deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 28th December 2014.

Gillian is asked on a date by personable customer Gary but he has an alternative motive.

Derek Jacobi ... Alan
Anne Reid ... Celia
Nicola Walker ... Gillian
Rupert Graves ... Gary
Sarah Lancashire ... Caroline
Nina Sosanya ... Kate
Paul Copley ... Harry
Meriel Scholfield ... Beverley
Louis Greatorex ... Lawrence
Tony Gardner ... John
Josh Bolt ... Raff
Katherine Rose Morley ... Ellie
Felix Johnson ... Angus
Dean Andrews ... Robbie
Eloise Daye ... Local Resident
Jeremy Paxman ... Self (archive footage)

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:30Oh, I remember it now.
00:55Oh, go on.
00:57So, there's this fella and he's buying this face cream.
01:01Yeah.
01:02And he says to the woman behind the counter,
01:04this stuff's marvellous, I've only been using it a few weeks,
01:07you'll never guess how old I am.
01:10And she says, oh, 36?
01:12He says, no, I'm 47.
01:15And she goes, oh, that's wonderful,
01:17I must try some of that myself.
01:19Anyway, next off he goes on to post office
01:21and he gets chatting to the fella behind the counter
01:24and he says, you want to try some of this face cream
01:26I've been using, you'll never guess how old I am.
01:29And the fella behind the counter says, oh, 35?
01:34He says, no, I'm 47.
01:37And the fella behind the counter says, oh, that's wonderful,
01:39I'll have to get some of that myself.
01:42And he's just leaving post office
01:44and he bumps into this little old lady.
01:47Oh, right.
01:47And he says to her, I bet you can't guess how old I am.
01:51And she says, well, I probably can,
01:53but I'm just going to have to put my hand
01:56down the front of your trousers.
01:58And he's like, OK.
02:01So she puts her hand down inside his trousers
02:05and does a bit of a grommage around.
02:11Then after two or three minutes, she says, you're 47.
02:16And he says, good Lord, how do you know?
02:19How can you tell?
02:20And she says, I was stood behind you in chemist.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:44Hey, I never told you.
02:47Our Gillian's got a date.
02:50Has she always?
02:52Kept you waiting.
02:53No.
02:53I'm really sorry.
02:56Let me get you a drink.
02:57No, no, no, no, no, no.
02:58Oh, you've just been good.
03:01Othello.
03:02Well, that's something in itself.
03:06God, this is really embarrassing.
03:08Is it?
03:09Why?
03:11Gary, he's called.
03:13Gary Jackson.
03:15Because I'd forgotten it was Valentine's Day.
03:18Forgotten?
03:20Yeah, it's just one of those things
03:22that goes right over my head.
03:23Where did she meet him?
03:25Oh, he came into the shop once or twice.
03:28Then he's asked her out.
03:31Not that I didn't want to ask you out,
03:32but it wasn't, shouldn't have been
03:35obviously quite so obvious or full on
03:37as that would seem to suggest.
03:38And now I've offended you.
03:41No.
03:42Such a.
03:43No, no, you haven't, Gary.
03:45Honestly.
03:47I wanted a chance just to talk to you.
03:49And now I've gone.
03:50It's fine.
03:51Is it?
03:51Yeah, it'd take more than that to offend me.
03:53Really, believe me.
03:55I've been offended by people who
03:57really know what they're talking about.
04:01You look really nice.
04:03So do you.
04:06I've booked a table and
04:09do you have my seven?
04:11Gary Jackson.
04:14Your bonuses are on quantum physics.
04:16Heisenberg's original uncertainty relation
04:18concerned which two observable properties
04:21of a particle.
04:22Position and momentum.
04:24Yeah, location and momentum.
04:25Position and momentum is correct.
04:27Yes.
04:29Quantitatively, the product of the two
04:30uncertainties is always greater than
04:32or equal to the unreduced Planck's
04:34constant H divided by what number?
04:37Four pi.
04:40Come along.
04:42Let's have it, please.
04:43Four pi.
04:45Quickly.
04:46It's four pi.
04:48Hello.
04:49It's four pi.
04:50A similar uncertainty relationship exists
04:52between energy and what quantity?
04:56Oh, guess what?
04:57Gillian's got a date.
04:59Is she, Gillian?
05:01It's bloated.
05:02What bloat?
05:03Just came into the shop, apparently,
05:04and asked her out.
05:06Oh, that's romantic.
05:07Is it?
05:07Isn't it?
05:09Oh, it's very Gillian.
05:11I can never work out whether you love Gillian
05:12to bits or you think she's a complete blonker.
05:15Oh, it's kind of...
05:18Both.
05:24I've got something else for you.
05:28As well as the card and the flowers and the chocolate.
05:30What?
05:34OK.
05:38You know Christmas?
05:40Yeah.
05:43I was so happy.
05:45When, you know...
05:47And I was thinking with the baby nearly due and everything.
05:55Should.
05:58Shall.
06:03Why don't we get married?
06:06Properly.
06:09Married.
06:14Is that a...
06:16What is that?
06:18LAUGHTER
06:31OK.
06:33I'm going to tell you this thing that happened to me recently.
06:35OK.
06:36It's a story.
06:37Yeah.
06:40My mother died.
06:42Oh, God.
06:44I'm sorry.
06:45It was six or seven months ago.
06:48August, August 15th.
06:50She was 77.
06:51She'd been ill.
06:53And anyway, I was sorting through the house,
06:55going through her things, me and my brother.
06:58And I found a marriage certificate,
07:00her and me dad's marriage certificate
07:01in an old biscuit tin under the stairs,
07:04which I'd never seen before.
07:05Not surprisingly, because it turns out
07:09that they got married not in 1966,
07:11when they'd always told us they got married,
07:13but in 1967,
07:15exact same date they'd always celebrated,
07:18but one whole year later,
07:19which would also mean that when they got married,
07:22she was already pregnant four or five months with me.
07:27Do you know these things happen?
07:29Yeah, well, less so then, but...
07:30No, no, it's a myth.
07:33Does it matter?
07:34Yeah. No, well, no, no, no, not in itself.
07:37OK.
07:39So, anyway, I just happened to mention this to me Auntie Jean.
07:42She's my dad's sister.
07:43She's in her 80s, 85.
07:44She lives upstairs.
07:46This was over Christmas.
07:48Anyway, I'd said it, and she went a bit quiet,
07:51and then eventually, eventually, she said,
07:55well, I suppose if I don't tell you,
07:58there's no one left that can.
08:02Gordon wasn't your real dad.
08:04No way.
08:06Yeah. Wow, God.
08:08Apparently, my mother had a relationship,
08:12a fling with a man who was married,
08:15and then she went and got pregnant with me.
08:18My dad being my dad, or the man I always thought was my dad,
08:21he's always had a soft spot for her,
08:24and they were friends, and basically,
08:27he must have agreed to pretend that I was his.
08:30Oh, my God. So that's a... Wow.
08:32That's a...
08:35..a shock.
08:36Yeah, he's a nice man, my dad, and I never...
08:38I'd never had any reason to imagine that...
08:41Well, why would you?
08:43So?
08:45So I said to my Auntie Jean,
08:47well, who was my real dad, then, this man that was married?
08:51And she said...
08:54..it was that Buttershaw fella.
08:58I mean, it was a long time ago, obviously, but she seemed very sure,
09:02and so the thing is...
09:04Hang on.
09:08Which Buttershaw fella?
09:10Your dad.
09:14In 1966?
09:16Yeah. No. No.
09:20He married my mum in 1957.
09:23Yeah, well, OK.
09:25Do you know how many Buttershaws there are around here?
09:27I do, yeah.
09:29Can I just get to the end of the story?
09:33OK, go on.
09:35So when she said it was that Buttershaw fella,
09:37I said, who?
09:39And she said...
09:41..him, in the courier.
09:48Celia and Alan find wedded bliss after 60 years.
09:55She said, that's him.
10:02Has she seen her?
10:04No. She can't get about like she did,
10:06but mentally, she's bright as a button.
10:09OK. What you, um...
10:12Bless your auntie, but what you have to understand, Gary...
10:18..is that my dad isn't like that.
10:21Well, I don't know. Obviously.
10:23I've, er... I've not met him.
10:25It sounds to me...
10:27I'm just telling you what she said.
10:29It does sound to me like she's seen a photo of somebody in the paper
10:35and she's just latched onto it.
10:39Will you do a blood test? No.
10:41Look, Gillian, I don't want anything, Gillian.
10:44I just... It's...
10:46It's just that now I've started getting a little bit used to the idea
10:49that my dad...
10:51..wasn't my dad.
10:54I want to know where I came from.
10:58Oh, hang on. So that day when we got chatting in Greenoffs?
11:01Yeah, that... Yeah.
11:03That wasn't entirely, um...
11:05A friend of mine recognised you from the picture in the courier
11:09and after I told him this business that me aunt had said.
11:14I didn't know that it was Valentine's Day when I suggested tonight
11:18and I'm really sorry if you got the wrong idea.
11:22And I approached you rather than him
11:24because in the courier it said that he'd had a heart attack,
11:27so I didn't want to go giving him a shock, obviously.
11:30Well, that's...
11:33He loved my mum. They were nice, happy people.
11:38I'd just been born in 1965.
11:41He... He wouldn't have been mucking about with somebody.
11:48And you couldn't broach it with him?
11:52She's barking up the wrong tree.
12:03You up?
12:04I'm just taking Alan a cup of tea in bed.
12:07Uh, just quickly.
12:09Uh, Kate and... Oh, you have a nice evening.
12:12Perfect.
12:13Kate...
12:14Oh, we're boring.
12:15No, you're lovely.
12:16I know what they were all thinking.
12:18Dosey old beggars.
12:20All who?
12:21In the restaurant. I couldn't give them a break.
12:24Oh, I'm sorry.
12:25I'm sorry.
12:26I'm sorry.
12:27I'm sorry.
12:28I'm sorry.
12:29I'm sorry.
12:30I'm sorry.
12:31I couldn't give them monkeys.
12:33No, well, that's...
12:34That's one of the joys of getting older.
12:36You'll find you give less and less of them monkeys.
12:38Yeah, good. Sorry, I'm in a rush, Mum.
12:40Uh, you won't like this, but me and Kate, we're going...
12:43We're going to have...
12:44A bath?
12:45No.
12:46A party?
12:47No.
12:48A fortnight in the bananas?
12:49We're going to get married, so, um...
12:52So we've chosen a date.
12:55Why do you assume I wouldn't like it?
12:57Well, I know you... I know it's all, you know...
13:00Outside your comfort zone.
13:02I don't know why you think that.
13:04There's no-one more broad-minded than me and Alan.
13:09What's so funny?
13:10No, I'm pleased.
13:12I know you like to think I'm stuck in the dark ages.
13:15Well...
13:16Well, what?
13:17No, I'm pleased. I am. I'm pleased.
13:19I often flick through the G2 when Alan buys a Guardian.
13:24Uh, it won't be a big deal. It'll be very discreet.
13:26Just immediate family and one or two friends.
13:29OK.
13:30So, the Friday of half-term.
13:32Hopefully.
13:33We're going to see if we can book a nice little function room and a nice little hotel.
13:38It's... I just...
13:40We've heard that with the baby on it's where we ought to make it as official as we can.
13:43Then it's, you know, it's... it's official.
13:46And what will it call you when it arrives, the baby?
13:48Will you be its dad?
13:50No, I'll be its mum.
13:53Oh...
13:54It'll have two mums.
13:56Won't it get confused?
13:59The child needs a father.
14:01Mum, gay couples bring up children all the time.
14:03It's perfectly normal.
14:05No, it's not normal, is it?
14:07That's not the right word.
14:09It's becoming increasingly normal.
14:12It'll have two very responsible, mature, loving parents.
14:16And that's all that matters.
14:18But no dad?
14:19No dad.
14:20What the hell is so fantastic about dads?
14:22Look at my dad. Look at John. They're a liability.
14:24Alan's not a bad dad.
14:26No, well, Gillian's very lucky.
14:28I sometimes think you've turned out the way you have because of your dad.
14:31Do you?
14:33Well, he wasn't a role model, was he, your father?
14:36I thought you thought it was your fault.
14:38My fault? No.
14:40Kate said that when you went round to her house to apologise after you'd fallen out with Alan,
14:43that you said you were worried it was all your fault.
14:45Yes, because of your dad being ineffectual as a man.
14:49So I projected things, ideas and expectations onto you.
14:54Oh, so that's my dad's fault, that you projected expectations?
14:58Oh, in a sense. In a very obvious sense.
15:01I thought you were in a rush.
15:03Yeah, but you do know that's all bollocks, don't you?
15:05I was born this way, to grow up with Lady Gaga.
15:07Oh, I like Lady Gaga.
15:09Do you?
15:10She's nuts.
15:11I'm going now.
15:13She reckons to be a lesbian.
15:15I bet she isn't, no more than you are.
15:18Oh, no, I'm going to work.
15:21See you later, tar, love.
15:26Guess the latest.
15:28When Nigel Farage is thrown in town after realising it's not 1957.
15:34Nope.
15:36They're getting married.
15:39The lesbians.
15:41Oh!
15:43A little do, she says.
15:45Thank God.
15:46Are we going all the tiller the home again, dear?
15:49They do what they want.
15:52I told her, I said, we're very broad-minded, me and Alan.
15:58Why are you smiling?
16:01I think they're very well suited.
16:03Well, apart from the fact that they're both women, yes, possibly.
16:08I thought we'd gone beyond this.
16:10It's for the baby, so it's all official.
16:14I said, oh, will you be the father?
16:17She didn't like that.
16:19They're both going to be mums.
16:22I said, well, it'll get very confused.
16:25Will it, eh?
16:27No, I suppose one black one, one white one.
16:31It'll soon know its colours.
16:37More tea, Archbishop.
16:40Aye, go on.
16:43Here, they might have to get our skates on,
16:45or Harry will wonder where we are.
16:47What time's he due in court?
16:49Doses sod.
16:51You'd be late.
16:52I said they should have driven over last night
16:54so there wouldn't be a panic.
16:56Yeah, well, I'm here now, so come on.
16:59I could have rung our Yvonne, but she'd not have come.
17:02She'd have said, call a taxi.
17:04But she's all very well and good.
17:06But it's moral support you want as much as anything.
17:08Of course it is.
17:10And she won't want the humiliation.
17:12Oh, Harry, you made a mistake.
17:14It was a mistake.
17:16Anyone could have done it.
17:17That were first thing lock-keeper said.
17:20What time you meeting your solicitor?
17:24That overpriced pillock.
17:26Ten to.
17:28Hey, how did you get on last night?
17:30Didn't you have a date?
17:31Oh, yeah.
17:33Turns out he's not my sort.
17:37Thought you liked all sorts.
17:39No.
17:41Not always.
17:45Harry, did you...
17:48You and me dad,
17:50did you ever know a Mary Kershaw?
17:53From Upsiddle.
17:55I don't think I ever knew anyone from Upsiddle.
17:57Why?
17:59Where have you been?
18:04We've got a phone call with Alec Gracewell
18:06from the Independent Schools Association in ten minutes.
18:10They're after you delivering the keynote lecture
18:12at the conference in March.
18:14You're seeing Cressida Wade's parents at 9.45.
18:17Your HOD's meeting is at break.
18:19Then you've got the architects in again at 11 o'clock.
18:21And then you've got the year reps.
18:24Oh, and then first thing after lunch,
18:27you're teaching.
18:30Good God, am I?
18:32Oh, and your stepsister rang on your mobile.
18:34Gillian?
18:35Gillian?
18:36She said she's sorry to be ringing you when you're working,
18:38but can you ring her back ASAP?
18:40It's important.
18:42I told you I'd never get it back, that bloody thing.
18:45I don't know why they bother pretending sports cars have a back seat.
18:48There's nobody to shelf for your shopping.
18:54So, you think I'll be all right without this for an hour or two?
18:57Like I say, I've you to take to the vet.
19:00So long as you don't mind me wedging a rent passenger seat.
19:03Celia?
19:04We could probably get two more on back seat, back shelf as well.
19:08Yeah, I'll let a bit of straw down and then it won't make so much mess.
19:11Yeah!
19:12You're both so funny.
19:15Right, you just remember to mind your Ps and Qs, Harry.
19:18Be polite to the judge.
19:20PHONE RINGS
19:22Oh, shit.
19:24Caroline.
19:25Gillian.
19:26Oh, is it Caroline?
19:27Yeah, can I ring you back?
19:28In, like, ten minutes?
19:29Beverley said you said it was important.
19:32Yeah, it is, it is.
19:34Can you just give us ten minutes?
19:36Well, ring me back when you're ready. I'm in my office.
19:38OK, I will.
19:39Ta-da!
19:42Good luck!
19:43Break a leg!
19:47Dozy sod.
19:55So, that's it.
19:56I left the restaurant, I walked out.
19:58Thing is, though, if I don't broach the subject with my dad,
20:01he will, and then what?
20:03Well, look, either he is or he isn't,
20:05and if he isn't, he'll just laugh, surely.
20:07And if he is, well...
20:09not going to come as a surprise to him, is it?
20:12He knows whether or not he had a fling.
20:14Yeah, but he just wouldn't.
20:16Oh, when my mum told me about my dad being a bit of a...
20:18Well, I couldn't take it in.
20:20My dad, not my dad.
20:21My dad wouldn't do something like that, but he had.
20:24He did.
20:26And more than once.
20:28Did he?
20:29What?
20:31Have other kids, another family?
20:33Oh, no, no, no, nothing.
20:35Well, not that I know of.
20:37Well, you wouldn't necessarily, would you?
20:45There was this...
20:47thing...
20:49last night...
20:51when we were talking.
20:53Talking?
20:55What thing?
20:58What was your mother's name?
21:00Before she married your dad.
21:02Kershaw. Mary Kershaw.
21:06What was she like?
21:09Oh, well, she had a great sense of humour.
21:12No, I mean, what did she look like?
21:14Oh, yeah, well, she was quite attractive.
21:16Have you got her photo?
21:17Yeah.
21:24When I was little,
21:26we had a bureau at the top of the stairs.
21:30And I used to entertain myself for hours.
21:34Going through all the little drawers, tiny cupboards.
21:38It was all sorts.
21:41And I remember this little tin box.
21:45It was red.
21:47And it had a lock on it, but it never worked.
21:54And on the lid, in gold letters, it said...
21:59Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
22:03And inside there was foreign coins, paper clips.
22:09And there was this photo.
22:11A little photo.
22:13A passport photo, black and white.
22:17Of this woman.
22:18And I had no idea who she was.
22:19It wasn't anyone I'd ever seen.
22:23And on the back,
22:27it said Mary.
22:30And?
22:32Does she look like...?
22:37Oh, it's hard to know.
22:39It's so long since, but...
22:41As far as I can recall,
22:43I don't know, there might have been a resemblance.
22:46Well, could you ask him about the photo?
22:48See what he says, see if he reacts.
22:52Yeah.
22:54I could.
22:57But...
23:01You're right.
23:05I don't know.
23:07You're right.
23:10He wouldn't do that to my mum.
23:14No, no, God, no.
23:18So I was thinking...
23:23So, the thing is,
23:25I was thinking maybe you could...
23:29Talk to Celia.
23:33And she could tell him.
23:37You know, it'd be better coming from her.
23:39I'm terrified about his heart condition, Caroline.
23:41I don't want this thing hitting him from out of the blue.
23:44Oh, yeah, yeah, well, surely.
23:47If it is true,
23:49it's going to affect my mum really badly too.
23:53Your mum?
23:54Oh, it destroyed her when she found out about my dad sleeping around.
23:57I mean, it killed her.
23:59It changed her.
24:01Yeah, but...
24:03Even if it is him, which is stupid,
24:07it isn't like he's being unfaithful to her.
24:10Well, no, no, but, you know,
24:12if he's being unfaithful full stop,
24:14it'd put him in the same category as my dad in her book, wouldn't it?
24:18Would it?
24:19Oh, yeah, I think surely.
24:20It's got to come from you.
24:22If you don't want this fella talking to Alan himself.
24:25Yeah, but...
24:27Look, if he's a troublemaker and it's all nonsense,
24:30your dad will just say so, won't he?
24:32Yeah.
24:35Yeah.
24:38Yeah.
24:48What am I going to do?
24:49I don't think you have much alternative.
24:51Well, on the plus side, once you've sold your house,
24:54paid off your fines,
24:55you'd have quite a lot of money left over to rent somewhere with.
24:59No, he could buy another narrowboat.
25:01I'm not going near that canal ever again.
25:05How did it happen?
25:07It's easily done.
25:09Back at Stern, got caught on seal.
25:12Hint lock.
25:13You see, already it's doubled up.
25:15Basically, he got back of his boat, hooked on to the top of the lock gate,
25:19so when all the water drained out of the lock,
25:21Stern stayed up, stuck to the gate,
25:24and the bow sank down into the mud at the bottom of the lock.
25:29I could have been killed.
25:31Well, you shouldn't have been kale-eyed.
25:33It's easily done.
25:35You don't have to be kale-eyed.
25:59So, OK, so the bad news is they couldn't fit us in at half-term.
26:02They're fully booked, jam-packed, wall-to-wall.
26:04But, bizarrely, amazingly, as luck would have it,
26:07they've had a cancellation two weeks on Saturday, 11.30.
26:12What's this for?
26:16Oh.
26:18Well...
26:22We've decided we're going to get married.
26:25It'll only be a small do. There's no need to panic.
26:27I was just going to ask you and Will, Mum and Alan,
26:30and perhaps Auntie Muriel and a few people from work.
26:36Right.
26:39We thought before the baby's born, we ought to, you know...
26:43You can ask Angus, if you like.
26:47He's probably busy.
26:50Well, ask him.
26:55You hadn't told him. Sorry.
27:01Is it too soon? A fortnight on Saturday?
27:04No, no.
27:06No.
27:07The sooner, the better, as far as I'm concerned.
27:09Oh!
27:10How's the nursery?
27:12PHONE RINGS
27:15Oh, here we go.
27:18John.
27:19Caroline.
27:20Speaking.
27:22I just... I wondered, um...
27:26Are you all right?
27:28Yeah.
27:30No. Judith's, um, she's...
27:34She's lost the baby.
27:37We've been in the hospital all day.
27:40But she's over.
27:4230.
27:43What's the matter?
27:45Yeah, it's...
27:47Judith's lost the baby.
27:49How?
27:50It's been awful.
27:53She had to give birth.
27:56Oh, good Lord.
28:00They said it was the only way, with it being 30 weeks.
28:03Apparently that's... that's what you do, so...
28:06You had to give birth.
28:08So it's been pretty drawn out.
28:10And distressing, one way or another.
28:15I couldn't pop round, could I?
28:18Can he pop round?
28:20Of course.
28:22Yes, of course you can.
28:27I never even wanted it.
28:29No.
28:31But I didn't want this either.
28:33I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's been...
28:36Just sad, actually.
28:38Just...
28:40So sad.
28:42This little person who should have...
28:45Run around and...
28:47grazed her knees and...
28:49grown up and lived to a ripe old age and...
28:52breathed the air long after we were gone.
28:56But she won't.
28:58She didn't even get to start.
29:02She just gets nothing.
29:06Forever.
29:07Was it...
29:10definitely a sheep?
29:12Yes. Yes, a little girl.
29:17Life's so precious.
29:20And we just take it for granted, don't we?
29:24Squander it.
29:28He's in shock. You're in shock?
29:32Yeah.
29:35You're right.
29:38It's not fair.
29:39He's invalidated his insurance.
29:41He's 75.
29:42He would drunk.
29:43You can't make a man his age sell his house.
29:45And how else is he going to pay all his costs?
29:50Have you told Mum?
29:51No.
29:52How long do they give you to pay it?
29:5428 days.
29:55You can't.
29:56They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days.
29:58And how else is he going to raise that kind of money?
30:01I don't know.
30:02I don't know.
30:03I don't know.
30:04I don't know.
30:05How else is he going to raise that kind of money?
30:07Perhaps she needs a bottle.
30:09Come on, then.
30:11Right, well, I'll go and find out,
30:12you'll find out what it was she wanted to talk to me about.
30:15Do you want me to come with you?
30:16No, no, you stay when it's warm.
30:25I'm going to get changed.
30:26Right, love.
30:36Hey, what's up?
30:38I've breached.
30:42I'll sort her out.
30:44What did you want to talk to me about?
30:48Oh, OK.
30:51Well...
30:54It's a bit delicate.
31:00Do you remember when I was little in the house up Barkersland?
31:04There was the bureau at the top of the stairs.
31:06Oh.
31:07And in it, there was all stuff.
31:10And do you remember a little tin box with a red cover
31:15in the shape of a book?
31:18Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
31:22And in it, there was a photo of a woman.
31:26And on the back, it said Mary.
31:30Did it?
31:32Yeah.
31:34Yeah, it did.
31:40Did you ever know a woman called Mary Kershaw?
31:47No.
31:49No, no, I don't think so.
31:55I don't want to upset you.
31:57Well, you haven't told me out yet.
31:59OK, so...
32:01OK, so...
32:04As Mum used to always say to me,
32:08I won't be cross if you just tell me the truth.
32:17Did you ever have a fling with someone
32:21after you married me, Mum?
32:23No.
32:25Course I didn't.
32:27Don't be so silly.
32:28Right.
32:31Why would you think that?
32:32So who's this Mary?
32:34I've no idea.
32:35Mary in the tin.
32:36I've got no idea.
32:38Have you still got that tin?
32:39You know the tin I mean?
32:41Well, I threw a lot of stuff out when I moved in here.
32:44Yes, yes, I know the tin you mean.
32:48It was a savings box from the post office.
32:54OK.
32:56OK.
33:02You know, yesterday,
33:05my date with Gary,
33:08Gary Jackson,
33:12well, it turns out it wasn't me he was interested in.
33:17It was you.
33:21He thinks...
33:25He thinks you had a fling
33:28with his mother, Mary Kershaw,
33:32and that you're his dad.
33:36Look, if it isn't true, it doesn't matter.
33:38You know, I told him it'd be rubbish.
33:43It's just I promised him
33:46I'd ask you because...
33:48because he was a nice man, actually, and...
33:51If I didn't ask you, I was worried he would.
33:53We neither of us wanted to upset you, with your heart and...
33:58What does he want?
34:00Nothing. Just...
34:04Just to know, I suppose.
34:06Right, well, he needs to know
34:09he's got to hold the wrong end of the stick.
34:13He asked if you'd do a blood test.
34:15No, I damn well won't.
34:17Right, good.
34:19Well, I'll tell him that.
34:20Cheeky beggar.
34:23OK.
34:26Well, is that it, then?
34:28Can I go?
34:29Sure.
34:40You all right?
34:43I did love your mum.
34:46I know.
34:48I know.
34:51I know that.
34:54I didn't...
34:57I didn't know there'd been a child.
35:04Wow.
35:08It's shameful.
35:09A fella in his 70s being ordered by some overprivileged,
35:12toffee-nosed twat of a judge to sell his house.
35:14He could have killed someone.
35:16Yeah, but he didn't.
35:17He was enjoying his retirement.
35:19He had a mishap.
35:20Which would have all been fine
35:21had he not been over the limit.
35:23Who is it that he actually owes the money to?
35:25Who is it that's taking him to court, the council?
35:27No, it's...
35:28Waterways and Rivers Authority.
35:30Yeah, them.
35:31Evil bastards.
35:46MUSIC PLAYS
36:07Your mum never knew.
36:12It finished before it even started, really.
36:16It was ridiculous.
36:18An embarrassment.
36:20It should never have happened.
36:25How do you know she didn't know?
36:27She didn't.
36:30I'll have to take your word for it.
36:33What does he want?
36:36Nothing.
36:40I think he just wanted to know,
36:43for a fact,
36:44if it was true.
36:50What does he look like?
36:58You.
36:59Actually.
37:02Taller.
37:05He's very dapper.
37:07He's very charming.
37:08What's he do for a living?
37:10I've got no idea.
37:11He's married?
37:12Dunno.
37:13Kids?
37:14Yes, three.
37:15Tim, Toots and Teeny.
37:16I've got no idea.
37:17No need to be snippy.
37:18Oh, really?
37:24Yeah, I don't think we should tell Celia about this.
37:27What good would it do?
37:31Or is it a mistake, not telling Celia?
37:34Oh, I don't know.
37:35I don't like having secrets from Celia.
37:37No.
37:38No, after all, it...
37:41It's not like it's her you've been unfaithful to, is it?
37:49No, just me mum.
37:54And me.
37:57On the other hand,
37:58as Caroline pointed out,
38:00being unfaithful, full stop, in Celia's mind,
38:03could put you in the same category,
38:05same doghouse as Kenneth.
38:08What the hell does Caroline know about it?
38:10I mentioned it.
38:12On the phone.
38:13I didn't know how to tell you,
38:14so I thought if I told Caroline,
38:15she could tell Celia,
38:16and then Celia could tell you,
38:17but then Caroline pointed out that
38:19that might not...
38:22be a great idea.
38:23Fancy telling Caroline!
38:25Hey, don't you get shirty-berty with me.
38:30So, what do you think?
38:34About meeting him?
38:37I'd need to think about it.
38:41OK.
38:47Have you taken your pills?
38:50Yeah.
38:53Have you?
38:55Yeah.
38:57Yeah.
39:07She wants to go buying another hat in the morning.
39:10Celia does.
39:13Caroline and Kate are getting wed.
39:17Did she tell you?
39:18No.
39:27I think you've got to bite the bullet.
39:30I have.
39:31I've runt the estate agent.
39:33That one down Rippenden.
39:34She's popping up this aft.
39:37I'm very good at selling houses.
39:39I've sold four,
39:40and we've always got the asking price.
39:43What you need, Harry,
39:45is a good tidy-up and a lick of paint.
39:49Oh, that's a good idea.
39:51I'll be back in a minute.
39:53Is a good tidy-up and a lick of paint?
39:56I have tidied up.
39:58When? Recently?
40:00Yeah, just before you came.
40:02OK.
40:05I think what somebody would be buying with a house like this
40:08is personality.
40:10I think I'm only giving you an opinion.
40:13No, no, no, go on.
40:14I think your definition of tidied up
40:16and somebody else's might differ.
40:18Oh, yeah, obviously.
40:20Well, anybody with an ounce of wit could see it's got potential.
40:23And you couldn't put a price on it, view,
40:25out of that vellux windery thattick.
40:27No, no.
40:29I think that's your big selling point.
40:31It's a blank canvas.
40:34Have you thought where you might move to if it did sell?
40:38I'd not move in with Arivonne.
40:40No.
40:42Even if she asked me, wish she wouldn't.
40:45I've got an appointment with local housing.
40:47Ran them this morning.
40:49Nice girl.
40:50But obviously there's a waiting list.
40:55Right.
40:56Shall we make tracks, Mr Buttershaw?
40:58Mm.
41:00I don't suppose I could move in at farm.
41:02No, you couldn't. There's not room.
41:05Aye, but you and Celia have got your little pad in Harrogate.
41:08I'm like a doss in your room.
41:10Don't be so bloody daft.
41:17Yes!
41:18You don't have to come, eh?
41:20I don't mind coming, dude.
41:22But it'll be, like, boring, dude.
41:25So what?
41:26Saturdays are, like, boring anyway.
41:28You'd better not read out, like, any poems.
41:32Why not?
41:33Cos that will be truly embarrassing.
41:36Sorry, mate.
41:37Oh, yeah, cos poems are, like, truly embarrassing.
41:40Well, poems, no, not poems as such,
41:42but poems that are lesbino.
41:44What's that?
41:45Nothing.
41:46What is it?
41:47Nothing.
41:52It's not worth it.
41:53It's not worth it!
42:02Who was it?
42:05No-one.
42:06Who was it?
42:07No-one.
42:08Who was it?
42:10Subjection.
42:12Could you phone Sebastian Dixon's parents for me
42:14and explain to them that he's been involved in a homophobic incident?
42:17You have to.
42:18I'd like to speak to them at their earliest convenience.
42:20Yes, I do have to.
42:23Are you coming a fortnight on Saturday, Angus,
42:25to the wedding, as Lawrence invited you?
42:27Yeah, thank you.
42:30Nobody is going to bully or humiliate or ridicule me.
42:33It's not just about you!
42:34Or anyone!
42:35Anyone!
42:36It's not just about you!
42:37Or anyone!
42:38Anyone!
42:41In this school.
42:50Dark horse, isn't he, your dad?
42:52Yeah.
42:55You all right?
42:58I ought to be really in cross with him.
43:02I am really in cross with him.
43:06I know.
43:09It's a man moment, he's...
43:13And she never knew, he says.
43:17But how can I be cross with him, with his heart?
43:19I can't say,
43:20well, you...
43:22Jack bandit.
43:24The whole stuff he's called me over the years.
43:28Was it just the ones?
43:31He says.
43:33Do you think there were others?
43:37Not us.
43:38I don't want to know.
43:42I can't imagine there were.
43:45But Caroline says she couldn't imagine her dad.
43:48How did it happen?
43:49How does a fellow like your dad end up getting into bed with somebody else?
43:53I don't know, I'm not going there.
43:57Maybe it was an in-the-back-of-the-car knee-tremble type job.
44:01So does Celia know?
44:03No, shit, no. Not yet.
44:05Is he going to tell her?
44:06Dunno.
44:09So what's he after, this Gary?
44:14Nothing.
44:15Money?
44:16No.
44:17Compensation?
44:18No, he doesn't seem short of money.
44:21Yeah, well, don't you be fooled.
44:24Caroline and Kate are getting married.
44:26Are they?
44:28Are they?
44:29Apparently.
44:31You go in?
44:33Just the toughs being invited by the sound of things.
44:42How's Cheryl?
44:44Oh, she's fine.
44:46She's fine?
44:48Yeah.
44:50How's Cheryl?
44:52Oh, she wants a new kitchen.
45:05Oh, damn.
45:08Do you think this colour's too rich, too vivid?
45:12Should I have gone for something more pastely?
45:15I've no idea.
45:16Well, I'm asking for an opinion.
45:19I think it looks very nice.
45:23What's up?
45:24Nothing.
45:25You've been quiet all day.
45:28Why were you so snippy with Harry?
45:31Sorry.
45:34I love you.
45:36I love you.
45:43Do you remember when he came out of hospital?
45:46He said he'd decided it was time to give life a real kick up the trousers.
45:50Yeah.
45:52Kenneth's sister lives in Australia.
45:56Deborah, Debbie, we always got on.
45:58You see.
45:59What?
46:01There's stuff about each other we still don't know.
46:06Toowoomba.
46:07He's just left to Brisbane.
46:10The husband got a post with the university, education.
46:13He taught people how to be teachers.
46:16Of course, he's retired now. Husband for 20 years.
46:19What do you keep in touch?
46:21An email at Christmas.
46:23I told her about us.
46:25She was really happy for us.
46:30Well, we've got all this money
46:32that we reckon to be spending on buying a house.
46:36But the alternative,
46:38and I never thought I'd hear myself say this
46:40cos all my life I've been a saver,
46:42is that we spend it doing something daft.
46:46Something memorable.
46:49Do you fancy getting away?
46:51A holiday.
46:53A big trip.
46:55We could go and see Ted and all their lot.
46:58Yes.
47:00Yes, I would.
47:13I've got your text.
47:18Hi.
47:19Hi.
47:23Um...
47:25I've got a break in, like, half an hour or so.
47:28If you fancy a coffee.
47:30OK.
47:33Um, but the...
47:35I've got to go.
47:36I've got to go.
47:37I've got to go.
47:38I've got to go.
47:39I've got to go.
47:40Um, but the basic...
47:44..gist is that, um, is...
47:49..is true.
47:51He's your dad.
47:54He's your father.
47:58My father.
48:07Blimey.
48:11I was shocked.
48:13Upset.
48:15Really?
48:17Well, it was tricky for him with Celia.
48:22Her first husband was a bit of a worm, so it...
48:25It wasn't a very happy marriage.
48:27Whereas, you see, she thinks my dad, in comparison,
48:31is a squeaky thing.
48:34No.
48:35So...
48:36Did he show any interest in wanting to meet me?
48:42Yes, what you look like.
48:43I don't want to cause any problem.
48:45No.
48:46But I would like to meet him, if he...
48:50I don't know.
48:54Do you think he'd want to meet me?
48:56I think he's worried about what it is you'd want.
48:59I don't want anything.
49:01He's not loaded.
49:03It's not about money.
49:05No, I didn't think it was.
49:06I think maybe it's more he's worried about what you expect.
49:13He's just a very ordinary little fella.
49:17Does he not want to meet me?
49:18He didn't say that.
49:21I just want to say hello, really, I suppose.
49:23Now that we know for a fact.
49:27I think that's all I want.
49:30Maybe that's not enough of a reason if he doesn't want to.
49:36SIGHS
49:41I've never had a brother.
49:45I've never had a sister.
50:06You all right? Yeah.
50:09Where's Cillian?
50:10Bathroom.
50:14I saw Gary this afternoon.
50:18Told him.
50:23He'd like to meet you.
50:25He asked me if you were...
50:27I'm not... I told you, I'm not sure.
50:29I need to think about it.
50:32Why? Just...
50:36He's a nice man.
50:41Morning.
50:44What time are Seb's parents coming in?
50:46Half past nine.
50:47What are you going to say to them?
50:48Nothing, I'm not dealing with it, Mr Harrison is.
50:50Why?
50:51Because it's the most appropriate way of dealing with it.
50:54What if Seb's parents decide to kick up a fuss?
50:57About you being...
50:58Oh, they'd be very misguided and stupid to try anything like that.
51:01I'm a good headteacher.
51:02My private life has got nothing to do with the quality of my work.
51:05Well, you know, they gave birth to Seb, they probably are very stupid.
51:08He chose to raise the issue by putting that note on your back.
51:11If he, or his family, are going to try and use it as a stick
51:15to beat either you or me with,
51:16in the misguided belief that I'll take it lying down, they're mistaken.
51:26PHONE RINGS
51:33PHONE RINGS
51:39Hi.
51:41Hi, how are things?
51:43Er, fine.
51:45I've not heard from my mother for a few days
51:47and I just wondered if there'd been any developments
51:49with this, um, hiring business situation.
51:53Oh, yeah.
51:55Um, yeah, I should have rung you, sorry.
51:58Definitely, apparently.
52:00Well, he definitely had a fling with this woman and the dates of it, so, yeah.
52:04Oh, God, you never can tell, can you?
52:06My mother still doesn't, though.
52:08Who?
52:09Yeah, he's going to meet him.
52:10Apparently, Alan's going to meet this girl.
52:12Gillian's fixed him up with a date in some tea shop in Halifax next week.
52:15She's going to take my mother out shopping for a new outfit for our wedding.
52:18So it's all going on behind her back.
52:19She thinks her and Gillian are having a girly day out
52:22when in fact it's just a ruse to get her out of the way.
52:24That's more or less Alan.
52:26She said it like I'd choose to spend a day with your mother
52:28and I thought, don't you dare want to talk about my mother like that.
52:31She didn't say that.
52:32It's a subtext.
52:33You didn't say anything?
52:36Well, yes, in fact, I did.
52:39OK, well, Gillian, I'm sorry, and I understand it's a difficult situation
52:44and I really don't want to make it any worse than it is, but he...
52:47Well, someone is going to have to tell my mother at some point
52:50and if none of you do, I will, because my dad's deceived her for years
52:54and I am not, not having that happen again, ever.
53:00The thing is, Caroline, nobody wants to deceive anybody.
53:04I just think if he meets him first and gets that out of the way sort of thing.
53:10Yeah?
53:12Yeah.
53:14OK.
53:15Right.
53:17OK.
53:23Congratulations, by the way.
53:26Oh, er, yeah.
53:30On being a lesbian.
53:34You busy?
53:35Fortnite on Saturday?
53:38Oh, erm...
53:40Oh, you and Ralph, Ellie and the baby.
53:4211.30 at the register office in Harrogate.
53:47Well, we...
53:49It's not going to be a big deal.
53:51Don't feel obliged, it's just us and one or two of my friends from Oxford,
53:55a few of Kate's friends from UEA and one or two senior members of staff.
53:58It's not, you know, you don't have to, you know, feel obliged.
54:05Yeah, sorry, it's, erm...
54:07Yeah, sorry, Dan. Sorry, we're, erm...
54:12Well, I know it's short notice.
54:14Sadly, yeah.
54:15We're, erm, yeah, busy.
54:17Otherwise, yeah.
54:19We'd have loved to have, erm...
54:21Yeah, just...
54:23been there.
54:26OK.
54:28Hmm.
54:30So...
54:32He wasn't unfaithful to her, though, was he?
54:39I don't think it matters.
54:43She'll be gutted.
54:45She'll be devastated.
54:47But I do know she'd never forgive me if she knew I'd known and not said anything.
55:01I don't know why you won't come with us.
55:03No, I don't want to go trailing round clothes shops.
55:07Hey, hey, hey, don't spend up.
55:10Ta-ra.
55:12Bye.
55:42Bye.
56:02Gary?
56:04Alan, hello.
56:12Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
56:15Why did you let him go with you?
56:17She never told me.
56:19I had no idea.
56:20So what does he say? What does he want?
56:22He asked me if we'd like to go and have a meal at his house.
56:25Oh, my God.
56:27There was an incident at work involving Cheryl.
56:30I've heard the news.
56:31Which...
56:33So you lost your job?
56:35In just over three hours' time,
56:38we'll be shackled to each other forever.
56:41What the hell were you doing telling Caroline for?
56:44He hasn't told her.
56:46I know there's something bothering you.
56:48I wish you'd let on what it is.
57:11Oh, my God.