deaddogsmoking
  • 4 months ago
First broadcast 1st June 1995.

Tony annoys Deborah with his lack of attention span whilst they are watching television, leading to her declaring that she is fond of him but cannot date him because of his immaturity. Gary becomes suspicious meanwhile that Dorothy is seeing somebody else.

Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Chris Armstrong ... Builder
Muriel Pavlow ... Elderly Lady

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You
00:30You
00:48How long people have been living in these conditions
00:51sufficiently long to get used to them
00:53Cigarette but the flies the stifling atmosphere the beastly surroundings. This is no kind of life
01:03What was that a scream haven't you heard a scream before now, if you'll excuse me, I have a beating to attend to
01:17Who's the bloke in the air he helps run the leper colony
01:24I
01:26Was a woman in the big shoes
01:37Who's the hairy chap eating sausages, it's a dog it's not important
01:43What's going on I'm about to scream in your face
02:06Who's the bloke in the hat
02:13You
02:17Know there are some very good remedies for PMT on the market
02:22The only PMT I've got is pathetic men tension
02:29Well, you took the letters PMT just change the world
02:33Sorry
02:34God it reads these magazines Danny DeVito. Not just a fat short ass
02:39Get to know your penis bought it from the Danny DeVito article
02:48Infidelity is your girlfriend a two-timing slut. No, she's not. Thank you very much
02:53Six telltale signs to check if your chicks a cheetah
02:57One she can't help dropping a new lovers name into the conversation. Well, that's hard to tell with Dorothy
03:02She's always talking about the people she wants to sleep with
03:04Two if she is about to dump you she will tape all your LPs
03:09Three she keeps making ridiculous excuses for breaking off dates. Yeah, why didn't Dorothy come over last night? Yeah
03:18She had to stay in and put her books in alphabetical order
03:23For she loses interest in sex especially with you what we've both been tired lately actually
03:30Five
03:34She will become invasive when holiday plans are being made. Are you Dorothy going this year?
03:39Brisbane I'm booking it tomorrow. I
03:42Heard I say you're gonna play it by ear. That's right. Yeah, they've been a change of plan. We're gonna play it by you
03:49Finally your wayward wench to assuage her guilt will bring you small presents and flowers
04:01Oh, I put you another little present quarter of wine gums your favorite. Oh, and I bought back those albums I borrowed
04:11So, did you manage to arrange your books into alphabetical order? Hmm? Oh, no, I didn't get around to that in the end
04:16Oh, you think it round that how disappointing?
04:18I've got some travel brochures. I thought we could have a little flick through and choose where to go
04:23We do it another time. I'm not really in the mood. You're not in the mood
04:26Okay, how about popping into my bedroom then for some nice sexual intercourse?
04:31And do we have to I've tried it I'm not sure I like it
04:35Fine whatever. Oh
04:38Listen Gary, can we early tonight and you have to get home Tim this friend of mine at work has recommended
04:43I watch this program team. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What's he like in bed?
04:49Nothing
04:53Do you love me Dorothy? Yes
04:55What's your opinion of infidelity, what would you say if I was having a bit on the side
05:00I'd say oh, what a shame now. There are two of us women have to put up with your feet
05:06Interesting
05:10So problem Gary no, no, and you're acting very strangely even for you
05:16Have you got your tight pants on?
05:20No
05:25Oh God, this funny thing happened at work today
05:29Tim was coming down the corridor. Oh Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim again. Well, you just called Tim up
05:34We'll ask him over. Perhaps you'd like to jiggle around on Tim's Todger while I bring you a selection of tasty snacks and dips
05:44Are you suggesting I'm sleeping with someone Gary? Well, it's a bit bloody obvious, isn't it?
05:48You might as well employ a bloke to go around waggling a pair of knickers on a pole
05:53I'm going home
05:55So are you sleeping with someone?
05:58Well, that's for you to find out
06:25I
06:27I
06:55Not touching you
06:58I
07:05Yes, he's dying
07:08But regrets going to the jungle to heal the sick, you know
07:11He's thinking sod it if only I've stayed at home and I'm gone to the jungle to be all the second Tony
07:15Do you know what I hate about you most? Yeah, I do know this yet sometimes when
07:21When a cough and spit comes out
07:24No, no
07:27Okay, I haven't got a boyfriend at the moment and sometimes I think hey
07:31Why don't we get together and then you remind me that you are the most selfish self-centered person in the country
07:38I'm in it just to talk about me for a second
07:40You're saying that if I thought of people other than myself, I might have a chance of going out with you
07:45I'm a very caring person. Actually, I saved my legs ones for charity, you know
07:53You don't believe me
07:56I
08:00We're staking out her house anonymously, yeah
08:06Once you hire a bright red car
08:10Cheapest they had said we'd be all right if we parked in front of a post box
08:17The radio
08:25Yes
08:31What's Dorothy still live with her parents her mother keeps threatening to kill herself as she moves out I
08:38Think she should risk it
08:40What's your disguise? Oh
08:45A bank robber
08:48Genius if Dorothy comes out with a blow she's not gonna suspect a thing. Is she what's yours then?
08:56A
08:58Mexican yeah, you're really blending around here with our money. Yeah, maybe a foreigner. At least I'm not a bloody urban terrorist
09:05The pets are people too bad. It's for my interview for the Samaritans
09:11trying to look
09:13compassionate I
09:14Should have thought this before, you know impressed ever with my caring side
09:19She's scared off by my raw masculinity, you know
09:22Yeah, that's like me and Dorothy isn't it I mean if she is having an affair it's because she feels threatened I
09:29Mean, I'm not a psychologist as you know
09:33When I look at Dorothy these days I see one frightened little lady she's crying inside
09:41She just fancies the arse off another bloke
09:43Oh
09:48You do if you see her with a new shag
09:53Well, I'm not a psychologist as I said
09:57But she's obviously in denial
09:59I'll present her with the facts call me and then we'll discuss it like two adults
10:05And I'll go around to her blokes house and teach him to mess with my chick
10:11Yeah, well whether you like it or not there is room for violence in modern society
10:15I was just gonna shout something through his letterboxes
10:27The eagle has landed
10:40I
10:42Was it just the front bit or did they want the back bit doing as well?
11:10Ooh, well, I don't actually know, I'm afraid.
11:12Well, I mean, I can do the both, you know.
11:15I'll take a look.
11:16You'll take a look at the back? Yeah, go for it.
11:27Evening. Evening.
11:28Tea? Tea.
11:30Tea.
11:32Some fascinating stuff in here, you know.
11:34Oh, yeah. You're not still getting to know your penis, are you?
11:41Good, because ironically enough, I'd have said that of all your organs,
11:44that's the one you know the best.
11:48This is the carer magazine.
11:50Do you know there's a one-in-four chance
11:52that you'll have to be looked after by a carer?
11:54Well, as long as it's not Bill Oddie, I don't mind.
11:57Hey, did you catch Dorothy having a snog?
12:00No, not as such, but I've gathered some pretty conclusive evidence.
12:04Yeah. A bit sad, though, isn't it?
12:06Hanging around street corners, snooping on your own bird.
12:08Oh, no, it happens in all the great stormy relationships.
12:12I bet Cliff Richard couldn't nip out for a ciggy
12:14without finding Sue Barker lurking in the bushes with her Instamatic.
12:20What's this?
12:21Oh, it's my rejection letter from the Samaritans.
12:23Unfortunately, we thought your comment
12:25that these people just need to pull themselves together
12:28betrayed a lack of understanding.
12:31Nor could we agree that the best antidote to depression
12:33is drinking lager until your head spins.
12:36That's just nitpicking, isn't it?
12:39It looks like it was that close.
12:41Yeah, well, bad luck, mate.
12:43So, how are you going to impress Deborah with your compassion now?
12:47Or are you going to fall back on your cheese impressions?
12:53Bree? Yeah, yeah.
12:54That's lovely.
12:56I've got this placement as a volunteer
12:58down at the Old Folk's Day Care Centre.
13:00It's called the Good Companion Scheme.
13:02You see, you just talk to the old-timers about,
13:04well, modern-day issues, and in return,
13:06they tell you stories about rationing
13:08and when chicken used to taste like chicken.
13:11You know the best thing about being old?
13:14Cardigans.
13:17No, you get to carry a stick.
13:19Yeah!
13:21I like that!
13:23Stick!
13:25Anyway...
13:29Apparently, old people get on really well with us unemployed.
13:32Why?
13:33Well, because we're both regarded by an uncaring world
13:35as an underclass, and we both eat a lot of soup.
13:40And you both potter a lot.
13:42Potter, we do potter a lot. You do, you do, you do, a lot.
13:45Then there was this one time, right,
13:47when I made Debs one of my meals.
13:49Pot noodle in a kebab. Very tasty.
13:51And we were having a real good laugh.
13:54And I'm thinking, well, I'm well in there.
13:56She's begging for it.
13:58And so I've got to tell her my joke about the page three girl
14:00going into the greengrocers, and...
14:02Oh, Debs just flies off the handle, and I'm back to square one.
14:07Then there was this other time, right, when we went down the Crown
14:09and we're having this cracking evening.
14:11We've got about eight bevvies on the go,
14:13and we're doing some real snogging.
14:16And I'm thinking, oh, I'm in there again.
14:19And then this banana-flavoured rib condom fell out my pocket, and...
14:23From the way Debs reacted,
14:25you'd have thought I was carrying round a severed hand or something.
14:29Then there was this other time, right,
14:31when me and Debs went out to this restaurant...
14:58Oh, look at that!
15:12Oh, what the...?
15:18Hello! I'm Tony.
15:20The others might have told you about me.
15:22I'm here on the Happy Companions scheme.
15:25I've come to chat.
15:26What would you like to chat about?
15:28Shall I give you a rundown of what's in the pop charts?
15:30Have you heard of Duran Duran?
15:32No. But maybe the Rolling Stones or...
15:35Beatles?
15:40Hello! I'm Tony.
15:42I'm here on the Happy Companions scheme.
15:44I've come to chat.
15:57LAUGHTER
16:06Hello, Sunnyside Daycare Centre.
16:10It's great to be here.
16:13How are you? You all right?
16:18Post office queues, eh?
16:20They're slow, aren't they?
16:22Queues? Slow?
16:24I joined a queue the other day,
16:26and the person at the head of the queue finally picked up her pension.
16:30She was a bit surprised.
16:32She was only 47 when she went in.
16:37Post office queues are terribly slow, aren't they?
16:40Money, eh?
16:42Money?
16:44Not the same these days. It doesn't go as far these days.
16:46I mean, talk about spend a penny.
16:49It's more like...
16:50It's more like spend £3.80 these days, isn't it?
16:55Hey, have you tried to get the tops off jars these days?
16:59Well, I'll tell you what I do.
17:01I tend to eat out.
17:06Steps, eh?
17:09They're everywhere.
17:25Oh, hi, Debs. Hi, Tony.
17:27How's things? Fine. I'm just going upstairs.
17:29Look, I just thought you ought to know that since our last conversation,
17:32I've started to do a lot more charity work now.
17:34Oh, good for you. In the community, you know.
17:36I'm a bit of a hit down at the daycare centre. Great.
17:39Yeah, I mean, if you could see the look of gratitude
17:41on some of those lovely crumblies,
17:43you'd know why I feel so fulfilled.
17:46Lovely. I've got some photos of them. Look.
17:48Look. She is...
17:51..always pretending to hide from me.
17:54And him, he's brilliant, too.
17:57Big pigeon collection. It's fantastic.
18:00Well, thanks for sharing that with me.
18:02Oh, no, it's my pleasure.
18:03You see, my caring side's really motoring now.
18:06That's me, non-threatening.
18:08At this rate, I might come to like you.
18:10What are you going to do next to impress me?
18:12Um, nothing. I'm finished now.
18:15I've got to get back to work.
18:17I've got to get back to work.
18:19Um, nothing. I'm finished now.
18:35Hi.
18:38Good evening.
18:40I'm sorry we had a row last time.
18:43I hate it when we row.
18:46It's unfortunate, really,
18:47as we seem to do it 200 or 300 times a year.
18:53I don't really think kissing's appropriate to you, Dorothy.
18:57I was only going to give you a peck on the cheek.
18:59I wasn't going to force your affection against your will.
19:01Perhaps you'd like to step into the kitchen.
19:03There's something I want to show you.
19:09Oh, no, Gary.
19:11Not your slides of the major intersections of the M25.
19:15No.
19:16Not the office outing to the world of leather Guilford.
19:18No.
19:26Now, the...
19:27The background of this whole operation
19:29was suspicions arising from circumstantial evidence
19:31and conversations with Dorothy.
19:33To wit, that she did commit, with malice aforethought,
19:36acts of indecency with another bloke.
19:40What are you talking about?
19:42This.
19:44On Wednesday at 1.30pm,
19:47you were seen leaving this lingerie shop,
19:49presumably with a number of articles
19:51bought to titillate the disgusting appetites of your peccadillo.
19:54Actually, Gary,
19:55I was taking back the peephole bra you bought me last Christmas.
19:59Why?
20:01Because women like to dress for comfort,
20:04not to look like a milking machine.
20:10Thursday, 11.30am,
20:12Dorothy and friends.
20:20Now, note the lascivious expressions,
20:23here and here.
20:26I don't believe it. You bought a pointer?
20:29Yes, I bloody have.
20:32Now, at this point, my investigations began to focus
20:35on these two men, who I shall call A and B.
20:39Or Tim and Jeff, as everyone else calls them.
20:42Maya, have I missed anything?
20:44Yeah, Gary being an arse.
20:46Oh, damn.
20:47Oh, no, don't worry, he hasn't finished being an arse yet.
20:52A bona fide hanky-panky situation, clearly.
20:55Gary, that isn't me.
20:57How can you be... How can you be so sure?
21:01I think I'd remember.
21:03This is great, isn't it? It's like Crimewatch with your mates.
21:09Friday, 8.30am, another apparently innocent encounter.
21:15It's the bloody milkman.
21:18All right, I'll let that one go.
21:22Hey, that's a test shot.
21:26That's another one. Very hard to get the focal length on these lenses.
21:29Gary? Yes?
21:31I can either leave now or break some furniture over your head.
21:34Do you have a preference?
21:36Oh, some personal matters.
21:39Good duck, that mate, eh? Cheers, mate.
21:41Tony, go away.
21:48So there you have it.
21:50A pretty sleazy story of temptation and submission.
21:53He's just being affectionate.
21:55If you must know, he's gay.
21:57Oh, how convenient.
22:01All the time, I thought I had a straight-talking girl.
22:04Seems I've just been a crazy fool.
22:07But I've decided there's no ruin my life of indictiveness
22:10and I think with the right counselling...
22:12Shut up, Gary.
22:15OK, if you'll notice,
22:17A has his hand on B's bottom.
22:21A has been living with B for several years.
22:25They have a small dog called Liberace.
22:28Right? If you really want to know,
22:32I have started to see...
22:36C.
22:39You've started to see C?
22:41Yes. His name is Jamie.
22:44He's a radiographer.
22:47Well, I've never heard of him. What radio station's he on?
22:54Radio Dorothy.
22:56A radiographer, Gary. He takes X-rays.
22:59Have you... Have you slept with him?
23:02Yes.
23:04No, you haven't.
23:08Do you love him?
23:12I think so.
23:14No, you don't. You can't.
23:17He's out of focus.
23:19He's exploiting you, Dorothy.
23:21I know these medical guys. It's three points for screwing a nurse,
23:24two for a patient if she's not too ill,
23:26and the first one to 20 wins a set of steak knives.
23:29I've been dreading telling you this.
23:31But thank you. You've made it very easy for me.
23:35So what does this mean?
23:37It means...
23:39we're not going out together any more.
23:48KNOCK AT DOOR
23:52Bye, Dorothy, mate. Bye, Tony, mate.
24:01No, too much.
24:03Yes, hello, what?
24:05Oh, I just thought you might be interested in this, in a caring sort of way.
24:09You know, I shaved my legs once for a good cause,
24:12and, well, I'm just trying to find a new challenge, really.
24:15You're offering to shave off your pubic hair for charity?
24:20I'll put you down for a tenner.
24:22You don't have to watch, obviously.
24:24No, I'll be videoing it to show my sponsors I've got nothing to hide.
24:29You can shave together, if you like. I've got a nice clean razor.
24:32I appreciate you doing this to impress me, but...
24:35Cheers.
24:36It's pointless.
24:38No, you see, I'm doing it to raise money for Friends of the Earth.
24:41Because the way I see it,
24:43this planet, our home, is more important than my bush.
24:52It's pointless...
24:54because I have a new boyfriend.
24:56But you can't!
24:58You're not sharing like you told me to be.
25:01Sorry.
25:03It's so unfair!
25:07Well, don't come to me when you're old and wobbly,
25:10expecting to share my soap!
25:13Cheers.
25:28Five years we've been going out.
25:30You know, way back then when we first started,
25:33chicken really tasted like chicken.
25:35Yeah.
25:37We've seen John McCarthy reunited with the lovely Jill Morrell.
25:41Cheers.
25:43We've seen prime ministers come and go.
25:45Well, one.
25:47Yeah, one.
25:57We've both grown wiser.
25:59Yeah. And a little bit...
26:01sadder.
26:08So how did Gary take it?
26:11He went through the usual stages.
26:13Disbelief, aggression, deviousness.
26:17Back to aggression again.
26:19What about Tony?
26:21I felt sorry for him in the end.
26:23He really believes that one day I'm going to drop everything and sleep with him.
26:27Will you?
26:29Probably. Mm-hm.
26:31It's not every day a man offers to shave off his pubic hair to make you go out with him.
26:35No.
26:37Gary died his red, white and blue during the 1990 World Cup.
26:42It's not quite the same, is it?
26:47Many's the evening I spent back then, watching him touch up his roots.
26:55Sad. I think of all that Gary and I have been through together.
27:00Some of it was even quite enjoyable.
27:03I suppose it'll all be different with our new men.
27:07It'll be just plain good conversation, evenings out,
27:11and lots of uncomplicated sex.
27:17Hmm.
27:26You know, I'd be surprised if I ever noticed she's gone.
27:29Who? Who, exactly.
27:33There's a lot of rubbish talked about, Margony. Monogamy.
27:37If...
27:39If God had wanted us to stay with one bird,
27:43he wouldn't have invented other birds, would he?
27:47No. No.
27:55I've got to stop chasing dubs around all me life, you know.
27:59She's deadening my confidence a bit, you know.
28:01I used to just be able to do that, and I'd have women running after me.
28:05Wasn't that a bit inconvenient if you were just calling a waiter over?
28:09It actually was, yeah.
28:11How does that work? Is it one woman per click, or several clicks?
28:15No, you see, the point is that from now on, I'm a free agent again.
28:20Yeah, so am I. Fantastic.
28:23Brilliant.
28:31Dorothy'll come back. She needs me.
28:34Maybe I'll just have one more crack at Deborah.