Men Behaving Badly. S03 E02. Bed.
First broadcast 8th July 1994.
On a wild and stormy night Deborah cannot sleep because of the sound of the broken garden fence flapping so Tony goes out to mend it.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Scott Lane ... Nervous Man
Cathy Murphy ... Saleswoman
On a wild and stormy night Deborah cannot sleep because of the sound of the broken garden fence flapping so Tony goes out to mend it.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Scott Lane ... Nervous Man
Cathy Murphy ... Saleswoman
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
00:48Gary if we ever have children together
00:51Mm-hmm. I don't mean to be cruel. But if it looks like they're turning out like you can we have them adopted?
01:00I've just worked out what you were in a previous life. What a dull person
01:06This is good. If there's a fire in the middle of the night, I'm not gonna waste precious seconds deciding what to wear
01:11Oh, whereas I'll be standing in the middle of the inferno going. Oh Gary Gary, which is more me the pink or the green?
01:17Your bedtime rituals smearing all that gunk on your face. It's like lying next to a dip
01:23I don't have to stay over. I could have gone home and spared myself your demonstration of the Zen art of trouser folding
01:30No
01:32We're a sexy couple at the peak of our sexiness
01:36Every night we should be toasting our exciting young bodies in our own juices
01:43Well, I'm afraid if you want to do any toasting you got to do it on your own in the bathroom
01:47How
01:52Come we never want sex at the same time anymore
01:55Because I'm never with you when you're walking down Oxford Street on one of your own
02:01You really love me you'd want it when I want it if you really love me you'd shut your face
02:09We always used to sleep naked wearing more and more these days turning into our parents
02:17This right in a few years. We'll be sitting up in bed in tweed jackets and sensible hats. Oh
02:24You said you were gonna fix that fence I say a lot of things I seem to remember saying I'd still respect you after
02:30I slept with you
02:34Anyway Tony said he'd fix it by letting off another month's rent. Oh, you've let him off three months already
02:39That would have paid for a holiday. It did a holiday for us not him
02:44He's a mate
02:46He's useful around the flat. Yeah, I was watching him trying to make the fridge work
02:51Exactly. I'm not sure shouting freeze your bastard's gonna make a huge difference
03:13I
03:38Play the tape throughout the night and you will awake with a refreshed appearance
03:44Incidental benefits may include
03:46Greater upper body strength and a sense of cosmic well-being that is sure to impress your wife or girlfriend
03:57Make sure your bedroom is a temple of sleep restful and free of all distractions
04:03Sleep is the vehicle that will drive you to self-knowledge
04:07I
04:12Think you know how you're always saying that men never really discuss their feelings
04:22Well, I've got a hard on the
04:30What I mean is I want to share with you
04:35The physical expression of the respect I hold for you
04:42In a in a real sense of sharing
04:45Tough
05:02Just for your information that is about as erotic as being rubbed down with a raw chicken
05:06I
05:14What's wrong with you we always have sex after I cook for us
05:20Yeah, well, that's the problem you've given me indigestion
05:27Sweet me you've hurt me. I spent hours crushing those bloody silly little son of a bitch spice. Yes. Yes. All right
05:33It was a lovely meal
05:35But to be honest, the only thing I want to decide me now is milk and magnesia I
05:43Can do it without waking you
05:49You're not kidding
05:52I
05:54Knew we shouldn't have watched that French film all that panting you were doing sounded like you're blowing up a lilo
06:01I can't hide away from your sexuality. Don't you think you're being just a tiny bit selfish?
06:06Trying it on when I feel as if I've swallowed a piano
06:10Sorry
06:13I'll be very quick
06:20Oh
06:23Hi
06:24The fence is making a noise. I know
06:27It's the wind
06:33That's the disadvantage of having a fence as opposed to a hedge see what are you and Gary going to do about it?
06:39Well, I suppose we'll just wait for it to blow down and then burn it
06:47The broken fence is rattling in the wind
06:50I
06:56Fix it. I'll get out there and I'll fix it. Thank you first thing tomorrow morning
07:00I'll get me screwdriver and Myanmar and I'll be right Tony
07:03I am tetchy you said you love me now go and prove it by going and fixing the fence now
07:08Kind of prove it another way
07:11Well, it's half-past one in the morning. Ah, he can't sleep
07:16I'll tell you what always helps me
07:18Sex presumably actually, I was gonna say reading the first few pages of the highway code, but you're right. I'll try it your way
07:29All right, no, well while he's made in the fence, why don't I make us a nice cup of cocoa? All right?
07:40I've seen to be all right for everything about the actual cocoa
07:42I
07:46Improvise it's one of my special skills
08:13I
08:17Gary
08:22Gary
08:26So, why couldn't you sleep no, you know things on my mind I've been trying to get off for an hour
08:31Me too in the end. I gave up. I'm trying to sleep
08:36Why don't you try getting a less lumpy mattress actually Gary you're sitting on my foot, oh, sorry
08:43I've never been in your bedroom before
08:47This is where you sleep. That's right. Oh
08:51Nicholas Nickleby, what a good choice
08:54all those Nickleby's and their capers
08:58Marvelous book marvelous. I'm trying to get a bit heavy going actually incredibly tedious. I have old nonsense
09:06So it's nice to have something long and turgid in bed at night
09:13Gary no, I'll wait for you to finish your drink. Oh
09:17This isn't hot chocolate no, I boiled up some after eight minutes, it's a refreshing alternative
09:23Scum was on the top
09:30You know Gary I think I've got a better chance of getting back to sleep if you left now
09:35Do you know what always helps with Dorothy is a full-bodied rubdown really working into those nooks and crannies?
09:42You're pitiful Gary
09:45I was just talking to Debra about insomnia. Apparently comes from the Latin word insomnium in somnum knee and somnum noon in
09:58You're right Dorothy you haven't got anything for indigestion of you no, sorry Gary you're gonna have to go out and get me something
10:04Why can't you because it wasn't me that put a pound of raw lard into the cheesecake. That was good lard
10:12Yes
10:18Virginia Bottomley
10:22Everybody's here feel like I've just had an operation. Well, I fixed the fence and a picture these
10:31Weeds
10:33See what I was picking
10:35Please Gary take my car. There's a chemist at the end of the road. You won't even have to change
10:41I
10:45Thanks for mending the fence I'd do anything for you Debbie know that
10:53In that case you won't mind going down again and mending that bloody fence
10:56Oh, no way. It's wild out there. I could get a twig in me
11:02I said that you'd do anything for me. Yeah, but I didn't mean anything in that sense
11:11All
11:14Right
11:18No, not really I've just been made redundant
11:41I
12:11I
12:41I
13:11Do you have anything for
13:26Well, is it green or yellow it's two o'clock in the morning you obviously want some condoms why just
13:41Yes, it's a dressing gown
13:51My girlfriend's got indigestion any special symptoms, let me see. She's sarcastic
13:57Aggressive she keeps threatening to swap me for a dildo
14:01No, nothing special just indigestion
14:11I
14:18Seem to have lost my wallet. Well, I can't help you then
14:21I'll pay you tomorrow. This is a chemist. If it was a bank, there'd be a sign outside saying Bank
14:26I'm a respectable citizen. I'm not at these people
14:31I'll leave you all this
14:38Can any of you let me some money
14:41Look, it's an investment opportunity
14:44Hello I
14:48Can see why some women marry rich older men and after a while you just want something reliable in your life
14:55Don't you we thought about a Nissan Sunny?
14:58Please Tony loves you Tony would settle for any woman who said he had nice hair
15:03Oh Gary's quite selective. His ideal woman is a top-heavy 18 year old in a leotard who runs an off-license
15:12I've done it
15:18Look it's windy out there people looking out the windows laughing at me
15:26Sod you then
15:32Looks like Gary's gone to an all-night chemist in pit lockery. I better go down
15:36You won't be able to sleep the way you feel I'll stick a video on I'll come and watch it with you
15:41Do you think we really upset Tony? Well if we have let's just consider it a bonus
15:49Because of the foreshortening effect
15:52but relax
15:54If you find yourself naked and in the company of other men
15:59They will be feeling just as insecure as you are
16:03Feelings of social inadequacy are a further source of stress for some men
16:08You may worry that the jokes you tell are out of place or that they're simply not funny
16:16You will be free from this concern, too
16:19Oh
16:37Tony
16:50Oh, I'm sorry have a sleeping impotence
17:00Hypnosis tape I thought they were for sad insecure people. Yes Gary's
17:07Found it in his lucky trouser drawer
17:09It's part of a series actually if we've got one on insomnia
17:13Yeah, but you put it on before you go to bed and then when you wake up the next morning you can get to sleep
17:19Do they do one on how to cope with losing your job why
17:24Just lost my job. I'm sorry. That's why I was off earlier. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry
17:30These things happen. Yeah. Hey look
17:33Might as well have this then. Hey
17:36Thanks, just ignore the bit about excessive masturbation. That's just bloke stuff
17:41You've got a look on the bright side of life
17:44Foxy lady chance to re-examine my career. This is what I mean get into something new going to bed
17:50What I'm sit sit on the bed gonna sit on the bed
17:56Are you gonna pay your mortgage? Oh, I don't want to think about it. Tell you what I'll move in and I'll pay your rent
18:03Do you really think I would prostitute myself like that? All right, you pay me rent then we're both up on the deal
18:08I don't know whether to admire your persistence or run out screaming. You need someone dead. Oh, maybe
18:15Trouble is I don't think it's you
18:18Guarantee sleep with me and never want another man again
18:22Well, you know, I mean
18:28Lie down no, come on. I just want to relax your head on the pillar. There we go
18:38I
18:47Knap was shot to go right into town. I was padding around Piccadilly Circus in my slippers and dressing gown
18:52Well, you always say you don't get out the house enough
18:54I've not that many funny looks in some of that fancy dress party is Winnie Mandela. Do you remember?
19:00I'll give me a rare insight of what it's like to be a foreign black lady traveling on a tube train full of Sheffield
19:05Wednesday supporters
19:08What was it you went as Peter Purvis
19:12We really have to push the boat out in those days, isn't it? Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate this
19:19Well, I know we spend most of our time slagging each other off, but I'm always there for you when you're sick
19:24it is a
19:25Milk of magnesia, is it? Yes. It's a new kind
19:32Have you tasted it? No
19:39Mm-hmm. It's quite dumb quite flour and watery, isn't it?
19:46You've just made it yourself out of flour and water
19:52Yes
19:54My wallet fell out the hole in my dressing-gown pocket. Oh tragic. I only just found it in the hole
19:59bit of luck really
20:01Gary when you had flu last month, I went to 20 different shops to get you that air fix model you wanted
20:08Thanks for that
20:09No, no, no, no
20:12Gary if you're not out of that door in 20 seconds, I'm going to tell Tony about your wart
20:21Oh, maybe I shouldn't have been managing a restaurant anyway, what would you rather do?
20:26Well, actually
20:28I'd like to work with children. Oh
20:31Well in a sweet shop that sort of thing. No
20:34primary school teacher or something
20:37When you're in school
20:38Did you ever get the teacher right those long wobbly words on the blackboard like mrs
20:42Sippy so you could watch the body parts or to jiggle up and down
20:46No, no, no did I I'm just saying that's the kind of thing you'd have to put up with well
20:51Maybe not teaching then
20:53Well, I'm looking for something new. Maybe we should start a company together. What happened to your record business?
20:57Oh just collapsed, you know, it's the recession, isn't it?
21:01No came back one lunchtime and Arthur Stall had collapsed and smashed most of the records
21:07Hey
21:09I'll tell you what you could be
21:11What?
21:12Model. Oh, don't be so stupid. Tony. They're all 18 and 5 foot 10 straight up
21:18You could that is the most transparent flattery. I think I've ever heard
21:28Trust me
21:36Oh
21:40Tony why did you do that?
21:42Well, you're lonely and I'm lonely and hey in this big city people like us have got to stick together
21:56I thought you said you mended that bloody fan. Well, I don't have to you know, dude
21:59We'll just make love and fall asleep naturally
22:06I
22:20Missed anything. No, not really Gary came back, but he had to pop out again. It's three o'clock in the morning
22:27Yeah, just can't seem to settle tonight
22:31There's Tony forgiven you for laughing at his hair
22:35Yes, I think so he's actually quite sweet maybe I should give him a chance
22:50You back yes, I wanted to get to know the real you this time
22:54I'd like a barbecue set half a pound of amphetamines an emergency photo album, please
22:59What sort of barbecue set I was joking I know
23:05You in digestion, right 235 how much of the big loofahs
23:28Oh
23:54How's it going great mate
23:57You've got a crisp bag in your hand
24:01What's this
24:03Scandinavian we're here song of the woodcutters
24:07There's still a chance. I might start humping at some stage
24:12I'm a great. Yeah, good. What's chicks sleeping for hours? So peaceful?
24:18Hey, do you ever pull the bottom lip over the top lip when they're asleep?
24:21I
24:25Do do this to Dorothy
24:34You have to remember to put it back before the morning otherwise you'll find out
24:44What she's dreaming about I don't know it sounds good
24:47I
24:49Sounds like make me you big toy Gary
24:53Something more like turn turn. Give me a bone
25:00You're not asleep are you Dorothy no fantastic
25:09I've got you that stuff for your indigestion. Oh, it's okay. I feel better now
25:16I'm starting to wake up
25:38I'll just take your clothes off so you don't get too hot
25:46I
26:16I
26:18Tony what do you think you're doing? Go on? I'm here now. All right, great
26:32And Tony yeah touch me and you'll die
26:39You're only saying that because you know, I want to now
26:43You're not getting anything unless you take your milk and magnesia
26:47I'm the one that should be angry. I'm scared to go to sleep in case I wake up with my top lip up over my
26:51forehead
26:57I'll be quick. Don't be disgusting
27:12Oh
27:42You
28:12You