my little book, allow the groom to have fun, but do not let his
06:45behaviour destroy the marriage. So I thought I'd come up here and see if there's anything
06:49you didn't want us to do. I'll just leave that up to your conscience, shall I? Oh, so
06:54where does that leave me on sucking whipped cream off a... Yeah, all right, I don't want
06:58to know the details. Fine. So how's the studying going, Debs? Really well. Yeah? Need any
07:07help with any stories? We don't do stories, Tony. We do essays. Oh. Put the bra back,
07:15Tony. Tony, you're looking a bit... What, groovy? No. Snazzy? No. A bit pathetic. Are
07:36you sure you're keeping your mind active enough these days? Yeah. I work down the ground
07:41two nights a week. That keeps me mind as sharp as a stick. What do you do with the days?
07:48Well, in the mornings, I tend to just sit and just sit. And then I have lunch. Cheese
07:55sandwich on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Baked bean sandwich on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
08:01And then I just, erm, sit again. Until children's TV comes on telly. And have a cup of tea and
08:09a biscuit. Except on Fridays when I have a small cake. So it's a full life, then? Yeah,
08:18brilliant. Have you thought of getting a regular job? Oh, no. Routines, you see. I'm no good
08:24at routines. Oh, now, there's a job advertised on the hospital notice board. They need agents
08:29for birthing pools. You'd work from home. What's a birthing pool? Well, it's for women
08:34who want to have their babies at home and give birth in water. That's a bit weird, isn't
08:40it? Yeah, never mind. No, I'm interested. Knickers, Tony. Yes, well, the same to you
09:03sit on it and swivel. So that's a no. George, did you have a stag night? Oh, yes. Some chums
09:12and I went to see the film Whistle Down the Wind, starring Hayley Mills. That was it,
09:19was it? We had a sherry beforehand. Glad to hear it. For a minute there I thought it was
09:24all a bit tame. Colin Atwater, Gary Strang. Remember we met at the Happy Eater just outside
09:31Taunton in 1992. Anyway, I'm getting married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, well, I just wondered
09:38if you'd like to come to my stag night. Well, how do you know you're busy? I haven't told
09:44you when it is. No, no, no. It's your decision. Yep. Bye. Specky. Are you having trouble finding
09:55chums for your stag night? No. Well, at least you can count on Tony and George. Oh, I don't
10:01think it's the sort of thing George would enjoy, really. Why? What will you be doing?
10:06Well, you know. Oh, no, you don't, do you? Well, over the years certain traditions have
10:12grown up whereby the groom is encouraged to drink alcohol until he bleeds and then indulge
10:16in... Simon Watkins, it's Gary Strang! We met at the Barnet Sales Forum in 1989. When
10:24did he leave? Oh, well, do you want to come to my stag night? No, that's fine. OK, bye.
10:33OK, you can come. Oh, thank you. Not you. Hello, Cheeks. Yeah. I was just wondering
10:46if your club would be suitable for a small group of men on an outing. Yeah? And do the
10:55women, like, take all their clothes off? Yeah? And then they, like, put them all back on
11:05again. Oh, no, no, fair dos. One of our gentlemen isn't as young as he used to be. Can he be
11:13lap dancing? Yeah? Good. He'll be the one wearing the cardigan. OK, bye. Yeah, see you
11:23tomorrow.
11:54Yes!
11:56Yes!
12:27What are you doing? I'm renting out these birthing pools to women that are, like, knocked
12:32up. Bit weird, isn't it? That's what I said. What's this bit? Don't know. Umbilical cord?
12:40That'll be for straining the baby, I suppose, won't it? I think I'd better do the course.
12:50Yes. Hey, I've arranged tomorrow night. Yeah? Is it going to be... Oh, yeah, yeah. Without
12:56being too... Oh, no. Dorothy!
13:09Just a wild guest. Are you off on your stag night? Just a few quiet drinks. I hear you
13:15took that job Dorothy told you about. Yeah, yeah, after what you said about expanding
13:18me mind. Oh, that's good, cos I think you've got potential, you know. Yeah, and you see,
13:22the mind is like a loaf of bread. It needs the yeast of experience in order to rise.
13:27Excuse me, excuse me, can we not be sensitive on my stag night, please? Sorry, mate. I've
13:31got a friend who's interested in one of those pools. Here, I'll give you her number. Oh.
13:35Do you want to come with us? No! No girls. Oh, sorry, mate. I can't anyway, it's Dorothy's
13:45head night. Oh, where are you two off to? Las Vegas? Listen, I'm not apologising. On
13:53my last night of proper freedom for doing what men do, this is my stag night. I shall
13:58be acting like a stag. Don't overdo it, love. Alright, love. Go on.
14:29I don't understand why we couldn't use your bed. Which is your bathroom? It's the quite
14:40small room with the bath in it. I'm Gary. Hi, Gary. Listen, it's only fair to warn you,
14:48I'm getting married in a few days. Oh, dear. Yeah, what I'm trying to say is you're lovely
14:54from what I remember, but we probably haven't got a very long-term future. Well, that's
15:01my life in ruins. Only fair to warn you.
15:21Tony. Tony, Tony. I think I just slept with a woman. I know I did.
15:29Do I look creased in this? Promise you won't tell Dorothy? Oh, why? Because it's not very
15:37nice. How would you like it? It would have been very nice, but I could only afford one
15:40woman. Do you mean you paid for her to sleep with me? Well, to be fair, mate, why did you
15:49think she was here when we got back? Oh, I thought she'd seen me and followed me home
15:55in a nice way. Why would she do that? Because she liked me. Sorry, mate. Hey, what was it
16:06like? I can't really remember that much of it. She didn't seem very involved. When I
16:16rang round, I tried to find one that you'd like. You know, her parents come from the
16:20West Country, same as yours. Cheers, mate. Look, Dorothy said she didn't want to know
16:27what you were up to. Believe me, she'd want to know if I spent the night with some tart.
16:32I understand you're familiar with Central Somerset. Well, more Devon, really. Oh, lovely.
16:39Well, thanks, that was great. I wonder if I could ask you to leave quite quietly. In
16:44fact, don't take me wrong, would you mind leaving under a blanket? Yeah, I would. I
16:49could get you a nice one. I'm going now. Well, look, we've been having a little bit of trouble
16:54with the sticky front door and we've been coming and going through the front window.
16:57Slides up quite easily. Bye. Bye.
17:19What's up, mate? There was a man! Honestly, you're paying good money and you've got a
17:31bloody transsexual! No, no, no, no, no. From upstairs. One of the girls must have had a
17:40bloke in there last night. Oh, I hope it was Dorothy. Yeah. Sorry, mate.
17:55So, how was last night? Anyone throw up? Ah, George felt a bit dizzy at one point, but
18:03I think that was from clutching his train timetable too tightly. So do they strip you
18:08naked, cover you in treacle and leave you tied to railings? That's dying out. Did you
18:14have a nice evening? Oh, yeah. Lots of girly talk about relationships, holiday plans, hair
18:22care, you know. What did you get up to? Oh, you know, pub, club, restaurant, the usual.
18:30You? Circus, laundrette, bat cave, you know, the usual. Where's Deborah? Oh, she spent
18:38the night with her friend Claire. Gary, I've got a confession to make. Really? Last night
18:53I had a... a thing. It was completely meaningless. Well, that's the end of that, then, isn't
19:06it? You might be interested to know that I spent the night with someone last night as
19:15well as someone rather special, actually. How is Clive? No, actually, not Clive. Actually,
19:23a woman. And out of respect for you, I wouldn't let her sleep with me in our bedroom. Now
19:29that's commitment. Commitment? Commitment. Well, clearly this whole thing is a terrible
19:43mistake. Yes, it clearly is. Yes. Yes. Right. See you around, then. So, the water supports
20:04and soothes during the stages of labour, providing drug-free relief in a calming environment.
20:11Oh, good. Do ask any questions. I have done a course. OK. Um... I loved Epps, you know.
20:18Yeah, she said you were quite keen. So, what temperature should the water be maintained
20:24at? It started off as a sort of a sexual thing, but over the years it's changed into a general
20:30obsession. I nearly gave up, to be honest. But what's good is how women, when they reach
20:35their thirties, start to lower their standards. Tony, can you come in? It's like footballers,
20:44isn't it? When they're young, they all want to play for Man United. By the time they get
20:49to Deb's age, it's, ooh, Stenhouse Newark, brilliant. And I've always had a lot of respect
20:54for Basildon Athletic. Are you all right? It's starting, Tony. What is? Oh. Snap out
21:13of it, George. These things happen on stag nights. We're just a nightclub with some nice
21:17topless ladies, not the last days of Sodom and Gomorrah. What's happening to the world?
21:23George, you're not the first man to be encouraged to push his face between a lady's jiggling
21:28bosoms. I didn't know where to put myself. Well, if it's any consolation, I think she
21:36was just as surprised as you to see you'd wedged your briefcase in her cleavage. I'm
21:45going out to buy some biscuits. Good. Is he any better? A bit. At least he's stopped
21:52that scary humming. Antia, can I confide in you? Oh, yes, of course. What are you doing?
22:03Oh, I'm so sorry. Antia, George is right. Everything is cheap and seedy and dirty. I
22:13thought that was what you liked. Well, it is. But perhaps I'm moving away from all that.
22:21I mean, look at George. He's got a photo of his wife on his desk. He's got a packed lunch
22:25with a special cold sausage that only he and Marjorie like. He's set up a model village
22:31in his attic. I want that. Well, perhaps he'll let you borrow it. Not the model village,
22:38the lifestyle, the togetherness. Look, I'm sure you and Dorothy can patch it up. No,
22:45we can't. It's all spoiled. It'll be like marrying a great rutting rabbit. But what
22:51have you fallen out about? I know soft furnishings can be a flashpoint when you're setting up
22:57home. Yeah, soft furnishings. Of course. Hello. Hello. That sounds like a healthy
23:20pair of lungs. It's a boy. It's a girl. What are they going to call her? They're thinking
23:35of calling her Tony with an I. Oh, now that is nice. Yeah. Or Bilbo. Still, you must be
23:48so proud. Yeah, you know. You did everything right. I'm really impressed. Oh, stop it.
24:00Really? Stop it. No, don't stop, actually. No, I'm bored now.
24:09Anyway. Anyway. Do you think they're going to get back together again? Who? Gary and
24:33Dorothy? No, I can't carry on until it's all sorted out. Dorothy, we're going downstairs
24:48right now to sort this out. So are we going to get married then? It doesn't seem much
25:09point. No. At least we can both agree that sleeping with other people doesn't do anyone
25:15good. No. Still, I don't suppose I'm the first bloke to send his old policeman out
25:21on special duties the weekend before he gets married, eh? Well, that's the difference,
25:26isn't it? I apologise and you boast about it. I wasn't boasting. He wasn't boasting.
25:33I wasn't. Get out, Tony! What's this? Oh, no, Debs, please, that's just a... Go on,
25:44put it on. No. Go on, you bought it, put it on. Don't you think you're taking your
25:58medical triumphs a bit too seriously? It's only for wearing about the house, you know.
26:08Oh, Tony, Tony, all your pens are sticking in me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Our best friend's
26:19lives are being decided in the next room. Oh, please. How's it going? Oh, go away!
26:50Eleven, not bad. Yeah.
27:07So, me and Debs have decided not to rush into anything. It's only been five years, you're
27:12warming up. It's like you and marriage, isn't it? You've taken a cool, calm look at marriage
27:19and you've said yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, marriage is for me. So, after the wedding, is Dorothy
27:34going to take your name? I think she's quite attached to Dorothy, actually. I wouldn't mind
27:44changing my name. Tony Minogue. Gary Minogue. Tony Minogue. Gary Binosh.
28:03Can we get out now? Yeah.
28:33Yeah.