Men Behaving Badly. S02 E03. How to Dump Your Girlfriend.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 22nd September 1992.  Tony tries to figure out the best way to break up with Pat in order to have "credibility" to make a move on Deborah, who has a fever that gives Tony the perfect chance to take care of her.  Martin Clunes ... Gary Neil Morrissey ... Tony Leslie Ash ... Deborah Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy Debra Beaumont ... Pat Adam Morris ... Stewart (as Wayne Morris)

Transcript

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11:46Hello? Pat?

11:49Oh, um, I haven't been feeling very well.

11:53Yeah. Depression.

11:56Oh, I just feel like sitting in a dark room and crying.

12:01Yeah. Well, I'll phone you when I'm feeling better.

12:05OK. Bye. Bye.

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13:50Oh, no food, no, please.

13:52Well, maybe something from this tray.

13:57Debs, no! No, no, Debs, please!

14:02What have you done to her?

14:04Nothing. It must be the fever.

14:06Well, I think it's OK now. I can look after my own girlfriend.

14:09Oh, I didn't realise. How long have you been...

14:12Eight years.

14:15She didn't say.

14:17It was the same the last time she was going through cold turkey.

14:20She slipped out in a dressing gown, went down to the supermarket

14:23and came back with a 14-year-old shelf filler.

14:25Oh, God. Yeah, I think it's best if you go, don't you?

14:28Yeah, well, I'll, um... Yeah. Yeah.

14:36Is that stain underneath the sofa coming off?

14:40Hmm?

14:42Yeah.

14:44Which do you reckon's more effective, jib or sparkle?

14:47Well, I think for those really stubborn stains...

14:50Yeah?

14:52..you can't beat lying on the sofa reading a magazine and eating chocolate.

14:56I don't know why housewives complain about cleaning so much.

15:01You really are an irritating little prat, aren't you, Gary?

15:04Sorry?

15:06I said no, it's so satisfying.

15:08Mmm.

15:10I hope our amusing banter isn't distracting you from what you're doing.

15:13No.

15:16Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony!

15:18Shoes, Tony!

15:22I've only been in your bedroom?

15:24Precisely.

15:26Where is everything?

15:28I've rearranged the storage arrangements.

15:32That's temporary.

15:34No, I think it's a good idea. Cold books.

15:39Ooh.

15:42OK, put your shoes back on.

15:45What do you think you're playing at?

15:48Well, I looked on the rotor and I'm not down to do anything for another six weeks.

15:53You've been tampering with my sasko.

15:56No.

15:58Where are they?

16:00Look, you don't do any cleaning for three years and then when you do,

16:03you expect someone who doesn't even live here to scrub under your festering sofa.

16:06What have you done with all the Ds? I've eaten them.

16:09Empty out your pockets. No.

16:11Right, I'm going to shut my eyes and when I open them again,

16:14I want this back the way it was.

16:29Can I open them now?

16:40Are you all right?

16:42Gary just came up and said I had to do the floor.

16:45Didn't you tell him you weren't feeling very good?

16:47Yes, he said if my temperature goes over 102,

16:50I can sit on the stairs for a bit.

16:53Are you on fire, Gary?

16:55I live on his agreement with Dorothy, nothing special.

16:59You look really ill.

17:01Do you want to come and lie down in my bedroom?

17:04I think I should check on Debra.

17:06Hasn't she suffered enough?

17:09She needs looking after.

17:11You mean you want to shag her while she's drugged?

17:18No, I'm serious about her.

17:21Yeah, sorry.

17:23He must be feeling a bit ill.

17:25I'm sure he is.

17:27I'm sure he is.

17:29I'm sure he is.

17:31Sorry.

17:32He must be serious about her.

17:34I wouldn't chase after Debra if I had a gorgeous girlfriend.

17:44What's the matter with you?

17:48Oh, look, Deb.

17:50Wouldn't you rather be in bed?

17:52No.

17:53I keep getting these awful nightmares

17:55of these weird people bringing me trays of food.

17:59Yeah, you want to be down here where I can look after you.

18:03We can.

18:13How could you do this?

18:15Everyone at work read it.

18:17What is it?

18:18You should bloody know. You wrote it.

18:22I won't be a minute.

18:25Gary, can I have a word?

18:27Can I have a word?

18:28Who is it?

18:29Erm, it's the neighbours.

18:31They, erm, want us to help push start their car.

18:34They haven't got a car.

18:35They've stolen one.

18:39Did you send this?

18:41Well, you told me where she worked.

18:43You said you wanted to chuck her.

18:44Not by fax.

18:46Why not?

18:48It's fast, it's modern, it's tactful.

18:51For the attention of Pat, I cannot go out with you anymore.

18:54Sorry for the inconvenience.

18:55Fond regards, Tony.

18:58Which bit don't you like?

19:00P.S. We have not been clicking in bed.

19:05Even I'm not that insensitive.

19:07I think you're overreacting.

19:09Can we talk, please, Tony?

19:11Deborah wants to see Pat. Take her upstairs.

19:13Deborah!

19:18I can explain this.

19:25Did you get the car started?

19:27What? Oh, yeah.

19:29Vroom, vroom.

19:33You look awful, Deborah.

19:35Thank you.

19:36You should be upstairs in bed.

19:38I just got out of bed.

19:40Oh.

19:41Well, I think I just heard your phone ringing upstairs, actually.

19:43Oh, well, I won't get there in time.

19:45You will if you run.

19:49OK.

19:52OK, Deborah, look, I'd like you to go

19:54because I have to talk to Dorothy about something very important,

19:57so you wouldn't mind if... Come on, love.

20:00Yeah, all right.

20:02So, what I said to Gary was,

20:05I wish someone would get rid of that cat.

20:08The neighbour's cat.

20:10Cat, Pat, Pat, Cat.

20:12I mean, they sound pretty similar, don't they?

20:16Yes, I get the point, Tony.

20:18You...

20:20You wouldn't tell me to my face if you wanted to split up with me.

20:24Pat, I swear, it's the last thing I'd want to do.

20:34So, he sent her this fax saying that he wanted to split up

20:37and for some reason she thought that was insensitive.

20:39Funny, that. Yeah.

20:42Sorry about all that business earlier.

20:53Gary, it's been a long, hard day.

20:57Can we do something that doesn't involve me listening to you?

21:02All right. I've got just the thing.

21:05You'll love this.

21:07All right. I've got just the thing.

21:10You'll love this. What is it?

21:12Tony's made a video about his feet.

21:18Right.

21:20Well, see you soon.

21:22Oh, yeah, definitely.

21:28I'll just say goodbye to the others.

21:30Oh, er...

21:32Won't interrupt. Just came...

21:35What's this? Oh, you don't want to watch this.

21:37No, no, no, it's good, this.

21:42See? That's funny, that is.

21:51Pat.

21:53I think it's best for us both if we, er...

21:57call it a day.

21:59I think it was Brian who said...

22:01No, I mean Byron who said, er...

22:04There's not a joy in the world

22:07you can give like that it takes away...

22:11I think that sums it up pretty well, don't you?

22:18I'm going to bike this tape over to you, Pat.

22:22I hope you're OK and everything.

22:32No, that's not you.

22:34That's another Pat.

23:31Bye.

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