First broadcast 13th November 1997.
Gary and Dorothy's wedding day has arrived but everybody arrives at the registry office two hours early so they head off for the pub.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Linda Broughton ... Registrar
Francesca Longrigg ... Assistant Registrar
Donald Hoath ... Uncle Steven
Bridget McConnell ... Auntie Anne (as Bridget McConnel)
John Thomson ... Ken
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dido Miles ... Cath
Roger Moss ... James
Race Davies ... Sally-Anne
Simon Nye ... Clive
Brett Reylander ... Barman
Gary and Dorothy's wedding day has arrived but everybody arrives at the registry office two hours early so they head off for the pub.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Linda Broughton ... Registrar
Francesca Longrigg ... Assistant Registrar
Donald Hoath ... Uncle Steven
Bridget McConnell ... Auntie Anne (as Bridget McConnel)
John Thomson ... Ken
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dido Miles ... Cath
Roger Moss ... James
Race Davies ... Sally-Anne
Simon Nye ... Clive
Brett Reylander ... Barman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you for joining us for this session.
00:30When Gary asked me to be his best man, I was reminded of the joke.
00:58How many best men does it take to change a lightbulb?
01:02Two!
01:03The first to change the lightbulb, the second to have sex over and over again with the prettiest
01:08bridesmaid.
01:09That should work.
01:14Not very popular at school.
01:17Lying face down in a gutter.
01:20Foot stuck in a chicken.
01:24But seriously, Gary's a great guy and in Dorothy he has met a lovely lady, though scary.
01:47I once slept with Dorothy.
01:53But we all laugh about that now.
01:55Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
01:59Oh, weddings.
02:01Romantic.
02:02Thank you all for coming.
02:06I'd like to thank my wife, who is as lovely now as birds.
02:12Who is lovely, though perhaps not quite hitting her 1990 peak.
02:18And she was, of course, considerably younger.
02:22Still, we've all lost some bounce since then.
02:30Hello, groomy!
02:32Don't call me groomy.
02:34Hey, have you noticed, right, that I'm the best man?
02:37Of all the men, I'm the best.
02:39Whereas you, you're just a groom.
02:42Like a stable boy, you know, brushing a horse.
02:47Well, that was an interesting little thing to say.
02:51I don't want to get married.
02:53Why?
02:54I haven't slept with enough women.
02:55Oh.
02:56Do you want to try and squeeze one in?
02:57Oh, no.
02:58Oh, no, of course not.
02:59Dorothy doesn't deserve that.
03:01No.
03:02No.
03:04Anyway, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts.
03:07You're marrying an amazing lady who thinks the world of you.
03:11You're quoting from that best man book again, aren't you?
03:14Yes.
03:17It's true, though, isn't it?
03:18A man on his deathbed never looks back at his life and says,
03:20I wish I'd slept with fewer women.
03:25Wouldn't it be terrible if on your deathbed you said something really stupid,
03:29like, can you get your bottom off my foot?
03:32Will you video the bill, please?
03:35Who farted?
03:37Is there any more cake?
03:39That's why I've got it all planned, you see.
03:41I'm going to say, don't be sad, I did it my way.
03:44Oh, that's nice, mate.
03:49Of course, then I might say that and then need a tissue,
03:53so my last words would be, can I have a tissue, please?
03:59Unless I then repeated my original last words.
04:03Or I could, of course, just mime.
04:07And that would be my last mime.
04:09Anyway, what were we talking about?
04:12I want to call the wedding off.
04:15Think of Dorothy upstairs, getting into her dress, all smiley.
04:19Yeah.
04:21Anyway, what's so good about sleeping with lots of girls, huh?
04:26It's like eating pies, isn't it?
04:30OK, you want to try a variety of pies.
04:35Experiment with pies.
04:37And when it comes down to it, you know where you are with your old pie.
04:42Cheers, mate.
04:45You won't tell Dorothy I compared her with a pie?
04:50Hey, did I tell you?
04:52Last night, at the pictures,
04:54Debs let me put me hand on the top part of her bottom.
04:58After five years, I think we might be going to sleep together.
05:01Oh, you see, that could be me. I haven't slept with enough women.
05:05Oh, cheer up.
05:07Here, open your wedding present.
05:13It's a toaster.
05:19Hello, Tony. Hi, Debs.
05:27Is anything happening down there?
05:35Very much so.
05:38Very much so.
05:41Well, I'm having a shower and Dorothy's in the living room.
05:51Tony, you know, it wasn't so long ago you'd try and get in the shower with me.
05:56I'm so pleased you've changed.
05:59Hello, Bridey!
06:03Hello, Tony.
06:04I just popped upstairs to tell you that we couldn't get white roses for the buttonholes,
06:08so we'll have to make do with dandelions.
06:10How symbolic.
06:12So, it's your wedding day.
06:15How are you feeling?
06:17Giddy. Giddy with happiness.
06:21Giddy? Good.
06:23Well, here's your wedding present.
06:25I got one for Gary as well, in case you split up.
06:29Thanks.
06:31Now, be careful. Be careful, cos it's already got toast in it.
06:37What's up?
06:39When I was 12, I thought a wedding would be more than something in a concrete registry office,
06:43with gherkins being handed around the pub afterwards.
06:47Well, you know, it's a bit of a mess.
06:49With gherkins being handed around the pub afterwards.
06:52Well, you did leave all the arrangements to us.
06:56I don't know.
06:58To be honest, I suppose I don't want many people to know that I'm getting married.
07:01Why?
07:02Because I'm marrying Gary.
07:04Oh.
07:06Even my parents have refused to come.
07:08Why?
07:09Because I'm marrying Gary!
07:14Oh, yeah.
07:19Clive's recording it.
07:21Can always send him a video.
07:24If you get long enough tape, you could put a little film on the end.
07:29What about that movie, God Almighty, What the Hell Happened to My Life?
07:33Oh, I don't know that one.
07:37There's always Free Willy.
07:41Yeah, there is that.
07:44Dorothy...
07:47Do you think Debs is going to let me hump her?
08:01Hi, Clive.
08:02Hello.
08:03That's a suit, is it?
08:05What's wrong with it?
08:07It's quite green.
08:09So?
08:11So?
08:17Clive, Clive, Clive, Clive.
08:19Girls in hats.
08:27If you want a swig.
08:36Good morning, everyone.
08:38Good afternoon.
08:40If you could step forward.
08:47So, we're here today to join in marriage...
08:50Oh, excuse me.
08:53No, no, I don't know who these two people are.
08:56What time do you think it is?
09:00So, it was one o'clock, not eleven o'clock, you see?
09:04Me and Gary both wrote down one, one.
09:08A-one.
09:09I know it sounds confusing, but somehow we both wrote five.
09:13Oh, such a damn...
09:15Ladies.
09:18OK, sorry, excuse me.
09:20Could I just have... Listen, please, if we could all just pop quickly
09:24back to the crown where the reception is.
09:26Keynote's very much simplicity and homeliness.
09:29Sadly, there's limited space available in our official hire cars,
09:33but if you could all...
09:35Oh, oh, God!
09:37I'm a groom!
09:42You're walking, you tosser!
09:45I can sit on someone's lap!
09:51I can sit on someone's lap!
09:53I can sit on...
09:56Bastards!
10:02I'm not ready, mate.
10:03Ready with what?
10:04I haven't washed me nipples quite yet.
10:06Ken, where's the wedding decorations?
10:12What, wedding?
10:17Oh, Uncle Peter!
10:19Steve Stephen!
10:20And Auntie Anne.
10:23Oh, present, lovely.
10:25Yes.
10:27It's a juicer.
10:28Well, we've been together for eight years,
10:30I guess we need all the help we can get.
10:34I don't understand.
10:36Well, thanks for coming, anyway.
10:38This is great.
10:47I was hoping to meet Marjorie.
10:49Yes, she wanted to come,
10:50but she's busy rehearsing Doctor Chicago
10:52for the local dramatic society.
10:54Oh, isn't that rather ambitious?
10:56No, they've reset it in Guildford.
10:59So that cuts down on scenery.
11:02Right.
11:03Piss off, Clive.
11:06You see, I want to be faithful to Dorothy,
11:08and I love her and everything,
11:09it's just that I feel I...
11:10I haven't seen enough women naked.
11:13I haven't touched enough women.
11:17That's a lovely suit, Gary.
11:18I haven't lain on top of enough women.
11:21I'm not sure I'm the right person.
11:24Maybe I should get Tony.
11:26Yeah, where is he?
11:27You see, he's probably off somewhere with Deborah.
11:29I mean, it's not fair.
11:31Look, I'm sure every man and woman feels the same
11:35when they're about to get married.
11:37Well, maybe not on the day itself,
11:40but all the same, I can't quite understand you.
11:55I can't do it.
11:57What?
11:58Get married. I'm sorry.
11:59Gary.
12:01Gary.
12:12Gary?
12:15Where were you going?
12:16I left some Rolos in the car.
12:21Have you changed your mind?
12:22No, no.
12:24Marriage is a grown-up thing to do.
12:27Cement our love, get a certificate.
12:30No, I meant about the Rolos.
12:34Yeah, I'd probably eat too many anyway.
12:37It's scary, isn't it?
12:39Yeah, you have one, then you want a whole package.
12:43No, I mean, marriage is scary.
12:47Yeah.
12:50Shall we go back in?
12:52Yeah.
13:00She looks lovely, doesn't she?
13:01Yeah, really nice.
13:05I hope she's all right.
13:06Oh, yeah, she'll be fine.
13:09Who?
13:11Dorothy.
13:12Oh, yeah.
13:13You look great, too.
13:15Thanks.
13:16Come here.
13:20New aftershave.
13:21Yeah.
13:22Bit pungent.
13:23Thanks.
13:25I thought you only wore horn.
13:27Yeah, well...
13:30This broke down the market.
13:31We're selling toff, so I bought...
13:34half a pint.
13:40I thought we were coming back to get the wedding cake.
13:51Well, looks like you've worn me down.
13:54Oh, I'm sorry.
14:00So, Deb, how come you turned me down for so long?
14:05I always liked the way you looked.
14:07I just had a problem with the things you did and the things you said.
14:12And I suppose if Dorothy's prepared to marry Gary,
14:16I might as well give you a try.
14:21What are you thinking?
14:22I was just wondering what colour your bush is.
14:30What?
14:35I was...
14:37I was just wondering what car rubbish is.
14:43What does that mean?
14:44Nothing.
14:45It's nonsense.
14:47Let's have a look at the wedding cake.
15:00So, a wedding cake in the shape of a dog.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Dorothy said she didn't want anything too traditional, you know.
15:09We asked for a buffalo, but...
15:11the lady said it would look stupid.
15:13It has a little bride and a little groom and a ride on its back.
15:25No, no, no.
15:26No, we must get back.
15:27No, no, no.
15:28No, we must get back to the wedding or we'll miss it.
15:30I've been waiting five years.
15:32Exactly.
15:33Why rush it?
15:34I mean, you can't do it in ten minutes.
15:36I can.
15:40Let's wait till after the wedding.
15:42Oh, no, you'll change your mind, then I'll have to wait another five years.
15:46No, I won't, I promise.
15:48Huh?
15:53Write down that you promise.
15:55No.
15:56No.
15:59I promise to make love with Tony
16:05shortly after Gary and Dorothy are married.
16:13Just sign.
16:22Yeah.
16:23Right.
16:25The sooner we get down there, the sooner we get back.
16:27Come on.
16:29Come on.
16:32Good afternoon, everyone.
16:34Especially Gary and Dorothy.
16:36If you could step forward.
16:44So, we are here today to join in marriage these two young people,
16:49Dorothy and Gary.
16:54The ring, indeed, it is the ring.
16:56Oh.
16:58The ring.
16:59The ring.
17:00The ring, please.
17:02Come on, Tony.
17:08Excuse me.
17:15Cheers.
17:22Forsaking all others,
17:25do you, Dorothy, take Gary to be your lawful wedded husband
17:30to have and to hold from this day forward?
17:36Come on.
17:38Are you OK?
17:39I feel a little faint.
17:41Come on, sit down.
17:42I'll be all right in a minute.
17:44Put her head between her legs.
17:46That's it.
17:49No.
17:50No, you just don't understand.
17:52They have to get married now.
17:55We may have to ring round for another registrar.
17:58Well, can't we just prop her up?
18:01And I'll read it.
18:03Tony, the ceremony has to be carried out by a properly licensed official.
18:08Has anyone got a marrying licence? It's an emergency.
18:14Try slapping her.
18:15Come on.
18:17OK, so the situation is,
18:19we'll go back to the pub and have the reception before the wedding
18:23while they arrange for another registrar.
18:25As before, there is limited available space in the official...
18:34Sir!
18:35Oi, who had shoes, mate?
18:37Go, go, go, go!
18:38I'm coming.
18:39In your dreams, sir!
18:40That's what I do!
18:43Bastard!
18:50That's enough. Pack it up.
18:55So, are you a friend of Gary or Dorothy?
18:58Gary.
18:59Actually, we hardly know him.
19:01We hardly know him.
19:02We work in the off-licence.
19:05Don't mind if I do.
19:18I wonder why people throw confetti.
19:21I suppose throwing anything heavier than little pieces of paper
19:25might cause a nasty eye injury.
19:29Because even rice can get in your eye, can't it?
19:32Oh, yes. A little sharp grain of rice.
19:35I used to cook the rice first, then throw it.
19:39Although then it tends to stick on clothing.
19:42And in hair.
19:46In a straight fight, a squirrel could take on a beaver and win.
19:52A cat and a squirrel.
19:54Now, that's very interesting.
19:57You take, for example, if the squirrel comes off hard at the beginning,
20:02you'd be mad to bet on it.
20:04But say, I want sort of a bald cat.
20:06No, I'd say blonde, no question.
20:08Well, you say that, but it can be a tricky customer, pubic hair.
20:12Yeah.
20:15Now, I'm sticking my neck out here,
20:17but I'm going to say brown with a hint of ginger.
20:20That's just crazy talk.
20:22Well...
20:23Anyway, it's all a bit academic, isn't it?
20:25There's not much chance of you getting Deborah into bed.
20:28Really?
20:29Anyway, it's your big day.
20:31You'll be married in a couple of hours.
20:33Yes.
20:35Hey.
20:36One last cheesy impression as a bachelor.
20:39Come here, mate. Get this.
20:44Parmesan!
20:45Yeah!
20:46Well taken, sir.
20:48No, piss on, Doug.
20:51So, what have we got, then?
20:53Fox and a badger would give a beaver and an otter a sound whooping.
20:59Fox and beaver beats ferret and squirrel.
21:04Excuse me, mate. Where's Clive? It's time for the speeches.
21:09Clive, come on.
21:10Speeches, Clive, speeches. Come on, you sweaty git.
21:15Yes, but I'm not going to do it.
21:18Yes, but I'm in.
21:24Hello.
21:25Keep it short.
21:29Get out of the bloody way.
21:34So, who would have thought that Gary...
21:38..would get married?
21:39Hilarious.
21:43It seems like only yesterday
21:45that he was wondering whether to stay in
21:47and watch Blue Peter on the television
21:49or get his flares on and go out on the pull.
21:53In fact, it was yesterday.
21:56In fact, it was yesterday.
22:00Oh.
22:02No, no.
22:05No.
22:07How many best men does it take to change a lightbulb?
22:11I'd say... Ten.
22:12How many best men does it take to change a lightbulb?
22:15I'd say... Ten.
22:16Ten.
22:17The first to, um...
22:20No, no, I'll come back to that one.
22:24Gary wasn't very popple, that's crew.
22:31Oh, no, I've got it now.
22:32Wasn't very popular at school.
22:37Thanks very much. Thank you.
22:39I'd like to end Top Tony's speech.
22:48Firstly, I'd just like to thank you all for coming here today,
22:51some of you from as far as Fulham.
22:55I'd just like to say that Dorothy and I have been together
22:58for many years now, so we must be doing something right.
23:03And she's as lovely now as she was then.
23:06Can I just, um, say something?
23:10Um...
23:13Hello, everybody.
23:16Um, I've just had a call from the registry office
23:19and I'm afraid they can't marry us today.
23:26Well, never mind, never mind.
23:28I'm sure we can fit it in later on in the week.
23:31And in the meantime, let's, um...
23:34cut the cake. The cake in the shape of a dog.
23:39And, um, everyone have a great party.
23:55Deb?
23:56You know you promised to sleep with me after Gary and Dorothy got married?
24:01What happens now they're not getting married?
24:04Let it all go, so we can be out and about
24:10Take a dance tonight
24:16Bye, girls. See you soon.
24:18See you later.
24:19Bye.
24:20See you later.
24:21Bye.
24:22That's it.
24:23Oh, hang on.
24:24No.
24:25Put the, uh, the money...
24:28That, um...
24:30That wasn't the registry office on the phone, was it?
24:33Nope.
24:35I didn't want to disappoint everyone.
24:37I can tell them in six months' time we weren't ready to get married.
24:45Anyway, it's been eight years.
24:49I don't want to spoil everything by rushing into it.
24:53And this way we get to keep the wedding presents.
24:57Car's ready.
24:58Car's ready.
25:05Oh, happy.
25:07Yeah, yeah. We're not getting married.
25:11Good.
25:14Do you know, I reckon Dorothy's enough for me.
25:19Oh, no.
25:21I promise I will make love with Tony
25:24even though Gary and Dorothy haven't got married.
25:28Not jealous, eh?
25:30Signed, Betty Boothroyd.
25:39Oh, yes. Thank you for that. I've never been so underwhelmed.
25:50Bye.
26:11Bye.
26:14Hey, I thought you were going to decorate the car.
26:18Well, I did.
26:21Oh.
26:32I'm sorry.
26:42Well, here we are then.
26:46Yep.
26:50Oh.
26:59Shall we go to bed together?
27:01Oh.
27:05No, I don't want to.
27:12Oh.
27:14Ha! You see?
27:16That's what it feels like. Come on.
27:21Can you pull over, please?
27:23Pull over?
27:24Why?
27:25Well, there's the phone box.
27:27What do you want a phone box for?
27:29I promised my mum and dad that I'd ring them and tell them how it went.
27:33Yeah, I know what you're up to.
27:35Shh.
27:43Oh.
27:44Oh.
27:46PHONE RINGS
27:49Oh, shit.
27:52Hello? This is Gary. Checking in.
27:56Tony?
27:58I just wondered if you and Deborah...
28:00HE SCREAMS
28:03HE SCREAMS
28:11Sir, ring me if you've got anything to report,
28:14especially on the question of what colour Deborah's pushers are.
28:32APPLAUSE
29:02HE COUGHS