• 3 months ago
First broadcast 27th June 1996.

Dorothy and Tony are both living at the flat but Tony interrupts Gary and Dorothy in bed to inform them that Les, the seedy landlord of their local, the Crown, has been ousted, and the pub is being refurbished.

Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Bill Cashmore ... Workman
John Thomson ... Ken
Leslie Ash ... Deborah

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
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05:50I'm Ken, the new, um...
05:53Landlord?
05:55Landlord, yeah.
05:57What's happened to Les?
05:58Brewery sacked him.
05:59Why? He was a brilliant landlord.
06:01He kept forgetting to open at lunchtimes.
06:03Yeah, he did like his sleep.
06:06Yeah, well, look, we're not happy.
06:08We love Les.
06:09No, we don't.
06:10No, we don't. We feel sorry for him.
06:12Yeah, and I'll tell you something else, mate,
06:14we're not setting one foot inside your place
06:16until he's fully reinstated.
06:17Absolutely.
06:20Yeah, at first, the brewery wanted to rename the pub Mobiles
06:23for people who like to use their mobile phones in public.
06:26Then they were going to turn it into a shawoddy-woddy-themed pub
06:28called, uh, Shawoddy Woddies.
06:32Then they thought about a darts-themed pub called, uh, Tossers.
06:37Yeah, could go with any of them.
06:39Then the brewery decided to recreate the Crown exactly as it was,
06:42so I found an old black-and-white photograph
06:44of the pub before the war.
06:46What was it like?
06:48It was terrible, apparently.
06:50Lots of people got killed.
06:54What was the pub like?
06:56Oh, it had that authentic pub atmosphere
06:58that everyone now is looking for
07:00as we approach the end of a millennium
07:02and the beginning of a new millennium.
07:05It'll have horse brattice to maintain
07:07that authentic pub atmosphere.
07:09Pink ones.
07:13Right, well, thank you very much.
07:15You'll have to consider other premises in the area
07:17and check out the facilities that they have to offer,
07:19but we'll get back to you.
07:21Come on, Tony.
07:23Oh, it's like the end of an era, isn't it?
07:25Yeah.
07:26Oh, Gary, look.
07:28Towel from the Germans.
07:30Oh.
07:31I couldn't believe this.
07:37Hi, Debs.
07:38Hello, Tony.
07:39Bought you a present, as you've been so depressed.
07:42I feel a lot better now, thank you.
07:44Well, I'll keep it, then.
07:47I suppose it was a nice present.
07:49They're all nice, my presents to you.
07:53To be honest, I wasn't that thrilled with the chocolate knickers.
07:57Or the carrot you found in the shape of a penguin.
08:00Or the piece of wet bark.
08:02I love this.
08:04Here, go on. Here.
08:05Come on.
08:09You see? It's a condom machine.
08:12I rescued it from the Crown.
08:14Oh, have you got one already?
08:17I haven't, actually.
08:19I just thought it was something we could enjoy together, you know.
08:22No, Tony.
08:24You don't have to use it for Johnny's.
08:26Me and Gary have been putting bits of cheese in it.
08:28You know, throw a couple of pounds on the slot,
08:30twist the handle and, hey, presto, bit of cheese.
08:33You get your money back.
08:35I know, Tony.
08:37Or you can use it for bite-sized mini-wheats.
08:39Do you mind if I don't?
08:41OK.
08:43Oh, sorry.
08:46So, what's been happening?
08:48I've been getting into astrology, actually.
08:50Oh, the moon's in your anus sort of thing, eh?
08:55Don't go shopping on the 16th of the month
08:57or you might get sucked to death by guinea pigs.
08:59Real astrology has a strong basis in scientific fact, actually.
09:03Mm-hm.
09:05What's your sun sign?
09:06I'm a solero.
09:09That's an ice cream, Tony.
09:12OK, I'm a Leo.
09:14I thought so, because your sign exactly fits your personality.
09:19Actually, I'm a Capricorn.
09:22Why did you just say you were a Leo?
09:24Oh, which one would you rather be?
09:26Roaring great lion with a golden mane
09:28or a scabby little goat?
09:31Anyway, guys don't believe in all that bollocks, do they?
09:33Not unless they're trying to get off with a girl who really thinks...
09:39Real astrology, though, now that I do believe in.
09:42Yeah? Astrology, tarot cards, palm reading, you name it, I believe in it.
09:47You were just saying that.
09:48Get out of here!
09:49I've always got my head stuck in a book of astronomy.
09:52Astrology. Astrology.
09:54Gary's always having a go at me, you know?
09:56Always saying, come on, let's go bowling, let's go here, let's go there.
09:59And I have to say, no way, mate, no.
10:01I'm going to stay in and check if my ascendance is in Pluto or not.
10:05Have you done your full natal chart, then?
10:07Yeah, yeah.
10:08It's fascinating, isn't it?
10:09Oh.
10:10You must show me yours.
10:11You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
10:14All right.
10:15Huh?
10:23Right.
10:24Brewery.
10:25Acceptable.
10:26Mm-hm.
10:27Access?
10:28Small step could prove tricky on departure.
10:30Proximity of takeaway facility.
10:34Call.
10:35Leverage?
10:36Leverage.
10:50Come on!
10:52Come on!
10:56Come on!
10:58Come on!
11:05No!
11:36You don't think it makes the room look too...
11:39toilety?
11:43No.
11:44No.
11:45Oh, happy days, eh?
11:47Stood up that urinal.
11:48Happy days.
11:50I wonder how long we spent standing in front of them, eh?
11:53In the crown.
11:5498 hours.
11:55I got Anthea to work it out at the office.
11:57Oh.
11:58Busy day, then.
11:59Was for Anthea.
12:02Hey, I'll tell you a funny word.
12:04Spankathon.
12:07That's good, yeah, I know.
12:08Carsie.
12:09Oh, yeah.
12:10Carsie.
12:11What did you used to call a toilet in your house?
12:13Trevor.
12:16Eh?
12:17We had this family thing, you know.
12:18We're going to go and see Trevor.
12:20Where's our Tony? He's gone to see Trevor.
12:22Have you seen our dad? Yeah, he's with Trev.
12:26I mean, did you call it a toilet or a lavatory or what?
12:32Trevor.
12:35I'll tell you what.
12:36And we called our shed Nicky and our garage Steve.
12:44I'll tell you a word I hate.
12:46Er, dangly.
12:48Discharge.
12:50No, loo.
12:51Loo.
12:53It's one of those horrible girly words, isn't it?
12:55Like, debris.
12:57Yeah.
12:59Oops.
13:00Yeah.
13:01Potty.
13:02Yeah.
13:03Flip-flop.
13:04Oh.
13:05Girly.
13:06Frighteningly girly.
13:07And you've got your guys' words, of course, haven't you?
13:09Like carburettor.
13:10Yeah, and penalty shoot-out.
13:12Yeah.
13:16So, how do you rate the snacking amenities in The Green Man?
13:19Well, I tried to order a bag of dry roasted peanuts,
13:22but I must have been pretty out of it,
13:24because the barman came back with some matches and a small bar of soap.
13:27It's not the same, is it?
13:29It happened anyway, though.
13:30Yeah, you did, didn't you?
13:32Hello.
13:33Hello.
13:35Oh, no, you're not still doing that chart.
13:38It's only a pub.
13:40Anyone would think you were choosing the venue for the next Olympic Games.
13:44Let me tell you about pubs, Dorothy.
13:47Oh, God.
13:49The local pub is like a cathedral.
13:52It's where blokes go to be with other blokes
13:55and chat about the world as they see it over a pint.
13:58So it's not really like a cathedral, then, is it?
14:02All right, no, the local pub is like a library.
14:05Now, you don't just settle on the first library you see, do you?
14:08No, you examine it coolly, you see what booze it does,
14:12you check that it smells right,
14:14you get a feel for the bar snacks,
14:17and then, and only then, do you emotionally commit to it.
14:23So it's not really like a library, then, either, is it?
14:27No, all right. Pass the purple, Tony.
14:31What's purple?
14:33Purple is how long it took the bar staff to bring us two lagers,
14:37a tequila and blackcurrant and a slim panatella.
14:40Who was the quickest? Let's pretend I care.
14:43The Duchess of Kent, but they incurred a ten-second penalty clause
14:46for calling Tony, what was it?
14:48Um, completely not a drunken bastard.
14:52I don't suppose you'd ever think of judging a pub on what really matters?
14:55How comfortable the chairs are, how expensive the drinks are,
14:58how clean the toilets are?
15:02No. What do you judge it on, then?
15:05Whether the barmaid will let you bury your head in her breasts
15:08at the end of the evening?
15:18HE SNIFFS
15:20HE COUGHS
15:25HE MUMBLES
15:32HE SQUEAKS
15:36Bit of a squeaker there, mate.
15:41HE COUGHS
15:43HE MUMBLES
16:00Well, hey, look at the top bollocks on that.
16:03Don't get many of them in a suitcase, do you?
16:06For God's sake, it's a cartoon.
16:09Is it still?
16:11I did it deliberately. What?
16:13Acting boorishly so I have to react and then I say something
16:16and then you tell me I'm a nagging witch.
16:18That's too complicated for me, love.
16:22It's not just that, I have to do all the work round the flat.
16:34I'm sorry, love, it's just that...
16:37Well, you're better at it than we are.
16:40You're just too damn good at it.
16:48We're living together now, Gary.
16:50I don't want you to treat me like your personal slave.
16:52OK.
16:58I want us to be like a proper couple.
17:00All right.
17:02I'm going down the pub.
17:07HE COUGHS
17:10LAUGHTER
17:21I, um...
17:23I hesitate to ask, Tony, but what's this one?
17:27Athlete's foot lotion.
17:29Lovely.
17:31Get athlete's foot quite a lot.
17:34Oh, nice.
17:36Nasty little fungus.
17:38It is, isn't it?
17:40I quite like getting athlete's foot, though.
17:43Why, Tony?
17:45Well, it makes me feel wanted, you know?
17:50This little fungus has chosen me...
17:54..Tony, to live on.
17:58Yes.
18:00Yes, that's nice, I can see that now.
18:04You've got quite low self-esteem, haven't you, Tony?
18:08Oh. What's this?
18:10It's my birth chart.
18:12Oh, must have taken you ages.
18:14Don't you have to calculate the exact position of the stars?
18:17You can do it that way, yeah.
18:20Or you can make it up. Make it up, yeah.
18:23You see, Debs has got into astrology,
18:25so I thought I'd, you know, exploit her.
18:29A little bit cynical, maybe?
18:31What do you mean?
18:33Well, Debs is going through a career crisis,
18:35so she's feeling a bit worthless.
18:37She's a little bit vulnerable.
18:39That's great, isn't it?
18:43Tony, don't you think you should be helping Debra to feel more positive,
18:47so that she realises she's a worthwhile person,
18:49that she doesn't have to rely on astrological mumbo-jumbo?
18:54It's just a crutch.
18:56Yes.
18:58But it's a very nice crutch.
19:02Anyway, I don't just think of Debs like that.
19:04Astrology is a crutch.
19:06Astrology, yeah.
19:08Well, it's taken me ages.
19:10Look, I've coloured it in and everything.
19:12Well, I'll leave it to your conscience.
19:15All right. See you later.
19:21That'll be 96 of your earth pens, please.
19:27A pint, please.
19:28Oh, all the way at the top. All right. Yeah.
19:32So, tell me, Ken,
19:34you did this place up all from an old black-and-white photo, did you?
19:37Yeah, down to the last detail.
19:39Can I have a look at it?
19:44Check out the bloke at the back with the weird hat.
19:47You mean Tony balancing a plate of scotch eggs on his head?
19:52It was a less self-conscious age.
19:54The tram was king.
19:56People thought of nothing.
19:58And that's me next to him.
20:00Les took that at his free Nelson Mandela evening last summer,
20:04before we told him he'd already been free for five years.
20:12Bar still.
20:16All right, well, that's enough chit-chat, Ken.
20:18Just one or two questions.
20:21Coffee?
20:22Oh, no, thanks. No, I brought some lagers.
20:24It's all right, though, I checked,
20:26and according to the coordinates, Saturn's in conjunction with Pisces,
20:29so it's...
20:31All right, there we go.
20:33Right, now...
20:36What star sign are you?
20:38No, no, no, no, don't tell me. Let me think.
20:41I'm getting it, I'm getting it.
20:44You're a fire sign, aren't you?
20:48Let me look at you.
20:55You're a Sagittarius, aren't you?
20:57Yes.
20:58Yes! Yes, yes, yes, I knew it!
21:00I knew it!
21:02You've sent me a birthday card for the last three years.
21:05Eh?
21:27Right.
21:51Right.
21:58So, Ken, should we decide to become regular patrons,
22:01will you be offering flexible payment options?
22:04No.
22:06Bit of a disappointment, that, Ken.
22:08Will you be stocking dairy-based snacks along the line of cheesy moments,
22:12or do you favour a fish-based product, such as the Scampi Fry?
22:16Don't know.
22:19Will you be doing lock-ins?
22:21Is that a fish-based product, or a dairy-based snack?
22:25Lock-ins, Ken. Afters.
22:27Afters? No, not doing any food.
22:34Have you ever worked in a pub before?
22:36Of course I have!
22:38No, no, no, I haven't.
22:40My brother's sleeping with the personnel manager at the brewery, Mrs Swift.
22:44That point was off, Ken. I'll be needing another one on the house.
22:48Perfectly standard procedure. Is it?
22:50Oh, yes. Oh, all right, then.
22:53I think this will make a very nice local.
22:56Hello. Oh, hi.
22:58Vodka and tonic for the little lady.
23:00She likes it on the rocks, but that's enough of our sexual problems.
23:05Dorothy, please fill this kettle with water when you have time.
23:12Dorothy, before you sit down, please defrost the fridge.
23:18Dorothy, please iron by Tuesday.
23:22Do you want to make that Thursday?
23:25Do you have any idea what it's like living with you, Gary?
23:28Yeah, it's like whitewater rafting.
23:30It's a bit of a challenge, but ultimately satisfying.
23:33No. Shall I show you? OK.
23:35All right, mate.
23:37Look at the gristle on that.
23:39Look at the gristle on that.
23:53I don't know about you, but I wouldn't kick his arse out of bed.
23:57Come on, I think we'd better leave. Shut it!
24:01Here. Line them up, mate.
24:05Another pint for the little gentleman.
24:07Of course, he won't be ready for it for another half an hour,
24:10but still, that's enough of our sexual problems, eh?
24:15Oh.
24:22Right.
24:24I'm going to have a drink of water.
24:26I'm going to have a drink of water.
24:29Right. Listen here, you.
24:31I'm the new, er... Landlord.
24:33Landlord, yes. And...
24:35I must hereby issue you a verbal warning that...
24:38Nice todger.
24:40Bet you can't get many of those in a biscuit tin.
24:43Right. You're out, Lord.
24:45What? Both of you, you're out, Lord.
24:47You're, er... You're barred, sorry.
24:49Sorry. Get out! Get... Get out!
24:51Get out!
24:56Jupiter signifies my career, obviously.
24:59So, in opposition, that points to why I keep losing my job.
25:03On the other hand,
25:05Venus trying to Jupiter could indicate the opposite.
25:10What do you think, Tony? Shall I show you mine now?
25:15Yes, OK. Right.
25:17Right.
25:22There.
25:28Well, I was born under a wandering star...
25:36..with the sun basically shining in my face.
25:42Indications are that I am destined to have Congress
25:47with the Sagittarian Lady.
25:51If you look here, you can see...
25:53A rabbit.
25:55You've doodled a rabbit.
25:57No, no, that's a badger.
25:59OK, it's a badger.
26:01What has a badger got to do with astrology?
26:03Well, it's the sign of the badger.
26:06Symbol of...thing.
26:10Anyway, according to the planets,
26:13I must lie down here now...
26:18..and you must lie here in conjunction with me.
26:25Or perhaps you should just leave.
26:27Leave. That's probably the best plan.
26:33I'm much better at palm reading, you know. No.
26:37I'm Chinese Year of the Hedgehog. What are you?
26:40Get out!
26:43I mean, I suppose there might be something in it.
26:46We shouldn't just slag it off.
26:49Nobody really knows, though, do they?
26:52If they're honest.
26:54Or are people swear by it?
26:56They do, they do, they do.
27:01How do we get on to Marmite?
27:08I don't know.
27:10I don't know.
27:14Same about the old crown, eh?
27:16Oh, God, yeah, I don't know what came over Dorothy.
27:19I've never been barred from anywhere in my life.
27:24Except the swimming pool.
27:26True, yeah, the swimming pool.
27:28And the video shop. Yeah, and the video shop.
27:31And the Piccadilly line.
27:36How do you get barred from the Piccadilly line?
27:40Shoelaces, a bucket of sand, it's a long story.
27:50If I had to predict the future, though, you know how I'd do it?
27:53No, mate.
27:55Phrenology. Phrenology?
27:57Phrenology. Phrenology?
27:59Phrenology. Phrenology?
28:01Phrenology.
28:03Feeling the bumps on a person's head to predict the future.
28:06I saw a programme on it once, fascinating.
28:08Does it work? Does it work?
28:10God, no, how could it?
28:12It's a load of rubbish, isn't it?
28:14Of course, what you've got to ask yourself is,
28:17do you want to predict the future,
28:19stretching on and on...
28:22Like the M6.
28:24Yeah.
28:26Or stopping suddenly,
28:28like that little road by the station in Yeovil.
28:36APPLAUSE