First broadcast 26th December 1998.
Gary is attending a security conference in Worthing and invites the others along - though they all end up sharing a cramped hotel room.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Amanda Drew ... Wendy
Lucy Speed ... Chambermaid
Peter Shea ... Cab Driver
Gary is attending a security conference in Worthing and invites the others along - though they all end up sharing a cramped hotel room.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Amanda Drew ... Wendy
Lucy Speed ... Chambermaid
Peter Shea ... Cab Driver
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30I
00:32I
00:57So Dorothy get the duff yet
01:03If
01:05It does happen Tony I'll be pregnant not up the duff
01:09sprog farming whazzed up
01:12In the fat club or any other of your euphemisms
01:22So you're not hanging a doughnut then
01:25What sort of birth control do you use get off method
01:34Take a long time to get pregnant can't it? Oh, yes. Yes. Everything has to be right
01:39yeah, the womb has to be in the right cycle the
01:44placebo has to be
01:46aligned with the Avery
01:50And the seed must be freed
01:54Oh
02:04That time of year again, we're gonna change your underwear
02:08The International Security Equipment and Services Exhibition I seki sex
02:14Seki sex
02:16Yes, I second
02:18So, where are you middle managers off to this year with your easy care slacks and your plastic attache cases?
02:24say shells
02:26It's easy to sneer, isn't it?
02:28All right, so a little bit earnest
02:30But this is our one chance in the year to let our hair down and go somewhere a bit special
02:33Where is it this year worthing worthing, right?
02:37It's a nice hotel and conference venue, isn't it? Yeah, it's very nice in a cold. It's the kind of way
02:43You could all come with me
02:47You can stay for free in my hotel suite
02:54You
03:07Hey, remember that big quadrille where sting was the bellboy in the hotel vaguely wouldn't it be brilliant if sting was a bellboy here
03:14You'd all be in the lift and all of a sudden he'd go
03:17I
03:21Have a receipt, please. I'm an official I seki sex delegate. Oh, well, just give me a receipt right now
03:29Okay, give me a chief executive on the phone now. Hey soft. Oh
03:34Listen, I'm a senior manager and your arse is seriously on the line on this one
03:40Oh
03:44No, I forgot the Lilo
03:50Tells don't you it's like having your own big house
03:58I've had a word with a manager about the room
04:01Says he'll fix it in the morning. I think he knows his backside's dangerously had a whack on this one
04:06You booked a cheaper room to save on your expenses didn't you Gary? Oh, this one's quite snazzy, but it's lovely old mold
04:15Features like the
04:18Lunatic in the bathroom a
04:25Free transparent, huh?
04:27And
04:33The toilets got a sash on it like miss world
04:39So this is like miss toilet
04:51They folded the toilet paper into a little v-shape at the end
04:57I don't stay in hotels very often. Do you Tony? No
05:06Hello room service, can you send me someone to comb my hair nicely, please?
05:14So what we're gonna do tomorrow
05:16Well, I'll basically be attending a Q&A session CCTV systems
05:19That's in the a.m. And then after I get to know you plowman's with Brian fog in a second
05:24You stop talking like that, please make me sad
05:33You know more commonwise always used to share the same bed didn't they yeah, you never felt they'd go the whole way though
05:39Did you?
05:41Right, what should we do now? I'm going to bed me too. No, you can't go to bed. I'm not tired
05:53I
06:07See a pint Gary no, thanks mate. I've got to keep my wits about me
06:10You drop your guard off an inch in this game. They'll have you for breakfast
06:24Don't worry about me save yourselves
06:31Don't worry about me save yourselves
06:46Pretty dark in here
06:50Actually, I'm quite scared now
06:54I'll Gary get him out and take him for a long walk somewhere. Will you?
07:14Yeah
07:15See the thing about Dorothy. I really love her. Well, she's very lovable as you know
07:24My suppose Oh change me change me change change I
07:32Suppose I love her because fair dues fair dues
07:41Now she's prepared to house our little baby inside of her body until such times it
07:48I'll tell you what else. I love about Dorothy. She's very rude
07:55Incredibly rude
08:00But it's not the big things I love about Dorothy I love the big things
08:06Things to above all it's the tiny things little microscopic things
08:13No, that's more
08:18I
08:21Need more beer in the boot. There is you know, you really shouldn't be driving
08:32You know, I've never said this before what dibble-dibble-dibble
08:37Wibble
08:43The doors come right off this can't be nothing but trouble since we got it
08:49So we go for a sweat. That's a terrible idea. Yes, I
08:55Have to get back to mine the hotel room. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, the night is still young. It's only
09:0316
09:07The stone is so smooth, I think that the the council have a special machine, huh?
09:16Yeah, I think it means some sort of giant civic roller based system using a grinding
09:37Oh
10:07I
10:37I
10:44Tony what is that?
10:52Don't touch my head
10:57Nobody touch my head Tony. There is an enormous fish in the room
11:07It's still
11:20Okay
11:26Still there
11:29What is it I don't know cod
11:33I
11:36Did you get it I don't know I can't be expected to remember
11:49Oh, I know it's ten to nine
11:51Oh, how'd you get it back here?
11:58It can't stay here. Oh, why not? You said the room needed brightening up a bit
12:05Not with a 10-foot fish
12:13Tony this is serious. You could be done for theft and criminal damage. Oh, it'll be all right
12:19We're gonna wait till it's quiet and then take it back on me mate
12:24None to do with me man. It was your idea. I'm a respectable member of the security equipment community
12:33By day mild-mannered manager of a sleepy branch office by night batted mischief maker with your drunken boy wonder
12:46Gary
12:48What's that on your jacket nothing
12:52What does your little homemade badge say
12:57Leave me alone
12:59It wouldn't say Gary Strang ma vice president by any chance
13:06That would be your ma from the University of made-up place with it
13:18Five stars, does that mean you're allowed to put the fries in the little carton?
13:27Yes, you can sneer
13:29I'm contributing to British industry. If I didn't your stupid little nurses wage packet look a bit slim, wouldn't it?
13:41Yes before you go can I have a strawberry milkshake, please
13:48I
13:53Great don't wait up
14:18Hello, oh
14:19Hello. What did you think?
14:21Quite interesting. It was wasn't it? I enjoyed your question on the hidden costs of failsafe wiring
14:30Who do you work for
14:32Security max. Hi Wendy. I love your mesh my what?
14:37Your mesh maxi mesh your company's fencing. Oh, thanks. Yes. It's a good mesh
14:44And you Gary? Oh
14:47We're a small contracting company, I run the London sub office keeps me on my toes
14:55What are you going to now
14:58I've got a bit of a gap. Actually. Did you fancy a coffee? Oh great
15:04Have you had a chance to explore the town? Not really. Yeah, I did sit on the beach for a bit
15:16I
15:27Am not very well
15:38Who is it? Oh, no, no, no, no. No, I don't need you today. Thank you
15:43Come back later. No, I'd like to clean my own room. I'm very fastidious
15:51No, no, no, no, I'd like to wash my own towels
15:56In my own washing powder made to my own special recipe
16:12Yeah, I've got a sort of a girlfriend actually we're not really getting along oh
16:18Why?
16:20Well funny enough
16:21Talking to you's made me realize what's wrong
16:24You're not embarrassed by me. Are you?
16:26Why is your girlfriend embarrassed by you? I have no idea. Absolutely. No idea
16:34No, mind you I am a lesbian
16:43I
16:45Know I never seem to meet men. Are you doing anything this evening? No
17:09Bye
17:13How Gary's getting on you don't think you're a bit hard on him this morning, oh, I know I'll apologize
17:22Actually, there is a reason
17:27Bastard
17:30My period's late
17:33Congratulations
17:35Have you told Gary? No, I wanted to wait till I was sure I
17:38Think I'm giving him a hard time because the enormity of it. It's just dawning on me
17:45Tony don't get so touchy. It's only a game
17:50Maybe Gary will guess you're pregnant. No, he doesn't understand periods. He thinks there's something to do with the moon
18:08Oh
18:13You cold I'm a bit actually
18:22Should we go
18:39A
18:42Free sewing kit
18:46I'm never going out ever again
18:50Everything we need is right here
18:53Where's Gary? I don't know. She'll be back by now
18:56He's probably gone to find some massive chips to go with our big smiley fish
19:02What are you gonna do with it Tony I'll think of something
19:08I've got a leaflet here for a stuffed animal museum and I want to do that tomorrow. Oh, let's play mini-golf again
19:15It's the only game I've been able to play without having to wear two sports bras
19:19We could resume our search for the perfect cockle
19:27Sorry
19:32What's going on very quiet
19:38Oh
19:59Bloody fish
20:08Oh
20:28Dirty boy
20:39Gary your penis has come loose
20:45Sorry, I just didn't want you to miss any of your conference. Oh, thanks. No
20:52How'd it go yesterday? Oh, it's all right. It's quite nice summit
20:59Dull people lots of very very dull people
21:03Me yes
21:06The dullest dullest time of my life
21:11It wasn't that bad there's some nice people
21:13Jeff Beddington
21:16Lance I think there was a Wendy Raul
21:21I'm sorry. I was horrid to you yesterday, but there is a reason for it PMT
21:29No the reverse in fact TMP
21:35I
21:41Think I might be pregnant. Oh
21:45Love that's tremendous
21:47Well, it's early days. I've not had to do a test yet when you don't be certain if you're pregnant
21:51Oh, well, I don't know. It's impossible to say it must be possible to say it can't be impossible
21:55Are you very likely to be pregnant? Are you not?
21:59You right about this, of course I am cock a hoop
22:06Oh
22:08Bad news read that
22:11Beach hut prices tumble. That's good news. Definitely
22:18Centerpiece of municipal display stolen
22:23See bad news very bad news
22:27The head of the council's Leisure Committee said angrily if I get home stop stop reading
22:34I'm gonna be recognized and arrested just when I was settling down and becoming mature
22:43So ironic
22:45Dad, I'm gonna be arrested
22:49Calm down just own up give it back. I'm sure they'll understand. Oh, no, no way. There must be another way
22:56Maybe we could chop it up into little pieces and eat it
23:00There's a fish
23:03I don't know
23:05Come on, Gary. Think of an idea
23:10Sorry
23:15Gary you'll be fine. It's like you say the whole thing's just a bit daunting
23:21Remember you had that wobble when you both agreed to look after your mum's sideboard
23:25Same thing is he'd have to love a sideboard or pick it up from parties in Scout huts when it's 16
23:32Yeah, oh I hope you're right I can't bear it if Gary's really changed his mind
23:38Keeps mentioning a Wendy, you know
23:42Slipping her name in in a group of names the way he used to when he was obsessed with Kylie
23:50What
23:52I'm sure it'll all be brilliant
24:01I
24:31Oh
24:48No
25:01Hi
25:07What this nothing
25:11That's the thing that was stolen isn't it? No, this is another one. I brought it with us. It's inflatable slips inside a suitcase
25:19I'm gonna have to report you
25:25Let me give you something
25:32A
25:37Sewing kit lots of different colored threads
25:48My girlfriend's clothes, I think I find this lovely tights that you'd like that jacket, okay
26:01Just do
26:31Oh
26:40How's it going
26:46Tony well, I
26:49Saw Gary kissing another woman a
26:53Woman other than Dorothy. Yes. You sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise
27:00Yes, well someone disguised as Gary yes
27:06Blimey
27:08What
27:13No, not where hey, sorry
27:18Gary seemed really keen on this girl and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant. Oh, it's all a big mess. Oh, yes
27:26Yes
27:28Still where hey
27:30No, not
27:33Talk to Gary he'll listen to you. Oh, he doesn't do anything
27:36I tell him to do except for his Ken Dodd impression. He doesn't mind doing that
27:41Well, I'll find this girl warn her off Gary
27:44She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Yeah
27:49Wear this and mingle all right, but you must stay and file my fish
27:57No
28:04Right Wendy
28:13Cheryl Angela
28:18Dr. Pam Popple
28:26Oh
28:47Get you later, okay
28:50Hello. Hello
28:53How are you
28:55Fine
28:58You don't mind me talking to you do you Oh Wendy no
29:04You don't have a badge. No, I'm scared of pins
29:14Wendy can I ask you a favor? What?
29:19Are you doing anything this evening?
29:28Why did you ask her out
29:30Just seem like the best way of splitting her up from Gary
29:34Better than telling her that Gary's got a long-standing girlfriend who he loves and you may be pregnant. Yes. She may like a challenge
29:43What's this Wendy like
29:46Very nice brilliant plane
29:51Bottom like a huge balloon
29:55You go out with her once but no touching. Thank you
29:59So no light snogging
30:06Sunglasses someone may have seen me steal the big fish
30:10I
30:13Know why you're wearing my suit. Um, I just wanted to be like you for a few hours
30:25So
30:26so
30:28Can I be honest with you? Of course me. I've fallen in love with someone Oh and Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant
30:36Oh
30:38How do they know that women I don't know I think it's something to do
30:45No, I don't know
30:47This girl can I just let her go I can't I've never felt like this about another woman. I don't know what to do
31:05Oh
31:21Bloody fish
31:30Room two five nine, please
31:33I
31:35Wendy it's me
31:42So, what are you doing tonight?
31:45Anyone I know
31:47Yeah, of course, I'm jealous. I'm really keen on you
31:51Look I'm gonna tell my girlfriend everything
31:57Okay, I'll speak to you later bye
32:02Oh
32:29Shit
32:32Oh
32:49There's no need to worry I've isolated the small fire
32:53A naughty fish I warned you a friend. I'd have to report you unless you got rid of that. Oh, yeah, he said
33:02Oh
33:18So what's your company called
33:21Tony's security company
33:24What you specialize in us at Tony's security company
33:30We may
33:32Really scary scarecrows scare things away
33:39So Wendy you must have loads of guys after you then
33:46It's really weird don't seem to be any nice men in the world and then suddenly to come along at once
33:51to
33:52Yeah, I met this chap yesterday Gary
33:56He's really nice and funny
33:58Sure, you mean Gary?
34:02Do you know him?
34:06But he's still involved with his old girlfriend so hopeless don't get involved
34:15So you haven't got a girlfriend
34:23Yep
34:32Mm-hmm
34:48Gary have you met someone you like
34:51We mean Jeff Beanie from zero I mean a woman no
34:58We're
35:01Not very good at being nice to each other are we yeah, well, I'm not gonna start now. No sure
35:11But this year we'll have been together ten years and I just wanted to say thank you. Oh
35:20Okay, thank you I
35:24Think I know why we've lasted so long
35:28It's because because we know it really annoys your parents
35:35And because basically we're very alike
35:41You are joking
35:46No, it's because we both felt that we could wander off at any time but in the end neither of us wanted to
35:55Yep
35:57And if I'm gonna have a baby then we can't wander off anymore
36:04No
36:07This is it
36:14I'm sorry. I've put your sleeve in the butter
36:21So you better make your mind up
36:27I'm sorry. I need some air
36:29Oh
36:53You know each other now this may not look as I'm doing this for your own good
36:58Okay
37:28Oh
37:37You said you love Dorothy never that simple is it
37:58You
38:11Careless
38:16No, I understand sorry, that's okay
38:23To be honest it all seems a bit complicated. Yeah
38:29Oh
38:37Tony how'd it go?
38:58Oh
39:03Thank God that's over
39:05Just wanted us to do it together, you know
39:09Don't wave it about like that wipe it
39:11Oh
39:24Is it ready yet nearly I love trains don't you it's like having your own long thin bungalow
39:32So, how did you get rid of the fish?
39:42Hey, if it's a girl or a boy will you call it Tony
39:48Well, oh
39:50dear
40:11You
40:41You