First broadcast 4th December 1997.
Jonathan, Dorothy's ten year old nephew, comes to stay and Gary and Tony find themselves taking advice from him.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Zak Maguire ... Jonathan (as Zak McGuire)
Richard Dillane ... Ben
Wanda Ventham ... Deborah's Mother
Jonathan, Dorothy's ten year old nephew, comes to stay and Gary and Tony find themselves taking advice from him.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Zak Maguire ... Jonathan (as Zak McGuire)
Richard Dillane ... Ben
Wanda Ventham ... Deborah's Mother
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
00:54You know my mom's coming to stay on Friday
00:57Hmm, I'm really looking forward to meeting her
01:03I'll tell you I'd like to have as my mom
01:08I've I said that before
01:12You know, my nephew's coming to say yeah, why can't he stay in a hotel like normal people because he's 10
01:18I
01:21Wasn't there a kiddies hotel we could put him in I
01:24Think what Gary's worried about is bringing a child into the mature environment of our flat
01:31Yes mature
01:34That'll be the mature environment where you play your homemade board game. What's that stink with it?
01:41What's that smell?
01:44Believe me you're a last resort. I thought you'd been grateful for the company
01:48What's that supposed to mean? You know very well. Oh, do I really do?
01:58Seriously though, what does it mean? No one wants to spend any time in your company these days Gary least of all me
02:10Mambo that's a funny word, isn't it?
02:13I
02:15Don't want you two being so smug about either. I'd like to see you after eight years
02:19We used to be like you, you know, we had sex everywhere where you name it. It's true
02:29In the shoe shop
02:32No
02:34We did it in a supermarket there remember yeah, I'll seven Sainsbury's Camden Town
02:40Cereals rice pasta quickie sex and dried fruit
02:45and
02:47during Starlight Express
02:49In a wheelie bin
02:54Yeah, now that is commitment
03:01I have sex
03:06No, thank you
03:10I
03:14Should turn the heating off. Yes
03:20Nightmare what those trousers? Yeah
03:31Hope Tony gets on all right with Debra's mom. Yeah
03:34That
03:37Hasn't helped you and my parents hating each other. I don't know. We actually hate each other. They hate you
03:50Okay
03:54What's gone wrong Gary is anything wrong shocking hat
03:59I
04:01Think you should talk about it. Yeah. All right. Love you start. I'll join him when I understand what the hell you're banging on
04:14I want us to see someone about our relationship. All right. What about Freddie parrot face Davis a
04:23Relationship counselor Oh God, no love
04:28We'll perk up
04:31Just having this chats help no end
04:35They use this guy at the hospital apparently he's really good
04:38Well, he can't be that brainy if he spends his time listening to couples whinging can he if he had any brain to be out?
04:45shopping
04:47Yeah our pride our dignity a precious hour of our dwindling lives our sense of self-purpose
04:54I'll book us in
04:57All right
05:02So, where have you had sex then? Oh, you know only the usual places
05:11On a beach
05:14You've done it on a beach
05:17It must have been great not really sand was still appearing three boyfriends later
05:27We want to do it in interesting places
05:30It's exciting
05:37You try reaching an orgasm in a wardrobe I want to I want to try oh
05:45You've done it in a wardrobe
05:48Do it in a wardrobe
05:51Everyone
05:53Experiments when they're young. It's no big deal. I want to do more things. I want to do everything before I die
06:01Except get something in me. I
06:04Fall into icy water
06:10Dad can I ask you a favor? Hmm. Can we make love in a tree?
06:21In a hospital, no
06:30Isn't it just nice having normal sex with me in a bed
06:40Very much so
06:44I'm sorry. I've got to leave you Gary and Tony. What's not work?
06:51You have to remember they've lived on their own for quite a long time so they're a bit set in their ways
06:59They're very nice deep deep down
07:07Jonathan you know how important it is to grow up to be thoughtful and interested in the world. Yes
07:13Don't grow up to be a bit of a wanker
07:21I
07:30Isn't it time for your bed Sonny Jim Sonny Jim
07:36It's only half-past five but a nice early night auntie Dorothy won't be back for a while
07:42So
07:49Do you like Thomas the Tank Engine
07:53He's good, isn't he? Hey with his face all flat and blue
08:03Pop pop
08:10Postman Pat
08:12Postman Pat
08:14Postman Pat and his little red
08:26Hey Jonathan, give me a beer
08:29I
08:41Just did what I said, I know I saw would you get me one too? Okay
09:00Do you know how to work a duster? Yes, there's one in the cupboard under the sink. It's great fun
09:17Everywhere everywhere
09:19So
09:28Johnny don't let me stop you
09:33You must know about mothers, what would you do if you were meeting your best friend's mother for the first time?
09:38But you were a little bit nervous
09:42I'll just be nice and I'd wear my best shorts
09:50I
09:53Better pop out get yourself some shorts
09:58Lisa don't have to go and see the totty doctor
10:03The what the totty doctor the therapist hello, I'm Gary I'm a crappy boyfriend
10:11I
10:16Somebody's book of ladies. Yes. Thanks
10:21When something goes wrong in a relationship a
10:25Couple or two people which is the term I prefer
10:30Can adopt one of two positions a and B the a position I call ostrich the B position
10:36I call mongoose. I
10:39Don't know if you've ever watched a mongoose good they're always alert
10:46Tireless constantly maintaining what's theirs?
10:51Gary I think we should be more like mongoose than ostriches
10:56Yeah, yep, I think you're right absolutely, oh well, thanks very much
11:03Sorry about him, what are you doing later?
11:09So
11:12In our relationships we have to be
11:17What do you ignore him he's being a mongoose
11:26Okay
11:29Let's talk about anger
11:32Do you consider yourself an angry person Dorothy?
11:34Well
11:37Yeah, I suppose I do why are you angry do you think well
11:43If I'm honest, I suppose it's because I'm with Gary, but I feel I can do better
11:53Gary
11:54Will we be getting a plate of sandwiches?
11:58Do you think sandwiches are important do you only ever ask questions does that make you angry?
12:03Why do you say angry your parents angry? We're yours. Oh stop it you two
12:09Okay, here goes I'm going to ask the two of you to go away and
12:14Complete this compatibility questionnaire as honestly as you can
12:18Thanks bill
12:34Oh
12:38Okay charm charm charm respect
12:43Oh
12:58Hi
13:01My mother mum Tony hello. Hello
13:13I
13:29So Deborah came out of your body
13:39Yes
13:42What's your name Kenny, huh, like the tiny coin yes
13:51Or should I call you mom? No
13:59Have you come far
14:03Yes, Yorkshire, oh a lovely part of the country side
14:07Yes
14:09Yes, I yeah, I don't enjoy London very much anymore. Is that because you're quite old now
14:20I'll have the mushrooms and then the duck just get a part of my nose. You can do that here. We're very informal penny
14:28A
14:36Lovely lady
14:39When two people go out
14:41One of you has to be the policeman and the other one has to be the silly one. Otherwise as anarchy
14:45I mean look at the great couples John and Yoko policeman John
14:51Antony and Cleopatra policeman Cleopatra
14:55Mork and Mindy policeman Mindy
14:58Well in our case Dorothy got the policeman part
15:01But mainly it has to be said because when we first met at a party, I was dribbling and dancing without any trousers on
15:09You seeing anyone Dorothy
15:23Yeah, okay moving the discussion on from there
15:26What I love about Dorothy is
15:28See each of us in our lives has one big thing and Dorothy is my big thing
15:34What's your big thing sweet?
15:38Good choice
15:42Thanks for looking after it how's it going Jonathan fine, did he tell you the joke about the two barmaids and the rude monkey
15:55I
15:59See policeman silly one silly one policeman
16:05So, did you fill any questionnaire? Yep, are we compatible? Well, I am
16:10I
16:21See Tony believing we've had sex in all those places. Yeah
16:26Seriously though, you haven't been teaching him any bad habits. He's 10 years old. Give me some credit
16:40Yeah
16:44Where's your mum probably hiding
16:47Tony you should have heard the things you were saying last night. What did I say? Oh, let me see things like
16:54Penny have you ever been running along and swallowed a bee by a mistake?
16:59Penny where does Deborah get her lovely bottom from?
17:03Would you rather be penny a horse or fish?
17:08I'd rather be a horse
17:10I should have said fish shouldn't know
17:13You should have just said normal things. I was just trying to create an impression do me a favor when my mother appears
17:21Say nothing
17:23Okay
17:41Anything in the paper
17:59Got him a busy morning ahead
18:10I
18:18Think so mom. Why he's not talking. Can't you do something about his hair?
18:27He's a grown-up he can do what he likes
18:29I
18:36Sorry to keep you Karen's a trainee. I hope you're okay with her sitting in on this consultation. Sure
18:49We've evaluated your questionnaires
18:53Let's focus in on some of your responses. Oh, thanks Ben
19:00Okay
19:02To the question. What are major areas of disagreement Dorothy? You've put behavior drinking attitudes to women
19:10respect my friends farting
19:13attitude to my parents
19:15loud music television watching refusal to cook bad clothes
19:20sex
19:21Gary you've put nothing everything seems, okay
19:25To
19:27The question what are your partner's strengths Dorothy you've answered profound if misguided self-confidence
19:35capable of great kindness
19:37Gary you've put bouncy
19:46Preferred time for lovemaking Gary nighttime Dorothy morning religious beliefs Dorothy none Gary reincarnation
19:54lucky pants
19:57Ideal environment
19:58political allegiance Dorothy labor Gary monster raving loony stroke Lib Dem
20:04What first impressed you about your partner Dorothy his childlike exuberance Gary her car?
20:15Motto Dorothy be kind Gary if it's wet drink it I
20:20I
20:22Could go on so Karen tell me Capricorn am I right more?
20:27Worryingly perhaps you've both been flirting with the very people working to help you focus on your relationship
20:40I've never said this to two people before but I seriously urge you to to consider splitting up. Oh
20:50All right, so you see Jonathan you have to make sacrifices for the one you love
21:06Especially with your girlfriend's mother, but fortunately this came out really well
21:14Like a clown
21:17Oh
21:18Yeah, what do you think of this Debs and Tony's out and about lovemaking schedule the 15th?
21:25Selfridges probably the carpet department
21:28On the 18th London Zoo now if it's sunny outside
21:31We'll do it by the penguin pool, and if it's raining we'll do it in the reptile house
21:37There's a really romantic one on the 23rd a big green bush
21:43Can you think of anywhere interesting
21:48Sweet shop sweet shop good one. Yeah
21:57What have you done to your hair
22:00Oh, it's great
22:02It's like your mom said it was untidy
22:04So we've taken it off the forehead and created a fun shape on top of the head
22:09As the hair grows the curls will move down with the head creating a cascading effect
22:16Can't go out with him like that darling. He looks like a Spaniel
22:23Well make your bloody mind up you stupid bloody woman
22:28Mom well make your bloody mind up you stupid bloody woman
22:44And I put your favorite sandwiches in we really want to take care out there
22:49Yeah, and grow up to be a decent member of society
22:52And lots of sport eat fruit and
22:56Celery and help old ladies across the street that sort of thing hmm
23:00Except Deb's mom yeah
23:03Don't help her no hinder hinder her from crossing the street
23:09Can I try a cigarette what oh no you don't want to get into all that you want to take something up take up
23:15Golf yeah smoking is a mugs game absolutely dirty filthy
23:20Yeah, only inadequate people smell steady steady
23:34You must be
23:36Dorothy interests, let me see what was it reading conversation and travel you must be Gary interests. What was it?
23:45TV lager and lager products
23:51Lots in common I
23:56Think I've worked out what our relationship needs great
24:06Ceiling mirror
24:09Oh
24:12Thanks, I've got something for you come in
24:18It is a special girls edition of my lovely board game, what's that smell?
24:25Made out of proper cardboard and everything show the game now no I better get Jonathan back to his mom
24:30You've been quite a hit with him. I didn't know you were so innocent well
24:34You know we're all children under the surface aren't we?
24:38No
24:41Crush book and throw
24:47He's got it Gary he's got it. Thank you so much for your help come on Jonathan
25:00Just remember eat plenty of celery and help old ladies across the street except Debs mom except
25:07Debs mom
25:10Because she's not old not old in the slightest in any way at all leg it
25:26As hair
25:31Fine
25:33You look quite like Kevin Keegan
25:37I know I
25:40Was gonna say a clown
25:43You're right though
25:45The men's perm is very much in I read somewhere really yeah, yeah, I think it was the March
25:521975 edition of the hairdresser
25:54Or was it this month's clowns and clowning?
25:59Deb says she won't make love with me outdoors and tell me perm grows out
26:04Don't we try and iron it flat
26:07Burn me head. I think it's worth it
26:12How are you and Dorothy great hmm
26:15So you weren't put off by the fact that you went to see a professional he told you to split up
26:19No quite encouraged actually
26:22So-called experts. Oh, yeah
26:24We were still listening to the so-called experts would all be sitting on rocks sucking bones
26:29I
26:33Tell you I wouldn't mind being 10 again. Oh, yeah, you could suck your thumb in public. Yeah
26:39Shout things out. Nobody minded. Hmm. The whole boy-girl thing was a lot simpler to oh, yeah
26:45You're not to lend a girl your bike and you could do more or less what you wanted
26:49Unless that was just Tracy Simmons
26:52He wanted to do anything anyway
26:55absolutely
26:58If you had a daughter and she grew up and wanted to go out with me, would you let her not with that hair no
27:06Okay, would you let her go out with actor George Clooney? No, no, nor would I no way
27:15Have you ever had three in a bed sex with a mother and her daughter? No, no, no, nor have I
27:20I
27:26Have you ever been going out with someone and her mother's give you the wink
27:30No, I have. Hmm. Yeah
27:34Julie's getting changed upstairs. Come and have a chat with me in the kitchen. Yeah
27:39So you so I went into the kitchen and I walked me fingers up her back really slowly
27:45What did she do? She hit me on the head with a chip
27:51I
27:52Was only about 18. You always sort of fancy your girlfriend's mothers. Don't you? Yeah, why is that?
27:57I suppose it's because they look a little bit like your girlfriend, but you know, they've had sex at least three or four thousand times
28:10I've I've got you a little something actually Oh
28:20I
28:50Have