Men Behaving Badly. S02 E06. People Behaving Irritatingly.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 13th October 1992.  Tony's childish brother John and his irritating girlfriend Mandy come to visit and they soon outstay their welcome - running up phone bills abroad, making noisy love and scratching Gary's favourite record, which leads to his telling them a few home truths.  Martin Clunes ... Gary Neil Morrissey ... Tony Leslie Ash ... Deborah Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy Ian Lindsay ... George Valerie Minifie ... Anthea Pete Lee-Wilson ... John (as Pete Lee Wilson) Emma Amos Emma Amos ... Mandy

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12:50Hey!

12:51Oh!

12:54What did you do that for?

12:55You're hysterical.

12:56No, I'm just really happy.

12:58Oh, sorry.

12:59Listen, Mandy says we can use her parents' villa in Spain

13:03and her dad will fly us all out there for free.

13:06Damn.

13:08Anything the matter?

13:09Oh, no, everything's lovely.

13:11Problem is, we've got to be really nice to her

13:13because she might change her mind, you know,

13:15if she's funny like that.

13:20If you'll excuse me a minute,

13:21I've just got to talk to John Owen Mand.

13:33Hello.

13:34I bought you some towels.

13:35I bought you some towels.

13:36They're lovely and fluffy.

13:40We're going to an hotel.

13:41Why?

13:42You called her a crappy witless bint.

13:45Did I?

13:47Well, that's part of the course round here.

13:49I mean, if Mother Teresa popped in,

13:51we'd probably call her a stoke-faced old baggage, really.

13:55We know when we're not wanted.

13:57No, it was a misunderstanding.

13:59Hang on.

14:01I've made you some tea and little sandwiches.

14:06Haven't you got any cheese and pickle?

14:08No, but I can make some.

14:10No, you're right.

14:12I suppose I've been a bit on edge lately.

14:14You know, what with the plumbing not working properly and everything.

14:16Oh, I'll have a look at that for you.

14:18I like knocking around in water.

14:20Oh, marvellous.

14:21Great.

14:23OK.

14:24We'll stay.

14:26But I think you should apologise first.

14:29Absolutely.

14:30Sorry.

14:32Pardon?

14:34Sorry.

14:35I can't quite hear you.

14:37I'm sorry.

14:39There.

14:40That wasn't too difficult, was it?

14:43Tony, it's raining.

14:44I'm just getting in the holiday mood.

15:06You're an idiot.

15:07You're an idiot.

15:08You're an idiot.

15:09You're an idiot.

15:10Hey, hey, look what I bought.

15:17A twister.

15:18I thought I could play it while I was sunbathing.

15:22You know, with the oil and all that sort of thing.

15:28Ah, look.

15:31Photos of Mandy's parents' villa.

15:34Looks like Mandy and John in your bath.

15:38Oh, yeah.

15:40What's Mandy sitting on?

15:44John.

15:48Oh, it's lovely.

15:51Oh, Mandy's dad must have a bobble too.

15:53Yeah, it's the 24-hour plumbing business.

15:55£100 a call-out.

15:57£200 if he opens his tool bag.

16:00Seriously, Deb.

16:02There's no reason why we can't try again, is there?

16:04Oh, shut up, Tony.

16:06You're more sensitive than you know.

16:08I mean, a couple of weeks ago, you let me, like, snog you.

16:17What's that?

16:32No.

16:34Yeah?

16:35No, you're joking me.

16:37No.

16:42Anyway, Dad, our phone could have got a little leak.

16:45I've solved your problem.

16:47Yeah?

16:48What you need is a plumber.

16:50Oh.

16:51You said you'd done an exam.

16:53Didn't pass.

16:59Dad says try banging it with a spanner.

17:02John.

17:04You're getting wet spots all over your shirt.

17:07Wet spots on his shirt?

17:09My hole looks like Atlantis.

17:12No, you're absolutely right.

17:14Johnny, would you like one of my shirts?

17:16What am I thinking of? Have all my shirts.

17:21Mandy, could you see your way clear

17:24to turning off the water main, which is outside the back door?

17:27I ain't got my shoes on.

17:29Oh, fuff.

17:31You're absolutely right.

17:32Johnny, how about if I hold the gushing pipe

17:34and you go and turn off the water main?

17:37All right.

17:39Yeah.

17:42Yeah.

17:44No.

17:46Yeah.

17:47Peeing on the lilo, bless him.

17:50Yeah.

17:52No.

17:56Yeah.

17:58Yeah.

18:03I've done it.

18:05Right then, can I make you a cup of tea?

18:15So you definitely rang her then?

18:17Who's that?

18:18Anthea.

18:19So I left a message on her answer phone.

18:22What did you say?

18:24I left a message on her answer phone.

18:28What did you say in your message, George?

18:30I said that you were sorry

18:32and you promised to buy her a new stapler

18:34and restore her salary to the 1989 level.

18:38You don't think that was too generous, do you?

18:40Well, I doubt if she'll come back anyway.

18:42You broke that poor woman's spirit.

18:50What's that smell?

18:52That's me.

18:53The water tank emptied itself into my laundry bag.

18:56I pulled out a shirt this morning

18:58and there was a decomposing barn owl in one of the sleeves.

19:02So your guests are finally getting on a plane then?

19:04Oh, yeah, tonight.

19:06I can't tell you, George, how hard it is to be polite for four days.

19:09Normally, if I'm nice for 15 minutes, I come out in a rash.

19:12Look, George, I know I wrote a letter to these morons in Luton.

19:16Please tell me where it is before I have a crisis.

19:20Isn't it in Bedfordshire?

19:23Second drawdown in the yellow folder

19:27in the green filing cabinet.

19:34Welcome back, Anthea.

19:36Take a letter, would you?

19:38To the editor of the Concise Oxford Dictionary.

19:41Dear sir, imagine my surprise

19:43when my secretary opened a copy of your dictionary

19:45only to find that you had misspelled the word professional.

19:48I find this lapse astonishing.

19:51So I looked at him standing there with his scissors and I said,

19:54well, if you think that's a haircut, I'm Chris Akabusi, know what I mean?

19:58So he says to me, I trained under Vidal Sassoon, actually.

20:02So I says to him, I don't care if you trained under a Ford Transit,

20:05you're not going anywhere near my fringe again.

20:08I'm going to take this in there and push it up her bottom.

20:14No, Gary, it's not for much longer.

20:17Think of the free holiday.

20:19It's got to be wrong, hasn't it?

20:21Let's go.

20:23Well, your last meal with us.

20:26Won't be the same when you've gone.

20:28You mean you'll be glad to be getting rid of us?

20:31Oh, stay a little.

20:33I bet you're sick of all of John's stories.

20:36No.

20:40Hey, Tom, remember when we were on the beach

20:43and we squirted superglue on Mum and Dad

20:45and they had to go to casualty with deck chairs stuck on their backs?

20:48Oh, I remember that one.

20:50So do you like working in a hospital, Dorothy?

20:53Well, yes, I...

20:55I expect you couldn't get into secretarial work.

20:57No, I just...

20:59Nothing against nurses, but they always remind me of nylon uniforms and vomit.

21:03Know what I mean?

21:05Mandy!

21:06It's really great eating in.

21:08That restaurant you recommended was rubbish.

21:10Yeah, they told us off for putting sugar in the salt cellars.

21:14Really petty.

21:16I'm the manager of that restaurant.

21:18Well, I'm not being funny,

21:20but you can eat at Burger King for half the price

21:22and they give you a free sun visor.

21:24You can try working for them.

21:27Don't you think you ought to be going?

21:29We'd hate it if you missed your flight.

21:31Oh, John, look at the time. Come on.

21:33Well...

21:35I can't say it's been a complete pleasure.

21:38Really? Why?

21:40Well, Tony, your bed is really uncomfortable.

21:43Yeah?

21:45Well, do you want to try sleeping on the sofa for four days?

21:47Well, it can't be as bad as your bed.

21:49Is that all I fancy?

21:51Let's not argue, shall we?

21:53I'm sure the beds are really soft in Spain.

21:55Oh, no.

21:57Didn't I say? You're going to kill me.

21:59After we've left,

22:01Dad's rented the villa out to someone else,

22:03so you can't, like, go.

22:15Get in the spinner!

22:17I can't. Tony's sitting on my face.

22:19Do you want to swap places?

22:23I don't know what you're complaining about.

22:25I've had my head lodged up Dorothy's bottom

22:27for the last ten minutes.

22:29See? I told you we didn't have to go to Spain

22:31to have a good time.

22:33Their plane will just be landing.

22:35Oh, well, it can't be helped.

22:37You'll go, Dorothy.

22:39Come on, let's get this out!

22:41No, don't come over!

22:43Get off me!

22:45Sorry.

22:47Sorry.

22:49Oh, Gary!

23:13Oh, Gary!

23:43Oh, Gary!

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