deaddogsmoking
  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 17th December 2013.

As John moves into Judith's untidy flat, Ellie moves into the farmhouse and Robbie installs his much younger girlfriend Cheryl in his house Caroline hears that both Judith and Kate are pregnant and rows with Kate as a result.

Tony Gardner ... John
Edward Ashley ... William
Sarah Lancashire ... Caroline
Louis Greatorex ... Lawrence
Anne Reid ... Celia
Derek Jacobi ... Alan
Nicola Walker ... Gillian
Josh Bolt ... Raff
Katherine Rose Morley ... Ellie
Nina Sosanya ... Kate
Paul Copley ... Harry
Dean Andrews ... Robbie
Rachel Leskovac ... Cheryl
Joanna Rowden ... Wedding Planner (as Joanne Rowden)
Gemma Jones ... Muriel
Ronni Ancona ... Judith
Marcus Garvey ... Gregg (archive footage)

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Don't you worry, you're the whore.
00:03Emily Jane Greenwood-Wallace.
00:06Oh, that's a gobful.
00:07Somebody only weighs six pounds three ounces.
00:10You can't call a baby that.
00:12What do they call it?
00:13Calamity Jane.
00:15I was so delighted when he told me he'd book this place.
00:17And then he'd go and book two separate rooms.
00:20That bungalow we went to see when I said we were just looking,
00:23we put in an offer.
00:25Morris is dead.
00:28Greg.
00:29Kate.
00:31Have you slept too hard?
00:33No.
00:34Are you dumping me?
00:35I don't think anything ever really started, did it?
00:41Will you marry me?
00:42Again?
00:43Go on, then.
00:44Yeah!
00:46Yes!
00:57♪
01:27♪
01:58Are you absolutely sure you need all this stuff?
02:00Yes.
02:01You'll only have it all to cart back again at the end of term.
02:03And...
02:06You nearly ready?
02:07Yeah, I've just got one more bag upstairs.
02:09Knit round and tell Granny William's guy.
02:13Have you had the divorce papers in the post?
02:15Yes.
02:16Have you signed them?
02:17Yes.
02:18Did you send them back by registered post?
02:20I sent them back.
02:21By registered post.
02:23It said specifically to return them by registered post.
02:25Oh, for...
02:26I have saved you thousands of pounds in lawyers' fees
02:28by organising this online.
02:30The very least you could do is...
02:32Got it.
02:38They're going.
02:39Hey, old palum, they're going.
02:56Ring me when you get there.
02:57Only if you want to and if you're not busy.
02:59Or drop me a text.
03:00I'll ring you.
03:01I wish I could come with you.
03:02Yeah, well, you've got a school to run.
03:05Proud of you.
03:07I'm proud of you.
03:09Well, hey, finally we get rid of him.
03:11And why does he exist?
03:12Beano boy.
03:13Yeah, special needs.
03:14Oh, stop it.
03:15The concert party's arrived.
03:17Just in time.
03:18How long does it take to drive to Oxford?
03:20Oh, it's three or four hours, I would think.
03:22Nah, a foot down, two and a half.
03:24Please drive properly.
03:25Look, lad, work hard, enjoy yourself.
03:28Thanks, Grandad.
03:30I'll see you, Gran.
03:31Oh, here.
03:33Get your washing done regularly.
03:34Girls like boys with clean underwear.
03:36Don't let anybody tell you different.
03:38Do I get a twence a grant?
03:40Yeah, when you get in at Oxford.
03:45Bye.
03:46Bye.
03:47Hey.
03:54No, I need a poo.
03:55Oh, that egg'll be boiling.
04:09You all right, love?
04:13Yeah.
04:15How was, um, big day?
04:28Me and Alan are off over to Rippenden today.
04:30We said we'd help out with the baby.
04:33Still back and forth.
04:35It's a shame that bungalow fell through.
04:38How are the wedding plans going?
04:40Oh, God, we never seem to get any closer.
04:43Why?
04:44Well, for one reason, he's gone and invited Ted, his brother.
04:49Oh, I didn't know Alan had a brother.
04:51Yeah, Ted. He was two years above us.
04:53Right.
04:55So what's wrong with Ted coming?
04:57He's in New Zealand. He's got five kids.
05:00And they're all married.
05:02And they've got 13 grandchildren between them.
05:05And God knows why.
05:07But because they've never met Alan, they all want to come over.
05:11Oh, gosh. So?
05:14Well, we weren't planning on having that big a venue, really.
05:17But now it's all become a logistical nightmare.
05:20How?
05:22Well, it has.
05:24How?
05:26Well, one of them's a vegetarian.
05:29Well, that's not insurmountable, is it?
05:31As problems go.
05:33Oh, it's all, where are they staying?
05:36And God knows what.
05:37And will they all get a flight at the same time?
05:40Right.
05:41You see, this is why we just wanted to do it all on the quiet.
05:45Well, you did.
05:46And then you decided to do this.
05:52Have you had any more inquiries?
05:57No, not this week.
06:11She's done. Can you take her? I've not brushed my teeth.
06:14I'm making you a sandwich.
06:16Yeah, but she needs to get her wind up.
06:21Oh, have you not done her nappy?
06:23Yeah, she hasn't.
06:24I think she has.
06:25Is there any tea left in that pot?
06:27Yeah, probably, if you squeeze it.
06:29Oh, that's lovely.
06:31I'll get it.
06:32I'll get it.
06:33I'll get it.
06:34I'll get it.
06:35I'll get it.
06:36I'll get it.
06:37I'll get it.
06:38Is there any tea left in that pot?
06:39Yeah, probably, if you squeeze it.
06:41Hey, Mum, can you take Calamity?
06:43She needs burping.
06:45You're going to be late.
06:46Yeah, I do know.
06:49I don't want to go missing the bus.
06:51Not this morning.
06:52I can't drive you.
06:53I'm taking August to Livestock.
06:56Is she?
06:58Yeah.
06:59Sorry.
07:00Calamity, is there no end to your shining wealth of talents?
07:08What?
07:09It's been a month.
07:10It's a month today since Ellie moved in.
07:13You said you'd make a decision.
07:15Yeah.
07:17So?
07:19Yeah.
07:22Yeah, as long as Yvonne doesn't stop slinging me the cash every week for her housekeeping.
07:27So, you're happy?
07:29Well, happy's pushing it, but, yeah.
07:31As long as she keeps pulling her weight.
07:33She will.
07:34Is she happy?
07:35With everything.
07:38She'd rather be here than with her mother.
07:44Oh, and we won't be in for us teas tonight.
07:47Me, Ellie and Calamity.
07:49Robbie's invited us down to his.
07:53Cheryl's cooking.
07:55Right.
07:56Is she?
07:58She's moving in with him, apparently.
08:02Right.
08:05Ellie.
08:08Ellie?
08:29Sorry.
08:31Hello.
08:33Beverly said you might have a few minutes.
08:36I can come back later.
08:37No.
08:38No, come in.
08:45Sure.
08:49Okay.
08:50Well.
08:52Amazingly, I'm pregnant.
08:57It was 12 weeks on Saturday.
09:00So, I'm cautiously starting to think about the future.
09:06And what I'd like to do, if nothing, is work up until next Easter.
09:14And then, ideally, if it's possible, if it's something you can accommodate, I'd like to come back part-time.
09:21This time next year.
09:23Autumn term.
09:24Right.
09:26How possible is that?
09:28I know you've always been very good in the past, with women who've left to start families and then wanted to go part-time.
09:36I have to leave it with me.
09:39If what you're really thinking is you'll be lucky, I'd rather you just said.
09:41No, I hope you know me better than that.
09:45I just need time to work out the logistics.
09:48That's all.
09:50Sorry.
09:52Okay.
10:03Congratulations.
10:07Thanks.
10:27Bye.
10:50You're too late.
10:51You missed her.
10:52Who?
10:53Calamity.
10:54Harry's been and fetched her.
10:57Hi, Celia.
10:58You all right, love?
10:59Not so bad.
11:01Where is she?
11:02With Harry.
11:03He wants you to text him.
11:04He's got something he wants to show you, he said.
11:06Down by Wharf, in Salby Bridge.
11:09Is that where he's taking the baby?
11:11Well, I'm assuming.
11:12What's he wanting to show us?
11:13I have no idea, but he seemed very excited.
11:16That sounds ominous.
11:18Down at Wharf?
11:19Yeah.
11:20What is there at Wharf?
11:22Water, ducks, geese, industrial waste.
11:26Are we setting straight off, then?
11:28Make yourself a cup of tea if you want to, but I've got to get to Otley.
11:31I'll just use the bathroom, if that's all right.
11:33Okay.
11:42Are you keeping fit?
11:44Yeah, yeah, I think so.
11:47Have you not got a date sorted yet?
11:49Have we, buggery?
11:50No, Ted Skyped again last night.
11:51They're all itching to book flights.
11:53Well, he's her sister.
11:55Has Celia got a sister?
11:57Yeah, Muriel.
11:58She went in a year below us at grammar school.
12:00She lives in Sheffield.
12:02So, what's up with Muriel?
12:04Well, Celia seems to have a very...
12:07What?
12:08Ambivalent relationship with her.
12:10Right.
12:11How come?
12:12No one to hear me, don't come.
12:14Optional it is, she can't decide whether she wants her at a wedding or not.
12:17Right.
12:19I suppose I can't wait to get on with you.
12:21I know, I know.
12:23Celia does seem to have quite complex relationships with people, I've noticed.
12:30I'll get to the bottom of it.
12:31Right.
12:33Good luck.
12:36Oh, text Harry.
12:37Oh, hi.
12:41Nice to see you.
12:43Hey, are you all right, love?
12:46Me? Yeah.
12:47God, yeah.
12:50Ta-ra.
12:51Ta-ra.
13:02Be honest.
13:03Right, it's...
13:04I think you're grappers.
13:06You haven't actually sold your house?
13:08No, but that's planned.
13:09It's all for sale.
13:10What, and you'd live on it?
13:11Permanently?
13:12Through the winter?
13:13It's grand and warm.
13:15There's going to be a wood-burning stove.
13:17Telly, DVD.
13:19Drinks cabinet.
13:21Satellite dish.
13:22Kludge.
13:24Come and have a look.
13:25No.
13:27Gordon said we can take it for a spin downcourt.
13:30Yeah, come on.
13:31Oh, don't.
13:38It were after Maurice died.
13:40You have to seize the day.
13:42His summat have all us fancied as far back as ever I can remember.
13:45Well, how do you go on opening locks on your own?
13:47Piece of piss.
13:48What are you on about?
13:50Ladies' present.
13:51I've heard worse.
13:52I meant baby.
13:54It means when you get even older, you dozy old sod.
13:57How are you going to open locks when you're juggling with a zimmer frame?
14:01Nay, I'll show it me son before I get to that stage.
14:06He'll sell his house, live on it for two or three weeks,
14:08and then he'll get fed up.
14:10He misses Maurice.
14:12Oh.
14:13Is it just three of us for supper?
14:15Yeah.
14:16What of Ralph and Ellie taking calamity then?
14:18Oh, just Robbie.
14:20Robbie's got this new girlfriend, Cheryl.
14:25So he works with her.
14:27She's a copper.
14:28She's blonde, gorgeous, 15 years younger than him, divorced.
14:34Is he making a point?
14:36Yeah.
14:38Course he is.
14:39He's always hated her up till now.
14:41Gone on about how annoying and dippy she is.
14:43So, yeah, men, transparent, what can you do?
14:47Present company accepted, obviously.
14:51Except Ralph says she's moving in with him, apparently.
14:57John's back with Judith.
15:00I'm really not interested in John, Celia, thanks, really, really not.
15:05Oh, no, I was just saying.
15:09I mean, God knows why.
15:11I honestly don't think they can stand each other.
15:14It's just a habit, a bad habit.
15:16How's Caroline?
15:18She's all right.
15:20Oh, yeah.
15:21Celia.
15:24Tell me about your sister.
15:25I didn't know you had a sister.
15:30Shame the wedding plans have got bogged down because of her.
15:34Oh, it's not because of our memorial, it's because of Ted, isn't it?
15:37About them not being able to make their minds up when they're coming over
15:40and where they're all going to stay.
15:43No, no, I don't think so.
15:44Ted's waiting for you to fix a date so they can all book their flights.
15:49Oh.
15:50Well, I got the impression that...
15:52No, no, there's no problem there, is there?
15:54Dad?
15:55Well, it'll be tricky for them, you know, coordinating everything,
15:59but no, no, I don't think problem as we are, Ted, really.
16:05Anyway, that's their problem.
16:06You set a date, they turn up if they can.
16:09I don't think they expect you to organise it around them.
16:12They don't, they absolutely don't.
16:14They're not like that.
16:29Have you heard from Will?
16:31Yeah, he's fine, I got a text.
16:43Can I go and live with my dad?
16:55Why do you want to do that?
17:00It's not...
17:02boring.
17:05Sorry.
17:06I really don't think that's a good idea.
17:12I'm sorry if you think I'm...
17:15not very exciting, but I've seen Judy's flat and believe me,
17:18you wouldn't want to live there,
17:19I wouldn't want to spend more than about five minutes there.
17:33Hello?
17:34Caroline, it's Gillian.
17:36Oh, hello.
17:38How are you?
17:39Fine.
17:40Fine.
17:42Good.
17:43You?
17:44Yeah, yeah, I was ringing you about the wedding.
17:48I was concerned,
17:50and I thought you might be able to throw a bit of light on something.
17:53Okay.
17:54It all seems to have got bogged down somehow,
17:57and I think it's making my dad a bit miserable.
17:59Oh, I know.
18:00Is it not to do with, um,
18:02uh, Ted?
18:03His brother?
18:04No.
18:06No, it isn't.
18:07That's what my mum said.
18:09She's using that as an excuse.
18:11I did wonder.
18:13I think it's to do with her sister,
18:15Muriel.
18:17Right.
18:18Right.
18:19Ted's fine, honestly.
18:21He's really easygoing.
18:22He just wants to fit in.
18:23Yeah, it's...
18:24That wouldn't surprise me, Muriel.
18:27Is she difficult?
18:28Auntie Muriel?
18:29Oh, no.
18:30God, no, she's...
18:31They're just chalk and cheese, that's all.
18:34Okay.
18:35Only, if we could get to the bottom of whether she's coming or not,
18:38um, they could move forward with things, that's all.
18:41Oh, she'll be coming.
18:42I don't think she wouldn't come.
18:43Well, pinning it down, then,
18:44so they can set a date.
18:46Could you ring her?
18:48Muriel.
18:50Yeah, sure.
18:51Find out what stage they're at in their delicate negotiations,
18:54cos I've got Ted and his lot Skyping every five minutes.
18:57Wanted to know when they can book their flights.
18:59The sooner they can book, the cheaper it'll be.
19:01Course, course, okay.
19:02Leave it with me.
19:03It's just...
19:04They're just...
19:05It's...
19:06Complicated.
19:08Yeah.
19:10Yeah.
19:12Oh, hell, orange again.
19:15I hate sport and nature.
19:17No, it's sport and leisure.
19:19No, that's green.
19:20No, that's science and nature.
19:22Is it?
19:23Yeah.
19:24Oh, okay.
19:26Sherlock Holmes, The Beatles, Shakespeare.
19:29Sorry?
19:30The answer.
19:31But I haven't asked question yet.
19:33No, I know, but it'll be one of them.
19:35It always is the answer.
19:37Or Manchester United.
19:41I've been thinking.
19:43Oh, aye? What with?
19:44Oh, you're so funny.
19:46Why don't I...
19:47Why don't me and Caroline organise the wedding?
19:51Really?
19:53Yeah.
19:54Only you seem to have got stuck,
19:56and I can't believe you want to be stuck, so...
19:58Well...
19:59We'd run everything past you.
20:01We wouldn't do anything you'd hate.
20:03Have you spoken to her?
20:04Just now, just this second.
20:06Oh, well...
20:07Why don't we just check out some venues for you, at least?
20:10And we'll suss a few out, and then you can choose.
20:12And we'll compile an invite list,
20:14and then you can cross anyone out that you don't really want.
20:21Well, I don't know.
20:23I suppose so, if you wanted to.
20:26We would love to. I would love to.
20:30Oh, who's this?
20:32Muriel.
20:33Muriel.
20:36Hello?
20:40Hello?
20:41I have just put my foot right in it.
20:43Oh, yeah? Why?
20:44She didn't know.
20:45No, Muriel didn't even know.
20:46My mother hadn't even told her.
20:48Wow.
20:49Wow, that's...
20:50Then butter, sure.
20:51That's... It's so perfect.
20:53It's wonderful.
20:54Gosh, you must be so happy.
20:56Yeah, yeah.
20:58Yeah, I am.
20:59So when is it, the wedding?
21:01Well, we've...
21:03Um...
21:04How did you know?
21:06Caroline. Caroline just rang just now.
21:08I am so deep in the doghouse,
21:09it won't ever be worth trying to get out.
21:11It's not your fault.
21:12Oh, Caroline.
21:13You don't know what it's like.
21:14Caroline, you didn't know.
21:16Oh, damn, she's brought the surprise.
21:18I was thinking of popping down this, uh...
21:21This very weekend.
21:22This coming weekend, to tell you.
21:25Both of us, me and Alan.
21:27How's she taking it?
21:29She's smiling.
21:31She looks happy.
21:33She's laughing.
21:35Yeah, well, that's just...
21:37You wait till she comes off the phone.
21:40It'll be Armageddon.
21:41The forces of Gog and Magog
21:43will gather from the four corners of the earth.
21:45You're losing me, Caroline.
21:47Yeah, well, good luck.
21:48I've offered to organise the wedding for them
21:50and I said you'd help me.
21:55Hello?
21:57Come on.
21:59Come on, we'll have a laugh.
22:01I could use a laugh, couldn't you?
22:03I'm...
22:05bloody well fed up.
22:08I have been for months.
22:11Yeah, yeah, I...
22:17Yeah, all right.
22:18Oh, wonderful.
22:19That'd be lovely.
22:21So, this, uh, coming weekend?
22:23I fix this coming weekend.
22:24Yes, well, if that was the plan.
22:26If that fits in with you and Alan,
22:27it's absolutely fine with me.
22:29You'll be thinking I wasn't going to tell you.
22:31No, no.
22:33Nothing could be further from the truth.
22:35No, you wanted to surprise me.
22:37That's nice.
22:38Yes.
22:39Well, give Alan my love.
22:40I will.
22:42Oh, Caroline was telling me
22:43her and John are getting divorced.
22:45Oh, what else did she tell you?
22:47Oh, nothing.
22:48She didn't have the time.
22:49I wanted to ring you to say congratulations.
22:51You'll have to fill me in when I see you.
22:53Yeah.
22:55OK, then.
22:58Bye-bye.
22:59Bye-bye.
23:00Bye-bye.
23:07Who were that?
23:09Muriel.
23:11Oh, Muriel.
23:13Nice.
23:15Yeah.
23:18Whose role is it?
23:22I don't know what Caroline was thinking
23:24of ringing our Muriel.
23:26Oh, she'd have assumed, and she wasn't alone,
23:29that she'd spoken to Muriel any number of weeks ago.
23:32Well, I never said I had.
23:34If you don't want her there, we won't invite her.
23:37What are you smiling at?
23:39You.
23:40Whenever have I said I didn't want her there?
23:43It's an impression you've given.
23:45Oh, I don't know how.
23:47She's always to be interfering.
23:50Hmm.
23:51Always has to be organising everybody.
23:53Of course I want my sister at my wedding.
23:57Good.
23:58Good.
24:00I don't know why you've got that expression on your face.
24:04She's all right, our Muriel.
24:07In small doses.
24:12And if Gillian told you to jump off a cliff,
24:14what would your response to that be?
24:16Mum, I've explained what happened.
24:17I am not going to go through it again
24:19because you're choosing not to hear what's being said.
24:21What you have to decide, when you're calmer,
24:24is whether you want Muriel there on the day or not
24:26because it's precisely no skin off my nose.
24:29It's your wedding, your big day.
24:31No-one else minds what you do as long as you're happy.
24:34That'll be John.
24:38Lawrence!
24:44I, um...
24:46Sorry, could...
24:48Sorry.
24:57This isn't your problem, clearly,
24:59but just so you're aware...
25:04Judith's pregnant.
25:08Judith?
25:11How?
25:13I mean, how? How can...?
25:16It's...
25:18Is it yours?
25:19She... Yes, she's not slept with anyone else.
25:23So I don't know, but...
25:24She went to see a doctor?
25:25Yes, just this week.
25:27And?
25:28It's definitely not something else.
25:32Such as?
25:34She wanted.
25:36I... It's all very...
25:40And the reason I'm telling you this
25:43might get a bit fraught round there,
25:46given that it's all just...
25:48Muriel, it's...
25:51So, as much as I'm happy to have Lawrence for the weekend normally,
25:56if you wanted to take him with you instead to Halifax
26:00just this weekend,
26:02I would completely understand that that might be the better option.
26:07Not for you, obviously, but for him.
26:09Popsicola?
26:12You're going to have to come with me.
26:14What?
26:16To Gillian's.
26:18Why?
26:20Because it's not a great weekend for us to do this as things have panned out.
26:23I'm not staying here.
26:25No, we're going to Gillian's.
26:26I'm not going to stupid Gillian's.
26:28I'm going to yours with you.
26:31It's Lawrence.
26:35Hates me. I'm boring.
26:37No, you're not.
26:38Apparently.
26:41Lawrence, you can't...
26:48You'll be on your mobile.
27:12Hello.
27:13Hi.
27:14Caroline.
27:15Robbie.
27:16They're off to York races, but they're...
27:18Hello.
27:20Hello.
27:21I'm Cheryl. How do you do?
27:23I'm Robbie's better half.
27:25Other half.
27:26What am I like?
27:27Don't tell me.
27:29Oh, it's a shame about weather.
27:32I like your jacket.
27:34I love the pattern.
27:35It's really classy.
27:37I don't know how late we'll be.
27:38No problem.
27:39Loving you and leaving you.
27:41Bye.
27:42Have a nice time.
27:44That's the baby. That's Ellie.
27:45Oh, my God.
27:47You're a grandmother.
27:52She's annoying.
27:56Bloody York races.
27:58I need to burn.
28:00I'm going to burn.
28:02I'm going to burn.
28:04I'm going to burn.
28:06I need to burn.
28:07She's got her own work.
28:09She's got her own work.
28:10I thought...
28:12Weren't you and Robbie...
28:13No.
28:14Hell no.
28:15That went tits up months ago.
28:18I'm sorry.
28:20Right.
28:21Batman.
28:22What's the plan?
28:23Lunch.
28:24Somewhere nice.
28:25To be honest,
28:26I'm a bit skint this week.
28:28Well, I'm not.
28:29I'm loaded.
28:31I can't have you paying for me.
28:32Yes, you can.
28:33Get your stuff.
28:36Do I need to get dressed up?
28:38Only if you want to.
28:41Where are we going?
28:42It's a surprise.
28:44Whose car are we going in?
28:45I don't care.
29:06I came here with Kate three months ago.
29:24It was horrendous.
29:25It was when we fell out.
29:27Struck me as being a nice place for a wedding.
29:30I'm sorry you fell out.
29:32Tell me about Muriel.
29:34And your mum.
29:35What's all that about then?
29:36Well, it's a long story.
29:38Well, it's an old story.
29:41And it may be me reading too much into things.
29:43I mean, she's never actually said anything.
29:45You don't have to tell me, honestly.
29:46I'm only being nosy.
29:48My mum,
29:51after they moved to Sheffield,
29:54after presumably she'd given up on your dad ever getting in touch,
29:58went out with this lad, Frank.
30:03It was serious, apparently, but then the upshot was
30:06he ended up marrying Muriel.
30:09No, no way.
30:11Of course, my mum's version is that she dumped him
30:13and then he took up with their Muriel, but
30:16why would she be so funny about Muriel so many years on?
30:21All I know is
30:23they'd had a spat about something, Muriel and my mum.
30:27This is, God, years ago, just after me and John got married.
30:31And she was upset, Muriel was.
30:34So I popped round to see her,
30:36to see if I could pour oil on whatever.
30:40And she said,
30:42what it is is
30:45she's never really forgiven me about Frank.
30:49And stupidly, I didn't say, what do you mean?
30:52I think I just left.
30:55Where is Frank?
30:57Dead.
30:58Years ago.
31:01Are you the two ladies inquiring about wedding facilities?
31:03Yes.
31:04Would you like to have a look at the brochures?
31:06Have lunch, then perhaps I can show you round.
31:22Um...
31:25I know you wouldn't mention it, but just so you know,
31:28Muriel never knew about me and Kenneth.
31:31About all the ups and downs we had
31:34after I found out he'd been mucking about behind my back.
31:37OK.
31:38Like I say, I know you wouldn't, but...
31:41Not the sort of sister you could confide in, then,
31:44when it came to crunch.
31:45No, no.
31:47Not our Muriel.
31:48Who did you confide in?
31:51Well, no one.
31:53Nobody.
31:54I didn't want fault knowing.
31:56I nearly told my mother once,
31:59when I was at a particularly low ebb,
32:02but it would have broken her heart,
32:05and she'd have killed him, and she would.
32:08So, no.
32:10I dealt with it on my own.
32:13Then I told Caroline, eventually,
32:16when she was old enough to understand.
32:19And then, yeah,
32:22you were the only other person I ever told.
32:31I've got a table booked for this evening for seven.
32:34It's just down here.
32:35We've got an Italian restaurant just two streets away.
32:38It's very nice, very good.
32:39We're very lucky.
32:41Do you like Italian, Alan?
32:42Oh, I can eat anything.
32:43And this afternoon, Martin Joanne said they'd pop in with the girls.
32:47How long is it since you've seen the girls, Celia?
32:50They've shot up.
32:52Martin's my eldest.
32:53Laura's just started the second year of her A-levels.
32:56She's doing very well.
32:58William's gone to Oxford.
33:00How's it getting on?
33:01Fine, as far as we know.
33:03He's only been there a week.
33:04Do you have grandchildren, Alan?
33:05Just the one, Raphael.
33:07He's just started second year of his A-levels as well.
33:11Same as your...
33:12Laura.
33:13Laura, yeah.
33:14Oh, you must be so proud of him, William.
33:17I always think pride comes before a fall, so...
33:20Yeah, of course she's proud of him.
33:22I'm proud of him.
33:23He's not even my lad.
33:24Oh.
33:25What does your daughter do, Alan?
33:27She farms.
33:28She's a farmer.
33:29She farms sheep.
33:30Oh.
33:31All the things you might have said, and I'd been guessing,
33:33that would not have been one of them.
33:35Is it a special variety?
33:37Breed?
33:38No, no, no.
33:39It's just a bog standard.
33:40Swaledales.
33:41Fascinating.
33:42It can be.
33:43Lambing.
33:44Oh, yes.
33:46Tell me about Caroline.
33:48What about her?
33:49Her and John.
33:50Oh, well, he started messing about with somebody else.
33:55No.
33:56No.
33:57He's an idiot.
33:58John?
33:59Well, yeah.
34:00I am sorry.
34:01That was about a year ago.
34:0218 months.
34:03Of course, he came crawling back.
34:05When was it?
34:06Three or four months since.
34:08Realising what a fool he'd been, but...
34:10But she'd moved on.
34:11But she realised.
34:12She didn't need him anymore.
34:13Good for her.
34:14I think so.
34:15Good for her!
34:16Absolutely.
34:17Absolutely.
34:18Well, I'm going to make another pot of tea, Alan, if you...
34:21Must you?
34:22Yes, plenty.
34:23We should go into the garden.
34:25It's such a lovely day.
34:27Oh, I don't know how much more of this I could stand.
34:31What?
34:32Who does she think she is?
34:34And what do you do, you little person?
34:36Oh, she seems right.
34:38Why do folk ask a question and then interrupt
34:41as soon as you embark on an answer?
34:43She's just thrilled to see you.
34:45She's just...
34:46There were Martin.
34:47There were Laura.
34:48She wants to put a sock in it.
34:50She never stops.
34:52Do not tell her about Caroline.
34:56Instead of tea, can I tempt anyone to a gin and tonic?
35:03She'd love that.
35:06She'd love this.
35:07Mm, so would I.
35:08Can we talk about costs?
35:10Packages, deals, numbers.
35:12Of course.
35:13Coming off you ladies a glass of champagne.
35:15And...
35:16Yes.
35:18Do you want to join me in the Waterhouse Bar when you're ready?
35:22If I drink too much, can you drive my lamb over?
35:25What if I drink too much?
35:28You'll be up shit creek.
35:30SHE CHUCKLES
35:36DOOR CREAKS
35:50I'm going out.
35:52Is this too loud?
35:53No, no. It's me. It's fine.
35:55We can turn it down.
35:56It's fine. It's just...
35:58I can't concentrate.
36:00Where are you going?
36:01Just for a walk.
36:02Shall we all go?
36:03No.
36:04We can all go.
36:05I just... No. No, you.
36:09Perhaps you can get something for supper while you're out?
36:12Pizzas or...?
36:14Yeah.
36:15How long will you be?
36:16I don't know. It doesn't matter.
36:18Have you got your mobile?
36:27Isn't she too old to be pregnant?
36:29Well...
36:30No.
36:32Is she all right?
36:34I...
36:35It's...
36:37Why do you ask if she's got a mobile?
36:39Oh, she can't.
36:41She doesn't. She sometimes, um...
36:43What?
36:45I'll just follow her.
36:49I'll just make sure she doesn't...
36:51She shouldn't really be drinking, you see.
36:53Right.
36:54Shall we go?
36:56Famous last words.
37:03MUSIC CONTINUES
37:09How are you, Wallace?
37:10Good Lord, he once asked me out.
37:12Oh, had he asked everyone out?
37:14Oh, I'm sorry.
37:15No, no, I know he did.
37:17I didn't say yes.
37:19Did he ever ask you out, Celia?
37:21He wouldn't dare.
37:23We're related now, me and Harry.
37:26Oh.
37:27Oh, well, did you not tell me you're...
37:30No, I hadn't.
37:32Well, I've got a great grandchild, Emily.
37:35Emily Jane.
37:37He's Harry's granddaughter and my grandson, Rath.
37:40They've...
37:41I thought...
37:42Did he not say we're still doing his A-levels?
37:45Yes, they're very young.
37:47They're both still at school.
37:49Wow.
37:51It happens.
37:52They're very fond of each other.
37:53Oh, of course.
37:54And they're not daft.
37:55Well, they were, obviously.
37:57It wouldn't have happened.
37:58So they've risen to the occasion.
38:00Yes.
38:01Yes, they seem to be doing.
38:04Gosh.
38:09Do you think Caroline will ever get married again, Celia?
38:12Is there anyone?
38:14Well, she's very attractive.
38:16I doubt it. I think she's seen the light.
38:18Seen the light?
38:19As regards men, I think she's worked out
38:22what shallow-minded halfwits they are.
38:25Oh, not you.
38:27Oh, not you.
38:29Not you, never you.
38:31Oh, so wonderful.
38:33It's so perfect.
38:35What a shame it didn't happen all those years ago.
38:38Yeah.
38:39Yeah.
38:41In oh, so many ways.
38:44Although we wouldn't have had our Caroline and our Gillian.
38:48PHONE RINGS
38:55Hello, love.
38:56Mum, this place we're visiting is perfect.
38:59I think you'll love it.
39:00And there are various different options.
39:01It depends how far you want to push the boat out.
39:03But honestly, I think you'll be charmed.
39:05But the point is, the only day they've got free
39:08this side of Christmas, and it's a way off,
39:10is Tuesday, the 24th of December, so...
39:13Well, that's Christmas Eve.
39:15Yeah, I know it's Christmas Eve.
39:17So we need to make a decision because it'll probably go.
39:19They're very popular.
39:21I think they think we're getting married.
39:24Can you email me some pictures to Muriel's address
39:28so we can have a look?
39:29Just hang on, Mum.
39:31Why would they think that?
39:34I'm guessing that they remember you bringing Kate here
39:39and they think that I'm just another one of your women.
39:44Hello?
39:46Are you there, Caroline?
39:51Hello, sorry.
39:53Can you email me some pictures?
39:55Yeah, I can.
39:58I've got Muriel's email address on my phone.
40:02What are you laughing at?
40:03Nothing, I've just had some champagne, that's all.
40:07Oh, don't do that.
40:08Hang on.
40:09It's frightening.
40:10All right.
40:11My pelvic floor isn't what it was.
40:13I'm going to finish with you if you're not careful.
40:15I can't hear what you're saying.
40:18Yeah, I'm going to send you some photos and a list of costs, Mum.
40:21OK.
40:22Are you having a nice time?
40:24No.
40:25I'm sorry I rang.
40:27I'm sorry I put my foot in it.
40:29It's fine.
40:30It's forgotten you didn't know.
40:32I love you.
40:34I love you.
40:36Bye.
40:37Bye.
40:38Bye-bye.
40:48How are we doing, ladies?
40:52LAUGHTER
41:08That's fantastic.
41:10Thank you very much.
41:11We will.
41:13Bye.
41:14Bye.
41:15Bye-bye.
41:18Have they got it?
41:19Yeah.
41:20Inebriated and mistress leaves phone in hotel bar.
41:23Drunken pellet leaves phone in hotel bar.
41:26That's not a good copy.
41:27That's just normal.
41:28360.
41:33Quick, I need the loo.
41:38Oh.
41:39Have a look up.
41:40No, we're seeing him.
41:50Hello, this is Caroline.
41:51Leave a message and I'll get back to you as quickly as I can.
41:57Mum, Dad went out ages ago.
42:00I can't get a hold of him.
42:02Can you come and get me?
42:07Where are you?
42:08Why aren't you answering?
42:13I'm sorry.
42:14I said you were boring.
42:17Mum.
42:21Mum.
42:27Tea.
42:30Are you definitely all right for driving me back to pick up the Landy tomorrow?
42:34Well, yeah, I've got to get my phone, haven't I?
42:36Oh.
42:37Right.
42:39Oh.
42:41SIGHS
42:47What happened?
42:50With Kate?
42:54I booked two separate rooms for a romantic weekend.
42:59You knob.
43:02Don't go on at me.
43:06I was thinking of what to be back from.
43:10Wherever it was with little Dudo.
43:13Rough.
43:15Rough.
43:16Ellie.
43:17York.
43:19Calamity.
43:22No idea.
43:26They have room for me.
43:28We've always got room for you.
43:37I blew it with Kate.
43:41I really blew it.
43:45I only realise now how lovely it was.
43:50How precious.
43:55And I've tried to apologise but she won't listen.
43:59I think she's decided that I'm bad for her.
44:03There's nothing I can do.
44:06Or say.
44:10Just in this box now with battering on it.
44:15Well, not bad.
44:18Just...
44:22Arrogant.
44:25Inept.
44:29Selfish.
44:32Repressed.
44:36Just emotionally crippled.
44:45You alright?
44:53What about you and Robbie?
44:57Oh, me and Robbie.
45:02That's a different sort of thing altogether.
45:06Why?
45:14Oh.
45:18Do you fancy a drop of brandy?
45:20Any tea?
45:23Are you?
45:34Oh, I hope we've made the right decision.
45:36Well, I think it looks spot on.
45:39One thing I will say for Caroline, she has good taste.
45:42Well, we're committed now. They've paid deposit.
45:45Although she sounded a bit pissed when I spoke to her.
45:49Is this Kenneth?
45:51Yeah.
45:53That's him.
45:58She seems very fond of you, Muriel.
46:01Considering.
46:02Considering what?
46:04Well, that you don't seem very fond of her.
46:08Oh, she's right enough.
46:11It's...
46:12What?
46:15Oh, she always has to be the centre of attention.
46:20She can't just come to a party, Muriel.
46:23She has to be the party.
46:25Well, some people are needy that way, aren't they?
46:28Needy? Is that what it is?
46:30Scared of being left out. Scared of being overlooked.
46:34So they push their weight up front with their sharp elbows.
46:40Some people might find that attractive,
46:42but I'm damn certain I don't.
46:46Is that what you're bothered about?
46:48If she came to a wedding,
46:50she'd make you feel like it were her big day rather than yours.
46:55Somewhat like that, yes.
47:01She's very plain, you know.
47:04Compared to you.
47:06And she hasn't made me laugh all day, not once.
47:09I think the day we get married,
47:12you and me together will eclipse everyone else entirely,
47:17don't you?
47:20Was that her husband?
47:23Yeah, Frank.
47:25That's Frank.
47:29He's dead.
47:31He's dead.
47:40So is the thing.
47:43This is the thing.
47:49Me and Robbie...
47:51I am... I've always been...
47:55very, very, very fond of him.
48:00I should have stuck with him.
48:02Robbie.
48:08But Eddie...
48:13He was...
48:16just one of those men who...
48:19Oh, God.
48:23When I was with him, nothing else mattered. Nothing.
48:27He could have dropped a helium bomb on Halifax and I wouldn't have noticed.
48:33It's hydrogen.
48:41I shouldn't have done that to Robbie.
48:47But I couldn't help it.
48:51I couldn't.
48:54You got over that, surely, before you and Robbie,
48:57when you started going out with each other.
49:01Yeah, we did.
49:05Wow.
49:08That's not going to last with that Cheryl, is it?
49:12She'll get to the end of her. He's obviously only bothering with her.
49:15Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I know that.
49:17I know that.
49:19Sorry.
49:21Although Raph reckons she's moving in with him.
49:28Am I missing the point?
49:31No.
49:32No, no.
49:35I...
49:41don't think...
49:43ever.
49:46Me and Robbie could be a good idea.
49:52Even though, you know, all things being equal, we could have been...
49:57Why?
49:59We could have been...
50:01really nice together.
50:04Well, why do you think you can't be?
50:08Oh, I did the...
50:11shittiest thing to ever...
50:17I never told anyone this.
50:20And I...
50:22I'm...
50:25very drunk.
50:26So am I.
50:27Are you? Really?
50:28Yeah, yeah.
50:29As drunk as me?
50:30I don't know. I'm pretty drunk.
50:32Don't tell me something you're going to regret.
50:34I don't want to tell you.
50:36Okay.
50:43I...
50:50I murdered him.
50:55Eddie.
50:58Eddie.
51:00Eddie.
51:04The only proper family Robbie ever had and...
51:19I murdered him.
51:22Eddie.
51:28You don't know what you're talking about. You never did.
51:30It's all so easy, isn't it?
51:32It's all so cut and dried and black and white.
51:36That's why you've been so successful all your life.
51:39Because you've got all the bloody answers to bloody everything.
51:43Lawrence!
51:44Just get rid of it, Judith.
51:46You're killing it anyway.
51:48Can you hear what you sound like?
51:51Can you hear how nasty it is?
51:53Lawrence!
51:54You have no...
51:55Men don't.
51:56Women create.
51:58Men destroy.
51:59Fact.
52:00Women create life.
52:02Men shoot people.
52:05Name me one war started by a woman.
52:08The Falklands.
52:09Yeah, exactly. That's the one.
52:11Where's Lawrence?
52:12Out of how many?
52:14Since time began.
52:16One war.
52:17Where is Lawrence?
52:18And don't say the Trojan War, because that's bollocks.
52:22Pollocks.
52:23Pollocks and Castor.
52:25They started it.
52:26They invaded...
52:28...Athens.
52:29She was.
52:30Helen was just an excuse to get the guns out.
52:33Bodicea.
52:34Joan of Arc.
52:36Elizabeth I.
52:37Cleopatra.
52:39Queen Anne.
52:41Golda Meir. Indira Gandhi.
52:43Catherine the Great.
52:44Queen Isabella of Spain.
52:46She was a bitch.
52:48Sushi.
52:49You made that last one up.
52:51You don't know what you're talking about.
52:53Let's face it.
52:54Gunboat diplomacy.
52:55Who started that?
52:57Queen Victoria.
52:59Where is Lawrence?
53:06He knocked me about.
53:10All the time.
53:13He knocked three of my black teeth out.
53:18Be careful not to do it at the front.
53:21Where people can see.
53:25Once he...
53:27He pinned me down.
53:29And put a cigarette out.
53:36I'm in there.
53:43I've...
53:45...shed blood...
53:47...in every room in this house.
53:52I've...
53:54...shed blood...
53:57...in every room in this house.
54:11There were...
54:13...other humiliations.
54:17What bore you with them?
54:22So...
54:32I...
54:37The police had me in for...
54:40...days, hours, over several days.
54:47And my dad.
54:52I told him...
54:54...the same tale I told them.
54:57That I'd found him with his head in the log splitter.
55:04He had an inkling there was more to it than that.
55:07Me and my dad did.
55:14So I told him I'd put him out of his misery after a botched suicide effort.
55:22He bought that.
55:25I think... I think he bought that.
55:32And then he made me ring the police.
55:42Why are you telling me this?
55:46I don't know.
55:48I don't know.
55:54Because...
55:57...that's why it could never work.
56:00Me and Robbie.
56:02Or even he.
56:05After Colin's report I had to accept.
56:10But I did it.
56:18His brother.
56:20The only proper family he's ever had.
56:23And I...
56:28...did it.
56:31I did it.
56:37So that's why.
56:40That's why.
56:44It's further than that.
56:53I don't know why I've told you.
56:56Caroline.
57:00Caroline.
57:30Oh.
57:53I need to know if you're going to go to the police.
57:56You fancy a stag night, Alan?
57:57Like in a lap dancing club.
57:59I decided it was worth one more time saying I'm sorry.
58:02My only regret is that we didn't get that bungalow of Rippon and Beth.
58:07It was my fault we didn't get it.
58:09Kate's driven herself into hospital. She's bleeding.
58:12I think you and Gillian should get back together.
58:16Did you ever know how miserable I was with Kenneth?
58:19No.
58:20Hi.
58:21We're ready.
58:22We're ready.
58:23Have a nice Christmas.
58:24Yeah, how likely is that?